Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Titles Never Loved Me Back

        I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the old AIM Instant Messenger Frowny Emoji.  It would have been perfect!  Nowhere to be found on the internet, though.  I assume because AOL considers it copyright infringement.  They're seriously trying to monetize a picture of a yellow face frowning from 20 years ago.  Well, not really.  If they were trying to monetize it I would be able to pay 10 dollars to get access to all the emojis.  They're just being dicks and saying no one can use them.  Man, oh well.  This was before emojis were even called emojis!  We just called 'em ...y Faces.  Frowny Face.  Smiley Face.  Winky Face.  Kids got it easy these days.  Why, because they have the word, "Emoji?"  Yeah!
    Emoji is a movie where you get sucked into a Death Cab For Cutie concert.  And you have to perform various feats of strength to escape.  Anyway, Hi!  Six days since last entry.  That was a ten paragraph'r.  I'm aiming for 15 today.  10 is fine, I guess.  20 would be cake.  That's a new Slang I want to make.  It's based on existing slang but re-appropriating it.  Saying something is, "Cake," meant It's Easy for a while, as in, Easy As Cake (Easy As Cake meant It's Easy for a while, presumably because it's easy to eat?  Easy to bake cake?  I don't know why.  Maybe it was just dovetailing on the popularity of Simple As Pie [Simple As Pie meant It's Easy for a while.  I don't know why.  Because Pie is usually a circle?  Circles are easy?  Circles are actually pretty hard, I don't know]).  But now when I say something is Cake, it means it's great.  Cake is great.  You know, to eat.  Hence the phrase Gimme Some Cake, which means I Love Sweets Give Me Some Sweet.
    That's a paragraph.  Sort of.  Hi!  Uh-oh, I just used the phrase, "New Slang."  Now I owe royalties to The Shins.  What if I said the movie Emoji directs you to a The Shins concert instead?  They'd get ticket sales and that should cover my egregious use of the title of their popular song.  I think the jungle that people get sucked into Jumanji is actually a high priced resort and they use the mystical board game as sort of a promotional tool to get people excited about it.  Nope.  I think a lot of things.  And that ain't one of 'em.  Oh well.  I think a lot of people forget that Jumanji is actually based on an actual board game.  I guess people younger than me can't relate to this, but I had the board game Jumanji before the Robin Williams movie came out.  Not a lot of movies based on board games.  There was that movie where Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence go to jail, based on the board game Life.  Monopoly.  That should be a movie.  I'll riff on that in a second.  In the mean time, isn't the word, Monopoly kind of an oxymoron?  It literally means One-Many.
    Uh-oh.  I've got One Too Many Railroads.  That's what NOBODY SAID EVER.  Not in our railroad obsessed culture.  Kids these days can't get enough railroads, as far as they're concerned!  Anyway, back to Monopoly: The Movie.  Wait, back to railroads.  In 2009, Barack Obama, with the huge mandate of winning a presidential election and being the most captivating candidate to do so since JFK, he took all that goodwill, all that power to introduce whatever political policy he wanted, and his first thing was, Let's make some more railroads!  Fast Ones!  Did we ever even get that done?  Or were Republicans so obstructionist that they were like RAILROADS?!?!  NO WAY!!!  Not in my backyard!
    Anyway, Monopoly: The Movie.  Mussolini, a rightwing Fascist, came to power because he wanted to make the trains run on time.  People loved it.  Barack Obama, a moderate who some say was born in Hawaii and cut his teeth in Chicago, they wouldn't even let him build some railroads!  They must have had a monopoly on existing public transportation.  This is how old the program I use for Web Editing is-- Barack isn't recognized as a word.  Obama is, though.  Which leads me to believe either Microsoft was familiar with the last name Obama, or, more likely, I added it at some point to the program's dictionary.  Anyway.  I've never heard of another guy named Obama.  Not even a family member (other than his immediate nuclear family).  I never saw a story where Hey, Jimmy Obama's in the news again.  Anyway.  Thanks to Trump ineptness/nefarious master plan for some reason, I look forward to welcoming North Korea into our global Nuclear Family.
    Monopoly: The Movie.  What am I, a hacky rightwing comedian from 2009?  "Obama is an uncommon name!  I'm not used to it!  Let's use that to subconsciously call attention to the fact that he... looks different than other presidents, let's say."  George Bush, not only were we used to the name Bush, we were used to the complete name George Bush.  Bill Clinton?  George Clinton.  Tony Clifton.  Tilda Swinton.  Harvard and Princeton.  Huh whats going on.  Monopoly: The Movie.  What paragraph are we into, anyway.  Sixth.  Great.  What if they just scrapped the entire plot of the board game, but just used CGI to make The Monopoly Man a leading character in other movies.  Instead of George Clooney leading an intricate heist of a casino with a group of eccentric and likable criminals, it's a CGI version of The Monopoly Man.  Jurassic World, but you replace Chris Pratt with a CGI version of The Monopoly Man running to and from dinosaurs.  I could go on forever.  It works with every movie.
    Wow.  Are there any movies where his whole look actually fits the movie?  He could play John Bolton in the upcoming sequel to Vice which is about how we got into the Iran War.  "Iran War," doesn't sound right.  We already got The Iraq War.  We'd probably just call it The War With Iran.  Like in Afghanistan.  No one calls that The Afghanistan War.  Similarly, no one calls The Iraq War, "The War With Iraq."  We get settled into these linguistic habits that probably, one would imagine, are relevant but who knows.  Is the national slogan of Iran, "I Came.  I Ran.  I conquered?"  Cause it should be.  It's also the slogan of that pervert homeless guy who hangs around my house, looking through my window at nights.
    He jerks off to me.  Then he runs away.  Then he feels empowered by sexual victory.  There was a brief period during my mental illness where I was scared there was a homeless guy living in my attic.  And he could somehow see me through the air conditioning/heating vents.  Also, that he was the same person as a homeless guy I met back in a park in Manhattan.  He followed me home for some reason.  Also, that took place during my mental illness, as well.  Anytime you talk about a homeless person you met and spent time with, either you're Bill Murray in Groundhog Day desperately trying to save someone's life to no avail, or you yourself are dealing with mental health issues.  Going Now This Guy Gets Me! 
    I must have said this here before, but my worst experience with a homeless person ever was, I was walking around NYU, eating a bagel with cream cheese, and a homeless guy asked me for money, and I said I couldn't help him, and he was like, Oh So You Can Afford A Donut But You Got Nothing For Me?  And I was truly, deeply offended that he thought I was eating a donut.  And not a bagel with LOW FAT cream cheese.  I ate a donut today.  It's Called Lunch Did Ya Ever Hear Of It?  What paragraph are we into now.  Ninth.  How about that.  I got money on poker because I won a Freeroll a few days ago.  Trying to stretch it out as much as possible by only playing A Few Hours a day as opposed to All The Time All Day.  Also keeps me fresh and focused when I do play, so not only does it last more days that way, but I play better, so it should theoretically mean I lose the money at a less rapid pace.
    Tenth paragraph.  5:11 P.M. right now.  Figure I'll eat dinner around 7:00 PM EST.  Who would do the voice of The Monopoly Man.  Also, is he a Motion Capture CGI where Andy Serkis is playing him front of a green screen or whatever?  Or just completely animated?  This is how old the program I'm using for Web Editing is-- it doesn't recognize Serkis as a word.  I like Andy Serkis' claim to fame in motion pictures-- I'm Everybody Whose Not Real!  Not a lot of people can claim to be everybody in every movie.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Oh, Hey, I saw Glass two weeks ago, and it was great!  I loved it!  That's my hot take on movies. 
    I guess 15 paragraphs is a reasonable goal to set for this entry.  67% there already!  I was watching some daytime talk show where they were blasting movies about serial killers (I guess there's a new one coming out with Zachary Efron or something?) because they glamorize serial killing and giving the serial killers free publicity so more people will want to be serial killers.  I don't see it.  No one's picketing the National Holocaust Museum because it's gonna make people want to be Hitlers, are they?  No one's saying let's boycott Godzilla: King Of The Monsters, it only encourages people to be a Godzilla.  Well, I guess that one is because Godzilla is a good guy in that movie.  We need all the Godzillas we can get!  You wanna be a Godzilla?  There should be some sort of federal subsidy program where we help people become Godzillas.  Godzilla 2020.
    It would be nice to have a being less of a monster than our current president in the oval office.  Zinged 'Im.  12th paragraph now, right?  Wonderful.  Kenny Bania should be our next president.  Why is it called the, "Oval' Office?  It should be the 'Round' Office"  That's Gold Jerry!  Late night infomercials trying to sell overpriced gold plated memorial coins should also hire Kenny Bania.  The host goes, and, once again, what is this coin made from?  ...Lets bring out our good friend Kenny Bania, and the crowd goes crazy because they know what's coming, and he comes out and goes That's Gold!  None of this is gold.  Not even silver.  Not bronze.  Maybe copper.  That's the worst of the minerals.
    I guess you could say I'm really out of my element.  Really?  Cause you've been doing this for seven years.  Yeah, but I'm no good at it.  Well, I know that, but I didn't realize you did, too.  Penpenultimate paragraph.  Cleaned up my room and partially my bathroom a few days ago.  I felt like doing a Productive and that's what came about.  Godzilla wouldn't fit in the Oval Office.  Trump barely fits in the Oval Office!  The man weighs over 300 pounds.  Or, in the words of his doctor, Trump is The Thinnest Man since that movie which a member of Michael's Generation has no idea about other than the title!  I don't know.  I assume it was an early adaptation of that Stephen King book which became a mediocre yet entertaining enough movie. 
    Alright then.   Man Stephen King has written a lot of stories.  Hundreds of 'em!  Maybe even thousands!  Good for him.  I mean, I get that a lot of people do want to be Nazis.  And perform hate crimes on Jews and others.  But not a lot of people want to be a Hitler.  They're relatively un-ambitious with their racism, hate, and violence.  Although, if anybody did want to be a Hitler, I'd look at the people who work with Trump either in politics or in the media.  If there was, theoretically, a subset of the population who Wanted To Be A Hitler, then it's some of the people on Fox News or Infowars or in Trump's inner circle.  That's not even a joke.  If those people exist, then, there they are.
    Last paragraph theoretically!  Well that last paragraph was kind of a bummer.  Oh well, such is life.  This was a good entry totally unaided by the drinking of alcohol or the promise of drinking alcohol either partway through the entry or at the end of the entry.  Alcohol was totally absent from the equation!  Except for a brief discussion of it showing up in the last paragraph.  Such is life.  Next entry'll be a new paragraph.  Going back to White Font On Black Background.  I've been waiting all month for that!  Awesome.  My shower was clogged for a while.  I had been noticing for several weeks, after taking a shower, there was some water pooling up, obviously with the drain open, but it went down quickly when I was done with the shower.  Then, I took a shower a few days ago, water pooled up, 30 minutes later, still pooled up!   So I put my hand in there, conveniently cloaked with a rubber glove, and pulled out some hair and guck and then the next time I took a shower there was no pooling.  However, when I let the bath run with the drain open, just to test it, there was some pooling, and it took a while for it to go down.  So progress was made but I'm still settling for a less than ideal situation.  True Story.

