January 4, 2014
People Love Titles
Hey friendos. It's the new year.
I had a feeling that might happen. That's why I stocked up on, "Happy New
Year!" balloons, and calendars. You can never have enough calendars.
I'm gonna market a brand of discount, knock-off calendars, that say this month
is, "Genwherry." Gotta cut costs somehow. Not looking up what the
months are is one way to go. Anyway, what else is new. I'm basically
just counting the days until the spring semester starts. I have nothing
else to do. It's a good thing I have all those calendars. Let's see,
how many calendars do I really have. Computer, phone, T.V. I think
that's it. I think people should collect calendars from yesteryear.
That's a quality product to hoard, in my opinion. That, and those three
legged tables that hold pizza pies together. You never know when those
might come in handy. I think the people who designed pizza were brilliant
marketers. When you're a kid, and you eat a slice of pizza, it's bigger
than it seems, in relation to your small size. And that trains you to
think of it as more of a meal than it really is. So when you become an
adult, you're already trained into thinking this pizza is gonna be more than it
really is. That is either wonderful social commentary, or nonsense and a
sign of my rapidly deteriorating mental health. You be the judge.
So, it snowed a few days ago. I'm still not exactly
sure what snow is. Rain, I get, and nothing, I get. But what's snow?
That would be an example of a thing this blog might include if I were 18 months
old. The sad truth is I'm not actually sure what snow is. It's not
just slushy rain, is it? There's gotta be more to it than that.
That's a good investigative piece for 60 minutes. "Snow: What Is It?"
And why doesn't, "60 Minutes," call itself, "1 Hour?" My job here is done.
Yeesh. "Sixty Minutes," is kind of a lie, too, because there's 18 minutes
of commercials. Those bastards. There should be a commercial
channel. I bet some braindead idiots would watch it. And it's 100%
profit. Or maybe, they could even pay you to watch the commercial channel.
I'd sign up for that. I bet Muhammad wore a t-shirt that said, "100%
Prophet." Duh. Mu-Ham-Mad. Jon Hamm. Mad
Men. Hmm, I think I'm on to something!! I bet that restaurant that
serves sandwiches based on famous people's names are facing a real dilemma when
it comes to, "Jon Hamm." The 'Jon Hammburger' is just way too easy.
Sometimes the easiest solution is the best solution. That's why so many
people try suicide.
Pshaw. I literally got a pain in my stomach from making
that joke. Serves me right. I guess. Also, I think that deli
doesn't make puns, they would just call it, "The Jon Hamm." I was probably
confusing it with Ben & Jerry's. Let's just pretend I made that joke by
saying it would be too easy to base that sandwich around using ham as the main
ingredient. If there was a sandwich called, "The Michael Kornblum," it
would just be one piece of lettuce on club bread. And it would be required
that when you're served, the waiter says, "Lettuce Continue." That kind of
waiter/patron interaction is what you're really paying for. It's the
5/12th anniversary of Independence Day. I wonder if people in the future
will think Independence Day celebrates the day when Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum
saved us from the aliens. You never can tell. I remember when my Dad
took me and my Brother to see Titanic, an old lady said to me, "This really
happened, you know." And I was like, "No shit." When I'm an old guy,
I'm gonna go see movies like, "Mars Attacks!" and say to kids, "This really
happened, you know." Then they'll just be confused. Old people can
get away with saying stupid things, because they have the excuse of being
senile. Don't think I won't use that to my full advantage when I'm an
Anyway. What else is going on. Someone should
write a really good poem about what it's like to sneeze. It's not gonna be
me, but someone really has to do it. Anyway, what to do with the rest of
my day. Perhaps read a book, or something. I don't know, man.
Anyway, enjoy another segment of my award winning segment, "What's Your Name?"
January 6, 2014
Sequence. End Title Sequence.
Hey buds. Today is January.
Still. I got my syllabus for one of my two classes. That's exciting
stuff. I might drop that class before it starts, though. That's
exiting stuff. I should stick with it, though. It's not the most
stimulating class I've ever taken, but there's a very light workload. The
most stimulating class I ever took was Jerk Off Sessions 101 my junior year in
high school. Why didn't I sign up for 202??? What an
idiot. So, I hear they're legalizing medical marijuana in New York.
But only for severe cases. Great thinking, Albany, now people are just
going to give themselves cancer so they could smoke legal weed. When will
the madness end. Also, great thinking, Albany, making yourself the
capital, and not New York City. What were you smoking???
Still, it's a step in the right direction. Medical marijuana, I mean.
Albany being capital is a step in the wrong direction. I think I remember
reading an article a while ago that some lawmakers in New York City wanted to
secede from the state. It may not have been an article. It may have
just been a dream I had.
Anyway. Is it just me, or is the lady in the
Starbucks logo kind of hot? I wouldn't mind bucking her star. Or
starring her buck, if she's into that sort of thing. This Starbucks cup is
five weeks old. I need to clean my room. If the song, "American
Pie," was written a hundred years later, it would probably be called,
"Starbucks." I could have said, "fifty years later," but I'm counting on
them being even more successful in the next fifty years. Don't let me
down! I started chewing gum recently. It's less than five calories,
and probably burns itself through the chewing and whatnot. I don't get why
people blow bubbles with their gum. I think they're just show-offs.
