Saturday, December 29, 2018
Hey Man, Great Title!
Thanks, man! Hey it's me, to
write another entry for some reason. There's real stuff I should be doing
creatively, but no way! Write the writing sample for MFA Application?
Nope! Work on the pilot I was writing a few months ago? Forget it!
Start a new round of music? No way! Instead, I choose to do nothing.
Just like Gandhi. The point is I'm a hero. I saw the new
Spiderman yesterday, and it was okay, but it depressed me to realize that I am
now too old to be a Spiderman. Generationally, I'm closer to being an
Uncle Ben than a Spiderman. That's my future. Uncle Ben. In
his sexless sham of a marriage to Aunt May.
The only thing that I excel at in life, that would be
accentuated were I to be a Super Hero, is smoking cigarettes and watching things
happen. Hey, A Super Villain Is Fighting With The Police Chief And A
Squadron of NYPD's Finest! Wait, what's that? There!
There's a guy smoking a cigarette and watching it happen! Could This Be
The Hero We've Been Waiting For?! You know, that sort of thing.
That's what I'm capable of. Anyway, fourth entry of the month. If
you had Four in your Office Pool of how many entries there would be this
month, Congratulations On Working In An Office.
Christmas Occurred! My brother got me a Mandolin which
is pretty great. Except for that it's a Righty Mandolin and I'm a Lefty
Proto-Mandolin-Player. Still hasn't stopped me from flipping it around and
playing it upside down, though! What is stopping me, though, is that it's
impossible to play a Mandolin without it sounding like it's out of tune.
Maybe it's just me, I don't know. And I don't think it's that I'm playing
it upside down. I tune it as well as I can, and it just don't sound right.
I blame everybody. Pretty much. Worldwide conspiracy to make my
mandolin not sound right.
The good news is, so far, each paragraph has actually been a
real paragraph. Right length, subject cohesiveness and coherentness.
I like it! It's good to mix things up. Having myself a Drink.
You know, to make the pain go away? The pain of being dead? Wait,
I'm alive! That's a relief and a half. What's going on in the
wide world of sports. The Mandolin constantly sounding out of tune,
though, has made me really appreciate the guitar, and how I can play it without
it sounding like nonsense. It's like watching an orphan scurry around in
the alley and go through your trash for a rotten half eaten banana because he
hasn't eaten in four weeks-- it makes you hold your family that much closer and
thank God for the blessings you have. And then calling the cops on that
orphan because it looks like he's up to something and why should you have to
live with your family being threatened like that?
What the what? I like that the last act of our outgoing
Republican Congress was You Know What? Fuck You. You don't get a
paycheck this Christmas. Really good coda to what they were all about.
I like this new term Donald Trump learned and is constantly tweeting--
"Presidential Harassment." Because it sounds like how he'd refer to his
actions on unsuspecting women that he comes into contact with. This
ain't your run of the mill Sexual Harassment! This is Presidential
Harassment! Your welcome! Anyway, I don't know. Maybe the
reason Donald Trump is deteriorating mentally is because he hasn't had
the opportunity to cheat on his wife with a semi-willing partner since he's
become president. Too many people around him. And without
Presidential Harassment, he doesn't know how to cope with life.
That's not my guess-- I just think he's a pathetic shell of a
man if you could be a shell of a man if you were never much of a man to begin
with. That's my guess. Democratic Primary Season is heating
up! Beto O' Rourke VS Bernie Sanders! It's a real case of
Hey look at this guy's voting record against Hey Shut Up This Guy Is The
Next Big Thing! Win-Win for Democrats!!! I got some good
perspective on this Beto character through someone's observation that he's
essentially next in the line of our past 2 Democratic Presidents, Bill Clinton
and Barack Obama. A charismatic younger man whose not really progressive
at all. So, if that's what you want-- great! Keep it to
yourself. This is the Democratic Party, not the Let's Be Moderate!
Party. Get your own party!
We Need This One! No One Else Would Have Us!
And Jill Stein Is Kind Of An Asshole. Also, progressives
looking for change are the reason we took back the congress, so you turn your
back on us now? Then you're even bigger assholes than Jill Stein!
I don't know. That's Politics for ya. I had chocolate chip pancakes
for dinner what of it. Different sizes, yeah, so what. One had a six
inch diameter and two had six point five inch diameters why do you care so much.
What The What. Hey, what paragraph are we into now? Seventh.
So far, these are things Microsoft FrontPage has told me aren't words--
Generationally, Righty, Coherentness. Pretty sure at least two out of
those three are words.
Well, great, what else. TV started showing the
titles again for when I'm browsing On Demand. They must have read last
week's entry. That's my best guess. Anyway, about a month ago, I
revealed to you that I'd been having recurring dreams about having to baby sit
Judd Apatow's kids. Well, I'm here to report I'm dreaming about Judd
Apatow again-- now, of the man himself. In the dreams, he's directing me
in things, and man-- he's a good director. Knows how to get The Goods out
of me. He knows I have no experience acting, but he makes me feel
comfortable, says what I need to hear for him to get what he wants out of me.
And it's not always a great experience-- sometimes I feel misled by the
direction he was giving me and the performance he got sort of goes against what
I was going for, but he knew all along what he wanted and he got it.
So that's my new recurring dream. It's good to
be me. Also, I know it's Judd Apatow, but when I picture what I was
picturing in the dream once I've woken up, it looks more like Jimmy Kimmel
squinting. I'm not sure what that means, but it's safe to say it's an
important part of the equation if you want to psychoanalyze these dreams.
