Thursday, March 28, 2019

Someone Has To Write Titles And Entries.  It Should Be Me.

        That's my hypothesis.  Anyway.  I had a dream last night I was hanging out with Bernie Sanders.  I've actually had several dreams involving Bernie Sanders over the last month or two, but this is the first time I was in the dream and spending time with him and got a sense of his fake-dream-personality.  But, anyway, I didn't really click with him.  He seemed like a good guy-- he was kind, generous, and positive-- but I just didn't get it.  And the closing thought of the dream was I think I'll support Elizabeth Warren as my number one pick now.  Then I woke up thinking wait, does that mean I support Elizabeth Warren over Bernie Sanders now?  Or was that just an idle dreamthought.  And I concluded it shouldn't change my mind in real life because dreams aren't reality as far as I know.
    Baseball season starts today!  To redeem my bonus on Poker, I have to bet a little bit on sports.  Put six dollars on The Mets to score over 3 runs in their first game today.  This is easy.  Of course they're gonna score over 3 runs because that's my prediction.  Easiest six dollars I've ever will make.  Anyway.  So far I have about a 50% success rate of going to exercise room and doing elliptical + treadmill as opposed to just taking a walk.  Either way, having the option makes me feel great no matter what choice I make.  I go to the exercise room, I feel great afterwards, I actually did some real exercising and made a better use of today than I would have without it.  And, if I just take a walk, I feel great, today was easy, no rigorous exercise, whatta breeze of a day!
    The point is third entry within seven days.  May be a mini-entry, we'll see.  What else.  I was taking a shower last night and it occurred to me that never in my life have I used the bar of soap on the top of my head.  Is that something we're supposed to do?  Assuming we have head hair.  Do we still soap up the top of our dome over the hair?  Never even thought to do it, but now I realize that my head has accumulated a lot of bacteria over 30 years!  Shampoo cleans the hair, sure, but does it clean the head beneath the hair?  I don't know!  And there's no way to find out!  It's a mystery!  Well, better late than never.
    Anyway.  Here's another thoughtjoke I had that I feel if I had a twitter following and tweeted it, it would get half a K re-tweets-- If your fetishes don't change over time, you're not growing as a person.  It's funny because it makes you think and is probably amusing to the point of coming close to recognizing it as humor.  Poker going okay.  Been up and down a bit, but have been ending up each day at roughly the same place.  Three runs in one game?  The Mets can do that in their sleep!  They have Robinson Cano.  I can imagine him hitting a three run homer all by himself!  Man sports betting is easy.  What else.  In exchange for not exercising in the morning, I plan on making it up a little by doing more sets of sit-up/push-ups.  Glad I cleared that up.
    Wonderful.  I feel like Dream Bernie Sanders is probably a lot like Real Bernie Sanders and every other politician I support-- they'd seem like nice, positive people, but I don't wanna be friends with them.  That's my hypothesis.  What paragraph are we into.  Fifth.  How about that.  One thing that I consciously worry about, with taking significantly fewer walks, and thus getting Dunkin Donuts/Starbucks as often, is the people who work there being concerned and alarmed that they don't see me often at all.  If I settle into a schedule of, lets say, walking twice a week, and splitting that between Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks, that means I'm only getting each one once a week.  The people I've gotten to know who work there will be like, where is Mike?  Well, at Starbucks at least.  They actually took the time to learn my name whereas Dunkin Donuts hasn't and is dead to me.
    Not so much them being concerned-- it's more them thinking why doesn't Mike like us any more?  Have we done something wrong?  I can't stand letting people down like that.  I went to Dunkin Donuts on my evening walk a few days ago at around 7:30 PM and they literally had 15 donuts left overall.  I get that they sell various donuts throughout the day, but I'd never seen anything like that.  I feel like Dunkin Donuts on Springfield BLVD has started phoning it in and just can't be bothered to make enough donuts anymore?  When's the Time To Make The Donuts?  NOW PLEASE.  Well, lets say half an hour ago.  They better be ready by now!  How dare them.  I'm pretty sure according to sports betting rules, if the Mets score three runs, I just get my money back.  I guess I'll find out.
    Jeez.  My favorite part about getting donuts is looking forward to eating a donut and then getting ready to eat it only to be disappointed its smaller than I anticipated, based on how they display them in the store.  This has happened at least a dozen times.  I see them every time I get coffee, hmm that donut looks pretty big.  I get it-- hey this is smaller than I thought!  Then I repeat the process three weeks later.  It's fun!  What else is going on.  Went to the bakery today and got myself four different cookies.  Black & White and Chocolate Dot will each be its own breakfast.  Chocolate Chip and Rainbow Sprinkles will each be its own after dinner snack.  I plan ahead! 
    At least when it comes to desserts.  I'm very determined and responsible and disciplined when it comes to desserts.  Anyway.  One day when I get a cold brew iced coffee from Starbucks, and I'm watching them make it, I wanna go don't be stingy with the water!  Fill 'er up with water as much as possible!  And just see how they react.  Eighth paragraph.  I liked finding out the Trump's polls didn't change at all after Barr's summary of Mueller report.  Kinda flips the conventional wisdom on its head.  Instead of thinking, this guy can do anything and it won't make a dent in his support! we should be thinking this guy can do anything and it won't make a dent in his opposition!  Considering his opposition is 3:2 larger than his support.  That kinda makes more sense, don't ya think?
    That's my hot take.  Mets game in an hour.  I wonder how many three run homeruns Robinson Cano will hit.  Two or maybe even three?  That'll really drive the point home that I'm good at sports betting.  When a bat boy grows up, does he become a Batman?  Kinda feel like I've said that before, probably around four or five years ago.  Feels like the kind of thing I would say on Crazysheet circa 2014.  I was thinking, going into this entry, I'd be satisfied with ten paragraphs.  Well, we're almost done with the ninth, and its taken me about 30 or 40 minutes.  At this point, 15 or 20 is well within reach.  I've noticed poker is a lot easier in the morning and early afternoon compared to late afternoon and evening.  I guess the kind of players who play early in the day, Eastern Standard Time, are just worse than players at other times of the day.  I feel like it would be valuable to use this information to only play early in the day.  We'll see how that goes.  It'll probably just lead to me playing later in the day, going, alright, gotta be careful this poker session, really make sure I try to outplay the players.  And then losing all my money.  Sounds like a good way to do things to me.
    Anyway.  I wanted to bet on The Mets to win the game in general, but they were all like, ok, if you bet four dollars, you stand to win $1.90.  And I was all like, that doesn't sound right!  Sure I think the Mets are favored to win, but $1.90?  That doesn't make sense, you better work on your odds if you want anyone to be placing bets with you.  I'm probably gonna eat a hot pocket for lunch today because that's the kind of guy I am this lunch.  Sometimes I fantasize about having a job and what that would mean for my diet.  What kind of lunches and snacks and dinners and breakfasts I'd be eating if I had a good ol' 9 to 5.  It's really interesting to hypothesize, but ultimately pointless not knowing the specifics of the schedule.  You know, like Mueller report speculation.
    I sure hope the 700 page Mueller report is just 700 pages of records of what the Mueller team ate for lunch and potentially dinner if they were working late.  I'd love to get my hands on those facts.  I'm not kidding.  I'm interested in seeing what other people have for lunch.  And Mueller's team specifically?  I'd find that fascinating.  Jeez.  Got a new low calorie coffee creamer from supermarket and its pretty great.  Is that a humble brag?  Or just a regular brag.  Not sure what would make it humble, now that I think about it.  I'm basically saying how great I am at picking products from supermarket, there's no modesty or humility in it at all.
    What paragraph are we into.  12th.  Hey how about that.  Most likely the last entry of the month.  Cool!  Haven't shaved in a few weeks.  My plan is to shave after every comedy class, so each comedy class, I have a weekful of stubble.  I figure that's the kind of look I'm going for this spring-into-summer.  I'd like to imagine they named stubble because you can stub your fingers on it while stroking your chin.  Hey ow that hurt!  Something like that.  Helping my brother move this weekend.  I feel like that's an adult thing to do.  I like to have my life revolve around the odd adult things I do here and there.  Helps me keep going and whatnot.
    Cool.  I'm reservedly pumped about the Mets this year.  I think they can go the distance-- by which I mean I think they can participate in each of the 162 games they have scheduled.  No we can't get 25 people on the field this game, we forfeit!  Forget, "Meaningful games in September," the Mets mantra of the last decade.  I'm happy to settle for, "Games in September."  I figure that's a victory in and of itself.  Hey, I wouldn't be able to get 25 people together to play a baseball game.  They've already won in my book.  Looks like they're doing the Star Spangled Banner right now.  I find it funny that probably about 50% of the people, from the south at least, who are like stand for the national anthem, respect the flag! are the same people who have confederate flag stickers on their car or truck.  The irony is palpable!
    That's a coming-close-to-the-brink-of-laughing-em-up.  Hey, what's wrong with liking both flags.  I'm a flag aficionado.  I think every flag ever associated with white people like me should be saluted.  These are the people who get season tickets to Six Flags and are then disappointed to find out its an amusement park.  I thought it was gonna be a monument to flags!  What the hell are these thrill rides doing here?!  Probably will eat lunch when this entry is over, but there's a chance I'll take a break close to the end to eat lunch.  These are the important issues.  Anyway, what paragraph we into.  14!  I can't believe it.  Well, I can.  The evidence is staggering.
    Cool!  Next three books I read are gonna be the Beastie Boys book, the Guided By Voices book, and the Norm MacDonald book.  Hmm, Norm Macdonald.  Some sort of pun with normalizing McDonalds: The Restaurant.  There we go, brilliant.  If I'm having a hot pocket for lunch, I can't just decide when to eat when I'm done with the entry.  I have to put it in the oven beforehand.  Unless I eat it from the microwave, like an animal.  You idiots it's better from the oven.  Don't be a chump and microwave it like... well, like a chump, like I said.  So, it's 1:01 now, I'll put it in around 1:15 for about 45 minutes.  I like my hot pockets well done!
    Cool.  OH NO the games about to start and I still have closed captioning on and its gonna block some of the action!  I need to change the settings quick!  Alright, calm down.  I'm of no use to anyone panicking.  There's a right way to do this, and its not getting hysterical.  Ok, Mike, you got this.  Slow and steady.  Click the button, click another button, and its off.  You'll get there.  Ok.  Now!  Alright there we go.  Hey what else is going on.  I feel like 20 paragraphs today would be correct.  Only four more after this one.  Great, just great.  Well, Cano just hit a solo homerun as the third batter of the day.  I was close!  Wasn't three run, but what the Hell, it's halfway there.
    Maybe I'm a sports betting genius.  So far, the evidence is staggering.  Will put hot pocket in oven after this paragraph.  That's my deal and whatnot.  The Mets being on is distracting me.  I stopped thinking completely for a good 15 minutes.  Just put it on mute while I finish this crap up.  Anyway, what in the wide world of sports.  What the Hell?!  Its on mute and there's no way of me even seeing whats being said when I turn my head!  What the Hell is wrong with my TV?!  Jeez.  Up about 35 dollars in poker so far today.  My hypothesis of doing better early in the day is living up to the hype.  Oh.  Thesis.  Maybe I can actually not play any more poker today!  That'd be swell.  Gonna put hot pocket in the oven.  Actually it's a lean pocket.  I'm watching my figure!  ...Not constantly.  Just here and there for a second in the mirror.  Not sure it really counts as, "Watching."
    Penpenultimate paragraph, unless I write a bonus paragraph or two.  I'm a big fan of the bonus paragraph.  You and I both earn it over the course of the entry and its nice to get a reward as such and so on.  Hey I'm only up 25 dollars in poker.  That's still very good.  I don't know.  Wait maybe poker just registered the 6 dollars I gambled on sports and took it out of my account.  Well that would sum it up.  Also, my estimations could be several dollars off, so a loss of six dollars could be construed as a loss of 10 dollars in my mind.  Because that's the kind of idiot I am these days.  Already have dinner in the fridge for tonight.  Bison burger.  That's right-- I walk the walk!  I told you I eat bison burgers, and god damnit, I eat bison burgers!
    I bet there's some percent of people who, like me, enjoy bison burgers, who would be upset to learn that bison aren't endangered anymore.  Yeah, I liked it when I thought they were endangered, but now that I realize I'm not participating in the active extinction of a species of animal... kinda ruins it for me.  Probably.  That's my guess.  What else.  Are there people that get off on the idea that when they're eating meat they're essentially causing the death of an animal?  I know there are vegetarians who don't eat meat for that reason.  But are there people who are just like, well, the taste, I could take it or leave it... but I love the idea that I caused this animal's death!  And the pain and suffering that the animal experienced living in captivity?  That's the icing on the cake!
    Gotta be some people, right?  Well, time to wrap things up.  Now back to got nothin' going on at all.  This was fun while it lasted.  Mets have 1 run in 3 innings.  At this rate, I'll break even!  Unless there's extra innings!  In which case I got extra chances to win!  So, anyway.  How you doing.  Pretty good probably, right?  It's Thursday.  If Noah Syndergaard was pitching today, it would be Thorsday.  I should be working in the Mets publicity office!  I'd be all like Thorsday this, and Games in September that.  The point is the entry is over.  Let's all move on with our lives.  See ya later.

-1:54 P.M.                
   

