Instead of talking. Titling. Look whose titling.
It's me, the titler. Eh, ugh. Been workin' on my music. Been
working on school. Not too hard, though! Wouldn't want to exert
myself. Anyway, today is February. You know what that means.
Tomorrow, odds are, are also February. And it is. Unless if this is
a negative leap year. Can't discount that possibility. I haven't
wrote an entry in a dog's age. What else is going on. Let's get to
some stories from my past, right? Everyone loves that. Well, I do.
Because odds are, I'll forget them eventually, but if I write it here, I'll
remember forever. My newest album is called Happy New Year. Let's go
through some New Years stories? Right? I remember, 09/10, I was
taking a winter writing class at NYU. The last class at NYU I actually
finished. And, I remember, I made friends with a couple of other guys in
the class. And, after the last class, the teacher was doing a reading of
something she wrote like two hours later. And we went to a bar beforehand.
Then, after the reading, we went to one of their houses in Brooklyn and smoked
weed. And I remember, the weed really just knocked me out, after smoking
it, I immediately went to the basement and fell asleep. And when I got
home the next day, my parents were really angry, because they didn't know where
I was. It's a story they would bring up for years to come of how
irresponsible I am. Also, when I woke up, the guy I knew wasn't there, and
there was a knock at the door, so I answered it, and it was UPS shipping like a
400 pound wrestling mat or something. Then, when trying to bring it into
the house, I got locked outside, and my phone was at 4%, and I didn't really
know where I was.
My main other New Years memory was 10/11, when, right after
Midnight, I left the bar we were at to get a Vitamin Water. That's one of
my most prominent memories about anything. Getting a vitamin water.
Energy flavored.Take us to your
daughters. It's from a song, I don't know. But the part about
energy flavored vitamin water, that's also from my life. Funny how things
work out.Gin and juice? I've had gin and I've had juice!
Never together, but, still, whatta coincidence. Why did I capitalize
midnight. No reason. Maybe one of the reasons I remember the vitamin
water was because it was one of the last times, possibly the last time, I hung
out with that whole group of people. And, if leaving the bar at midnight
and getting a vitamin water is any indication, I wasn't really jellin' with the
group. So, that's New Years. What January First into Second memories
do I have. That's a tough one. There was a scene in Dumb and Dumber
To where they're standing at someone's front door, and it brought back memories
of when I used to stand at people's front door.Possibly the stupidest sentence I've ever written.
True, though. I've been drinking half as much alcohol lately. I
drink the same amount of drink, but each time, I only use 50% as much alcohol.
Because I'm a Responsible Randy.That's a lie, we all know I'm a
Midnight Mike. Yoga sucks, because I wanna try to talk to a girl, but
they're in Yoga, gettin' into the zone, and I don't wanna ruin that for them.
Also, crippling social anxiety. But mostly the yoga bit.
Anyway, what. My pants have a split around the bottom
of the crotch area, but I'm too lazy to change pants. Even going into
Yoga, where that kind of thing can be noticed, whatever. Can't be
bothered. I remember in middle school, one girl split her pants during
recess. What did that lead to? Crippling social anxiety. So,
we got that in common. Also, during recess in middle school, we played
spin the bottle once. And there was only one kiss before it was broken up.
And it was me kissing the pants-split girl. It was okay. Whenever
looking at a can of Coors Light, I can't stop reading it as Coor Slight.
Because I have a peculiar kind of OCD. Playin' weird little games with
words and letters like that. You'd think it would make me an all star at
writing, but turns out, nope. What else. Of the 26 songs in my last
album, I have one pretty decent solo. That's something to be proud of, as
far as I'm concerned. That's one more than most people. Also, it's
26 songs more than most people. That's pretty good, as far as I'm
concerned. I really wanna try ADD medication, like Ritalin or Adderall.
I really think it would help me. But I can't convince my doctor I need it.You want to add medication? What kind? You idiot.
I mean, me idiot.New Years. I remember next New
Years, I listened to Rush all night while playing poker at an Indian Casino.
Huh? You're the Huh. I need to drink twice as much mixed
drink. Maybe I'll see a movie. That horror movie looks pretty
good. Horror movies are good, because they're less scary to me than most
other movies. At least I knowI'm not the Lazarus Effect.
I don't think so, at least. I could have been Fight Clubbin' it, being the
Lazarus Effect when I thought I was asleep. I always liked going to movies, but that window of
2006-2008 was a great time to see movies. Seein' em in real quality
theaters in Manhattan, stuff like that. The second half of that window,
usually being high. I got a biscuit from Dunkin Donuts. Doesn't get
much better than that. I saw on Facebook something was trending aboutZelda Williams talks about her late father's suicide. And my first
thought was, Harland Williams killed himself?!? Sorry. I
really am. The good news is there's a biscuit in my very near future.
I think I have a bug bite on my left wrist. And my liver hurts. And
my right testicle has been aching on and off. That's about it, though.
I wish I had a miniature voo-doo doll of someone. I would just do nice
things to it. Hug it, then suddenly the guy is like Oh, this feels
nice. Because I'm primarily benevolent, when it comes down to it.
I guess I could see Hot Tub Time Machine II. I never saw the first one,
though, so I'd be lost.It's a hot tub that's a time machine.
Oh I get it. What about clocks. The original time machines.How the hell did they invent clocks. It mystifies me. I
remember I used to play a game with my babysitter and brother, when I was really
young, and there was a time limit, and the goal was to draw the most circles
within the time. Big, small, whatever, just the most circles. I
remember, I would just draw medium circles wily-nily, because that's easier, but
the correct strategy, that my babysitter used, was to just draw really small
circles orderly, one after the other. I mean, the smaller the circle,
logically, the more you can draw. But you need to use a modicum of effort
to draw standard sized circles. Never had the discipline for it.
I don't get how people can play hide and seek in a house.
Okay, there's like three hiding spaces. I'll see ya in thirty seconds.
Unless you can fit yourself into a drawer, the game is gonna be over pretty
quickly. This has been an entry. That's good. I did seven
albums in the last year. At this rate, I'll have a million albums.
That's roughly 12 million songs. Not bad. Man, a year ago, I didn't
have any of these songs. What progress. What... progress.
Also, there's been about three or four downloads of entire albums on bandcamp.
That's three people who have a The Uppers tab in their iTunes. Awesome.
I do it all for the conquering of iTunes libraries. I like watching horror
movies in theaters.Welcome to my world.
In the land of the horror, the guy with the most amount of horror, what have
you, is, like, leader of the pack, or something. He's got the most
experience. I know what to do-- Run Away! That's my main
advice for people in sticky situations. Also, if there's zombies, just
wear protective gear, that they can't eat through. Pretty straightforward
stuff. Werewolves? Stay inside during a full moon, better safe than
sorry. Or, protective gear made of of silver. Vampires? Don't
trust anyone. They might be a vampire, you don't know. You just
don't know. Anyway, another entry in the books. If you haven't
already, check out theuppers.bandcamp.com to listen to the new album, Happy New
Year. Hey, I could even put a fuckin' youtube video in the website!
Never thought about it. Here ya go. And, see ya later.
February 20, 2015
If You're Reading This, I'm Already Titled
Most definitely. I took off my contacts for the first time
in two weeks. Everything is such a blur. Song #2 keeps playing.
Summer after sophomore year of college, I tried putting together a band, I had
another guitarist/singer and I found a drummer. We each picked two songs
we would rehearse. Song 2 was one of the other guys. Mine were
Territorial Pissings by Nirvana, and Wake, by Heatmiser. I showed up to
the rehearsal, confident I could play and sing all of them, through the power of
self delusion. I knew I couldn't when I practiced at home, but I just
figured, that's how it always is, when you're there, it just comes to you.
And, luckily, I broke a string in the first five seconds. Otherwise, I
would have been in for a world of embarrassment. Especially because it was
me who put the whole thing together. I don't think I've ever had a proper
session with a drummer. Who knows what I'm capable of. Also, power
of self delusion doesn't explain it completely. Power of self delusion
fueled by daily marijuana and whiskey intake, that covers it. All I knew
for sure was, I get 40%, everyone else gets 15%. And if there's
only three other people? 15% for the manager. Gotta keep him happy,
he's running the show.Also,he didn't do it for the
grade. My therapist keeps telling me about a rapper patient she has,
who's trying to be a rapper, by rapping. And how he got financial aid to
go to some rapping/audio media school. I should do that. Not for
rapping, but for rocking. Also, we all know the story about my sixth grade
pen pal from Canada who asked if I knew any rap-ists. That was only months
before me and my friends formed The Mad Dawgs, our own rapping unit. With
the potential to eventually rap. But the complete lack of skills, and
social embarrassment to do anything in public, turned out to be crippling
factors for the ensemble. Mad Dawgs are on the prowl! I'm never gonna get
tired of that. I've probably talked about it six times on this website,
adding nothing new each time, but I don't care. If there's one thing
people take away from this website, I want it to beThe Mad Dawgs are
on the prowl! And that one song I wrote,every line rhymed with
Mexico! Every line! I'm a visionary, a genius. I've never
heardany song where each line rhymes. I just figured,a couplet is good, a triplet is better... what's the best?Every line rhyming.Also, we had no creative focus, or
statement we were trying to make. At least, not as far as I knew. I
guess that's where theMad Dawgs motif comes in. We weren't
focused on shit, we were just mucking around, here to there. If one line
rhymed with the last line, we've done our job. Anyway, what a complete
waste of space. I'm just killin' time till Lunch. I capitalize
Lunch, like religious people capitalize God. Because lunch is pretty
great, too. I like it when people spell it, "G-D."I'd
like to solve the puzzle! Is it, "God?"Nope, Josh Gad.
