September 5, 2013
Shakespeare Loved To
Roll Them Dice
Hey. This is the first entry in two
months. I don't know if I really have it in me to write an entry. I
don't think I do. Still, I will soldier on. I've been smoking a lot
of cigarettes lately. It's because I'm addicted to them. Also, it
relieves stress. Also, it relives stress. I can't stress that
enough. I just drank for the first time in like two months. I was
doing so good. And, I gotta tell you, being drunk is nothing special.
I feel stupid enough as it is without being drunk, I don't need that feeling
magnified. So, not a lot is new in my neck of the woods. I'm not
taking any classes this semester, but I am probably going to take a continuing
ed class. A yoga class. I figure that would be good for my mind and
body. That's what it says in the brochure, at least. It says I need
to bring my own yoga mat, though. Is that like a Dance, Dance Revolution
mat? Because I don't have either of them. I released some of my
music online about a week ago. You can go to theuppers.bandcamp.com to
listen. The music was infinitely better when I was listening to it every
day, by myself in my room, but when I got drunk and started to listen to it
attentively, boy did it bore the crap out of me. I guess I'm just no
musician. I am an adequate jokester, though. No one can take that
away from me. Man. The crappy part about starting to drink, is once
you've started drinking, you just want more. I had gone a good 2 or 3
months without drinking at all. But, the thing is, even without drinking,
I was planning out my future life to include drinking every day. Once I
was off my diet. But now, with this experience, I'm starting to question
the idea of drinking to excess every day of the week. So I guess it's a
good thing. Live and learn, as they say.
Man, do I love alcohol. I mean, what? Anyway.
This year has flown by too fast. Even with doing nothing every day, I can
say that with confidence. What else is going on. I watched my The
Critic DVDs recently. That was a great show. I have nothing more to
say about it. I guess I'm not a very good critic, of The
Critic! A-ha-ha! That joke would be right at home in The
Critic. The more I say the phrase, "The Critic," the less it
sounds like a real T.V. show. Because nobody has mentioned it in 16 years.
I don't like how this entry is going. Oh well. Must soldier on.
That's a promise I made to myself long ago. Way back in the first
paragraph. Do they make Scrabble for other languages? I guess they
would have to call it Scrabblé. I gotta work on that joke. You know,
to make it funny. And stuff. Man, that half full glass of
coke/scotch is calling my name. It's calling my name, and raising it a,
"you will feel more mentally and physiologically complete with more alcohol!"
How am I gonna finish this entry. I'm done. Really. Alcohol
puts me in a mental prison. I don't like it. Normally, without
alcohol, sure, I'm still in a mental prison, but at least it's "Yard time!"
Now, it's like I'm in "Chow time!" And that's no fun. Because that's
where people often get shanked. Also, to get the alcohol, I had to take a
walk around my neighborhood for the first time in like 2 months. Being
outside is weird. I hate being around other people, I always feel so
awkward. Like, say you're a Chinese lady walking by me. Do I look
you in the face? Do I stare at the sidewalk? What the hell am I
supposed to do? This is a question with no answer. There's no
correct answer. And that's why I'm so confused.
Third paragraph. Boom. I've been smoking the shit
out of cigarettes lately. I mean, why not. It doesn't hurt anybody.
Not to my knowledge. Man, I can't wait to go to sleep. I hate being
asleep, though. For months now, I've had crazy nightmares literally every
night. I don't like talking about it, because I'm afraid I will jinx it
into continuing, but now I'm prepared to try any solution, so I'm hoping I'll
jinx it into not continuing! That's not really a jinx, you say?
Well, jinx!. I totally jinxed you on that reaction.
Oh man. Halfway through the entry. What the hell else is there to
say. I thought about changing my name recently. I've grown pretty
used to my first name, but I was thinking about changing my last name.
Ultimately, I decided against it, both because it's pointless and some sense of
loyalty to my father. And realizing that changing your name doesn't change
who you are. And that's what I really want. I'll trade who I am for
any generic knock-off of a human being there is out there. Not really.
