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Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Today On Quincy Street

        Cool.  What's up party people.  Back in the ring for another entry.  Not feeling 100% confident going into it, but it's about time, so we'll see how it goes.  Not much new in my life.  Still losin' weight.  Reached a point where I look relatively thin out in public, but if you see me with no clothes on, there's still plenty of fat.  So I got that going for me.  Still reading Comedy Writing Books.  I read Steve Martin's stand-up autobiography.  Man, that guy sure did 201 pages worth of stuff.  Well, depending on your definition of 201 pages.  The pages were small and the font was big.  Whatta rip off.  I read a concise, touching and informative account of this guy's life pre-movies for nothin!  When did they start showing Commercials Before Trailers Before Movies.  I feel like they didn't always do that, but that might be because I didn't start getting to movies 40 minutes early until the last few years. 
    Hey, people like trailers before movies, they'll love commercials before trailers!
  It's a good marketing gimmick, though.  You see commercials up on the big screen, high up on the audio decibels, that really sticks with you.  That's why I have recurring nightmares of the E-Surance jingle.  Anyway.  I have a 2 sentence scene which I'm not sure how to format to share with you.  Just put it in a paragraph, or do a George Bush Naming His Kids stand-alone scene?  I guess I'll just do it Within Paragraph.  Here we go--  Int. Senate Judiciary Committee. Democratic Senator-- "Mr. Kavanaugh, do you think you would have actually raped Christine Blasley Ford, had she not been able to escape?"  Brett Kavanaugh-- "I'm not going to comment on a hypothetical."  Bang!  That joke was out there in the ether, someone had to say it. 
    Alright, what else is going on.  I have a good basic idea for a character in the dream scenario where someone finds me to write on their new sitcom, and they want me to play a peripheral part.  Guy Whose Mute.  That's all I got.  He can't talk.  Maybe he does sign language, but he definitely doesn't do the thing where some deaf people sort of talk and it sounds funny-- that would be too hacky.  He just stands there while other people have one-sided conversations with him, only using facial expressions to reply.  And it's great because you could fit it into any sitcom.  Also, when thinking about it, I remembered the bit in Man On The Moon where the Indian Guru tells Andy Kaufman the secret of comedy is silence.  And I thought of this great, inevitable periphery character!  It's My Idea, Mine!  Don't Do It, You Gotta Cast Me To Do It! 
    That's the only character I would ever want to do in a sitcom.  Otherwise, I'll stick with writing.  Mute Guy, though?  I'll play that.  Also, I think I established this is a dream scenario.  I don't believe this will happen.  I've just gotten in the habit of, during my bi-daily walks, fantasize about different Career Fantasies without remorse.  It's fun to fantasize about stuff.  I used to fantasize about sex, now I fantasize about a Real Great Job.  Anyway, what paragraph are we into.  Fourth.  I can deal with that.  What else is going on in the wide world of me.  Building up a fair amount of money on Online Poker.  Whatta drain of my Life Force.  Also, The Mute Guy, he's not treated as a disabled guy or anything.  He just participates in whatever setting the show is set in, but he just doesn't talk.  I feel very strongly about this.
    Cool!  I think we should each get to punch Kavanaugh once in the face.  He deserves more than one punch in the face, but if we all do it, I guess 300 million punches to the face is fair.  By that time, he skull cave in and he would die.  But we'd each only get to do it once, which just barely scratches the surface of what we'd like to do, so I think it's a fair compromise.  Anyway.  Thinking about getting a real job.  Or volunteering or something.  Something political or activism or something-- but not something where I'd have to solicit donations or something, where I'd have to talk to strangers.  Which, unfortunately, is where a lot of those jobs/volunteering positions are.  But I could see myself just working in an office for something I believe in.  And continue working on music and/or comedy in my spare time.        
