Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Titles Never Loved Me Back
I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the
old AIM Instant Messenger Frowny Emoji. It would have been perfect!
Nowhere to be found on the internet, though. I assume because AOL
considers it copyright infringement. They're seriously trying to monetize
a picture of a yellow face frowning from 20 years ago. Well, not
really. If they were trying to monetize it I would be able to pay 10
dollars to get access to all the emojis. They're just being dicks and
saying no one can use them. Man, oh well. This
was before emojis were even called emojis! We just called 'em ...y
Faces. Frowny Face. Smiley Face. Winky Face. Kids
got it easy these days. Why, because they have the word, "Emoji?"
Emoji is a movie where you get sucked into a Death Cab
For Cutie concert. And you have to perform various feats of strength to
escape. Anyway, Hi! Six days since last entry. That was
a ten paragraph'r. I'm aiming for 15 today. 10 is fine, I guess.
20 would be cake. That's a new Slang I want to make. It's based on
existing slang but re-appropriating it. Saying something is, "Cake," meant
It's Easy for a while, as in, Easy As Cake (Easy As Cake meant
It's Easy for a while, presumably because it's easy to eat? Easy to
bake cake? I don't know why. Maybe it was just dovetailing on the
popularity of Simple As Pie [Simple As Pie meant It's Easy
for a while. I don't know why. Because Pie is usually a circle?
Circles are easy? Circles are actually pretty hard, I don't know]).
But now when I say something is Cake, it means it's great. Cake is
great. You know, to eat. Hence the phrase Gimme Some Cake,
which means I Love Sweets Give Me Some Sweet.
That's a paragraph. Sort of. Hi!
Uh-oh, I just used the phrase, "New Slang." Now I owe royalties to The
Shins. What if I said the movie Emoji directs you to a The Shins concert
instead? They'd get ticket sales and that should cover my egregious use of
the title of their popular song. I think the jungle that people get sucked
into Jumanji is actually a high priced resort and they use the mystical board
game as sort of a promotional tool to get people excited about it.
Nope. I think a lot of things. And that ain't one of 'em.
Oh well. I think a lot of people forget that Jumanji is actually based on
an actual board game. I guess people younger than me can't relate to this,
but I had the board game Jumanji before the Robin Williams movie came out.
Not a lot of movies based on board games. There was that movie where Eddie
Murphy and Martin Lawrence go to jail, based on the board game Life.
Monopoly. That should be a movie. I'll riff on that in a second.
In the mean time, isn't the word, Monopoly kind of an oxymoron? It
literally means One-Many.
Uh-oh. I've got One Too Many Railroads.
That's what NOBODY SAID EVER. Not in our railroad obsessed culture.
Kids these days can't get enough railroads, as far as they're concerned!
Anyway, back to Monopoly: The Movie. Wait, back to railroads.
In 2009, Barack Obama, with the huge mandate of winning a presidential election
and being the most captivating candidate to do so since JFK, he took all that
goodwill, all that power to introduce whatever political policy he wanted, and
his first thing was, Let's make some more railroads! Fast Ones!
Did we ever even get that done? Or were Republicans so obstructionist that
they were like RAILROADS?!?! NO WAY!!! Not in my
Anyway, Monopoly: The Movie. Mussolini, a rightwing
Fascist, came to power because he wanted to make the trains run on time.
People loved it. Barack Obama, a moderate who some say was born in Hawaii
and cut his teeth in Chicago, they wouldn't even let him build some
railroads! They must have had a monopoly on existing public
transportation. This is how old the program I use for Web Editing is--
Barack isn't recognized as a word. Obama is, though. Which leads me
to believe either Microsoft was familiar with the last name Obama, or,
more likely, I added it at some point to the program's dictionary.
Anyway. I've never heard of another guy named Obama. Not even a
family member (other than his immediate nuclear family). I never saw a
story where Hey, Jimmy Obama's in the news again. Anyway.
Thanks to Trump ineptness/nefarious master plan for some reason, I look forward
to welcoming North Korea into our global Nuclear Family.
Monopoly: The Movie. What am I, a hacky rightwing
comedian from 2009? "Obama is an uncommon name! I'm not
used to it! Let's use that to subconsciously call attention to the
fact that he... looks different than other presidents, let's say."
George Bush, not only were we used to the name Bush, we were used to the
complete name George Bush. Bill Clinton? George
Clinton. Tony Clifton. Tilda Swinton. Harvard and Princeton.
Huh whats going on. Monopoly: The Movie. What paragraph are we
into, anyway. Sixth. Great. What if they just scrapped the
entire plot of the board game, but just used CGI to make The Monopoly Man a
leading character in other movies. Instead of George Clooney leading an
intricate heist of a casino with a group of eccentric and likable criminals,
it's a CGI version of The Monopoly Man. Jurassic World, but you replace
Chris Pratt with a CGI version of The Monopoly Man running to and from
dinosaurs. I could go on forever. It works with every
Wow. Are there any movies where his
whole look actually fits the movie? He could play John Bolton in
the upcoming sequel to Vice which is about how we got into the Iran War.
"Iran War," doesn't sound right. We already got The Iraq War.
We'd probably just call it The War With Iran. Like in Afghanistan.
No one calls that The Afghanistan War. Similarly, no one calls The Iraq
War, "The War With Iraq." We get settled into these linguistic habits that
probably, one would imagine, are relevant but who knows. Is the
national slogan of Iran, "I Came. I Ran. I conquered?"
Cause it should be. It's also the slogan of that pervert homeless guy who
hangs around my house, looking through my window at nights.
He jerks off to me. Then he runs away.
Then he feels empowered by sexual victory. There was a brief period
during my mental illness where I was scared there was a homeless guy living in
my attic. And he could somehow see me through the air conditioning/heating
vents. Also, that he was the same person as a homeless guy I met back in a
park in Manhattan. He followed me home for some reason. Also, that
took place during my mental illness, as well. Anytime you talk about a
homeless person you met and spent time with, either you're Bill Murray in
Groundhog Day desperately trying to save someone's life to no avail, or you
yourself are dealing with mental health issues. Going Now This Guy
I must have said this here before, but my worst
experience with a homeless person ever was, I was walking around NYU, eating a
bagel with cream cheese, and a homeless guy asked me for money, and I said I
couldn't help him, and he was like, Oh So You Can Afford A Donut But You Got
Nothing For Me? And I was truly, deeply offended that he thought I was
eating a donut. And not a bagel with LOW FAT cream cheese.
I ate a donut today. It's Called Lunch Did Ya Ever Hear Of It? What
paragraph are we into now. Ninth. How about that. I got money
on poker because I won a Freeroll a few days ago. Trying to stretch it out
as much as possible by only playing A Few Hours a day as opposed to All The Time
All Day. Also keeps me fresh and focused when I do play, so not only does
it last more days that way, but I play better, so it should theoretically mean I
lose the money at a less rapid pace.
Tenth paragraph. 5:11 P.M. right now. Figure I'll
eat dinner around 7:00 PM EST. Who would do the voice of The Monopoly
Man. Also, is he a Motion Capture CGI where Andy Serkis is playing him
front of a green screen or whatever? Or just completely animated?
This is how old the program I'm using for Web Editing is-- it doesn't recognize
Serkis as a word. I like Andy Serkis' claim to fame in motion
pictures-- I'm Everybody Whose Not Real! Not a lot of people
can claim to be everybody in every movie. Anyway, what else
is going on. Oh, Hey, I saw Glass two weeks ago, and it was great! I
loved it! That's my hot take on movies.
I guess 15 paragraphs is a reasonable goal to set for this
entry. 67% there already! I was watching some daytime talk show
where they were blasting movies about serial killers (I guess there's a new one
coming out with Zachary Efron or something?) because they glamorize serial
killing and giving the serial killers free publicity so more people will want to
be serial killers. I don't see it. No one's picketing the National
Holocaust Museum because it's gonna make people want to be Hitlers, are they?
No one's saying let's boycott Godzilla: King Of The Monsters, it only
encourages people to be a Godzilla. Well, I guess that one is because
Godzilla is a good guy in that movie. We need all the Godzillas we can
get! You wanna be a Godzilla? There should be some sort of federal
subsidy program where we help people become Godzillas.
It would be nice to have a being less of a monster
than our current president in the oval office. Zinged 'Im.
12th paragraph now, right? Wonderful. Kenny Bania should be our next
president. Why is it called the, "Oval' Office? It should be the
'Round' Office" That's Gold Jerry! Late night infomercials
trying to sell overpriced gold plated memorial coins should also hire Kenny
Bania. The host goes, and, once again, what is this coin made from?
...Lets bring out our good friend Kenny Bania, and the crowd goes crazy
because they know what's coming, and he comes out and goes That's Gold!
None of this is gold. Not even silver. Not bronze. Maybe
copper. That's the worst of the minerals.
I guess you could say I'm really out of my element.
Really? Cause you've been doing this for seven years. Yeah, but
I'm no good at it. Well, I know that, but I didn't realize
you did, too. Penpenultimate paragraph. Cleaned up my
room and partially my bathroom a few days ago. I felt like doing a
Productive and that's what came about. Godzilla wouldn't fit in the
Oval Office. Trump barely fits in the Oval Office! The man
weighs over 300 pounds. Or, in the words of his doctor, Trump is
The Thinnest Man since that movie which a member of Michael's Generation has no
idea about other than the title! I don't know. I assume it was
an early adaptation of that Stephen King book which became a mediocre yet
entertaining enough movie.