Life is just one long game of wheel of fortune. And can I make it?
Damn right. I'll be on the next flight. Sitting next to Vanna White.
Or something along those lines. Anyway, what else can I talk about that
I've already said 100% exactly the same here. Hey, some readers don't read
all the time, they just go in and out. So it's not a complete waste.
Also, why wasMexico the focus of my song. What the Hell could it
have been about. I think it's because of the movie Blue Streak, which I
don't remember at all, but I believe the ending has something to do with Mexico.
And there was a song on the soundtrack, I think, that they played during it.
It's a tough line of logic to follow, but I'm reasonably certain that explains
it. Anyway, let's make the rest of the entry count.
Maybe it's because of NAFTA. That was only five or six years old at the
time. That's a reasonable line of logic to follow. And the Grammy
for best sixth graders goes to... The Mad Dawgs! It feels good
to be recognized. Mad Dawgs backwards is Sgwad Dam. How did
Josh Gad work his way into this again. What an SG-wad.
Dam. Also, one of the band names I considered sophomore college year,
wasHercules Rockefeller, M.D. And at work, I made a bunch of
copies of a drawing I drew of a short guy carrying a club or something, meant to
be me, holding onto and guiding an elderly person, to help them medically, in
one way or another. I'll stand by that pseudonym until the day I day.
Or, the day I die. The day I day, sure, I'll give it up then, too.
Maybe that's why I got fired.Michael, can you make this excel
spreadsheet.Yeah, In a minute, gotta make copies. The
people I worked for sucked. Like, if I had to make some excel spreadsheet,
they would be like,it's not a priority, just do it when you get a
chance. And then, if I don't do it right away, they get pissed.
What assholes. I'm never gonna get another job again,ever!I probably will, at some point. On account of needing to support
myself, and such. i got a three page paper assignment for next week, which
isn't so bad, but it prompted a dream I had last night, where I remembered what
it was like in Stuy, where I would have three or four hours of homework every
night, and I would put all of it off to the last minute. Man, the
high-stakes world of high school Spanish and Mathematics.
I also had a dream I was driving a car, without really
knowing how to drive a car, which is realistic, because I don't know how to
drive a car. I think driving in your dream counts as taking a driver's
test. I should have woke up to a DMV worker hovering over my bed, giving
me my license. If you drive in a dream, you're driving in real life.
Good to know. Another joke I've made previously here. This is the
way we write the entry, write the entry, write the entry. What else is
going... on. My stupid T.V. is having problems recording shows.
What's your major malfunction? Well, it used to be Social Studies
education, now it's English. It's more of a major function, though,
without the mal. It turns out my T.V. is a bit of a smart alec.
Also, pretty big coincidence my T.V. has the same majors as I do. I
guess we were meant to be together. Too bad John Lennon wasn't in
Cream. Then, when Yoko showed up, they could have changed their name to
Whipped Cream. Hi-yo. Ko. That's their new song. I'm
tired. Let's all take a collective nap. I remember, when I was in
Stuy, I wanna say junior year, there was some controversy, because apparently
people were throwing, "Cuddle Parties," after school, in the lobby. Where
everyone would just lie down next to each to each other. And they said it
wasn't sexual, but it made the news, and people thought it was inappropriate.
That's how I feel about it, at least. I didn't say how I felt about it. Jokes on you,
I guess. All I know is, the next year, it made the news how one student
attempted to do a Mickey Mouse voice, and failed miserably. Some people
thought it wasn't appropriate, I don't know. I remember in Video
Production, we took a class trip to some park in Chinatown. I wanna say
Chinatown Park. I'm not exactly sure why. I don't remember learning
anything about Video Production while were there. I should have done my
video project on, "Cuddle Parties: Fact or Fiction?" It would be ten
seconds long, with some footage of the cuddle party, and a graphic that says, "Fact."That settles that. Still, a couple of hours work to put that together.
Gettin' all the cuddlers to sign release forms. Anyway, what the what.
I feel like I got sidetracked, which is weird, because the whole idea of this
website is me getting sidetracked. I know I feel double-tracked.
We learned that from Robyn Hitchcock. Anyway. What the what
the what. I remember I met a guy in the hospital, the first time I was
there, who played drums, and I went over to his house couple of times to jam.
Only he never played drums, he just showed me Hellboy and Hellboy II. And
took us to a hookah bar. So, that's the closest I've ever been to having a
band. Anyway, see ya later.
February 18, 2015
Most common title. Easy to remember, duh. Anyway,
life is going by pretty good here at Kornblum Estates. Every other walk I
take, I walk by a person who looks like a famous person. Now, logically, I
know this is a symptom of my paranoia. But, damn, that guy really
looked like George R.R. Martin. Maybe he's looking for inspiration, I
don't know. I tried flashin' him an interesting look, so he'd go, Oooh,
now that's character! So we'll see how that goes. Pretty
sure he can legally kill me, if it makes people happy in his little fictions.
Authors are above the law, we all know this. In the hospital, one of the
supervising doctors' name was Dr. Lau.Breakin' the law, breakin'
the law. Also, every night, he'd put on a thirty minute improv show
calledLau & Order, where we had to offer suggestions (ororders) for scenes for him to perform. It was a ton of fun.
It sure made all the multiple-personalities go,there's a guy who's
got it figured out! Because they think he's one of them. It's
funny, because mentally ill people are stupid. If you're so smart, stop
hearing voices. You got me there. Anyway. I have a shirt
with a rocket ship on it. I'm a 26 year old man. And my most
prominent shirt is a t-shirt with a rocket ship on it. Something's not
adding up here. Also, not kidding,it glows in the dark.
Hey, that's just utilitarian. If you're ever out after dark, let your
shirt guide the way. My second most prominent shirt is a Tenacious D
t-shirt in the style of a jersey, and the team's name isCleveland
Steamers. So, that's me. Yup. Second paragraph time. That's
me. Well, at this very moment, I guess. I want to start an
internet meme.It's pronounced 'Mime.' Well, that's
over. Let's move on. Yoga was yesterday. I made significant
eye contact with the girl I was thinking about talking to. But, another,
cuter girl caught my eye. And, she was bending all over the place, and
I saw everything. Well, not everything. But three out of four
things. And, hey, I even made semi-significant eye contact with her.
This class is comin' up aces, I swear. My English class was canceled due
to the weather, but I only found out after I got there. So I had to kill
five hours before Yoga. I mostly did it by writing the most generic, emo
song lyrics I could muster. Then, getting pizza. Then, sitting on a
chair. Mostly sitting on the chair. A bird flew into the gymnasium.
At first, I saw the shadow, and was like, Well, I guess I'm seeing
things now. But then I saw it clearly, and boy, was I relieved.
I knew I saw a bird! Take that, logical doubt! Maybe all my
voices are just a bird outside my window who has telepathic powers. That's
probably what's going on. That would explain why I keep hearing,Fly, Come Fly With Me. That's how that goes. My right ear
popped in Yoga yesterday, and for five seconds, I literally could not hear out
of it. And, no joke, my first thought was, Maybe this'll lessen the
voices inside my head! No such luck, though.
That's how that goes. Also, I started hearing things
out of my right ear again.Like a chump. Not sure if
that's applicable. Either way, what the what. Maybe my third eye is
just my right ear, have you ever thought about that. Why would you, it's
me, not you. You got better things to think about, I presume. I
spilled my iced coffee yesterday all over the counter. Second time this
year. I'm so hopped up on the bullshit in my head, I keep making these
little mistakes. I've left my keys in the front door twice over the last
two months. Shit like that. Also, before I thought it was R.R.
Martin, was vaguely sure it was Santa Claus. Anyway. I'm running out
of nails to bite. #whitepeopleproblems. I mean, what? Huh?
If someone started the hash tag, "Tic Tac Toe," I would take it as a challenge.
Because I'm stupider than me. Anyway, what else is happening. Four
Five seconds, is what, twenty five overall portions? That's a problem for
high school math teams. I'm assuming you can't have seconds without
firsts. No, twenty four. Right? Gotta be. When I was
getting pizza after emo-song writing yesterday, that song was playing on the
radio, and I cheered right the fuck up. I don't need to tell you, you
know. You get it. I don't get it. What does it mean.