What tangible reason is there for blowing a bubble. Assholes.
Some people can't be reasoned with. I've been faced with the situation of
chewing gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time. I think each one
ruins the other. But I'm still gonna do both at the same time.
Spitting out my gum or not smoking a cigarette for a certain amount of time
dictates a level of self control that I just don't have.
It's nighttime. Ain't that about a bitch. I had
to turn my light on, just to see! I like the song that goes, "I can see
clearly now, the rain is gone." Who's out there in the rain going, "WHAT'S
GOING ON? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!" It's just drops of water.
Maybe it's a metaphor. Probably not, though. Then again, in the land
of the blind, the people who can normally see, but not in the rain, are king.
I don't like that expression. If it's the land of the blind, they'd
probably want one of their own to be king. In the land of the blind, those
with one eye would probably be looked down upon, and shunned. Well, if the
blind people knew how to look down upon something, at least. Let's just
say they would be thought ill of. Anyway, what was I talking about?
Answer at the end of the entry. Will there really be an answer at the end
of the entry? Answer at the end of the entry.
Anyway. What's on schedule for the rest of the week?
Sleep, wake, sleep, wake, and so on. It's a good thing humans need just
about eight hours of sleep a night. If it was more, we wouldn't have time
to do anything! And if it was less, it would be too dark to do things!
That sums that up. In conclusion, enjoy a brand new segment, "How Did You
January 13, 2014
Best Titler In The
Hey jerks. Today is a Monday in
2014. For greater specificity, look up. What's goin' on in the wide
world of sports. A-Rod stuff, and Hall of Fame stuff. I think they
should just create a separate Hall of Fame for cheaters, steroid users, and Tino
Martinez. Give them some props without tainting the pristine records of Ty
"The Racist" Cobb and Babe "Woman Beater" Ruth. Did Babe Ruth beat women?
I know he did something unsavory like that. Also, Cal Ripkin Jr. I
know he was up to some shit. I'm looking forward to the 2014
season. Not a lot of great expectations for the Mets, but who knows.
If every player wildly exceeds expectations, you never know! I miss
playing fantasy baseball. My baseball fantasy is sharing a hot tub with Mo
Vaughn. I know, I know. Get in line. So, I officially
registered and pay for two classes for the spring semester at Queens College.
It's gonna be awesome! Now I just need to figure out a hook for luring my
class mates into being friends with me. Idea 1: writing on a piece of
paper, "Will You Be My Friend?" crumpling it up, and throwing it at people.
Idea 2: During a class discussion, raising my hand, and saying, "I want to
hear what Joe has to say." (Replace Joe with potential friend's
name). Idea 3: When class ends, stand by the door giving everyone who
walks by a high five. Idea 4: Before class, write on the chalkboard, "Mike
Is A Good Friend," and put my phone number under it. Those are my only
ideas on how to make friends.
In the past, I made some acquaintances smoking cigarettes
between classes, but now Queens College is a smoke-free campus. What
malarkey. Anyway. My uncle is taking me to a casino to play a poker
tournament next week. I'm quite excited about that. I've never
played poker in a casino before. The only strategy I know is get in good
with the dealers, so they'll deal you good cards. That, and eat a big
sandwich at the table, to intimidate people. That, and put on a Jerry
Seinfeld voice, and say, "Why do they call them chips? They're not
chipping anything." You know, to intimidate people. Oh, and wear
glasses. Nothing more intimidating than a four-eyes. If I ever
eliminate a player, immediately afterward, I'm gonna look to the player on his
left, and say, "You're Next." People will love my witty and
irreverent banter. Honestly, I gotta think of a catchphrase to say
whenever I eliminate an appointment. In today's modern poker world, it's
all about branding. I'm thinking of, "King Kong Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!"
I used to play cards with someone who's last name was Kong. He was the
only person I played with live who I would comfortably say is better than me.
So, in this case, King Kong does have something on me.
Maybe just, "See Ya Later!" That's a pretty good
catchphrase. Or maybe, "I Can't Be Stopped!" Or maybe, put on an
Urkel voice, and say, "Did I Do That?" I think that's the winner
right there. I may have to pay royalties to the writers of, "Family
Matters," but, Heck, it's worth it. Did you know that family matters?
I learned it from the title of a sitcom. I think people should have
phrases they say when they lose. My thing would be shrugging my shoulders,
and saying, "You Win Some, You Lose Some." But I have to say that
every time I'm eliminated from a tournament. Or maybe even every time I
lose a hand. That's fun. Or maybe even every hand. By
the way, I realize that playing poker is all about the cards and getting a read
on your opponents. I'm just being stupid. Also, I'm talking as if
this tournament is the start of a long career of poker tournaments. That,
too, will not happen. But, this one should be fun. Hey, I'm getting
my eyeglasses fixed later this week. So I may be able to go to poker as a
four-eyes! We'll see. I don't understand how glasses makes you a
four-eyes. Does wearing a hat make you a two-head? Braces make you a
two-teeth? Not really sure what's going on with that. Now, we all
know Harvey Dent was a Two-Face. But he's the exception that proves the
rule. Not sure if that applies here.
Anyway. Also, I'm not really sure how an exception can
prove a rule. Seems kind of fishy to me. So, yeah, poker, college.
Lots of stuff coming up. This year is shaping up to be pretty good.
