Thursday, August 25, 2016
Dear Website, Help Me!
I gotta think of a joke
for next week's class. Think of a joke, explain why it's funny. I
ran by two of my classics for my Mom and Brother. Neither understood them.
Not even just didn't think they're funny, flat out were confused by them.
That's no good. Now I gotta think of a joke. Just my luck.
Let's see. How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb.
How many? Go Fuck Yourself! That could be a joke.
Plus, I get to skip explaining why it's funny, because it isn't. That
works out nicely. Jeez. I'm gonna write a multiple of paragraphs
right now. Odds are there's a chance there might possibly be a joke
perhaps. You never know.
Anyway, let's see, life, life. First class of Fall
today. Comedy! Teacher was defending Carlos Mencia, he was like,
In the past, that's what we did, we retold each others' jokes and stories, we
didn't have T.V. or Internet. And I was like, Yeah, but he
profits-- he makes money-- from other people's jokes. Then my
Professor shut up for a couple of seconds, one can only assume to make the
mental note of, "Michael=Asshole." Anyway. Let's see, crap
and crap. The class wasn't great, but it definitely could be worse.
It'll be okay one would imagine. Plus, I didn't have to use the bathroom
once during class! Looks like I'm great.
Let's see, joke, joke. Why did the chicken cross the
road. Why? Get Fucked You Jerkhole! We'll
put that in the maybe pile. Great, now I gotta make piles.
Whatta joke. I must have some joke I can use. I like the show
Medium because it says how good it is right in the title. That's
From Fifteen Years Ago. Yeah! That's why it's funny! Done
and done. Can't do that. Oh well. Oh, I know.
Why Not. A, please. I learnt it from the internet.
What else is going on. No one else likes the jokes I like.
Wouldn't it be funny if you were buried alive? Well, not to you, but to
your enemies. That's hilarious. Because it implies you have
enemies. Why would you have enemies. Also, shock value.
Being buried alive is funny? How Da-- OH, YOU SAID I HAVE ENEMIES!
WHY WOULD I HAVE ENEMIES! Joke'd 'Em.
I don't get people who run marathons-- hasn't anyone ever
told them you can't run away from your problems? WORD PLAY!
GREAT! No one's on board with me except myself. Oh well.
Why does it have to be marathons, why can't it be sprints. Why can't
it be marathons? What do you have against marathons? What's people's
problems, am I right. What else is going on. Entries here have
become pretty sporadic. I learnt that word from Paul Rudd. What else
is going on. I had a dream I had to debate Donald Trump. And I
wasn't prepared. And I was like Fuck. Because I wasn't
prepared and would let everybody down. Oh well, live and learn. What
else is going on. Oh, I know. Why Not. You know,
What else is going on. Fifth paragraph in this shizzle.
Have a classmate from my Spring Class and one from my Summer Class. They
said hello to me like I'm a human being, which it turns out I am. Alright!
Book about Comedy called Inside Comedy. If that's the kind of humor
they're advocating, not impressed. Wordplay? Let's get real.
Gotta write my final paper on why Carlos Mencia is a hero. Oh well.
Crap and crap. Been watching a lot of movies lately. The kind of
movies I knew would be decent, but never got around to watching. If not
now, when. If not when, who. If not who, Rolling Stones. Crap
and crap. I'm still halfway through The The Who book. Well, the
Peter Townshendheim book. Haven't made a dent since last June. Well,
once I read about ten pages since then. Wanna say around this April or
May. So I am still wrapped up in books.
That's good news. Books are probably great for some
reason. I really don't want to do it, but I've given some almost
preliminary thoughts to going back into teaching. English teaching.
No way, I can't do that! Gotta do something. Not that!
Something. Not! I am planning on getting my guitar fixed,
though. I can sink sinker into that clunk. At least I wouldn't have
to teach anyone anything. Jeez, can you imagine anything worse?
Havin' to impart your worldly knowledge on a younger person. No
thank you. What else is going on. Lets see, joke, joke.
This Class Is a Joke! Go Fuck Yourselves! That would instigate
some class discussion and perhaps a trip to the dean's office.
Alright! Seventh paragraph! The good news is
I found my nail clipper. Big game for The Mets today. 3.5 games
behind Wild Card or 5.5. Make or break time. Do or die.
Another metaphor. A lot of people are giving Terry Collins some slack, but
at least he never forfeited a game before it started. That would be a real
bozo move. He's never done that. Could be worse, is all I'm saying.
Watched some of that documentary on Strawberry and Gooden. Took place in a
diner. I like that. Good piece. Strawberry fields forever.
Whenever I think of that song title, I imagine the Simpsons where Darryl
Strawberry is crying in right field because Bart is taunting him. And just
imagine he's crying because he has to field forever. Whatta curse.