I kinda like the emo crap lyrics, though. Pairing those kind of lyrics
with upbeat music, why, that's the kind of fun The Uppers is all about. I
assume. I never really wrote a mission statement. In 2008, I wrote
out a contract for my band, I get 40%, drummer gets 15%, and so on. I did
not have a band.
Anyway! That's fun. I remember in sixth grade, a
kid in my class started wearing a rubber band over his wrist. I thought
that was the coolest thing. I started doing it. In fact, there's a
good 20-30% chance I started it.I just assume it was
him, because I remember him also doing it, and I don't think he'd be taking
fashion tips from me. Although, I've been known to be ahead of the curve
on a few things. Like, on bandcamp, all my album art was just black
backgrounds with simple, white font saying the band name and The Uppers.
When I would browse through albums a year ago, it was all delicately crafted art
and stuff. Now, you go through it, two thirds of the album art is exactly
like me. The point is, I'm the greatest. Also, other people can suck
it. Also, I'm wonderful. That's pretty much it, though.
Also, now I gotta think of some new shit, to stay ahead of the curve.
Where's the justice. Justice is on Conan next week. I saw it in the
info descriptions. Triumph, the Insult Justice Dog. He's a... I
don't know, forget it. I like to stay a week ahead of guests on talk
shows. Gives me time to properly prepare myself. I hate fortune
cookies. Because they usually seem to make relevant sense. You
fucker! You're not supposed to be that accurate! But they
are. I like the story where, a year or two ago, like two hundred people
won the lottery, because they got the numbers from the same fortune cookie
fortune. Good for them. And, that'll learn them to use standard
numbers for lottery. Everyone knows only to use numbers from 40-50.I've got a system. Last paragraph time. I was gonna say 30-40, but
that's just ridiculous. I entertain myself. I really do. I think
they should re-name Yoga, "Stop Looking At My Ass-isthetics." Because I'm
a wild 'n crazy guy. Anyway, another entry in the books. That's how
that goes. Also, is Nightmare At 20,000 Feet a direct response to 20,000
Leagues Under The Sea? And is 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea inspired from
The Enchantment Under The Sea Dance? Also, am I Marty McFly?
Also, who cares. Another entry in the books. Let's get a little
inside-baseball here. After I typed,Am I Marty McFly? the
primary part of me was like, Yup, that's it. That's me. I'm
no Martin McFly. I can't ride a skateboard, I can't drive a car, I'm not
smooth with the ladies. Can't even travel through time. Anyway, see
February 16, 2015
Alright! We did it! New entry time. What's
going on in the wide world of sports. One of my favorite jokes from old
crazysheet was, "Where in the world is Carmen San Diego, is it San Diego,
because that's in her name, and if it is, I want my money back."
Only phrased 20% better. Also, how do we know Carmen San Diego isn't on
the moon. At this point, we can't rule out any possibilities. She
could be dead. That would make all this detective work mute. Or,
moot. It depends on whether you want to think of me as an idiot or not.
My computer can't play DVDs. And my X-Box is broken. I got all these
DVDs, no way to watch them. I'm like that Twilight Zone guy I keep
bringing up. I haven't seen Non-Stop, but apparently there's a lot of
twists and turns, and you don't know who the villain is. My guess, it's
the Nightmare At 20,000 Feet monster. Somehow he gotinside the
plane and is causing a ruckus. And he keeps sending Liam Neeson text
messages. I like the image of monsters sending text messages. It
makes me happy. Also, are planes really at only 20,000 feet above the
ground? That seems kind of low. That's like three or four hundred
Yao Mings. Not really, but you get the point. I guess it's like 3000
Yao Mings. That's still not that much. Note to self-- arrange
Guinness Book of World Record for most amount of people standing on each other's
shoulders. I wonder how high you can get. Gotta be at least
five, right? Would ten do it? I'm thinking of only average people,
they can get to ten, if they worked a little bit at it. People
specifically trained for this, no reason they can't get to forty or fifty.
Maybe more. Well, no way of knowing. I thought of it, I discarded
it, and now it's over.
Also, no cheerleader stances, or any of that shit. I
want straight standing on top of shoulders, completely vertical. No half
assing it. What if I don't have shoulders. Then, sorry, you
can't participate in this exercise. Now just do whatever your equivalent
of shrugging is, and go away. Anyway, what was I talking about.
Classes tomorrow. I wasn't talking about that. But I am now. If only
I had more to say about it. Will I talk to Yoga lady? Only time will
tell. Probably not, though. That's my guess. But I'm 26, I'm
not getting any younger. I gotta put myself out there, and stuff.
I only have twenty years until menopause. The good news is what the
what. There should be a T'Zone where there's a monster who travels on a
Segway, and it's called,Terror At One Foot. If the monster
was six feet tall, just walking, for me, would be terror at one foot. It's
funny because I'm comically short. I think they almost called The Karate
Kid, Hero On One Foot.Spoiler alert. He kicks
someone. There's a scene early on where he's playing soccer. A
little foreshadowing, I presume? Perfect, perfect. Stupid two day
workweek. Tuesday and Thursday? I'm not Superman. Also,
superman isn't a man. He's from Krypton. His name is a complete lie.
I think his only friend on Krypton was the Crypt Keeper. He's good friend
material. Got lots of stories, always leaves you crackin' up. Well,
leaves himself crackin' up, at least. But as we all know, laughter is
contagious.This Story will leave you with a scream.
Yee-hee-hee-hee! Ha-ha-ha... what are we laughing about?Doesn't matter. Anyway. One of my favorite Tales from the crypt is
the one where there's a ventriloquist, and it turns out his puppet is actually
his conjoined twin who's just like a six inch head on his hand. And is
evil. Bobcat Ghoul-dthwait is in it. Well, good night folks!
I made a pun, I made a pun. Anyway, I'm hearing a lot of good
things about my music. From the voices in my head. Doesn't make it
any less valid, though. I'll take what I can get. As long as they're
not saying,Great music, go jump in front of a train. Then,
no way. Then again, if I do off myself, everyone would be drawn towards
listening to my music. So it would be worth it.Well, I guess I never gave him a chance while he was here, now
let's see what he's all about. I'm lonely/So sad/Please hold me/I'm
sad. Thenthey jump in front of a train. I've
seen it a thousand times. Also, that's not a cry for help. Believe
me, when I cry for help, you'll know. Because my next album's name will
be, "Cry For Help." Not a bad idea. I'll write that down
in my imaginary note book. Anyway. Jeez. I just finished this
last album, and I'm already thinking,time to start the new one.
It fills up time, makes me feel productive. Since last April, I've done
six albums, of 10-16 songs each. That's a lot of crap. Plus, another
10-20 songs that didn't make it onto the albums. If only there was better
crap on T.V., I wouldn't have to exert myself so much. As it is, I can
only watch four or five hours of T.V. a day. Not enough. It's four
degrees outside. That's a Tool song.You're a Tool song.
Hey, shut up. It's Monday today, the eighth day of last week.
Also, someone get The Beatles a calendar. Eight days a week? C'mon
guys, you're smarter than that.
At least Every Day is limited to days that actually
exist. Get it together. What'll be the focus of my new album.Yoga girl. I don't know anything about her, though. All I
know is, from what I observed, she seems to be doing yoga all the time. Do it
about Yogi Berra. No. Anyway, get it together.Lousy Smarch weather. Simpsons. Yup. Anyway, what
the what. I recently figured out my importance in life. Explain to
my Mom who actors are.Bob Odenkirk is... Chris Hardwick
is... I guess those are the main two. Anyway, I just took a break and
laid down the guitar tracks for a new song. What a moron. I'm outta
shit to say. Yoga girl/so pretty/yoga girl/sits near me. Put
that in theMaybe pile.Teacher might/be the green
goblin/I'd have to fight/if she becomes a problem.I'm vaguely
sure that shooting a spider web from your wrist is a yoga pose. It's
offering up your wrist for someone to slit. That's an important pose.
Anyway, that's tomorrow. Let's focus on today. Write a song.
See ya later.
February 15, 2015
No, You Shut Up!
Hello, guys, and girls. Been a while, hasn't it? A
whole week. Oh, the stories I've accumulated. Cute girl in Yoga
class who was yoga-ing next to me. I mad a pact with myself that I'll talk
to her this upcoming week. A pact sure to be broken. But you can
break pacts with yourself. No one would be the wiser. I think that's
one of the Yoga moves. Pact-Breaker. Yoga moves.