I can't believe that next year is the Back-To-The-Future-Future-Year. I
can't wait for those 3-D Jaws advertisements. Also, do you need a license
to ride a hover board? If so, Marty McFly is a criminal. He probably
shouldn't be riding around in a Delorean, either. His license is expired.
Is it just me, or is Back to the Future one of the greatest movies ever made?
I mean, c'mon. I'm still waiting for Back to the Future IV: Rise of the
Machines. It's gonna be a doozy! Anyway. I like this website.
I think it provides a pretty great service to it's readers. More people
should read it. It's not anything exceptional, but that's part of it's
charm. I remember in the old incarnation of the website, from when I was
in high school. Conan O' Brian gave a speech at my high school graduation,
and I put it up on the website, and I got Hella views for it. That was
briefly exciting, knowing that there was a big increase in readers. Now,
I'm back to basics, and it feels great!
Last paragraph time. I might go see, "Her," later.
I don't know what to expect. The reviews are great, and my intuition says
it will be good, but the commercials don't really captivate me. So, we'll
see. Hmm. I've been reminiscing a lot, and it's good stuff.
Times from high school, college. I've had some good times, and thinking
about them makes me happy. Hopefully I've got a lot in store for the
future. I decided that, at some point, I'm gonna start keeping a private,
written journal, of everything I do. At least, once my life starts back up
again. I just think it'll be good to cement everything I do. It'll
help me process what I'm doing, and grow as a person. And keeping a blog
is pretty good practice, I think. So I got that going for me. I
guess. Anyway, peace out folks.
January 15, 2014
Hello. My name is Mike. Not
really. It's Michael. I've been living a lie. With that
out of the way, let's begin the entry! Anyway. What's the deal with
the woods. They're still trees, they're not wood yet. It should be
called the trees! And the alphabet. What genius thought
of this? I'll stick to hieroglyphics, thank you very much. My name
is Mike. Thank you, thank you. Ever notice how when you're watching
T.V., there are different characters, and they say different things? What
brilliant thought up this crap? Ever notice how when you don't shower,
you start to stink? "Take a shower every day," they say! Who has
that kind of time?! You ever notice how when you don't have a lot of time,
you have too many things to do in relation to the amount of time you have to do
them? We've all been there, am I right?
Can I stop doing that character? Nothing would
please me more. I'm starting a new diet and exercise regimen. It
should be good. And, if not, there's always bulimia. Eh. Who's
the guy who coined the word, "Eh?" That guy knew the score. One,
that guy. Zero, everyone else. Three, Chipper Jones. Anyway.
People! Let's get back on track. My toe is bleeding. Because
I'm hardcore! I talked to my doctor about possibly going on a pill to help
me stop smoking. At the time, I didn't really want to, because I assumed
it wouldn't really help. But even if it might help, it's
probably worth it to try. That's not funny. You're not funny.
The whole world's not funny. I give up.
What the huh? Anyway. I found my capo after a
year of not knowing where it is. Turns out it was under my bed. So
that's good. Higher tones = increased happiness. That's just
science. Wouldn't it be weird if the Pope played an instrument. He's
infallible, you know he'd come up with some wild tunes. But I guess he
doesn't want to make other musicians look bad. He'd put them all to shame.
Because he'd comment on their impulsive, non-Christian lives, and they would
thusly feel shame. But he'd say it in a nice way. Like, if he were
shaming me, he might say, "Hittin' the snacks a little too hard, tubbo?"
And I'd laugh, cause he'd be right. I'd actually probably be on the verge
of tears, and whine, "It's not my fault! My metabolism is slow!" And
he would say, "Yeah right, like I've never heard that one before." He's
just that kind of guy. What you see is what you get.
I wonder if the Pope likes fried chicken. People should
make a bigger deal about the Pope's diet, because he is infallible. The
foods he likes would be, in turn, the absolute right foods to like.
Anyway. That's it. Please enjoy my new segment, "What's Your
January 19, 2014
Hey, I Got The Date
Hello friends. This will be an
entry. I promise. School starts in a week! I've had some
stress dreams recently where I was back in school and couldn't keep up.
But when I wake up, I'm like, "C'mon, it's only two classes. I can do
that!" I don't know why I'm talking back to my dreams. They don't
listen to me. They better, though, if they know what's good for them.
I don't know why I'm threatening my dreams. Everyone knows my dreams don't
respond to threats. I don't know why everyone knows the rules my
dreams live by. People know too much about me. Like, that I like
coffee and cigarettes. With only that information, you can extrapolate and
figure out my credit card number, my social security number, and my zodiac sign.
The clues are there. I don't know why I'm keeping my zodiac sign a secret.
I don't want people knowing my horoscope every day. With that, and with
extrapolating, they could figure out my Facebook password, my favorite key to
whistle in, and the month I was born.
I got a new smart phone last week. This is my first
smart phone. It's okay. I checked out crazysheet on the phone, and
it was interesting to see it in a different format. I guess. I feel
bad for Ringo Starr. Think of how terrible it would be to be part of
possibly the most loved band in the history of music, yet everyone still thinks,
"Oh yeah, that guy sucks." He's the goat. That's an expression,
right? And that's the proper use of it, right? Right? Good.
