Thursday, September 5, 2013

Shakespeare Loved To Roll Them Dice

         Hey.  This is the first entry in two months.  I don't know if I really have it in me to write an entry.  I don't think I do.  Still, I will soldier on.  I've been smoking a lot of cigarettes lately.  It's because I'm addicted to them.  Also, it relieves stress.  Also, it relives stress.  I can't stress that enough.  I just drank for the first time in like two months.  I was doing so good.  And, I gotta tell you, being drunk is nothing special.  I feel stupid enough as it is without being drunk, I don't need that feeling magnified.  So, not a lot is new in my neck of the woods.  I'm not taking any classes this semester, but I am probably going to take a continuing ed class.  A yoga class.  I figure that would be good for my mind and body.  That's what it says in the brochure, at least.  It says I need to bring my own yoga mat, though.  Is that like a Dance, Dance Revolution mat?  Because I don't have either of them.  I released some of my music online about a week ago.  You can go to theuppers.bandcamp.com to listen.  The music was infinitely better when I was listening to it every day, by myself in my room, but when I got drunk and started to listen to it attentively, boy did it bore the crap out of me.  I guess I'm just no musician.  I am an adequate jokester, though.  No one can take that away from me.  Man.  The crappy part about starting to drink, is once you've started drinking, you just want more.  I had gone a good 2 or 3 months without drinking at all.  But, the thing is, even without drinking, I was planning out my future life to include drinking every day.  Once I was off my diet.  But now, with this experience, I'm starting to question the idea of drinking to excess every day of the week.  So I guess it's a good thing.  Live and learn, as they say.
    Man, do I love alcohol.  I mean, what?  Anyway.  This year has flown by too fast.  Even with doing nothing every day, I can say that with confidence.  What else is going on.  I watched my The Critic DVDs recently.  That was a great show.  I have nothing more to say about it.  I guess I'm not a very good critic, of The Critic!  A-ha-ha!  That joke would be right at home in The Critic.  The more I say the phrase, "The Critic," the less it sounds like a real T.V. show.  Because nobody has mentioned it in 16 years.  I don't like how this entry is going.  Oh well.  Must soldier on.  That's a promise I made to myself long ago.  Way back in the first paragraph.  Do they make Scrabble for other languages?  I guess they would have to call it Scrabblé.  I gotta work on that joke.  You know, to make it funny.  And stuff.  Man, that half full glass of coke/scotch is calling my name.  It's calling my name, and raising it a, "you will feel more mentally and physiologically complete with more alcohol!"  How am I gonna finish this entry.  I'm done.  Really.  Alcohol puts me in a mental prison.  I don't like it.  Normally, without alcohol, sure, I'm still in a mental prison, but at least it's "Yard time!"  Now, it's like I'm in "Chow time!"  And that's no fun.  Because that's where people often get shanked.  Also, to get the alcohol, I had to take a walk around my neighborhood for the first time in like 2 months.  Being outside is weird.  I hate being around other people, I always feel so awkward.  Like, say you're a Chinese lady walking by me.  Do I look you in the face?  Do I stare at the sidewalk?  What the hell am I supposed to do?  This is a question with no answer.  There's no correct answer.  And that's why I'm so confused. 