    That idea has a lot going for it.  1) better than doing nothing.  2) if it's a job, build up money to eventually move out of my parents house.  3) something I believe in, I'm contributing to a better world.  4) having real life experience doing stuff, rather than just existing in a vacuum, can only give me more inspiration for working on writing stuff.  5) potential social interactions.  That's a lot of things!  Anyway, what else is going on.  Sixth paragraph.  Before starting this entry, I told myself, maybe just aim for 10 paragraphs, to make it seem more doable.  So we'll see how that goes.  Not a Joke-Driven Entry!  But relevant to what I've been thinking about and where I'm at in life this past week.  There's a very good chance by next month I've given up on fantasizing about comedy and getting a job.
    Cool!  I can't wait to gradually walk back these passions, entry by entry, over the next few weeks.  I'd be all what was I thinking-- let's just devolve into nonsense again.  So we got that to look forward to.  Anyway.  I had a dream last night I was being pressured to host a Maury/Jerry Springer type show, but I kept getting the tone of the show wrong, but no one would help explain it to me and I was just gonna go up there for the first taping totally blank.  For some reason, I felt I was being led to believe that it was a very judgy, shamey, antagonistic show (which I didn't feel comfortable with at all), but by the end of the dream I sort of grasped they wanted to be nice and supportive to the guests, but by then, it was too late for some reason.  The show started without me or something by the time I got the idea.  I don't think they had a new host to replace me, they just decided to do the show without a host.
    Cool!  Eighth paragraph.  I kind of dislike Steve Martin because he had so much experience as a kid and teenager doing different types of performing.  Magic, Acting, Banjo.  What a jerk for having a productive childhood which turned out to help him later on.  What, he thinks he's better than me?!  What else.  I also dislike Judd Apatow for interviewing successful comedians when he was in high school.  What, he thinks he's better than me?!  Apparently that's been my main response to reading interviews or autobiographies or anything about my favorite comedians and comedy writers.  What, he thinks he's better than me?!  So I got that going for me.  Actually, 98% of the people I read about seem like lovely, down to Earth, and relatable people.  What, They Think They're Better Than Me?!  I guess that's really why I think they they think they're better than me.  Because they're good people and I'm just another jerk.
    Anyway.  Ninth paragraph.  I haven't drank alcohol at home in at least a month.  So I got that going for me.  Also, all the ladies on the show want to sleep with the mute character.  I think that should go without saying.  I think Donald Trump should change his name to Donald Duck.  Just hearing news stories about him (with his personality and actions unchanged), referring to President Donald Duck instead of Donald Trump, I think that would make the whole country a little bit happier.  Not sure what makes that a joke.  Take it up with the writer.  Man, these writers keep making The Mute Guy look like a fool!  They don't get him at all!  He's a Sex Symbol, what don't they get about that?!  Jeez.  What else is going on.  Into the tenth paragraph after this sentence, feel like I'll aim for 15 at this point.
    Cool!  Anyway.  I feel like these entries have become less about telling weird, stupid jokes and more like the guy who does stand up because he wants to get cast in something.  Oh well.  Like I said, I should be snapped out of this in roughly 3-6 weeks.  I don't wanna be cast in something.  Unless it's as Mute Guy.  It's Mute Guy or bust.  Tenth Paragraph.  Five and a half more paragraphs or bust.  I shaved myself yesterday without cutting myself once.  Looks like someone's becoming an adult!  And just in time for my 30th birthday.  I think I might blame losing weight for my preoccupation with fantasizing about careers.  I saw I could do one thing productive and now I think I'm unstoppable.  Maybe I should put on the weight again.  Just sort of admit to myself This whole My Life thing isn't going anywhere, might as well look the part.