Ninth paragraph. Let's keep it going. I got a brownie from Dunkin
Donuts because they labeled it as having 240 calories, and it was a lot of
brownie for 240 calories. But I'm pretty sure the internet is saying the
only brownie Dunkin Donuts serves is 350 calories. So my Dunkin Donuts are
dirty dirty liars and I'm gonna Presidentially Harass Them until they give me my
110 calories back. New word Microsoft FrontPage tells me isn't a word--
Wonderful. Dunkin Donuts 'are.' As
if I can refer to them as the Donuts themselves. Heh. Those
Donuts Meant For Dunking are lying to me! Well, I don't trust them
either. The entire franchise has lost credibility with me. Anyway,
gonna start reading books again soon. That's the least I could do, if I'm
not gonna do any productive writing. I wanna at least get to the Jeff
Tweedy book. Maybe he'll reveal whether Jeff Tweedy is his real name or
not. Or whether he picked it just because he thought it sounded cool.
I've had people (a person) ask me if Michael Kornblum is my real name or if I
just came up with it. The answer is Both. It is my real name, and I
did come up with it in the sense that I developed through adolescence and my
musical beginnings while having possessing that name. You know, 'coming
up' with something in the colloquial sense. Think about it, real hard,
until it makes sense to you. Also, I came up with the name The
Uppers. Up Up Up.
Got a new bottle of alcohol today. That'll show my old
bottle of alcohol for no longer possessing alcohol and thus being useless to me.
It's a cruel, harsh world. What else is going on and whatnot?
This is the 11th paragraph! I know, right? I can hardly believe it.
Cool. In Politics, being Moderate is Good! You don't want to have
too correct policies and positions on things, do you? People would be
confused! Mix in some bad with the good, that way everyone's feels like a
winner! That sums that up. Anyway. I was reading some
scholarly article (re: clickbait on some entertainment blog) about famous
couples where the guy is shorter than the woman. And, in almost all of
them, the guy is some sort of rock star/musician. So, I guess that
explains why I went into music, subconsciously. I knew I was on to
Now all I need is Great Success and Millions of Money and
Thousands of Fans! No, that can't be what makes them attractive,
can it? It's because they know how to play chords on a guitar.
Right? I guess. I don't need to be part of a famous
couple. I just need to be in any kind of couple. Who will
be the Aunt May to my Uncle Ben? That's gonna be the logline in my
Dating Profile, should I sign up for a Dating Website. Anyway, I don't
know. I was browsing women's profiles on Dating Websites, just as a lark,
and it amuses me how about 3/4ths of them have a height requirement for their
potential mate. Usually starting off at around 5'9 or 5'10. These
people are desperate if they're on this site. Or, if not desperate,
let's say, very willing. And they're still saying There might be
someone perfectly compatible for me whose like 50% of the male population and is
under 5'9... but fuck that!
Makes sense to me. Fuck those guys! Let's
eliminate 50% of the pool right off the bat because they don't Go Into The Sky
as much as other people. Ya gotta laugh, right? What paragraph are
we into now. 13th. Great. The question, then, is: Do
I have the 3rd pancake I got as part of my dinner as a snack tonight, or save it
for breakfast tomorrow, and have a pop tart tonight? If you were
dating me, you'd be able to help me figure that out! See what
you're missing out on, ladies? Doesn't feel so good when confronted with
the cold hard facts of what you're missing out on, does it? I don't know.
Truly, I don't. At this point, my best guess is this'll be 20-25
Alright. Women are entitled to their preferences.
And I'm entitled to make fun of them for it. It's a Win-Win!
Except for me. I lose. Dammit! What else is going on in
the wide world of sports. Almost definitely the last entry of 2018.
I think I'm gonna like 2019. It's a lot like 2018, which I like, because
I've spent 12 months getting used to 2018 and I think I got it down pretty
nicely. So 12 more months of 2018, in the form of 2019? I think I
can handle that. And, even better, 2019 is going to be a lot like 2020--
and 2020 is very promising because it's the future and Trump might be very well
be gone by then, and, if not, very likely will have the promise of being gone by
November 2020. So if 2019 is like 2020 in that way, that's fun. And,
you add that to 2019 being like 2018, it's the best of both worlds!
Makes sense to me. But, then again, I am an idiot,
so you gotta take that into account, I guess. Jeez. 15th paragraph.
Took me about an hour and fifteen minutes to get here. What a wonderful
use of my precious, precocious time. I don't know why I said precocious.
The word precious reminded me of it. Get off my back about it, okay?!
I got a package of Milano Milk Chocolate cookies for Christmas. It was
part of a package of several different gifts, but still. Here's
some cookies from the Super Market. Little do they/you know, I
love cookies from the Super Market! Maybe they did know. And
that's why they got it. Actually, yeah, I love this gift! It's like
they looked into my soul and knew what I was all about. If they
really loved me, they would have gotten Double Milk Chocolate. It's like a
Milk Chocolate Milano cookie, but double the chocolate. Doesn't take a
brain surgeon to figure that one out.
By, "Figure That One Out," I can either mean, doesn't
take a brain surgeon to figure out that's what a double milk chocolate cookie
is, or, doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out
that's what I'm all about and if they loved me they'd know that.
Anyway, let's keep it going. 75% done if I go for the 20 paragraphs.