I know you can get someone's goat. If someone got my goat, I'd be like,
"Hey, give it back!" That's my goat. I sold some kid perfectly good
magic beans for it. He offered me a cow, but what was I, born yesterday?
Give me the goat! I don't get what's so great about those magic beans,
anyway. They grow a stalk for you to climb, that's problem number one.
Climbing. Then, when you get to the top, there's giants who want to eat
you. I mean, sure, everyone needs a vacation, but can't you just go to
Hawaii? No one's gonna eat you there. Sure, there's a rumour of a
goose that lays golden eggs. So what. Who needs 'em? That's
how I feel.
Anyway. Poor Ringo. He's not that bad!
Honestly, if no one ever suggested his mediocrity to me, I never would have
noticed. I still don't notice. I'm just going by what other people
say. The drums sound okay to me. Besides, would you really want a
John Bonham to be drumming for the Beatles? It wouldn't sound right.
Still, he's the weak link in terms of song writing. I get that. But,
c'mon, how many classic Beatles songs have you written? None?
That's what I thought. Boy, I hope Paul McCartney doesn't read this.
For that matter, I hope Ringo Starr doesn't read this. Besides, I'm like
the Ringo Starr of being entertaining on the internet. If even.
Ringo Starr put the beat in Beatles. I'm the crazy in crazysheet. So
much in common. For sure. Anyway. What else is going on.
Stupid dreams. I'll show them!
Fourth paragraph time. I call it the, "Cuatro."
And I call that, "a rip-off of 'Dodgeball." When I was in summer camp, I
was always picked last for dodgeball. And kickball. And chess.
And kidpix. And reading. Yeah. I actually dominated at chess.
There's a fun fact about me. When I was eight, I was good at board games.
You better believe it. Anyway, this was a fun entry. Maybe two or
three paragraphs too long. Or four. Or five. In conclusion,
enjoy another installment of, "What's Your Name?"
January 22, 2014
Way To Read!
Hey guys and gals. It's me,
crazysheet. Can I just go by, "Crazysheet" now? I think I've earned
it. Anyway. I played my first poker tournament in a casino on
Monday. I was eliminated after three hours. It was fun, though.
I got to listen to music in one ear while listening to the action with the other
one, like a real jerk off. Man, did I enjoy it. The best part of it,
though, was we went to the casino food court afterwards and I got a chicken
fajita wrap, and it was awesome. I also got to spend some time with my
aunt and uncle, which was fun. And, now, Queens College starts next week.
It should be pretty awesome. Assuming I'm not going by the standard fall
'06, spring '07, fall '07, spring '08, fall '08, summer '09, fall '09, winter
'09, spring '10, fall '10, spring '11, fall '12 set. I've got a funny
feeling this might be the semester that breaks the mold! Let's bet,
double or nothing! If someone says to you, "Double or nothing," always
say, "Double." Double is unequivocally better than nothing.
Especially when it's a McDouble. Ooohhh, doctor!
Four out of five doctors recommend the McDouble. It's
true. What else is going on. I was just writing down jokes I could
possibly use in a stand-up act, cause I was bored, and I have about 20 now on
note cards, and I really wanna go try it out. I refuse to go alone,
though. So, if you're in the New York area, please let me know if you'd be
willing to go to an open mic with me so I could try this stuff out. It
will be a great experience you will remember for days to come. But,
really, if I'm ever going to make a living from comedy, like some of you may
have imagined when I was a teenager (and still naturally funny), now's the time
to get in on the ground level. Maybe I should practice doing stand up now.
Hey, how about this weather, huh? It's so freaking cold. Nobody ever
warned me that it would sometimes be this cold. I demand satisfaction!
Okay, maybe we'll scratch the whole, "comedy" idea. I really just wanna do
it so I can say to my fifteen year old self, "look, I did it!" That's
Anyway. Basically, I just failed at succeeding at one
fantasy I've had since being a teenager (poker), that I naturally want to try
(and most likely fail) at another one (comedy). We already know I've
failed at music. This will just complete the failure trifecta. And
then I can get a chicken fajita wrap. Win-win-win. Man, now I really
want a chicken fajita wrap. But I can't have one. Where's the justice?
That's a loser's mentality. If I want a chicken fajita wrap, I should go
out there and get one. Even if it means selling my body. You gotta
be in it to win it. I heard that somewhere in a self-help book.
Okay, so once I'm through with comedy, next it's astronaut, and if that fails,
cowboy. Then, teenage mutant ninja turtle. After that, I'm all out
of ideas. What do guys like me actually end up being? And
don't say living in a hospital for the rest of my life. Because that
would really blow chunks. Maybe it'll be okay. In the hospital, the
man with half a mind is king. Except for the schizophrenic who actually
thinks he's a king. That guy's already king. So, I know I must be
losing weight, because the strange fifty year old Indian man I see sometimes
while waiting for doctor's appointments is coming on to me again. When I
first met him, it was all, "I like you's," and hugs, but then for a while he was
like, "You gained weight." Now, it's back to asking me if I have a
girlfriend and saying I look good. Reading that, I realize fully what a
shame it is for such a large percentage of a 25 year old male's sexual self
esteem to be resting in the hands of a 50 year old mentally ill person.
But, hey, you take what you can get.