11th paragraph.  I had to get a pack of cigarettes from the corner store and he was like how old are you and I was like 29 and he was like sorry about that.  Jeez.  The, "punch line," of that, "joke," got lost in translation.  He wasn't sorrying about that because he had to ask me and it was a minor inconvenience.  He was sorry about that because oh you look like a child, that must be tough.  Anyway.  Queens College has an open house for grad school programs in a few weeks, might go to that to see if there's any information on the Creative Writing program.  They'll probably have nothing specific, but I might as well check it out.  I got nothin' else to do.
    Four more paragraphs!
  Alright!  Now that I've got Mute Guy, I could write an original pilot for a show.  One periphery character who is 20% fleshed out, I'm halfway there already.  Anyway, jeez.  What else is going on in life.  I have mixed feelings about taking short showers.  Like, 2 or 3 minutes.  I'm at a point in my life where I see no reason to go longer.  Yeah, put soap on all of my body, shampoo it up, bang, I'm done.  Also, the less hot water you use, the better for the environment.  But there's also a part of me that's like, Hmm, most other people enjoy taking longer showers.  I don't wanna be contrarian jut for the sake of it.  They must know what they're doing, I better play it safe and take a longer shower.
I usually compromise and go for 6-8 minutes.  And that sense of wanting to assimilate is compounded by living with my parents.  I'm scared they'll think, he just took a 2 minute shower?  There must be something wrong with him.  If it was just me knowing, I'd feel more comfortable doing it my own way.  Now that other people are paying attention to the length of my shower, it's best to do something they'll feel comfortable with.  Anyway.  13th paragraph.  Also, you may be thinking, Why The Hell Does He Think By Writing This Entry It's Even Remotely Possible He Could Get A Job?  Well, according to my studies, if you put something good out there, eventually, it'll be found.  It may not be today, it may not be next month, it may not be next year, but if I just keep doing something I'm vaguely proud of, you never know.  So that's why I have delusions of potential success.  That shut 'em up.
Penultimate paragraph!  Anyway.  Plannin' on dinner for later.  Thinkin' about getting a dinner that's a half rack of ribs and some barbeque grilled chicken.  And split it into 3 dinners!  That's how I roll.  Apparently people eat junk food constantly in writers' rooms.  So I'm taking that into consideration when planning for the future and whatnot.  I don't wanna be the one guy not eating junk food, they'll think, "What, does this guy think he's better than me?!"  I wouldn't be able to deal with people thinking that about me.  Jeez, one paragraph and a half to go, theoretically.  Maybe I'll feel like an extra paragraph or two.  We'll see I guess.  I also think that by having 98% correct grammar and spelling that'll push me over the top if people are considering me for a job.  It's that easy in my delusions.  That sentence had some questionable grammar.  Oh well, what can ya do.
    15th paragraph!
  What else.  Alright, time to snap out of Fantasy and back into Reality.  What's really going on in the wide world of me.  2 to 3 months away from finishing my diet.  Gonna start looking for a Real Job or perhaps Volunteering.  Gonna prepare an application for Queens College Creative Writing Program.  Gonna continue reading these Comedy Books but I'm not 100% happy about the whole thing.  Hopefully work on some new music in addition to writing this crap.  Gonna watch the upcoming new seasons of TV.  So I got a lot going for me is the point.  I don't know.  I wish I had thought of the Job/Volunteering a few months ago so I could pretend it would potentially be a productive towards helping the good guys in the midterms.  Obviously depending on what it is I might end up potentially doing.  Oh well, live and learn.  I'll see ya later!