I gotta think of a way to keep the night going when I'm done with this entry.
It's a Saturday Night, a boy like me should be having fun! I can
continue to watch American Horror Story. It's a good show because you
never know what's going on. Are these characters real or imaginary, are
they alive or dead, what's the deal? Any good show worth it's weight
has you asking those questions. Also, new saying-- is this show
worth it's weight? Doesn't have to apply to only shows. You can
apply it to anything.
Is this entry worth it's weight? I don't know,
but these are the questions we should be asking. Anyways. If I could
watch American Horror Story on TV instead of Computer, that would increase the
Quality of Saturday Night it provides by about, let's say, 1.25 or 1.5 X.
That's my Hot Take on current events. Remember the first half of the
entry, where it was about things? What a charmed life we lived back then.
Anyway, what else. Let's get back on a track where the track is a track
were I'm saying things that mean something. When watching Spiderman, there
were about six trailers beforehand specifically about kids, mostly preteens,
embarking on some sort of magical quest where they become big heroes even though
they're kids. What is this bullshit? I wanna be a hero! I'm
not a kid anymore! You've lost me.
I mean, my peers have children. Is
that my future? I watch people being heroes and they're not me, they're
my kids? Fuck that! I don't want my kids to be more successful
than me. That doesn't seem fair at all. But I guess that's the key
life lesson I'll be able to give them. You only get so long in life to
have mass entertainment tailor itself to your fantasies and whims and desires.
Treasure it while you can. One day, they'll be tailoring themselves to your
kids. And I'll be laughing. Laughing my head off.
Welcome to my world, jerks!
Penultimate paragraph, most likely.
Let's see, let's see, what else. Isn't the key demographic in Television
ages 18-34? I still have a full five years of that! Movies probably
skew younger, if I had to guess. But I still got a lot of quality time
left to go with Television. So I got that to be thankful for this holiday
season. But even then, one day, the only people left vying for my
attention will be Fox News and The History Channel. And I'll have to watch
about how White People Are Victims or about how Aliens Are The Real History,
just because. That's what old people do. It just feels nice to be
Welp. 20th paragraph. Wrappin' up the year in
style! Crazysheet style! I'm gonna find something to watch on Real
TV after this. It's a Saturday Night, a boy my age should be lying in bed!
Sure, I could put my computer on my nightstand, sort of have it half closed so
when I look at it the light reflects from it so it makes sense, watch it that
way. In fact, maybe I will! I started describing it like No Way
I'm Gonna Do That but by the end I was like Hey I Can Do That.
That's life in a nutshell. Probably gonna do a bonus paragraph after this
one. Hopefully only one!
Jeez. There should be some sort of way where we can
save the planet from global warming. Any ideas? Seems like kind of a
pressing issue. I don't know. Haven't done Music Open Mic in a
while. I should do that before it goes away. I should do lots of
things. Most of them, though, I won't do. I got no drive. I
blame everybody but myself. I don't know. I don't even know how
to drive. Never got the drive to learn how to drive. I don't even
know how to ride a bike! I can ride in the passenger seat of a car, facing
backwards on an LIRR train, or awkwardly sitting next to someone on the bus
while shifting my body towards the aisle while they're by the window just
because Might As Well There's No One In The Aisle Why Crowd This Guy By The
Window? I'll see ya later.
Friday, December 21, 2018
... Pretty Sure I've Already Said Everything There Is To Be Said In The
Feels that way, at least. Hello,
friends! Another Friday Night Entry. Odd day for me today in regards
to absolutely zero walks today! Raining too hard! Can I go do
the treadmill instead tonight? Yep! Will I? Nope! Why?
I Got Me Reasons Get Off My Back. I checked my weight for the first
time in a few weeks today, and there was a huge variation each time I checked.
Get on the scale, it says 118 pounds. Great! Step off, step back on.
124 pounds. Crap! Did it over and over several dozen times-- never
reached any sort of consistency! So that took about 3 hours but the good
news is now I have no idea how much I weigh. I want to just average
it out and say I weigh 121 pounds. I want to-- but I can't. Feels
wrong. Just wrote 118-124 in my weight/calorie diary.
Sure I keep a weight/calorie diary. How do you count
calories every day-- in your head? You'd forget! I keep a running
total. One day I'll put it all into an Excel Spreadsheet and figure out
some equations and whatnot. Anyway. Starting this entry before
dinner. Will finish it after dinner. That's the plan. I
actually got a couple of save-em-ups this entry! Not jokes, but thoughts.
Here's one-- when you think about it, it's extremely odd what with the variation
in penis size from man to man. I can't think of any other part of
the body where some people Hey this is big! and other people are damn
got short shifted no pun intended. Is that a pun? I don't know.
And also, as far as I can tell, there's no proportion to the rest of your body!
It's not like some guys are like hey my ears are twice the
size of this guy's ears for some reason. Seems odd, that's all I'm
saying. Here's another thought save-em-up, regarding my writing skills.
I've heard over and over again how editing is the most important part of
writing-- and I agree, it's really important. But it's also the aspect of
writing I'm worst at. I just throw shit at a wall and hope some of it
sticks. I can't write something, look back at it the next day, and see
what was good about it and what was bad about it and how to improve it. It
takes me years to get that sort of perspective. Maybe ten years down the
line from writing something I can look back at it and go oh, this is what
works, this doesn't, gotta accentuate the stuff that works.
Until I reach that point years down the line, it all just
seems like nonsense. So the good news is Hey Now It's Time For Jokes!