    Third paragraph.  Boom.  I've been smoking the shit out of cigarettes lately.  I mean, why not.  It doesn't hurt anybody.  Not to my knowledge.  Man, I can't wait to go to sleep.  I hate being asleep, though.  For months now, I've had crazy nightmares literally every night.  I don't like talking about it, because I'm afraid I will jinx it into continuing, but now I'm prepared to try any solution, so I'm hoping I'll jinx it into not continuing!  That's not really a jinx, you say?  Well, jinx!.  I totally jinxed you on that reaction.  Oh man.  Halfway through the entry.  What the hell else is there to say.  I thought about changing my name recently.  I've grown pretty used to my first name, but I was thinking about changing my last name.  Ultimately, I decided against it, both because it's pointless and some sense of loyalty to my father.  And realizing that changing your name doesn't change who you are.  And that's what I really want.  I'll trade who I am for any generic knock-off of a human being there is out there.  Not really.  But, sort of.  Every existence has it's ups and downs.  Now I wanna drink more.  Once you start, you can't stop.  Just like Pringles.  I'm going to eat a grilled chicken cutlet hero for dinner.  Deal with it, bitches.  I don't know why I thought that would be an interesting thing to say.  I apologize.  But, not enough to erase it.  This is what's known as a bulk business.  Anything remotely applicable remains.
    Anyway.  I'm gonna drink some more.  I mean, if I don't drink all I have, then I'll just drink again tomorrow.  So this way, I get it all out of the way.  I'm thinking of my future when I drink now.  It makes sense.  It's been a shitload of time since I've seen any friends.  If you're my friend, and are reading this, don't feel guilty for not inviting me to hang out.  But, really, feel very guilty.  I mean, I'm normal.  I can hang.  Thanks for nothing, jerk offs.  But, the good news is, I've had plenty of time to foster my friendship with the voices in my head.  We're on pretty good terms now.  Anyway.  This entry is close to being over.  But then, there's always the next entry.  Even if it's a month from now, or a year from now, we must begin thinking about it immediately.  Because, if we don't we won't be prepared for it.  So, what will it include?  Comments about how much I've been smoking or drinking?  Reiterations about how mentally ill I am?  My shaky relationship with the outside world?  How I feel incredibly lonely?  These are choices I must face now.  Wait, I'm still not even finished with this entry.  That's a relief!  I can put off those questions for the next entry.  The real question is, how mediocre will the next paragraph be?  Insanely mediocre, or just mildly mediocre.  We'll find out together!
    The word, "mediocre" looks like it's missing a letter or two.  But it's not.  Wow, a paragraph away to completion.  So, what's going on?  I really should have said what's going on earlier, so I could give it a proper amount of discussion.  However, there being nothing much that's going on, I guess it's appropriate here at the end.  I mean, really.  All I do each day is watch T.V. and listen to music.  It's more exciting than it sounds, but in full, it's quite a dull existence.  I brought a tiny statute of Buddha and another one of an elephant into my room.  We've got loads of crap like that, since my maternal grandfather was an antiques dealer.  I remember in high school, I would sometimes bring a statuette of Gandhi into school, and place it on my desk during classes.  Some people dye their hair, some people wear cool clothes.  I bring statuettes of Gandhi.  That's just my style.  Yeah.