-4:11 P.M.


Monday, September 17, 2018

Congratulations!  You May Have Already Titled.

        Could have used an exclamation mark after, "Already Titled."  For excitement purposes. Is it Exclamation Mark or Exclamation Point?  There's both a mark and a point.  I guess the mark could include the point, but the point can't include the mark.  We really should be calling it, "The Whole Exclamation Deal," if we wanna be really precise.  The point is Yawmmmm.  Hmm.  Hey!  New Entry!  What's going on in the wide world of Me.  Not much.  Saw my therapist today.  Nothin' new there.  Have some money on poker due to a Freeroll-- whatta terrible drain on my Life Force.  Finished Mike Reiss book, ordered six more books about writing comedy that he recommends.  2/3rds through one of them!  It's Good!  I'm overloading on fantasizing about being a Comedy Writer, though.  I need a different book to read concurrently to get my head right.  Family Feud, The Early Years.  And it's a decades worth of transcriptions of Family Feud. 
    I guess that could be fun, you could play it at home.  No.  No playing.  You read transcripts of other people playing.  But couldn't it be edited so it's like you can play at home with your friends?  No.  Transcripts of other people playing.  Also, you don't play Family Feud with your friends.  This isn't Friends Feud.  Where's the stakes in that?  You either win as a family, or lose as a family.  I'd mostly lose as a family.  We're a real loser family.  Also, in an ideal world, where it is edited in a way you can play at home, you'd still need a Host to keep track of the right answers.  I'll be the Host.  I'd be getting a real delicious sense of power and I'd have opportunities to segue into my finely tuned comedy bits.
    What else is going on.  I remember during the height of its popularity, my family had a computer game version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?  Not much re-play value to that game.  They have 3 dozen questions, so after you play it twice, it's useless.  That's a good use of 60 dollars, sure.  This was the late 90's!  Tech Boom!  People were spending money all over the place, paying 60 dollars for a 40 trivia questions.  Hmm.  200 dollars for seven .jpgs of possible desktop images?  What a deal!  Also, who the Hell convinced consumers that we needed mouse pads?  What a scam!  We all used mouse pads for over a decade!  Oh, this computer accessory, won't handle being on a hard surface.  Needs to feel comfortable.  You'd want to be comfortable if you were a Computer Mouse, wouldn't you?   
    I feel bad for biological mice.  I know we experiment on all sorts of animals, but damn, mice really got it bad.  It's like we looked at the entire animal kingdom, millions of species, the mouse is trying to hide behind a tree, and we spot it, and go You.  You.  You're coming with me.  Oh boy, are mice gonna wish they were never evolved.  Into mice.  Anyway.  I also feel bad for the guy in Operation.  The game.  Man, this dude needs surgery everywhere.  I don't feel so bad for playing the game-- he needs surgery, what can ya do.  I feel a little guilty that I'm doing it and not a professional doctor, sure.  But at least I'm trying to help.  That's more than most people would do.
    I remember thinking of Chutes and Ladders as the quintessential Young Children's game.  Like, something to play from ages 3-6, but then, when you're seven, it's like the thing to do is Yeah, sometimes you fall down a chute.  Sometimes you go up a ladder.  Let's move on to more intellectually stimulating games.  I guess you could say the day my childhood died was the day I felt I was too old for Chutes and Ladders.  You could also say my childhood never died.  It lives on within me every day.  You could say a lot of things.  Pick one and let's move on with our lives.       
Sixth paragraph.  What in the world.  Sometimes I think about it and it feels kind of weird that I still take baths and showers in the same bathtub my parents bathed me in when I was four years old.  And that I just barely don't fit in it 100%.  What else.  I'm scared of peeing while taking a bath, because I'm scared some dirt or bacteria will get sucked back up through my peehole.  It's a logical fear.  That happens to people when they bathe in raw sewage.  Is there non-raw sewage?  Yeah, this is sewage, but it's really refined.  We only filtered through the best sewage into this reservoir.  I learned that word in Environmental Science!  Cool.  This entry is a real D+.  Oh well, what can ya do.  You put yourself out there creatively, every now and then you're gonna produce some clunkers.  As sure as day. 