But, sort of. Every existence has it's ups and downs. Now I wanna
drink more. Once you start, you can't stop. Just like Pringles.
I'm going to eat a grilled chicken cutlet hero for dinner. Deal with it,
bitches. I don't know why I thought that would be an interesting thing to
say. I apologize. But, not enough to erase it. This is what's
known as a bulk business. Anything remotely applicable remains.
Anyway. I'm gonna drink some more. I mean, if I
don't drink all I have, then I'll just drink again tomorrow. So this way,
I get it all out of the way. I'm thinking of my future when I drink now.
It makes sense. It's been a shitload of time since I've seen any friends.
If you're my friend, and are reading this, don't feel guilty for not inviting me
to hang out. But, really, feel very guilty. I mean,
I'm normal. I can hang. Thanks for nothing, jerk offs. But,
the good news is, I've had plenty of time to foster my friendship with the
voices in my head. We're on pretty good terms now. Anyway.
This entry is close to being over. But then, there's always the next
entry. Even if it's a month from now, or a year from now, we must begin
thinking about it immediately. Because, if we don't we won't be prepared
for it. So, what will it include? Comments about how much I've been
smoking or drinking? Reiterations about how mentally ill I am? My
shaky relationship with the outside world? How I feel incredibly lonely?
These are choices I must face now. Wait, I'm still not even finished with
this entry. That's a relief! I can put off those questions for the
next entry. The real question is, how mediocre will the next paragraph be?
Insanely mediocre, or just mildly mediocre. We'll find out together!
The word, "mediocre" looks like it's missing a letter or two.
But it's not. Wow, a paragraph away to completion. So, what's going
on? I really should have said what's going on earlier, so I could give it
a proper amount of discussion. However, there being nothing much that's
going on, I guess it's appropriate here at the end. I mean, really.
All I do each day is watch T.V. and listen to music. It's more exciting
than it sounds, but in full, it's quite a dull existence. I brought a tiny
statute of Buddha and another one of an elephant into my room. We've got
loads of crap like that, since my maternal grandfather was an antiques dealer.
I remember in high school, I would sometimes bring a statuette of Gandhi into
school, and place it on my desk during classes. Some people dye their
hair, some people wear cool clothes. I bring statuettes of Gandhi.
That's just my style. Yeah.
September 24, 2013
I Think Sign Is The
Hi! In other words, hello.
I'm listening to pop-punk on Pandora. 'Cause I'm extreme! My TV
broke, such that I can't record shows, or pause them, or whatever. It's
like I've been transported to the 1990's. Now all I need is to start
playing Commander Keen, drink Evian water, watch The Weakest Link, and purchase
stock in the tech industries. Because there's no way that'll ever crash!
So, it's fall now. Or autumn. Autumn is the way pretentious
people say fall. What, you're too good to say "fall?" Get
over yourself! I once was climbing a ladder, and I got over myself.
What, you're too good for puns? I like things that are other things.
I hope Lhota wins the NYC mayor race. Because the headline for the next
day could be, "Whole Lhota Love!" That's a reasonable reason to support a
candidate. But if Deblasio wins, and then is boring, the headline could
be, "Blah Blah Blasio!" I only like one of those puns. Figure out
for yourself which one. It's probably one of the ones you didn't like.
I got a haircut today. It's because I'm a responsible adult. These
jokes write themselves. Anyway.
Things have been going pretty good lately. I'm not just
saying that to project the image of me being normal. If I wanted to do
that, I would say, "ME NORMAL NOW, COME SEX WITH ME." No, things have
actually being going good. I feel more relaxed, my symptoms are not quite
as pronounced, and I'm feeling optimistic about the future. And it can't all
be chalked up to having French Vanilla iced coffee. Right? I
mean, that might be 50% of it, but all of it? I don't think so. I
like how Michael Myers is both the killer in Halloween and the killer in Austin
Powers. There was also a murderer by the same name as a pitcher in the
Baseball like ten or fifteen years ago. Austin Powers would make a bad
father. He'd just say "Yeah, Baby!" to everything, and the child would
learn no discipline. That would lead him to a life of violence and drugs.