Gonna take a drink in half an hour or so, that'll get the jokes coming. So
I finally deposited some money on poker. I deposited 50 dollars, and
somehow, I've lost 70 dollars. True Story. But I still have
six dollars, too, somehow. Anyway. Got about 3.5 drinks left in the
alcohol bottle. Sounds perfect. More than enough, but not too much.
Perfect! What's been going on in the wide world of sports. Today is
the first day of winter. Not ever. This Winter.
There's been plenty days of winters in the past.
What kind of deluded misanthrope likes winter.
We can all agree winter is the worst of the seasons. Forget Holidays and
whatnot, I'm talking weather-wise. Cold and snow-- who needs it?
Nobody! No one benefits from cold and snow except for maybe animals the
hibernate. Chill out in a cave, snow covers the entrance so nobody finds
your secret hiding space, that's great. But what use is it to us?
None! It's not like sunshine and rain. Plants and crops can't get
enough of that stuff! There's no organism that, it gets snowed on, and it
becomes healthy and grows. Snow is a big Zero in terms of helping people.
Sun going down at 5 PM. What kind of moron enjoys that?
I know a lot of people are night owls-- great, I'm one of them. But that's
only for real night. It's not like it's 6 PM and it's dark outside
and we go Oh Boy More Night Time! It's dark and dreary but, on the
inside, we still know it's afternoon. Got no use for it! Also not a
fan of how seasons don't fit into the schedule of a year. Winter starts in
one year barely, then most of it is in the next year. Yet we still think
of Winter as the 4th season, I could confidently say. (I won't confidently
say it, but I could! I'll say it with some trepidation.) It's
bad enough it doesn't fit in the schedule of the year precisely, but now we got
to deal with thinking of it as the last season when, let's be honest, it should
be the first season?!!?!
Part of the reason we think of it as the last season is
cause no one likes it. We start off the seasons with winter, that bums
everybody out. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall? We gotta
lead off with this bullshit season? Come on! I do kind of
like the balance of the seasons not just going from hottest to coldest, or
coldest to hottest, though. 2nd hottest, hottest, third hottest, fourth
hottest. I can dig that. Mix it up a little, I appreciate that.
How long have I been talking about this. Three paragraphs.
Perfect. I took about .25 of a drink before this rant.
That'll justify that. I do still have some money on poker, though.
Let's see how long that lasts. I like this new poker website I'm using,
because there's no user names. Whatever random table you sit at, each
person is just Player001 through Player 009. Now, I love
usernames-- titles are kind of my thing-- but there's a certain charm to the
anonymity. And it prevents you from seeing a guy play and adjusting to his
play accordingly even though you're no good at adjusting, it just makes you get
inside of your own head more. Just treat everyone as equals.
Huh. Great. I hope I get to be
Player007 so I could pretend it's my username and a reference to James Bond.
Anyway, what else is going on. I actually only sit at 6 Max tables,
so it's only Players 1-6. Anyway. What paragraph are we at.
Eighth? Wow. Sometimes I like it when entries are rambling nothings.
Variety is the spice of life. I also think it's funny that not only are
wieners the only part of the body where there's unpredictability in the size,
but it's the main part of the body people care about the size! Whatta
joke. Maybe the only reason people care about it is because
it is the only part that's different. If everyone's ears were
different sizes, maybe there'd be people obsessed with their ear size. I
don't have all the answers. Only about 40% of them.
Anyway. Oh, wait, no. Women don't get
off on big ears vs small ears. Although maybe they would if
that were the thing. I don't have all the answers! In fact, I'm
gonna downgrade it to only 33% of things I have answers to! I know some
people are a "Grower and not a Shower," but are some people, "Showers but
not a grower?" That sounds amusing to me vaguely for some reason.
The important point to make is I have no insight on human sexuality so don't
take anything I say to heart. I know some people have big hearts,
metaphorically, and that's a good thing. Well, for the heart, I'm a
grower, not a shower. Most of the time, no heart. The right
situation? That shit'll grow two sizes over.
Wonderful. Joe Biden doing very well in preliminary
polls in Iowa. His appeal is Hey Remember Obama? I'm kind of like
him! I was friends with him for 8 years, after all! So, great,
good luck to him. I thought of this pun before the 2008 election even
happened, but running as a VP candidate, Joe was just Biden his time.
And it came to fruition. And Mike Pence represents all the
pent up anger of all of us. Ok that one makes not a lot of sense.
I can't think of one thing Mike Pence has ever done. I know VP is largely
a ceremonial position (I learned it from the trailer for the movie Vice),
but, c'mon. He's a completely blank slate. Other than being a
repressed weirdo. Cool! What paragraph is Next Paragraph. The
next paragraph is 11. Wonderful! Got a few books that I still need
to get to reading. Of this last round of books I got, I started with the
Brian Posehn book, which was a bad move. I'm halfway through but have no
motivation to finish it. And I'm not gonna start a new book without
finishing this one like a sociopath. I set a precedent where I start
reading books and don't finish them, where's that gonna end up?! It's
entertaining to read-- it really is-- but it's a book about nothing. Just
can't pick it up.
I wonder if Brian will continue to have strong feelings
about Star Wars! Anyway. What else is going on. Also, he's
tall, and that contributed to his nerdiness. I'm short, and that
contributed to my social awkwardness. Totally different situation!