    Seventh paragraph.  I want to troll Keith Olbermann about his age and call him, "Keith Older-man."  Some day, at least.  D+.  I was watching TV and reading these Comedy Writing books and thinking about life and I decided my one goal in life is to understand more references.  Just really beef up my movie, TV, music references.  Watch and listen and read all the things a small subset of our population deems important.  If I just focus the next 10 or 20 years of my life entirely on that, I'd be in a real good place.  Anyway, I'm trying to start making new songs for The Uppers, but I lack inspiration.  I had a good idea last night, though, to title the next album, "The Downers."  Then I'd be getting into a good head space to be creative and take things in a fun new direction.  Cause it's still The Uppers, but the album is called The Downers.  Lots of fun to be had with that concept! 
    Can't someone else do it.  Oh well.  Eighth paragraph.  I played a very simple little riff on guitar last night that I had from a decade ago, and suddenly all those emotions I had from back then, playing guitar, hit me.  Which is weird, because I've been doing over 2 dozen complete songs with heartfelt lyrics at open mics for over a year, and have experienced very little emotion flashbacks to when I spent hours and days and weeks and months and years working on the songs.  This one little riff, and it all comes back to me.  So I locked up the guitar in the case and threw it out the window.  I can't be having Emotion Flashbacks to a decade ago!  Otherwise, what was the point of the last decade at all?  As far as I can tell, it's purpose has mostly been get over the stuff that used to bother me.  I can't be going back to being bothered by the same old stupid stuff!   
Why'd I have to lock it in the case if I'm just gonna throw it out the window.  So it had a softer landing, duh.  I don't know.  Ninth paragraph.  Once I'm done dieting, I think I'm gonna try giving up smoking.  You know, on account of wanting to live another decade?  If I'm not alive in my 70's, how am I ever gonna get over the stupid shit that bothered me in my 60's?!  I'd die with 60's bullshit clogging up my brain and soul.  And who needs that.  I've noticed not a lot of people in their 90's and upward seem very happy.  This is probably mostly due to portrayals in fiction, I guess, because I don't hang around with the ultra-elderly.  But they all seem pretty crabby.  I guess that's what happens when you're still trying to get over the stupid shit that took up your time when you were in your 80's.
    I spent a decade with the sole purpose of trying to stay alive?  And now I'm still alive, and it's a bummer?  What bullshit!  Kind of an anti-climactic way to close out your life, I don't blame 'em for being pissed.  I think that's probably why they're so miserable.  Lots of stuff happens in life, but by the time you're in your 90's, the last 3rd or 4th of your life has just been stay alive a little bit longer.  10th paragraph.  I guess at this point I'm aiming for 15.  I've decided to keep a running total of Times In Poker when I feel I'm about to go on tilt, and actually am able to stop myself from continuing to play.  Sort of as a reward system.  Getting higher in that number means I'm avoiding those spots where I traditionally lose all my money, sorta gives me a concrete way to diffuse those situations.
    Comedy!  What else is going on.  Right now I'm up to, "2."  Cool!  How hard is it for Republicans to nominate people for extremely important and influential jobs that aren't rapists?  I know they prepared a list of a dozen or two potential candidates for the supreme court.  Were they just all rapists?  Ah, who can decide?  Ah!  Oh!  Look Here!  This one rapist's record really seems to stand out from these other rapists' records!  I'm joking, but I don't know, I'd say it's a conservative guess that maybe 10% of these supreme court nominees in particular were rapists.  And you can't do, Ah, Michael, you're going too far in your stereotype.  C'mon!  THE PRESIDENT IS A RAPIST.  He's the head guy!  When you nominate a rapist for president, and support him unconditionally for his first year and a half, you don't get to deny that you're soft on rapism.  Sure rapism is a word.  I just coined it! 