Spaniards are okay in my book. That's just how I feel.
You can't argue with a feeling. But if you could... Anyway.
But yeah, so I wrote this book, and, well, one of the themes is that Spaniards
are okay. So, when that book's done, I'll let you know, before it comes
out. So you could get savings on expedited shipping, and whatnot. I
lost my train of thought. I didn't lose it as much as it's been derailed.
It's still in the realm of my thought. I know it's still in there
somewhere. Man, I'm only halfway through the entry. That sucks.
These entries are quite repetitive. It's almost comical. But I can
decisively say it isn't. Anyway. I've been whistling with my dad a
lot. Anyway. It's a pretty decent way to communicate, I think.
Or, I don't think. I think it's I don't think. When I grow up, I
want to be 32. But only for a year. Other than that, I don't know.
It's up in the air. Like airplanes. Do it, like them. Only
losers don't like airplanes. Only people with no souls don't like
airplanes. Nah, you like airplanes. I can tell. We're cool.
I think priests should go on Maury, and then he can say, "...
You ARE The Father!" And then the priest would look up at the sky,
and just smile. And probably do a dance or something. I don't
know how priests act. I never claimed to know how priests act. I
recuse myself from answering definitively on how priests, or Maury, on Maury,
may or may not act. I'm under qualified to make such predictions. I
like wearing shirts and then taking my arms into the shirt through the sleeves,
so my hands and arms are comfortably covered and protected inside my shirt.
It's a nifty activity. What else is there to talk about. It's
practically October. I give this year three out of four. I'm still
not sure 'three out of four' what, though. Gandalf.
People should use that as an exclamation. Because it's a good word.
What's the good word? Gandalf.
Well, it's the concluding paragraph. Not of my life, I
don't think, but of this entry. I hope you had fun. Because if you
didn't, all this was for naught. So you better have had fun. I like
Key Food. Keys are kind of like food for locks. Yep. Sorry.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. Probably something fun.
Because I don't have fun, all my life was for naught. I like nautical
miles. Nautical! I really do like nautical miles, though. I
September 30, 2013
Take a Trip With Me
Hey. Breaking news: today's Monday.
More on this at the top of the hour. Top of the hour to you! That's
what they say, somewhere. So, what's new? My coffee maker isn't
working. It made coffee, but it wasn't hot. I had to use my
Microwave maker to heat the coffee. And now, after fifteen minutes, the
coffee's cold anyway! What a rip-off. I can't wait till I read this
entry back in a few days, and am reminded of what will, by then, be known as
"coffee-gate," a defining moment of my life. These are memories that will
last forever. I had a dream two nights ago that I was taking over The
Tonight Show, but I had to start that night, and I wasn't prepared, and was
panicking about it. Then I had a dream last night I was in the senate, but
I basically just sat around doing nothing, feeling proud of myself. I have
weird dreams. I also have weird waking-life, so it all comes out in the
wash. There should be a remake of Car Wash, but instead of black people,
it's gay people, and the tagline is, "It All Comes Out In The Wash!"
Because that's a phrase, and now it means something else. Yup.
Memories that will last a life time. So, tomorrow, it's October.
Because Oct means ten. At least in month-speak. I think it must be
because Romans were retarded. No, but seriously, October's great.
Easily in the top ten of months. You know why? Because of the
weather. Nice, brisk evenings, cold September nights, and days that could
go on for hours. Of course, there's also Oktoberfest, which I believe is a
promotion that Six Flags has all month where they have people dress up as
zombies who walk around the park, frightening young children and giving the
elderly heart attacks. I don't like that, though. It trains people
to not be scared of real zombies when they see them.
Commencing paragraph number two. I had another dream
recently where I suddenly felt what I then identified as how my lungs would feel
without any smoke in them, and it felt great, and I woke up vowing to quit
cigarettes. Then I had a cigarette. Then, another! Because who
knows if that's how I would really feel. It might have just been a ploy.