Monday, March 25, 2019

More Incremental Progress

        At least on my end.  I can't speak for you.  Unless you're my ventriloquist dummy.  Whom I call Lil' Dummy.  Which makes me Big Dummy.  Well, slightly less lil' Dummy, at least.  What kind of dummy decided to spell dummy without a, "B."  Sure hope someone at Websters was fired for that.  Excuse me, Merriam-Webster.  Does corporate consolidation and monopolization know no bounds?  These jerks control 95% of the dictionary market.  Who knows for sure what words we're missing out on and what words we're spelling wrong and what words are being used incorrectly.  There's no accountability! 
    Oh, right.  Incremental progress.  Taking poker less seriously and trying to play responsibly.  Working ever so slightly more on creative endeavors.  Exercising a little bit more intensely than I have been.  When Merriams and Websters decided to team up, did Merriam and Webster have to get married?  I imagine Merriam was named after a lady named Merriam and Webster was named after a man named Webster.  And the only way to legally combine was for the dictionary's namesakes to get married.  That's my hypothesis.  What else is incremental progress.  Trying to eat healthier here and there.  I mean, beyond just counting calories.  For example, dinner tonight--  I'm gonna eat some Liver!  Why?  I can eat the same amount of calories in a similarly high protein dinner such as steak or chicken.  Nope!  Liver!  It's a superfood!
    I think whoever coined the term super food dropped the ball.  I'm sure their intentions were great-- Hey, people like superstuff.  We call it superfood, that's gonna excite people.  People won't be able to get enough of superfoods.  Which I assume is their master plan.  Turns out no one cares, though. Super food.  Still sounds too nerdy or for freaks who are health conscious.  Not for me!  They should go back to the drawing board and come up with a term that really gets us morons going.  My suggestions-- hyper food, ultra food, MAGA food. 
    So, Barr's summary of the Mueller report is in.  I still don't know what to think.  Over the last few months, I have been gravitating to the idea that collusion with Russia pales in comparison to other crimes Trump has been committing, and maybe was over-hyped a bit.  But, still, in my un-expert opinion, there does seem to be a lot of evidence-- that we've already seen-- which goes beyond 'seeming fishy.' in regards to Russia working with Trump campaign.  Also, again, I'm not a lawyer.  Maybe I'm wrong.  But seeing Trump on TV saying he fired someone for opening an investigation into him kinda seems like obstruction of justice.
    Maybe I'm just an idiot and don't know what things mean.  Or maybe no one in power gives a shit and want us to move on.  Either way, what else is going on.  Webster's dictionary defines obstruction of justice as [INSERT TEN CENTS HERE.]  Damn that repeal of Dictionary Neutrality!  You can't put a price on a good vocabulary.  Anyway, jeez, new week.  Been thinking about trying to write Crazysheet a little more often.  No reason not to, other than a complete lack of inspiration and things to say.  It's been pointed out before, but I find it hilarious that, to my knowledge, throughout his whole campaign, and afterwards, not once did Trump ever say when America was great.  Or what made it great.  If it was a real thing he believed in, don't you think he'd have been constantly eloquently talking about when America was great, what made it that way, and how we'll return to those values and principles?
    Nope.  Not once.  Because it just was meant to play to people's semi-unconscious racism, intolerance, and closed-mindedness.  Trump never said Reagan or Some Other Republican President was great!  That's what I'm going for.  Nothing like that.  Oh well, what can ya do.  I know it's been said before, by me, but I hope Trump's slogan in 2020 is Make America Great Again Again.  Because it would make me laugh.  That's why people should do things.  For my amusement.  Anyway, what paragraph are we into.  I'm sick of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer doing things as a team.  When we supported Democrats in the midterms, no one was picturing the face of our party becoming a Pelosi/Schumer tag team.  Basically nullifies the political power Pelosi could be wielding by leading a majority of the house of representatives.  Teaming up with Schumer, who has a lot less power, it just looks like Excuse Me We've Got Something To Say!  Listen Up God Damnit!  Why Isn't Anyone Listening?!
    Again, I'm an idiot, so don't take that hot take to mean anything other than me just bullshitting my way through a paragraph.  I feel like I should drive that point home every other paragraph in every entry from now on.  What paragraph are we into.  Seventh.  Hey how about that.  My parents are both going to the dentist right now.  I've got the whole house to myself!  Better run around and do all the things I couldn't do when one or both of them are here.  You know, like take a crap in the kitchen sink, then spend an hour erasing the evidence.  Or how about disconnecting all the electronics and then snake around reconnecting them.  You know-- snake around?  Like, let's say I start off disconnecting the TV, and at the end, make my way to disconnecting the phone.  Then, I start reconnecting things with the phone, and end with the TV.  Like a snake.  What else can I do.  Lick all the silverware. 
    The point is, you might think all that might seem like just random bullshit that means nothing and isn't funny-- but you'd be wrong.  It represents my unconscious desires of what I would be capable of were I to be living alone and/or unburdened by relationships with my parents.  Crapping in sink, silverware licking, and disconnecting and reconnecting electronics.  That's what my ID wants to accomplish in life.  Oh well what can ya do.  Move on.  Had some freezer bread today.  I got a loaf of bread back in October, having read you can put a loaf of bread in the freezer, and have it last for months.  Here we are, over 5 months later, and its still going strong!  Down to only two or three pieces left, and two of them are end pieces.  YUCK.  Who the hell eats end pieces of supermarket bread?  What kind of sickness do these people have.  It's half crust!  DISGUSTING.
    Jeez.  If you hadn't been following politics the last three months, and you saw Attorney General Barr released a glossed over version of the Mueller report-- be honest-- you'd be thinking Trump made Roseanne the Attorney General?!?!  And now Roseanne is involved in a cover-up to protect the president!?! ...Well, I can't say I'm 100% surprised...  I guess.  What else is going on.  Thinking about starting to wear contact lenses again.  They're relatively expensive, but if I decide to only wear them on days I go out in public to do something social or professional, a 90 day supply should last me about 30 years.  Sounds good to me!
    Anyway, what else is crappening.  Also, the way I started exercising more, is that instead of taking a morning walk, I go to the neighborhood developments' exercise room, and thus far have done about 15 minutes with the elliptical machine and 35 minutes on treadmill.  Which means I'm not getting an iced coffee every day anymore.  Which, if I get an iced coffee once a week instead of once a day, it will save me over 1000 dollars over a year.  It's madness the things we/I waste money on!  Of course, the superfood of wasting money on things is cigarettes.  10 dollars a day to not-so-slowly kill myself.  Whatta idiot I am.
    11th paragraph.  Let's guesstimate we're halfway through the entry.  I think I'm gonna make myself some coffee.  It's in the house so it's free you jerks.  Doesn't cost a dime.  BAIRBNB.  Hey I'm back.  That was instantaneous for you.  Well, almost.  I assume it took a tenth of a microsecond to move on from reading, "BAIRBNB." to, "Hey I'm back."  I'm actually only back momentarily.  Takes five or ten minutes for coffee to brew.  Then, I'm back downstairs to get coffee, then I'm back yet again.  I also just spent 5 minutes in a blank daze instead of typing anything, or even thinking anything, so hey coffee should be ready now! BRBABSH.
  Wonderful.  Back at it.  Been getting bison burgers a lot the last few months.  I went through a phase of getting Burger King/Mcdonalds/Wendys/White Castle about once a week on doordash.  And I would, here and there, get a bison burger from the diner.  Now I realize I was wasting calories on hamburgers all this time.  Sure, fast food has sentimental taste value, but just get a bison burger from a diner you idiot, it's less calories and healthier.  Don't be an idiot.  Or, if you really can't do that, put all your time and energy into lobbying fast food companies to start offering bison burgers.  Don't be a lil' dummy, change won't come without you putting your effort in.  Be part of the solution!  Native Americans use all of the burger.
    Even the lettuce?  Especially the lettuce!  What do they do with it?  Eat it!  Gross!  I like lettuce just fine.  Tomato is gross, though.  That's my hot take on hamburger toppings.  Hey what else is going on.  Might open up a poker table for the rest of this entry.  Keep the mind busy and whatnot.  I liked reading that Jordan Peele intended this new movie to be all horror and no comedy because it made my observation about people in the theater not knowing when to laugh all the more correct.  Because people were laughing a lot.  And now knowing they should have never been laughing, I know for sure they were wrong!
    I love to read reviews of movies, this one is a good example, where the reviewer unabashedly declares his interpretation of the film in the review as if it unquestionably the right one.  Us is supposed to make us think this, it means this, this is what Peele was going for, and so on.  You idiot that's just what you think!  There's ten other professional critics who each said a completely different thing with the same amount of confidence!  For shame.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I don't like getting to movies like this early, and smoking a cigarette outside the theater waiting to kill time, and then the crowd from the previous showing is exiting the theater, and I have to use all my focus to sit there and try not to listen to their commentary about the movie.  Have you ever tried to not listen to something audible that's going on around you?  It's hard!  I don't know the correct way to do it.
    I don't just mean just tune it out and not take it to heart.  Sure, you do that all the time.  A family member is crying about being diagnosed with cancer and going on and on and you're just like I don't care!  When will this jerk shut up!  Cause you can still register what's being said, you just want it to end.  No, I mean, how can I not hear what's being said?  It's very difficult and I imagine you can do some eastern Yoga-ish type exercises to achieve it but I haven't really looked into it extensively but it does sound like an interesting thing to research now that I think about it.  Anyway.  Finished Cup 1 of coffee.  Will commence with Cup 2 of 2 now.
    16th paragraph.  I thought I'd be done dieting by now, by far.  At first I estimated I'd be done around the new year.  As time kept passing, and I lost little weight, had to amend that prediction over and over.  Maybe this new exercise regimen will help me get over the top.  We'll see how that goes.  I don't get that drug that lets people keep being hungry and keep eating that showed up in that one Hunger Games movie I saw [Hey-- Hunger Games-- I just got that!].  Being full is the greatest!  They're constantly depriving themselves of feeling satisfied.  Anyway jeez.  Gotta start a new round of books.  I saw Ben Folds has one coming out soon.  I like that guy, even if Folds is his last name and Ben Folds Five isn't a poker reference.  Because, if you're making a poker reference in a band name, Ben Folds Five is the peak of perfection.  I've done this riff before, but it's like, his hand is so bad, he folds all his cards!  Love it.
    I also used to think Led Zeppelin was a real Zeppelin.  Well that was stupid.  Oh well what can ya do.  Because of all the hands I've played in poker, I have about 30 dollars worth of bonus, but I have to gamble a little bit in either sports or horses to receive it.  It's to a small enough degree that, even being clueless when it comes to those types of gambling, it makes sense to just blindly gamble a little bit to retrieve the bonus.  So I'll try to figure that riddle out.  I put all my money on 21 Jets!  I combined roulette with a bad sports team.  That's what makes that a joke in my head.
    Anyway.  I always feel like people are judging me when I take bathroom breaks during the movie.  I could live with missing a minute of the movie here and there-- but I hate thinking people are thinking what the Hell this guy is getting up and leaving?  What, the movie isn't good enough for him?  What a fucking asshole.  Oh well, what can ya do.  I feel like I might be saving more calories than I thought by not having iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts/Star Bucks every day.  I'm pretty sure they put in 4x the amount of milk in the coffee than their nutrition guide suggests.  Anyway.  Just saw a rubber band on my dresser, and it reminded me of this story.  I've never been a fashion conscious kind of a guy, but the one thing in my life I remember doing for fashion was in middle school, I would sometimes put a rubber band around one of my wrists.  I just thought it looked cool.  True story.
    Wow!  I don't know.  19th paragraph.  May go over 20-- I don't know yet!  What else.  I like the idea of doing Crazysheet twice, three times a week.  I've gone through periods in the past of doing that.  I can do it again!  Whose gonna stop me, you?  You couldn't stop a fly!  From doing fly things!  Like flying!  That's part of the incremental progress alluded to in the title.  Just keep doin' stuff.  Anyway, what else is going on wide world of sports.  Nope, didn't forget the word, "in."  Made a choice not to use it.  Prove me wrong!  Jeez.  I go through streaks in poker where I'm playing great and streaks where I'm playing terribly.  Not a lot of middle ground.  Either I'm dominating the table, or I'm giving away money.
    So I got that going for me.  A lot of it depends on the hands I'm getting.  For example, when I get pocket kings, I tend to win a lot more pots than when I get 6 jack off-suit.  I guess that's just my style of play.  Hey it's the 20th paragraph which was theoretically going to be the last paragraph but now doesn't feel like it!  I like to overstay my welcome on Crazysheet.  Go 5 paragraphs beyond where I should have stopped.  That's what winners do.  Kinda like how I play poker.  What?  I'm going on tilt and hemorrhaging money?  BETTER KEEP PLAYING!  That sort of crap.  Playing poker does sort of fit in with my semi-obsessive compulsive behavior the last year, with dieting and exercising.  Poker bankroll is just another number to keep track of day-in, day-out, hour-in, hour-out.
    So I got that going for me.  Anyway, I don't know.  Gonna sit out from poker after this cigarette maybe.  Then bring down empty cup of coffee, bring up 3/4ths full cup of SnappleWater.  It's a drink of my own I concocted.  It's 2/3rds Snapple, 1/3rd water.  Secret family recipe.  Well, the secrets out now.  But you get the idea.  I like getting to the bottom of a cup of homebrewed coffee and getting those coffee grounds stuck on my tongue.  They're like little shitty prizes!  Alright hey what's going on.  Decided to drink a vitamin water zero.  Had an extra one.  Get seven to last me a week-- supermarket is on Wednesday morning-- had two left even after today's first vitamin water.  I had an extra vitamin water somehow-- must have missed a day at some point-- so now today there's two vitamin waters.  Fascinating.
    Huh.  22nd paragraph, with the obvious goal of 25.  I feel all jittery from the coffee.  Who could have predicted such a turn of events.  I never know what to do with vitamin water zero caps.  I always instinctively put that cap back on after every sip, but that means I gotta do all the hard work of taking it back off before every sip!  It keeps it fresh, but that's a lot of effort to put into drinking compared to just leaving it off while I wait between sips.  These are the problems we all face day to day.  Gettin relatively close to dinner time.  It's the late afternoon!  We're in the thick of it now!  You know, that sort of crap and whatnot.  What else is going on.
    This could be the last paragraph.  This could be the penultimate paragraph.  The penpenultimate paragraph.  Probably one of those three.  Let's see, words, words, words... Hmm.  Hey, how's this.  How devoid of humanity do you have to be to want to be an, "influencer?"  Mom, Dad.  I figured out my purpose in life.  My calling.  I want to sell products to people on the guise that I'm their internet friend.  The world is a messed up place but I feel like I can really do a good thing by encouraging people to buy things.  I mean, I guess a lot of people go into advertising, so that's not that different.  But this is somehow worse.  Cause with advertising, everyone knows what they're getting.  With, "Influencing," there's the subtext that you're pretending to be helping people and impartial and giving them tips.  It's kind of sickening.
    24th paragraph!  I don't know.  There might also be an element to Influencing where the Influencer feels like they're now in the entertainment industry.  Which is glamorous for some reason.  And that element is also kind of gross and sad.  I wanna be in the entertainment industry.  Yeah but on the merit of creativity!  And being entertaining for being funny or good musically or something!  Totally different thing!  Sort of!  It's about an 80% different thing!  I don't know.  What in the world of sports.  If Facebook was around in the 1980's, what percent of students in Virginia would be in blackface in their profile pic?  50%?  80%?  These are the questions no one else dares to ponder.  Nice joke... if it was 2 months ago!  Hey shut up.  No one talks to me that way!  Not you, not no one!
    Last paragraph finally.  I guess.  Whattado with the two hours between finishing this entry and eating dinner.  I'm leaning towards lying in bed and reading twitter.  Maybe mixed with putting some Mystery Diagnosis or whatever such nonsense on TV in the background.  I'm sick of getting e-mails-- from all sorts of Democratic groups and candidates, not just one-- where their pitch for me donating money is we're about to reach a critical FEC deadline, we wanna reach this amount, you better donate now!  These deadlines are completely arbitrary, as far as I know.  Me donating now so it counts toward this period of time as opposed to me waiting a day for the next period of time means nothing in terms of supporting your cause or campaign.
    Alright, one bonus paragraph.  I think I've earned it!  What else is wide world of sports.  Finally finishing Brian Posehn's book.  That's what my life has been reduced to.  What else is crap.  Got an appointment with the endocrinologist on Friday.  Hopefully I still have endocrine.  I guess we'll find out.  Whenever I do sit-ups, the last sit-up of my set is always combined with me getting up.  I feel I exercise all the same muscles as a plain sit-up, and its just supplemented by me actually getting up.  Fascinating.  Same thing with push ups, but that's obvious.  These are the issues we face every day.  Anyway, I guess that's it.  See ya later.

