Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Today On Quincy Street
Cool. What's up party people. Back
in the ring for another entry. Not feeling 100% confident going into it,
but it's about time, so we'll see how it goes. Not much new in my life.
Still losin' weight. Reached a point where I look relatively thin out in
public, but if you see me with no clothes on, there's still plenty of fat.
So I got that going for me. Still reading Comedy Writing Books. I
read Steve Martin's stand-up autobiography. Man, that guy sure did 201
pages worth of stuff. Well, depending on your definition of 201 pages.
The pages were small and the font was big. Whatta rip off. I
read a concise, touching and informative account of this guy's life pre-movies
for nothin! When did they start showing Commercials Before Trailers
Before Movies. I feel like they didn't always do that, but that might be
because I didn't start getting to movies 40 minutes early until the last few
Hey, people like trailers before movies, they'll
love commercials before trailers! It's a good marketing gimmick,
though. You see commercials up on the big screen, high up on the audio
decibels, that really sticks with you. That's why I have recurring
nightmares of the E-Surance jingle. Anyway. I have a 2 sentence
scene which I'm not sure how to format to share with you. Just put it in a
paragraph, or do a George Bush Naming His Kids stand-alone scene? I
guess I'll just do it Within Paragraph. Here we go-- Int. Senate
Judiciary Committee. Democratic Senator-- "Mr. Kavanaugh, do you think
you would have actually raped Christine Blasley Ford, had she not been able to
escape?" Brett Kavanaugh-- "I'm not going to comment on a hypothetical."
Bang! That joke was out there in the ether, someone had to say it.
Alright, what else is going on. I have a good basic
idea for a character in the dream scenario where someone finds me to write on
their new sitcom, and they want me to play a peripheral part. Guy Whose
Mute. That's all I got. He can't talk. Maybe he does sign
language, but he definitely doesn't do the thing where some deaf people sort of
talk and it sounds funny-- that would be too hacky. He just stands there
while other people have one-sided conversations with him, only using facial
expressions to reply. And it's great because you could fit it into any
sitcom. Also, when thinking about it, I remembered the bit in Man On The
Moon where the Indian Guru tells Andy Kaufman the secret of comedy is silence.
And I thought of this great, inevitable periphery character! It's
My Idea, Mine! Don't Do It, You Gotta Cast Me To Do It!
That's the only character I would ever want to do in a
sitcom. Otherwise, I'll stick with writing. Mute Guy, though?
I'll play that. Also, I think I established this is a dream scenario.
I don't believe this will happen. I've just gotten in the habit of, during
my bi-daily walks, fantasize about different Career Fantasies without remorse.
It's fun to fantasize about stuff. I used to fantasize about sex, now I
fantasize about a Real Great Job. Anyway, what paragraph are we into.
Fourth. I can deal with that. What else is going on in the wide
world of me. Building up a fair amount of money on Online Poker.
Whatta drain of my Life Force. Also, The Mute Guy, he's not treated as a
disabled guy or anything. He just participates in whatever setting the
show is set in, but he just doesn't talk. I feel very strongly about this.
Cool! I think we should each get to punch Kavanaugh
once in the face. He deserves more than one punch in the face, but if we
all do it, I guess 300 million punches to the face is fair. By that time,
he skull cave in and he would die. But we'd each only get to do it once,
which just barely scratches the surface of what we'd like to do, so I think it's
a fair compromise. Anyway. Thinking about getting a real job.
Or volunteering or something. Something political or activism or
something-- but not something where I'd have to solicit donations or something,
where I'd have to talk to strangers. Which, unfortunately, is where a lot
of those jobs/volunteering positions are. But I could see myself just
working in an office for something I believe in. And continue working on
music and/or comedy in my spare time.
That idea has a lot going for it. 1) better than doing
nothing. 2) if it's a job, build up money to eventually move out of my
parents house. 3) something I believe in, I'm contributing to a better
world. 4) having real life experience doing stuff, rather than just
existing in a vacuum, can only give me more inspiration for working on writing
stuff. 5) potential social interactions. That's a lot of things!
Anyway, what else is going on. Sixth paragraph. Before starting this
entry, I told myself, maybe just aim for 10 paragraphs, to make it seem more
doable. So we'll see how that goes. Not a Joke-Driven Entry!