I've been playing a lot of online poker for play money, since
it's illegal to play for real money. I've been doing pretty good, but then
again, the quality of play is obviously much lower than it would be if we were
playing for real money. But it's a really great time killer. So I
got that going on. Whodathunkit. In conclusion, enjoy a new segment,
"What's Your Problem?"
January 23, 2014
Easy Come, Easy Go
Hello friends. It's me again.
Hey friends. I decided I'm probably gonna try an open mic at UCBeast this
Sunday. I would love it if a friend came along, to relax me. If
you're interested in spending some time with little old me, c'mon, let me know.
However, if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. Eh, maybe
I won't go. Only because I know I won't be relaxed, and would thusly be
terrible. We'll see. Anyway. There might be snow tomorrow.
Pft. I hate wearing my snow boots. I'm like a five year old.
Or maybe, five year olds are like me. Or, maybe five year olds are like 39
year olds. Kids grow up so fast these days. Especially Robin
Williams in that Francis Ford Copolla movie. Robin Williams is a guy.
Even though he won Best Actress for Mrs. Doubtfire. He had them all
fooled. He also won Best Genie for Aladdin. Lots of good competition
in that category, yet he took home the gold. I feel like Robin Williams is
constantly acting as if he's perpetually in the running for the, "Best Robin
Williams" award. Yeah, I went there. He's okay. He's no Robin
What else is going on? I'm starting to get addicted to
online poker again. It's not even real money, but I can't stop.
Don't judge me. I can stop anytime I want. But I can't stop.
Don't judge me. What are you, the Prince of Persia? Don't act like
your stink don't shit. Dang. Prince of Persia. Hah. What
else is going on? There's nothing going on in my mind. Not
necessarily a good mental state for a comedy man. What does it matter.
I'm just am ammeter at everything. I'm a professional amateur. It's
not funny, it's true. This is shit. Whatever.
I like cheddar cheese. Milk is a thing. What's
wrong with plums? After all, he is your grandfather. Ignorant boxes
of cauliflower. Too many people have butlers. I need to study the
alphabet more. No, really,, I do. Go away, now. Enjoy another
installment of, "What's Your Problem?"
January 25, 2014
I Take It Back
Hey all. Get ready for an entry!
Today is a Saturday. Look, you know what day it is. I'm not
providing a service to anyone by saying the day of the week. School starts
on Tuesday. I narrowed it down to only one class, now. I should be
able to do that. You'd think so, at least. In the last entry, spell
check is insisting that by, "Francis Ford Copolla," I really mean, "Adam
Corolla." I don't think they know what they're talking about. If I
were writing, "Her," I'd make Joaquin Phoenix be seeing spell check on the side.
Because I'm that kind of fella. If you add an, "O" to, "Her," you get,
"Hero." That was a Jet Li movie. If you add an, "In," to, "Hero,"
you get, "Heroin." That's a popular drug among some circles. I hope
I never become addicted to heroin. That would be a blunder of epic
proportions. I also hope I don't have a nightmare tonight. I've been
having crazy nightmares every night for a while. It really kind of sucks.
Whose dick do I have to suck to get a refreshing night's sleep? Cause I'll
do it. That's how much my nightmares suck. Not all problems can be
solved by dick sucking, though. I think Sun Tzu said that. Before
you master your own dick, you must master your enemy's dick. Machiavelli. Dick sucker says what? Unknown prankster.
I would kill for a decent night's sleep. Not like a
family member, or a friend. Preferably some guy who deserves it.
That's about it. Not really. I don't understand people who make the
decisions over who lives and who dies. You know, like in the death panels.
I'm just not comfortable with that. I know it's law now, but that's just
how I feel. Why can't everyone just live forever. I got the idea
from an Oasis song. But that doesn't take anything away from its
sincerity. Living forever would be tough, though. Why can't we just
decide when we want to die. You wake up one day when you're 230, and you
think, "Yeah, this is enough. See ya!" That's it. I had a big
lunch. That's probably why I'm thinking these depressing thoughts.
Boo-yah. I don't know what that means. I don't like 2014. If I
wanted to live in a year that had a 4 in it, I would have lived in 1724.
It's still only January, though. It's still only January,
though. Yip. I think I need a break from online poker. But
if I don't play online poker, how am I supposed to amass play money chips on
Pokerstars? It's like I'm up shit creek... with a paddle, but my arms are
broken and/or paralyzed, so the paddles no good! I think there should be a
movie called, "Shit Creek." I don't care what it's about, I don't care
who's in it, I would see that movie. Hands down. I think there
should be a movie called, "Without a Paddle." I'm sure it would be a
commercial and critical success. Where do I get off ragging on movies?
After all movies have done for me?
Anyway. I saw Ride Along yesterday. That was
pretty good. And I saw Wolf of Wall Street a few weeks ago. That was
also good. Kevin Hart is short, like me! That's where the
similarities end. But that doesn't mean he can't be one of my favorite
actors, just because he's short. He's a role model to short people
everywhere. Whether they be living under a bridge, on there way to the eye
of Sauron, or ruling a kingdom where Shrek is eventually going to get the best
of you. Also, I don't get ice cubes. They're not cubes. Get
your facts straight. In Ride Along, Ice Cube says the line, "Today was a
good day," which is a reference to an Ice Cube song, and I instinctively laughed
at it, and immediately had the thought, "I hope the other people in the audience
realize I knew that reference!" Because that's just the kind of fella I
am. What's poppa woppin. In my old rap group, that was the greeting
one of my friends used. I kinda like it. It's sort of a derivative
of what's shacka-lackin, I believe. The Mad Dawgs are on the prowl!
