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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Dear Website, Help Me!

    I gotta think of a joke for next week's class.  Think of a joke, explain why it's funny.  I ran by two of my classics for my Mom and Brother.  Neither understood them.  Not even just didn't think they're funny, flat out were confused by them.  That's no good.  Now I gotta think of a joke.  Just my luck.  Let's see.  How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb.  How many?  Go Fuck Yourself!  That could be a joke.  Plus, I get to skip explaining why it's funny, because it isn't.  That works out nicely.  Jeez.  I'm gonna write a multiple of paragraphs right now.  Odds are there's a chance there might possibly be a joke perhaps.  You never know.
    Anyway, let's see, life, life.  First class of Fall today.  Comedy!  Teacher was defending Carlos Mencia, he was like, In the past, that's what we did, we retold each others' jokes and stories, we didn't have T.V. or Internet.  And I was like, Yeah, but he profits-- he makes money-- from other people's jokes.  Then my Professor shut up for a couple of seconds, one can only assume to make the mental note of, "Michael=Asshole."  Anyway.  Let's see, crap and crap.  The class wasn't great, but it definitely could be worse.  It'll be okay one would imagine.  Plus, I didn't have to use the bathroom once during class!  Looks like I'm great.
    Let's see, joke, joke.  Why did the chicken cross the road.  Why?  Get Fucked You Jerkhole!  We'll put that in the maybe pile.  Great, now I gotta make piles.  Whatta joke.  I must have some joke I can use.  I like the show Medium because it says how good it is right in the title.  That's From Fifteen Years Ago.  Yeah!  That's why it's funny!  Done and done.  Can't do that.  Oh well.  Oh, I know.  Why Not.  A, please.  I learnt it from the internet.  What else is going on.  No one else likes the jokes I like.  Wouldn't it be funny if you were buried alive?  Well, not to you, but to your enemies.  That's hilarious.  Because it implies you have enemies.  Why would you have enemies.  Also, shock value.  Being buried alive is funny?  How Da-- OH, YOU SAID I HAVE ENEMIES!  WHY WOULD I HAVE ENEMIES!  Joke'd 'Em. 
    I don't get people who run marathons-- hasn't anyone ever told them you can't run away from your problems?  WORD PLAY!  GREAT!  No one's on board with me except myself.  Oh well.  Why does it have to be marathons, why can't it be sprints.  Why can't it be marathons?  What do you have against marathons?  What's people's problems, am I right.  What else is going on.  Entries here have become pretty sporadic.  I learnt that word from Paul Rudd.  What else is going on.  I had a dream I had to debate Donald Trump.  And I wasn't prepared.  And I was like Fuck.  Because I wasn't prepared and would let everybody down.  Oh well, live and learn.  What else is going on.  Oh, I know.  Why Not.  You know, sporadically? 
    What else is going on.  Fifth paragraph in this shizzle.  Have a classmate from my Spring Class and one from my Summer Class.  They said hello to me like I'm a human being, which it turns out I am.  Alright!  Book about Comedy called Inside Comedy.  If that's the kind of humor they're advocating, not impressed.  Wordplay?  Let's get real.  Gotta write my final paper on why Carlos Mencia is a hero.  Oh well.  Crap and crap.  Been watching a lot of movies lately.  The kind of movies I knew would be decent, but never got around to watching.  If not now, when.  If not when, who.  If not who, Rolling Stones.  Crap and crap.  I'm still halfway through The The Who book.  Well, the Peter Townshendheim book.  Haven't made a dent since last June.  Well, once I read about ten pages since then.  Wanna say around this April or May.  So I am still wrapped up in books.
    That's good news.  Books are probably great for some reason.  I really don't want to do it, but I've given some almost preliminary thoughts to going back into teaching.  English teaching.  No way, I can't do that!  Gotta do something.  Not that!  Something.  Not!  I am planning on getting my guitar fixed, though.  I can sink sinker into that clunk.  At least I wouldn't have to teach anyone anything.  Jeez, can you imagine anything worse?  Havin' to impart your worldly knowledge on a younger person.  No thank you.  What else is going on.  Lets see, joke, joke.  This Class Is a Joke!  Go Fuck Yourselves!  That would instigate some class discussion and perhaps a trip to the dean's office.
Alright!  Seventh paragraph!  The good news is I found my nail clipper.  Big game for The Mets today.  3.5 games behind Wild Card or 5.5.  Make or break time.  Do or die.  Another metaphor.  A lot of people are giving Terry Collins some slack, but at least he never forfeited a game before it started.  That would be a real bozo move.  He's never done that.  Could be worse, is all I'm saying.  Watched some of that documentary on Strawberry and Gooden.  Took place in a diner.  I like that.  Good piece.  Strawberry fields forever.  Whenever I think of that song title, I imagine the Simpsons where Darryl Strawberry is crying in right field because Bart is taunting him.  And just imagine he's crying because he has to field forever.  Whatta curse.