I can't relate to tall people. Hey you're tall you've got the world by
the balls what's the Hell is your problem. Microsoft FrontPage doesn't
recognize neither nerdiness nor nerdyness as a word.
There should be a movie The Pursuit of Nerdyness to tell us how not
to spell it. That's my hot take on current events. Anyway. I'm
thinking about getting back into wearing Contact Lenses. I didn't need
glasses until high school, and even then, it was only for distance. So I
never really got used to being a Glasses Guy. Several years later, needed
'em. Wore contacts.
Somewhere along the line, got tired of wearing contacts, just
switched to glasses. Figured, I got no social life, what difference
does it make, just go for the easier option. And then I got used to
being a Glasses Wearer. Found some glasses I liked how they looked (And
they helped me look to a degree I liked!), and settled in. Now, maybe it's
time to mix it up. Contact Lenses cost a lot of money, though. Is it
worth it? I don't know. I don't have some sort of abstract worth
calculator. Not yet, maybe one day, but for now I don't! Jeez.
What paragraph are we into now. The end of the 12th. Wonderful.
Anyway. Gotta start working on Writing Sample for MFA
Application. I can do that. I have a track record of Doing Things
I've Had To Do in the past for the most part, so no reason to think this'll be
any different. Apparently Trump is getting us out of wars. I think
that's great. I don't know the War Situations too well, but my instinct is
Hey Less People Getting Killed Especially In Conflicts Not Directly Related To
Us Is Probably Good Right? So, yeah, great. My Dinner just
arrived. Two slizzles of pizza, one with garlic, one with mushroom.
Put that shit in the oven for 25 minutes to get it hot. That's how I roll.
Also, yeah, I'm the type of guy whose gonna say slizzles
every now and then. It's just a big part of who I am. What else is
going on. Lately, when I get two slices of pizza for dinner, I save about
1/3rd of one slice, eat that shit later. That's also the type of guy who I
am and is a big part of who I am. Great! Lately I've been eating
anything I can even remotely eat with a fork (and sometimes and a knife) with a
fork. Donut? Fork. Softish cookie? Fork! Pizza?
You know that's a fork. Just makes the meal last longer. I'll
be honest, though, I have mixed feelings about it. They say take smaller
bites, it takes longer to eat, it makes you feel fuller. I think, for me,
it's the opposite, though. I take smaller bites, my brain doesn't even
register that I'm eating. It takes longer to eat, but the whole time I
don't even realize I've been eating. However, if I take bigger bites, I
swallow those big bites down, I know for sure that I'm eating.
But I'll do what they say to do because they know best most
of the time. Anyway. Here's probably the most obsessive thing I do
regarding eating and counting calories and the like-- I take a tape measure and
check the radius of cookies and other
foods. To estimate their ultimate calorie content by cross-referencing
with the internet for other sized cookies and the like. Important
equation to know is
You may think, hmm, this is the calorie amount for a 4 inch cookie, this
cookie is 8 inches, twice as much calories. Wrong! Gotta do
Also, I'm not measuring the radius, give me some credit. I measure the
diameter and cut it in half. Give Me Some Credit!
What the Hell paragraph are we into now. 16th.
And I haven't even eaten dinner yet. Wonderful. I don't know, the
way I'm feeling, I can see this entry going 30 paragraphs. Mostly based
on how much alcohol I have left. That's one of the key variables in
determining Entry Length. Also, nothing else to do. Finished
re-watching Oz, then I finished re-watching The Wire. Even started
watching Netflix on my computer. Lots of stuff to watch on Netflix, but I
don't like watching stuff on my computer. It seems like a corruption of
the natural order of things. I get that a lot of people don't even have
TVs and watch stuff on their computer. Well, I have a TV! I'm not
gonna watch stuff on my computer! I feel very strongly about this.
Ramble Ramble Ramble. Gives you a good impression of
what I'm like, though. Just constant rambling. Well, not really.
My head-thoughts are relatively ramble-free. But writing these entries
gives me an opportunity to get out all the rambling I wish I was doing
inside my head. So, sure, great. I also had to stop watching things
on television because when browsing On Demand movies or TV, they stopped
showing in text whatever the thing is called. They only show the picture,
which presumably says the title in it, but my TV is small and old and messed up
so I can't read the pictures. I can browse and browse till my heart's
content, but I can't see the titles of what I'm browsing. So, really, I
can't do anything.
Wow. Cool. Just ate dinner. Had some
sort of mental crash, now I don't know if I can actually write 30 paragraphs.
We'll find out for some reason. Christmas is coming up. I spend that
shit with my extended family. I think that's a positive thing to do.
Am I having a blast while it happens? No. But in general is it nice?
Sure, I guess. Get off my case about it! I don't have to
explain myself to you. My favorite part about holidays is that I'm like
Okay gonna eat the full 2000 calories for today, let's have some fun.
At least in the last 8 months I've been dieting. This is the third
holiday that applies to. For a hard and fast rule, not a lot of
applications in the past. Halloween, sure, let's eat some candy.
Thanksgiving? Let's overeat some Thanksgiving food. And I feel like
Christmas qualifies, too. Let's just overeat in general.
Wow. Cool. Wonderful. Figure at this rate,
I'll be done dieting in 2-3 months. Then, holy crap, 2000 calories every
day! Let's go nuts. Drink some fuckin' coffee coolattas and whatnot,
who cares. Anyway. Been a full year since I finished college.