-4:53 P.M.           
 
 
      
             

Friday, March 22, 2019

I Should Be Able To Think of a Better Title Than This

        Shoulda woulda coulda.  Pete.  Buttgieg.  Hey it's gonna be an entry ain't that great.  Just saw Us.  Mueller's report has reportedly been reported to the AG.  Gonna eat in 45 minutes.  Poured myself an alcoholic beverage.  Well, that's it folks.  If we're conceptualizing Crazysheet as primarily a blog, there it is, that's what's going on in my life.  Covered all the bases.  Even worked in some commentary about how the first syllable of Mayor Pete's last name rhymes with slang spellings of other words.  All in all, I feel like I accomplished a lot today.  See Ya Later!
    Wait, no.  Gotta keep going for some reason.  Hey, something else is new.  Gonna be taking a stand up comedy class!  I was absentmindedly browsing UCB improv classes, and I suddenly thought, I wonder if there's stand up comedy classes anywhere.  Turns out there is!  It's from Caroline's: The Comedy Club.  Signed up for that and really excited about it.  Gotta have 2 minutes prepared to do on the first class in six weeks.  Started writing a bit, and somehow, it's more confessional than Crazysheet.  I wanted to just jump in and talk about my mental illness, with the idea being that if I lead with that, I'll be ultra-comfortable and confident knowing that everyone knows my deal.  Also, I get to make jokes about it, so the other people feel comfortable too!  All in all it's a win-win, unless I think of a better bit to do with my 2 minutes.  This was the first thing that came to mind.  Now I have 6 weeks to think of something better.
    But, yeah, that's pretty exciting.  Us was pretty scary.  The twist ending is that it's actually about the United States.  I never saw it coming!  I also saw my therapist today.  Normally, my next appointment would be four weeks from today, but she couldn't do that, because she said it was Good Friday.  So I went Good Friday?  What's so good about it!  Also, Ebert's review for the movie Friday was, "This was interesting, but they should make a Good Friday."  Also, Easter?  I hardly know her!  Also, "Good?"  That's all you got for a resurrection?  "Hey our friend came back from the dead!  That's Good.  Good For Him."  Also, you ever notice, the word, "Good," is really made up of two parts-- "Go," and, "Od?"  Like, Go OD!  I don't know if that's good or not-- it could be saying, "Go OD on drugs you asshole I want you off the face of this Earth."  But it could also mean, "Yo we gonna do this shit right.  We gonna Go OD with this bitch."  That could be a slang even if it's one not yet.  Good Friday.  Which I presume is followed up by Average Saturday.  Reminds me of the Kids In The Hall theme song, which the name of the song is actually officially titled, "Having An Average Weekend."  Speaking of Kids In The Hall...
    Just read the Kids In The Hall book.  It was pretty good.  Pretty much just rote anthology about what they did, and it was interesting enough, but I didn't really get any of the references on account of not knowing Kids In The Hall at all.  Also, it was a real struggle to read, because I still don't know 100% which one is which.  I'm pretty sure I know which one is Dave Foley and which one is Scott Thompson.  About 50% sure which one is Kevin McDonald.  But, yeah, reading about their intra-troupe politics and whatnot, just sorta had to accept the fact, not sure which one is which.  Oh well, does it really matter?  What's important is is that they're all people. 
    So now I'm done with all the latest round of books except for the second half of Brian Posehn.  And I also never finished some of the music memoirs I got a couple years back.  Read most of Pete Townshend, and a little bit of Bob Dylan, but never finished them.  Oh well, such is life.  Gonna refill drink.  Been chewing a lot of gum lately.  You know what that's like, right?  It certainly is one way to make the most out of life.  Also, doing pretty good on poker.  Was up as high as $550 on my original $50 deposit, been up and down, am now around $400.  If I end up withdrawing roughly $400, which right now is the idea (And doing so after hopefully making another $50-100 to leave on poker to continue playing), I can look at that in one of two ways.  Well, one of an infinite amount of ways.  But my two favorite ways are either now I'm even from all the times I deposited over the last few years or that'll pay for the stand up class.  Both are very appealing.  I like the idea of not having lost hundreds of dollars over the last few years.  But I also like the idea of having that as part of my narrative, I was able to take this class cause I won money on poker!  Gotta pick one, though.  I can't just go between the two depending on my whims and whatever I wanna tell myself or other people at the time.  Gotta pick one story and stick with it.
    Life is tough.  Gotta make tough decisions in life.  This is one example of such a scenario.  Anyway, this is the first time in months I'm drinking liquor as opposed to beer.  It's good!  It goes down quickly!  I like that in an alcohol.  Bought a new nail clipper after having lost my old one for two weeks.  Man, oh man, did I have a fun few days clipping some semi-grown nails.  It was a blast.  It's over now, though the memories I created will live forever in my mind.  How come when Jesus resurrected himself, he didn't stay on Earth for a while to really stick it to the Romans.  Show up at Caesar's Palace, Hey what's up.  And Caesar is like, I thought you said you crucified him!  And his flunky is like, We What?  WE did?  But... how... you...  Anyway.  The funny part of that was saying Caesar's Palace.  Just to make sure you know there was a funny part in that bullshit.
    A lot of mixed feelings about the impending actual report/leaking of parts of the report from Mueller.  Whatever he finds, though, life will continue on as it has been.  We still know the crimes he has committed.  And we already know he probably wasn't writing messages back and forth on WhatsApp with Putin talking about their secret master plan.  I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a text chain with Trump.  I doubt he would be able to do that, though.  Twitter is perfect for him because he just talks about himself all the time.  I can't imagine him having a conversation with anyone, online or not, where he's just like, so, how have you been?  What's going on with you?  Pretty sure 100% of what he talks about is himself.
    That reminds me of someone.  His name is me.  I'd happily talk to someone about themselves.  I just don't talk to anyone other than myself.  So, naturally, when I talk to myself, it's about me.  It's my only shared interest with myself.  Myself doesn't really have a lot going on, other than Me.  What else.  Food came, put it in the oven, will eat in about 20 minutes.  I got that going on and whatnot.  Eighth paragraph.  Us was the first movie I've seen in the theater in a long time which I didn't feel compelled to have to drink before/during.  I've reached a place in life where I don't need alcohol to perform regular life duties!  Except for this entry.  That's the exception that proves the rule.
    Jeez.  I had a save-em-up.  What was it.  I'll go check.  Oh, here's one!  Blaming Bernie Sanders for Hillary Clinton losing to Trump in 2016 is like me blaming the Chicago Cubs for the Mets losing to the Royals in 2015.  [Mets lost to the Royals in the World Series.  They had beat the Cubs in the NLCS to advance to the World Series.]  Save-em up.  Wonderful.  I think I intended for there to be more exposition and whatnot.  Oh well, life doesn't always turn out how you expect.  I like the idea of Joe Biden's secret strategy of running with Stacey Abrams as his VP.  I know you don't like me, and don't want me to be president-- so here's an idea!  If you support me, you also get to support someone you do like!  Brilliant.  It's like that time I participated in Mr. USA by picking, I don't know, some handsome guy as my vice president.  I'm not great with references.  I may not be MR. USA material, but lookit, my friend is!  And, thus, that's how I became MR. USA.
    Abram is my Jewish name.  Avram.  Translates directly to Abram-- because it's the shortened version of Abraham-- which I believe was the Jewish Bible's Abraham's real name until God decided to bless him by elongating it.  After which, I can only imagine he reacted, great, now my name's longer.  What a gift.  I made such an impression on God that he decided to reward me... with a longer name.  Makes it all worthwhile I guess.  The good news is with the Mueller report out of the way, however it ends up going, now the news will have to talk about something else-- presumably the other ways in which Trump breaks the law and lies and is a criminal.  They're already halfway there by endlessly talking about Russia-- now you got all this free time to talk about even more obvious crap he's pulled/is pulling!
    I assume they won't just talk about the Mueller report for the next 18 months.  Unless there's some bombshells.  In which case, talk they shall.  But I don't see them going hmm, obvious evidence of obstruction, lots of people on his campaign clearly colluded with Russia, somehow Trump seemed to be above it all, no hard evidence he was actively intensely part of the scheme... well, guess Trump's a good guy now.  Let's support him unconditionally.  You never know, though.  Anyway, what the what, what paragraph are we into now.  11th.  Wonderful.  Gonna eat now.  Then, Part II!       