But relevant to what I've been thinking about and where I'm at in life this past
week. There's a very good chance by next month I've given up on
fantasizing about comedy and getting a job.
Cool! I can't wait to gradually walk back these
passions, entry by entry, over the next few weeks. I'd be all what was
I thinking-- let's just devolve into nonsense again. So we got that to
look forward to. Anyway. I had a dream last night I was being
pressured to host a Maury/Jerry Springer type show, but I kept getting the tone
of the show wrong, but no one would help explain it to me and I was just gonna
go up there for the first taping totally blank. For some reason, I felt I
was being led to believe that it was a very judgy, shamey, antagonistic show
(which I didn't feel comfortable with at all), but by the end of the dream I
sort of grasped they wanted to be nice and supportive to the guests, but by
then, it was too late for some reason. The show started without me or
something by the time I got the idea. I don't think they had a new host to
replace me, they just decided to do the show without a host.
Cool! Eighth paragraph. I kind of dislike Steve
Martin because he had so much experience as a kid and teenager doing different
types of performing. Magic, Acting, Banjo. What a jerk for having a
productive childhood which turned out to help him later on. What, he
thinks he's better than me?! What else. I also dislike Judd
Apatow for interviewing successful comedians when he was in high school.
What, he thinks he's better than me?! Apparently that's been my main
response to reading interviews or autobiographies or anything about my favorite
comedians and comedy writers. What, he thinks he's better than me?!
So I got that going for me. Actually, 98% of the people I read about
seem like lovely, down to Earth, and relatable people. What, They
Think They're Better Than Me?! I guess that's really why I
think they they think they're better than me. Because they're good people
and I'm just another jerk.
Anyway. Ninth paragraph. I haven't drank alcohol
at home in at least a month. So I got that going for me. Also,
all the ladies on the show want to sleep with the mute character. I
think that should go without saying. I think Donald Trump should change
his name to Donald Duck. Just hearing news stories about him (with his
personality and actions unchanged), referring to President Donald Duck instead
of Donald Trump, I think that would make the whole country a little bit happier.
Not sure what makes that a joke. Take it up with the writer.
Man, these writers keep making The Mute Guy look like a fool! They don't
get him at all! He's a Sex Symbol, what don't they get about that?!
Jeez. What else is going on. Into the tenth paragraph after this
sentence, feel like I'll aim for 15 at this point.
Cool! Anyway. I feel like these entries have
become less about telling weird, stupid jokes and more like the guy who does
stand up because he wants to get cast in something. Oh well. Like I
said, I should be snapped out of this in roughly 3-6 weeks. I don't
wanna be cast in something. Unless it's as Mute Guy. It's Mute
Guy or bust. Tenth Paragraph. Five and a half more
paragraphs or bust. I shaved myself yesterday without cutting myself once.
Looks like someone's becoming an adult! And just in time for my
30th birthday. I think I might blame losing weight for my
preoccupation with fantasizing about careers. I saw I could do one thing
productive and now I think I'm unstoppable. Maybe I should put on the
weight again. Just sort of admit to myself This whole My Life thing
isn't going anywhere, might as well look the part.
11th paragraph. I had to get a pack of cigarettes
from the corner store and he was like how old are you and I was like
29 and he was like sorry about that. Jeez.
The, "punch line," of that, "joke," got lost in translation. He wasn't
sorrying about that because he had to ask me and it was a minor
inconvenience. He was sorry about that because oh you look like
a child, that must be tough. Anyway. Queens College has
an open house for grad school programs in a few weeks, might go to that to see
if there's any information on the Creative Writing program. They'll
probably have nothing specific, but I might as well check it out. I got
nothin' else to do.
Four more paragraphs! Alright! Now that
I've got Mute Guy, I could write an original pilot for a show. One
periphery character who is 20% fleshed out, I'm halfway there already.
Anyway, jeez. What else is going on in life. I have mixed feelings
about taking short showers. Like, 2 or 3 minutes. I'm at a point in
my life where I see no reason to go longer. Yeah, put soap on all of my
body, shampoo it up, bang, I'm done. Also, the less hot water you use,
the better for the environment. But there's also a part of me that's like,
Hmm, most other people enjoy taking longer showers. I don't wanna be
contrarian jut for the sake of it. They must know what they're doing, I
better play it safe and take a longer shower.