    Not 100% sure what rapism means yet, but I guess it'll grow organically and come to mean something precise.  12th paragraph.  Anyway.  Not all entries might make it up to the C- range, but I'm still refining my voice and whatnot, so it's productive and whatnot I guess.  Food cart that's called, "Pretzels and Whatknot."  That just brought the entire entry down from a D+ to a D.  That one sentence.  Oh well, what can you do.  I don't know.  Three and a half more paragraphs.  Just opened up a Poker Table to play at while I struggle to figure out what else to say.  I don't participate in rapism, I don't see rape.  I'm rape-blind. 
    That's how Republican defense of Kavanaugh might go.  13th paragraph.  Cool!  Anyway, what in the world.  When I'm done here, I can go back to watching TV.  And slowly but surely, incrementally increasing the amount of references I would have a barely passing knowledge of.  Not really.  I'll watch the same stupid shit I was watching a decade ago.  At least my main narrative in life isn't Still Alive I Guess.  Well, it sort of is.  But in a vaguely positive way.  Instead of Still Alive I Guess (But I Wish I'd Just Die Already) it's more like, Still Alive I Guess (I Wonder What Adventures Are In Store For Me In My Relatively Immediate Future!).  So it's good!  Hmm, what kind of reasonable, realistic adventures can I prepare for for my upcoming decade of being in my 30's.  Oh, I know!  Be Consuming even more entertainment to increase my References Power!
    It's all coming together.  Not all references are from entertainment, per say.  But in a way, they are.  To someone like me, the only use science and philosophy and politics and everything have is just to be a form of entertainment.  Just fodder for keeping myself occupied and potentially being the source of some kind of discussion which probably will never occur.   Eh, not completely true.  I am invested in politics and current events from an empathetic, human standpoint.  So the point is I Dont Know Whatever.  I'm also invested in entertainment from an empathetic, human standpoint.  The point is I have no idea what I'm talking about so lets move on with our lives.
    Last paragraph!  What fun.  Got 2nd half of Burger King for dinner.  Tomorrow, I get to start a new dinner!  Probably a dinner that will last for 3 dinners.  It's like Chanukah but 3/8ths as long and for dinner.  I was thinking about observing Yom Kippur this year.  You know, for fun?  Just see how it goes.  God's bound to like me then!  He'll give me all sorts of rewards in my relatively immediate future.  Like providing adventures one would imagine.  Reasonable, realistic adventures.  But it would be a bad move if there's any God, any, other than the Hebrew God.  It's like I'm going out of my way to piss him off.  Doing nothing is much safer because I'm not gonna be offending any possible Gods.  I'm just neutral across the board.  As soon as I commit to doing something one God would like, I put myself on every other possible God's shit list.
    Anyway, One Bonus Paragraph!  Alright!  I don't know. Seeing a live comedy podcast in two weeks.  Seeing Tenacious D a month after that.  Those should be fun and a half.  The Tenacious D is Fun.  The live comedy podcast is A Half.  I fantasize about having my own podcast called Let's Make A Scene.  And I'd have guests that cover a huge spectrum of everything.  Arts, politics, WorkThings, everything.  And it's called Let's Make a Scene because the goal is to get all of these people to be my friends.  And we make a Social Scene that spans different communities into one Super Social Scene of People Who Are Now My Friends.  Also, I could have improvisers once a month and do improv scenes.  And other ideas one could make based on that title will be incorporated into the podcast as it develops.
    Anyway, one more bonus paragraph.  I didn't want to end on Don't Offend Gods nor Let's Make a Scene.  So we're into the 17th paragraph as a consequence of that.  I like putting putty on my hair before I go to sleep at night so when I wake up and look in the mirror it's like an adventure.  Well, I only did it last night.  And it wasn't much of an adventure.  Wouldn't really excite me to do it again.  But for that one glorious night I still didn't know what was going to happen.  Also, I bought putty to put on my hair.  I had gotten a haircut which I decided might look better with some sort of conditioner or whatever, so I bought the putty, and have been playing around with it a little bit.  Great, now I don't wanna end on Playing Around With Putty.  Too Bad!  See ya later.!