That shows you how engulfed I am in that material. They're not moves,
they're stances. Sure, there's movement from stance to stance. But,
still, get it right.Get it right. One of the main moves, a
kid does it in a Mr. Show episode, I think the same kid who played the fat
smelly guy on Freaks and Geeks, and he's taunting Bob Odenkirk, who's like a
Buddhist monk, and he mimes one of the main yoga moves while chuckling
sarcastically. So, that's what I'm thinking about for a good 20% of the 2
hour class. Sarcastic chubbo from a 1990's sketch comedy show. Does
that influence me as a person? I don't know, probably. I guess, when
it comes down to it, I'm a one time supporting actor on a 1990's sketch comedy
show. So, anyway. In my English class, I had to use the
bathroom again, but based on our previous interaction, I really tried to hold it
in till class was over. I was holding it in, and holding it in, and then
when class was supposed to be over, she said, "I'll just keep you here for five
more minutes," and I just got out of my seat to go, and she was like, "What
do you think you're doing?" And I was like, in almost exactly these
words, "Sorry, but I really got to go." Which is essentially the
most demeaning thing an adult can do, in front of a room of his peers.
I have to pee in the toilet, lady. Please let me go. And she was
like, Fine. Apparently she thought I was leaving the room to make a
phone call, once she knew it was bathroom related she was on board.
I was watching The Shining a day or two ago. I think
the scariest thing in The Shining is the music. You could just listen to
that soundtrack with no stimulation to your other senses, and you'd be scared
witless. Scared witless is the PG way to say scared shitless. I
figured them out. Also, a fart noise on T.V. is captioned as, "Blowing
raspberry." What does blowing and raspberries have to do with each other.
Maybe I'm an idiot, I don't know. I'm not even sure what exactly a
raspberry is. Some sort of berry, I've deducted. What else is going
on. My hospital is throwing a talent show. What morons. My
therapist wants me to do music. I'll do it, but only if there's a bowl
of red m'n'ms only, and I don't want to see the bowl, I want it to be
tucked away somewhere. Also, keep me away from the feebs. My
music would be way over their heads. Get rappin' with it, hey, get rappin'
with it, ho. Also, I want it to be a pizza party. At least at
the end, after the show. Any situation that doesn't end in a pizza party
is no good to me. I once went to an event the hospital hosted, where they
had a guest speaker of someone who heard voices. And, afterward, I ran
into him in the bathroom, and he shook my hand. It was weird.I wonder if his voices are like mine. Because if they are, they
shoulda told him not to shake hands with people in the bathroom.We just swapped urine molecules. We're no better off than we were
before. We still have voices, now we just have brand new bacteria. I
didn't like his main message, though, anyway. He was all about embracing
your voices and engaging them, and working with them, and so on. Fuck
that. This is my head, only room for one voice. Maybe
two, if I'm high. Or three, if I'm misunderstanding some direction in Yoga
class. But that's it. We do have two ears. Therefore, we should have two
voices. That's just science. But we have only one mouth.
That's right, and two sets of teeth, top and bottom. Two voices, what's
your problem? I'm pretty satisfied that, to my knowledge, none of the
voices I hear are named Tony and live in my mouth. Alright! Not The
Shining kid! Score one for the good guys. There is Tony the
Tiger, from breakfast cereal fame.And Antonin Scalia, who puts the
dope in the Supreme Court.There's no dope in the supreme court.That's how I feel about things. Dope and Court almost slant-slant
rhyme. A little bit. The vowel sounds the same, am I right?
Give it up for the vowels, they drove in from Jersey.What the
Hell. I can't imagine how disappointed I'd be if it turned out George
Carlin was a rapist. That's probably how some people feel about Cosby.
Too bad, I guess. And if it turned out that Tony the Tiger was a rapist?
Why, I might have to end it all, there. Don't wanna live in a world like
that. I remember, Stephen King directed his own version of The Shining as
T.V. movie, and the only thing I remember, is it ends with Danny grown up, and
it turns out Tony was his future self. Fuck off, King. The
Shining should end in a hedge maze, as God intended. All movies should end
in hedge mazes, if it were up to me. I think the last shot of The Shining
is zooming in on a black and white picture, with Nicholson somehow in the
picture. Why isn't there a porn site called Trick Photography.
Because they don't have fellas of my brilliance and wit coming up with porn
sites, I guess.
Anyway, this sure is an entry. That's not too bad, in
and of itself. Masturbation website. I mean, what? Anyway.
Whazzup party people. It's me. Yup. That much, I am sure of.
The voices guy who I heard speak, he told a story of how his voices told him to
go jump in front of a subway, and he got all the way to the station, to the
track, and finally they told him to back off. I'm sorry, but after that
kind of crap, I don't think I'd be so friendly with them voices. Killing
yourself? That's not a positive outcome. No one wants that.
Frankly, you can do better. My voices mainly tell me when to use the
bathroom. And then there's a teacher voice who says, You'd be
disturbing the class. Look, the class is clearly disturbed, they're
voices in my head. Snort chuckle. What a laugh and a half that
story was. Sure did kill space, though? That's all my voices
tell me to kill. Space. Time. Stuff like that. Fun
stuff. Anyway. Put up a new album of music online yesterday.
Fun stuff. That's six albums in the past year. And, I know I'm
biased, but I think it's pretty solidly high-mediocre/low-adequate. Either
way, hello, it's crazysheet time. I'm gonna have a cheeseburger for
dinner. I was writing this entry, just thinking, and I was like,Hey, it's within the realm of possibility I could have a cheeseburger for
dinner. I never liked cheeseburgers as a kid. The only cheese I
would eat was on pizza. But then I grew up, things change. One day
you don't like cheese on your burgers, the next, you can't live without it.
I can live without it. I just wanted to sound poetic, and stuff.
Leave me alone. Now that I've talked about it, a cheese burger sounds
disgusting. Oh well, you live and you learn. One would imagine.
So, I ended up not doing the open mic last week. I probably should have.
Oh well. I've already bombed at the UCB. I should find a fresh new
venue to try my crap. Can't use my Lincoln six more weeks of slavery joke,
though. That woulda been my opener, cause it was that day. What a
wasted opportunity that was.
Okay, okay. Last paragraph time. This was fun and
a third. Hey, I can go through the day, without making shit!
Crazysheet done, music done. Just spend some good ol' quality time.
Doin'... stuff. I wanna say watch T.V., but I don't wanna set myself up
for disappointment. I mean, sure, I'd love to watch T.V. my life away.
But is it a tangible proposition?? I don't know, maybe I should watch the
new CBS show,The Proposition. It's about people proposing
things.I've never watched a show on CBS. And I never will.
A man's got to have principles. Channel Two? What am I, an
idiot? Probably. And, I can feel my spirit settling into the
crazysheet-psyche, more than the The-Uppers psyche. Good for me. I'm
like a hermit crab. Except I have two permanent shells, and I alternate
between them. Man, that moment when the crab is changing shells, gotta be
pumped up on adrenaline.Gotta find a shell, gotta find a shell,
gotta find a shell. Now that's what I call topical humor.
Tropical humor. I meant tropical humor. Are crabs
indigenous to the tropics? Probably not? I don't care. I got
beer today, over vodka. I'm proud of myself. I could be drinking
vodka, but I'm drinking beer. What a big boy I've become. I miss the
summer of 2008, where, I've mentioned here, I was high pretty much 95% of the
time, and every couple of weeks, I would change my bed from facing west to
east, to north to south. It's a whole different trip, boy. And you
put on some Daniel Johnston, some Meat Puppets, oh, you'll get in the mood.
The mood to smoke more marijuana. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
One thing I liked about my bed facing North to South is it created a nice little
nook in my room for guitar/amp stuff. It was fun.Huh?
Bold? I guess he/me is trying to convey how much he misses marijuana.
What's that, Lassie? They're out of marijuana? Someone call
Superman, this is the Twilight Zone. Batman gets herpes. The
Riddler does a crossword puzzle.
February 8, 2015
Put 'er there! There being here. Or, at least, some
place. Certainly a real, tangible location. There's no questioning
that. What else is going on? Besides all that stuff I've already
talked about. Anyway, back to Operation Dumbo Drop. I don't really
remember what happens in Operation Dumbo Drop. I only know I thought David
Allen Grier was in it, instead of the truth. Danny Glover, whose alias, as
we all know, is, "The Truth." Who gets a script in the mail called,
"Operation Dumbo Drop," and immediately thinks, "This is gonna be good."
Probably no one. I mean, David Allen Grier turned it down, how good
can it be. Maybe The Truth thought it was gonna be a tangential to Dumb
and Dumber. Also, movies that are related to other movies, without
being sequels or prequels, are called tangentials. Now you know.
Like the biopic of Forest Gump which just documents him running across America.
Run Harder, Gump: The True Running Story of a Running American Runner.
Wait, no. I'm thinking of Runner, Runner. Sorry. I
was just playing poker and got beat by a runner-runner two pair!
Things, happen, that relate, tangentially, to other things, that have happened.
That's how I feel about things. I had a dream I ran into an old friend in
a supermarket, and we basically just ignored each other. Because it's my
dream to, eventually, when I can karmically afford such a excursion, to ignore
as many people as possible. You get ignored! You get ignored!
You get ignored! Then I'm all alone, and my glasses break, so I can't
read anything. Oh, cruel irony.