Anyway, crap and carp. Got to admit it's gettin'
Gooden. Gettin' Gooden all the time. Whatta clunker.
Anyway, what else. I hope one game this season, pivotal game, bottom of the
ninth, bases loaded, down by one run, two outs, CRASH! STONE COLD MUSIC
STARTS PLAYING. Crowd goes wild. Strikes out on three pitches,
he's not a baseball player. Mets lose their chances at a Wild Card.
Everyone goes home miserable. Let's hope that happens, right?
Give me a hundred words on why Larry The Cable Guy is a genius. What
have I gotten myself into, right?! Why not. Oh boy. I lost
interest in wrestling when the WWF became the WWE. The entire federation
lost a main championship belt to a wildlife organization. Whatta blow to
their collective egos. I got no time for losers.
Lost five pounds over the last three or four months.
Alright! I'll be attractive someday, you'll see. And you all
doubted me. What's crap and going on. Ninth paragraph!
I've gotten into the habit of specifically writing entries after riding the bus.
Just gets me in the zone. There was a sign on the bus saying This Is
Bus 2882, or whatever number. At first I didn't register the number,
so I just saw, This Is Bus. And I was like, It sure is.
Way to go. What else is going on. I left my bottled drink at the
liquor store yet again. Told myself I wouldn't. Right before.
Still did. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
Anyway, great. Crap and crap. Still muckin'
around in online poker. Should be doin' better, should be playing at more
reasonable stakes compared to my bankroll. Oh well. What can I
do. Thinkin' about making the switch from cash games to sit 'n gos.
I'll keep you updated on this fascinating situation. Probably not.
I'll be Busto by the time the next entry comes along. I did some research
and apparently you can smoke cigarettes around gas stations. Whew.
Whatta gamechanger and so on. Let's see, what else and crap. There's
probably some good movies available I haven't seen that I can watch. I
sank real low last night, though, watching Short Circuit II. Which I had
seen, but not in a long time. Turns out It's Terrible. Who
would have guessed.
What else. Eleventh paragraph. Could end at
any time, now. Well, at the end of any paragraph, at least. Still
haven't thought of a joke. It's hard to will a joke out of thin air.
Gotta start with something. Right now all I have is Gotta Think Of a
Joke. That's my jumping off point. And if I can fit in Carlos
Mencia is an asshole somehow into it, that would be appropriate.
Technically he said, if you can't think of a joke, just use one you've heard.
But thinking of jokes is my jam. If not now, when. If not when, now.
That settles that. Person from my Spring Class was reading a book before
class, I asked what it was about, she said, It's like The Hunger Games
combined with Game of Thrones. And I was like, So it's like The
Hunger Game of Thrones. That's a joke. Why can't I think of some
genius like that again.
Twelfth paragraph, though. I may not think of a single
joke, but if I get to fifteen paragraphs, that's still quite the achievement.
What else and crap. In the dream, I got to the debate, totally blank on
everything, took the first question, and was like, Ok, I got this.
Then I woke up. What else is going on. I'm pretty sure I have UHF on
DVD. Can't find it. That would be a welcome movie to watch and
whatnot. Too bad I don't have a Smart T.V. Could watch Netflix and
crap on it. I'm through with watching crap on my computer. It's
beneath me. Time to move on to bigger and better things.
Three paragraphs to go! I can do that crap. Do it
hardcore. My favorite part of class is introducing myself. Let
everyone know what I'm all about. Then go Bo-Ring! when the next
person starts. That'll learn them to try to compete with me. Anyway.
Call up Music Shop tomorrow to see if they can fix Guitar. If so, bring it
by this weekend hopefully, get it back next week. Then I'm back in
business. Make some crap. I can do that hardcore. Next class
that starts next week is Poetry. Write some poetry hardcore, and whatnot.
I've got things to do, is what I'm trying to say. Things hardcore.
Two to go! Alright. Went through all of yesterday
without drinking. Alcohol. Both positive and negative results.
For most of it, I was like, I feel exactly the same, I can do without it.
Then, some times, I was like, I want a drink. How Dare You, the
Universe, for not letting me drink. So, that's something that's got to
be addressed eventually. Can't do this forever. If I ever want to
debate Donald Trump, I'm gonna need to hunker down and get serious. The
stakes are too high. Too high.
Last paragraph! I did it hardcore. What else is
going on. Started watching Cocoon last night. Cocoon! I knew
going into it that it wasn't for me. Fifteen minutes in, I get aggravated,
This crap isn't for me! If only I had listened to myself ahead of
time. Class schedule, schedule-wise, is pretty great. Four days a
week, one class a day, have to get up at 12:00-12:15. By no means a
difficult time to wake up at, but better than the 1:30-2:30 that I've been
averaging. I'm a regular person more or less. Schedule-wise. Not
really. That's great. I can make a joke about schedules.