Feel like I've accomplished a fair amount in that time. Did a lot of open
mics-- found out I have no career in music. Wrote a lot of entries-- found
out I was adequate enough at writing bullshit. Lost some weight--
lost some weight. Now, it's onto bigger and better things. What will
2019 bring. I'm guessing More Bullshit. Crap! I
already did Bullshit. More Bullshit just sounds repetitive.
What paragraph are we into now. 20th.
Wonderful. There's too much time in the day when you don't take any half
hour walks. You mean I gotta occupy myself from 11 AM to 12 PM NONSTOP?
What the Hell am I supposed to do with all that time?!? More Bullshit
is my best guess. Starting to get back into just idly playing guitar.
Long period of time I just didn't pick it up at all. Now I'll noodle
around and whatnot while I'm doin' something else, I feel like that's gotta be a
good thing. Got one song, musically, I've been idly working on. So
that's good, great. It's mostly just D Minor for the verse with varying
bass notes, and then a weird C# into D and then an A into Am thing for the
chorus. That settles that.
I have nothing to look forward to. 11 PM used to be a
big number for me, it's when The Daily Show would start, and then after 2010,
when Conan would start. Now there is neither. There's still the
Daily Show. I just don't watch it anymore. Maybe I should,
then I'd know how center-left people are thinking. Also, it's Friday--
neither were/are on Fridays anyway. So that throws everything into the
toilet in terms of being relevant here. I kind of know how Center-Left
people are thinking. They're thinking like I'm thinking but more to the
center. I consider myself Center-Left-Left. Of the left of the left,
I'm in the center. Not a full blown Socialist, but pretty much in favor of
whatever incremental progress they're in favor of.
And that's the bottom line. 22nd paragraph. Let's
get it going. Opened up some poker to keep my brain semi-occupied.
Semi-Occupy My Brain. That's a center-left-left position to
take. Congressional Democrats not making a committee to make a Green New
Deal. Great. It's a binary thing, really. They've had several
opportunities to choose between Moderate Policies and Progressive Policies and
they've always gone Moderate. So, gotta look at it like that.
They've made it clear what their priorities are. Wonderful, let's Green
New Deal with that. YYou know, like, 'Let's Deal With That,' but
I put in the words 'Green New.' Let's Green New Deal With That.
At least it looks like New York is gonna legalize Marijuana. That's a
Green New Deal! Wonderful.
Legalizing marijuana is a pretty good place to start,
though. More people smoke marijuana, the more it expands their minds, the
more they think creatively and intuitively about things, the more liberal they
become. Because Liberal is the right way to think. So the better you
think, the more smart you become, the more correct your politics becomes, the
more powerful that political movement becomes. That's my thinking.
Anyway, what else. However, Climate Change is an even better place to
start, because We Need To Do It Now. Any other policy, maybe we get
it right now, maybe we don't, but in the future we'll get there. Climate Change?
Now or never. And that's not to minimize anything else. Like,
healthcare. What good does it do you if we get universal health care in
2040? No good, you're still screwed for now. But we can't decide to
get Fighting Climate Change right later, it's kind of now or never.
What bullshit rambling. Anyway, what else is going on.
24th paragraph. We're in the 20's of paragraphs, get off my back and
whatnot about it being entertaining or clearly thought out or whatnot.
Jeez. My fuckin' pop tart came apart in the toaster this morning.
Now there's chocolate fudge stuck in the bottom of the toaster. What did I
do to deserve this. I don't like this entry because, not only am I not
being funny, I'm rambling unsmartly. Can't even think of a better word
for, "Unsmartly." Such is life. Maybe legalizing marijuana is a
bad thing because it encourages us all to collectively think as if we were
high and ramble on unsmartly. That's my best guess this paragraph.
Anyway. Lemme take a breath. I can get back into
thinking ununsmartly if I just take a goddamn breath. I have nothing to
look forward to. Maybe I should just wrap my mind around that for a
minute. How'm I supposed to write 6 paragraphs with nothing to look
forward to? Without looking forward to something, I'm stuck in the
moment! The crappy moment! This one, right now! It's not going
great is my feeling! Ok, next moment. Whew. Alright now
WAIT A SECOND THIS MOMENT SUCKS TOO. Ok that moment wasn't really
that bad, let's keep it going. I'm not sure if today sucks because
marijuana is being legalized or because no green new deal or because my pop tart
came apart in the toaster or because I didn't take any walks or because I'm
losing in poker or because I'm drinking and writing an entry or because I
checked my weight and I still don't know it or because it's winter now or
because I have nothing to look forward to or because I can't browse things on my
TV or because Christmas is coming or because I'm still getting used to being 30
or because... can't think of anything else which would explain it.
Wonderful. It's a Winter Wonderland! I
don't know. OR BECAUSE I GOTTA FINISH BRIAN POSEHN'S BOOK.
Fucking practical joke, that book is. Fuckin' gotta read it and I hate it
so much. Alright this might be the last paragraph. I just can't make
it to 30. I can't. What can I do for the rest of the night.
Drink some more till I finish what I've got. Might as well, right?
Worry about this crappy entry and think about it in the big scheme of things as
a sign that what's to come, both creatively and in life, ain't so promising.
Listen to some music and pretends it means something. I don't know.
If only I could write 30 paragraphs, that would prove to myself and everyone
around me that I can make the best of a bad situation. Yeah, it's a
crappy entry, but look how long it is!
27th paragraph. That's 3 to the third power.