At the end of that episode, when the guy's glasses break,
there should just be thirty seconds of him going, "FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK
FUCK FUCK. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. MOTHER FUCKER." Then the
credits roll. That would be fun, or something. I'm leaning
towards Or Something.This ain't no MSNBC, son.
There's no leanin' forward, or any in direction. Lean Forward. Oh,
now the Liberal Elite are telling me how to sit, are they?! I'm not gonna
stand for it. Unless if Fox News has a commercial, Stand Up.
They probably won't, though, that's how I feel. I was talking to my
friend, and he was like, I watch Fox News, because they have hot news
anchors. Really? Really?? Really???...Really???? Anyway, that's how that goes. Also, that was
probably in a dream, on account of me not having any friends. Nah, it was
real life. I do have maybe like 1.45 friends. Well, my ashtray is on
fire. See ya in a bit. Hi it's me again. Remember, from
before? The guy who's writing what you're reading? I wrote it in the
past, but you're reading it currently. It's confusing, I know. I
think we should switch the meaning of, "Whose," and, "Who's." Everyone
would be a lot happier.Who's On First? There's no
apostrophe, in a just world.He's on
second. I don't know how jokes go. I'm not on trial here.
No trialization without representation. That's how I
feel about things. Oh, crazysheet. You'll be the death of me.Is someone getting The Death, The Death, The Death, The Death of You?
They play that song on repeat in the obituary department. Obituary.
The forgotten, thirteenth month. Why am I fourteen years old. It
doesn't make sense. Anyway, what the what. I think the real goal of
Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing was so that they would hire black actresses
to play stenographers in all the movies. You can't prove it's not.
Mavis Beacon isn't a stenographer. She's a stenographer's mentor. If
Dick Cheney ever played Oregon Trail, when hunting, he'd probably end up
shooting the banker in the face. Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face.
Most people forget about that, but it's probably the best story in American
politics, maybe ever. I was going to sleep last night, and the T.V. was
on, and for some reason it was on the Memory Channel, or whatever it's called,
where they show shows from the 50's and 60's. And Batman was on, and I
didn't watch any of the episode, but the title literally was, "The Joker Gets
a Job." Oh no! If he has a means of supporting himself
financially,who knows what he's capable of. Like I said in
a previous entry, the stakes in that Batman series are significantly low.
The Joker gets a job. C'mon. What's next,Two Face
Makes a Speech. Batman Gets a Cold. Alfred Forgets Where He Put His
Glasses. Anyway. Not a problem, Alfred. That's why I
installed a tracking device in your glasses, for conundrums such as this.
That couldn't happen, then the episode would only be three minutes long. I
was practicing my face in the mirror, and I realized I can frown a lot more
easily than I can smile. And to a greater degree. I can frown like
there's no tomorrow, but my smile is ever so slight, and decidedly creepy.
Stupid face. Thinks it's so great. Anyway. I need to go to
Modells to get a yoga mat. Where is the justice. Having to do
things. It ain't right! It ain't right. And if it was right,
I'd have to reverse it in my mind, and make it left.And I have
to reverse the quality of that joke in my mind from terrible to adequate.
Self delusion is the greatest. Anyway, what the huh. Why am I twelve
years old.Maybe because I've been fourteen for twelve years
now. Makes sense, I'm not gonna argue with air tight logic like that.
I bet after smart phones came out, Mavis Beacon was like,Fuck
It, I'm Not Even Gonna Bother Anymore. It makes sense. Anyway,
see ya later.
February 6, 2015
It's Gonna Be Good
Positive thinking! The good kind of positive, not the HIV
kind. Anyway, hello. I don't get the Fresh Off The Boat show.
From what I remember, FOB is basically a racial slur second or third generation
Asian-Americans use against ones who just arrived, and aren't fully assimilated.
It's not a term of endearment, it's basically a racial slur. At least that
was my experience. It's kind of like if they called The Butler... no, I
can't do that joke. But you get the idea. Anyway, good night!
No, no. Good morning. I dreamt two comedy sketches last night.
And then I woke up, and after debating whether to get out of bed and write them
down for two minutes, I finally did. Only problem was, it turns out I was
still dreaming when I got out of bed and wrote them down. So, lost into
the ether they were. Also, another part of the dream, I was forming a band
with my brother, and he had one hit song that was better than all of my songs.
And it sort of made me feel like,I'm the one who really wants this,
but I'm not contributing anything. Anyway, good night! No, no,
no. No. I held the door at Dunkin D's for a lady, allowing her to go
in front of me in the line, and she was very gracious, and made small talk with
me. I did it! Got .005% there to sex. Gotta start
somewhere, am I right? Then, when making my order, I said,Can I
have a Dunkin Combo? You, me, and that girl? Aaand good night!
Nope, still good morning. Alright. A joke! Whouda thunk it.
Not me. When I was walking to DD, my Dad drove by in a car. I waved
to him.Hey, I know that guy! It's the direct opposite
of the story of when I walked by him without saying anything or even looking at
him. Hey, I don't know how long he's gonna be here, gotta make the most of
it. I had a dream my maternal grandfather's ghost was haunting me.
Not like in a negative way. Not really in a positive way, either. It
was basically just hanging around, relatively neutrally. I guess fairly
positive. Then a tree broke into my room and ate me. I used to be
scared of everything when I was a kid. Scared of the hallway, old lady who
lives in the refrigerator hangs out there. Scared of my closet, bloody
heads in there. Scared of my ceiling, ghost there, scared of the other
side of the bed, ghost there. Scared of the bathroom mirror, Bloody Mary.
Scared of the shower, Shining lady. Scared of outside the window, out on
the street, might be some kind of ghoul out there. Scared of the attic,
homeless maniac up there. Scared of the entire bathroom that's connected
to my parents bedroom. Scared of facing the living room when sleeping down
stairs in the den. Who knows what could be going on there after dark.
Well, you know what they say. Better scared than sorry.
And, lo and behold, not one ghost attack in my entire childhood. It pays
to be vigilant. I even have a vague memory of being scared of the air
conditioner/heating vents. That might be connected to homeless man in the
attic, though. That's how he can watch me with his peepers. Scared
of the walls. In The Gate, there's a dead guy who lives in the walls.
That explains that. Scared of looking out the window, already covered
that. Except the first time I meant the downstairs window, this time I
mean my bedroom window. Now, I'm scared of more practical things.
Like books, and being alone. Those are my main two fears, when it comes
down to it. And the walls, a little bit.
Who knows what's going on behind that facade. Probably plumbing and
stuff. Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. Fear hit
faith over the head with a shovel. That's how that goes.
That's the worst knock-knock joke I ever heard. Not even remotely
there? Fear. Fear who? I'm gonna knock you over the
head with a shovel. Fear everyone, better scared than sorry.
That's how that goes. What else. I told one joke this entry, that's
pretty good. At that rate, I'll have two hundred jokes a year.
That's a lot of yuk-yuks. I guess next Thursday would be a good day to do
open mic, cause school is closed for President's Day. Plus, I can do all
my President's Day material.So, Lincoln saw his shadow this
year. Six more weeks of slavery. I actually did have a
President's Day witticism in old crazysheet. I checked George Bush's
birthday, just to make sure it wasn't in February, because if it was, then he
would inevitably be lumped into President's Day. And that just
wouldn't be right. It's not really wit. It's more a straightforward
expression of dissatisfaction with George Bush.
Anyway. Baseball starting up soon. That's fun and
a half. I wonder if anyone ever went to see Baseketball and couldn't
spell, and thought, "This'll be a good movie about basketball!" Probably.
What else is going on. Gettin' close to end of the entry, that's all fine
and good. What else is going on. What to do with the rest of my day.
Probably things, and stuff. What else is there to talk about.
Baseketball. That was a movie. I like it because they have a friend
who's my height. He sleeps in a drawer. Good stuff.
That was the moment in life where I realized I could make friends. As long
as I exist primarily for their mocking and to get shit on. Also, The
Shining is where I realized to be scared of the bathroom. And late night
talk show hosts. Them, the sum of all fears. Operation Dumbo Drop is
where I learned to be scared of elephants. Anyway, what the what.
Time to close it up, once again. Stupid brother's song, gettin' all the
accolades. Just because it's infinitely better than mine. I
oughtta hit him over the head with a shovel. Anyway. There's
no crying in Baseketball! There should be, that would be a good
distraction. See ya later.
February 5, 2015
We Underline Titles In This House
Hi friends. First full week of class, knocked out of the
park! Except for how I didn't really do the reading for one class.
But that one class is only 66.7 percent of the week, you can't judge an entire
week based on a simple majority of it. Well, you can. You can do
what you like. I'm not here to tell you what you can and cannot judge.
I had to share my book with the guy sitting next to me, because he didn't have
his book. So I whispered, this is still illegal in thirteen states.
Sharing a book with a same sex student. Then he knocked my block off.
Oh yeah, it turns out he was a rock-em-sock-em robot. I should have
mentioned that before. It doesn't get much more intimate than sharing a
book with someone. These words are now our words.