Why didn't I get serious about rapping. My whole life could have turned
out differently. Oh yeah, because I lived in a privileged, white, upper
middle middle class family, with almost no relation to either an urban lifestyle
or hip-hop culture. Also, I couldn't rhyme or rap for shit. C'est la
Anyway. At the time, I did almost exclusively listen to
rap music, so I had some relation to the hip-hop culture. That
ended once Spiderman came out, and there was a Nickelback song on the
soundtrack, and the combination between the two made me like rock music. I
blame Spiderman. Actually, School of Rock would be more accurate.
That got me listening to Tenacious D, AC/DC, and Led Zeppelin, which is really
where I started thinking of music more seriously. Oh, also, in the mid
90's, my family's computer, when it would start up, played a five second clip
of, "Start Me Up," by the Rolling Stones. There, that's it. Of
course, there was also Napster. My main use of Napster, though, was
downloading George Carlin albums. That, and porn. Napster didn't
have porn. But one of it's successors did. It sure did. Why
does everything I talk about always end up about porn. Just call me
Michael Pornblum. Don't really call me that. I will have disgraced
my father's good name. Oh, also, I had a dream about a week ago that there
was a plane crash. So, now, if there's a plane crash, don't blame me.
Wait, now that I mentioned it, I seem suspicious, and you will blame me.
Just forget it. Plane crash? What plane crash?
Nobody needs this. Also, going by what some of my other
nightmares have been about, they're such that I'm leaning towards them not
being premonitions, but just a tired, depressed, scared psyche coming to the
surface. In conclusion, I probably need Ambien or something. I'm on
such an amount of drugs that adding another one to the mix can really do no
harm. I'm not a doctor, though. If I was, I would say, "First, do no
harm." "Second, do not talk about fight club." Third, don't mess
around with the cadavers. They're not there for your personal amusement.
Respect the dead. One day you'll be dead, and you'll surely want to be
respected. I bet when Rodney Dangerfield died, at his wake, he looked down
from Heaven and said, "... I finally got some respect." And it was like a
chapter closed in his soul's journey. Anyway. See ya later.
January 29, 2014
Teach A Man To
Hey jerkwads. I took my first
college class yesterday in a long time. It actually went pretty well, even
though I was a bit wired. The teacher's good, the class is interesting,
and the workload is light. What else can you ask for? Also, I did my
second comedy open mic ever on Sunday, and that went pretty well too.
Compared to the first time, I was a lot less nervous (although I was still
pretty nervous), and I got a fair amount of laughs. Even better, the
people who were laughing were the people I recognized as better comedians, and
I've always heard comedians praise the type of comedian who makes comedians
laugh, and I was excited to be one of them (even if it was just a one time
thing). So, yeah, it's mostly good news lately. Also, during the Queens
College class, I kept doing, "What's Your Name?" comics in my notebook!
Man, is that a laugh and a half. Or, completely pointless and not funny at
all. Nobody knows. What else am I supposed to write about.
Walking around the city on Sunday (particularly the NYU area), and going to
Queens College, makes me realize how much younger college kids seem to me.
Because I am older. And they stay the same age. Alright, alright.
I don't like it, though. I need peers! "Margaret's boyfriend is a
pizza delivery boy, but she thinks he's delivering more than just pizzas."
Oh, Maury. My life would be empty without you. Or, empty with you.
Either way, my life is MT. I was watching a Jerry Springer a week or two
ago, and the contestant called Jerry, "Maury!" #Awkward! #Hashtag!
Oh yeah. Every comedian at the openmic was more of a
storyteller comedian. I was one of the only ones doing 1 liners. It
would have inspired me to try to start writing jokes about my life, but I,
unfortunately, don't have a life. And even if I did, there would be
nothing funny about it. And even if there was, it's my life! It's
now or never. I ain't gonna be forever. Man, now I want pizza.
#Pizza. I like people who use hashtags outside of Twitter. They took
a good idea, and they're running with it! Good for people. In two
weeks, I've built up my 1000 play chips on Pokerstars to over 55,000. I'm
number one! My main strategy, in 9 people sit 'n gos, is just to survive
to the top 3 (where there's a payout), and let luck take care of the rest.
Pretty straightforward stuff. I can't wait till online poker for real
money is available again. No joking, that might end up being my career.
It's the only thing I'm good at. That, and listening to music. If
you could get paid for listening to music well, I'd be making mad Benjamins, yo.
Man, now I don't want pizza anymore. #ChangedMyMind!
Anyway. It was weird being in class, and having to hold
my urine in. I'm used to going to the bathroom willy-nilly. Then,
when I was finally able to relieve myself, it took a while and I was in pain.
#Thumbsdown. I like Maury because nobody really knows how old he is.