  
     Hey it's time for part II!  That's one of my two favorite parts on the condition that there's only two parts.  Dinner was pretty great.  I totally had two slices of pizza!  Been helping out around the house a little bit more with my Dad's hip condition and impending surgery.  Taking out the garbage, taking laundry to the Laundromat, bringing in groceries.  Stuff like that.  Really feels nice.  I depend on these jerks (my parents) for housing and food and all that stuff, so to be able to say, I spend 5 minutes every day helping them out, makes me feel like a great guy and now we're all cosmically even.  For some reason, Microsoft FrontPage recognizes laundromat as a word-- but only if I capitalize it.  I can't figure that one out.  Can you?  E-mail me your ideas and if I think you're right I'll put the winning e-mail up on WhatsApp.  What's Whatsapp.  Obvious joke-- but also 100% how I really, truly feel about WhatsApp.
    I like how New Zealand is a good place.  Banning assault rifles after a shooting.  It's nice to know, hey, US is screwed up... but some places are okay!  Really gives you faith in humanity being continued in the odd place here and there across the map.  I said Map instead of Globe because the science is still out.  That's what internet has led me to believe.  I'm still waiting for the Mueller report on Flat Earth.  That is, if we ever see it!  Damn that Attorney General!!!  The point is if it turns out we have a Flat Earth that means all science is wrong.  Not sure what the commentary is there.  Why does everything have to be commentary.  Can't some things just be Nonsense?
    That's something to think about.  Conceptualizing doing stand-up with the experience of taking this class, it suddenly seems like something maybe I could do.  This'll give me the confidence, the social connections, the guided experience on how to craft jokes and bits and being comfortable on stage-- I can actually see it being a jumping off point of getting into stand up.  It's exciting.  And the first bit I started writing, about a specific part of my mental illness, was great.  I started thinking about things in a way I never had before, obvious yet subtle, I made jokes about it that came naturally, and, yeah, well, it's fun.  So I got that going for me this week is the point.  Wonderful.  I mean, with several days of reflection, it's not that greatest bit in the world.  But it's good enough.  Good enough for now.
    So, great, what else is going on.  Worked on a new song, too!  About 2/3rds, 75% done with it.  Music & lyrics.  So I got that going for me, too.  What paragraph is this.  14th?  Ah, 15th.  So close.  Well I guess I lose that competition.  No way of even winning the consolation prize, assuming it goes by The Price Is Right rules.  I went over and now I'm disqualified from ever making another guess again in my entire lifetime.  I never put together that The Price Is Right is a colloquial pun-type-thing until just now.  The announcer never introduces it with the stress on,  well... I don't need to buy it, but the price is right....  He just goes,  The PRICE Is RIGHT!  Some of us need a little bit of extra help and that announcer is letting us all down.
    Anyway.  Got half a jumbo chocolate chip cookie to eat later for dessert.  Or half a jumbo black and white cookie, if I really wanna splurge.  The black and white cookies, I estimate, are more calories than chocolate chip.  On account of all that icing.  I'm getting pretty good at not having to eat right before going to sleep with the reasonable reasoning of I get to eat fuckin' dessert as soon as I wake up!  So I just hurry up to go to sleep, and you know what?  It works!  I'm capable of doing that.  I liked watching Us in the theater because people didn't know when to laugh and when to be scared.  You hear laugher throughout, and you hear people being scared throughout (trust me, you can hear it!), and it's just people depending on how they interpret social cues in the movie and in the perceived audience around them on the appropriate time to laugh and the appropriate time to be scared.  Or maybe it's just me.  And everyone else was individually unequivocally correct on the laughs and the scares.  And I was just projecting my own uncertainly.  NOPE!  Pretty sure I'm a genius and everyone else is an idiot!  Prove me wrong! 
    Anyway.  I like the part of that premise where I imply I can intuitively figure out when people are scared, presumably based on some sort of auditory or visual reaction on their part.  Makes no sense and has no basis in reality, but I still insisted I had that ability for some reason.  Anyway.  On the bus ride home, the bus driver announced that two ladies who just boarded the bus needed change, and I had a bunch of change on account of not knowing whether I had enough rides on my Metrocard for bus (I did!), so I gave one lady 4 quarters for a dollar.  She thanked me and moved on.  Who else can give change!  I wanted to go Me!  I can give even more change!  But they had moved on, and it would have seemed weird.  So now we're stuck in a situation where I've got ample change to give but the pedestrians have moved on and don't want to pay any more attention to me.  Still, though, the old lady sitting near me kept looking at me and nodding her head approvingly and I kept trying to play it cool, but deep down I was so happy I had pleased her with my social niceties and wondered how I could translate that into becoming an even better person and having more old people on busses thinking highly of me.
    At first I assumed they needed change so they could pay for their bus ride, but after apparently getting sufficient change, they just sat down.  So, in the end, it was kind of a scam, but I'm still happy I was able to help out in a small way.  18th paragraph.  Go for 25?  Even 30?  We'll see.  Don't wanna drink that much more, I don't know, I'll figure something out.  If I can get myself to start playing lower stakes in poker, that would be a real positive thing to do.  Like I said, if I can just make another 30, 40 dollars, I'd be very happy with what I could withdraw and have left over.  So we'll see if I'm able to control myself monetarily.
    Probably 25 paragraphs.  Right?  That seems like the right thing to do.  Anyway.  My favorite part about seeing IMAX movies is that the theater I go to has two floors.  Half the screenings are on the basement floor, where the bathroom is, and half are on the second floor.  IMAX is on the basement floor.  So every IMAX movie, I'm guaranteed being on the same floor as the bathroom.  Cuts my bathroom breaks in 1/2.  I totally don't miss out on as much of the movie just because I need to compulsively urinate!  So I got that going for me is the point.  Huh?  You musta missed the point.  It was that I got that going for me.  Got what?  Seeing IMAX.  Still don't get it.  I give up.
    Wonderful!  My least favorite part of dieting is getting 4/5ths through dinner and thinking, I could stop now.  I'd still be hungry, sort of.  But I could stop now and save some calories.  And then the other part of me is like, just finish the fucking dinner you dolt.  You're not stuffing yourself.  The extra 100, 150 calories mean nothing.  Finish your dinner like a regular fucking person.  And that's the side that usually wins.  But it's no fun, I'm tellin' ya!  I gotta watch all of Kids In The Hall, but as of now I've just watched one sketch.  It was weird, because the premise was funny, but most of the jokes within the premise kind of fell flat for me, but the jokes outside the premise-- just in the exposition and whatnot-- were hilarious.  I'm basing this all on one sketch, so I don't know if you could extrapolate it to the entire series, but that was my takeaway.
    Anyway.  Huh.  21st paragraph.  I don't know how I've gotten so far without seeing Kids In The Hall.  I know from the book they used to run it in syndication on Comedy Central, and I do vaguely remember that (it would have been in the 90's, when I was still pretty young).  But I don't remember ever actually really watching it.  But I guess I'm due for a binge watching as soon as I can figure out where to binge watch it.  I was thinking about how fun it would be to rank my favorite comedy TV shows of all time.  My first instinct was, The Simpsons gotta be #1, right?  Mr. Show would probably #2.  That doesn't sound like much fun.  Not to read, maybe.  But to write?  I'd get to clarify all my feelings about what really matters in life-- TV!
    Whatta do when this is over.  Back to mundane nothingness.  Oh well, such is life.  Gotta figure out the next thing to read.  Don't feel like finishing Pete Townshend nor Bob Dylan.  Don't wanna play poker tonight.  I edged my way back up to over 400 dollars after dipping as low as the mid 200's, and I'm happy with where I'm at for now. Don't wanna mess up a good thing.  Sometimes I think about if Online Poker is rigged, but (1) why? (2) how? (3) oh well what can ya do.  So that settles that.  Three and a half more paragraphs.  I got that going for now and whatnot.  Gonna have dessert in about an hour.  All in all, great it's another great night.
    Wow!  Regardless of the Mueller report, we did have this election back in November where the Democrats received the biggest victory since Watergate.  So, I know how much politicians like to talk about lets let the voters decide!  Well, the voters decided.  Regardless of this report.  The resounding victory across America had nothing to do with Russia.  So let's continue to having let them voters decided.  That's my takeaway.  I don't wanna hear any bullshit commentary of I guess Trump is back in the driver's seat!  No.  We decided to vote for Democrats.  Not just me-- a bunch of us!  It was only a few months ago.  Remember?
    Anyway.  Penultimate paragraph.  The little hardcover notebook I had designated for working on new songs is now doubling as working on bits for comedy.  Stand Up Comedy.  Not save-em-ups for this crap.  It's fun because it makes me feel like a professional.  HARD COVER note book?  Now we're getting serious!  That sort of thing.  You only voted for Democrats because you thought Trump colluded with Russia!  No.  You thought he colluded with Russia.  We voted for Democrats because he's a liar and a racist and a misogynist and a fear mongerer and a white nationalist and the head of a kleptocracy and neopotismocracy and corporate and rich people giveaways and insulting to our collective intelligence and destroying the environment and healthcare and poor and middle class and selling access to himself and enriching himself and his businesses and also he kind of just rubs me the wrong way.
    Yeah, you say that now.  Yup-- also said it before!  Also, the other 80% of stuff I couldn't fit into one sentence.  What else is going on.  Final paragraph.  But the point is I guess he's not worth it.  When Pelosi says Trump isn't worth it, she's really saying, we're not worth it.  Eh, America'll be fine with this garbage for another 18 months.  Who really cares as long as I continue to raise money and don't cause any waves.  Whatta joke.  Anyway, that'll wrap this up and whatnot.  The point is Us was scary and sure Trump is scary too, but at least I don't have to watch for social cues to know when to laugh and when to be scared!  Right?  Right?  I'll see ya later.

-8:42 P.M.     
   
                   
   