-2:51 P.M.




Friday, September 7, 2018

I Came,I Saw, I Titled

        Sure, why not.  It is now September.  Let's get into the entry.  No several-sentences-of-fluff out the gate to give people a reason to tune out and alienate those who continue to read on with focus!  Nope, this time around, it's gonna be different.  Eh, different enough.  What's new in the wide world of sports.  That's the kind of thing I'm talking about, those sort of ambiguous transitional phrases, which, apparently, as it turns out, are only transitioning from the starting point of nothing, and long run on sentences that make no sense, until I realize this has gone on long enough but I can't quit now!  Congratulations-- we have just achieved what's going on inside Donald Trump's mind every speech.   That sorta joke, to open up the entry?  Not funny and not earned.  Somehow, though, this has been an entire paragraph.

    Here's a good way to have a fresh start after that nonsense-- a little scene I wrote!


Barbara Bush: What should we name our son?
George H.W. Bush: George.
Barbara: That's your name.
George: Yup.

... Time Passes ...

Barbara: What should we name this one?
George: Jeb.
Barbara: You just keep getting lazier and lazier.


    Makes me laugh.  Sort of.  Close enough!  Kavanaugh following the Trump playbook of being unqualified in a dozen different ways for the office he's potentially to be appointed, yet having them all cancel each other out.  Unqualified in these sense that he's lied under oath plenty of times, he won't recuse himself from ruling on Trump, he will rule on cases in a way the majority of Americans disagree with, and I'm sure half a dozen other stuff I'm not aware of.  I'm sure history will agree with appointing someone to the Supreme Court for 40 years based on being nominated by an illegitimate president with the purpose of protecting said president from facing the legal consequences of his horrendous actions.  Well, sure, if you approach it through the lens of history, everything looks stupid.
There was a guy who got his jollies writing nonsense on a website?  He could have been doing something more productive.  Like get out the vote!  Hey, that reminds me-- Get Out The Vote!  You know, for the good guys.  In that election thing coming up in a little bit.  I'm gonna vote!  I'm even voting in the primary next week.  Nixon, Teachout, and Williams.  Follow My Lead and it'll be like I voted dozens of times-- without the ramifications!  I just found a lifehack!!  You wanna vote dozens of times?  Just encourage other people to vote for your preferred candidate!  It'll be the biggest scam in American History!  
Anyway.  I am writing in the day time again on account of another Doctor's Appointment this morning.  I'm healthy!  That's what I led him to believe, at least.  Cool.  Fourth paragraph, I guess.  Unless I count the crap with the Bushes as a paragraph.  Bushes?  Probably should be Bush's, or Bush', or Bushi.  James Belush-aye.  Not sure what that accomplishes.  What else is going on in the wide world of sports.  I saw Obama gave a speech.  I'll watch it later.  With the lights out.  It'll either be Sexy or Scary.  Those are the two reasons to watch something with the lights out.  That, and to conserve energy.  We all have to do our part!  I wonder if that'll be the future association with conservatives and liberals, with the left/right spectrum switched between them.  Conservatives want to conserve our precious energy, man! and Liberals are all like We'll use all the energy all the time!  At least for rich people.  It's our energy, we earned it!  You poors, subsidize our liberal energy use!
Seems pretty straight forward to me.  That could be a new way to describe your politics, too.  Instead of saying you're Progressive, people'll say they're Straight Forward.  Obama already got the ball rolling on that, we're halfway there!  Anyway.  Let's go with calling this the sixth paragraph.  It's like following Obama's Forward Thinking (Pun!), but not taking turns willy-nilly.  We gotta go straight forward!  No going from side to side anymore!  Anyway.  What kind of nonsense did I get myself into this time.  Whatever it was, it's taken up over five paragraphs!  You can't argue with those results.  I guess not.  They won't be able to argue back.  So what would be the point of the whole exercise?
    Seventh paragraph!  Anyway.  I'm about a pound from being Not Overweight.  It won't solve all my Life Problems, but it's a step in the right direction.  Well, it won't solve any of my Life Problems.  In fact, I'm just setting myself up for failure.  Once I lose the weight, I'll have to confront having the rest of my life to worry about with no more easy things to do in the meantime to get me on the right track.  In other words, once I'm 115 pounds,  Jeez, What Now?  Meh.  I finally have all the equipment necessary to start doing new songs.  New 8 Track, new earphones, new everything.  Now all I need is a chord progression.  Hmm.  A C D R A.  No, R isn't a chord.  Back to the drawing board!
    There's a great lyric for my first new song!! R isn't a chord/Back to the drawing board.  This is easy!  I don't have a drawing board.  I'm sorry for misleading you and making you think I did.  Anyway.  I have a really unique writing style where the first half of every paragraph is a continuation of the second half of the last paragraph.  Rather than having each paragraph be about one thing.  Gotta wonder if that'll pay off down the line.  My guess is it will.  Unique!  What else is crappening.  I got any more save-em-ups?  I wrote the Bush scene last night.  Here's something I thought of but isn't funny.  Is the purpose of Movie Critics to inform the public of what is worth watching, or is it to provide a service to the film makers, everyone who works on movies, on how to improve their various movie making skills?  I think it's accepted to be the first one, but I don't know.  In school, you get a B+ with some comments, it's not so the other students will know that your essay isn't perfect, yet worth a read.  It's so that you can improve your skills.