I like Bill Cunningham because, whenever there's a woman on stage, he calls her,
"Mama." "I want to hear what Mama has to say!" Love it. I have
a scab on my face from where I cut myself shaving. Cutting yourself
shaving is really embarrassing, because you're basically telling other people,
"I am a boy, not a man, I don't know how to shave myself properly!" I
might go see American Hustle today. Why not. Once you start getting
out of your house, you realize, "This is pretty great!" and want to keep getting
out of your house. I've been taking at least two walks a day for a couple
of weeks, as part of my new diet/exercise regimen, and that itself is pretty
great. Speeds up the metabolism, and gets you out of the house.
Wonderful. I mean, I love my parents, but it's good to get a break.
Especially, because of my illness, I always feel the pressure to be normal
in front of my parents. Getting breaks and being able to just live life is
Anyway. I've been listening to a lot of Nick Drake
lately. Of all musicians, he's probably the closest I am to when I play
guitar. Which is weird, because I've been playing guitar for ten years,
and only started listening to him in the past year. I mean, I'm not as
good as him, but that's more or less the style I play in day-to-day. So
that's how that goes. When I'm done with this entry, I'm gonna have a
grilled chicken cutlet sandwich. Nobody can stop me! Nick Drake is
pretty depressing, though. I gotta watch how much I listen to him, because
I don't want to listen too much, and then contemplate suicide. That's a
hassle I just don't need. I want to live a long, happy, and fulfilling
life. Nobody can stop me! Except for Nick Drake, if I listen to him
too much. Gotta keep my eye on that. I've been chewing a lot of gum
lately. It's pretty good stuff. Cinnamint, peppermint. You
can't go wrong when it comes to chewing gum. If you're chewing gum, you're
already a winner. As far as I'm concerened. Anyway. Yeah, I'll
probably go see American Hustle later. And by later, I mean soon.
And by soon, I mean at 1:05 P.M. Which is pretty soon, all things
Final paragraph time. No more wasting everyone's time
with, "What's Your Name?" or "What's Your Favorite Color?" Hah. Just
saying those names made me laugh. Anyway. What do I have coming up
in the future. Class Tuesday/Thursday. That's about it. Not
bad, though. Better than nothing. I guess. It's February in a
few days! Alright, alright. In class on Tuesday, the teacher told us
to write three defining moments in American history or literature before 1865,
and one person said, "The cold war." Hah! I'm smarter than that guy!
Eat it! There's one woman in like her 70's in my class. Whodathunkit.
I'm running low on Camel Blues. Newports, though, are a-plenty. I
can't complain. Anyway, see you later.
January 30, 2014
Get Over Myself
Hillo. It's me, Mike.
Remember, from before? Cause I don't. I took class #2 earlier today.
That's 100% more classes I've gotten through compared to the last time I took a
college class. So far, so good. I've been taking notes pretty
manically. Like, the teacher said an aside about a book he likes?
Goin' in the notes! Teacher makes a joke about how he was raised?
Goin' in the notes! Student says the Cold War took place before 1865?
Goin' in the notes! One day, I'm going to have a completely empty
existence, and these little throwaways are going to be like Mana from Heaven.
Or, my eyes will see the page completely out of focus, with every sentence
reduced to nothing more than a scribble, and toss it aside. Either way, I
win! I don't know how I win in the second scenario. I'm not even
completely sold on how I win in the first scenario. But, let it be said,
they are both scenarios. Nothing can take that away from me. I had
pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. And I still have a slice
leftover for a midnight snack! For me, a midnight snack would be ingested
at about 7:00 or 8:00. I go to sleep early. "Midnight Snack" is the
name of the book of essays Lena Dunham in Girls is going to write. Or, has
written. The storyline of her writing a book and being published is a
little bit murky. I really have no idea what to make of that show.
Which is pretty reflective of my interpretation of real-life 'girls,' so I guess
That was a long paragraph! Good for me. Good for
you. Good for everyone. I also ate a couple of carrots today.
You know, just for fun. That's a good snack. It's got the crunch
everyone's dying for, and the nutrition a doctor can only dream of! My
eating habits are really coming together nicely. Lots of protein (save for
today's pizza vacation), consistently eating a good breakfast, and not
starving myself. I'm so glad I don't have a curvy penis. Those seem
like they're just more trouble than they're worth. One man's opinion,
anyway. How do people with dick's curved up urinate? Does the urine
actually go up before it goes down? It's like a fountain. "What goes
up, must come down." Surely Newton was talking about urine. Was that
Newton? Was that Newtown? That was where there was a school shooting
or something. Who can remember. In this, the digital age. Why
remember anything when google is just a click away. Whatever happened to
AskJeeves.com. I guess Americans just weren't comfortable with a digital
butler. Ask Jeeves. "I don't know, I just don't trust this
character." I don't blame you. What's in it for Jeeves, that's what
I want to know. He must have been up to some shit, I can tell you that.
Anyway. Five day vacation! Isn't life great.
I don't like going home from Queens College, because I can't smoke on campus,
and I can't smoke at the bus stop, because it's by a gas station. I mean,
I guess I could smoke at the bus stop, but do I really want to risk
causing a massive explosion and killing dozens of people? As far as the
risk/reward going for smoking a cigarette near a gas station, the risk seems to
greatly outweigh the reward. Again, just one man's opinion. Take it
with a grain of salt. That's an expression. Think about it, if you
want to. I'm not here to force anyone to do anything they don't really
want to do. Anyway. I was wearing my NYU sweatshirt today, because
it's lighter than my regular sweatshirt, and the weather called for it, but I
didn't really count on how many *perceived* awkward looks I would get around the
Queens College campus. The entire time I was there, I felt like saying to
anyone who would listen, "No, I don't feel like I'm an 'NYU man," superior to
you! It's just more comfortable!" Unfortunately, no one really
seemed to care.