-5:51 P.M.          
   
     

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Everyone's Got Titles

        But I've got the most of 'em!  That's actually probably true.  If you surveyed every person alive, I've got to be in the top .001% of having written the most titles for things, right?  Maybe not .001%.  Certainly 1%, probably .1%.  .001%?  I don't know.  Off the top of my head, can't think of much competition.  Guided By Voices is doing pretty good, but did they write a blog for six years?  Cause if they did, That Would Be Awesome!  I got both Music & Blog!  Hard for any mere mortal to top that.  Good point, Vampires and The Undead may have written more titles than me.  I don't care how infrequently you write things that need titles, you hang around long enough, you're gonna be in the discussion. 
    Anyway.  Evening Entry.  Either without any aid from alcohol, or maybe one or two drinks, tops.  We'll see.  Just ate dinner, gonna write a few paragraphs, take a walk, come right on back to the Paragraphing.  Started a new phase of Diet.  When I started dieting, I gave myself an allowance of 1200 calories a day (and for a few months, really averaged around 1000).  Then I actually did average 1200 for a few months.  Then bumped it up to 1500 calories a day for a few months.  Now I'm up to 1700!  I can't believe it!  I get to eat a slightly larger lunch and have one more banana-calorie-sized snack!  Movin' up in the world!  Also, I made the huge life decision to dramatically cut Soda Consumption, if not eliminate it completely.  I heard that soda was bad for weight, even if it's diet, and specifically increases your waist size.  My waist size is my biggest problem!  However, the size by which I Waste My Life, while considerable, doesn't bother me too much these days.
    So, great, what else.  I like this thing with Trump coming in to defend those Catholic Protester Kids who were obviously racist but that one main guy wasn't as overly aggressive as we first thought (although you can tell he's a jerk!).  The part I like about it is that some of these kids will grow up, but Trump never will.  In 10 or 20 years, I would venture to guess 50% or more of those jerks are gonna be like I was so young and immature, I realize now what I was doing and feeling was wrong.  And Trump's gonna be dead and have no room for improvement.  Jokes on him!  The ultimate joke.  Death. 
    I was thinking about that old tale of Humpty Dumpty and if I could make some sort of analogy to Trump.  Had to do with Walls, the king's horses and men couldn't put Trump back together again.  I don't know-- there's something there, but what am I supposed to do, spend two minutes putting the obvious pieces together and make it a worthwhile insight?  Why bother putting the pieces together, it's just gonna break anyway.  And nobody'll be able to put it back together again.  Pity.  I have a weird recurring dream involving Fake Commercials.  Like, I'm watching TV in the dream, and Fake Commercials start showing up.  And they're upsetting for some reason.  It's like, these commercials are from an alternate universe, not just alternate from ours, but from the already somewhat-alternate universe my dreams exist in.  An even MORE alternative universe.  The stuff of nightmares, that is.  
    Anyway.  Weightwise, I'm comfortable with the number I'm at, I could lose another 5 pounds to be perfect, but the waist size still ain't on track.  Hoping getting rid of soda'll do that.  It has a higher chance of working than you'd instinctively think.  You'd instinctively think, c'mon, not gonna make a difference.  But it might!  Only one way to find out!  I don't like the use of that phrase Only One Way To Find Out! usually implying Well, go ahead and do it, or some variation of that.  There's PLENTY of ways to find stuff out.  I'm sure if we did some brainstorming we can find an easier and more effective way to find out other than following through on this bullshit.
    Sixth Paragraph.  What in the world.  I feel like this has been a productive week because I spent an hour and fifteen minutes messing around on my 8 Track and got the basics of a new song down, and spent another hour and fifteen minutes continuing Brian Posehn's book, Forever Nerdy.  I was in a different zone reading it this time compared to a couple of months ago, and suddenly the confessional nature of it, coupled with its relate-ability, made it seems like a whole new book.  Sometimes a change in perspective is all you need to see things differently.  Good Fortune Cookie.  That's gonna be my new line of Fortune Cookie Fortunes.  Obvious sayings that don't offer anything insightful.  Sometimes waking up is the first part of your day.  Or When you think things through, they are more well thought out.  Or how about When you're thirsty, take a drink!  You temporarily won't be as thirsty anymore.  I think I'm on to something there.  Alright, I'm gonna take a Walking Break now.

    I'm gonna end Walking Break now.  Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall.  I should be writing for MAD Magazine.  If Trump was 1000% more clever, and his own antagonist, he'd call himself Trumpty Dumpty.  That's my hot take on things.  It's good because it also calls to mind how he resembles a steaming pile of shit.  Dump.  Heh.  Anyway, hi!  Gonna go ahead and half that 1-2 Units of Alcohol.  Why not.  Weezer released a surprise album of covers.  And half of them are songs I really like!  And the other half are songs that are fine, I got no problems with them!  Anyway, let's get back into Entry Writing Mode.
    Only at the eighth paragraph just now.  Hmm.  We've got some work to do.  Saw my therapist today.  We made a nonbinding agreement that if I still got nothin' going on in six months, I'll start looking for work.  I'm banking on the idea that in six months she'll forget about this.  And then I can say, hey, how about if, in six months, I still got nothin' going on, I'll start looking for work?  And she'll go Great idea!  And I think we both know what happens six months from then.  Start it all over again!  It's a never ending pattern of no achievement.  Such is life.  I don't have a problem looking for work in the abstract sense, but she wants me to look for work with this program the hospital is affiliated with.  Sort of like a work-release program for the insane.  I don't wanna be associated with that kind of riff-raff!  That kind of riff-raff either meaning the kind of people who would employ that kind of riff-raff or the riff-raff of the insane people themselves. 
    RifRaf would be a good rapper name, especially if your name was Rafael.  Or Rafaelatino.  Or Rafaelopolous.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Forget it, Rapapopolous is a better rapper name.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  What do I got on the docket for tomorrow.  What kinda Vaguely Productive Thing can I do?  Work on music some more.  The song I'm working on now is real intricate.  The verse has a chord progression of C, G and the chorus has a chord progression of Em, G.  With some D7s thrown in there for good measure!  It's very exciting is the point.  I think D7 may very well be my favorite chord.  I never really thought about it, but just seeing D7 written a few sentences ago made me have a strong emotional reaction to seeing it and I don't think I'd get that kind of feeling with any other chord.  I'm a fan of Em7, that's pretty good.  Bb, of course.  It's a good chord musically, and written out, hilarious.  bb.  I can't stop laughing!  F# is not without its charms.  What the Hell.
    It might be easier to list the chords I don't like.  C#, that comes to mind immediately.  It's not funny like Bb is.  It's just burdensome.  Maybe if it was called Db, we could talk.  Maybe Holden Caulfield's brother is really a C#.  Something to consider.  I think I'm just gonna end this entry after this paragraph.  Maybe make that the new thing to do, write 10 paragraph entries, but more often.  Seems like a good way to use all this free time I've been having for some reason.  Also, it would give me more opportunities to pad the number of the amount of titles I've written.  Sure, I'm ahead of the game at this point, but that's exactly when you don't wanna start getting lazy.  That's when people start to catch up.  I'll see you guys later!

-8:59 P.M.                         

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Is The Title Part Of The Entry?