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

How I Spent My Crazysheet Vacation

        I spent it all in one place.  Home.  What's going on party people.  I finished the Jeff Tweedy book, and am now on the Kevin Hart book.  So everything I was feeling about songwriting and getting back into music for several weeks, now has been transferred into comedy career fantasizing.  It's not the same, because this isn't stand-up.  But still, oh boy, pressures on now.  You ever notice how men and women are different?  One of them is all like I got a dick and the other one is like you are a dick!  I forget which one is which.  Plus, women be crazy.  They all like, yo I'm not attracted to you leave me alone.  You guys know what I'm talking about!
    Jeez.  But, really, I love both these books.  My last social interaction with a black women was a few years ago in a bar, and she came up to me randomly and asked you ever kill someone?  And I went I don't talk about that.  And she was like good answer.  Stay here when I come back from the bathroom.  Then I never saw her again, but all in all I consider it a rewarding experience.  Anyway, what in the world is going on.  I have to use Bitcoin to withdraw money from poker.  I was thinking about starting the Bitcoin equivalent for sperm banks.  I call it cryptocyrocurrency.  Basically I monetize sending penis droppings through the world wide web.  I think this idea is a winner! 
    I was always pretty neutral on Kevin Hart.  He was never my favorite, but he was good enough and immensely likable.  Plus, he's short!  That seals the deal in my book.  I don't like all his confidence, though.  Because I don't share the same amount of it.  Can't relate!  But the book definitely moves him into the people I admire unreservedly category.  I know he got in trouble recently for saying something like he doesn't want his son to be gay.  Oh well, what can ya do.  I think you all misunderstood him-- he meant he doesn't want a gay person to be his son.  Not that he doesn't want his son to be a gay person.  You twisted it around and got confused!  Now we all see where he's coming from!  Wait.  Nope.  Still not good.  Kinda worse somehow, actually.
    Read the book and you'll like him again.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I would never survive in stand up comedy.  For so many reasons.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Write yuk-em-ups from the comfort of my own home with absolutely no pressure!  I can do that!  Sounds like fun.  Anyway, afternoon entry, got a 24 oz can of beer, let's do this thing.  Still up about 200 dollars on poker.  It's been up and down a lot, but in the end, I'm where I was the last entry.  Aiming to withdraw 175 and leave over 75 if I'm still at this bankroll level when I finally do withdraw.  The point is we were promised yuk-em-ups get to it.  I saw Trump tweet that negative coverage of him on late night comedy talk shows have made them, "Unwatchable," to him.  Shouldn't being president and the schedules and responsibilities of the job make watching Late Night With Jimmy Fallon unwatchable?  I don't know.  I thought of that reaction but then I think I vaguely remember reading somewhere some president always watching Johnny Carson.  Don't remember which one-- don't even remember if I ever read that or heard it somewhere-- but it seems like something I heard somewhere once!
    Looks like Manafort's sentence is up to 7.5 years.  That's not bad.  I said to my parents, What did the general say to the soldiers at the Alamo.  And after five minutes of coaxing, I finally got my dad to say What?  And I went Man A Fort!  Total silence.  If I was seven years old you'd love that joke!  Oh, to be seven years old again.  You'd almost be alive as long as Manafort will be in prison!  Also, I sure hope his fellow white collar criminals bully him in prison by calling him Manafart.  That would make it all worthwhile in my opinion. 
    What exactly is the procedure for deciding if someone goes to a country club prison vs a real prison.  Obviously we know some kid getting arrested for dealing crack isn't going to a country club prison, and that someone like Manafort is.  But what's the actual structural determinations that justify the discrepancy?  I'd look into it, but I don't care enough!  Dealing crack?  Crack deals itself!  You're more of a bystander than anything.  That's my interpretation of things.  What crappy paragraph are we crappening right now.  Sixth.  Wonderful, just wonderful.  One weird part about reading the Kevin Hart book is for whatever reason, the parts about his childhood feel like a different era, but then when he's still young and making his name in comedy he talks about a DVD collection.  And I realize, oh this wasn't that long ago.  So, great, wonderful.
    Turns out my Dad needs hip replacement surgery.  At first it was scary, but then I realized, life will continue on as it has been.  It's scary, obviously because I care about my Dad and want him to be healthy and enjoy life, but also, I'm pretty dependent upon my parents to live.  But, I realized, I think if I needed to, I could take care of myself.  I'm sane enough, I got a college degree, I have more of a work ethic than I did when I was a kid.  If I was thrust into a situation I could no longer rely on my parents for food, money, housing, driving me to doctor's appointments-- I'd be able to make that leap and figure it out.  That's how I feel about things.  I could always try stand up comedy and fail at that.  That probably pays off to some extent, right?
    I don't know.  At first I was pissed off about Nancy Pelosi more or less taking impeachment off the table, but then I realized-- she got everyone to start talking about impeachment.  Maybe it's a brilliant political move.  Now impeachment is, briefly at least, part of the conversation, no one can say she's the driving force and doing it for politically motivated reasons, and it has more of a grassroots feel to boot.  Maybe she's a genius!  Or maybe she just likes all the money she fundraises as long as Trump is president.  Either way, eh what are ya gonna do.  Anyway.  Turns out people on Fox News are racist and liars.  I, for one, am shocked and awed.  Gonna try to make that expression replace, "Shocked and appalled."  From now on, it's, "Shocked and Awed!"  The point is I derive a lot of confidence and feelings of self worth based on how quickly I can do the New York Times mini-crossword each day.
    I like how the mini-crossword, and presumably the full fledged crossword, has words that are relevant to the times they represent.  It'll be stuff that's related to the news or culture or whatever.  It's good because it's a test of intelligence, and it makes you think about current events!  Wonderful.  This entry hasn't been the best entry so far, but then again, eh what can ya do.  Not a lot, that's the problem.  OH I was asking the imagined audience, not myself.  Carry on, then.  What else.  All you need to know about my life is that I spent 15 minutes yesterday googling most popular gum flavors and put a lot of stock into the results I found.  That sums up where I've been at the last year or so.  I wonder what the ranking of popular gum flavors are for people, and whether I should incorporate those findings into what gum flavors I should give a shot.
    It's kind of weird to watch commercials in the era of Bernie Sanders and AOC, etc.  It's basically being reminded 1/3rd of the time you're watching TV, Just remember!  Our country is still a capitalist enterprise putting millions and millions of dollars into bullshitting you about our crappy products and services!  But, be sure, we don't want to offend your newfound sensibilities!  We'll still be here when you're hopefully done considering the negative implications of our bullshit!  Gotta be tough for them to find the right tone for their commercials to adjust, right?  I don't know, what else is going on.  I realized that spending the last couple of months noodling around with my mandolin as opposed to my acoustic guitar has done wonders for my self esteem.  This piece of crap is half the size of the acoustic guitar!  Suddenly I'm a giant and able to move around the fretboard willy-nilly because everything's closer together!  I don't know, something like that.
    11th paragraph already?  Great, just great.  What do I got for dinner tonight.  Second half of a Steak & Seafood combination dinner.  Living it up!  Only the finest for me.  I don't know if it's just me, but in this era of actually taking climate change and the environment and not being wasteful seriously, I honestly do consciously think when I'm taking a shower-- better wrap this up now that I'm done getting clean, or, gonna avoid using plastic this time around, I don't need it, or, some third example.  I don't know, something about not wasting food?  You figure it out.  I'm not patting myself on the back-- I'm still as bad for the environment as the average American.  But I may be reducing my carbon footprint by, I don't know, 10% these days?  Hopefully other people are feeling the same way I have.  Also, these small changes don't make me feel good about myself.  I still feel, I WANNA USE MORE HOT WATER EVEN THOUGH I DON'T NEED IT, FUCK YOU ALL, THIS SHIT SUCKS, but I still find a way to limit myself.  But, trust me, it's no fun!
    Hmm.  Wintergreen gum.  What the Hell, you only live once!  What the Hell does Wintergreen mean.  Tastes like winter.  Combined with green.  Eh, people'll figure it out!  A season + a color [other than orange] means absolutely nothing regarding flavor.  Did I refer to cum as, "Penis Droppings," before?  Anyway.  Wintergreen cum.  Now there's a product people'll support.  Gum rhymes with cum.  That's why that's a thing.  Anyway what in the world of sports is going on.  I've been going to sleep really early most nights.  For a long time, since I've been out of school and have nothing to wake up for, I was falling asleep around 12:30, 1:00.  Then it became 12:00 or 12:30.  Then it became 11:30, 12:00.  Now it's down to even falling asleep in the 10 o' clock hour sometimes.  Such is life!  Hilarious riff, man.  You've got it.
    That's a good catchphrase for my stand up career.  Say some joke about my life, and then I smile, shake my head, and confidently and aw-shucks-like, "Such Is Life!"  People won't be able to get enough of it.  People'll stop me in the street, Such Is Life!  And I'll go this guy gets it!  And I'll feel content and satisfied with my myself inside.  That's a good direction for my life to go.  It's good to have reasonable goals and plans.  Like my Such Is Life plan.  Something both achievable and also worth striving toward.  I don't know, what else is going on.  Ricky Gervais' new show was amazing.  Ya'll could figure that out on your own.
    I don't know.  I feel like eating more snacks has been good for my metabolism.  I, of course, am basing this on absolutely nothing, but having two snacks between lunch and dinner, as opposed to one, it just feels like it keeps my metabolism going a little bit better.  What else.  How is there not a pill that just speeds up your metabolism?  With all the crap that different pills and medications can do for your body, how have they not cracked that code yet?  That's one motivation to not bother dieting.  This magic pill has got to be on the horizon, right?  So why put yourself through the trouble now, in five years you take the pill, and you didn't sacrifice a damn thing.  Sure your body still suffers from malnutrition, but in the end, your appearance doesn't suffer!  That's the American way!
    What else is wide world of sports.  My Dad should be fine, though.  All things considered, there's worse things your body can go through than getting a hip replacement.  That's my takeaway these days.  Pointing at a square guy-- this fella could use a HIP replacement right?  Right?  How come no one's laughing?  And now you're booing?  Oh I'm sorry John Lewis, I didn't realize it was you.  Had to think of a respected older gentleman who people wouldn't like you mocking for being square.  First name that came to mind.  Hmm I think I'll have a piece of gum.  Consequences be damned!  Every pack of gum has a plastic covering you gotta rip off.  Gotta cut back on the gum if you wanna cut back on the plastic!  That's how we all have to live our life from now on.  What do you mean personal discretion in your purchases and habits don't make nearly as much of a difference towards the environment as what big companies can do?  That sounds like bullshit.  How dare you with that bullshit.
    I don't know, some crap like that.  Is it possible science can get to a point where we reverse climate change?  Obviously, a lot of the damage will have been done by that point, but wouldn't that be nice?  Let's just continue burning oil and fantasize about a future where science will save us without us having to take accountability for our Earth-destroying actions and habits.  Anyway, jeez, I don't know.  Not sure what to do once weed is legalized.  Part of Jeff Tweedy's book, he talks about how addictions never really go away-- you can go through long, long periods of time where you don't indulge, but it's still there.  I realize marijuana is not chemically addictive, but I was unable to stop myself from overusing it for a period of a few years, so it's something worth fretboarding about.  Fretting about, added board... yeah I know we're all bored good one.  What are you, seven years old? 
    Sure.  17th paragraph.  What A Snooze.  Cool!  I'm really happy with the tone I picked for my cellphone alarm clock.  I feel like, in the past, when I've used it here and there, I wake up, and this little tune pisses me the fuck off.  I get up just to turn that crap off!  Now, I wake up, hmm this is nice.  I'm having fun with this tune!  The day is full of brightness and possibilities!  Such.  Is.  Life!  It's always a shock to find out baseball players I've never seen, like prospects and stuff, turn out to be a different race than I imagined them.  I thought they were black, turn out to be white.  Thought they were white, turn out to be Latino.  Thought they were a John Lewis, turned out to be a Jeff Tweedy.  Shock might be overselling it.  Find it mildly interesting.
    Anyway.  This rich people using bribes to get their kids into college thing got me thinking about my own college experience.  I realized, I have a degree in English, and I don't know shit about English.  I don't know any Shakespeare.  I don't know any Chaucer.  Looking back, even the supposedly most intensive, highest level classes, were more or less what you'd expect from an introductory level class.  Very, very basic stuff.  It was a breeze.  That's not tooting my own horn or anything-- it's just true.  I got a degree in something-- from a decent, well respected college-- and I am absolutely nowhere near being an expert in my field.  It's nice, though.  Sometimes I'll just randomly think, Hey I have a college degree.  That's cool.  Done with that bullshit for a while, now. 
    I feel bad for the kids in this college acceptance scandal, though.  It's 1000% worse for the kids who should have been accepted and weren't.  But for the kids of rich people who aren't qualified and don't really wanna go to college and do anyway-- I was barely qualified!  I didn't really wanna go to college at first!  But I figured it out somewhere down the line!  Definitely, though, the main story is the kids who get passed over for these jerks.  Those who work hard and want to learn and would make the most of a good education and a degree from a good college.  But I do feel empathy for the kids caught up in this.  Cause they're gonna be facing a lot of bullshit from people for thinking and behaving how most, or at least a lot of, kids think.  This paragraph has been brought to you by White Privilege.    
    I wanna do the bare minimum to get ahead, too!  At least I did at their age.  Now I wanna do the next-to-bare minimum.  The just-above-bare minimum.  I'll bump my effort and drive up a little bit, I don't wanna be the least driven person in the world.  So the point is stick with it!  After ten years, you'll feel comfortable doing not quite the bare minimum!  I have no sympathy for the parents, though.  They're assholes on many different levels.  What paragraph are we into these days.  20th.  I guess aiming for 30 seems about right.  These days.  Huh?
    Hmm.  Then again, these kids still have it easy.  They will be just fine in life regardless.  That's more than most people can say.  But, for the moment, socially at least, it's gotta suck.  Maybe it'll provide the kick in the pants they need.  That's my comedic take on this news story.  When it broke, having been reading Kevin Hart and seeing Patton Oswalt and consuming all sorts of other comedy, I was like alright new story, time to flex my comedy muscles, gonna have a unique joke about this, really get my brand out there!  Then I just spent several paragraphs talking about empathy and not making one wise crack.  Professional Comedy, that's me.
    Anyway.  I have a brand?  Yeah-- what do you think Such Is Life is?  I'm the such is life guy!  More like SUCK... is... you.  Well, can't argue with that logic.  Mostly because it doesn't qualify as logic.  Also, because I said it myself, and I'm not about to get into an argument with myself that I can't win.  It'll just be me going around in circles until I decide I'm not worth the effort.  You know-- how Pelosi feels about Trump.  That's how I feel about myself.  Pretty sure my next book to read will be the Kids In The Hall book.  So I got that to look forward to.  I'm gonna have an oatmeal raisin cookie.  It's high in fiber you jerks.  What else.  Let's get back into goof-em-ups, right?  Everyone loves a good goof-em-up.  Kevin Hart book and Jeff Tweedy book have a lot in common.  Both are relatable, funny, and inspiring.  How dare them for knocking all those qualities out of the park.  Where do they get off.
    Remember that time I got on the bus and the bus driver went WHERE DO YOU GET OFF.  Not sure why you would remember it.  It was me that never actually happened to.  Bus drivers don't need to know where you get off.  It has no impact on their ability to do their job, and they'll find out when you actually do get off, anyway.  So I found the whole episode that never happened to be completely unprofessional.  23rd paragraph.  That means seven to go after this one.  Let's get to it.  I got a crazy idea.  What if I stopped after 25 paragraphs?  Get out of here with that bullshit.  That's doing the bare minimum!  I don't play that crap no more!  If I say I'm gonna write 30 paragraphs, I'm gonna write 30 shitty paragraphs!
    Wonderful.  Life is such.  I split a pot in poker I should have won.  Fuck this Such Is Life bullshit.  Life is Such a Bullshit.  Where do I get off playing shit cool when shit like this happens.  Fuckin had the best hand, he rivers the same hand I have, this motherfucker has my money.  Give it back.  You know, something like that.  That's how life goes these days I guess.  I'm gonna finish this entry after the next paragraph.  Last few paragraphs have been a real snooze.  What kind of crap do I have lined up for my future.  Not a lot.  Neither immediate future, semi-immediate future, or long term.  Nothing for tonight.  Nothing for the next few weeks.  Nothing for the next few years.  Absolutely nothing.  Sounds like a lot of fun.
    Cool.  I still have to finish this beer.  That's something.  I guess.  There's cigarettes to be smoked.  Gum to be chewed.  Cryptocyrocurrency to produce and trade and invest.  Great I just tripled up.  Now I have a lot of money.  Just my... wait this is a good thing.  Life is worth living again!  Still don't feel good about this mediocre bullshit of an entry, though, that remains unchanged.  The amount I have now, I would withdraw an even 200 dollars instead of 175!  That'll make my parents realize I got life figured out!  25 extra dollars?  After only losing 500 dollars over the last three years?  This kid is going places!  You know, crap like that.  I don't know, maybe that triple up will provide me a second wind?  Get this entry finished the way it aught to be?  Let's try to ride that wave.
    Aught?  Ought?  ...Says they're both words.  Who can figure that riddle out.  Aught ought to mean anything and ought should mean aught.  Internet definitions have led me to believe that sentence makes sense.  See-- English Degree.  Knocking some English out of the park.  With a little help from my trusty friend Internet.  26th paragraph.  Hmm this wintergreen gum is pretty good.  You can really taste the winter!  The green is a little understated, a little subtle, but it really plays with the winter well and it provides a singular sensation you'd be hard pressed to find in anymore than maybe a dozen other different flavors.
    Did anyone else find it odd growing up that you can blow bubbles with non-bubble gum?  Just not as big bubbles?  Kinda makes you wonder, what's the big difference, I can blow as many bubbles as I want anyway.  May not be as big as I'd like, but is blowing bigger bubbles really worth it?  Also, what's the consensus on chewing one piece of gum at a time vs. two.  I have a suspision that there's an extremely relevant portion of the population that will regularly chew two (or more!) pieces at a time without thinking.  My trick is, if it's a prime time to be chewing gum, like on my walk after dinner, I'll start off with one piece.  After five minutes, as it starts to lose its flavor but its not gone completely, then comes a second piece as a reinforcement.  So I maximize flavor time and get to chew two pieces at the same time for most of the duration.
    Who the Hell realized people would like gum.  Some scientist goes to his Igor, here, chew this for some reason.  What is it?  It's gum.  Just chew on it for a while.  Why?  I can add flavors later, just see if it's fun to chew!  I guess the Igor probably didn't exist.  Some creep scientist was just like, Hmm, gum.  I'd like to chew on that-- but how could I make it socially acceptable?  That's it-- add flavors!  Of course!  AAnd then Igor shows up and goes what flavors?  Scientist goes Hah!  What flavors?  We'll make up our own flavors!  Wintergreen!  Internet tells me Wintergreen is a kind of tree but I refuse to acknowledge that.  It pokes too many holes all over this entry, so I will just continue to operate under the assumption that people made up that flavor and named it arbitrarily.  Tree?  Pish posh!
    Penultimate paragraph.  Figure I'll eat dinner in about two hours.  I got that going for me and whatnot.  I'm confused on the ettiqute of spitting out chewed gum.  On the one hand, I feel like it's socially acceptable.  You spit out gum on the sidewalk, I don't think anyone's gonna be like what the Hell are you doing?!  But, also, the gum is just gonna stay there.  And harden.  And then become one with the sidewalk.  You're littering to a signficant extent.  I guess it's one of those things where society still needs to catch up with the negative environmental implications of our actions.  You know, like the stuff I was talking about 20 paragraphs ago?  Sure I figure out a way to tie things together, I'm an English Major god damnit! 
    Cool.  One might even say cool as Winter.  And even add, "Green," to it, arbitrarily.  Hey it's Spring in a week.  Hah.  Winter.  You thought you were so cool.  And now it's not even going to be you anymore.  How the mighty have fallen.  Well, I've got funny, relatable, and inspiring books to read.  I should be able to ride that wave for the next week or so.  Then find some new books!  Really English Major it up, so to speak.  What with reading tell-all best sellers written by celebrities-- you know-- high art?  That's the kind of stuff we English Majors consume our time with.  Anyway.  Real D+ entry today.  Real.  D.  +.  Still, better than nothing!  Prove me wrong!  See ya later.

