Monday, April 15, 2013

This Website No Good

         Hey.  What's going on?  Don't answer that.  I won't be able to hear you.  It's Monday.  Time to do your taxes or something.  Good God.  I feel so out of practice.  I'm not in a good mood.  "Good" and "mood" look like they should rhyme.  But do they?  No.  Nothing ever goes my way.  But seriously, what's up folks?  Don't answer that.  I still can't hear you.  I want to be a cop.  That means I would get to dust for fingerprints.  Usually when people are dusting they're really un-dusting.  But not cops.  They get to add dust to things.  I like that.  I'm drinking coffee now.  Coffee Anan.  Holy shit, it went cold in 30 seconds.  30 seconds to Mars.  I like to help the elderly.  I just grab a hold of their hand, ask them where they want to go, let go of their hand, and give them directions.  One Direction.  Most likely the quickest one.  That's the most useful.  Now it's time for our new segment, "What's Your Favorite Color?"  I'm starting to get dizzy.  Also, fuck that segment.  Fuck it in it's peepee hole.  Also, one person's favorite color was going to be peepee.  Now you know why I aborted the segment.  Also, one person's favorite color was going to be abortion.  I like aborting a task.  It's like, you were going to do something, but you decided not to follow through.  I commend the courage it takes to give up. 
    Oh man.  I want to rename myself.  I'm thinking "Hercules Rockefeller."  M.D.  Yeah, he's a doctor too.  Why?  Because he likes to help people.  The Beatles like to "help" people.  Like in that song, "Frankly, Little American Girl, I Have A Certain Fondness For You And Your Adoration."  My cat died.  We put her down.  She was pretty old, 16 or 17, and she was throwing up every day and was really sickly skinny, so we put her out of her misery.  So yeah, I got a lot on my mind.  We have a drawing of a cat that looks like her, and now I feel bad walking by it.  Too bad it wasn't one of those pictures that gets old while the being stays young.  I'm three quarters certain that that's just a fantasy, anyway.  We have a lot of art in the house, on account of my grandfather having been an antiques dealer, and several members in my family were artists. 
    Hello, sir.  Or madam.  Madam, I'm Adam.  Actually, I'm not.  Although, Adam is my middle name.  And, I was thinking about changing my name to "Adam."  I probably won't, though.  I've grown attached to "Michael," having been using it practically my whole life.  I've been rereading children's books lately.  There's this one book about a robot who wishes he was human, and he follows humans around to try to figure out their behavior so he could mimic them, but it turns out he was just following a two liter bottle of soda as it made it's way from recycling bin to recycling center.  I like soda.  It's a metaphor for soda.  No complications.  I'm also thinking about growing a wig.  It would take a pretty long time.  Why, I could go my whole life waiting for that damn thing to grow.  I watched American Splendor yesterday.  That was a pretty good movie.  Then I watched a hornets nest.  Then I watched stacks of soda cans disappear into the ether.  You know what I'd like to change my name to?  Junior.  Or Ramadan.  Ramadan would confuse people.  Spelling is hard.  Sometimes I spell things wrong, and the computer has this neat system where it underlines your misspelled word in red wavy dots, so you know it's spelled wrong, and then you can actually click it and see what word you meant to type, in the correct spelling.  I highly recommend you try it out sometime.  It's a real lifesavor.  Zing. 
    You know what I miss?  That energy drink, Bawls.  I used to drink Bawls all the time in high school.  The bottle was made out of glass and it was an energy drink.  Man did I love sucking on Bawls.  I was watching "My Crazy Addiction" on some weird channel.  That's a good show.  One person was addicted to stinging herself with bees.  Another person was addicted to playing in the mud with pork.  What do you call pork before it's dead?  It doesn't matter.  Also, one person was addicted to playing tetris while skydiving.  Another person was addicted to inhaling marijuana.  That's crazy.  I hate when people say stuff like, "That's crazy."  I think they're talking about me.  Be more clear, people.  Also, I hate that song "Just Like Honey."  Unless if it's about honey.  Then they are absolutely accurate.  I like aloha.  It means hello and goodbye.  Oh man.  Isn't that trippy?  They got you comin' and goin'!  I had this weird thing happen recently where my left leg just completely gave out on me.  I got up and my leg just collapsed under the pressure of having to support itself.  I wish I had Gamegear.  When my grandfather was in the hospital and sick, before he died, I remember playing Gamegear in front of him instead of talking to him.  I was only nine or ten and had never really interacted with him, and it's quite possible he didn't even know who I was.  Heck, I didn't even know who I was.  If it wasn't for my stacking soda cans all over my room in high school, I wouldn't even know who I am!  It's a hobby which is a defining characteristic as a boy becomes a man.  I don't know if it's really a hobby.  More like laziness. 
    Anyway.  I miss my cat.  She was a good one.  I remember on the first day we got her, playing Super Nintendo with her around.  I was playing Donkey Kong II: Diddy Kong's Great Adventure.  Or something like that.  And I had only rented it from Blockbuster.  I got halfway through the game.  So that's pretty good.  When it comes to lifelong achievements, that's somewhere near the top of the list.  That, and learning how to blow smoke rings.  I learned that recently.  Turns out it's really easy.  I wanna learn how to blow a smoke heart.  I don't know if it's possible, but that would be a cool thing to do.  You could say "I *blow smoke heart* you."  So you could say "I love you" to someone at the same time as blowing smoke in their face.  Anyway.  This is going to end soon.  This entry.  But, in the grand scheme of things, all we know will someday end.  Relatively soon.  In relation to, I don't know, something that takes a long time.  There should be a book called "The Grand Scheme of Things," and it's about the grandest scheme ever thought up.  Sounds like a Shakespeare play.  Or Oscar Wilde.  I don't know.  I like silhouettes.  You get the shape of the things without the problem of seeing it.  I'm going to leave now.  You may silently express your feeling of relief and/or disappointment.