        Sure, it is.  It's the main part.  Counterpoint: It's the segue between No Entry and the Entry Itself.  It's the doorway, not part of the room.  Well, wonderful.  Mary Oliver died.  Marry Oliver?  What's that, some sort of Reverse Cinderella?  Think about it.  Think.  Thi-- Okay, You Got It.  Wasn't much to get.  It only made about 70% of sense.  Close enough!  Passed the 2/3rds threshold, passed the 65% passing grade threshold, passed the 60 senate votes filibuster proof.  All in all it covered almost all of the thresholds.  This will be a rare entry in that I do not plan to drink at all during it.  Subject To Change!  Good title for a book where there's a new narrator each chap-- ah forget it my line of jokening has become stale and un-inspired and not un-boring.
    Started this entry between Ordering Dinner and Eating Dinner.  Figure I'll do about 2 or 3 paragraphs, Eat Some Dinner, Take A Walk, Write Some More Entry.  So I got that going for me.  Boy that's a lot to have going for you at one time.  You mean to tell me you're planning on eating, moving your body, and writing several paragraphs, All In One Day?  My hat's off To Me.  Then right back on.  What am I supposed to do, hold my hat in my hand for the rest of the day?  Bullshit, I'm putting it back on my head.  When I was in Hebrew School, they let you wear baseball caps or presumably other kinds of hats in lieu of wearing a Yarmulke.  Not sure what kind of example they were setting with that.  I mean, on the most basic level, they figure, Well, there's a thing between Him and God, he's covering himself [no pun intended lol.  right God?  you're listening to me, I know it.  Anyway...]  But, on another level, you're instilling the idea in these kids, This is bullshit, wear a Yankees cap to your so called profound religious awakening.
    What kind of jerk decided how to spell Yarmulke in English.  How do you pronounce the word?  Ya-ma-kuh?  Well, I'm just gonna throw in an, "L," and an, "R," in there, that sounds better, trust me.  I don't know if it's originally a Hebrew word or a Yiddish word, and to be honest, I don't care to find out.  So, what, where am I in the entry.  Halfway through Third Paragraph, no dinner in sight yet!  I'm gonna see Glass tomorrow, and I really shouldn't have read the blurb of one review for it, because now I'm preparing myself for a Mediocre Movie.  I'd have been a lot happier being excited about it all week and then being disappointed.  This way, there's no excitement at all this week, and I'll probably end up being satisfied when taking into consideration my adjusted expectations.  That's 0 Positivity and 1 Neutral.  If I was excited and then disappointed, there's at least 1 Positivity in the whole equation.  As a rule, I'd rather cycle between positivity and disappointmentitude than just endless neutrality.  Where's the fun in that?
    That's not a real rule.  I'll probably forget it by the time I'm into the next paragraph.  But, so what, great.  I started doing Sit Ups every day, and each day I've been gradually increasing the amount I do, and I figure at this rate, no one will ever see me without a shirt on.  So what, great.  So I see that Giuliani's new stance is that There Was Collusion Between Trump's Team and Russia To Influence The Election But Trump Was Indifferent To It.  The last part he didn't explicitly say, but, I guess, that's their best alternative as opposed to him actually ordering it.  He Could Have Done With It, He Could Have Done Without It.  Leave The Man Alone!
    That might be Republicans' future excuse for allowing Global Warming to not just continue, but increase.  I wasn't actually doing the drilling!  Let's put the blame where it belongs instead of on scapegoats!  So, great, what else.  Fifth paragraph?  That's not bad for a Pre-Dinner Portion.  I have this weird habit, which is somewhat embarrassing, of picking at my facial hair and pulling it out.  It's not like a sex thing, or that I get off on the pain.  It doesn't hurt at all.  It's very much equivalent to biting my nails.  Just a nervous tic.  I don't even realize I do it until I'm about to pull out the hair because then I think Oh, Great.  Now I'm At One Less Hair, So That's One More Hair I'm Closer To Not Having Any More Hair To Pull Out, And Plus, Now My Facial Hair Won't Be Symmetric.  Welp, Better Make The Next Hair I Pull Out On The Opposite Side Of My Face In The Same Spot.  I figured it's time I come clean with you, so now I can go out in public and continue doing it!!!
    I'm able to stop myself from doing that in public, as well as biting my nails for the most part.  I hate it, though.  I'm much happier when I shave completely because I don't have to deal with the stress of each day having odder and odder patterns of facial hair.  But I like having some facial hair, aesthetically.  It's a very complicated issue that I really should talk to a psychiatrist about but it never really came up.  And I have no idea how apparent it is to other people.  Specifically when I'm getting my haircut, and I usually get a shave, too.  Like I said, I make an effort to keep it as symmetrical as possible.  But They Know Hair.  They never say anything, or give me weird looks, but they gotta be thinking, something's going on with this guy's facial hair.  But they show no sign.  So am I getting away with it?  I Don't Know!        
    Hey, what else is going on.  Seventh Paragraph.  Probably will be eating within the next 15, 20 minutes.  Is Trump friends with O.J. Simpson?  It just seems like they would be friends.  And we're a tweet away from Trump vowing to find The Real Colluders.  Hey Man, Collusion Isn't A Crime!  Well how about Conspiracy?  Shut Up!  What a time to be alive.  I think my Finger Nail Biting is in a worse place than The Hair Thing.  To some extent, I enjoy biting my fingernails.  I get disappointed when they're all bitten out and I got nowhere to bite.  The hair thing, it's the opposite.  I hate that I'm doing it but it's too hard to continually stop myself each time I start puttin my hand up there. 
    What a time to be alive.  I don't eat the hair, though.  I don't eat my finger nails, either, though, I guess.  Spit them nails out in the garbage, what kind of animal do you take me for.  Oh That's Another Negative Thing!  If I go a really long session pulling out hair, which is rare but may happen, gotta worry about, ah, my bed or whatever might have a noticeable amount of short facial hair on it.  The remnants of both habits are part of the problem.  Gotta destroy the evidence.  Anyway.  Haven't eaten yet.  Figure I'll finish 10 paragraphs before my Walk to have a nice clean separation of segments.
    Ninth paragraph!  Sure you can psychoanalyze what kind of guy picks at his facial hair.  Have a ball!  E-mail your conclusions to mankindguy@gmail.com.  I may read the top responses on the air!  I've been using that username since 1998 or 1999 when I was a fan of the wrestler Mankind, but now when I use it, I like to think of it as meaning, in terms of someone thinking about me, "Man.  Kind guy!"  Funny how things evolve over time like that.  Another good interpretation is "This Guy Is A, 'Mankind Guy."  Like, some sort of representation of Mankind-- in the appropriate form of A Guy!  Or, maybe this guy used to like wrestling and either holds some sentimental value for this username or maybe he's just too lazy to come up with a new one.  Lots of possibilities!
    10th paragraph!  Food Ain't Here Yet!  Should Be Soon!  Either Way, Gonna Take A Break After This One!  Wonderful.  It turns out the entries are better when I'm not half drunk.  Who would have guessed?  Reasonable Adults?  Hey that subset of people sounds great I'd like to meet them someday.  Seriously thinking about starting a new round of music soon.  I got some ideas to work with to get me started.  I figure like that's a productive use of my time.  Plus, haven't really completed a whole song with the new 8 Track Recorder I got last summer.  Played around with it a bit, and it's great, but haven't really explored its full potential.  This Paragraph Is Boring.  How Dare You Waste My Time You Dolt.  I Was Thinking About Extending Some Modicum Of Respect To You, But This Changes Everything!  Break Time.
    Oh, also, just to clarify one small point about the hair picking.  It's not like I'm just yanking out a piece of hair-- I could see how that might be vaguely painful or produce some sort of tangible sensation.  I sort of gently massage it between my fingers, twisting it a little bit here and there, and then it comes out effortlessly without any sort of pain or resistance or anything.  I don't know why making that clarification would make anyone go OH OKAY NOW I GET IT.  I just kind of felt that might explain it a little bit better.  Anyway, off to take my walk now!  I just ate!  Then felt Weird about this Over-share.  Then Figured This Qualification Would Help Make You Go OH OKAY NOW I SEE.  Also, "I sort of gently massage it between my fingers, twisting it a little bit here and there, and then it comes out effortlessly without any sort of pain or resistance or anything." is a segment from my upcoming book, Masturbating Micropenises For Dummies.       