I usually compromise and go for 6-8 minutes. And
that sense of wanting to assimilate is compounded by living with my parents.
I'm scared they'll think, he just took a 2 minute shower? There must be
something wrong with him. If it was just me knowing, I'd feel more
comfortable doing it my own way. Now that other people are paying
attention to the length of my shower, it's best to do something they'll feel
comfortable with. Anyway. 13th paragraph. Also, you may be
thinking, Why The Hell Does He Think By Writing This Entry It's Even Remotely
Possible He Could Get A Job? Well, according to my studies, if you put
something good out there, eventually, it'll be found. It may not be today,
it may not be next month, it may not be next year, but if I just keep doing
something I'm vaguely proud of, you never know. So that's why I have
delusions of potential success. That shut 'em up.
Penultimate paragraph! Anyway. Plannin' on
dinner for later. Thinkin' about getting a dinner that's a half rack of
ribs and some barbeque grilled chicken. And split it into 3 dinners!
That's how I roll. Apparently people eat junk food constantly in writers'
rooms. So I'm taking that into consideration when planning for the future
and whatnot. I don't wanna be the one guy not eating junk food, they'll
think, "What, does this guy think he's better than me?!" I
wouldn't be able to deal with people thinking that about me. Jeez, one
paragraph and a half to go, theoretically. Maybe I'll feel like an extra
paragraph or two. We'll see I guess. I also think that by having
98% correct grammar and spelling that'll push me over the top if people are
considering me for a job. It's that easy in my delusions.
That sentence had some questionable grammar. Oh well, what can ya do.
15th paragraph! What else. Alright, time
to snap out of Fantasy and back into Reality. What's really going on in
the wide world of me. 2 to 3 months away from finishing my diet.
Gonna start looking for a Real Job or perhaps Volunteering. Gonna prepare
an application for Queens College Creative Writing Program. Gonna continue
reading these Comedy Books but I'm not 100% happy about the whole thing.
Hopefully work on some new music in addition to writing this crap. Gonna
watch the upcoming new seasons of TV. So I got a lot going for me is the
point. I don't know. I wish I had thought of the Job/Volunteering a
few months ago so I could pretend it would potentially be a productive towards
helping the good guys in the midterms. Obviously depending on what it is I
might end up potentially doing. Oh well, live and learn. I'll see ya
Monday, September 17, 2018
Congratulations! You May Have Already Titled.
Could have used an exclamation mark after,
"Already Titled." For excitement purposes. Is it Exclamation Mark or
Exclamation Point? There's both a mark and a point. I guess the mark
could include the point, but the point can't include the mark. We really
should be calling it, "The Whole Exclamation Deal," if we wanna be really
precise. The point is Yawmmmm. Hmm. Hey! New
Entry! What's going on in the wide world of Me. Not much.
Saw my therapist today. Nothin' new there. Have some money on poker
due to a Freeroll-- whatta terrible drain on my Life Force. Finished Mike
Reiss book, ordered six more books about writing comedy that he
recommends. 2/3rds through one of them! It's Good! I'm
overloading on fantasizing about being a Comedy Writer, though. I need a
different book to read concurrently to get my head right. Family Feud,
The Early Years. And it's a decades worth of transcriptions of Family
I guess that could be fun, you could play it at home.
No. No playing. You read transcripts of other people playing.
But couldn't it be edited so it's like you can play at home with your friends?
No. Transcripts of other people playing. Also, you don't play Family
Feud with your friends. This isn't Friends Feud. Where's
the stakes in that? You either win as a family, or lose as a
family. I'd mostly lose as a family. We're a real loser
family. Also, in an ideal world, where it is edited in a way you can
play at home, you'd still need a Host to keep track of the right answers.
I'll be the Host. I'd be getting a real delicious sense of power and
I'd have opportunities to segue into my finely tuned comedy bits.