If there's one thing I've learned from my time on Earth, it's that you can't
trust dreams. And if there's two things I've learned from my time on
Earth, I forget what the other thing was. I only have two packs of
Newports left. Do you know how many cigarettes that is? It's gotta
be roughly 40. I've been loosening up on my diet lately. I figure,
even with loosening it up, I could still be down to a healthy weight by the end
of the year. So that's good news. Is it really, though?
Yes, it is! Those two sentences were brought to you by mind-blankness and
brain-boredom. So, I got my T.V. working again. It's doing night
shifts down at the homeless shelter. Boo. Yeah.
I remember the first show I ever watched on this T.V. It was my sophomore
year in high school, I had just moved into the room (it was my brother's room,
it's twice the size of my old room, and I successfully petitioned my parents
into letting me move into it when my brother went to college), and the first
show I watched was The Simpsons. I remember thinking how crisp it looked.
My old T.V. in my old room was my grandfather's old crappy T.V. that I got when
he died. Some say his spirit still haunts the T.V, showing the dialogue
when it's angry. Others say that's just the closed captioning. Who
knows for sure, though.
Poor ol' grandpa. Died of cough syrup overdose.
No he didn't. Anyway. I remember when I was a kid in my old room, I
would always sleep on the very edge of the bed, and sometimes I would fall off
in the middle of the night and wake up. I think the reason I did it was
because I was scared there was a ghost on the other side of the bed. If I
thought that now, I would do the opposite, and face that side of the bed, so I
would be sure there was no ghost. I guess at the time, ghost or not, I
just didn't wanna know about it. Can't be bothered. You know?
I also used to sleep with my eyes open. According to my parents, at least.
I didn't know. I was asleep. I want someone to ask me, "ASL?" and
I'll say, "Eep!" Actually, I hope that never happens. Ever. If
that ever happens, I'll be upset. Anyway. What else is new.
Breaking Bad is over. It turns out that they're all fictional characters.
I hope I didn't spoil it for anyone. The baseball season is over.
The Mets successfully didn't succeed enough and finished in the bottom ten of
the majors, so they have their next year's first round draft pick secured.
So, good on them. I started reading some philosophy. For real, yo.
It's interesting and all, but a lot of it really just sort of confirms how
pointless life is. Like, let's say your life pursuit is to amass as much
knowledge as you can. Well, there's plenty of people out there who amassed
more knowledge then you did, by a lot. So then why were you here, exactly?
Boom. Philosophy slam.
Anyway. I guess the answer is to have a
different life pursuit. Problem solved. That's logic, that's all
that is. Great, now I'm depressed. I think my life pursuit is just
to be happy, and hopefully make other people happy. That's reasonable, and
probably doable, right? I think so. At least make myself happy.
I have no control over what other people feel. It starts at home.
Well, half of it starts at home. The other half starts at the pitcher's
mound. I made a risqué joke to my mom a couple of weeks ago. She was
going to vote in the primary for mayor, and I told her to have fun, and she said
"what about it is fun?" and I told her I have fun when I'm pulling my lever.
Then I felt weird for two hours. Yeah. I think my mom used to be
worried about how much porn I had when I was a teenager. Because I had a
lot of porn, and I guess I needed her to take care of my computer for security
updates and whatnot, and then after she would always be like, in an awkward
tone, "You gotta delete that crap on your computer." Fun times.
Talking about porn with my mother.
So, this is the concluding paragraph. I say that a lot.
Pretty much about once or twice an entry. I just turned to the T.V., and
there was a commercial for the news that said "NEWSCAST," and at first I thought
it said, "JEWSCAST." Funny stuff. I actually fasted for Yom Kippur a
few weeks ago. I don't know why. I guess I was just hedging my bets.
And I didn't fast completely, I just didn't eat. I still drank fluids.
And did 'labor,' like watching T.V. But I figure not eating food for 24
hours was pretty good. Wow. This is almost over. What have we
learned from this entry? Nothing? Well, it's a good thing knowledge
isn't my life's pursuit. And, even if it was, any gained in something I
wrote by myself should be taken with a grain of salt. Part of what I read
said something like, people tend to put more stock in what they personally know,
because of pride, than actually learning something new. So, this entry was