    Hey I'm Back.  I was just thinking about how we call stupid kids, "slow," and smart kids, "fast."  Or, we used to, when it was less politically incorrect.  But it really should be the other way around.  Here's my thinking:  Smart kids can hold a thought for an extended period, considering all the facets of what they're conceptualizing, all the implications, and think critically for a prolonged period of time.  Stupid kids, you try to introduce any kind of intellectual conce--- "DONT GET IT!  NEXT!"  Makes sense to me.  You can be stupid a lot quicker than it takes to be smart, is the point.
    Great!  So this is the 13th paragraph, and 20 seems like a logical goal to set.  Gonna stick to No Drinking tonight.  Have 1.5-2 drinks before Glass starts tomorrow.  Probably continue that when I get home.  That's my weekly drink allowance, get off my back about it.  I had an English teacher named Ms. Glass in the 7th grade.  The most memorable moment of that class was she told us using clichés is good because they're tried and true and there's a reason why they're clichés.  Or something like that.  And I told my Mom about it and I think she called the school to complain.  So that's a story from my past.
    I couldn't have been happy with my Mom taking that course of action.  After that, all the teachers must have looked at me and been like this kid is a dick.  snitches get stitches.  Now that I think about it, that would explain that time a group of teachers beat me up in the bathroom.  What else is going on.  I may have stole that memory from an Eminem song.  Wouldn't surprise me.  Probably 20-30% of my recollections from that time period are false memories based on Eminem lyrics.  I bet Trump could relate to Being Stupid Quickly.  Here's my impression of how Trump might describe his intelligence-- I'm the smartest guy I know.  I think so quickly, it's like I didn't even think at all.  That's how smart I am.
    I can see that being pretty correct.  Anyway, into the 15th paragraph now.  Gettin' safely into 2019 these days.  I think I'm growing comfortable with it being The Year That It Is.  Whattado after this entry is over.  Probably just chill out and listen to music, shower, chill out again and listen to music some more, then go to sleep.  One of the two light bulbs in my bathroom went out a few days ago, so I took a shower with the door open.  I didn't want the second bulb to go out and suddenly I'm in the shower and it's pitch dark.  Although, I guess, it still would have been pitch dark with the door open, but I would have had an opening in case some monster showed up, where I could quickly run out of the room without having to deal with the hassle of turning a door knob.  Cause that's when They Getcha.  When You're Tryin' To Turn The Door Knob.
    Don't make a rookie mistake when it comes to dealing with potential monsters!  Keep the doors open!  If you take one thing away from this entry, let it be that.  Alright, 75% done with the entry.  I feel like this is a solid B+ entry compared to other entries.  And, Compared To Everything, a solid C-, I'd give it.  That's not bad!  Something rates as a C-, that means it's almost adequate and potentially worth your time!  Anyway, let's keep it goin', shall we.  There was an interesting article in the New York Times today called, "Is Ancient DNA Research Revealing New Truths, or Falling Into Old Traps?"  Interesting in the sense that this is what creative nonfiction is and this is why I don't like it.
    Boring!  I read the whole thing, though.  It was so boring I couldn't put it down!  These days, it was a relief to just be Bored for half an hour.  I never get that anymore.  What else do I got going on.  Figure I'll probably just take a shower as soon as I'm done here, then chill out and listen to music.  It's getting late enough into the evening to do that.  Making some more progress on mandolin.  At the point where I actually have some sort of chord progression that could lend itself to a new song.  Just as likely the chord progression is the chord progression of a song I hear all the time and just haven't placed it yet.  I feel like that's probably a universal experience which happens a lot when you play an instrument.  You think you just intuitively came up with something new, but it's really just something you've heard a thousand times before and just can't immediately place it.
    That's my guess.  18th paragraph.  Penultimate To The Penultimate.  My Dad was telling me  he's a little embarrassed to get me 15-20 bottles of soda every week from the supermarket.  The cashiers always half-jokingly ask him if he's throwing a big party or something.  I didn't realize they were Soda Shaming him so I felt bad, but that's on them, not on me.  If I want 20 2 liter bottles of soda every week, who cares?  It's your job to ring 'em up, not to judge.  Maybe I should have my Mom call up the manager and see if we can't get them fired or at the very least receive a stern reprimand.
    Wonderful.  My other memory from that 7th Grade English Class was, we were reading a book or play out loud that used both the N-word and another curse, I think Bitch, and the kid reading it aloud got to Bitch, and carefully said, "The B Word," and then a few sentences later just flat out said the N-word in completion.  We thought that was pretty funny.  He probably wasn't racist but just some sort of an idiot.  We were a class of Slow Kids (The good slow!) so we kind of gave each other the benefit of the doubt that we don't harbor racism, we just thought he was a moron.
    Okay, let me get this straight.  It's a class of smart kids.  So you think he's stupid and not racist.  He can't be racist if he's smart.  But he can be stupid if he's smart.  Got it.  The soft bigotry of confusing expectations, if you will.  Now that I think about it, what the fuck do I know, maybe he was racist.  Anyway, 20th paragraph.  That Soft Bigotry of Confusing Expectations doesn't make a lot of sense, now that we're getting into it.  Yeah well a lot of things don't make sense.  Racism doesn't make sense.  That's why we couldn't fathom it.  That sums that up.  Figure I'll write one bonus paragraph, hopefully just one.     
    It's been fun!  I get e-mails from Nancy Pelosi a lot saying some variant of The Republicans Are Using Dirty Tricks To Shamelessly Try To Take Away My Majority!  Please Donate Whatever!  Now, I'm sure Republicans are doing a lot of crap.  But she never explains exactly how they're trying to take away her majority??  I'm not sure exactly what that means.  I mean, there's millions of things I know the Republicans are trying to do that are crappy.  And maybe there's some of them, that if she just elaborated, I could take to mean are trying to, "Take Away Her Majority."  But there's just never any details.  And it wasn't a one time e-mail. I get that e-mail a lot.  Also, it's not your majority.  It's our majority.  Anyway, this entry calls for another bonus paragraph.
    And it's always phrased in such a way that it's an immediate action, a this-is-happening-right-now! vibe where our donations would theoretically help alleviate the situation in real time.  And I don't know what the situation is!  Keep sending the e-mails, fine, just give me some details!  So.  This is what the end of the entry looks like.  I thought it would be different.  Such is life and whatnot.  I can't wait for the next month to start so I could go back to White Font on Black Background.  I feel like that's more in my comfort zone.  Anyway, the point is, I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist on Monday.  I'll see ya later.

-9:33 P.M.           
                  

Saturday, January 12, 2019

I See How It Is

        No I don't.  In fact, that's one of my main attributes.  Not seeing it how it is.  I see it all distorted and blurry and for some reason the colors are inverted!  But enough about me.  Wait a second, the rest is gonna be about me, too.  What am I supposed to do, write about you?  I don't know you at all!  You're not Abraham Lincoln, are you?  Cause I know a little bit about him.  He was very tall and had an affinity for all kinds of hats.  Babe-ra-Ham Pinklin would be a good name for a pig.  Triple pun score!  Pink isn't a pun, but it applies to pigs.  Babe isn't a pun, but it's the name of a famous pig.  All in all, I think it's a winner. 
    Anyway.  I think "Blue Lives Matter," counter protesters should have counter-counter protesters mocking them by saying, "Pink Lives Matter."  Cause they're pigs.  And I'm not talking about, "Black Lives Matter," changing to, "Pink Lives Matter."  This is a third, entirely independent group.  There's the group that thinks black lives matter (makes sense to me!).  There's the group that think blue lives matter (probably racists!).  And then there's a group that think pink lives matter (get a load of these jokesters!).  Anyway that's how I think the world should work. 
    Cool!  Is, "Blue Lives Matter," even a thing or did I just conjure that out of thin air.  I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere.  Although it is amusing and telling that they inherently think of the police as the antithesis to the black community.  Anyway, New Entry!  I wrote the first paragraph before dinner.  I wrote the last paragraph and am writing this one before Walk.  Then I will write the rest After Walk.  Gonna pick up Beer on my Walk.  Is that alright with you, Mother?  Anyway.  You kind of are my Mother.  And by you, I mean this website.  Generally, as a rule, I feel like I'm talking more to My Computer than I am to any sort of imagined possible audience.  This is between me and this Computer Program For Web Editing, you're all just onlookers.  Welp, that's a paragraph!  Gonna take a walk now!   