With the joke not just saying schedule-wise multiple times and
imagining that's humorous for some reason. I'll see ya later.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
No You Idiots I'm Supposed To Win
I'm doing terrible at
poker. The worst part is going on tilt. You can't go on tilt in
life. There's a lesson to be learned there. Don't leave the
house, nothin' can put you on tilt. That's why I'm writing this entry.
On tilt. Need some positive reinforcement. Also, I just started a
month. Now I gotta do it again? There's nothing that bad about
starting a month. No reason to go on tilt because of it. Calm.
Steady. Keep going. That's the bad part about tilt, you gotta keep
going whether yuo like it or not. Sure, you can quit the poker game, but
you're still on tilt in real life. And it's really hard to double up in
real life. Believe me, I tried. What the Hell am I supposed to do.
Take a Klonopin. Sure, that would work, but I have a great stretch of
having taken only one klonopin in like four months. Great.
The good news is it turns out I'm terrible. That's a
life lesson. Turns out I'm terrible. Good to know. I
always try to qualify it when I drop a dollar or two. Well, I just lost
a dollar, but the Mets are winning. In the grand scheme of things, isn't
the Mets moving one game up in the wild card more important than me and my
measly dollar. Probably, except one dollar is like 10% of my life
savings. Means a lot to me. Too bad there are no stakes
lower than 1 cent/2 cent. I need players more on my level. The
terrible level. Between playing online poker, both real and play money,
watching final tables on YouTube, following the WSOP, I've become temporarily
addicted to poker. I unwittingly allowed it to take over my entire empty
life. Need something else to replace it, that's all.
What can I do to replace it. Read books?
Yeah, get real. Books are for nerds. Plus, books can put you on
tilt. Probably. Anyway, what else is going on. Mets are
killing it. They're batting infinity against the Yankees as of now.
NotNot really infinity, it's 1.000. A thousand is infinity to me,
what with my two dollar life savings. Batting average and dollar
amounts do not compute. Oh well, live and learn. I now have a
third box of Product 19 in my room. It's separate from the other two,
though. Not in a 191919 situation quite yet. The moral of the story
is my life is going nowhere. Let's get on track with this entry. I
don't need to be tilting anymore. I ain't playing pinball or crap.
Pinball is the worst game in the arcade. It's time has
come and gone. Now people want to play NFL Blitz. Anyway. If
you win enough tickets, can you buy the arcade? Seems like there must be
some monetary amount. One ticket is maybe worth half a cent. You get
together billions of tickets, you can invest in your hobby. They'd
probably run out of tickets at several hundred thousands. Whatta gip.
Turns out arcades are a scam. Whatever, just give me the wax moustache.
That's how I feel. Goin' on tilt. It's like, I make a mistake, and
then I'm like, I'll show you guys a mistake, let's keep it goin'.
Anyway. I don't get it. I'm supposed to be good at things. At
least poker is nothing like life. If it was, I'd have the username
Pokermon, because in life, I'm great at titling.
If someone didn't like my titles, that would put me on
some tilt for sure. At least I still have forty cents in my life
savings. I got that going for me. I don't get the idea of real piggy
banks. Modern ones, you can open some plastic thing, get the coins in it,
no problem. The classic piggy bank, you have to break open. Seems to
me like a waste of money on the piggy bank itself. I get the logic, that
it acts as a deterrent from you using the money. But, let's get real, you
just wasted several dollars on a bank that you'll never be able to use again.
That's no good. Piggy from Lord of the Flies would be a good banker.
Let's talk about it. You know, cause he wears glasses. Good guy.
Anyway, great. Halfway through the entry. The
best part about poker is I get to choose where I sit. Can sit anywhere on
the screen, and the other players at the table rotate appropriately. It's
like a game of musical chairs where everybody wins. Except for those who
go on tilt. They lose in the long run. The Mets just lost
their lead. Nothing is right in the world. You know,
my poker bankroll, and The Mets. That's life I guess. Crap and crap.
I'm so on tilt I can't decide when I want to eat dinner. Now, thirty
minutes from now. Too many choices. I want to retreat into a embryo
pose. Nothing can hurt me then.
Great, crap and crap, and whatcrap. Decreased my
Crossword ability, too. Can't focus. Can't even get one word without
cheating and getting a letter or two. That's no good. This'll be the
last paragraph. Then, embryo-mode. At least I get to sit
where I want. Gotta stay positive. Anyway, Get a load of
these people playing Pokemon, they can find any pokemon, but they can't find a
life! Zinged 'em and whatnot. I'm in no position to zing people.
Whatta world. I can't even play electric guitar. The input jack is
broken and there's no way to fix that. Anyway, I'll see ya later.