Alright then. Man Stephen King has written a lot
of stories. Hundreds of 'em! Maybe even thousands! Good for
him. I mean, I get that a lot of people do want to be Nazis.
And perform hate crimes on Jews and others. But not a lot of people want
to be a Hitler. They're relatively un-ambitious with their racism,
hate, and violence. Although, if anybody did want to be a Hitler,
I'd look at the people who work with Trump either in politics or in the media.
If there was, theoretically, a subset of the population who Wanted To Be A
Hitler, then it's some of the people on Fox News or Infowars or in Trump's inner
circle. That's not even a joke. If those people exist, then, there
Last paragraph theoretically! Well that last
paragraph was kind of a bummer. Oh well, such is life. This was
a good entry totally unaided by the drinking of alcohol or the promise of
drinking alcohol either partway through the entry or at the end of the entry.
Alcohol was totally absent from the equation! Except for a brief
discussion of it showing up in the last paragraph. Such is life.
Next entry'll be a new paragraph. Going back to White Font On Black
Background. I've been waiting all month for that! Awesome. My
shower was clogged for a while. I had been noticing for several weeks,
after taking a shower, there was some water pooling up, obviously with the drain
open, but it went down quickly when I was done with the shower. Then, I
took a shower a few days ago, water pooled up, 30 minutes later, still pooled
up! So I put my hand in there, conveniently cloaked with a rubber
glove, and pulled out some hair and guck and then the next time I took a shower
there was no pooling. However, when I let the bath run with the drain
open, just to test it, there was some pooling, and it took a while for it to go
down. So progress was made but I'm still settling for a less than ideal
situation. True Story.
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Everyone's Got Titles
But I've got the most of 'em!
That's actually probably true. If you surveyed every person alive, I've
got to be in the top .001% of having written the most titles for things, right?
Maybe not .001%. Certainly 1%, probably .1%. .001%? I don't
know. Off the top of my head, can't think of much competition.
Guided By Voices is doing pretty good, but did they write a blog for six years?
Cause if they did, That Would Be Awesome! I got both Music & Blog!
Hard for any mere mortal to top that. Good point, Vampires and
The Undead may have written more titles than me. I don't care how
infrequently you write things that need titles, you hang around long enough,
you're gonna be in the discussion.
Anyway. Evening Entry. Either without any aid
from alcohol, or maybe one or two drinks, tops. We'll see. Just ate
dinner, gonna write a few paragraphs, take a walk, come right on back to the
Paragraphing. Started a new phase of Diet. When I started dieting, I
gave myself an allowance of 1200 calories a day (and for a few months, really
averaged around 1000). Then I actually did average 1200 for a few months.
Then bumped it up to 1500 calories a day for a few months. Now I'm up to
1700! I can't believe it! I get to eat a slightly larger lunch
and have one more banana-calorie-sized snack! Movin' up in the world!
Also, I made the huge life decision to dramatically cut Soda Consumption, if not
eliminate it completely. I heard that soda was bad for weight, even if
it's diet, and specifically increases your waist size. My waist size is
my biggest problem! However, the size by which I Waste
My Life, while considerable, doesn't bother me too much these days.
So, great, what else. I like this thing with Trump
coming in to defend those Catholic Protester Kids who were obviously racist but
that one main guy wasn't as overly aggressive as we first thought (although you
can tell he's a jerk!). The part I like about it is that some of these
kids will grow up, but Trump never will. In 10 or 20 years, I would
venture to guess 50% or more of those jerks are gonna be like I was so young
and immature, I realize now what I was doing and feeling was wrong.
And Trump's gonna be dead and have no room for improvement. Jokes on
him! The ultimate joke. Death.
I was thinking about that old tale of Humpty Dumpty and
if I could make some sort of analogy to Trump. Had to do with Walls, the
king's horses and men couldn't put Trump back together again. I don't
know-- there's something there, but what am I supposed to do, spend two minutes
putting the obvious pieces together and make it a worthwhile insight?
Why bother putting the pieces together, it's just gonna break anyway.
And nobody'll be able to put it back together again. Pity. I have a
weird recurring dream involving Fake Commercials. Like, I'm watching TV in
the dream, and Fake Commercials start showing up. And they're upsetting
for some reason. It's like, these commercials are from an alternate
universe, not just alternate from ours, but from the already somewhat-alternate
universe my dreams exist in. An even MORE alternative universe.
The stuff of nightmares, that is.
Anyway. Weightwise, I'm comfortable with the number
I'm at, I could lose another 5 pounds to be perfect, but the waist size still
ain't on track. Hoping getting rid of soda'll do that. It has a
higher chance of working than you'd instinctively think. You'd
instinctively think, c'mon, not gonna make a difference. But it
might! Only one way to find out! I don't like the use of that phrase
Only One Way To Find Out! usually implying Well, go ahead and do it,
or some variation of that. There's PLENTY of ways to find stuff out.
I'm sure if we did some brainstorming we can find an easier and more effective
way to find out other than following through on this bullshit.
Sixth Paragraph. What in the world. I feel
like this has been a productive week because I spent an hour and fifteen minutes
messing around on my 8 Track and got the basics of a new song down, and spent
another hour and fifteen minutes continuing Brian Posehn's book, Forever
Nerdy. I was in a different zone reading it this time compared to a
couple of months ago, and suddenly the confessional nature of it, coupled with
its relate-ability, made it seems like a whole new book. Sometimes a
change in perspective is all you need to see things differently. Good
Fortune Cookie. That's gonna be my new line of Fortune Cookie
Fortunes. Obvious sayings that don't offer anything insightful.
Sometimes waking up is the first part of your day. Or When you
think things through, they are more well thought out. Or how about
When you're thirsty, take a drink! You temporarily won't be as
thirsty anymore. I think I'm on to something there. Alright, I'm
gonna take a Walking Break now.
I'm gonna end Walking Break
now. Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall. I should be writing for MAD
Magazine. If Trump was 1000% more clever, and his own antagonist, he'd
call himself Trumpty Dumpty. That's my hot take on things. It's
good because it also calls to mind how he resembles a steaming pile of shit.
Dump. Heh. Anyway, hi! Gonna go ahead and half that 1-2 Units
of Alcohol. Why not. Weezer released a surprise album of covers.
And half of them are songs I really like! And the other half are songs
that are fine, I got no problems with them! Anyway, let's get back into
Entry Writing Mode.
Only at the eighth paragraph just now. Hmm. We've
got some work to do. Saw my therapist today. We made a nonbinding
agreement that if I still got nothin' going on in six months, I'll start looking
for work. I'm banking on the idea that in six months she'll forget
about this. And then I can say, hey, how about if, in six months, I
still got nothin' going on, I'll start looking for work? And she'll go
Great idea! And I think we both know what happens six months
from then. Start it all over again! It's a never ending pattern of
no achievement. Such is life. I don't have a problem looking for
work in the abstract sense, but she wants me to look for work with this program
the hospital is affiliated with. Sort of like a work-release program for
the insane. I don't wanna be associated with that kind of
riff-raff! That kind of riff-raff either meaning the kind of people who
would employ that kind of riff-raff or the riff-raff of the insane people
RifRaf would be a good rapper name, especially if your
name was Rafael. Or Rafaelatino. Or Rafaelopolous. Anyway,
what else is going on. Forget it, Rapapopolous is a better rapper name.
I don't know what I'm talking about. What do I got on the docket for
tomorrow. What kinda Vaguely Productive Thing can I do? Work on
music some more. The song I'm working on now is real intricate.
The verse has a chord progression of C, G and the chorus has a chord
progression of Em, G. With some D7s thrown in there for good measure!
It's very exciting is the point. I think D7 may very well be my favorite
chord. I never really thought about it, but just seeing D7 written a few
sentences ago made me have a strong emotional reaction to seeing it and I don't
think I'd get that kind of feeling with any other chord. I'm a fan of Em7,
that's pretty good. Bb, of course. It's a good chord musically, and
written out, hilarious. bb. I can't stop laughing! F# is not
without its charms. What the Hell.
It might be easier to list the chords I don't
like. C#, that comes to mind immediately. It's not funny like Bb is.
It's just burdensome. Maybe if it was called Db, we could talk.
Maybe Holden Caulfield's brother is really a C#. Something to
consider. I think I'm just gonna end this entry after this paragraph.
Maybe make that the new thing to do, write 10 paragraph entries, but more often.
Seems like a good way to use all this free time I've been having for some
reason. Also, it would give me more opportunities to pad the number of the
amount of titles I've written. Sure, I'm ahead of the game at this point,
but that's exactly when you don't wanna start getting lazy. That's when
people start to catch up. I'll see you guys later!
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Is The Title Part Of The Entry?
Sure, it is. It's the main part.
Counterpoint: It's the segue between No Entry and the Entry Itself. It's
the doorway, not part of the room. Well, wonderful. Mary Oliver
died. Marry Oliver? What's that, some sort of Reverse Cinderella?
Think about it. Think. Thi-- Okay, You Got It. Wasn't much
to get. It only made about 70% of sense. Close enough!