Maybe that's because there's things wrong with me, though. When teacher
was taking attendance, there was a girl whose last name was Papa. So, I
asked her if she knew any Italian people.Making last name puns
is the most intimate you can get with a person. Because it's their
name. C'min out ofyour mouth. Hey, I made
up an abbreviation. That's not the word. Condensation.
There we go. I made up a condensation. Hello, friends.Then I knock your block off. Sorry, I thought this was a choose
your own adventure. Where the writer gets to choose his own adventure.
In other words, something being written. Anyway, hello. To turn to page 69, turn to page
69. To stop reading, close the book. I live on 69th Avenue.
I feel like a pervert every time I order a delivery. That's probably where
most my problems stem from.Apartment or private house?
Private House...very private. Private House was the
unsuccessful sequel to House, where he becomes a detective. Because
it's a pun, that's why. Aren't doctors the original private eyes?
I detect you have... lung cancer. Damn, I knew it!
That's how that might go. What else. When I was sharing the book, I
rested it on my notebook without thinking, and halfway through, realized he
could probably read what I had written. So, most likely, he was thinking,
"Man, this guy likes writing sentences with, 'Title,' in them." How do
you get the Carnage Hall? Practce, practce, practce. Google
maps, google maps, google maps. Anyway. That's the kind of thing
that goes on in my brainium. I got vitamin water today. So at least
I accomplished something. I have a clothes hanger from a place called,
"Jiffy Jeff's Cleaners." Isn't that copyright infringement on Jazzy Jeff,
Will Smith's friend? I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and guess they're
not paying no royalties. I guess if your name is Jeff, and you wanna use
an adjective to describe you with alliteration, I guess it's okay.
Probably not, though. It's probably not okay.
Magic Mi--oh, can't do that. In UCB class, you had to make up
a superhero name for yourself, with alliteration, so people would remember it.
I said I was Midnight Mike, and mimed going to sleep. Possibly the only
positive thing I did all semester. And it's not far off from the truth.
My main power is being able to go to sleep. Or something. Probably.
I don't know. Anyway, measles. Am I right? Yup, yup.
Misshapen Mike. Mangled Mike. Maroon Five Mike. Jazzy Jeff.
One Moment Mike. Then I mime being on my cell phone, making the
other wrestlers furious. I've been having Exorcist-infused dreams a lot
lately. Probably 60% of my dreams the last couple of weeks have at least a
small moment of Exorcist girl. Well, guess I'm possessed now.
Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have Netflixed Jeepers Creepers. Netflix is
the root of all evil. Also, can't stop whistling the theme from
Poltergeist. It's a nice tune. Similar to Gremlins, which I also
whistle. But even better. I remember learning somewhere that a
Poltergeist is actually when a kid or something unknowingly summons supernatural
powers, and that's the cause of whatever crap is going on. In Poltergeist,
the movie, though, it was implied it was because they built the house over
graves. Something's not adding up here, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of
it. Unless the bottom of it is filled with rotting corpses whose souls
just need the littlest bit of prodding towards becoming harmful to me and my
family. It coulda been the kid with the tree. You never
know. If I Did It, This Is How I Woulda Done it. By The
Kid With The Tree. That little lady who helps them in Poltergeist,
that's a good marriage candidate for me. Except that she's sixty years too
old, and most likely dead. She is shorter than me, though. That
counts very much in the algorithm I've devised. This house is unclean.
Well, then clean it up then, lady! I'm hearing a lot of negatives, why
don't you go make yourself useful?? And then she just becomes their maid.
Anyway. What else is going on. It woulda been a good surprise ending
if, they think everything is fine, then the little lady shows up, and is like,"Tricked Ya!" and then her head starts spinning around rapidly and
throwing up everywhere. And then they hit her over the head with a shovel,
and she's dead for good. It's pretty easy to defeat short villains.
One hit upside the head with a shovel, and they're down for the count.
I knew I never should have HBO-GO'd Creepshow II. Also, damn, I just
revealed my biggest weakness. My one Achilles' Heel.
Gettin' hit over the head with a shovel. Also, pretty sure that's one of the circles of Hell.
Where you just get hit over the head with a shovel for all eternity. It's
a lot worse than it sounds, one would imagine. I can tell my teacher is
pretty with it. And hip. And groovy. Last class, she made a
Key & Peele reference. ... ... That's pretty much it. But isn't that
enough, when it come down to it? She's sixty something years old, that's
enough in my book. My Yoga teacher's name is Sharon Osborne. It took
all of my strength and willpower to not ask her if she was related to The Green
Goblin. The good news is, the entry is almost over. Good news for
you, good news for me, good news for the tree. Pretty much good news all
around. Anyway, time to close it up. A solid D+/C--. I've
heard of C++, but C--?! C'mon!!! Aaand that knocks it down to an even
D+. Alright, see ya.
February 4, 2015
This Is The Way We Title The Entry
I don't wanna ride no bus. I wanna ride the bus.
Anyway, hello. I figured since I've written an entry every February day so
far, might as well keep it up. Couldn't hurt. Unless if the entry
sucks. Then it would hurt slightly, but not too bad. Because no one
really cares, when it comes down to it. Also, nothin' else to do. I
watched all the late night comedy talk show possible. And that only took
up half my day. My head is buzzin'. I don't know what it's about.
My horoscope today told me to hit on someone. I thought that's oddly
specific, and potentially disastrous. But, either way, guess I gotta
hit on someone. Anyone out there? You. Yeah, you.
No, not you, the other one. Hi.And that's how that goes.
I got frozen White Castle hamburgers today. Because God smiled on me.
And, I did all the leg work. I mean, God put them in the supermarket,
but it was all human spirit and willpower which moved them from the store
freezer into my home freezer. That's right, I'm the greatest. No
yoga tomorrow. What will my third eye do? Take the elevator.
Up and down my head, all day. I had to use the bathroom in the gymnasium
yesterday, and there was no lights. It's possible the bathroom was
deserted sixty years ago, and they just never put up a sign. I hate when
you use vending machines and they give you silver dollars for change.You fucking asshole. Then I use that to pay at the gas station,
and they go, you fucking asshole. Silver dollars are essentially
there just to make people feel like assholes.
The Beastie Boys have a lyric, "So put a quarter in your ass,
cause you played yourself." I always liked that. It's clever, that's
all. I have two CDs of rap songs on my iPod from the turn of the century
that I made with napster'd songs way back when. Still surprisingly
relevant even today, fifteen years later. That's how I feel about things.
And, me in fifteen years, reading this entry, thinking?That's
how I felt about things. I lost 95% of my play money chips when I had
pocket queens as an over pair, the other guy had mid pair, and hit two pair on
the river. Where is the justice? Captain Justice? That's what
Antonin Scalia calls himself in his self-published comic books. I feel
awkward around girls in Yoga. Sittin' next to them for thirty
fuckin' minutes. I finally just exploded,Why aren't we having
sex by now? Because I'm an inpatient pervert. Impatient pervert.
When I was in the hospital, I was an inpatient pervert. So, that's how
that goes. My laptop is heating up. Maybe that's who I was supposed
to hit on, my laptop. All that inpatient pervert talk is gettin' it hot.
I gotta say, though, unless if I was really drunk, I don't think I'd have sex
with my laptop. I'd have to be pretty wasted. Also, I'm not sure if
my penis fits in the USB slot. Sorry. Mostly to myself.
Because that joke is the pits. I liked eating pizza yesterday.
Whereas, ten years ago, eating in a public place by myself, I'd be self
conscious, "Everyone's looking at me with pity and disrespect," now, I'm over
it. Instead, I'm thinking, "Everyone's probably looking at me, but I don't
care! Keep on lookin, everyone!" Funny how people grow over time.
One would imagine. I'm the same height I was when I was
eight. As God intended. I like coughing up phlegm. I may have
talked about that here before. It's one of my favorite things to do.
Not only is it fun, but it's a good way to lose weight. I'm always
paranoid, using public bathrooms, that I'm in the wrong bathroom. Even if
I see urinal stalls, if I go into the regular toilet, I start thinking,What if I was mistaken? I can't see anything from in here. I
could be in the wrong. Also, putting my iced coffee down. What
if other people see that, and are like, Man, he put his iced coffee down,
somewhere in the bathroom! What a nogoodnik. That's a noun
that's almost appropriate. Slob. That's a little bit closer.
I'm not drinking from the bottom of the cup. I remember, I once was
eating an ice cream cone, when I was about 8-10, and the top was falling off, so
I wiped it against the top of a outside garbage can, and was about to continue
eating it, from where I wiped it off. Cause I wasn't really thinking.
And my Dad was like,No! Don't Do It! And I stopped
just in time.The reason I remember is because he tells me about it
every week. Anyway, what the what. Another memory just popped
into my head. I was about eleven or twelve, and there was an all girl
sleep-over, one was having a birthday. And boys were there, but obviously
not for sleeping over. But I was the last one to leave, and I was really
trying to stay there. Because of the possibility they'd gang rape me.