-4:54 P.M.  
     

Friday, March 8, 2019

I'll Always Remember This Title Fondly

        Is that good grammar?  Sorry-- Is that well grammar?  Anyway hey what's happening.  Turns out justice doesn't exist re: Paul Manafort.  At first his light sentence pissed me off, but then I realized, fuck this guy, let him live the rest of his shitty life outside of jail, who cares.  As long as we have a criminal president-- with documented crimes-- which everyone knows about-- and no one does a damn thing, who really cares about Paul Manafort's shitty golden years.  Kinda dwarfs all other matters of justice.  The point is I'm living my best life because my days always start off with something sweet, be it chocolate chip pancakes, French toast, waffles, pop tarts-- I get a large iced coffee and a vitamin water zero to drink to last me up until mid-afternoon-- and well that's about it.  So I take solace in the fact that there's no vitamin water zeroes where Manafort's gonna be living for 4 years!  Unless there's a commissary.  Then we're screwed.  Although it's safe to assume Manafort has no interest in vitamin water zero, considering it a peasant's drink.  That's what I'm talking about when I say he's got a shitty end-of-life ahead of him.  Never even knowing the joys of sports drinks and sports drinks marketed as health drinks.
    Aren't all sports drinks marketed as health drinks.  In terms of this will help you do sports!  I guess they are.  I was thinking about people who are anti-immigration and are either not racist, or more likely, not conscious of their own racism, and struggle to imagine their thought process.  There's a new person here!  Oh no!  This will negatively effect my life somehow!  And they might even have children.  How horrible!  Don't get it.  Also, the trope that they're taking our jobs doesn't make sense.  First of all, sure people use that talking point, but now that I think about it, I've never heard Donald Trump say it when he talks about immigration.  Maybe he does here and there, but it's usually they're criminals, they're bringing drugs, gangs, they're gonna rape your family, terrorists, etc.  Doesn't even bother to pretend they're gonna take your job.  Also, obviously, they're not gonna take your job.  They're gonna do jobs you don't wanna do.  Also, isn't unemployment crazy low these days?  You have a job!  What do you thinks gonna happen, they're gonna fire you and replace you with an immigrant?  Never gonna happen!  Your employer is probably as racist as you are and has no incentive to do that!
    Anyway.  I was thinking about Cain and Abel, and whoever wrote the bible (God?) was really fucked up.  It only took getting to the second make believe story when the author was like well it's time to introduce murder into the mix.  Only took humans 2 generations-- the third or fourth person ever-- to decide you know what, murdering my brother seems like a good idea.  What does that say about the writer's impression of who we are as people?  Maybe the point was you need God or else you'll be so devoid of humanity you'll be fine with murdering people.  But Cain had God.  Way more than we do!  God talked to him all the time.  Still didn't stop him from murdering.  If anything, it's an indictment of God.  When God's your best friend, makes you wanna murder people!  Now that I think about it, that sentence does sort of sum up much of organized religion throughout history.  So it does seem kind of insightful.  Also-- don't eat apples!  But I thought they were healthy.  Yup-- they will give you super powers-- but don't eat 'em!  Then why did you make them in the first place.  I don't have to explain myself to you!
    The point is I got frozen pizza that tastes great for lunch.  Just try and stop me from eating frozen pizza!  I hope this frozen pizza gives me super powers.  Probably not, though-- no higher power ever told me to lay off the frozen pizzas.  If they were special, someone would have warned me not to indulge.  I bet in the future people will consider Christianity, Judaism, etc in the same way we think of comic books now.  There's the Marvel universe, there's the DC Universe, there's the Judeo-Christian universe.  Is the Koran considered canon?  Big debate over that one.  Anyway.  About 2/3rds into Jeff Tweedy book now.  Talks a lot about song writing and it makes me wanna get back into it.  Unfortunately, I'm either un-clinically extremely lazy or lightly suffer from some sort of ADD where it's hard for me to start a new project.  My Doctor has prescribed me with Ritalin for the last few years, but I'm not sure if that means I legitimately have ADD or I just felt like I wanted Ritalin at some point and convinced him to start giving me some.
    How come God never talks about himself in the bible?  It's all you humans do this, you humans do that.  No one ever went hey what's it like to be God?  Looks like you can use a friend.  And God is like man it's lonely.  No other Gods... as far as you know.  Whoops I said too much.  See, this is why I don't open up to people!  The point is God is apparently some kind of sick control freak with anti-social tendencies and an appetite for revenge and causing suffering.  Well, this entry has been a laugh riot so far.  Anyway.  What paragraph are we into.  I'm gonna guess 5.  I was right!  I saw a summary of a clip of Donald Trump on Howard Stern a decade ago where Stern asks Trump 17 x 6 and Trump couldn't figure it out and apparently insisted his wrong answer was correct.  So, naturally, I decided to see how quickly I could figure out 17 x 6.  Took about 10 seconds.  Hmm, 17 x 3... 17 x 2 is 34, + 17, 51, times 2, 102.  Then later I realized an even easier way of doing it!  6 x 10 is 60, 6 x 7 is 42, 102.  The point is I'm an even stabler genuiser! 
    Imagine the mental illness to insist that your wrong answer in math is correct.  There's no room for interpretation.  There's no way you get to make up your own math.  It's insane.  Anyway.  I started doing sit ups with the idea that it might reduce my belly fat, but it turns out, maybe it does, but it also increases the mass around my belly-- probably muscle mass.  So my belly may even be slightly bigger now compared to 2 months ago.  And, even if it's muscle, still not what I wanted.  Still gonna do sit-ups though!  I'm pot committed at this point.  I like how criticizing Israel's current government is anti-Semitic, but considering Christianity as the one and only true religion and all others are inferior and must be discouraged is A-okay.  It's almost like they don't know what anti-Semitism is.  Well, it's more like they do know what anti-Semitism is, and are, "gaslighting" us.  I learned that term a few months ago.  I don't like it.  I feel like tricking us into using the phrase, "gaslighting," is in and of itself gaslighting us.  I ain't buying into your new word bullshit!  Also, gaslighting sounds dangerous.  Wouldn't that cause an explosion? 
    I guess it depends on the gas.  Oh well.  What else is going on.  Seventh paragraph.  Morning entry today!  Going great, just great.  Anyway, now that I have some more perspective, I realize the pilot I was working on a few months ago was going nowhere.  And the movie idea I was working on a few weeks ago was going nowhere.  And the life I've been living for the past 30 years has been going nowhere.  Oh well, such is life.  Oh man, when I die, God is gonna be pissed about this entry!  Hey, man... read your blog post about me.  Whassup with that?  Look, I'm all forgiving, but still-- you're a jerk.  Purgatory for 4 million years!  Anyway, that's the good part about Manafort getting an extremely light prison sentence.  It'll encourage him to feel no remorse and never take responsibility for his sins, which he might have been forced to do if he spent the rest of his life in jail-- so now he's going to Hell!  So that's fun.
    At this point, using the phrase Go to Hell is more passive-aggressive than anything, but that's a fucked up thing to wish on someone.  You pissing me off slightly makes me wish you suffer for all of eternity.  Not like saying Go fuck yourself.  Now that sounds fun!  I'd be happy to do that!  Unless it's Go fuck yourself for all of eternity.  That sounds like it would get tedious and probably very painful after the first two or three times.  Assuming we don't get breaks.  Anyway, what the what, midway through the eighth paragraph.  Doing pretty good in poker.  Up about 200 dollars from what I deposited a few weeks ago.  We'll see how long that lasts.  Also, the only way to withdraw money is through bitcoin.  It's probably safe-- it is a pretty big thing-- but I still don't like it.
    I like how by the time Manafort gets out, there's a chance Trump will still be president, so he can just go back to committing crimes for him.  There's some perspective for ya.  A lot of Manafort's crimes weren't for Trump.  But some probably were, right?  I feel like most of his crimes, based on the very little I know, were for himself, though.  Mutually beneficial, possibly, lets say.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Here comes the story of the Manafort.  His time in jail sure will be short.  For things he unremorsefully did, his ill gotten money was hid, but now he pays the price, after four years he'll have an extravagant and easy rest of his life.  I don't know, something like that.
    10th paragraph!  That's right-- there's more paragraphs now that Donald Trump can count to!  He only ever made it as far as 9.  After that, there's two digits, who can figure that riddle out.  Figure I'll have lunch in about two hours.  I had the very rare snack in-between breakfast and lunch today.  Hardly ever happens.  I'm comfortable with my dietary choices, though.  No remorse here!  Lotta talk about remorse this entry.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Started smoking Parliaments again.  It'd been years since I got those.  I like it!  It's like a cigarette but you hardly taste anything so it's all lunch cancer without any of the reward!  That'll teach my lungs whose boss.  I like the show Who's The Boss?  My guess is either the executive producer or maybe the liaison with the studio.  That's my impression of how things work.
    Anyway.  If we outlaw financial crimes that amount to treason, then only outlaws will commit financial crimes that amount to treason!  The only way to stop an outlaw committing financial crimes that amount to treason is a good guy committing financial crimes that amount to treason.  That's my takeaway from this episode.  Oh well.  There is a small chance that, if people remember this episode, there might be judges across the country who think well this asshole got only four years, maybe I won't be so hard on this poor guy who committed some relatively harmless crime and give him a more of a light sentence than I would have in the past, too.  I'm not saying the majority of judges will act that way.  But isn't there a chance that it'll effect 5% of judges?  And have an influence in maybe 5% of the cases they decide?  So maybe, in a small way, it'll pay off somehow.  I have to entertain that thought to keep from going insane.
    Or maybe it goes the other way and just reinforces the differences in consequences between white/wealthy criminals and minority/poor criminals.  Judges see this as a benchmark and just follow it.  It could go that way, too!  Now that I think about it, that seems more likely.  Hey we can really get away with being overt about our prejudices and politics!  Even more than I thought we could!  Who knew!  What the fruck.  Anyway, what else is going on.  12th paragraph!  Anyway.  Instead of fretting over this supposed anti-Semitism conflict within the Democratic party, and worrying and speculating about how its tearing the party about, let's just have a dialogue about the substance of where people are disagreeing?  Try to remove emotion from it and have an informed and honest discussion about where you're coming from.  Turn it into a good thing.  Nah that could never happen, what am I thinking.
    I don't know.  I also don't get the debate over Democrats not hosting a primary debate on Fox News.  Fox News is not a news organization.  It's viewers have no interest in supporting Democrats, and Fox News has no interest in encouraging them to think about supporting any Democrat.  What's the debate?  Anyway.  Lunch in about an hour 45 minutes.  The question at this point is will I finish the entry before then, or write a few more paragraphs afterwards.  Right now I have no idea.  Well, I have some idea.  I know it will be one of those two things.  That's a pretty good idea, having narrowed it down to only two options.  Wonderful. I'm a man of ideas!  Who knew.  Went to the bakery this morning.  Those jerks didn't have any black and whites, but they did have those cookies with the chocolate dot in the middle.  So it wasn't a total bust.
    What the what the what.  I had my brother take a picture of me so I could update my Facebook profile, and I hadn't realized that the direction I was combing (well, hand-combing.  No comb, just using my hand to brush it to that side) was the opposite of the way I always imagined it.  I know how mirrors work-- really, I do-- but every time I looked in the mirror and brushed the hair to one direction, I never put together that in real life, its the opposite direction.  Sorta blew my mind and I don't know how to feel about it.  The way my hair is cut, I have to put it to that direction-- putting it to the other direction wouldn't be analogous and look different.  But, still, I want the mirror image more!  Oh well, such is life I guess.
    Anyway.  I've had it up to here with The Talk!  They're not interested in having an honest discussion of the real issues.  They just pander to their audience!  So now my two hour block of watching CBS from 2-4 is no longer.  Still gonna watch Dr. Phil, though!  I always thought of Dr. Phil as a punch line who probably wasn't a real doctor and all that stuff.  But I like his show!  This guy gets it!  He's talking about the real issues in an honest way and never panders to his audience!  Someone give this guy a Nobel peace prize!  Pretty sure it's spelled, "Noble."  Wait, do you think it's called the Noble Peace Prize?  And they give it to people who are noble?  Yeah that's what I thought.  Me, the italics guy.  I'm a real person.
    So that paragraph happened.  Dr. Phil may not be extraordinarily noble, but he is, "No-Bull."  That's pretty much his whole persona, honestly.  Bull referring to bullshit.  Ever hear of that expression?  So that worked out.  Gonna have a double hot dog with 5 chicken nuggets for lunch.  Somehow you can buy Hebrew National hot dogs that are so low in fat, they're only 45 calories.  Put two of them with a 70 calorie slice of white bread, you get a low calorie double hot dog.  Just bought some frozen chicken nuggets that are really low calorie.  Haven't had them before, so we'll see how it turns out!  If I knew someone named Valerie, who had an eating disorder, I'd mock her by chanting Valerie counts calories!  You guys know anyone named Valerie?  Who has an eating disorder?  And deserves to be mocked for some reason?  What are the odds of hitting that trifecta.  Really low.  Still figured I'd put it out there, though.
    I have a question for black people.  If I said to you, Hey, what's up my N-word! would you (A) laugh, (B) beat me up, (C) none of the above, (D) all of the above.  Wasn't sure if I should put that, "joke," up.  Kinda implies that my subconscious wishes I could use the N-word [even in thinly veiled code], or I feel like I'm entitled to use it, or that I think it's some kind of joke.  So, with all those reservations, I just decided to use that joke as an opening up of a dialogue where I'm open about my unconscious tendencies towards conceptualizing race issues.  With all that introspection, though, it does kind of form an answer to the joke-question, though.  So it paid off in the long run.  Also, why would my mind go to, "Beat Me Up" instead of just saying, "Be truly offended?"  I guess I'll have to do some more thinking on it.
    18th paragraph.  How about that.  I like smoking Parliaments because it makes me feel like I'm part of some noble society having substantive debates and working for the people.  That's what a parliament is, right?  Now I'm part of that community.  By smoking the probably randomly named cigarettes.  So I got that going for me.  And you all thought I wouldn't amount to anything!  Well, the name of the cancer sticks I'm smoking tell a different story!  Wonderful.  Lunch in an hour and 15 minutes!  I'm wearing a new pair of pants for the first time in, what, I don't know, six months?  Literally wore the same pair of jeans for 6 months straight.  They might have been washed a couple of times, but I never missed a day.  Today, just put on a pair of what I believe are called khakis.  They're beige colored, which to me, implies khaki.  Apparently internet says khaki is the color, not a kind of pant.  Well, I'm glad I opened up this dialogue about pants and now we are all wiser because of it.
    19th paragraph-- lets aim for 25.  Seems about right.  Hey, I saw Patton Oswalt!  Nothing quite groundbreaking in his set, but I left the theater happy and having laughed a lot and just in a good mood.  That's my first experience seeing a professional straight-up comedian and it turns out it's a fun, light experience!  Whouda guessed!  Maybe I would have found it more groundbreaking if I too was 50 years old with a wife and kids and successful and rewarding career.  As opposed to the punk kid I am inside.  And outside.  And in-between inside and outside, one would imagine.  I also really liked me and my brothers seats.  We were literally in the last row, in the seats all the way most to the left, and it was on a balcony, so I felt like those two balcony Muppet Show guys!
    Wow.  Magical.  Anyway, six more paragraphs theoretically.  Well, I only felt like one of those two balcony Muppet Show guys.  There was no thought process in my brain where I was experiencing multiple personalities while watching the show and identified as two completely separate people.  Probably not, at least.  If I did, it didn't really register so much.  Anyway, no alcohol this entry!  I've found that usually makes the entries better, but sometimes promising myself alcohol in advance of entry makes it more appealing to actually sit down and write an entry.  And actually drinking during the entry does loosen my inhibitions a bit and makes it, maybe not a more enjoyable experience necessarily, but just a different kind of experience.
    Wow.  Magical.  Anyway, the guy I voted for NYC Public Advocate won!  I just went with the guy my Dad was voting for, based on the NYTimes recommendation and his Union endorsing him.  Figured that was easier than learning about any alternative.  Also, he was probably the front runner in a race with a dozen different viable candidates, but with only one Republican, so there was some thought put in to vote for the most likely Democrat just to make sure the Republican didn't win.  Also, I was vaguely familiar with him because he ran for Lieutenant Governor last year and seemed like a really good candidate based on whatever information I was paying attention to at the time.  Who can remember.  That was last year!  It's a new year!  Each year my memory is like the security tapes at convenience stores.  Just erase the last year to make room for taping the new year.  That way, if anybody robs my brain, I can save the tape, but otherwise, no wasted video cassettes.
    Wowmagical.  Four paragraphs to go!  And lunch is in 45 minutes!  It's gonna be a real race to the finish.  Almost always, maybe always, the entry starts taking longer and longer to write as it goes on.  That's probably intuitive to assume, but I guess it's not necessarily the case.  First paragraphs are easy, and then after a while each passing paragraph, for the most part, takes a little bit longer.  Obviously with micro-variations.  That's pretty much due to the nature of the content, I guess.  Being off the top-of-my-dome as it is.  Although lately, and by lately I mean a year or more, I do usually have a couple of save-em-ups, which usually show up early in the entry, which makes it go even quicker I guess.  Whatta fascinating paragraph.  You should write a book.  About something.  Not sure what.  Definitely not this, though.  That'd be a snoozefest.
    I guess.  I watched Roma.  Man that was a great movie.  Not a lot happened plot-wise [I assume-- was only half paying attention to the subtitles so I was kind of filling in the blanks myself-- and there weren't too many blanks-- in my opinion-- more hyphens!] but it was so well done and made ya think about lots of different things.  Mainly-- really?  Green Book?  That's where we're at?  I haven't seen it yet but unless it has a great soundtrack that grounds the movie's tone and plot, I'm not counting on it being anything special.  Alright looks like I'll pretty much finish this entry and then have lunch.  It's been a productive morning/early afternoon and I think I can feel good about that.
    That being said, more bullshit.  I've smoked tens of thousands of Newports, and never, not once since the first cigarette, has any purported port became new in any way.  The first one, was.  I'll give them that.  Since then it's been sameport, am I right, ladies?  Fellas?  Let's get the fellas in on this discussion too, not sure why I only asked ladies to begin with in the first place.  I saw New York is raising the smoking age to 21.  I have mixed feelings about this in terms of part of me doesn't give a shit and another part of me realizes it's a consequential action that will effect many people but I still don't really give a shit, either because it doesn't effect me, or I don't have a strong enough opinion one way or the other because I can see both sides of the argument.  The feelings are tearing me apart!
    Last paragraph!  We made it.  You and I, together.  What else is going on in the wide world of sports.  I don't know, you tell me.  It's all been me talking and you listening.  It's a real Man & God relationship we have!  In the sense that I'm A Man and You Don't Exist.  Anyway, what's up for the rest of the day.  Lots of bullshit, I guess.  I wonder what kind of news will break over the next week that'll piss me off enough to rant about in the next entry.  Will Republicans declare a national holiday honoring Trump?  Will something consequential happen that is concretely bad for people other than just pissing people off by reinforcing the cult of Trump indirectly or metaphorically?  That sounds worse!  Oh well, that can't happen, right?  Let's hope not!  I'll see ya later!