Passed the 2/3rds threshold, passed the 65% passing grade threshold, passed the
60 senate votes filibuster proof. All in all it covered almost all of the
thresholds. This will be a rare entry in that I do not plan to drink at
all during it. Subject To Change! Good title for a book where
there's a new narrator each chap-- ah forget it my line of jokening has become
stale and un-inspired and not un-boring.
Started this entry between Ordering Dinner and Eating Dinner.
Figure I'll do about 2 or 3 paragraphs, Eat Some Dinner, Take A Walk, Write Some
More Entry. So I got that going for me. Boy that's a lot to have
going for you at one time. You mean to tell me you're planning on eating,
moving your body, and writing several paragraphs, All In One
Day? My hat's off To Me. Then right back on.
What am I supposed to do, hold my hat in my hand for the rest of the day?
Bullshit, I'm putting it back on my head. When I was in Hebrew School,
they let you wear baseball caps or presumably other kinds of hats in lieu of
wearing a Yarmulke. Not sure what kind of example they were setting with
that. I mean, on the most basic level, they figure, Well, there's a
thing between Him and God, he's covering himself [no pun intended lol.
right God? you're listening to me, I know it. Anyway...]
But, on another level, you're instilling the idea in these kids, This is
bullshit, wear a Yankees cap to your so called profound religious awakening.
What kind of jerk decided how to spell Yarmulke in
English. How do you pronounce the word? Ya-ma-kuh? Well,
I'm just gonna throw in an, "L," and an, "R," in there, that sounds better,
trust me. I don't know if it's originally a Hebrew word or a Yiddish
word, and to be honest, I don't care to find out. So, what, where am I in
the entry. Halfway through Third Paragraph, no dinner in sight yet!
I'm gonna see Glass tomorrow, and I really shouldn't have read the blurb of one
review for it, because now I'm preparing myself for a Mediocre Movie. I'd
have been a lot happier being excited about it all week and then being
disappointed. This way, there's no excitement at all this week, and I'll
probably end up being satisfied when taking into consideration my adjusted
expectations. That's 0 Positivity and 1 Neutral. If I was excited
and then disappointed, there's at least 1 Positivity in the whole equation.
As a rule, I'd rather cycle between positivity and disappointmentitude than just
endless neutrality. Where's the fun in that?
That's not a real rule. I'll probably forget it by
the time I'm into the next paragraph. But, so what, great. I
started doing Sit Ups every day, and each day I've been gradually increasing the
amount I do, and I figure at this rate, no one will ever see me without a
shirt on. So what, great. So I see that Giuliani's new stance is
that There Was Collusion Between Trump's Team and Russia To Influence The
Election But Trump Was Indifferent To It. The last part he didn't
explicitly say, but, I guess, that's their best alternative as opposed to him
actually ordering it. He Could Have Done With It, He Could Have
Done Without It. Leave The Man Alone!
That might be Republicans' future excuse for allowing
Global Warming to not just continue, but increase. I wasn't
actually doing the drilling! Let's put the blame where it belongs
instead of on scapegoats! So, great, what else. Fifth paragraph?
That's not bad for a Pre-Dinner Portion. I have this weird habit, which is
somewhat embarrassing, of picking at my facial hair and pulling it out.
It's not like a sex thing, or that I get off on the pain. It doesn't hurt
at all. It's very much equivalent to biting my nails. Just a nervous
tic. I don't even realize I do it until I'm about to pull out the hair
because then I think Oh, Great. Now I'm At One Less Hair, So That's One
More Hair I'm Closer To Not Having Any More Hair To Pull Out, And Plus, Now My
Facial Hair Won't Be Symmetric. Welp, Better Make The Next Hair I Pull Out
On The Opposite Side Of My Face In The Same Spot. I figured it's time
I come clean with you, so now I can go out in public and continue doing it!!!
I'm able to stop myself from doing that in public, as well as
biting my nails for the most part. I hate it, though. I'm much
happier when I shave completely because I don't have to deal with the stress of
each day having odder and odder patterns of facial hair. But I like
having some facial hair, aesthetically. It's a very complicated issue
that I really should talk to a psychiatrist about but it never really came up.
And I have no idea how apparent it is to other people. Specifically when
I'm getting my haircut, and I usually get a shave, too. Like I said, I
make an effort to keep it as symmetrical as possible. But They Know Hair.
They never say anything, or give me weird looks, but they gotta be thinking,
something's going on with this guy's facial hair. But they show no
sign. So am I getting away with it? I Don't Know!
Hey, what else is going on. Seventh Paragraph.
Probably will be eating within the next 15, 20 minutes. Is Trump friends
with O.J. Simpson? It just seems like they would be friends. And
we're a tweet away from Trump vowing to find The Real Colluders. Hey
Man, Collusion Isn't A Crime! Well how about Conspiracy?
Shut Up! What a time to be alive. I think my Finger Nail Biting
is in a worse place than The Hair Thing. To some extent, I enjoy biting my
fingernails. I get disappointed when they're all bitten out and I got
nowhere to bite. The hair thing, it's the opposite. I hate that I'm
doing it but it's too hard to continually stop myself each time I start puttin
my hand up there.
What a time to be alive. I don't eat the hair,
though. I don't eat my finger nails, either, though, I guess. Spit
them nails out in the garbage, what kind of animal do you take me for. Oh
That's Another Negative Thing! If I go a really long session pulling out
hair, which is rare but may happen, gotta worry about, ah, my bed or whatever
might have a noticeable amount of short facial hair on it. The
remnants of both habits are part of the problem. Gotta destroy the
evidence. Anyway. Haven't eaten yet. Figure I'll finish 10
paragraphs before my Walk to have a nice clean separation of segments.
Ninth paragraph! Sure you can psychoanalyze what kind
of guy picks at his facial hair. Have a ball! E-mail your
conclusions to email@example.com.
I may read the top responses on the air! I've been using that username
since 1998 or 1999 when I was a fan of the wrestler Mankind, but now when I use
it, I like to think of it as meaning, in terms of someone thinking about me, "Man.
Kind guy!" Funny how things evolve over time like that. Another
good interpretation is "This Guy Is A, 'Mankind Guy." Like, some
sort of representation of Mankind-- in the appropriate form of A Guy! Or,
maybe this guy used to like wrestling and either holds some sentimental value
for this username or maybe he's just too lazy to come up with a new one.
Lots of possibilities!
10th paragraph! Food Ain't Here Yet! Should Be
Soon! Either Way, Gonna Take A Break After This One! Wonderful.
It turns out the entries are better when I'm not half drunk. Who would
have guessed? Reasonable Adults? Hey that subset of people
sounds great I'd like to meet them someday. Seriously thinking about
starting a new round of music soon. I got some ideas to work with to get
me started. I figure like that's a productive use of my time. Plus,
haven't really completed a whole song with the new 8 Track Recorder I got last
summer. Played around with it a bit, and it's great, but haven't really
explored its full potential. This Paragraph Is Boring. How
Dare You Waste My Time You Dolt. I Was Thinking About Extending Some
Modicum Of Respect To You, But This Changes Everything! Break Time.
Oh, also, just to clarify one small point about the hair
picking. It's not like I'm just yanking out a piece of hair-- I could
see how that might be vaguely painful or produce some sort of tangible
sensation. I sort of gently massage it between my fingers, twisting it a
little bit here and there, and then it comes out effortlessly without any sort
of pain or resistance or anything. I don't know why making that
clarification would make anyone go OH OKAY NOW I GET IT. I just
kind of felt that might explain it a little bit better. Anyway, off to
take my walk now! I just ate! Then felt Weird about this Over-share.
Then Figured This Qualification Would Help Make You Go OH OKAY NOW I SEE.
Also, "I sort of gently massage it between my fingers, twisting it a little
bit here and there, and then it comes out effortlessly without any sort of pain
or resistance or anything." is a segment from my upcoming book,
Masturbating Micropenises For Dummies.
Hey I'm Back. I was
just thinking about how we call stupid kids, "slow," and smart kids, "fast."
Or, we used to, when it was less politically incorrect. But it really
should be the other way around. Here's my thinking: Smart kids can
hold a thought for an extended period, considering all the facets of what
they're conceptualizing, all the implications, and think critically for a
prolonged period of time. Stupid kids, you try to introduce any kind of
intellectual conce--- "DONT GET IT! NEXT!"
Makes sense to me. You can be stupid a lot quicker than it takes to be
smart, is the point.
Great! So this is the 13th paragraph, and 20 seems like
a logical goal to set. Gonna stick to No Drinking tonight. Have
1.5-2 drinks before Glass starts tomorrow. Probably continue that when I
get home. That's my weekly drink allowance, get off my back about it.
I had an English teacher named Ms. Glass in the 7th grade. The most
memorable moment of that class was she told us using clichés is good because
they're tried and true and there's a reason why they're clichés. Or
something like that. And I told my Mom about it and I think she called the
school to complain. So that's a story from my past.
I couldn't have been happy with my Mom taking that course of
action. After that, all the teachers must have looked at me and been like
this kid is a dick. snitches get stitches. Now that I think
about it, that would explain that time a group of teachers beat me up in the
bathroom. What else is going on. I may have stole that memory
from an Eminem song. Wouldn't surprise me. Probably 20-30% of my
recollections from that time period are false memories based on Eminem lyrics.