And they were open to it. Me staying there, not necessarily the
gang-raping part. But isn't that implied?Anyway, my Dad
picked me up before anything could happen.Also, I had forgotten to
get her a birthday present, so, in a moment of panic, I just took one of my old
stuffed animals from my room, and gave that to her. And she was IMing me a
week later, Oh, I was playing with your gift with my sister, and the head
came off. And I'm pretty sure then she knew it was an old piece of
shit. So, that's how that goes. Oh well, you win some, you lose
some. Anyway, time to finish up the entry. Still got aways to go.
What else is going on. I'm literally getting hot resting my palms on my
laptop. I guess I picked a winner there.
Alright, last paragraph time. Okay. I gotta get a
yoga mat. That sounds like a lot of work. First, there's going to
Modells. Then, there's getting the mat. Then, going home.
That's three things! Who has the ability to do three concurrent things.
Not I. What else is going on. I guess I can do the open mic
tomorrow. It's possible. Probably not, though. Anyway, see ya
February 3, 2015
T Is For Title
Hi! I came from class! Two classes. And a break
in-between. One break! And pizza was eaten. Pi..z.. eh, forget
it. Nobody cares, they're here to read about misunderstanding sports teams
names and terribly drawn stick figures with irreverent and irreverently
irrelevant things to say. The yoga class was mind blowing. Third
eye? I'll be happy once I get my fifth, sixth, and seventh eyes under
control. But, any progress is good progress. That's why people love
Rush so much. It's weird, trying to reach a natural, peaceful state, while
having girls asses right in front of you. I can't stare, that's
ainnaprprorriate. And I don't really want to, because I have some action
that I have to focus on, like clasping my hands or tightening my hips, or
whatever bullshit. But, am I just supposed to 100% ignore it? That's
not natural. I'm drinking Natural Light. If anything, that's
not natural. I turned it into a topical humor joke! Good for me.
I made sure to pick the one spot in the room that had the mirror in the front
blocked out. I don't wanna see me do stuff. I don't even like doin'
stuff, having to see it unfold would just be doubly bad. Also, English
class? I went to use the bathroom, and she was like, "Please don't do
that in the future, it distracts the class." So I was like, yeah,
okay. When I came back, my phone rang, and she got slightly more pissed.
Please turn off your phone. So, I meant to, but after trying and
putting it into my pocket, I realized it was still on. But I didn't wanna
take it out again, and distract the class more. So I made a leveled
decision to just hope it didn't ring again. And, lo and behold, it did.
And she went, "In the future, don't even bother coming to class." I
kid you not. I tried to make up for it twenty minutes later by making some
relevant comment, and she did say, "That's a good point..." and went on, so
hopefully we're cool now. But, especially after that second phone ring, I
felt like,everyone thinks I'm trying to be an asshole troublemaker,
most of all, her. And I was like, "No, I'm Sorry, Really, No, Please,
Forgive Me!" Coincidently, that's how my sex-talk goes. I
haven't had sex in a while, but I imagine my sex talk would probably be along
the lines of, "Mmm, I like sex. Keep doin' it. Alright."
So, I had a seven hour day. That's actually close to
normal. Not bad, not bad. DUHHHHHHHh and my mind is out of things to talk
about. I did a two paragraphs, that's pretty good. The worst part
was the break in-between. I was actually forced to read the assignment for
Thursday's English class. Me Read Book? That's Annoyable.
Look, if I'm not in it, what do I care. If it was a book about me,
sure, I'll read it. That's pertinent information. Gotta know what
happens. But if it's not about me, I'll just be like,When does
it get to the part about me? I don't understand. That line of
joke is brought to you by referential thinking. Referential Thinking: When
Paranoia and Delusions of Grandeur Combine. At least my third eye knows
what's up.Pretty much all my third eye was thinking about was
Hey, remember the band Third Eye Blind. Eyes don't think, but you get
the idea. And then when that thought was thunk out, I started thinking,Hey, remember Weezer? I bet he likes Yoga. I think he's a
yoga-ist. And then when that thought run out, a little bit of Lisa
Simpson. I didn't get to Lisa Simpson until a sentence ago.
That's the third third eye reference. I think the concept of the third eye
lends itself well to comedy, since comedy comes in threes. One for each
eye. Fair and square.There's a pretty good chance I don't
understand comedy, or third eyes, or numbers, or squares. Anyway, what the what. The first thing I thought to
say about Third Eyes, was to quote Little Nicky, which I re-saw a couple of days
ago, when he says, "Popeye's Chicken Is Fuckin' Awesome!" And it turned
out extra appropriate because of the use of the noun, "Eyes." Funny how
the universe works, ain't it.That's third eyes, for ya.
No it isn't.It might be, you don't know.
I remember I used to get Popeye's chicken sometimes when I lived on Water
St. That's relevant because that's what the thing what I was talking about
what. That had good biscuits, or fries, or something. I might be
thinking of chicken. Relatively certain they served chicken. It's
weird, for some reason, that's the period of my life I've been thinking about in
memories the last week or so. Like, sometimes, when I'm goin' to sleep,
especially, I'll just start goin' through memories. And that, second
semester sophomore year, living in Water St, trying in earnest to pursue music
in my childish view of what that meant. Which basically entailed writing
3-6 crappy songs I thought were gold, drinking whiskey and smoking herb every
night, eating pizza or fast food or empanadas, listening to podcasts, writing in
a journal (a real, paper journal, where I talked more about ideas and crap, not
really meant to be funny for the most part). In many ways, it was the
renaissance of my life. In many other ways, it was a complete waste of
time which set me off on the wrong path in life, possibly irreversibly. Sure
was fun, though. That's fun, and crap. I wonder what phase of my
life I'll mull over next. I hope it's elementary school birthday parties.
Just think about all that Cruisin' USA, and air hockey, and cupcakes. I
remember I used to love QZAR, well, the idea of it. In practice, people
always would just hit you with their guns, and shoot you that way. There's
no fun in that. You gotta shoot from a distance. That's the fun
part. Hitting your gun into someone and shooting from a distance of 0.0
feet, that's just unsportsmanlike. Also, it hurts. Those guns are
heavy. I remember, I once went with a friend, because we were pumped up
for some laser tag, but because there wasn't a birthday, it was just a 2x2 game.
That's not so much fun. 90% of the time, you're just walking around,
lookin' for the other team. Anyway. I wish I could have Yoga every
day. Except not tomorrow, I need a break. And the next day, probably
want another break. Oh well. Man, is it great to be doin' stuff
though. You guys who always do stuff don't know what you've got.
Alright, gettin' close to the end. See how quickly it
goes when I do stuff to talk about? Life lesson there. Do stuff,
so you can talk about stuff. I like going through the yoga motions for
the first time, because it's sort of accepted that you don't know what you're
doing, so I was just like, "I'm gonna go for it, don't matter if it's right or
not, I'm movin' shit around!" And that's acceptable in that beginners
atmosphere. And I don't know if it's right or not, but it feels right,
that's all I know. One thing I don't like, is that it's confusing for the
teacher to be facing the students. Cause I have to reverse everything.
I mean, there's a mirror in the front. She should just face the mirror
like the rest of us, and we can see through the mirror. That's how I would
run a yoga class. Anyway. Wrappin' it up time. Smoking isn't
allowed on the Queens College Campus, but when I am faced with the decision of
walking fifteen minutes both ways to smoke a cigarette, I figure,II
should just smoke it outside the building. There's no campus security
there, there's no one to reprimand me. But I play by the rules.
That's something important to know about me. You make up some rules, I'll
play by them. I'm no troublemaker, despite what my bladder or inability to
turn off phones may say about me. See ya later.
February 2, 2015
Ain't No Title Like a Crazysheet Title
Hi jerks. It's me, captain jerk. I'm Captain Jerk
Sparrow. That's from a commercial for something. I wanna say
pirate college. Possibly Long John Silvers. In pirate college, if
you lead a mutiny and take over the college, you get an A, right? That's
what you're supposed to be learning. Also, Long John Silvers is a porn
star, right? The first robot porn star, if I'm not mistaken.
I guess he could just be an elderly, his hair is silver. Either way,no way am I watching that shit. Well, maybe once. But
then, never again.Well, maybe one more time.
Okay, that's it.Alright, once more, oh
yeah. And then on to something else. Such
is the life of the jerk-off junkie. Anyway, what else is going on.
Back to original format, black background, white font! It's just like
seeing an old friend. And writing crap all over his face. I bet, at
some point, maybe not soon, but eventually, a company, probably Taco Bell, will
advertise a system where they pay you to get a tattoo of their logo on your
face. It's only a matter of time.That's sorta like what
happened in Idiocracy. But, when you think about it, I thought of it
first. Keep thinking about it until you reach that conclusion.
Or don't. I'm not here to force you to do anything you don't want to.
I'm here to suggest you find amusement in things I've written. My doctor's
a real pervert. I was talking to him about smoking, and he was like,
why do you smoke? And I was like,well, I'm addicted.