    And I'm back.  Great.  That walk was torture without being able to type my thoughts.  Hmm, what was I thinking that was so important.  Pretty much 30 minutes of some variant of Well I'm Walking Now.  Do That Pretty Often.  How Far Into My Walk Am I?  A Little Bit Further Than A Couple Of Minutes Ago.  Now How Far Am I.  I Remember During Past Walks Being This Far Into The Walk.  Wasn't Much Walking Left After That Point Then.  Must Be Almost Done Walking By This Poi-- Ah, I'm Home.  Wonderful!  Although today it was added by thinking about what I just wrote.  Thinking, I guess, "Pink Lives Matter," is probably already a thing.  For LGBTQ people.  In today's modern age, LGBTQ people can't be happy with being identified by one color, can they?  Certainly not all LGBTQ have an affinity for the color pink.  Stop trying to put people in boxes, man.  Unless being put into boxes is what they're into.  I know I am.  Oh, boy, am I.
    Now you know my secret shame.  Ordering stuff on Amazon every week just to get those cardboard boxes.  Gettin' into the boxes.  Closing them on top of me.  I'm gettin' hot just thinking about it.  Anyway.  Yeah I know "box" is a slang term for vagina.  I chose to go another way with it.  Was gonna get beer at the corner store, but they were closed, so I went to Key Food.  I bought some gum at the corner store yesterday, and I was still chewing my last piece of gum from the previous pack, and I felt pressure to spit it out before I entered the store, even though I wasn't done with it.  You see a guy chewing gum, buying more gum, you're gonna think he's some kind of gum junkie.  I don't need the hassle of this guy behind the counter judging me and my habits.
    So, great, here we are.  Gonna crack open a beer.  Cause I'm an adult!  I perform Adult Actions like drinking beer and buying gum and considering the LGBTQ community.  That's what I was thinking on my walk, pretty much.  I wrote down a few weeks ago something about how, in LGTBQ parameters, "I'm Q, for 'Quuuuuuuute!'" but I decided it would just confuse people.  So I chose to never say that to anyone.  Oh.  Oh No.  Oh No.  Anyway, gonna take the first sip of beer now.  Adult!  What paragraph are we into.  I'm gonna guess, "Sixth."  Why did I put Sixth In Quotes.  It's like I temporarily became Donald Trump for a second.  Jeez.  I had just taken the first sip of beer, wrote that sentence, and I put, "Sixth," in quotes.  Now I know how our president thinks!  Wait There I did it again!  Oh that time it's right.  Whew.
    So what paragraph is it anyway.  Yeah I was right, that was six, this is seven.  What kind of fun am I gonna have tonight!  Writing here in silence.  I haven't listened to music at my computer in a long, long time.  I still listen to music often on my phone.  Just not on the computer.  I wonder why.  Welp.  I'm just waiting for the inevitable tweet where Trump inadvertently says something like, "I'm Doing a "Great" Job as President!"  Seems like we're due for something like that.  What else.  Oh, so, of course, I was always against building a wall against Mexico, and always thought it was stupid, but every day it becomes stupider and stupider.  And we're being forced to think about it every day, on his own terms!  And every day it just gets stupider and stupider.  You want to build a wall.  A 2000 or whatever mile wall.  To keep people out.  Forget it being a waste of money, or completely ineffective, or really not needed at all because we don't have an illegal immigration problem [in that it's not in huge numbers and in that who the fuck cares let these people in its good for us economically and culturally and morally], which is all true.  It's just the most fundamentally retarded thing I ever heard.
    That's my hot take on current events.  Anyway.  I like this story about the TV show from the 50's where a guy named Trump wants to build a wall.  And you think you're surprised?  Imagine those fictional people on the TV show still being alive!  When Our Trump came along they musta been like Oh Shit We've Seen THIS Before!  I don't know.  That stuff doesn't interest me that much, though.  When you deal with mental illness like me, you realize there's coincidences like that everywhere.  Doesn't fascinate me.  What else and whatnot.  4/7ths done with American Horror Story.  I like how it re-uses the same actors because it makes it less scary.  It's like, Oh, I've seen you before in another role.  I know you're just playing pretend and not really this person you claim to be.  Gives me a chance to opt out of committing to the reality of this plot completely.  Whew.
    Hot take.  Current.  Events.  I think Trump thinks he's gonna win this Shutdown Fight because he knows we know that he really, truly doesn't give a shit.  He thinks that's his advantage.  I could go forever ruining these government workers' lives, can you live with that?  Little does he know fuck you you ain't getting no shitty wall.  Right?  I guess.  I've expanded my Soda Selection Collection to include Diet Root Beer.  Every week, I get Diet Orange, Diet Pepsi, Diet Root Beer, Diet Dr. Pepper.  I need some variety in life.  I don't care what other people say, I need to have variety! 
    What are other people saying about my Soda Selection Collection.  Probably that the title needs some work.  Selection Collection sounds kind of repetitive and it might be able to work just by choosing one of those two words.  Anyway.  First time I've bought beer in a while.  I may have had a beer at Christmas, I forget.  But I haven't bought beer in a while.  It's good!  It makes me feel like a Real Man.  Little do people know that underneath it all I'm a real a Cuuuuuuutey who can't get enough of boxes.  Well, they know now.  Such is life.  Being cute and loving boxes isn't in direct opposition to being a Real Man.  It's just a very specific kind of Real Man.
    So, wonderful, great.  What paragraph are we into now.  11th.  What else is going on.  I'm not really much of a, "Cutie," to be honest.  And boxes are only okay.  I've been living a lie for the last four paragraphs.  But now I'm here, living my truth!  My truth being that I'm in the 11th paragraph.  Makes sense to me.  Welp.  I was thinking about how different this website would be if I did any editing.  Like, actually made an effort to have each entry be its own thing, and work as a real piece of writing or something.  And then I was thinking about how that was a good idea but there's no way I would ever do it.  Sounds like too much work.  And that's no good for either of us.  If it sounds like too much work, that means it'll be too much work to write, and to be read, it would reek of effort.  And who wants that?                   
    Not me.  So, yeah, great.  Days I Drink, I pretty much give myself an allowance of Maintenance Calories.  Figure I burn around 2000 calories a day, allow just as much to eat/drink.  Otherwise, try to limit it to 1500 calories.  So the point is I Just Had A Small Ice Cream Sandwich.  That's not only the point of this paragraph so far, but the point of my life.  It all revolves around Yeah But Get To The Part Where I Eat Ice Cream Sandwiches.  Which was Just Now!  It was a lot of fun.  It's over now.  But I don't feel bad.  It was worth it!  And it'll happen again at some point.  Maybe not tonight.  Maybe not tomorrow.  But maybe tomorrow!  That's how desserts make me feel.
    Jeez.  Almost done with this one 25 oz can of beer.  Have a second one waiting in the wings.  That should do the trick I figure.  I think I blame music for making me want to try alcohol and drugs.  Specifically Sublime.  One of my main biggest musical influences when I first started taking seriously getting into music in high school.  40 Oz to Freedom.  Smoke Two Joints.  Well I guess that's what young adulthood is like.  Beer and weed.  When do I get started?  College?  Okay I can wait.  ... ... ...  Then again, no one's ever proven me wrong that young adulthood is Beer And Weed.
    Except for hard alcohol.  It makes a compelling case that Beer isn't necessary.  Could have been worse.  Sublime could have made their affinity for Heroin more attractive.  Then where would I be?  Somewhere not good, that's where.  I don't know.  I'm usually playing poker or something while writing these entries.  A second activity to keep me busy.  Not right now, though!  I'm drinking Root Beer even while I drink Beer.  I need the variety.  Going back and forth between 'em.  Root Beer, Beer, Root Beer, Beer... I can simplify this!  Root... [Silence], Root... [Silence.]  I just took out the word Beer.  Talk about efficiency!