I bet Trump could relate to Being Stupid Quickly. Here's my impression of
how Trump might describe his intelligence-- I'm the smartest guy I know.
I think so quickly, it's like I didn't even think at all. That's how smart
I can see that being pretty correct. Anyway, into
the 15th paragraph now. Gettin' safely into 2019 these days. I think
I'm growing comfortable with it being The Year That It Is. Whattado after
this entry is over. Probably just chill out and listen to music, shower,
chill out again and listen to music some more, then go to sleep. One of
the two light bulbs in my bathroom went out a few days ago, so I took a shower
with the door open. I didn't want the second bulb to go out and suddenly
I'm in the shower and it's pitch dark. Although, I guess, it still would
have been pitch dark with the door open, but I would have had an opening in case
some monster showed up, where I could quickly run out of the room without having
to deal with the hassle of turning a door knob. Cause that's when They
Getcha. When You're Tryin' To Turn The Door Knob.
Don't make a rookie mistake when it comes to dealing with
potential monsters! Keep the doors open! If you take one thing away
from this entry, let it be that. Alright, 75% done with the entry. I
feel like this is a solid B+ entry compared to other entries. And,
Compared To Everything, a solid C-, I'd give it. That's not bad!
Something rates as a C-, that means it's almost adequate and potentially worth
your time! Anyway, let's keep it goin', shall we. There was an
interesting article in the New York Times today called, "Is Ancient DNA Research
Revealing New Truths, or Falling Into Old Traps?" Interesting in the sense
that this is what creative nonfiction is and this is why I don't like
Boring! I read the whole thing, though. It
was so boring I couldn't put it down! These days, it was a relief to just
be Bored for half an hour. I never get that anymore. What else do I
got going on. Figure I'll probably just take a shower as soon as I'm done
here, then chill out and listen to music. It's getting late enough into
the evening to do that. Making some more progress on mandolin. At
the point where I actually have some sort of chord progression that could lend
itself to a new song. Just as likely the chord progression is the chord
progression of a song I hear all the time and just haven't placed it yet.
I feel like that's probably a universal experience which happens a lot when you
play an instrument. You think you just intuitively came up with something
new, but it's really just something you've heard a thousand times before and
just can't immediately place it.
That's my guess. 18th paragraph. Penultimate To
The Penultimate. My Dad was telling me he's a little embarrassed to
get me 15-20 bottles of soda every week from the supermarket. The cashiers
always half-jokingly ask him if he's throwing a big party or something. I
didn't realize they were Soda Shaming him so I felt bad, but that's on them, not
on me. If I want 20 2 liter bottles of soda every week, who cares?
It's your job to ring 'em up, not to judge. Maybe I should have my Mom
call up the manager and see if we can't get them fired or at the very least
receive a stern reprimand.
Wonderful. My other memory from that 7th Grade English
Class was, we were reading a book or play out loud that used both the N-word and
another curse, I think Bitch, and the kid reading it aloud got to Bitch, and
carefully said, "The B Word," and then a few sentences later just flat out said
the N-word in completion. We thought that was pretty funny. He
probably wasn't racist but just some sort of an idiot. We were a class of
Slow Kids (The good slow!) so we kind of gave each other the benefit of the
doubt that we don't harbor racism, we just thought he was a moron.
Okay, let me get this straight. It's a class
of smart kids. So you think he's stupid and not racist. He can't be
racist if he's smart. But he can be stupid if he's smart. Got it.
The soft bigotry of confusing expectations, if you will. Now that I think
about it, what the fuck do I know, maybe he was racist. Anyway, 20th
paragraph. That Soft Bigotry of Confusing Expectations doesn't make a
lot of sense, now that we're getting into it. Yeah well a lot of
things don't make sense. Racism doesn't make sense. That's why we
couldn't fathom it. That sums that up. Figure I'll write one
bonus paragraph, hopefully just one.
It's been fun! I get e-mails from Nancy Pelosi a
lot saying some variant of The Republicans Are Using Dirty Tricks To
Shamelessly Try To Take Away My Majority! Please Donate Whatever!
Now, I'm sure Republicans are doing a lot of crap. But she never explains
exactly how they're trying to take away her majority?? I'm not sure
exactly what that means. I mean, there's millions of things I know the
Republicans are trying to do that are crappy. And maybe there's some of
them, that if she just elaborated, I could take to mean are trying to, "Take
Away Her Majority." But there's just never any details. And it
wasn't a one time e-mail. I get that e-mail a lot. Also, it's not
your majority. It's our majority. Anyway, this entry
calls for another bonus paragraph.
And it's always phrased in such a way that it's an immediate
action, a this-is-happening-right-now! vibe where our donations would
theoretically help alleviate the situation in real time. And I don't know
what the situation is! Keep sending the e-mails, fine, just give me some
details! So. This is what the end of the entry looks like.
I thought it would be different. Such is life and whatnot. I
can't wait for the next month to start so I could go back to White Font on Black
Background. I feel like that's more in my comfort zone. Anyway, the
point is, I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist on Monday. I'll
see ya later.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
I See How It Is
No I don't.
In fact, that's one of my main attributes. Not seeing it how it is.
I see it all distorted and blurry and for some reason the colors are inverted!
But enough about me. Wait a second, the rest is gonna be about me, too.
What am I supposed to do, write about you? I don't know you at all!
You're not Abraham Lincoln, are you? Cause I know a little bit about
him. He was very tall and had an affinity for all kinds of hats.
Babe-ra-Ham Pinklin would be a good name for
a pig. Triple pun score! Pink isn't a pun, but it applies to pigs.
Babe isn't a pun, but it's the name of a famous pig. All in all, I think
it's a winner.
Anyway. I think "Blue Lives Matter," counter protesters
should have counter-counter protesters mocking them by saying, "Pink Lives
Matter." Cause they're pigs. And I'm not talking about, "Black Lives
Matter," changing to, "Pink Lives Matter." This is a third, entirely
independent group. There's the group that thinks black lives matter (makes
sense to me!). There's the group that think blue lives matter (probably
racists!). And then there's a group that think pink lives matter (get a
load of these jokesters!). Anyway that's how I think the world should
Cool! Is, "Blue Lives Matter," even a thing or did I
just conjure that out of thin air. I'm pretty sure I've heard that
somewhere. Although it is amusing and telling that they inherently think
of the police as the antithesis to the black community. Anyway, New Entry!
I wrote the first paragraph before dinner. I wrote the last paragraph and
am writing this one before Walk. Then I will write the rest After Walk.
Gonna pick up Beer on my Walk. Is that alright with you, Mother?
Anyway. You kind of are my Mother. And by you, I mean this website.
Generally, as a rule, I feel like I'm talking more to My Computer than I am to
any sort of imagined possible audience. This is between me and this
Computer Program For Web Editing, you're all just onlookers. Welp, that's
a paragraph! Gonna take a walk now!
And I'm back. Great. That walk was
torture without being able to type my thoughts. Hmm, what was I
thinking that was so important. Pretty much 30 minutes of some variant
of Well I'm Walking Now. Do That Pretty Often. How Far Into My
Walk Am I? A Little Bit Further Than A Couple Of Minutes Ago. Now
How Far Am I. I Remember During Past Walks Being This Far Into The Walk.
Wasn't Much Walking Left After That Point Then. Must Be Almost Done
Walking By This Poi-- Ah, I'm Home. Wonderful! Although today it
was added by thinking about what I just wrote. Thinking, I guess, "Pink
Lives Matter," is probably already a thing. For LGBTQ people. In
today's modern age, LGBTQ people can't be happy with being identified by one
color, can they? Certainly not all LGBTQ have an affinity for the color
pink. Stop trying to put people in boxes, man. Unless being
put into boxes is what they're into. I know I am. Oh, boy, am I.
Now you know my secret shame. Ordering stuff on Amazon
every week just to get those cardboard boxes. Gettin' into the boxes.
Closing them on top of me. I'm gettin' hot just thinking about it.
Anyway. Yeah I know "box" is a slang term for vagina. I chose to
go another way with it. Was gonna get beer at the corner store, but
they were closed, so I went to Key Food. I bought some gum at the corner
store yesterday, and I was still chewing my last piece of gum from the previous
pack, and I felt pressure to spit it out before I entered the store, even though
I wasn't done with it. You see a guy chewing gum, buying more gum, you're
gonna think he's some kind of gum junkie. I don't need the hassle of this
guy behind the counter judging me and my habits.
So, great, here we are. Gonna crack open a beer.
Cause I'm an adult! I perform Adult Actions like drinking beer and buying
gum and considering the LGBTQ community. That's what I was thinking on
my walk, pretty much. I wrote down a few weeks ago something about
how, in LGTBQ parameters, "I'm Q, for 'Quuuuuuuute!'" but I decided it
would just confuse people. So I chose to never say that to anyone.
Oh. Oh No. Oh No. Anyway, gonna take the first
sip of beer now. Adult! What paragraph are we into. I'm gonna
guess, "Sixth." Why did I put Sixth In Quotes. It's like I
temporarily became Donald Trump for a second. Jeez. I had
just taken the first sip of beer, wrote that sentence, and I put, "Sixth," in
quotes. Now I know how our president thinks! Wait There I did it
again! Oh that time it's right. Whew.