-1:30 P.M.                                
   
                     
 

Friday, March 1, 2019

Titles Be Worthwhile!

        I suppose.  A lot of poses for selfies are 'Sup?' poses.  Well, that crap that starts the entry on a road, a terrible terrible road.  Hey it's Friday!  The one question on everybody's mind for this entry is will I be able to maintain my progress in not capitalizing words or phrases incorrectly.  If I stick to putting them in bold instead, I may just be able to pull it off!  Went to my physician for a check up yesterday.  Everything's fine as far as I can tell.  There was the moment when the doctor started crying and said why would god let this happen to someone so young? and it was preceded by and followed up by a bunch of mumbo jumbo doctor jargon, didn't really register what was being said.  But I'm pretty sure I'm as healthy as a Trump!  That's a good phrase to catch on.  Healthy as a Trump.  Which means I am not healthy, but through the power of positive thinking, I will try to convince people and hopefully even my body that I am.  Also, I closed my eyes while they were checking my weight.  I'm no fool-- I don't wanna be upset that I'm a few pounds heavier than I wanna be!  Best to not know at all.  Kind of a healthy as a Trump way to approach my weight.
    Anyway.  Got a 24 oz can of beer to drink this afternoon a little bit later.  That'll shut 'em up!  Shut who up?  You know-- 'Em!  I find Em [E Minor] to be the most emotional chord.  Really.  It's just a happy coincidence that it's the first two letters of  emotional.  Sometimes the universe just works out sometimes.  I also find that A Minor is who I am.  Also, F#.  Sure is an F#.  Huh?  It's a music thing, you wouldn't understand!  Shows on Comedy Central have become my routine for late morning.  Wake up at around 8:15, 8:30.  Eat breakfast, play poker for an hour, take a walk, come back and have Comedy Central in the background for a few hours.  They show Futurama, That 70's Show, and lately, King of the Hill.  It truly is the best life one can possibly live.
    I find it odd that the protagonist's domicile isn't on top of a hill.  I've seen his house compared to his neighbor's house, and it's all on a steady level.  I know the phrase king of the hill means someone in charge or successful, but if you were actually calling yourself king of the hill, people would be like, what's this guy's problem, he thinks he's in charge of some hill?  Nobody is challenging that, hills are relatively unimportant and being king of a hill seems like a ceremonial title at best.  Plus, nobody ever agreed he was king of the hill, he's just saying it himself.  But who cares about some hill anyway really.  This guy is delusional about his purported authority and we better steer clear of him.
    Recorded a demo version of a new song, but it was very much not the best version I can do, so I'll have to redo it completely.  Most of the songs I've made the last period of times I was making songs (2014-2015) were just the first and only time I tried to make them, and they turned out more or less okay, but now my musical instincts this time around aren't as great.  So I might have to try doing the songs several times to get a version that's relatively passable.  So I got that going for me is the point.  Also, the new 8 Track Recorder I got has a bunch of guitar sounds and whatnot that sound good to me, and I have a hard time picking the best one for any given song.  It all sounds good, who can choose!  But I know deep down that there's one right way to do it, and all I can do is hope that my musical instincts help me pick that one intuitively.     
    Alright, I got a couple of mediocre save-em-ups to blow through quickly.  I was thinking about how expensive NYU was, between tuition and housing.  Checking online, now it's up to 33K per semester.  So you have to be smart to get into a really expensive college, and you have to be stupid to pay that much to go there.  Save em up.  A combination of a fairly jokingly tone and a comment on expensive colleges.  Good!  Another save-em-up.  I may have came close to this save-em-up in a previous entry, but now the insight is more fleshed out.  Christians adopting the cross to be their own symbol (after their savior was crucified on one) is not unlike black people re-appropriating the n-word.  In both cases, they take a symbol of their own oppression and make it into a symbol of their own autonomy/power.  Right?  That's an insight, right?  Sure, sure it is.  I know the comparison isn't 100% correct.  Using the n-word is more colloquial and I don't think black people would be comfortable with it being a sign of their identity to the world.  In fact, I kind of know they wouldn't be.  But the basic point is an insight-em-up!
    Another comment/joke/insight-em-up.  Dinosaurs partly went instinct because of climate change.  The asteroid that hit the Earth, possibly combined with lots of terrestrial stuff such as volcanoes (I think) and other stuff, changed the temperature of the world up to the point it caused mass extinction.  Now, our world's climate is changing.  Largely because we're burning dinosaurs.  Kinda seems like the perfect fitting revenge for dinosaurs.  We've all seen Jurassic Park, but who would have thought the dinosaurs would get the last laugh in real life?  Insight-em-up!  Two more insight-em-ups.  One to finish this paragraph, one to start the next one.  I was thinking about my sanity, especially in regards to my project that is crazy-sheet.  What with the cocktail of medications I'm on, I'm actually insanely sane.  In fact, I'm the sanest guy I know.  Granted, I'm the only guy I know.  I had that tag saved up!  Insight-em-up!
    Anyway.  I kind of like the very crowded field of Democratic candidates for 2020.  For the most part, every candidate has some sort of redeeming quality, and they form a super-team of different policy, character, and social ideals that we should strive for.  Everyone brings something specific to the table, and when you combine them all, we got a lot of interesting bases covered that makes ya feel good about the future.  Also, it's worth noting, the people who don't get to be president still have a future in politics.  It's not like they're just gonna go away.  So we all gotta realize we're gonna be working together for a long, long time.  So let's try to see things positively like that, right?  I'm not saying everyone's perfect.  I'm not even saying everyone's good outweighs their bad.  But I am saying we should try to encourage and appreciate the best each person has to offer.  Now that's what I call an insight-em-up.
    Think that's all the things I had saved-em-upped.  Thinking about that narrative, it's intuitive to think that the candidate that convinces voters I Am The Best Candidate To Bring The Party Together! might have a winning message.  But, in my opinion, the narrative of I Will Represent The Absolute Best This Party/Country Has To Offer, And Am Most Qualified To Lead The Way! is even better.  Well, I just figured out the next year and a half in Democratic Politics.  That's a relief.  Now we can get to what really matters-- other stuff.  What else is going on.  What paragraph are we into.  Eighth.  How about that.  And we're a sentence or two away from the ninth!  Even better!  Gonna eat lunch in an hour.  Drink a the smallest amount of moderate amount of beer that can be after that.  Seeing Patton Oswalt on Sunday.  That's my weekend.
    Wonderful!  Finally, my smallest shirts fit me once again.  It's like a homecoming.  A clothing homecoming.  What exactly is a homecoming, really.  When you come home.  Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.  So it turns out Trump is a criminal and we have proof and what are we waiting for let's impeach him.  I'm relatively fine with Mike Pence for a year and a half.  Sure, he's probably committed criminal offenses too, mostly probably as an accessory, but I don't see a universe where Nancy Pelosi becomes president.  So the point is lets live with Mike Pence for a year and a half.  What else is going on.
    Tenth paragraph!  Got some money on poker.  In fact, I'm up 70 dollars from the amount I recently deposited!  Which means I'm only down roughly 500 dollars over the past two or three years!  Alright, I'm gonna take a break.  Will resume after lunch.  See ya soon!    