-5:40 P.M.                                   

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I Think Sign Is The Worst Language

         Hi!  In other words, hello.  I'm listening to pop-punk on Pandora.  'Cause I'm extreme!  My TV broke, such that I can't record shows, or pause them, or whatever.  It's like I've been transported to the 1990's.  Now all I need is to start playing Commander Keen, drink Evian water, watch The Weakest Link, and purchase stock in the tech industries.  Because there's no way that'll ever crash!  So, it's fall now.  Or autumn.  Autumn is the way pretentious people say fall.  What, you're too good to say "fall?"  Get over yourself!  I once was climbing a ladder, and I got over myself.  What, you're too good for puns?  I like things that are other things.  I hope Lhota wins the NYC mayor race.  Because the headline for the next day could be, "Whole Lhota Love!"  That's a reasonable reason to support a candidate.  But if Deblasio wins, and then is boring, the headline could be, "Blah Blah Blasio!"  I only like one of those puns.  Figure out for yourself which one.  It's probably one of the ones you didn't like.  I got a haircut today.  It's because I'm a responsible adult.  These jokes write themselves.  Anyway.
    Things have been going pretty good lately.  I'm not just saying that to project the image of me being normal.  If I wanted to do that, I would say, "ME NORMAL NOW, COME SEX WITH ME."  No, things have actually being going good.  I feel more relaxed, my symptoms are not quite as pronounced, and I'm feeling optimistic about the future.  And it can't all be chalked up to having French Vanilla iced coffee.  Right?  I mean, that might be 50% of it, but all of it?  I don't think so.  I like how Michael Myers is both the killer in Halloween and the killer in Austin Powers.  There was also a murderer by the same name as a pitcher in the Baseball like ten or fifteen years ago.  Austin Powers would make a bad father.  He'd just say "Yeah, Baby!" to everything, and the child would learn no discipline.  That would lead him to a life of violence and drugs. 
    Spaniards are okay in my book.  That's just how I feel.  You can't argue with a feeling.  But if you could...  Anyway.  But yeah, so I wrote this book, and, well, one of the themes is that Spaniards are okay.  So, when that book's done, I'll let you know, before it comes out.  So you could get savings on expedited shipping, and whatnot.  I lost my train of thought.  I didn't lose it as much as it's been derailed.  It's still in the realm of my thought.  I know it's still in there somewhere.  Man, I'm only halfway through the entry.  That sucks.  These entries are quite repetitive.  It's almost comical.  But I can decisively say it isn't.  Anyway.  I've been whistling with my dad a lot.  Anyway.  It's a pretty decent way to communicate, I think.  Or, I don't think.  I think it's I don't think.  When I grow up, I want to be 32.  But only for a year.  Other than that, I don't know.  It's up in the air.  Like airplanes.  Do it, like them.  Only losers don't like airplanes.  Only people with no souls don't like airplanes.  Nah, you like airplanes.  I can tell.  We're cool.
    I think priests should go on Maury, and then he can say, "... You ARE The Father!" And then the priest would look up at the sky, and just smile.  And probably do a dance or something.  I don't know how priests act.  I never claimed to know how priests act.  I recuse myself from answering definitively on how priests, or Maury, on Maury, may or may not act.  I'm under qualified to make such predictions.  I like wearing shirts and then taking my arms into the shirt through the sleeves, so my hands and arms are comfortably covered and protected inside my shirt.  It's a nifty activity.  What else is there to talk about.  It's practically October.  I give this year three out of four.  I'm still not sure 'three out of four' what, though.  Gandalf.  People should use that as an exclamation.  Because it's a good word.  What's the good word?  Gandalf. 
    Well, it's the concluding paragraph.  Not of my life, I don't think, but of this entry.  I hope you had fun.  Because if you didn't, all this was for naught.  So you better have had fun.  I like Key Food.  Keys are kind of like food for locks.  Yep.  Sorry.  I don't know what I'm going to do now.  Probably something fun.  Because I don't have fun, all my life was for naught.  I like nautical miles.  Nautical!  I really do like nautical miles, though.  I really do.

-4:56 P.M.       