So what paragraph is it anyway. Yeah I was right,
that was six, this is seven. What kind of fun am I gonna have tonight!
Writing here in silence. I haven't listened to music at my computer in a
long, long time. I still listen to music often on my phone. Just not
on the computer. I wonder why. Welp. I'm just waiting for the
inevitable tweet where Trump inadvertently says something like, "I'm Doing a
"Great" Job as President!" Seems like we're due for something like that.
What else. Oh, so, of course, I was always against building a wall against
Mexico, and always thought it was stupid, but every day it becomes stupider and
stupider. And we're being forced to think about it every day, on his own
terms! And every day it just gets stupider and stupider. You want
to build a wall. A 2000 or whatever mile wall. To keep people out.
Forget it being a waste of money, or completely ineffective, or really not
needed at all because we don't have an illegal immigration problem [in
that it's not in huge numbers and in that who the fuck cares let these people in
its good for us economically and culturally and morally], which is all true.
It's just the most fundamentally retarded thing I ever heard.
That's my hot take on current events. Anyway. I
like this story about the TV show from the 50's where a guy named Trump wants to
build a wall. And you think you're surprised? Imagine those
fictional people on the TV show still being alive! When Our Trump came
along they musta been like Oh Shit We've Seen THIS Before! I don't
know. That stuff doesn't interest me that much, though. When you
deal with mental illness like me, you realize there's coincidences like that
everywhere. Doesn't fascinate me. What else and whatnot.
4/7ths done with American Horror Story. I like how it re-uses the same
actors because it makes it less scary. It's like, Oh, I've seen you
before in another role. I know you're just playing pretend and not
really this person you claim to be. Gives me a chance to opt out of
committing to the reality of this plot completely. Whew.
Hot take. Current. Events. I think
Trump thinks he's gonna win this Shutdown Fight because he knows we know that he
really, truly doesn't give a shit. He thinks that's his advantage.
I could go forever ruining these government workers' lives, can you
live with that? Little does he know fuck you you ain't getting no
shitty wall. Right? I guess. I've expanded my Soda
Selection Collection to include Diet Root Beer. Every week, I get Diet
Orange, Diet Pepsi, Diet Root Beer, Diet Dr. Pepper. I need some variety
in life. I don't care what other people say, I need to have variety!
What are other people saying about my Soda
Selection Collection. Probably that the title needs some work.
Selection Collection sounds kind of repetitive and it might be able to work just
by choosing one of those two words. Anyway. First time I've
bought beer in a while. I may have had a beer at Christmas, I forget.
But I haven't bought beer in a while. It's good! It makes me feel
like a Real Man. Little do people know that underneath it all I'm a
real a Cuuuuuuutey who can't get enough of boxes. Well, they know now.
Such is life. Being cute and loving boxes isn't in direct opposition to
being a Real Man. It's just a very specific kind of Real Man.
So, wonderful, great. What paragraph are we into now.
11th. What else is going on. I'm not really much of a, "Cutie," to
be honest. And boxes are only okay. I've been living a lie for the
last four paragraphs. But now I'm here, living my truth! My truth
being that I'm in the 11th paragraph. Makes sense to me. Welp.
I was thinking about how different this website would be if I did any editing.
Like, actually made an effort to have each entry be its own thing, and work as a
real piece of writing or something. And then I was thinking about how that
was a good idea but there's no way I would ever do it. Sounds like too
much work. And that's no good for either of us. If it sounds like
too much work, that means it'll be too much work to write, and to be read, it
would reek of effort. And who wants that?
Not me. So, yeah, great. Days I Drink, I
pretty much give myself an allowance of Maintenance Calories. Figure I
burn around 2000 calories a day, allow just as much to eat/drink.
Otherwise, try to limit it to 1500 calories. So the point is I Just Had A
Small Ice Cream Sandwich. That's not only the point of this paragraph so
far, but the point of my life. It all revolves around Yeah But Get To
The Part Where I Eat Ice Cream Sandwiches. Which was Just Now!
It was a lot of fun. It's over now. But I don't feel bad. It
was worth it! And it'll happen again at some point. Maybe not
tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. But maybe tomorrow! That's
how desserts make me feel.
Jeez. Almost done with this one 25 oz can of beer.
Have a second one waiting in the wings. That should do the trick I figure.
I think I blame music for making me want to try alcohol and drugs.
Specifically Sublime. One of my main biggest musical influences when I
first started taking seriously getting into music in high school. 40 Oz
to Freedom. Smoke Two Joints. Well I guess that's what
young adulthood is like. Beer and weed. When do I get started?
College? Okay I can wait. ... ... ... Then again, no one's
ever proven me wrong that young adulthood is Beer And Weed.
Except for hard alcohol. It makes a compelling case
that Beer isn't necessary. Could have been worse. Sublime could have
made their affinity for Heroin more attractive. Then where would I be?
Somewhere not good, that's where. I don't know. I'm usually playing
poker or something while writing these entries. A second activity to keep
me busy. Not right now, though! I'm drinking Root Beer even while I
drink Beer. I need the variety. Going back and forth between 'em.
Root Beer, Beer, Root Beer, Beer... I can simplify this!
Root... [Silence], Root... [Silence.] I just took out the word Beer.
Talk about efficiency!
15th paragraph. Talk about efficiency!
Movie called, "The Root of All Beers." Beers rhymes with Fears.
Root isn't synonymous with Sum but seems to apply to the phrase just as well.
Job Please. I listened to, "In Too Deep," by Sum 41 earlier today.
I like listening to music. Job Please. I was never
much of a Pop-Punk fan when I was younger, or as I was older, but I like the
basics and find it fun for the right occasion. I like some of the bands
that can be considered Pop-Punk but Pop-Punk wasn't the overarching theme
of what I was into. Job Please. I figure if I say that
every few sentences someone's just gonna give me a job eventually. I've
had worse schemes.
If I had to define the over arching theme of music Iw was
into, defining it at the time, I probably would have gone with Better
Than Emo. In that, my thinking was, this isn't Emo. It's
good! Which I can now see really meant, this is sort of Emo, but
better! Better Than Emo. That'll sum that up. 41.
Who was our 41st president. Was it Clinton? Bush Part I? Yep,
Bush Part I. I assume Sum 41 is a reference to him. The first
association I had with the number 41 was what president was that.
It's also one less than 42, which is a Sci-Fi Book Super Number. Also,
(19)41 was a Steven Spielberg Flop and when Pearl Harbor happened. Oh
okay now I get it. In Too Deep. Makes sense now.
17th paragraph. Aiming for, lets say, 25.
That's not too much overkill. But just enough that it's Still Too Much.
I started chewing Peppermint gum instead of Spearmint. I dare you to find
fault with that! I was a little upset to find out how much calories sugar
free gum was, though. I was always operating under the assumption that
each stick was 2 and a half calories. For some reason. Now it turns
out I've been chewing 3 and a half calorie gum. That adds up quickly!
You chew 5 pieces of 3 and a half calorie gum a day, you will be over 1 and a
half pounds heavier at the end of the year than if you weren't. By chewing
a not obscene amount of sugar free gum. Think about that one!
Of course, by chewing the gum, you may eat less here and
there, because gum has satisfied your needs. So that changes everything.
But the point is what else is going on. Today's the one month anniversary
of my birthday. If we had sex on my birthday, you'd be pregnant by now!
I Am So Sorry. What Can I Do To Help You Get An Abortion. Should I
do it myself? I know how much you hate doctors. Let me figure out
how to do it myself. I put that baby in you, and by god, I'm gonna get it
out of you! Anyway. Starting to figure out the Mandolin a
little bit. Even by playing it upside down. I'm no expert but I can
noodle around on it a little bit and it makes sense. And the tuning
finally makes sense to me. I can just play the open strings and it doesn't
make a chord or anything, sure, but I'm getting used to the overall feel of that
sound. And I'm also figuring out some quasi-chords that do make sense.
So, sure, that's great. What really made everything
click was there's an episode in American Horror Story where someone's playing a
Theremin, I think, which I believe has a similar tuning structure to the
mandolin, because suddenly I got what was going on with the mandolin. So
that TV show did me a real Solid. I owe ya one! First song I
write on Mandolin is gonna be dedicated to American Horror Story, you can count
on that! You can also count on abacuses. I didn't get abaci until American
Horror Story, but now, oh boy, howdy, yowsa. Microsoft FrontPage
accepts both abacuses and abaci as words. Internet confirms both are
acceptable. I thought I was being funny by saying both, thinking that at
least one (probably abaci) wasn't real. They're both real.
I don't know. 20th paragraph. Six
to go in theory. In Theory. I've been having a lot of weird
nightmares lately. I can't even remember but I remember them being weird.
Such is life. I truly believe that dreams sort of tap into some collective
unconscious of us as humans, and aren't just Freudian stuff about ourselves.
I don't know what I'm basing that on. Maybe the movie Waking Life, which I
haven't seen since I was a teenager, but I remember thinking as a teenager, I
like this movie, this is the kind of movie I'm supposed to like, it's the movie
equivalent of Better Than Emo.
Wonderful. To be honest, I would have been
surprised if even one of, "Abacuses," and, "Abaci," was a word. How
often do you need to refer to multiple abacuses? Nope. Both words.