    15th paragraph.  Talk about efficiency!  Movie called, "The Root of All Beers."  Beers rhymes with Fears.  Root isn't synonymous with Sum but seems to apply to the phrase just as well.  Job Please.  I listened to, "In Too Deep," by Sum 41 earlier today.  I like listening to music.  Job Please.  I was never much of a Pop-Punk fan when I was younger, or as I was older, but I like the basics and find it fun for the right occasion.  I like some of the bands that can be considered Pop-Punk but Pop-Punk wasn't the overarching theme of what I was into.  Job Please.  I figure if I say that every few sentences someone's just gonna give me a job eventually.  I've had worse schemes.
    If I had to define the over arching theme of music Iw was into, defining it at the time, I probably would have gone with Better Than Emo.  In that, my thinking was, this isn't Emo.  It's good!  Which I can now see really meant, this is sort of Emo, but better!  Better Than Emo.  That'll sum that up.  41.  Who was our 41st president.  Was it Clinton?  Bush Part I?  Yep, Bush Part I.  I assume Sum 41 is a reference to him.  The first association I had with the number 41 was what president was that.  It's also one less than 42, which is a Sci-Fi Book Super Number.  Also, (19)41 was a Steven Spielberg Flop and when Pearl Harbor happened.  Oh okay now I get it.  In Too Deep.  Makes sense now.
    17th paragraph.  Aiming for, lets say, 25.  That's not too much overkill.  But just enough that it's Still Too Much.  I started chewing Peppermint gum instead of Spearmint.  I dare you to find fault with that!  I was a little upset to find out how much calories sugar free gum was, though.  I was always operating under the assumption that each stick was 2 and a half calories.  For some reason.  Now it turns out I've been chewing 3 and a half calorie gum.  That adds up quickly!  You chew 5 pieces of 3 and a half calorie gum a day, you will be over 1 and a half pounds heavier at the end of the year than if you weren't.  By chewing a not obscene amount of sugar free gum.  Think about that one!
    Of course, by chewing the gum, you may eat less here and there, because gum has satisfied your needs.  So that changes everything.  But the point is what else is going on.  Today's the one month anniversary of my birthday.  If we had sex on my birthday, you'd be pregnant by now!  I Am So Sorry.  What Can I Do To Help You Get An Abortion.  Should I do it myself?  I know how much you hate doctors.  Let me figure out how to do it myself.  I put that baby in you, and by god, I'm gonna get it out of you!  Anyway.  Starting to figure out the Mandolin a little bit.  Even by playing it upside down.  I'm no expert but I can noodle around on it a little bit and it makes sense.  And the tuning finally makes sense to me.  I can just play the open strings and it doesn't make a chord or anything, sure, but I'm getting used to the overall feel of that sound.  And I'm also figuring out some quasi-chords that do make sense.
    So, sure, that's great.  What really made everything click was there's an episode in American Horror Story where someone's playing a Theremin, I think, which I believe has a similar tuning structure to the mandolin, because suddenly I got what was going on with the mandolin.  So that TV show did me a real Solid.  I owe ya one!  First song I write on Mandolin is gonna be dedicated to American Horror Story, you can count on that!  You can also count on abacuses. I didn't get abaci until American Horror Story, but now, oh boy, howdy, yowsa.  Microsoft FrontPage accepts both abacuses and abaci as words.  Internet confirms both are acceptable.  I thought I was being funny by saying both, thinking that at least one (probably abaci) wasn't real.  They're both real.  Terrifying.
    I don't know.  20th paragraph.  Six to go in theory.  In Theory.  I've been having a lot of weird nightmares lately.  I can't even remember but I remember them being weird.  Such is life.  I truly believe that dreams sort of tap into some collective unconscious of us as humans, and aren't just Freudian stuff about ourselves.  I don't know what I'm basing that on.  Maybe the movie Waking Life, which I haven't seen since I was a teenager, but I remember thinking as a teenager, I like this movie, this is the kind of movie I'm supposed to like, it's the movie equivalent of Better Than Emo.
    Wonderful.  To be honest, I would have been surprised if even one of, "Abacuses," and, "Abaci," was a word.  How often do you need to refer to multiple abacuses?  Nope.  Both words.  I'm gonna have nightmares tonight!  Of abacuses, and the words used to represent them, apparently.  I like the word because the first four letters contain the first three letters of the alphabet.  Talk about efficiency!  Wonderful.  Hey, only four and a half paragraphs more to go!  That seems doable.  How has this entry been so far.  Decent?  I don't know.  I'm On Beer!  I like buying beer from a cashier whose clearly a teenager.  I Can Do This, But You Can't!  I get off on that shit, boy howdy.
    Nope.  I've smoked maybe 5 Camel Blues in the last year.  Started out with Camel Blues (after the first few months trying out different stuff), then transitioned to Camel Blues and Newport, and slowly Newport overtook Camel Blues to the point where it's pretty much exclusively Newports.  I feel bad for Camel Blues.  They had their day in the sun and now they're off to have to fulfill some other sap's smoking addiction.  Bon Voyagé I say.  Which means "Good Voyage!" in some language I don't care to understand.  Also, I added the accent mark to the, "E," just so, ya know.  You get it.  Job Please.  Moving on.
    Nope.  I don't think I'm drunk enough.  I mean, I'm drunk enough now.  But will I be drunk enough to get me through the night?  Based on recent experience, I'm gonna pop in some DVD when this is over.  Be Drunk while it's going on, ideally.  I'm not drunk enough to enjoy one of my bullshit DVDs.  I do have more Alcohol when this beer is over.  But do I really want to go down that road?  I don't know.  Never been down that road before.  Didn't really pop up until just now.  Anyway.  I was re-reading the last entry when I bad mouth Creative Non Fiction and I found it amusing to discover this pretty much is Creative Non Fiction.  Totally unfocused, no point, no plot, no exposition, no nothing, just randomness-- but mostly Creative Non Fiction nonetheless.  Oh well, such is life.
    Like, if I had to classify it logically, sure, it's Creative Non Fiction.  But if I turned in something like this into a class in a Creative Non Fiction MFA Program, they wouldn't like it.  That's my guess.  Hey It's The Penultimate Paragraph.  Wonderful.  Hey what if I re-watch Jurassic Park: The Lost World.  That's a great movie.  One of my most frequently watched movies on VHS as a pre-pre-teen child.  The one problem I have with it is there's a scene where a guy puts on his headphones during lunch so he can't hear his friend's screams when dinosaurs are eating him.  You're on a fuckin' island with dinosaurs.  Don't put on head phones and chill out.  There's dinosaurs around!  You need to be fucking listening out for dinosaurs.  If not for your friend, then for yourself!  C'mon! 
    So, wonderful, 25th paragraph.  Maybe a bonus paragraph or something after,  I truly don't know at this point.  When I was a kid, my parents didn't even like the idea of my walking down the sidewalk with headphones on.  Let alone on fuckin' Dinosaur Island.  Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be hit by a car or something.  Would you even feel pain if it's hard enough and you get knocked out?  Or would you just wake up later and they'd be like Oh you were hit by a car thanks for waking up.  In that split second, how could you even register the idea of pain in such a short time?  I don't know.  Something to think about when you're getting me a Job Please.
    Bonus paragraph! See, if you give me a job, I'm not stingy with the Bonuses.  I'd give you Bonus Paragraphs whenever, wherever.  Totally Pro Bono.  Just something to sweeten the pot.  Which is what my dealer said when he added crack to my weed without my knowledge!  Jokes.  I don't know.  How could it be without my knowledge if he said it.  He said it to himself. I didn't hear him.  I only found out he said it after the fact.  Satisfied?  I haven't bought weed or smoked more than one hit at a time since 2010.  That'll show Sublime for trying to corrupt an innocent youth!  Why, it makes me so mad, it, well, it makes me want to write another paragraph!
    Huh?  I don't know.  But it led to one more paragraph, so we got that to be thankful for.  I feel like this entry is a solid C+ compared to other entries.  The best of the best entries are C+'s in the big scheme of things, compared to everything.  This is a C+ only compared to the best of the best of these entries.  Which is still a C+, when you think about it.  So, great, what else.  What do you mean What Else.  This is a Bonus Paragraph.  There's no What Else.  It's only Wrapping Things Up.  Leave the What Else's to the Penultimate Paragraphs.  Which this may be, if I write another bonus paragraph.  Which I won't.  I'll see ya later!