    Also, to influence your final grade as a way of keeping records of your quality at school.  That doesn't apply to movie criticism at all.  If Burt Reynolds movies averaged a 2 and a half stars from Roger Ebert, they're not gonna engrave "2 and a half stars' on his tombstone.  Although maybe they will.  Sounds like a good goof. Ninth paragraph.  Ah, here's a quality save-em-up--  "I wonder if that Bad Gremlins ever called the good one Jizzmo."  Seems like Bad Gremlins sense of humor, but that might not fly in a PG movie.  One more save-em-up: "You know that book, 'All I Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten?'  I want to write a book, 'All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Still Don't Know."  And that's the gross product of the last ten days.
    Cool!  10th paragraph.  Seems like going for 15 paragraph without a break is the thing to do at this point.  Or maybe write 15, take a break, write 5 more later today.  We'll see.  Oh, Hey, found one more save-em-up!:  "Good philosophical quote-- There's a hundred ways to skin a cat, but no way to avoid the fact that you're skinning a cat, you monster."  Maybe you're doing the cat a favor.  Maybe the cat has skin cancer and the only way to make sure to get it all is no more skin.  Maybe the cat is a dope addict, convinced there are bugs under it's skin, and this is your way of proving your cat wrong.  Once it sees no bugs, it's bound to chill out a bit.
    Anyway, I don't know.  I read the Mike Reiss Simpsons book.  While its not a new idea to me, there's a paragraph or two where he talks about the rule of three in comedy.  Some sort of set up, then three punch lines, it's the gold standard.  Not Me!  I do two punch lines.  Can't be bothered to think of a third punch line,  Plus, it's like an Adventure for you-- You Get To Think Of The Third Punch line.  And the best punch lines in life are the ones you think of yourself.  So I'm doing the best thing one in comedy can do.  Two punch lines, you think of the third!  Revolutionary!  Anyway, we're into the eleventh paragraph.  Oh well, such is life.  Or maybe, it's just that, over and over, the implicit third punch line is I don't have time for this bull shit, I got better things to do!  I've given myself and all of us a lot to think about. 
    I'm still eating a lot of Pop Tarts, but now I alternate between S'Mores and Strawberry.  Strawberry is healthy because it's fruit.  I'm sure in public schools they would serve strawberry pop tarts at breakfast because it counts as a fruit.. if only Pop Tarts weren't out of the school's budget.  Plus, they can't go around serving and endorsing branded products!  That would be a betrayal of trust!  Especially when it comes to healthy food!  Let the children experiment with healthy food on their own time, we've got Fatsos to produce!  The goal of any school curriculum should begin and end with producing a proper member of society pre-programmed never to miss Fourthmeal.  Now, I'm not saying Fourthmeal has to be Taco Bell-- that's for the courts to decide!  Huh?  I was following myself for a while then I just started typing words.
    Thirteenth paragraph!  I'm probably just gonna finish this at 15 paragraphs.  Still got three to go!  I've got a big problem with the Geico commercial where someone calls Alexander Graham Bell at a play and he's like, No, My Number is One, You Must Want Two!  Doesn't make sense.  Let's say there's one person who has a phone number-- can't happen, someone's calling him.  Let's say there's two people with a phone number-- If the caller is #2, the only person he could be calling, besides himself (which would make no sense-- plus, he would know his own number) is Bell, who insists the caller has the wrong number.  Let's say there's three phone numbers out there.  Bell goes, this is one, you want two.  How does he know?  He doesn't know if you're two or three.  Maybe you are two, and you're looking for three.  And in the scenario there's more than three phone numbers out there, him saying you must want two is obviously an overreach and beyond his capacity to guess.
    So, yeah, I have some strong opinions on things.  What else is going on.  14th paragraph!  The point is now I'm never gonna buy insurance just to play it safe.  The only possible reason I can see Bell saying you want 2 is if he's trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible and is just saying that to get off the phone.  However, the whole point of the commercial is that he's selfishly interrupting the play, so him exhibiting that reaction would run counter to the narrative being created.  What else is going on.  I'm gonna get Fast Food delivered today because I like pushing the envelope.  And Another Thing!, what's with that expression.  Pushing the envelope.  Just nonsense.  Turns out it means something with planes.  You know, aviation?  That sort of crap.
15th paragraph!  I can't be expected to know everything about everything.  The point is we all learned something together because of my ability to admit when I'm wrong and my endless quest to search out the truth.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I was watching A Raisin In The Sun, but I started recording something else 3/4ths in, and the end got cut off.  If it ends with the house exploding, let me know.  If not, keep it to yourself, I don't care.  Jeez.  I think I read the play in fourth or fifth grade.  Maybe sixth or seventh.  Don't remember actually learning anything about it.  Just, hey, read this, with no intellectual pay-off taught.  Maybe I just wasn't paying attention.  That's certainly a possibility.  I actually think I may have gone to see it performed with my class.  The point is I know the house doesn't explode.
    Maybe it does, like I said, wasn't paying close enough attention.  Every play should end with the house exploding.  That would get the critics talking!  C-, needs improvement.  For some reason I'm into the 16th paragraph.  I guess I gotta finish this paragraph at least.  I was thinking about what lesson I would really give that I learned in school, in relation to that Everything-I-Need-To-Know-I-Learned-In-Kindergarten joke.  Here's what I came up with-- Put a decent amount of work in for the things you like.  Do the bare minimum for everything else.  That's a Life Lesson that'll get you through to the end.  I'll se ya later!

-3:21 P.M.