It's chemically addictive. And he was like,No, no, that's
not it. You crave it. Right? You crave cigarettes.
And I was like,no, I don't. And he was like,
yeah, yeah, you do. And I wanted to punch him in the face.
Look, Doc, the only thing I crave is White Castle Hamburgers, and that's because
the commercial told me to. I can't punch him in the face, though, can
I? If I did that, it's a month in the hospital.
Anyway, new paragraph. I also crave those crazy
squares. Again, because commercials told me to. Anyway. My
third string back-up joke that I wrote, literally, the least likely one I'd say,
was, "Remember The Titans? I do. The movie told me to." I
don't even know why I wrote it, I know it's terrible. I guess I figured,
the more, the merrier. Writing it down couldn'thurt.
And also, I do have another joke about titles, one that's worth saying, so it
would fit. Now that I think about it, about 60% of my jokes are about
titles, in one way or another.That's a bald faced lie.
It's probably only like 25%. So, I heard the pay try outs won the
Superbowl. Not bad for a team of paid try-outs.That's
right, a title joke. What else is going on in the wide world of
sports. Football's over. Now, it's time for whatever comes next.
Groundhog's Day? I find it kind of insulting that we celebrate Martin
Luther King Jr. the same amount as we celebrate a groundhog. Hey,
Martin Luther King never predicted how long winter will last.I, Have a Dream, That Winter Will Last Six More Weeks.
Because he saw his shadow, that's why. I, Have a Dream, That One
Day, There Will Be a Children's Cartoon, Where The Main Character's Best Friend
Is Green, But We All Know He's Black. Man, he nailed that one.
I remember, I used to think the Doug theme song, the doo-doo-doo-doo-doo thing,
If you've heard it, they were saying,Ju-dith, Judith, Judith...
Cause his sister's name was Judith. And the doo-doo's sounded like
Ju-dith's. Anyway. What else is going on. Got classes
tomorrow. That's how that goes. I find it odd that the entire
country celebrates Groundhog's Day. That's like something a small region
in Eastern Europe would celebrate in the 1300's. The fact that it's caught
on in 20th-21st century America is kind of ridiculous. Anyway.
That's pretty much how I feel about things. Indeed. I don't like Bud
Light. Bud already means marijuana. Get your own name. What
else is going on. February, huh. I can handle that. Next is
March, that much I know. After that, April. I can do this.
I've gone through the months of the year 26 times, I think I can handle it at
least once more.Man, I'm 26. I feel like a cross
between nineteen and seven. It's been seven years since I was 19.
Maybe that's relevant. Probably not, though.Stupid second
grader mind.I, Have a Dream, That One Day, People Will Age
Backwards. Then the crowd kind of looks around at each other, and
go,"Huh?" He dropped the Benjamin Button bomb before people
were ready for it. I remember when I got out of the hospital for the first
time, the first two movies I saw were Benjamin Button and Yes Man. Which
was the start of a long stream of seeing movies over the past six years. I
think I also went to see Australia, but got bored and left. I'm not sure.
I might just be remembering seeing a commercial for Australia, and getting bored
and changing the channel.
Anyway. Third paragraph with, "Anyway," to open it.
That's something worth celebrating. One would imagine. I think the
only reason I went to see Australia was because there was a song called
Australia by The Shins at the time, and I liked the song. I thought the
movie would be more related to the song, or something. I don't know.
This was a long time ago. I'm not on trial here. Yeah. The
only thing I crave is sanity. It's been so long, I can hardly remember it.
But I remember it being a mostly positive experience. Oh, yeah, and
cigarettes. I crave cigarettes. Honestly, I smoke because I'm bored.
I never feel, I need to have a cigarette. I just smoke cigarettes
throughout the day without really thinking about it.
Last paragraph time. This went well. Not really.
It sure went, though. Now that it's over, what to do. Write another
entry? Go to sleep? Eat lunch? A combination of the three?
Go another lunch it is, then. Lunch is great. I like lunch.
Lunch, lunch, lunch. I mean, just imagine someone saying,Hey,
we're getting lunch, you in? Hell yes! I love lunch.
That's how I feel about things. Anyway, see ya later.
February 1, 2015
I'm As Serious As Herpes
More or less, I guess. For one of my possible open mic
jokes, I need to pick a disease that sounds funny. I've already narrowed
it down to venereal diseases. I'm feelin' pretty good about herpes, but
something tells me there's a better one out there. Gonorrhea? That's
a little too thinky. Anything the audience can't spell on their first
attempt, that's a sign it's too thinky. I should know, I've done six
minutes of stage time. AIDS is depressing. Anyway, there's like
a 50% chance I won't even use this joke. I've mapped out about 15 jokes,
five or six definites, and the rest I'm not sure of yet. Some of my jokes
are sort of dated. I've got twenty minutes on the Nagano Olympics.
Another twenty on Lake Placid. (Twenty on the Lake Placid Olympics, twenty
on Lake Placid the movie) What's bobsledding? I don't know what
that is! That's how that one goes. iTunes changed it's format.
The font is different. They essentially changed all music. Different
font for title and artist information, totally different song.
Where do they get off, that's what I want to know. Hey, you ever notice
how iTunes changed it's format? Make that an even 16 possible jokes!
That's not a terrible silly joke to make. You ever notice how...
and then it's a joke about something that happened once, preferably a current
thing. That's the kind of joke I would use if I were still 14. Now,
I realize it's pretty stupid. You ever notice how the Superbowl is
tonight? It has it's charm, I suppose.
There's a pretty good chance I won't do an open mic anytime
soon. Whatever. What else is going on as we speak. I
know what you're thinking. Did Tom Petty and George Stephanopoulos have a
baby? I don't know who Tom Petty is, really. And I forget who
George Stephanopoulos is. I think he worked for Clinton. I know
what you're thinking. This guy is about to tell jokes of varying quality,
with possible success or misfortune. Yeah. I know what you're
thinking... That's right, I'm a psychic. Ok. I know what
you're thinking. ... ... Alright, now tell me whatI'm
thinking!I wanna do the Maury, "I Am The Father!"joke, but I don't think I could sell it. I guess we'll see.
Speaking of seeing, last open mic, I did the Dracula, "I never thought I'd see
the day," joke, because someone previously had mentioned Dracula. Gotta
tell you, didn't go over well. Like, two seconds of silence, then
literally one person just said, "Oh, I get it." Oh well, live and learn.
Now I know, for the future, use Gremlins as the set-up for the joke.
People love gremlins, they'll laugh at anything to do with gremlins. This
I learned from my five minutes of stage time.Mentioning gremlins
kills. If I cant sell a Mickey Mouse voice, how am I supposed to sell
original jokes. That was nine years ago. Yeah, but if
anything, you're ability to joke out loud has decreased. You've
decreased! Shut up! Anyway, what. When I was putting jokes together
yesterday, I had the feeling, this might actually go adequately.
The jokes are decent. I'd say, "Oh, I get it," to most of them. This
morning, I was in and out of sleep to some church service that they were showing
on T.V. So, now I feel the Lord is in me! All sunshine and
daffodils. If you were allowed to lay down and go in and out of sleep in
church, I might consider going. That sounds pretty fun. Oh, I get
it. You liar, there's nothing there to get! I trapped you in
your own web of lies!Oh, I see. Aannnnd I'm going
crazy. What else is up. Hey, it's a new month. That's
exciting. That's how that goes. What else is going on. Today's
the Superbowl. I'm rooting for the balls, and the referees.
Everything else, I couldn't care less about. I guess I should root for the
GoDaddy commercials, because without them, there would be no crazysheet. I
mean, I could always have registered the domain and pay for the web hosting with
another company. But I've been with these guys for over a decade, gotta
have some brand loyalty, do you not? Although, their commercials are
notoriously stupid. Oh well. At least their name is appropriate,
because, fourteen years ago, I had to go through my Dad to register this stuff.So, Go Daddy? Yes, indeed, I can relate to that. Okay, yup. Daddy, Can I Have Website? Peez.
Peez, Daddy? That's how I sounded when I was a twelve year old girl.
I'm out of cigarettes. Just kidding. I found a pack. I sure
had you going there for a minute, huh. That's what Chris Christie said
earlier this week. I Found a Pac. Good for him. Gotta
work on his grammar a little bit, but his heart is in the right place.
It's just clogged with pork fat and cheese. Let's move on. I guess.
I can't watch the Superbowl, it's past my bed time. I am just realizing
this. Now I feel bad for Chris Christie. Poor guy. He never
did nothin' to nobody. I'm looking forward to that upcoming movie where
Batman and Superman form a Super Pact. Not really. It just seemed
like the appropriate thing to say. What else is going on. Let's see.
I talked about Superbowl. I talked about potential comedy performance.
I think I had a dream where Hey Ya was playing. I forget the context.
That's a quotable notable. Except not really quotable. Or notable.
So, I guess throw out that idea. Anyway, see ya later.