I like people who think carefully about what they wear and
then think other people care about what they wear. Get over yourself!
As far as I'm concerned, you're just either a man or woman, with glasses or
without glasses. Oh, check out the guy with glasses. Check out
the girl without glasses. That's basically it. This was a good
entry. I can tell because I don't hate myself 3/4'ths into it. What
else is going on. I saw American Hustle yesterday. I know it's a
comedy, and I guess it was funny at some points, but it really just depressed
me. I get depressed easily, though. That's a fact. It was a
good movie, though. Not every movie can make you feel good about yourself.
Some movies can artistically recreate the seedy underbelly to ourselves and our
society, and show you that. Good for them. Hey it's almost time for
my midnight snack.
So it goes, Crazysheet is almost done for the night. In
conclusion, enjoy a segment of a new series, "What's Your Favorite Game?"
Peace Out, Folks!
January 31, 2014
I Don't Play No
Games. Except For Backgammon. And Some Other Ones.
Hello. It's me. I have a
sore on the inside of my mouth. Lucky me! Smoking cigarettes
activate it's pain. So maybe I have mouth cancer. Fingers crossed!
I've been using the bathroom like a pro lately. That's all I have to say
about that. Today's a pretty good day. Date-wise, at least.
Tomorrow is February. I can't believe it's been a year since last
February. So much has happened. Like, the months, and stuff.
I'm not complaining. No stuff is good stuff. I was thinking about
doing another comedy open mic tonight, but after careful consideration, I came
to realize, "Wait a second, I'm not funny!" So, that's that.
It's okay. There's worse things in the world to be than not being funny.
I mean, I'm funny compared to the average Pete, but I'm not professionally
funny. And I'm not even quick-witted, not anymore. So, whatever.
At least I'm good at something. I'm good at not being content with who I
am. That's a good skill to have. One would imagine. I like how
John Lennon said to, "Imagine." Get off my case, man! I've had
enough of your "rules!" I'll imagine when I'm good and ready. I
think it's possible John Lennon was just trying to say, "I'm a genie," but
didn't know how to spell. That's how I feel. Most genies know how to
spell. That's how I feel.
I have to write the rest of this entry? Who made that
rule? I already admitted I wasn't funny. Where else can I go from
there? The thing about me being funny, is if you read crazysheet thinking,
"This'll be good!" then it is good, but if you read it thinking, "This is gonna
suck!" then it will suck. Some people can find pleasure in the little
things in life, some people are too jaded. That's about it. That's
not really fair to the jaded people. Maybe they're correct in being
humorless jackasses. That's their prerogative. Anyway. I
should go to the open mic. At the last one, I was makin' friendly with
another guy there, and shared a slice of pizza afterwards. It was weird
being social. Weird, but good. You know what, yeah! I
should go. I'm glad I had this little exchange with myself. Aw, but
should I? I don't know! Fuck it. I still don't know, but I'm
not gonna debate myself for the rest of this entry. I'm gonna do it!
It's usually better to do things than not to do things. Usually. Who
knows if this is one of those situations. Besides, there's a decent chance
I won't even get the chance to do my time, because there's a limited number of
people who can go up. Alright, so I gotta leave around 5:00. That
gives me 50 minutes to finish this entry. You now what, maybe I shouldn't
go, and just enjoy an evening in! Fuck me. Who cares?!
Certainly not you, and in all actuality, not even me. I do care, though.
I want to make the right decision. The truth is, either way, I'm gonna lie
in bed tonight and think, "I made the wrong decision." And then cry myself
to sleep. Beh.
Third paragraph alakazam! I really should just stay in.
There's another open mic on Sunday, if I want to go then. Bleh. Do
you live in New York? Why not invite me to hang out sometime?
Fuckers. I need friends, that's all that is. I had a dream a few
days ago that one of you died. I won't say which one. That's not a
threat, though. It's true. I was sad in the dream, though.
Obviously. I don't want anyone to die. Not for a while, at least.
You should die when you're really old. It's best for everybody. I
showed up early for my class on Thursday, so I was waiting outside the room
while the class before it was ending. The door was open, and I felt kind
of guilty, because I heard the professor saying everything, and I was getting
learning for free. We gotta take advantage of situations though. I'm
not conning anyone, I was just there early. If they want to give me
something of value for free that's their prerogative. I like the word
ANYWAY. Woah, look at all those caps. Life is
weird. In some ways, I've been feeling better lately, but in some ways,
I've been feeling worse. Life is like a wave; you gotta ride it. My
dad likes to say, "Life is like a rollercoaster; there are highs, and lows."
I think he's wrong, though. Because on a roller coaster, the downs are the
fun part. Shows how much he knows. I remember I used to get
particularly scared on roller coasters, because I'm short, and I wasn't
confident that the roller coaster bar was designed to keep me inside properly.
So far, though, I've survived every roaster coller that I've ridden. I
need to get an HD T.V. Those are great. Anyway, enjoy another
episode of my critically acclaimed series, "What's Your Favorite Color?"