    Anyway, crap and carp.  Got to admit it's gettin' Gooden.  Gettin' Gooden all the time.  Whatta clunker.  Anyway, what else. I hope one game this season, pivotal game, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, down by one run, two outs, CRASH!  STONE COLD MUSIC STARTS PLAYING.  Crowd goes wild.  Strikes out on three pitches, he's not a baseball player.  Mets lose their chances at a Wild Card.  Everyone goes home miserable.  Let's hope that happens, right?  Give me a hundred words on why Larry The Cable Guy is a genius.  What have I gotten myself into, right?!  Why not.  Oh boy.  I lost interest in wrestling when the WWF became the WWE.  The entire federation lost a main championship belt to a wildlife organization.  Whatta blow to their collective egos.  I got no time for losers.
    Lost five pounds over the last three or four months.  Alright!  I'll be attractive someday, you'll see.  And you all doubted me.  What's crap and going on.  Ninth paragraph!  I've gotten into the habit of specifically writing entries after riding the bus.  Just gets me in the zone.  There was a sign on the bus saying This Is Bus 2882, or whatever number.  At first I didn't register the number, so I just saw, This Is Bus.  And I was like, It sure is.  Way to go.  What else is going on.  I left my bottled drink at the liquor store yet again.  Told myself I wouldn't.  Right before.  Still did.  I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
    Anyway, great.  Crap and crap.  Still muckin' around in online poker.  Should be doin' better, should be playing at more reasonable stakes compared to my bankroll.  Oh well.  What can I do.  Thinkin' about making the switch from cash games to sit 'n gos.  I'll keep you updated on this fascinating situation.  Probably not.  I'll be Busto by the time the next entry comes along.  I did some research and apparently you can smoke cigarettes around gas stations.  Whew.  Whatta gamechanger and so on.  Let's see, what else and crap.  There's probably some good movies available I haven't seen that I can watch.  I sank real low last night, though, watching Short Circuit II.  Which I had seen, but not in a long time.  Turns out It's Terrible.  Who would have guessed.   
What else.  Eleventh paragraph.  Could end at any time, now.  Well, at the end of any paragraph, at least.  Still haven't thought of a joke.  It's hard to will a joke out of thin air.  Gotta start with something.  Right now all I have is Gotta Think Of a Joke.  That's my jumping off point.  And if I can fit in Carlos Mencia is an asshole somehow into it, that would be appropriate.  Technically he said, if you can't think of a joke, just use one you've heard.  But thinking of jokes is my jam.  If not now, when.  If not when, now.  That settles that.  Person from my Spring Class was reading a book before class, I asked what it was about, she said, It's like The Hunger Games combined with Game of Thrones.  And I was like, So it's like The Hunger Game of Thrones.  That's a joke.  Why can't I think of some genius like that again.
    Twelfth paragraph, though.  I may not think of a single joke, but if I get to fifteen paragraphs, that's still quite the achievement.  What else and crap.  In the dream, I got to the debate, totally blank on everything, took the first question, and was like, Ok, I got this.  Then I woke up.  What else is going on.  I'm pretty sure I have UHF on DVD.  Can't find it.  That would be a welcome movie to watch and whatnot.  Too bad I don't have a Smart T.V.  Could watch Netflix and crap on it.  I'm through with watching crap on my computer.  It's beneath me.  Time to move on to bigger and better things. 
    Three paragraphs to go!  I can do that crap.  Do it hardcore.  My favorite part of class is introducing myself.  Let everyone know what I'm all about.  Then go Bo-Ring! when the next person starts.  That'll learn them to try to compete with me.  Anyway.  Call up Music Shop tomorrow to see if they can fix Guitar.  If so, bring it by this weekend hopefully, get it back next week.  Then I'm back in business.  Make some crap.  I can do that hardcore.  Next class that starts next week is Poetry.  Write some poetry hardcore, and whatnot.  I've got things to do, is what I'm trying to say.  Things hardcore. 
    Two to go!  Alright.  Went through all of yesterday without drinking.  Alcohol.  Both positive and negative results.  For most of it, I was like, I feel exactly the same, I can do without it.  Then, some times, I was like, I want a drink.  How Dare You, the Universe, for not letting me drink.  So, that's something that's got to be addressed eventually.  Can't do this forever.  If I ever want to debate Donald Trump, I'm gonna need to hunker down and get serious.  The stakes are too high.  Too high. 
    Last paragraph!  I did it hardcore.  What else is going on.  Started watching Cocoon last night.  Cocoon!  I knew going into it that it wasn't for me.  Fifteen minutes in, I get aggravated, This crap isn't for me!  If only I had listened to myself ahead of time.  Class schedule, schedule-wise, is pretty great.  Four days a week, one class a day, have to get up at 12:00-12:15.  By no means a difficult time to wake up at, but better than the 1:30-2:30 that I've been averaging.  I'm a regular person more or less. Schedule-wise.  Not really.  That's great.  I can make a joke about schedules.  With the joke not just saying schedule-wise multiple times and imagining that's humorous for some reason.  I'll see ya later.