I remember from last entry. So I guess that's a good paragraph to end on.
Jeez. Whatta downer. Fuckin' stupid The Wire fuckin' stupid nonsense
fifth season. Fakin' a cereal killer, ARE YOU FOR REAL. Ha,
'cereal killer.' I don't know. I don't know... if I write
three more paragraphs after this, it will be 30 paragraphs overall.
That's something to be happy about, right? And, also, theoretically, I may
make up some lost ground in those paragraphs in terms of being more on point or
funny or entertaining or insightful. That's a lot of
possibilities. The odds are strongly against any of those adjectives being
achieved, but there's a lot of positive adjectives that might be
achieved-- that increases the probability at least one will be achieved!
I like those odds! Oh-- one more "OR" in
terms of why today sucks-- "Or" I gotta write the fuckin' writing sample for MFA
Application. I don't know how to write good! What do you take me
for, some kind of writer? How dare you and whatnot. I can
watch one of my DVDS. I already know what DVDs I have, so browsing isn't a
problem. Ghost World. Only seen that three or four times in
my life and it's a good movie. The re-watch value for that, considering
those two variables, not too bad. Eh I don't wanna watch Ghost World.
Ghost Town, maybe. That's Ricky Gervais and Greg Kinnear at their
best! I don't have Ghost Town on DVD. Thank God.
I don't know what the Hell. Kinda waiting to lose all my poker money.
Dwindling at around 3 dollars right now. Let's just lose it and get it
29th paragraph. Great great great. At least when
tonight is over I can look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow's possibilities
are endless. The best part about tomorrow is all the crap that happened
and that I'm going through today is already over! Took care of it today!
Tomorrow all that crap is dunzo. Legalizing marijuana, though, I don't
know. Probably will feel the urge to try it again. Some relaxing
strain as opposed to stimulating. Last few times I've done it over the
years I didn't like it, though. So, we'll see. I like the idea of
eating a pot brownie but that's mostly because I like the idea of eating a
brownie. Ghost World.
I don't know. Made it to 30 paragraphs.
That means something, right? A paragraph for each year I've been alive.
30-- that's the amount of stories in The Wayside School. Floors, I mean,
by stories. Actually, there's 29. It's missing one of the
floor-stories. I forget which one. I kinda feel like a 30 floor
building. Breezing in the wind and whatnot. Actually,
That's what skyscrapers do, right? They're designed so that really
high buildings sorta breeze back and forth or something. I'm not making
this up. I could be thinking of bridges or something. I have no
idea. My brain hurts. One bonus paragraph.
If you made it to this paragraph... sorry.
Anyway. And the crappy thing is, I look forward to writing these
entries all week! Like, it's not always at the forefront of my mind, but
it's a routine that keeps me going. And now it's the pits. I don't
think I'll ever recover from this entry. I had a good run of 6 and a half
years of incrementally making progress, and now, disaster. And I can't
even watch Ghost Town! That's the pits! I was reading one of these
bullshit personality tests that tells you your personality based on which body
part you wash first when taking a shower. Or bath. I still don't
know my personality because it's different for me when taking a bath than when
taking a shower. Oh well, one day the internet will let me know what my
I look forward to that day. Another bonus
paragraph? Sure, why not. I also hate how there's all this stuff
I could watch on Netflix that's just out of reach because I don't want to watch
it on my computer. I also hate you. Sorry.
Didn't mean to lash out like that. I'm not myself today. Maybe I
should shave off my eye lashes to lose weight. I'm full of good ideas.
If the entry never ends, I never have to come to terms with how bad the entry
was. Because there is no was. It still is. And
while it is, you can't properly describe it, can still change! Who
knows, the next six sentences might be amazing, redeeming all of it! Is
the entry redeemed, or am I redeemed. Or both. Or neither. Has this
been six sentences yet? No, only four. Well, now it's six.
33rd paragraph. That's like 3 to the third power
even more than the actual 3 to the 3rd power! No it isn't.
Yeah but I had you going there for a minute! Alright, down to 35
cents in poker. That should end that. And, in turn, that
should end this. Cool! Well, no more poker.
Hmm. What am I doing here. Writing an entry. Oh.. Oh No.
OH NO. what HAVE i BEEN doing. THIS is NOT fit FOR human
CONSUMPTION. i've BEEN lending MY good NAME to THIS nonsense? I
apologize ON behalf OF all OF me EVERYWHERE. Alright. Gonna
have to write another bonus paragraph now that my head's right, that goes
I don't know. No. I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not! No way!
NOTE-- I WAS RE-READING THE ENTRY AND THIS MADE ME LAUGH HARDER AT MYSELF
THAN I HAVE IN A WHILE...
I can't think of one thing Mike Pence has ever
done. ... .... He's a completely blank slate. Other than being a
THE ONE ACTUAL JOKE IN THE ENTRY AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE...
Friday, December 14, 2018
I'll Trade You An Entry For You Having To Read The Entry
Do it! It's a good deal! Anyway,
hello party people. Been two weeks since the last entry-- let's see if I
still got it. I don't think I still have it. Must have lost
it in the wash or something. I've probably done my own laundry a dozen,
maybe two dozen times in my life. All while dorming at NYU. And,
even then, I went through streaks of coming home every two weeks to get my
laundry done. I remember doing that, but I don't really remember
the huge hassle it must have been to carry a book bag with my laptop and other
assortables in addition to carrying all my laundry. I vaguely remember
it-- sure!-- but-- wait, hold up. Assortables isn't a word?