-1:34 P.M.                    

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I Hate All Of You!  Especially You!

         Hi.  Things are looking up.  I've been doing pretty good lately.  I'm sort of thinking about buying a boat.  Then going skiing.  Then smoking a big, red cigar.  I think they have those in the Philippines.  Maybe one day I'll change my name.  But to do that, I have to look inside myself (not literally!!!!!!) and figure out what my true name is.  I also have to kill more time.  I hate that expression.  Killing time.  Because it sounds so benign, but when you take a step back, it's a pretty rough way to live your life.  If it was up to you to decide how to spell "rough," you'd probably do it differently.  I have a feeling that guy was like "'R'..." and then just gave up.  This is now the second year of this website.  The first post was a year and two days ago.  Time flies when you hate everything your life stands for.  I don't know if I hate everything my life stands for.  It mostly just stands for, "Hey, this guy was born, let's just let him live until he dies and see what happens."  I started drinking root beer.  root beer is beer to the opposite of beer to the second power.  If the root is square.  And also, I don't know what it's called, I just had to go by opposites.  We go by opposites a lot around here, don't we?  We have fun.  I tried watching this show called "Brain Games," I think on the National Geographic channel.  I got five minutes in and turned it off because in those five minutes, it made me feel stupid about twenty times.  People watch T.V. to feel smart.  Who turns on a T.V. and thinks, "I'm hungry.  I think I'm gonna order Dominos.  Maybe Pizza Hut.  Maybe I'll just eat the Chinese food menu.  Also, I want to watch a show that belittles my intelligence." 
    One thing I like about Chinese food is the fortune cookies.  If I had to write a fortune cookie, I'd write, "You Are About To Get Eaten.  Wait, I Wasn't Talking To You."  Because I was talking to the cookie.  My life is all about stretching things to the point where you can say, "I guess that sort of makes sense."  I added italics to that phrase to enhance the reader's experience while reading.  Let's them know I'm engaged.  It's interesting to me how far you can take a sentence before you admit there was no point in writing it.  Or reading it.  I've been watching Freaks and Geeks lately.  It's been on T.V.  I like that show.  It's all about, "Look at me, I'm a person, am I freak, or a geek?  You have to guess!"  That's what each character is saying in their inner monologue.  I'm one of a select few people to have an outer monologue.  Remember when McDonalds had chicken selects?  But then they got rid of them.  I guess the chicken weren't making good decisions.  I remember my sophomore year in college, I really wanted to write a movie called "World's Greatest Grandpa."  I had pretty much no plot figured out, but I recently found a list of people I wanted to star in it.  Then I lost the list.  This is the last you'll be hearing about any such list, should such a list even exist.
    If I was in college now, there would only be a week left till summer vacation.  WHOO!  Party time, mother freakers!  I'm going to overdose on antidepressants!  Just take five or ten pills, grind them up, and snort that shit!  I won't really do that.  Because I'm not in college.  Try to keep up.  Anyway.  It's almost my birthday.  Just about eight more months.  I'm turning 25.  The big quarter.  That means in just a few short years, I'll be fucking 30.  That's insane.  Also, I've already lived a third of my life.  That means, just take what I've already lived, do that twice more, and you're done.  It's almost not fair.  But I guess that's life.  We should cherish it.  Really, we should.  And by that, I mean make it somewhat more like Cher.  By the way, if you're wondering, I do believe in life after love.  Especially if your love got hit by a tree, while skiing.  I think they might have already been broken up.  I'm not up on all the celebrity news from the 1990's.  I should be, though.  We have to know and understand the past in order to adequately live in the present.  Remember in Kindergarten when they taught you how to Cher?  Sorry.  That was stupid.  Things are looking up, though.  Mostly because I'm so short.  I need to see what's going on.  I was just watching Poltergeist.  The lady who saves them was really short.  