I'm gonna have nightmares tonight! Of abacuses, and the words
used to represent them, apparently. I like the word because the first
four letters contain the first three letters of the alphabet. Talk
about efficiency! Wonderful. Hey, only four and a half paragraphs
more to go! That seems doable. How has this entry been so far.
Decent? I don't know. I'm On Beer! I like buying beer from a
cashier whose clearly a teenager. I Can Do This, But You Can't!
I get off on that shit, boy howdy.
Nope. I've smoked maybe 5 Camel Blues in the last
year. Started out with Camel Blues (after the first few months trying out
different stuff), then transitioned to Camel Blues and Newport, and slowly
Newport overtook Camel Blues to the point where it's pretty much exclusively
Newports. I feel bad for Camel Blues. They had their day in the sun
and now they're off to have to fulfill some other sap's smoking addiction.
I say. Which means "Good Voyage!" in some language I don't care to
understand. Also, I added the accent mark to the, "E," just so, ya
know. You get it. Job Please. Moving on.
Nope. I don't think I'm drunk enough. I mean,
I'm drunk enough now. But will I be drunk enough to get me through the
night? Based on recent experience, I'm gonna pop in some DVD when this is
over. Be Drunk while it's going on, ideally. I'm not drunk enough to
enjoy one of my bullshit DVDs. I do have more Alcohol when this beer is
over. But do I really want to go down that road? I don't know.
Never been down that road before. Didn't really pop up until just now.
Anyway. I was re-reading the last entry when I bad mouth Creative Non
Fiction and I found it amusing to discover this pretty much is Creative Non
Fiction. Totally unfocused, no point, no plot, no exposition, no nothing,
just randomness-- but mostly Creative Non Fiction nonetheless. Oh well,
such is life.
Like, if I had to classify it logically, sure, it's Creative
Non Fiction. But if I turned in something like this into a class in a
Creative Non Fiction MFA Program, they wouldn't like it. That's my guess.
Hey It's The Penultimate Paragraph. Wonderful. Hey what if I
re-watch Jurassic Park: The Lost World. That's a great movie.
One of my most frequently watched movies on VHS as a pre-pre-teen child.
The one problem I have with it is there's a scene where a guy puts on his
headphones during lunch so he can't hear his friend's screams when dinosaurs are
eating him. You're on a fuckin' island with dinosaurs. Don't put on
head phones and chill out. There's dinosaurs around! You need to be
fucking listening out for dinosaurs. If not for your friend, then for
So, wonderful, 25th paragraph. Maybe a bonus paragraph
or something after, I truly don't know at this point. When I was a
kid, my parents didn't even like the idea of my walking down the sidewalk with
headphones on. Let alone on fuckin' Dinosaur Island. Sometimes I
think about what it would be like to be hit by a car or something. Would
you even feel pain if it's hard enough and you get knocked out? Or would
you just wake up later and they'd be like Oh you were hit by a car thanks for
waking up. In that split second, how could you even register the idea
of pain in such a short time? I don't know. Something to think about
when you're getting me a Job Please.
Bonus paragraph! See, if you give me a job, I'm not
stingy with the Bonuses. I'd give you Bonus Paragraphs whenever, wherever.
Totally Pro Bono. Just something to sweeten the pot.
Which is what my dealer said when he added crack to my weed without my
knowledge! Jokes. I don't know. How could it be
without my knowledge if he said it. He said it to himself. I didn't
hear him. I only found out he said it after the fact. Satisfied?
I haven't bought weed or smoked more than one hit at a time since 2010.
That'll show Sublime for trying to corrupt an innocent youth! Why, it
makes me so mad, it, well, it makes me want to write another paragraph!
Huh? I don't know. But it led to one more
paragraph, so we got that to be thankful for. I feel like this entry is a
solid C+ compared to other entries. The best of the best entries are C+'s
in the big scheme of things, compared to everything. This is a C+ only
compared to the best of the best of these entries. Which is still a C+,
when you think about it. So, great, what else. What do you
mean What Else. This is a Bonus Paragraph. There's no What Else.
It's only Wrapping Things Up. Leave the What Else's to the Penultimate
Paragraphs. Which this may be, if I write another bonus paragraph.
Which I won't. I'll see ya later!
Friday, January 4, 2019
Where We're Going, We Don't Need Titles!
Talk about a dystopian future. No
titles? Life as we know it would no longer exist. Anyway, Hi!
Update on my future as an MFA Student-- doesn't look like it will happen.
Got a response from one of my past teachers who is part of the program, whom I
asked for a recommendation, and she said my work doesn't warrant a
recommendation! On the one hand, this is good news, because I've been
having second thoughts about the whole thing, and this provides me some cover
with my parents about backing out. On the other hand, Not Good Enough?
What Are You Talking About I'm Great. On the third hand, Yeah
You're Right These Writing Samples From The Class Are Not Good At All.
On the fourth hand, Then Again, How Dare You. On the fifth hand,
Thanks for being honest. On the sixth hand, I have way more hands
than Vishnu, at least I excel at something.
Trump must be loving this shutdown. If you had told
him in one of his previous jobs he could just stop paying his workers on the
basis that it might help him get something that makes no sense, is constantly
changing, and most people don't want at all in the first place, he'd be like,
Whatta deal! And I know deals because I pretend to be an expert at them.
In reality, can't even make a deal to keep my workers working and getting paid.
But we now know, from the beginning of this paragraph, he doesn't give a fig
about them, so what's his motivation?
Anyway, Friday Afternoon Entry. I like those. On
the basis that they make no sense, are constantly changing, and most people
don't want at all in the first place. Whatta deal! I have
been thinking lately, though, about personality traits I share with Trump.
I am, to some extent, a narcissist. Not clinically so. But there is
a part of me that thinks Yeah I'm Pretty Great and I operate under that
delusion when working (writing, etc.) The difference is, to be a writer, I
think you gotta operate under that delusion to some extent. To be
president, not really helpful.
Also, we both constantly spout nonsense with no self
awareness or remorse. That's another similarity. What's a third
similarity. I don't know if Trump even has a third personality trait.
Narcissism and Nonsense. Good title for a book on Trump's mental
illnesses. Or mine, I guess, it turns out. It has alliteration so
you know it's good. Anyway. Democratic Congress is in session!
That's gotta be fun for them. They're like Hey We Get To Do Things!
And doing things is fun, that's my opinion. So, will they accomplish a
lot? Maybe not. But will they have fun? That's what really
counts. To maximize individual fun is to maximize fun for all. You
could read about it in my book, Fun Economics.
Anyway. Gonna have a drink or three throughout the
entry, starting... Now. Well, in ten seconds. I'm finding it
physically difficult to type at the exact same time as pouring a drink and
drinking it. It's not like I have six hands or something. Where
would you get that idea from? What else. The reasons I had second
thoughts about the Creative Writing MFA were (1) Not sure if it's really the
kind of writing I'm interested in. The comparison I made to my Dad was, he
likes math, but does that mean he should have been an accountant? I think,
if I did enroll in the program, I'd quickly realize This Isn't Really What I
Want To Do At All. (2) Not 100% happy about the workload it would
entail. Was finding it really hard to motivate myself just to write the
sample for the application, so how would I feel about actually doing the work
for three years? (3) I'm in a pretty good groove of writing here once a
week and sporadically working on other stuff. I don't like the idea of
doing it indefinitely without any promise of a real thing coming along, but for
now, I'm satisfied. (4) The workload, social interaction, and the
nature of Creative Nonfiction itself might trigger some of my dormant mental
illness symptoms, maybe. Can't explain how! I don't need to explain
myself to you!
If I was writing Creative Nonfiction about myself, I might
have to explain myself to you. And I don't like that at all! It
would possibly trigger my dormant mental illness symptoms. There, I
explained it to you. By saying I wouldn't and then qualifying how I
wouldn't by actually doing it. Pretty creative, huh? And
that's some Nonfiction you can take to the bank. Don't know why you'd take
it to the bank. Unless there's some sort of theoretical bank that stores
Nonfiction and hopefully you get some sort of interest on the Nonfiction so in a
year you have 2% more nonfiction. But there's no such bank yet, to my
Anyway. Hi! Haven't checked my weight in a couple
of weeks, but looking in the mirror, I think I'm making some progress. And
you can take that to the bank. Progress Bank. That's a good,
generic, positive sounding name for a bank. I'd sign up an account with
Progress Bank. What paragraph is this. I'm gonna guess 5th.
Seventh. Well don't that beat all. What else is going on in the
wide world of sports. First entry of the year. Reversed the color
scheme for the month. Still watching American Horror Story. Probably
gonna go see Vice tomorrow. In an empty theater. Just me and Fiction
Dick Cheney. The way God intended.
What the what. Saw the Doctor yesterday and my blood
pressure was really low. I feel like that's a good thing. Even if
it's too low. I feel that means I'm closer to being a Zombie than most
people, and in the end, isn't that what we all want? We won't admit it,
but c'mon. You want to be a zombie. You'd get to eat delicious,
delicious brains without the negative societal implications were you not a
zombie. I don't like the slang use of Zombie as meaning some sort of
adherent to mass consumerism, or mass delusion, or pretty much participating in
some sort of mass Thinking or Behaving in any sort of way. Zombies are
rebels! You'd never eat brains, would you? They do! You'd die
if you were shot in the heart. They wouldn't! You can walk upstairs.