What else is going on. I remember during the height of
its popularity, my family had a computer game version of Who Wants To Be a
Millionaire? Not much re-play value to that game. They have 3
dozen questions, so after you play it twice, it's useless. That's a
good use of 60 dollars, sure. This was the late 90's! Tech Boom!
People were spending money all over the place, paying 60 dollars for a 40 trivia
questions. Hmm. 200 dollars for seven .jpgs of possible desktop
images? What a deal! Also, who the Hell convinced consumers that
we needed mouse pads? What a scam! We all used mouse pads for over a
decade! Oh, this computer accessory, won't handle being on a
hard surface. Needs to feel comfortable. You'd want to be
comfortable if you were a Computer Mouse, wouldn't you?
I feel bad for biological mice. I know we experiment on
all sorts of animals, but damn, mice really got it bad. It's like we
looked at the entire animal kingdom, millions of species, the mouse is trying to
hide behind a tree, and we spot it, and go You. You. You're
coming with me. Oh boy, are mice gonna wish they were never evolved.
Into mice. Anyway. I also feel bad for the guy in Operation.
The game. Man, this dude needs surgery everywhere.
I don't feel so bad for playing the game-- he needs surgery, what can ya do.
I feel a little guilty that I'm doing it and not a professional doctor, sure.
But at least I'm trying to help. That's more than most people would do.
I remember thinking of Chutes and Ladders as the
quintessential Young Children's game. Like, something to play from
ages 3-6, but then, when you're seven, it's like the thing to do is Yeah,
sometimes you fall down a chute. Sometimes you go up a ladder. Let's
move on to more intellectually stimulating games. I guess you could
say the day my childhood died was the day I felt I was too old for Chutes and
Ladders. You could also say my childhood never died. It lives on
within me every day. You could say a lot of things. Pick
one and let's move on with our lives.
Sixth paragraph. What in the world. Sometimes
I think about it and it feels kind of weird that I still take baths and showers
in the same bathtub my parents bathed me in when I was four years old. And
that I just barely don't fit in it 100%. What else. I'm scared of
peeing while taking a bath, because I'm scared some dirt or bacteria will get
sucked back up through my peehole. It's a logical fear. That happens
to people when they bathe in raw sewage. Is there non-raw sewage?
Yeah, this is sewage, but it's really refined. We only filtered through
the best sewage into this reservoir. I learned that word in
Environmental Science! Cool. This entry is a real D+. Oh well,
what can ya do. You put yourself out there creatively, every now and then
you're gonna produce some clunkers. As sure as day.
Seventh paragraph. I want to troll Keith Olbermann
about his age and call him, "Keith Older-man." Some day, at least.
D+. I was watching TV and reading these Comedy Writing books and
thinking about life and I decided my one goal in life is to understand more
references. Just really beef up my movie, TV, music references.
Watch and listen and read all the things a small subset of our population deems
important. If I just focus the next 10 or 20 years of my life entirely on
that, I'd be in a real good place. Anyway, I'm trying to start making new
songs for The Uppers, but I lack inspiration. I had a good idea last
night, though, to title the next album, "The Downers." Then I'd be getting
into a good head space to be creative and take things in a fun new direction.
Cause it's still The Uppers, but the album is called The Downers. Lots of
fun to be had with that concept!
Can't someone else do it. Oh well.
Eighth paragraph. I played a very simple little riff on guitar last night
that I had from a decade ago, and suddenly all those emotions I had from back
then, playing guitar, hit me. Which is weird, because I've been doing over
2 dozen complete songs with heartfelt lyrics at open mics for over
a year, and have experienced very little emotion flashbacks to when I spent
hours and days and weeks and months and years working on the songs. This
one little riff, and it all comes back to me. So I locked up the guitar
in the case and threw it out the window. I can't be having Emotion
Flashbacks to a decade ago! Otherwise, what was the point of the last
decade at all? As far as I can tell, it's purpose has mostly been get
over the stuff that used to bother me. I can't be going back to being
bothered by the same old stupid stuff!