Monday, September 30, 2013

Take a Trip With Me

         Hey.  Breaking news: today's Monday.  More on this at the top of the hour.  Top of the hour to you!  That's what they say, somewhere.  So, what's new?  My coffee maker isn't working.  It made coffee, but it wasn't hot.  I had to use my Microwave maker to heat the coffee.  And now, after fifteen minutes, the coffee's cold anyway!  What a rip-off.  I can't wait till I read this entry back in a few days, and am reminded of what will, by then, be known as "coffee-gate," a defining moment of my life.  These are memories that will last forever.  I had a dream two nights ago that I was taking over The Tonight Show, but I had to start that night, and I wasn't prepared, and was panicking about it.  Then I had a dream last night I was in the senate, but I basically just sat around doing nothing, feeling proud of myself.  I have weird dreams.  I also have weird waking-life, so it all comes out in the wash.  There should be a remake of Car Wash, but instead of black people, it's gay people, and the tagline is, "It All Comes Out In The Wash!"  Because that's a phrase, and now it means something else.  Yup.  Memories that will last a life time.  So, tomorrow, it's October.  Because Oct means ten.  At least in month-speak.  I think it must be because Romans were retarded.  No, but seriously, October's great.  Easily in the top ten of months.  You know why?  Because of the weather.  Nice, brisk evenings, cold September nights, and days that could go on for hours.  Of course, there's also Oktoberfest, which I believe is a promotion that Six Flags has all month where they have people dress up as zombies who walk around the park, frightening young children and giving the elderly heart attacks.  I don't like that, though.  It trains people to not be scared of real zombies when they see them.
    Commencing paragraph number two.  I had another dream recently where I suddenly felt what I then identified as how my lungs would feel without any smoke in them, and it felt great, and I woke up vowing to quit cigarettes.  Then I had a cigarette.  Then, another!  Because who knows if that's how I would really feel.  It might have just been a ploy.  If there's one thing I've learned from my time on Earth, it's that you can't trust dreams.  And if there's two things I've learned from my time on Earth, I forget what the other thing was.  I only have two packs of Newports left.  Do you know how many cigarettes that is?  It's gotta be roughly 40.  I've been loosening up on my diet lately.  I figure, even with loosening it up, I could still be down to a healthy weight by the end of the year.  So that's good news.  Is it really, though?  Yes, it is!  Those two sentences were brought to you by mind-blankness and brain-boredom.  So, I got my T.V. working again.  It's doing night shifts down at the homeless shelter.  Boo.  Yeah.  I remember the first show I ever watched on this T.V.  It was my sophomore year in high school, I had just moved into the room (it was my brother's room, it's twice the size of my old room, and I successfully petitioned my parents into letting me move into it when my brother went to college), and the first show I watched was The Simpsons.  I remember thinking how crisp it looked.  My old T.V. in my old room was my grandfather's old crappy T.V. that I got when he died.  Some say his spirit still haunts the T.V, showing the dialogue when it's angry.  Others say that's just the closed captioning.  Who knows for sure, though.
    Poor ol' grandpa.  Died of cough syrup overdose.  No he didn't.  Anyway.  I remember when I was a kid in my old room, I would always sleep on the very edge of the bed, and sometimes I would fall off in the middle of the night and wake up.  I think the reason I did it was because I was scared there was a ghost on the other side of the bed.  If I thought that now, I would do the opposite, and face that side of the bed, so I would be sure there was no ghost.  I guess at the time, ghost or not, I just didn't wanna know about it.  Can't be bothered.  You know?  I also used to sleep with my eyes open.  According to my parents, at least.  I didn't know.  I was asleep.  I want someone to ask me, "ASL?" and I'll say, "Eep!"  Actually, I hope that never happens.  Ever.  If that ever happens, I'll be upset.  Anyway.  What else is new.  Breaking Bad is over.  It turns out that they're all fictional characters.  I hope I didn't spoil it for anyone.  The baseball season is over.  The Mets successfully didn't succeed enough and finished in the bottom ten of the majors, so they have their next year's first round draft pick secured.  So, good on them.  I started reading some philosophy.  For real, yo.  It's interesting and all, but a lot of it really just sort of confirms how pointless life is.  Like, let's say your life pursuit is to amass as much knowledge as you can.  Well, there's plenty of people out there who amassed more knowledge then you did, by a lot.  So then why were you here, exactly?  Boom.  Philosophy slam. 
      Anyway.  I guess the answer is to have a different life pursuit.  Problem solved.  That's logic, that's all that is.  Great, now I'm depressed.  I think my life pursuit is just to be happy, and hopefully make other people happy.  That's reasonable, and probably doable, right?  I think so.  At least make myself happy.  I have no control over what other people feel.  It starts at home.  Well, half of it starts at home.  The other half starts at the pitcher's mound.  I made a risqué joke to my mom a couple of weeks ago.  She was going to vote in the primary for mayor, and I told her to have fun, and she said "what about it is fun?" and I told her I have fun when I'm pulling my lever.  Then I felt weird for two hours.  Yeah.  I think my mom used to be worried about how much porn I had when I was a teenager.  Because I had a lot of porn, and I guess I needed her to take care of my computer for security updates and whatnot, and then after she would always be like, in an awkward tone, "You gotta delete that crap on your computer."  Fun times.  Talking about porn with my mother.
    So, this is the concluding paragraph.  I say that a lot.  Pretty much about once or twice an entry.  I just turned to the T.V., and there was a commercial for the news that said "NEWSCAST," and at first I thought it said, "JEWSCAST."  Funny stuff.  I actually fasted for Yom Kippur a few weeks ago.  I don't know why.  I guess I was just hedging my bets.  And I didn't fast completely, I just didn't eat.  I still drank fluids.  And did 'labor,' like watching T.V.  But I figure not eating food for 24 hours was pretty good.  Wow.  This is almost over.  What have we learned from this entry?  Nothing?  Well, it's a good thing knowledge isn't my life's pursuit.  And, even if it was, any gained in something I wrote by myself should be taken with a grain of salt.  Part of what I read said something like, people tend to put more stock in what they personally know, because of pride, than actually learning something new.  So, this entry was pointless.  Goodnight.

-1:13 P.M.