Then she says, "This house is clean," and then fifteen minutes later there's dead bodies and ghosts all over the damn place, and no one is like "that fucker did absolutely nothing!"  We're still supposed to recognize and respect her abilities to tame the paranormal, when she was really not so great at it.  That's a pretty good movie, though.  It has a a good score.  The music, I mean.  I had this thing though, while dead bodies were popping up all over the place, that I just imagined a conductor conducting the score, with the different instruments being played by people, and that sort of took me out of the movie.  I was supposed to be going, "Wow, there's crazy and scary stuff going on!" but instead I'm just picturing a studious and ambitious orchestra practicing.  Those adjectives weren't so great.  Oh well.
    Anyway.  Speaking of college, I need to go back there sometime.  And I am running out of time.  I don't want to go to college, because that's work.  And then when you're done, instead of being like, "alright, I did work, the worst is over," no, because then you have to get a job, which is even more work!  I'm sorry, but if I knew this was the way it goes, I would have dropped out of school in ninth grade.  All the work I did in high school was pointless anyway, I don't remember a God damn thing.  I remember feeling lucky in math, though, because my Dad is a math teacher, and I could go over my homework with him, and study before tests and stuff, and that's really how I got through math.  But, like I said, I don't remember anything.  I even had resort to using 'opposites' earlier in the entry when talking about math.  I guess I still know some Spanish, but not a lot.  But I also took a Spanish class or two in college.  Let's see.  Enero, Febrero, Marzo, Abril, Mayo clinic... Forget it.  If I wanted to know what month it is in Spain I would have lived in Spain.  And bought a English/Spanish calendar, just so there was no chance for confusion.  I got a haircut yesterday.  My hair looked a lot like the Boston Bomber, so I was like, "This is no good..." and thus my face is pretty again.  Eh, it wasn't really like his hair.  Anyway.  I got a shave, too.  I still have half a double chin.  Actually, no.  Half a double chin would be a chin.  I have a chin and a half, about.  But I've been losing weight pretty regularly the past two or three months.  I've been losing about five pounds a month, which means, comfortably, in about 10 to 12 months I'll be where I want.  Not drinking as much alcohol as I did last year will certainly help.  I didn't realize, because I was drinking like three or four drinks a day, but that shit adds up pretty quickly.  Now, if I want to take mind altering drugs, I'm going to figure out how to get weed.  That's the winner's drug!  Actually, I'm vaguely religious now, and I half entertained the notion that abusing drugs, even weed, is bad from a moral standpoint.  Then I remembered that I liked weed a lot, a lot, and dismissed that notion as crazy.  Crazy!
    Anyway.  Time to wind down.  This entry was fun.  I wrote it from a lower vantage point than usual. My chair goes up and down, and usually it's the highest it could be, but I lowered it to look at a piece of paper that was on the floor, and I never set it back up.  So it sure was an interesting experiment, all these different variables that went into concocting it!  Blah.  It's a good thing this is almost over.  The paper was sort of a forgotten entry from 2005, that wasn't really funny and was just more personal.  In it I list all the people I was friends with in high school.  By that point, it was like twenty or thirty people, which isn't so bad, especially compared to the zero or so I had the first year.  So I guess I wouldn't have dropped out of high school after all, I had some friends.  And I made a lot of money playing poker.  I saw an article last week that someone working as the Stuyvesant librarian was arrested for planning to rape and/or kill kids.  I can gladly say I never met such a person.  While playing poker in the back of the library, we were sometimes stopped by a librarian, but it was a female person.  So, that's good.  Every time you escape harm and sexual abuse is a win in my book.  Also, I'm writing a book on obvious things you should avoid.  I just got a stale cigarette taste in my mouth.  It came out of nowhere.  I guess it's my body's way of telling me something else I should obviously avoid-- trusting my senses.  Anyway, peace out!

-7:31 P.M.