Why'd I have to lock it in the case if I'm just gonna
throw it out the window. So it had a softer landing, duh. I
don't know. Ninth paragraph. Once I'm done dieting, I think I'm
gonna try giving up smoking. You know, on account of wanting to live
another decade? If I'm not alive in my 70's, how am I ever gonna get
over the stupid shit that bothered me in my 60's?! I'd die with 60's
bullshit clogging up my brain and soul. And who needs that. I've
noticed not a lot of people in their 90's and upward seem very happy. This
is probably mostly due to portrayals in fiction, I guess, because I don't hang
around with the ultra-elderly. But they all seem pretty crabby. I
guess that's what happens when you're still trying to get over the stupid shit
that took up your time when you were in your 80's.
I spent a decade with the sole purpose of trying to
stay alive? And now I'm still alive, and it's a bummer? What
bullshit! Kind of an anti-climactic way to close out your life, I
don't blame 'em for being pissed. I think that's probably why they're so
miserable. Lots of stuff happens in life, but by the time you're in your
90's, the last 3rd or 4th of your life has just been stay alive a little bit
longer. 10th paragraph. I guess at this point I'm aiming for 15.
I've decided to keep a running total of Times In Poker when I feel I'm about to
go on tilt, and actually am able to stop myself from continuing to play.
Sort of as a reward system. Getting higher in that number means I'm
avoiding those spots where I traditionally lose all my money, sorta gives me a
concrete way to diffuse those situations.
Comedy! What else is going on. Right now I'm
up to, "2." Cool! How hard is it for Republicans to nominate
people for extremely important and influential jobs that aren't rapists? I
know they prepared a list of a dozen or two potential candidates for the supreme
court. Were they just all rapists? Ah, who can decide?
Ah! Oh! Look Here! This one rapist's record
really seems to stand out from these other rapists' records! I'm
joking, but I don't know, I'd say it's a conservative guess that maybe 10% of
these supreme court nominees in particular were rapists. And you can't
do, Ah, Michael, you're going too far in your stereotype. C'mon!
THE PRESIDENT IS A RAPIST. He's the head guy! When you nominate a
rapist for president, and support him unconditionally for his first year and a
half, you don't get to deny that you're soft on rapism. Sure
rapism is a word. I just coined it!
Not 100% sure what rapism means yet, but I guess
it'll grow organically and come to mean something precise. 12th paragraph.
Anyway. Not all entries might make it up to the C- range, but I'm
still refining my voice and whatnot, so it's productive and whatnot I guess.
Food cart that's called, "Pretzels and Whatknot." That just brought
the entire entry down from a D+ to a D. That one sentence. Oh
well, what can you do. I don't know. Three and a half more
paragraphs. Just opened up a Poker Table to play at while I struggle to
figure out what else to say. I don't participate in rapism, I don't see
rape. I'm rape-blind.
That's how Republican defense of Kavanaugh
might go. 13th paragraph. Cool! Anyway,
what in the world. When I'm done here, I can go back to watching TV.
And slowly but surely, incrementally increasing the amount of references I would
have a barely passing knowledge of. Not really. I'll watch the
same stupid shit I was watching a decade ago. At least my main
narrative in life isn't Still Alive I Guess. Well, it sort of is.
But in a vaguely positive way. Instead of Still Alive I Guess (But I
Wish I'd Just Die Already) it's more like, Still Alive I Guess (I Wonder
What Adventures Are In Store For Me In My Relatively Immediate Future!).
So it's good! Hmm, what kind of reasonable, realistic adventures
can I prepare for for my upcoming decade of being in my 30's.
Oh, I know! Be Consuming even more entertainment to increase my
It's all coming together. Not all references are
from entertainment, per say. But in a way, they are. To someone like
me, the only use science and philosophy and politics and everything have is just
to be a form of entertainment. Just fodder for keeping myself occupied and
potentially being the source of some kind of discussion which probably will
never occur. Eh, not completely true. I am invested in
politics and current events from an empathetic, human standpoint. So the
point is I Dont Know Whatever. I'm also invested in entertainment from
an empathetic, human standpoint. The point is I have no idea what I'm
talking about so lets move on with our lives.
Last paragraph! What fun. Got 2nd half of Burger
King for dinner. Tomorrow, I get to start a new dinner! Probably a
dinner that will last for 3 dinners. It's like Chanukah but 3/8ths as long
and for dinner. I was thinking about observing Yom Kippur this year.