    Hey I'm back!  This still counts as the 10th paragraph, though!  That's the important part.  Pretty much aiming for 20 paragraphs, I guess, at this point.  Let's get into some goofballs and shenanigans.  Uppin' my Vitamin Water Zero game.  Get a clean 7 of them from the supermarket now.  Supermarket is gotten every week.  I got a whole vitamin water zero every day of the week.  The point is its good to be king of the hill.  Jack and Jill went up the hill.  Jill became queen of the hill.  Jack went tumbling after.  What else is going on.  Were Jack and Jill attracted to each other because both their names started with, "J?"  Is this a, "Call Me By Your Name," scenario?  Note-- I never saw that movie and am just guessing as to its meaning. 
    Started a new note pad the last week or two.  Of course I carry around a pocket notebook everywhere I go, and the last one was started about a year ago, and was only about 75% full, but it was starting to come apart so rather than have it come apart completely over the next few months, I just started a new one!  Alright!  Approximately 60% of the notes are short phrases which can be song titles.  Or, at the very least, lyrics.  They don't rhyme-- yet!  But my musical instincts will take care of that problem.  Sometimes I think about how lucky I am to have settled on an artist title, The Uppers, for the last few years and the immediate forseeable future.  So much wasted man hours for people trying to come up with a band name.  It consumes so many musicians, taking up their time and driving them mad.  Not me!  I've settled for a mediocre title and it feels great!
    Although, to be honest, starting a new round of music, I have been thinking, Yeah, that was a good artist title for a few years-- maybe it's time I adapt a new musical persona artist title thing.  We'll see how that goes.  It will drive me mad trying to come up with one, though.  So that's the negative part of that whole deal.  I could just resort to Michael Kornblum.  Man, if I had a nickel every time I heard that.  I was thinking it should be a thing where, instead of rolling up quarters and other coins to take to the bank, just put 'em all in a shopping bag and drop it off at some homeless shelter or charity or something.  You get to save time, you get to give charity, and they're presumably happy to have it, and now its their problem to roll 'em up.  I don't know where any homeless shelters are, though.  So there goes that idea!
    You could just go out looking for a homeless guy and give him a bag of quarters.  I like the idea that they would be spread out over a larger population of people, though.  You give a homeless guy 200 quarters, he's just gonna go, Finally!  Arcade, here I come!  I'm gonna play Cruisin' USA for two weeks straight!  And that's good for the arcade, and for the guy playing Cruisin' USA or NFL Blitz for two weeks, but it doesn't really solve any societal or personal problems.  The point is you can't trust the impoverished to not spend all their money on video games.  Also, sure my arcade game references are two decades old.  Because that was the last time I was in an arcade.  I don't know what kind of crazy video games they have now.
    Anyway.  In an ideal world, it would also be a thing where you can give all your receipts accumulated from years of iced coffee to a homeless shelter, and let them itemize it.  Not sure how that would benefit anyone, though.  They can distribute the receipts to homeless people and have them each fill out a survey online and get a free donut with purchase of something else!  The only negative thing is they can't afford something else.  But at least they get to fill out surveys!  That'll help re-acclimate them into society and give them valuable consumer survey taking skills that will help them get jobs potentially.
    So, sure, there's that.  15th paragraph.  If we're going with multiples of fives, 25 paragraphs is somewhat possible.  Great!  Figure I'm about a month away from maintenance diet.  Man, I'm gonna eat so many small healthy snacks.  No more one snack between lunch and dinner, and one after dinner!  We're talking two snacks between lunch and dinner!  And one slightly larger snack after dinner!  No more, I wanna eat a banana but not enough time has passed from lunch to dinner.  I'm just gonna go, you know what?  Been half an hour since lunch-- I'M GONNA HAVE A BANANA.  I CAN HAVE A FIBER ONE BAR IN TWO HOURS ANYWAY! HAHAHAHAH!  The point is snacks will drive me mad but it'll be worth it in the end because I'll... well... trust me, it pays off somehow.
    Jeez.  I want to start a search engine called AskJeez and after a search it just shows the message Meh.  You don't wanna know about that.  Then you type in another thing and it goes Nah, that's a waste of time, too.  Then you type in another query and it goes Haven't you gotten the idea yet, nothing on the internet matters!  Unless you have a 3-d printer.  Then you can make it matter!  Not 100% sure what a 3-d printer is.  But pretty sure it makes computer things matter.  The only negative thing is they don't have energy flavored vitamin water at the supermarket.  Gonna write a strongly worded letter to someone about that.  And by strongly worded, I mean it will have a robust vocabulary.  It'll be very respectful, though.
    Hey I'm pretty sure Trump is a racist.  Word.  I said, I'm pretty sure Trump is a racist!  WORD!  There we go, strongly worded.  I don't trust the internet on a lot of things, but when I read on the internet that pancakes are more or less the same amount of calories whether they're plain, or have blueberries, or chocolate chips, I know for sure the internet has no credibility.  No difference with chocolate chips?  What kind of idiot do you take me for?  How dare you insult my intelligence with such a blatant lie.  I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to someone about this!
    18th paragraph.  What the what! Ended up not going to the anti-Trump rally a few weeks ago.  Lost my chance to visit the place I'd been doing open mics one last time before they changed ownership and presumably shut down the live music aspect of the place.  But I have been checking DoorDash five times a day to see if they added any new restaurants!  So my time hasn't been totally wasted.  I wonder if DoorDash is trying to subtly imply how cheap it is by calling to mind the scheme of dine-and-dash where you dine and then dash before paying for your dining.  Also, trying to capitalize on the popularity of doors.  Hmm, a food delivery place, I don't know.  Doors may be involved.  Now we're talking, alright, I'm sold!
    Okay.  Commercial idea for DoorDash-- montage of empty restaurants with This Is The End playing, and then at the end you see someone come to someone's front door with a delivery, and the delivery guy and the customer are both ecstatic, and then it shows the phrase This Isn't The End.  This Is Just The Beginning.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Maybe the delivery guy isn't ecstatic.  He's somewhat pleased and proud to be providing a valuable service, and the guy answering the door, he's ecstatic.  The delivery guy being ecstatic, not sure that'll play.  I don't want my delivery people to be too happy.  Something'll seem off.
    20th paragraph!  The point is sure I'm playing at higher stakes on poker than I should be what am I supposed to do play at lower stakes I'll get bored.  Playing at reasonable stakes, all it takes is one moment of might as well play at the next level stakes for half an hour, no damage done there.  Then, after that half hour, you go I can't go back to the lower stakes, I'll be bored!  One moment of weakness and it's impossible to go back.  There's a lesson in there but I'm too lazy to figure out what it is.  I know Bruno Mars wrote The Lazy Song but a lot of hard work and effort probably went into making it the best possible song it could be.  So the point is false advertising.  Which is pretty much 90% of advertising.  Not a lot of advertising that goes this is a mediocre product what are ya gonna do might as well buy it anyway.
    Hey 21st paragraph.  Aiming for 25.  Just try to stop me!  Actually, don't.  That would be scary especially considering you haven't even read it yet while I'm typing this!  Trying to eat and live healthy is at odds with me smoking cigarettes because I have to constantly come to terms with this can't be very healthy.  The difference between eating an apple instead of a cookie one time, as compared to just having one cigarette, the one cigarette has got to be 10x as bad for you as the cookie would be, right?  For every apple I eat, one cigarette does 10x the damage as I'm protecting myself from in diet.  Oh well, what can you do.  Cigarettes are a necessary part of me being an adult.  Prove me wrong!
    Hey 22nd paragraph now.  How about that.  I find it amusing that there are some places you can get on DoorDash that seem like they would have absolutely zero appeal.  Hooters.  Why get it delivered?  The point is to be around young, attractive women.  Chuck E. Cheeses.  Not exactly the highest quality pizza, why bother.  They even have Movie Munchies, which I think is, they just go to some movie theater, and you can order the candy or popcorn from the movie theater!  It's weird!  How is Hooters still in business these days.  Seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.  How are movie theaters still in business these days.  Doesn't Netflix own the rights to movies, now?  Not the right to show individual movies.  The right to movies in total.
    I don't know.  Who does know?  Some other guy, probably.  Also, how are ice cream stores still in business?  Carvel.  Seems like an extremely niche customer base.  It's only people, over the entire day, who want ice cream but don't want to go to the supermarket.  How many people want to go out for ice cream over a 24 hour period?  I don't know, something's fishy.  Pretty sure Carvels are all just money laundering operations, that'd be my guess.  I want to make a movie called Call Me By My Name and the first critic to have the entirety of their review be Well That Seems Appropriate wins a prize.  Maybe go for 30 paragraphs.  Still a multiple of five.
    Awesome!  Been drinking my 25oz beer over the 2nd phase of the entry.  Should be finished in a couple of paragraphs.  Perfect, just perfect.  Arcades must be terrible for the environment, what with all those tickets.  How many trees have you killed today?  Hope the Green New Deal addresses that.  I saw an article that said there's a small chance that, if we keep burning fossil fuels and whatnot, clouds will disappear and Earth will turn into a total Hellish wasteland where nothing can survive.  Gotta look at the glass-is-half-full, though.  No more clouds.  People with Seasonal Affective Disorder will be psyched!  Sure I know SAD probably doesn't have to do with clouds.  But clouds are metaphorically making people sad, it's a trope, look it up.  SAD is similar.  Get off my back about it, okay?
    Let's say 6 more paragraphs, let's go with that.  I would think clouds would make people happy.  They're like ephemeral pillows in the sky that keep us cool.  Who doesn't love that?  I don't think I meant the word ephemeral, but it sounds right, and, looking it up, it still makes sense in that context.  What word did I mean to use?  E-mail me at mankindguy@gmail.com and the right answer will get you... something!  You want some quarters?  We'll find a public place to meet up and I'll give you some quarters.  Don't spend them all in one arcade, though!  There are many arcades that these days more than ever need your patronage! 
    Cool.  I've been thinking about getting off of Facebook completely.  It pretty much serves no purpose for me other than giving me a place to go New Entry At crazysheet.net!  Is It Good?  No, Probably Not! once a week.  Hmm, good Facebook status for when I post this entry.  What else is going on.  Whattado with the rest of my day.  I finally started reading Jeff Tweedy's book.  About a third done with it.  Good book!  Not The Good Book, but A Good Book!  Anyway.  What's The Good Book.  Hmm, what's a good book that I've read that I can use as a reference.  Good... book?  Books can be good?  Get out of here!  Oh, you mean like novelizations of movies, right?  Where the book serves the purpose of making you want to see the movie?  Okay we're on the same page.  Lslz pun.
    Ugh.  Microsoft Frontpage doesn't recognize Novelization as a word.  That shows you their bias on this issue.  Doesn't even recognize Frontpage as a word.  That shows you their own insecurity and self doubt.  It does recognize FrontPage, though, with the, "P" capitalized.  That shows you that they take their Pagement seriously and you better as well.  I don't know.  This is what happens when you go past 25 paragraphs!  Such is life.  Three more paragraphs after this one.  Let's do it to it.  Gonna have a snack when this is over.  40% of one chocolate chip pancake.  That's a fuckin' weird and specific snack.  Well, I get three pancakes from the diner.  Split it into two breakfasts.  This time, the pancakes were a bit larger.  Had a little under 1 and 1/3 for breakfast.  That leaves 40% of a pancake over.  So I'll eat it as a snack.  Get off my back about it! 
    Penpen.  Let's see, what else do I got in the tank.  Bryce Harper signed with the Phillies.  His contract goes into the 2030's.  That doesn't sound right.  It doesn't feel right.  I don't like it one bit.  The 2030's?  I don't wanna live in that post-apocalyptic hellscape dystopia.  Where professional baseball is still going on for some reason.  This keeps getting worse and worse!  Jeez.  Philadelphia seems like a strange place to choose to go to work in.  Philadelphia is a fine place to live if you're from Philadelphia, but for everyone else, it's like, I don't think I wanna do that.  Apparently Cuomo is trying to beg Amazon to come back.  That's right-- now we have all the leverage.  Begging!  They're bound to make a better deal with us now!
    What else.  I wonder if DoorDash added any restaurants in the last three hours.  Also, I need to check the caloric content of what I'm gonna eat for dinner to see if the internet has updated itself with a new, more accurate estimation of the calorie content of things.  I started adding calories to the estimate when I get stuff from fast food places.  I don't trust that they're telling me the truth about themselves.  I want to be able to trust them, but I've been hurt so many times and I just feel like every restaurant in the world is lying to me.  The point is sure I watched Wayne's World II a month or so back.  What am I supposed to do, not watch Wayne's World II?  That makes no sense.
    Last paragraph!  Wonderful.  There was some stuff I could 110% relate to in Jeff Tweedy's book, and some stuff I couldn't relate to at all.  Not a lot of middle ground.  Either 110% on board, or it's something totally foreign to me.  Actually, there was a lot of middle ground.  So the point of this paragraph so far has been I read a book where I could relate to some things, not to other things, and somewhat still still to a third group of things.  Fascinating.  I don't know.  It's March.  We got that collectively going for us.  I've been keeping my electric guitar in its case since I got it totally cleaned up and fixed about two years back, but it kind of sucks.  It really does reduce the amount of time I play it.  If I just had it leaning against the wall, no case, I'd pick it up and play it all the time.  In the case, why bother.  But I can't let it get dirty again.  The Guitar Guy shamed me enough the first time!  I'll see ya later.

-3:20 P.M. 
             
               
   

Contact: mankindguy@gmail.com