-10:28 P.M.               
       
               

Friday, January 4, 2019

Where We're Going, We Don't Need Titles!

        Talk about a dystopian future.  No titles?  Life as we know it would no longer exist.  Anyway, Hi!  Update on my future as an MFA Student-- doesn't look like it will happen.  Got a response from one of my past teachers who is part of the program, whom I asked for a recommendation, and she said my work doesn't warrant a recommendation!  On the one hand, this is good news, because I've been having second thoughts about the whole thing, and this provides me some cover with my parents about backing out.  On the other hand, Not Good Enough?  What Are You Talking About I'm Great.  On the third hand, Yeah You're Right These Writing Samples From The Class Are Not Good At All.  On the fourth hand, Then Again, How Dare You.  On the fifth hand, Thanks for being honest.  On the sixth hand, I have way more hands than Vishnu, at least I excel at something.
    Trump must be loving this shutdown.  If you had told him in one of his previous jobs he could just stop paying his workers on the basis that it might help him get something that makes no sense, is constantly changing, and most people don't want at all in the first place, he'd be like, Whatta deal!  And I know deals because I pretend to be an expert at them.  In reality, can't even make a deal to keep my workers working and getting paid.  But we now know, from the beginning of this paragraph, he doesn't give a fig about them, so what's his motivation? 
    Anyway, Friday Afternoon Entry.  I like those.  On the basis that they make no sense, are constantly changing, and most people don't want at all in the first place.  Whatta deal!  I have been thinking lately, though, about personality traits I share with Trump.  I am, to some extent, a narcissist.  Not clinically so.  But there is a part of me that thinks Yeah I'm Pretty Great and I operate under that delusion when working (writing, etc.)  The difference is, to be a writer, I think you gotta operate under that delusion to some extent.  To be president, not really helpful.
    Also, we both constantly spout nonsense with no self awareness or remorse.  That's another similarity.  What's a third similarity.  I don't know if Trump even has a third personality trait.  Narcissism and Nonsense.  Good title for a book on Trump's mental illnesses.  Or mine, I guess, it turns out.  It has alliteration so you know it's good.  Anyway.  Democratic Congress is in session!  That's gotta be fun for them.  They're like Hey We Get To Do Things!  And doing things is fun, that's my opinion.  So, will they accomplish a lot?  Maybe not.  But will they have fun?  That's what really counts.  To maximize individual fun is to maximize fun for all.  You could read about it in my book, Fun Economics.
    Anyway.  Gonna have a drink or three throughout the entry, starting... Now.  Well, in ten seconds.  I'm finding it physically difficult to type at the exact same time as pouring a drink and drinking it.  It's not like I have six hands or something.  Where would you get that idea from?  What else.  The reasons I had second thoughts about the Creative Writing MFA were (1) Not sure if it's really the kind of writing I'm interested in.  The comparison I made to my Dad was, he likes math, but does that mean he should have been an accountant?  I think, if I did enroll in the program, I'd quickly realize This Isn't Really What I Want To Do At All.  (2) Not 100% happy about the workload it would entail.  Was finding it really hard to motivate myself just to write the sample for the application, so how would I feel about actually doing the work for three years?  (3) I'm in a pretty good groove of writing here once a week and sporadically working on other stuff.  I don't like the idea of doing it indefinitely without any promise of a real thing coming along, but for now, I'm satisfied.  (4)  The workload, social interaction, and the nature of Creative Nonfiction itself might trigger some of my dormant mental illness symptoms, maybe.  Can't explain how!  I don't need to explain myself to you!
    If I was writing Creative Nonfiction about myself, I might have to explain myself to you.  And I don't like that at all!  It would possibly trigger my dormant mental illness symptoms.  There, I explained it to you.  By saying I wouldn't and then qualifying how I wouldn't by actually doing it.  Pretty creative, huh?  And that's some Nonfiction you can take to the bank.  Don't know why you'd take it to the bank.  Unless there's some sort of theoretical bank that stores Nonfiction and hopefully you get some sort of interest on the Nonfiction so in a year you have 2% more nonfiction.  But there's no such bank yet, to my knowledge.
    Anyway.  Hi!  Haven't checked my weight in a couple of weeks, but looking in the mirror, I think I'm making some progress.  And you can take that to the bank.  Progress Bank.  That's a good, generic, positive sounding name for a bank.  I'd sign up an account with Progress Bank.  What paragraph is this.  I'm gonna guess 5th.  Seventh.  Well don't that beat all.  What else is going on in the wide world of sports.  First entry of the year.  Reversed the color scheme for the month.  Still watching American Horror Story.  Probably gonna go see Vice tomorrow.  In an empty theater.  Just me and Fiction Dick Cheney.  The way God intended. 
    What the what.  Saw the Doctor yesterday and my blood pressure was really low.  I feel like that's a good thing.  Even if it's too low.  I feel that means I'm closer to being a Zombie than most people, and in the end, isn't that what we all want?  We won't admit it, but c'mon.  You want to be a zombie.  You'd get to eat delicious, delicious brains without the negative societal implications were you not a zombie.   I don't like the slang use of Zombie as meaning some sort of adherent to mass consumerism, or mass delusion, or pretty much participating in some sort of mass Thinking or Behaving in any sort of way.  Zombies are rebels!  You'd never eat brains, would you?  They do!  You'd die if you were shot in the heart.  They wouldn't!  You can walk upstairs.  They refuse to!  Zombies are punk.
    Cool.  Ninth paragraph.  Also, the biggest "Zombies," in the world, in the slang sense, are religious people, who all put a premium on the idea that we have to die and what happens next is some key tenet of whatever religion they're in.  Zombies are like Fuck That.  No dying for me!  Unless my brain is impacted.  Do zombies go to Heaven once they die finally?  I don't know.  No one has ever really dealt with the question of if zombies have souls or whatnot.  Anyway, I don't know.  Took me half an hour to write eight paragraphs.  That's a pretty good rate in my opinion.  And you have to accept my opinion because you're reading what I say.  What are you gonna do, read what I say without Zombily following along with my implicit narrative and thinking while writing it?  I highly doubt it!
    Cool.  When a redneck becomes a zombie, they're called a Zom-billy.  That's my expert opinion.  Back when I was writing the first paragraph, and talking about my six hands, I originally wrote I almost have as many hands as Vishnu!, thinking he had eight hands, but consulted the internet and it turns out he only has 4 hands.  So that diminished my opinion of him by 50%.  What kind of Super God only has four hands, and not eight?  He's a lot worse than I thought.  You know, that sort of thing.  I'm assuming he has two feet, so that brings his limbs up to six, which is pretty good, but it's no eight (or ten!) limbs. 
    So far my impression of this year has been 2019?  No, pretty sure it's still 2018.  That doesn't make sense when I write it, but that's pretty much how I feel.  For example, yesterday.  1/3/2019.  I'm kind of like, No, 1/3/2018 sounds more correct.  Better get your facts straight.  I think it stems from still thinking of 2017 as Last Year.  I can accept I'm one year removed from 2018, but I can't accept I'm two years removed from 2017.  If that makes any sense at all.  I know it doesn't.  But might as well write how I feel.  That's (Not) Creative Nonfiction for you!  Anyway.  I could still send that Teacher a better writing sample than things I had submitted for the class I took with her, and prolong this facade of wanting to and actually applying for the program.  And maybe I should.  But I don't want to.  Although, on the other hand... (Hey I'm up to seven hands!)        
    12th paragraph!  Awesome.  What do I got in store for tonight.  More American Horror Story, probably.  It's a scary show.  It plays on all my fears and self doubt and confusion stemming from dealing with mental illness, specifically because this season is about an abusive mental hospital where many of the patients aren't crazy.  I like how it makes me uncomfortable.  Who wouldn't enjoy that?  It all boils down to how I feel when binge watching any series-- well, pot committed to watching this whole thing.  And 90% of the enjoyment I get out of it is One episode closer to finally being done with it.  Wonderful.  The poker website I deposited money on three weeks ago and completely lost all my money on two weeks ago gave me $1.75 on Christmas, so now I refresh it every 20 minutes to see if they decided to give me more money.  It's a long shot, I know.
    Cool.  I need to go back to the Open Mic before it may be gone/changed after February.  I feel like I need some closure before it's gone.  Also, what else.  I'll be having dinner in two and a half hours.  Life is Good.  I get to eat!  More than many people in Yemen can say.  The last few days I've been feeling more passionate about a lot of these crisis-es in the world that I have logically been against, but not really thinking about.  Like Yemen, the terrible treatment people get from ICE, and stuff like that.  Part of it feels good, though, to be honest, to find out that I have some sort of humanity in me.  But then, part of it feels even worse, that I get some sort of Feeling Good from it.  Then part of me feels even worse for exaggerating the last two claims when I don't really feel them much at all.  You figure out that logic!!!
    Anyway.  At this point, into about 1.15 Drinks.  When I do afternoon drinking, I usually limit it to, on average, 3 drinks, whereas if it's nighttime drinking, it's closer to 4.5 on average.  So I got that going for me is the point.  That's the hard part about writing and doing creative stuff while mentally ill (Note-- "That" refers to something I was saying many paragraphs ago-- you'll find out when the next few sentences clarify!).  Talking to my psychiatrist/therapist about working on creative stuff semi-regularly as if its productive.  Because, Yeah, it probably won't lead to a job.  But part of me has to believe it possibly will!  Not because I'm crazy and have delusions of grandeur regarding my talent.  But because that's how you have to feel to write confidently!  I think.  I think that's just how it works!  I think.
    At least I think.  That separates me from Trump.  I got that Narcissism and Nonsense but it's rooted in relatively reasonable Thinking.  Anyway.  Seeing Patton Oswalt in early March.  Hopefully doing comedy.  Maybe he'll just stand there saying Take A Good Long Look! and do nothing for an hour and a half, I don't know.  Off the top of my head, I can't think of a straight-up comedian set I've seen live.  I've seen Open Mic comedians, I've seen Improv, I've seen Comedy Podcasts, and I've seen stuff like Tim & Eric and Tenacious D, but I don't think I've seen any standard professional comedian act.  I guess the time has finally come.
    What else.  What paragraph are we into now.  I'd guess 14.  16th!  The good news keeps on comin'.  Well, what else.  I figure I should be almost done dieting by Patton Oswalt Show where I can start transitioning to a maintenance diet instead of dieting diet.  That's how I measure time.  I'm on Standard Patton Oswalt Time.  Let's see, this should be done around the next time I see Patton Oswalt... this'll take a while, should be ready by the fourth time I'll see Patton Oswalt... That sort of nonsense.  I had a dream I was playing Mandolin and suddenly it sounded right and I was like So This Is How Mandolins Sound Good!  Then I woke up and it was Nonsense All Over Again.
    17th paragraph.  What the what.  At this point, aiming for around 25.  Who knows for sure where we'll end up, though.  Since I'm already drinking I need to plan Tonight as if it's an I'm Relatively Drunk Night and figure out a way to maximize the pleasure to accommodate that.  Might require me to have an extra drink after my after dinner walk, to make it legit, but still, that's the direction we're going in.  Yeesh.  I think I'm okay with not being Spiderman-Age anymore.  A lot of Superheroes are young men and not teenagers.  I gotta focus on that.  30 is still pretty young.  I saw a local news segment on John F Kennedy Jr dying at age 38 and they were like We lost him so young.  So, when I die when I'm 38, people will interpret it as me being young!  Gotta look at the positive.
    Also, I had local news.  Everything they say is phony.  That's my Holden Caulfield-esque opinion on local news.  Well, that's how I feel about All TV News.  It's just that local news's phoniness is accentuated by their mediocre to adequate and predictable and generic and uniform production values.  That's my Hot Take on things.  I don't know why when I put things in the oven it takes longer than when other people do.  My Dad puts something in the oven, takes 30 minutes.  For me, the same thing, to get it the same well done-ed-ness, takes an hour.  Similar to when I get blood work done for the doctor.  When I'm waiting, it takes about 15 minutes for each person ahead of me.  I get there, it takes three minutes.  Maybe I'm just really bad at estimating time when it comes to things I do versus the amount of time it takes others, or it just takes a lot longer for things I do than for other people.