You know, for fun? Just see how it goes. God's bound to like me
then! He'll give me all sorts of rewards in my relatively immediate
future. Like providing adventures one would imagine. Reasonable,
realistic adventures. But it would be a bad move if there's any God,
any, other than the Hebrew God. It's like I'm going out of my way to
piss him off. Doing nothing is much safer because I'm not gonna be
offending any possible Gods. I'm just neutral across the board. As
soon as I commit to doing something one God would like, I put myself on
every other possible God's shit list.
Anyway, One Bonus Paragraph! Alright! I don't
know. Seeing a live comedy podcast in two weeks. Seeing Tenacious D a
month after that. Those should be fun and a half. The Tenacious D
is Fun. The live comedy podcast is A Half. I fantasize about
having my own podcast called Let's Make A Scene. And I'd have
guests that cover a huge spectrum of everything. Arts, politics,
WorkThings, everything. And it's called Let's Make a Scene because
the goal is to get all of these people to be my friends. And we make a
Social Scene that spans different communities into one Super Social Scene of
People Who Are Now My Friends. Also, I could have improvisers once a
month and do improv scenes. And other ideas one could make based on
that title will be incorporated into the podcast as it develops.
Anyway, one more bonus paragraph. I didn't want to end
on Don't Offend Gods nor Let's Make a Scene. So we're into
the 17th paragraph as a consequence of that. I like putting putty on my
hair before I go to sleep at night so when I wake up and look in the mirror it's
like an adventure. Well, I only did it last night. And it wasn't
much of an adventure. Wouldn't really excite me to do it again.
But for that one glorious night I still didn't know what was going to happen.
Also, I bought putty to put on my hair. I had gotten a haircut which I
decided might look better with some sort of conditioner or whatever, so I bought
the putty, and have been playing around with it a little bit. Great,
now I don't wanna end on Playing Around With Putty. Too Bad! See
Friday, September 7, 2018
I Came,I Saw, I Titled
Sure, why not. It is now September.
Let's get into the entry. No several-sentences-of-fluff out the gate to
give people a reason to tune out and alienate those who continue to read on with
focus! Nope, this time around, it's gonna be different. Eh,
different enough. What's new in the wide world of sports.
That's the kind of thing I'm talking about, those sort of ambiguous transitional
phrases, which, apparently, as it turns out, are only transitioning from the
starting point of nothing, and long run on sentences that make no sense, until I
realize this has gone on long enough but I can't quit now!
Congratulations-- we have just achieved what's going on inside Donald Trump's
mind every speech. That sorta joke, to open up the entry?
Not funny and not earned. Somehow, though, this has been an
Here's a good way to have a fresh start after
that nonsense-- a little scene I wrote!
Barbara Bush: What should we name our son?
George H.W. Bush: George.
Barbara: That's your name.
... Time Passes ...
Barbara: What should we name this one?
Barbara: You just keep getting lazier and lazier.
Makes me laugh. Sort of. Close
enough! Kavanaugh following the Trump playbook of being unqualified in a
dozen different ways for the office he's potentially to be appointed, yet having
them all cancel each other out. Unqualified in these sense that he's lied
under oath plenty of times, he won't recuse himself from ruling on Trump, he
will rule on cases in a way the majority of Americans disagree with, and I'm
sure half a dozen other stuff I'm not aware of. I'm sure history will
agree with appointing someone to the Supreme Court for 40 years based on being
nominated by an illegitimate president with the purpose of protecting said
president from facing the legal consequences of his horrendous actions.
Well, sure, if you approach it through the lens of history, everything
There was a guy who got his jollies writing
nonsense on a website? He could have been doing something more productive.
Like get out the vote! Hey, that reminds me-- Get Out The Vote! You
know, for the good guys. In that election thing coming up in a little bit.
I'm gonna vote! I'm even voting in the primary next week. Nixon,
Teachout, and Williams. Follow My Lead and it'll be like I voted dozens of
times-- without the ramifications! I just found a lifehack!!
You wanna vote dozens of times? Just encourage other people to vote for
your preferred candidate! It'll be the biggest scam in American
Anyway. I am writing in the day time again on
account of another Doctor's Appointment this morning. I'm healthy!
