March 8, 2013
The Title Is The
First Thing You Read
Hello. I figured I'd just be honest and upfront with you from the start.
That's why the title is what it is. Not because I'm an idiot. Well,
maybe indirectly because I'm an idiot. But mostly because I want to be
informative about stuff you already know. The rest of the entry is not in
bold. I guess it could be, but why? What would be the point?
I'm not even writing this to make sense or be entertaining. I'm just
trying to kill some time, gain knowledge from a new experience. The new
experience being writing an entry on March 8th in the late part of the
afternoon. I woke up really late today, at around 1:40. I didn't
want to get up, because I'm very weak and frail. But also because days can
be tiresome. Nights are tired-less, mostly because I'm asleep during them.
I keep having nightmares, though. And since my dreams are so clear and
vivid, the scariness of them lasts several hours into the day. Until I
find that right activity to take my mind off it. Hence, this entry.
Hence, your face. I had a dream I was just living my life, doing whatever
I usually do, but I was constantly being graded on how I was doing. I was
doing mostly a C and I dipped into a C minus, and then I rose back into a C.
I don't know why. And to be honest, I was happy with the C. I was
happy just to be passing. Story of my life. I've also had a lot of
dreams about eating. Once I was dreaming I was eating a brownie, a couple
times I dreamt about eating McDonalds. I think it's mostly because over
the past few weeks I've been dieting and eating less. And thankfully, when
I wake up, those urges for bad food go away. I've been watching a lot of
old DVDs I have. It's a pretty good way to kill time. Not as good as
masturbating, but pretty close. Also, it lasts a lot longer. And
there's no shame afterwards.
I've also been having Deja Vu a lot lately. It's pretty
unpleasant, because the first thought you have when you get the feeling you've
done something before, is "what do I do next?" which is a burden that is quite a
nuisance. I guess you could have the thought "what do I do next?" without
Deja Vu, and I do have that thought a lot, but when it's something you sense
you've already done before, there's more pressure to get it right. Anyway.
Besides the dreams, I've been doing pretty well lately. I'm more alert,
and... well, I'm more alert. That's gotta count for something. But
it doesn't. Because other than that, my life is the same. I stay at
home all the time, in my room, trapped in my own mind. I went to see my
friend perform music last week, and it was really good to get out of my house
and see friends, and just generally get out of the trap that is my own head.
I feel if I was constantly around other people that aren't my family or doctors,
90% of my illness would go away. I need something healthy like that to
fill my time. Being around people without being judged, I guess is a good
way to put it.
I'm going to eat dinner after I finish this entry.
Dinner is the main meal of the day, and also the biggest. When people say
they're going to eat dinner, they usually mean at the night. Also, when
families eat dinner, they often talk about how their days went. These
facts about dinner are brought to you by Flannigans' autopsy and rifle outlet.
Anyway. What's an autopsy outlet? I feel there should be more to say
about it. But there isn't. I'm lazy. Sometimes I worry about
my future. I still feel I'm probably going to get over my illness enough
to get a job and support myself, but I don't think I'll ever have a family of my
own. That's a huge amount of stress and responsibility that I honestly
don't think I'll ever have. It's kind of depressing, but as of now, I
don't even want a family. I've spent too much time with my own family
during these formative years, when I should be on my own, that just kind of
sours me on the whole family thing. I mean, do we really need it?
No, we don't. And biologically flawed people like me, who are also
socially, financially, and intellectually flawed, are just better off not adding
more people like me into the mix. Oh well. Who needs kids, anyway.
Doctors do. They still make all babies in incubators, right? Yeah.
But even if they don't, you need a doctor to perform the birth. And also
to impregnate your wife while you're not looking.
I'm probably going to have to take a break from writing this,
without finishing, to eat dinner. Then, pick up where I left off. My
room is a mess. I have scores of cigarette butts on my desk surrounding my
ashtray. It would take me five minutes to take care of. Maybe I'll
do it when I'm done with this. But probably not. Although mentioning
it in public makes me sort of think, "yeah, I really should take care of that."
So maybe I will. There's no reason to guess. I guess I'll just see
what happens. There's no reason to guess, though. Actually there's a
lot of reasons to guess. Say you don't know yet. There you go.
Anyway. Aw, I just looked out my window and there's a really nice sunset.
I remember watching Project Green Light, a show in the mid 2000's where Ben
Affleck gave independent people money to shoot a film, and they talked about how
during the sunset or the sunrise was "magic time," or something, because the
light was the perfect mixture being dark and light. Or maybe they think
that a magician controls the light and the dark. I don't know.
Hey, last paragraph time. And I still haven't eaten
dinner. I guess I'll finish this first. It went pretty quick.
It's not the longest entry. But it's the quickest entry, which is even
better. Too bad girls don't feel the same way about sex, am I right?
That makes sense. I want to buy more lamps. I don't have any lamps
in my room. I need to make a plan to purchase more lamps. But I need
sustained and targeted light to be able to write down a plan. I guess my
computer screen is like a lamp. My T.V., too. And by my T.V., I mean
my transvestite is very bright. Hey, half done with the paragraph.
Sorry suckers. That's a new brand of lollipops I'm marketing. I
remember once a year or two ago, I suddenly saw a carton of cigarettes on my
desk where I didn't have them before, and I attributed it to a miracle where God
sent me new cigarettes. Looking back, it's more likely I just didn't
realize I had cigarettes there. But wouldn't it be cool if God gave you
cigarettes? That's the kind of God I want. Anyway. This has
been good to kill time. For me, at least. You can finish yourself
off when I'm done. I assume you masturbate while reading this.
Anyway. Good night!