    My guess is Whatever Who Cares.  I like watching parts of Thirteen Days every few weeks when it's on cable and think about the Trump administration, and how they'd deal/are dealing with crisis-es.  And by like, I mean, am horrified by.  When you think about it, it's amazing we aren't in Nuclear Winter yesterday.  I guess that's the good part about Trump being Russia's puppet.  At least we're not nuking each other.  That's probably his assessment, too.  He might be thinking, with the sole responsible thought in his brain, my one ultimate goal is Don't Destroy The Human Species Completely.  I'm accomplishing that.  So, let's give him credit for that?  I don't know, I don't have all the details.
    Although I'd been thinking about it without coherence for a while, I really started to put together my lack of enthusiasm for Creative Nonfiction yesterday, while waiting to see my psychiatrist.  I always see him first thing in the morning, but he had to reschedule, so I was seeing him at 4:30 P.M.  Totally different mindset.  First thing in the morning, I'm fresh, I know what I want to say, how to give a good impression, then start the rest of my day when it's over.  Late Afternoon?  I was out of my element.  So, anyway.  I'm in the waiting room, I'm thinking differently.  Start thinking in terms of Creative Nonfiction.  Describing scenes in detail without embellishment and in straight-facts terms.  I didn't like it.  There's a lady, probably a doctor, with a baby in a stroller, rocking the stroller.  There's a guy mopping the floor.  That's what's happening.  That's all I need to remember.  That's the scene, and afterwards I can inject meaning into it possibly.
    I don't like thinking like that.  I like being in the moment, and focusing on my own inner thoughts not necessarily cemented in the outside stuff going on, not having to remember the play-by-play of the moment and then make up some significance to what was happening outside me.  That might not make sense, or be an accurate representation of Creative Nonfiction or the mindset required to write it, but that's sort of how I felt.  Anyway.  Jeez.  21st paragraph.  At this point, aiming for 30 seems like the thing to do.  Already more than 2/3rds there.  And I don't need to put my dinner in the oven until an hour from now, and don't need to eat until an hour 45 minutes from now.    
    Cool.  About 1.6 drinks in, now, at this point.  Gonna give myself an allowance for up to about 4 drinks.  I can choose to go over, but not aiming for it.  May be as low as 2.5!  This is important stuff!  Haha made ya read not important stuff.  Practical joke.  Started getting Subway for lunch sometimes.  I like it because it's sandwiches.  I have no idea what the point of that sentence was.  "I like it because it's sandwiches."  Man.  Anyway.  That's the thing.  I know, "I like it because it's sandwiches," isn't going to get me a job writing.  But I just gotta put that out of my brain and just keep writing, "I like it because it's sandwiches," until I develop and develop until I develop a way to say, "I like it because it's sandwiches," in an original and entertaining and thought provoking way that can get me a job!  Progress is the name of the game.  It's also the name of the bank.  And is the name of anti-congress in a popular joke.
    What's the opposite of Progress?  Congress. is the joke.  Figured I might as well clarify in case you haven't heard it.  Not 100% a bad joke.  Hacky, sure, and relatively obvious when you think about it, but not without its charm.  Anyway.  23rd paragraph.  That's how we do.  I like saying I'm, "Interested," in attending Events on Facebook that I get invited to by Facebook Friends doing Music or Comedy or Poetry Sets, even if I have no interest in attending.  I figure I'm doing them a solid by doing my small part in promoting their show by adding legitimacy to it by adding 1 to the number of people being Interested In Attending.  That's my Hot Take on current events.
    Cool!  Anyway, finished drink #2.  I got that going for me.  I tried eating Spinach as a stand-alone food for the first time in my life last night, and you know what?  Wasn't so bad.  Part of me enjoyed it, but then part of me was like, most people don't like spinach.  I'm gonna force myself to interpret somewhat enjoying eating it as mostly not enjoying it.  Just to be a real zombie conformist.  Also, there was an entire episode of Doug relating to not wanting to eat Liver & Onions, and I like Liver & Onions!  But I won't order it too often-- not supposed to like it!  Gotta conform with what other people enjoy eating.  I guess that's why Zombie means conformist.  They're conforming to what Other Zombies like eating.  Still doesn't make sense to me.  Most people aren't zombies.  They like eating stuff most people don't like.  Let's figure this one out, it doesn't add up to me.
    I guess it's because Zombies Don't Think At All, They Just Walk Around And Eat People.  You don't know!  They don't talk, sure, but who knows what kind of rich inner life zombies have?  Not you, that's for sure!  Anyway.  My 2020's are gonna be the equivalent to my parent's 1980's.  I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's true.  My parents are exactly 40 years older than me.  I was born in the 1980's.  So they became old in the 1980's (Had kids relatively late into their life) but were also relatively young in the 1980's (Were in their 30's, the prime of their life).  So I'm still trying to figure this one out, but I still have an entire year before that, so I'm still pretty young.  Nonsense.  Lately I've been experience My Penis Going To Sleep.  Like how your arm or toe or whatever becomes temporarily numb for five or ten minutes.  Happens to my penis.  Don't know what that means.
    Sure I'll share that with you.  It's an important part of who I am!  It's important.  I like Patton Oswalt because he's a Short Man.  I also like Jimmy Pardo, Todd Barry, and Jon Benjamin.  That's the real measure of how good a comedian you are.  Are ya short?  No?  Well, in that case, sorry, can't relate.  I'll start your book but there's no way I'm finishing it!  Take that, Brian Posehn.  What else is going on.  26th paragraph.  Awesome!  I think I have a habit of overestimating the calories I'm eating, and underestimating the calories I'm drinking through alcohol.  Oh well.  No way to remedy that.  I'm set in my ways.  I don't know, what else.
    Cool!  Whatta entry.  Lots of bullshit, not a lot of jokes.  But I feel like it's flowing pretty well.  Can't argue with a feeling.  Starting Drink #3.  Right on track for 4.  This should get me through the next hour 15 minutes until Dinner.  Then I got 1 drink left for when I get home to Make The Pain Go Away.  The Pain Of Being Dead.  I ended up watching The Green Mile on DVD to have Saturday Night Fun after last week's entry.  It's a good movie.  I'd say it's in my top 15 movies of all time.  Plus-- I'd say it honestly, actually intending to convey that I indeed believe it.  That's my Hot Take on current events.  Remember Al Gore's channel Current?  Where it was like 5-10 minute videos made by activists and stuff about Real World Stuff?  Neither does anyone else.
    First he invents the internet, then he invents YouTube For Good.  Plus, he invented Making An Issue of Climate Change.  Yet no one gives a fig.  I've said all along he should run for president in 2020.  Unfortunately, people care even less than they did about CurrentTV.  I just love it from a WWF Wrestling Narrative perspective.  Which I've also said before.  They Stole The Election From Him, And Now He's On The Warpath To Take It Back!  I guess you could say the same about Hillary Clinton.  But she's not likable.  Not like Al Gore is.  Anyway, jeez, what else is going on.  I don't get this comparison of Elizabeth Warren to Hillary Clinton that she's not likable, too.  I don't like it because of the obvious sexism involved, true, but I really don't like it because she is likable!  I really didn't find Clinton all that likable, to be honest, but I find Warren extremely likable!  She's passionate, she's independent, she's persuasive, and I believe her when she talks.  So that's why I don't like it.
    Anyway, what else.  The moment that cemented my ambivalence towards Hillary Clinton was during the Democratic Convention when she appeared on the big screen in a Big Brother-esque performance about accepting the nomination.  After the delegates voted to confirm her, she just appeared on a huge video screen and started talking about I forget what.  It just seemed tone deaf and weird.  That's my lasting memory of her campaign.  Oh well, such is life.  She's okay, though.  Overall, better than most.  What else is going on.  What paragraph are we into.  29th.  I guess aiming for 35 at this point.  Any more would probably be too long.  Any less would probably be Still Too Long But What Are Ya Gonna Do.
    Cool!  Still waiting on my birthday present from 2017 from my parents.  New TV.  Probably would take 30 minutes to find the right TV and order it.  Oh well.  I've offered from the beginning to take care of it myself, but my mother refuses.  My prediction is, at some point, she'll tell me I can take care of it myself, and I'll go, You Could Have Told Me That 14 Months Ago.  Such is life.  I like the dinner I had for last night and have again for tonight.  Combination of Steak and Seafood.  So much variety!  I got steak-- I got Yam-- I got Stuffed Shrimp (Containing both Shrimp and Crab)-- I got Stuffed Clam-- I got Spinach.  I could have had Soup-- I could have had Bread-- but I skipped both of those.  Still-- lots of variety even forgoing two things!  Talk about a charmed life.
    Jeez.  Five paragraphs to go, I guess.  Man this entry is such a white background with a black font.  Not like those past entries with a white font and a black background.  Variety is the spice of life.  Hmm, should put some Variety on the Yams to add another ingredient!  Anyway.  I could stop before 35 paragraphs, I guess.  This is the 31st.  We'll see if we get any further than that, I don't know.  I hope I never become addicted to heroin.  A lot of my musical heroes were addicted to heroin.  I never really felt a desire to even try it, but then again, they probably never did either... until they did.  So gotta look out for that, I guess.  At least I'm preparing for it ahead of time.  I got that going for me at least. 
    Wonderful.  Also, who knows, it's possible I've done heroin accidentally.  At this point, that would be a positive thing.  Got it out of the way already and apparently I'm no worse for wear.  Anyway, I don't know.  Gonna put food in the oven, let's say, after I finish this paragraph.  Let's not just say it-- let's do it!  That's a plan I can get behind.  To get behind something is to be in support of it's completion.  Presumably because once you're behind something you can use your Pushing Powers to move it forward.  Anyway.  One of the teachers who is also part of the MFA Program whom I asked for a Letter of Recommendation said, "Count Me In," for supporting me for the program.  So at least I'm not a total loser. 
    I'm gonna skip the spinach for tonight.  I know I relatively liked it but I don't think I'll like it again.  Has that been what this entry has been?  Relatively Liking Spinach But Still Doubting it?  I guess so.  Oh well.  Entertainment aside, at least now you really know my ambivalence towards spinach.  So we both have that going for us.  Two and a half paragraphs to go to finish 35.  And I got 45 minutes till dinner.  So let's Knock Some 2.5 Paragraphs Out Of The Spinach-Themed Park!  I call it Spinachland.  I'm still working out the schematics.  Whatta snooze.  Oh well, such is life.  I was just re-reading the e-mail from the teacher and it wasn't really an outright denial to write a letter of recommendation.  She just said my work from the class wasn't strong enough, which I knew was true, and encouraged me to send something better.
    When I first read it, it sounded like This wasn't good enough and you can send something better but I'm not impressed.  Now, reading it, it's more like This wasn't good enough but there's a good chance you are capable of more so get back to me.  Crap!  Now I gotta do that maybe.  Wonderful.  Anyway.  One and a half paragraph to go here.  Then, who knows.  I'm gonna guess some combination of watching TV and listening to music.  Preceded by the definite activities of eating dinner and taking a walk.  Wonderful.  Then, who knows.  We already covered that.  I know I'm just trying to pad the length of this paragraph so after this line of crap it's the next paragraph.
    I guess.  Doing the MFA would potentially be a real Spinachland.  In that I may enjoy it and it may be good for me but part of me would feel Do I Really Enjoy This I Don't Know.  And that once I'm eating it I'll like it enough but there's no motivation to actually eat it again.  Also in that it's a leafy, green vegetable high in iron and calcium which served as fuel for the popular cartoon character Popeye.  Creative Nonfiction.  Stating the facts.  Anyway, what the what.  Gonna have a solid 30 minutes between Entry and Dinner.  I got that going for me.  I guess I'll see ya'll later.  Thanks for sticking with me till the end.  I apologize profusely.

-6:27 P.M.         

Contact: mankindguy@gmail.com