That's what I led him to believe, at least. Cool. Fourth
paragraph, I guess. Unless I count the crap with the Bushes as a
paragraph. Bushes? Probably should be Bush's, or Bush', or Bushi.
James Belush-aye. Not sure what that accomplishes. What else
is going on in the wide world of sports. I saw Obama gave a speech.
I'll watch it later. With the lights out. It'll either be
Sexy or Scary. Those are the two reasons to watch something with the
lights out. That, and to conserve energy. We all have to do our
part! I wonder if that'll be the future association with conservatives and
liberals, with the left/right spectrum switched between them.
Conservatives want to conserve our precious energy, man! and Liberals are
all like We'll use all the energy all the time! At least for rich
people. It's our energy, we earned it! You poors, subsidize our
liberal energy use!
Seems pretty straight forward to me. That could be
a new way to describe your politics, too. Instead of saying you're
Progressive, people'll say they're Straight Forward. Obama already got the
ball rolling on that, we're halfway there! Anyway. Let's go with
calling this the sixth paragraph. It's like following Obama's Forward
Thinking (Pun!), but not taking turns willy-nilly. We gotta go straight
forward! No going from side to side anymore! Anyway. What
kind of nonsense did I get myself into this time. Whatever it was, it's
taken up over five paragraphs! You can't argue with those results.
I guess not. They won't be able to argue back. So what would be the
point of the whole exercise?
Seventh paragraph! Anyway. I'm about a pound from
being Not Overweight. It won't solve all my Life Problems, but it's a step
in the right direction. Well, it won't solve any of my Life Problems.
In fact, I'm just setting myself up for failure. Once I lose the weight,
I'll have to confront having the rest of my life to worry about with no more
easy things to do in the meantime to get me on the right track. In
other words, once I'm 115 pounds, Jeez, What Now? Meh.
I finally have all the equipment necessary to start doing new songs. New 8
Track, new earphones, new everything. Now all I need is a chord
progression. Hmm. A C D R A. No, R isn't a chord.
Back to the drawing board!
There's a great lyric for my first new song!! R isn't a
chord/Back to the drawing board. This is easy! I don't have a
drawing board. I'm sorry for misleading you and making you think I
did. Anyway. I have a really unique writing style where the first
half of every paragraph is a continuation of the second half of the last
paragraph. Rather than having each paragraph be about one thing.
Gotta wonder if that'll pay off down the line. My guess is it will.
Unique! What else is crappening. I got any more save-em-ups? I
wrote the Bush scene last night. Here's something I thought of but isn't
funny. Is the purpose of Movie Critics to inform the public of what is
worth watching, or is it to provide a service to the film makers, everyone who
works on movies, on how to improve their various movie making skills? I
think it's accepted to be the first one, but I don't know. In school, you
get a B+ with some comments, it's not so the other students will know that your
essay isn't perfect, yet worth a read. It's so that you can improve your
Also, to influence your final grade as a way of keeping
records of your quality at school. That doesn't apply to movie criticism
at all. If Burt Reynolds movies averaged a 2 and a half stars from Roger
Ebert, they're not gonna engrave "2 and a half stars' on his tombstone.
Although maybe they will. Sounds like a good goof. Ninth paragraph.
Ah, here's a quality save-em-up-- "I wonder if that Bad Gremlins ever
called the good one Jizzmo." Seems like Bad Gremlins sense
of humor, but that might not fly in a PG movie. One more save-em-up: "You
know that book, 'All I Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten?' I
want to write a book, 'All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Still Don't Know."
And that's the gross product of the last ten days.
Cool! 10th paragraph. Seems like going for 15
paragraph without a break is the thing to do at this point. Or maybe write
15, take a break, write 5 more later today. We'll see. Oh, Hey,
found one more save-em-up!: "Good philosophical quote-- There's a
hundred ways to skin a cat, but no way to avoid the fact that you're skinning
a cat, you monster." Maybe you're doing the cat a favor.
Maybe the cat has skin cancer and the only way to make sure to get it all is
no more skin. Maybe the cat is a dope addict, convinced there are bugs
under it's skin, and this is your way of proving your cat wrong. Once it
sees no bugs, it's bound to chill out a bit.