They refuse to! Zombies are punk.
Cool. Ninth paragraph. Also, the biggest
"Zombies," in the world, in the slang sense, are religious people, who all put a
premium on the idea that we have to die and what happens next is some key tenet
of whatever religion they're in. Zombies are like Fuck That. No
dying for me! Unless my brain is impacted. Do zombies go to
Heaven once they die finally? I don't know. No one has ever really
dealt with the question of if zombies have souls or whatnot. Anyway, I
don't know. Took me half an hour to write eight paragraphs. That's a
pretty good rate in my opinion. And you have to accept my opinion because
you're reading what I say. What are you gonna do, read what I say without
Zombily following along with my implicit narrative and thinking while writing
it? I highly doubt it!
Cool. When a redneck becomes a zombie, they're called a
Zom-billy. That's my expert opinion. Back when I was writing the
first paragraph, and talking about my six hands, I originally wrote I almost
have as many hands as Vishnu!, thinking he had eight hands, but consulted
the internet and it turns out he only has 4 hands. So that diminished my
opinion of him by 50%. What kind of Super God only has four hands, and
not eight? He's a lot worse than I thought. You know, that sort
of thing. I'm assuming he has two feet, so that brings his limbs up to
six, which is pretty good, but it's no eight (or ten!) limbs.
So far my impression of this year has been 2019? No,
pretty sure it's still 2018. That doesn't make sense when I write it,
but that's pretty much how I feel. For example, yesterday. 1/3/2019.
I'm kind of like, No, 1/3/2018 sounds more correct. Better get your
facts straight. I think it stems from still thinking of 2017 as
Last Year. I can accept I'm one year removed from 2018, but I can't accept
I'm two years removed from 2017. If that makes any sense at all.
I know it doesn't. But might as well write how I feel. That's
(Not) Creative Nonfiction for you! Anyway. I could still send that
Teacher a better writing sample than things I had submitted for the class I took
with her, and prolong this facade of wanting to and actually applying for the
program. And maybe I should. But I don't want to.
Although, on the other hand... (Hey I'm up to seven hands!)
12th paragraph! Awesome. What do I got in store
for tonight. More American Horror Story, probably. It's a scary
show. It plays on all my fears and self doubt and confusion stemming from
dealing with mental illness, specifically because this season is about an
abusive mental hospital where many of the patients aren't crazy.
I like how it makes me uncomfortable. Who wouldn't enjoy that?
It all boils down to how I feel when binge watching any series-- well,
pot committed to watching this whole thing. And 90% of the enjoyment I
get out of it is One episode closer to finally being done with it.
Wonderful. The poker website I deposited money on three weeks ago and
completely lost all my money on two weeks ago gave me $1.75 on Christmas, so now
I refresh it every 20 minutes to see if they decided to give me more money.
It's a long shot, I know.
Cool. I need to go back to the Open Mic before it may
be gone/changed after February. I feel like I need some closure before
it's gone. Also, what else. I'll be having dinner in two and a half
hours. Life is Good. I get to eat! More than many people in
Yemen can say. The last few days I've been feeling more passionate about a
lot of these crisis-es in the world that I have logically been against, but not
really thinking about. Like Yemen, the terrible treatment people get from
ICE, and stuff like that. Part of it feels good, though, to be honest, to
find out that I have some sort of humanity in me. But then, part of it
feels even worse, that I get some sort of Feeling Good from it.
Then part of me feels even worse for exaggerating the last two claims
when I don't really feel them much at all. You figure out that logic!!!
Anyway. At this point, into about 1.15
Drinks. When I do afternoon drinking, I usually limit it to, on average, 3
drinks, whereas if it's nighttime drinking, it's closer to 4.5 on average.
So I got that going for me is the point. That's the hard part about
writing and doing creative stuff while mentally ill (Note-- "That" refers to
something I was saying many paragraphs ago-- you'll find out when the next few
sentences clarify!). Talking to my psychiatrist/therapist about working on
creative stuff semi-regularly as if its productive. Because, Yeah, it
probably won't lead to a job. But part of me has to believe it possibly
will! Not because I'm crazy and have delusions of grandeur regarding my
talent. But because that's how you have to feel to write confidently!
I think. I think that's just how it works! I think.
At least I think. That separates me from Trump. I
got that Narcissism and Nonsense but it's rooted in relatively reasonable
Thinking. Anyway. Seeing Patton Oswalt in early March.
Hopefully doing comedy. Maybe he'll just stand there saying Take A Good
Long Look! and do nothing for an hour and a half, I don't know. Off
the top of my head, I can't think of a straight-up comedian set I've seen live.
I've seen Open Mic comedians, I've seen Improv, I've seen Comedy Podcasts, and
I've seen stuff like Tim & Eric and Tenacious D, but I don't think I've seen any
standard professional comedian act. I guess the time has finally come.
What else. What paragraph are we into now. I'd
guess 14. 16th! The good news keeps on comin'. Well,
what else. I figure I should be almost done dieting by Patton Oswalt Show
where I can start transitioning to a maintenance diet instead of dieting diet.
That's how I measure time. I'm on Standard Patton Oswalt Time.
Let's see, this should be done around the next time I see Patton Oswalt...
this'll take a while, should be ready by the fourth time I'll see Patton Oswalt...
That sort of nonsense. I had a dream I was playing Mandolin and suddenly
it sounded right and I was like So This Is How Mandolins Sound Good!
Then I woke up and it was Nonsense All Over Again.
17th paragraph. What the what. At this point,
aiming for around 25. Who knows for sure where we'll end up, though.
Since I'm already drinking I need to plan Tonight as if it's an I'm Relatively
Drunk Night and figure out a way to maximize the pleasure to accommodate that.
Might require me to have an extra drink after my after dinner walk, to make it
legit, but still, that's the direction we're going in. Yeesh. I
think I'm okay with not being Spiderman-Age anymore. A lot of Superheroes
are young men and not teenagers. I gotta focus on that. 30 is still
pretty young. I saw a local news segment on John F Kennedy Jr dying at age
38 and they were like We lost him so young. So, when I die when I'm
38, people will interpret it as me being young! Gotta look at the
Also, I had local news. Everything they say is phony.
That's my Holden Caulfield-esque opinion on local news. Well, that's
how I feel about All TV News. It's just that local news's phoniness is
accentuated by their mediocre to adequate and predictable and generic and
uniform production values. That's my Hot Take on things. I don't
know why when I put things in the oven it takes longer than when other people
do. My Dad puts something in the oven, takes 30 minutes. For me, the
same thing, to get it the same well done-ed-ness, takes an hour. Similar
to when I get blood work done for the doctor. When I'm waiting, it takes
about 15 minutes for each person ahead of me. I get there, it takes three
minutes. Maybe I'm just really bad at estimating time when it comes to
things I do versus the amount of time it takes others, or it just takes a lot
longer for things I do than for other people.
My guess is Whatever Who Cares. I like watching
parts of Thirteen Days every few weeks when it's on cable and think about the
Trump administration, and how they'd deal/are dealing with crisis-es. And
by like, I mean, am horrified by. When you think about it,
it's amazing we aren't in Nuclear Winter yesterday. I guess that's
the good part about Trump being Russia's puppet. At least we're not nuking
each other. That's probably his assessment, too. He might be
thinking, with the sole responsible thought in his brain, my one ultimate
goal is Don't Destroy The Human Species Completely. I'm accomplishing
that. So, let's give him credit for that? I don't know, I don't
have all the details.
Although I'd been thinking about it without coherence for a
while, I really started to put together my lack of enthusiasm for Creative
Nonfiction yesterday, while waiting to see my psychiatrist. I always see
him first thing in the morning, but he had to reschedule, so I was seeing him at
4:30 P.M. Totally different mindset. First thing in the morning, I'm
fresh, I know what I want to say, how to give a good impression, then start the
rest of my day when it's over. Late Afternoon? I was out of my
element. So, anyway. I'm in the waiting room, I'm thinking
differently. Start thinking in terms of Creative Nonfiction.
Describing scenes in detail without embellishment and in straight-facts terms.
I didn't like it. There's a lady, probably a doctor, with a baby in a
stroller, rocking the stroller. There's a guy mopping the floor.
That's what's happening. That's all I need to remember. That's the
scene, and afterwards I can inject meaning into it possibly.
I don't like thinking like that. I like being in
the moment, and focusing on my own inner thoughts not necessarily cemented in
the outside stuff going on, not having to remember the play-by-play of the
moment and then make up some significance to what was happening outside me.
That might not make sense, or be an accurate representation of Creative
Nonfiction or the mindset required to write it, but that's sort of how I felt.
Anyway. Jeez. 21st paragraph. At this point, aiming for 30
seems like the thing to do. Already more than 2/3rds there. And I
don't need to put my dinner in the oven until an hour from now, and don't need
to eat until an hour 45 minutes from now.
Cool. About 1.6 drinks in, now, at this point.
Gonna give myself an allowance for up to about 4 drinks. I can choose to
go over, but not aiming for it. May be as low as 2.5! This is
important stuff! Haha made ya read not important stuff.
Practical joke. Started getting Subway for lunch sometimes. I like
it because it's sandwiches. I have no idea what the point of that
sentence was. "I like it because it's sandwiches." Man.