-5:00 P.M.   


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

No You Idiots I'm Supposed To Win

    I'm doing terrible at poker.  The worst part is going on tilt.  You can't go on tilt in life.  There's a lesson to be learned there.  Don't leave the house, nothin' can put you on tilt.  That's why I'm writing this entry.  On tilt.  Need some positive reinforcement.  Also, I just started a month.  Now I gotta do it again?  There's nothing that bad about starting a month.  No reason to go on tilt because of it.  Calm.  Steady.  Keep going.  That's the bad part about tilt, you gotta keep going whether yuo like it or not.  Sure, you can quit the poker game, but you're still on tilt in real life.  And it's really hard to double up in real life.  Believe me, I tried.  What the Hell am I supposed to do.  Take a Klonopin.  Sure, that would work, but I have a great stretch of having taken only one klonopin in like four months.  Great. 
    The good news is it turns out I'm terrible.  That's a life lesson.  Turns out I'm terrible.  Good to know.  I always try to qualify it when I drop a dollar or two.  Well, I just lost a dollar, but the Mets are winning.  In the grand scheme of things, isn't the Mets moving one game up in the wild card more important than me and my measly dollar.  Probably, except one dollar is like 10% of my life savings.  Means a lot to me.  Too bad there are no stakes lower than 1 cent/2 cent.  I need players more on my level.  The terrible level.  Between playing online poker, both real and play money, watching final tables on YouTube, following the WSOP, I've become temporarily addicted to poker.  I unwittingly allowed it to take over my entire empty life.  Need something else to replace it, that's all.
    What can I do to replace it.  Read books?  Yeah, get real.  Books are for nerds.  Plus, books can put you on tilt.  Probably.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Mets are killing it.  They're batting infinity against the Yankees as of now.  NotNot really infinity, it's 1.000.  A thousand is infinity to me, what with my two dollar life savings.  Batting average and dollar amounts do not compute.  Oh well, live and learn.  I now have a third box of Product 19 in my room.  It's separate from the other two, though.  Not in a 191919 situation quite yet.  The moral of the story is my life is going nowhere.  Let's get on track with this entry.  I don't need to be tilting anymore.  I ain't playing pinball or crap.
    Pinball is the worst game in the arcade.  It's time has come and gone.  Now people want to play NFL Blitz.  Anyway.  If you win enough tickets, can you buy the arcade?  Seems like there must be some monetary amount.  One ticket is maybe worth half a cent.  You get together billions of tickets, you can invest in your hobby.  They'd probably run out of tickets at several hundred thousands.  Whatta gip.  Turns out arcades are a scam.  Whatever, just give me the wax moustache.  That's how I feel.  Goin' on tilt.  It's like, I make a mistake, and then I'm like, I'll show you guys a mistake, let's keep it goin'.  Anyway.  I don't get it.  I'm supposed to be good at things.  At least poker is nothing like life.  If it was, I'd have the username Pokermon, because in life, I'm great at titling.
    If someone didn't like my titles, that would put me on some tilt for sure.  At least I still have forty cents in my life savings.  I got that going for me.  I don't get the idea of real piggy banks.  Modern ones, you can open some plastic thing, get the coins in it, no problem.  The classic piggy bank, you have to break open.  Seems to me like a waste of money on the piggy bank itself.  I get the logic, that it acts as a deterrent from you using the money.  But, let's get real, you just wasted several dollars on a bank that you'll never be able to use again.  That's no good.  Piggy from Lord of the Flies would be a good banker.  Let's talk about it.  You know, cause he wears glasses.  Good guy.
    Anyway, great.  Halfway through the entry.  The best part about poker is I get to choose where I sit.  Can sit anywhere on the screen, and the other players at the table rotate appropriately.  It's like a game of musical chairs where everybody wins.  Except for those who go on tilt.  They lose in the long run.  The Mets just lost their lead.  Nothing is right in the world.  You know, my poker bankroll, and The Mets.  That's life I guess.  Crap and crap.  I'm so on tilt I can't decide when I want to eat dinner.  Now, thirty minutes from now.  Too many choices.  I want to retreat into a embryo pose.  Nothing can hurt me then. 
    Great, crap and crap, and whatcrap.  Decreased my Crossword ability, too.  Can't focus.  Can't even get one word without cheating and getting a letter or two.  That's no good.  This'll be the last paragraph.  Then, embryo-mode.  At least I get to sit where I want.  Gotta stay positive.  Anyway, Get a load of these people playing Pokemon, they can find any pokemon, but they can't find a life!  Zinged 'em and whatnot.  I'm in no position to zing people.  Whatta world.  I can't even play electric guitar.  The input jack is broken and there's no way to fix that.  Anyway, I'll see ya later.

-7:38 P.M.