Anyway, I don't know. I read the Mike Reiss Simpsons
book. While its not a new idea to me, there's a paragraph or two where he
talks about the rule of three in comedy. Some sort of set up, then three
punch lines, it's the gold standard. Not Me! I do two punch lines.
Can't be bothered to think of a third punch line, Plus, it's like an
Adventure for you-- You Get To Think Of The Third Punch line. And the best
punch lines in life are the ones you think of yourself. So I'm doing the
best thing one in comedy can do. Two punch lines, you think of the third!
Revolutionary! Anyway, we're into the eleventh paragraph. Oh well,
such is life. Or maybe, it's just that, over and over, the implicit third
punch line is I don't have time for this bull shit, I got better things to
do! I've given myself and all of us a lot to think about.
I'm still eating a lot of Pop Tarts, but now I alternate
between S'Mores and Strawberry. Strawberry is healthy because it's fruit.
I'm sure in public schools they would serve strawberry pop tarts at breakfast
because it counts as a fruit.. if only Pop Tarts weren't out of the school's
budget. Plus, they can't go around serving and endorsing branded
products! That would be a betrayal of trust! Especially
when it comes to healthy food! Let the children experiment with
healthy food on their own time, we've got Fatsos to produce! The goal of
any school curriculum should begin and end with producing a proper member of
society pre-programmed never to miss Fourthmeal. Now, I'm not saying
Fourthmeal has to be Taco Bell-- that's for the courts to decide!
Huh? I was following myself for a while then I just started typing
Thirteenth paragraph! I'm probably just gonna
finish this at 15 paragraphs. Still got three to go! I've got a big
problem with the Geico commercial where someone calls Alexander Graham Bell at a
play and he's like, No, My Number is One, You Must Want Two!
Doesn't make sense. Let's say there's one person who has a phone number--
can't happen, someone's calling him. Let's say there's two people with a
phone number-- If the caller is #2, the only person he could be calling, besides
himself (which would make no sense-- plus, he would know his own number) is
Bell, who insists the caller has the wrong number. Let's say there's three
phone numbers out there. Bell goes, this is one, you want two.
How does he know? He doesn't know if you're two or three. Maybe you
are two, and you're looking for three. And in the scenario there's
more than three phone numbers out there, him saying you must want two is
obviously an overreach and beyond his capacity to guess.
So, yeah, I have some strong opinions on things. What
else is going on. 14th paragraph! The point is now I'm never gonna
buy insurance just to play it safe. The only possible reason I can see
Bell saying you want 2 is if he's trying to get off the phone as quickly
as possible and is just saying that to get off the phone. However, the
whole point of the commercial is that he's selfishly interrupting the play, so
him exhibiting that reaction would run counter to the narrative being created.
What else is going on. I'm gonna get Fast Food delivered today because
I like pushing the envelope. And Another Thing!, what's with
that expression. Pushing the envelope. Just nonsense. Turns
out it means something with planes. You know, aviation? That sort of
15th paragraph! I can't be expected to know
everything about everything. The point is we all learned something
together because of my ability to admit when I'm wrong and my endless quest to
search out the truth. I don't know. Anyway. I was watching A
Raisin In The Sun, but I started recording something else 3/4ths in, and the end
got cut off. If it ends with the house exploding, let me know. If
not, keep it to yourself, I don't care. Jeez. I think I read the
play in fourth or fifth grade. Maybe sixth or seventh. Don't
remember actually learning anything about it. Just, hey, read this,
with no intellectual pay-off taught. Maybe I just wasn't paying
attention. That's certainly a possibility. I actually think I
may have gone to see it performed with my class. The point is I know
the house doesn't explode.
Maybe it does, like I said, wasn't paying close
enough attention. Every play should end with the house exploding.
That would get the critics talking! C-, needs improvement.
For some reason I'm into the 16th paragraph. I guess I gotta finish this
paragraph at least. I was thinking about what lesson I would really give
that I learned in school, in relation to that
Everything-I-Need-To-Know-I-Learned-In-Kindergarten joke. Here's what I
came up with-- Put a decent amount of work in for the things you like.
Do the bare minimum for everything else. That's a Life Lesson that'll
get you through to the end. I'll se ya later!