Anyway. That's the thing. I know, "I like it because it's
sandwiches," isn't going to get me a job writing. But I just gotta put
that out of my brain and just keep writing, "I like it because it's
sandwiches," until I develop and develop until I develop a way to say, "I
like it because it's sandwiches," in an original and entertaining and
thought provoking way that can get me a job! Progress is the name
of the game. It's also the name of the bank. And is the name of
anti-congress in a popular joke.
What's the opposite of Progress? Congress.
is the joke. Figured I might as well clarify in case you haven't heard it.
Not 100% a bad joke. Hacky, sure, and relatively obvious when you
think about it, but not without its charm. Anyway. 23rd paragraph.
That's how we do. I like saying I'm, "Interested," in attending Events on
Facebook that I get invited to by Facebook Friends doing Music or Comedy or
Poetry Sets, even if I have no interest in attending. I figure I'm doing
them a solid by doing my small part in promoting their show by adding legitimacy
to it by adding 1 to the number of people being Interested In Attending.
That's my Hot Take on current events.
Cool! Anyway, finished drink #2. I got that going
for me. I tried eating Spinach as a stand-alone food for the first time in
my life last night, and you know what? Wasn't so bad. Part of me
enjoyed it, but then part of me was like, most people don't like spinach.
I'm gonna force myself to interpret somewhat enjoying eating it as mostly not
enjoying it. Just to be a real zombie conformist. Also, there
was an entire episode of Doug relating to not wanting to eat Liver & Onions, and
I like Liver & Onions! But I won't order it too often-- not supposed to
like it! Gotta conform with what other people enjoy eating. I
guess that's why Zombie means conformist. They're conforming to what Other
Zombies like eating. Still doesn't make sense to me. Most people
aren't zombies. They like eating stuff most people don't like. Let's
figure this one out, it doesn't add up to me.
I guess it's because Zombies Don't Think At
All, They Just Walk Around And Eat People. You don't know!
They don't talk, sure, but who knows what kind of rich inner life zombies have?
Not you, that's for sure! Anyway. My 2020's are gonna be the
equivalent to my parent's 1980's. I'm not sure exactly what that means,
but it's true. My parents are exactly 40 years older than me. I was
born in the 1980's. So they became old in the 1980's (Had kids relatively
late into their life) but were also relatively young in the 1980's (Were in
their 30's, the prime of their life). So I'm still trying to figure this
one out, but I still have an entire year before that, so I'm still pretty
young. Nonsense. Lately I've been
experience My Penis Going To Sleep. Like how your arm or toe or whatever
becomes temporarily numb for five or ten minutes. Happens to my penis.
Don't know what that means.
Sure I'll share that with you. It's an important
part of who I am! It's important. I like Patton Oswalt because he's
a Short Man. I also like Jimmy Pardo, Todd Barry, and Jon Benjamin.
That's the real measure of how good a comedian you are. Are ya short?
No? Well, in that case, sorry, can't relate. I'll start your book
but there's no way I'm finishing it! Take that, Brian Posehn.
What else is going on. 26th paragraph. Awesome! I think I have
a habit of overestimating the calories I'm eating, and underestimating the
calories I'm drinking through alcohol. Oh well. No way to remedy
that. I'm set in my ways. I don't know, what else.
Cool! Whatta entry. Lots of bullshit, not a lot
of jokes. But I feel like it's flowing pretty well. Can't argue with
a feeling. Starting Drink #3. Right on track for 4. This
should get me through the next hour 15 minutes until Dinner. Then I got 1
drink left for when I get home to Make The Pain Go Away. The Pain Of Being
Dead. I ended up watching The Green Mile on DVD to have Saturday Night Fun
after last week's entry. It's a good movie. I'd say it's in my top
15 movies of all time. Plus-- I'd say it honestly, actually intending to
convey that I indeed believe it. That's my Hot Take on current events.
Remember Al Gore's channel Current? Where it was like 5-10 minute videos
made by activists and stuff about Real World Stuff? Neither does anyone
First he invents the internet, then he invents YouTube
For Good. Plus, he invented Making An Issue of Climate Change. Yet
no one gives a fig. I've said all along he should run for president in
2020. Unfortunately, people care even less than they did about CurrentTV.
I just love it from a WWF Wrestling Narrative perspective. Which I've also
said before. They Stole The Election From Him, And Now He's On The
Warpath To Take It Back! I guess you could say the same about Hillary
Clinton. But she's not likable. Not like Al Gore is.
Anyway, jeez, what else is going on. I don't get this comparison of
Elizabeth Warren to Hillary Clinton that she's not likable, too. I don't
like it because of the obvious sexism involved, true, but I really don't
like it because she is likable! I really didn't find Clinton all
that likable, to be honest, but I find Warren extremely likable! She's
passionate, she's independent, she's persuasive, and I believe her when she
talks. So that's why I don't like it.
Anyway, what else. The moment that cemented my
ambivalence towards Hillary Clinton was during the Democratic Convention when
she appeared on the big screen in a Big Brother-esque performance about
accepting the nomination. After the delegates voted to confirm her, she
just appeared on a huge video screen and started talking about I forget what.
It just seemed tone deaf and weird. That's my lasting memory of her
campaign. Oh well, such is life. She's okay, though. Overall,
better than most. What else is going on. What paragraph are we into.
29th. I guess aiming for 35 at this point. Any more would probably
be too long. Any less would probably be Still Too Long But What Are Ya
Cool! Still waiting on my birthday present from 2017
from my parents. New TV. Probably would take 30 minutes to find the
right TV and order it. Oh well. I've offered from the beginning to
take care of it myself, but my mother refuses. My prediction is, at some
point, she'll tell me I can take care of it myself, and I'll go, You Could
Have Told Me That 14 Months Ago. Such is life. I like the dinner
I had for last night and have again for tonight. Combination of Steak and
Seafood. So much variety! I got steak-- I got Yam-- I got Stuffed
Shrimp (Containing both Shrimp and Crab)-- I got Stuffed Clam-- I got Spinach.
I could have had Soup-- I could have had Bread-- but I skipped both of those.
Still-- lots of variety even forgoing two things! Talk about a charmed
Jeez. Five paragraphs to go, I guess. Man this
entry is such a white background with a black font. Not like those past
entries with a white font and a black background. Variety is the spice
of life. Hmm, should put some Variety on the Yams to add another
ingredient! Anyway. I could stop before 35 paragraphs, I guess.
This is the 31st. We'll see if we get any further than that, I don't know.
I hope I never become addicted to heroin. A lot of my musical heroes were
addicted to heroin. I never really felt a desire to even try it, but then
again, they probably never did either... until they did. So
gotta look out for that, I guess. At least I'm preparing for it ahead of
time. I got that going for me at least.
Wonderful. Also, who knows, it's possible I've done
heroin accidentally. At this point, that would be a positive thing.
Got it out of the way already and apparently I'm no worse for wear.
Anyway, I don't know. Gonna put food in the oven, let's say, after I
finish this paragraph. Let's not just say it-- let's do it! That's a
plan I can get behind. To get behind something is to be in support of it's
completion. Presumably because once you're behind something you can use
your Pushing Powers to move it forward. Anyway. One of the teachers
who is also part of the MFA Program whom I asked for a Letter of Recommendation
said, "Count Me In," for supporting me for the program. So at least I'm
not a total loser.
I'm gonna skip the spinach for tonight. I know I
relatively liked it but I don't think I'll like it again. Has that
been what this entry has been? Relatively Liking Spinach But Still
Doubting it? I guess so. Oh well. Entertainment
aside, at least now you really know my ambivalence towards spinach.
So we both have that going for us. Two and a half paragraphs to go to
finish 35. And I got 45 minutes till dinner. So let's Knock Some 2.5
Paragraphs Out Of The Spinach-Themed Park! I call it Spinachland.
I'm still working out the schematics. Whatta snooze. Oh well,
such is life. I was just re-reading the e-mail from the teacher and it
wasn't really an outright denial to write a letter of recommendation.
She just said my work from the class wasn't strong enough, which I knew was
true, and encouraged me to send something better.
When I first read it, it sounded like This wasn't good
enough and you can send something better but I'm not impressed. Now,
reading it, it's more like This wasn't good enough but there's a good chance
you are capable of more so get back to me. Crap! Now I gotta do
that maybe. Wonderful. Anyway. One and a half paragraph to go
here. Then, who knows. I'm gonna guess some combination of watching
TV and listening to music. Preceded by the definite activities of eating
dinner and taking a walk. Wonderful. Then, who knows. We
already covered that. I know I'm just trying to pad the length of this
paragraph so after this line of crap it's the next paragraph.
I guess. Doing the MFA would potentially be a real
Spinachland. In that I may enjoy it and it may be good for me but part of
me would feel Do I Really Enjoy This I Don't Know. And that
once I'm eating it I'll like it enough but there's no motivation to actually eat
it again. Also in that it's a leafy, green vegetable high in iron and
calcium which served as fuel for the popular cartoon character Popeye.
Creative Nonfiction. Stating the facts. Anyway, what the what.
Gonna have a solid 30 minutes between Entry and Dinner. I got that going
for me. I guess I'll see ya'll later. Thanks for sticking with me
till the end. I apologize profusely.