Halloween candy has been lying to me!
Paragraph. I attended the Creative Writing MFA
Open House at Queens College. Really drank up all the kool-aid they were
selling. Bought into the selectivity and prestegiousness and the value of
the program, hook line and perhaps even sinker. What's the sinker.
I know the hook and line part of fishing-- not the sinker. Is it the part
that sinks? That's my best guess. But, yeah, I'm applying to
that-- applying hardcore! Of the 8 or so full time teachers in the
program, two of them are teachers I had as an Undergrad! And they agreed
to write me letters of recommendations! Which I assume they will address
to themselves. Anyway. The Program is as real as I make it.
Just like AA. Also-- be on the lookout for my new self-help book/scam--
The Program. It's about unlocking the secrets to your success through
programming. I don't have all the details-- not for free!
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org for
more information on The Program.
But, yeah, that's become a real thing in terms of
thinking about my semi-immediate future. Doin' this MFA. No
guarentee I get in, but, sure, I'll fantasize about my life taking that
direction, why not. Any direction to imagine your life taking is fun.
I can have a future as a heroin addict and I'd think, wow! I get
several months of really enjoying something! Or I can die in three
months. And I'd think, Wow! I get to really appreciate the next
three months, what with knowing I'm gonna die and whatnot. Really tie up
all my loose ends. Also, get to see what happens after you die!
Don't worry, I won't tell! Also, a third thing, one would imagine.
I think if I said "An Heroin Addict," instead of, "A Heroin Addict," it
would reflect goodly on my character. Pretentious people use, "An," before
words with starting with an H even if the H is pronounced-- I've Seen 'Em
Anyway, what was I talking about. Oh, right-- need to
get a Creative Writing MFA so I can finally write The Program. They have
different tracks for Creative Writing MFA -- Poetry, Prose, Playwriting... and
this year they're introducing a new one! Creative Non-Fiction. I
think that's great! I'm gonna go for that! What else is going on!
If you're a beginning member, subscribing to The Program, you just get a
copy of TV Guide Magazine once a month. If you're willing to pay a little
extra, though... Can't tell you the Next Level Program! Gotta
Earn It! I feel like 2/3rds of the sentences so far in this entry have
ended with an exclamation point & mark. Can't argue with a feeling!
It's deep inside my heart where nobody can touch it.
How far in advance do television networks plan their
schedules. Gotta be at least a week, I feel. And how much thought is
put into it? Do they just have algorithms to figure it out, or does it
require a personal touch? TV Programming is more of an art than a science,
some might say. And forget, "Oh, we have this new show, we're gonna put it
on 8 PM on Wednesdays." I could give a crap about that. I'm talking
about We have the rights to show That 70's Show in syndication-- let's put it
on from 11 AM to 3 PM. That's a good future career path to think
about. Someone's gotta do it, and if I write my Senior Thesis on The
Program, I'd say that's good experience for TV Programming, right?
Anyway. Friday Night Entry. Felt like doin' this,
combined with drinking... now. Yup! Sixth paragraph.
Wonderful. My birthday occurred. I'm now in my 30's. That's
gonna last a decade. Then, onto my 40's. I'll be 40 in the same
amount of time it took me to get from 20 to where I am now. Crap!
Apparently the infestation of flies we've had in my house, which I believe I've
alluded to before, turns out they're actually bees! I should have known
from the three or four times I've been stung. Instead, I just thought,
man, something really sharp on the side of these flies. The word
alluded-- does that mean referred to something factually and definitively-- or
does it mean sort of like implied or insinuated. Also, does insinuated
mean referred to something factually and definitely-- or does it sort of mean
like implied or alluded. Let's check Internet.
Alluded -- hint at. Not mention definitively.
Insinuated --also hint at. So what the hell means I Referred To It
Definitively? Man oh man am I in desperate need of this Creative Writing
Program. Creative Writing, that's like writing in Comic Sans,
right? Or Wingdings, if you're a third year student? I can't
think of a single occasion where I or anyone else actually had a use for
Wingdings. Did they make it up themselves, Computer People? Or were
there some Creative Writers a century ago that came up with this system for fun
and Computer People decided to use it. I can see some eccentric writers in
the 1940's coming up with Wingdings. I can see lots of stuff.
What else. Eighth paragraph. I was looking at
my old computer, browsing documents to see if I had anything I could pad my
Creative Writing Writing Sample with, and I came across a document, and it took
me four paragraphs to realize it wasn't me rambling and actually just the
beginning of Catcher In The Rye. I mean, sure, in the first paragraph, I
came across phrases like, "Madman Stuff," but I thought it was just me doing a
loving homage. Once it got to, "Pencey Prep," I realized, oh, I was
just manically typing Catcher In The Rye for some reason. So, great, I
got that going for me. On the one hand, that seems like psychotic
behavior, but on the other hand, I've read about writers who type their favorite
writers' entire books to get into the rhythm of it. So, the point is, I'm
a great writer. Not manic at all!
Cool. I read Trump is a speed freak. Crushing
Adderalls and snorting them type of thing. Trump rhymes with Bump.
So, based on that, I'd say it makes sense. I guess that's a good name for
a street Product that'll get ya going-- the Trump Bump. It sure as Hell
won't ever mean something that increased in popularity due to Trump supporting
or calling attention to it-- that guy's got the approval rating of Dirt!
Dirt is great, you can grow stuff in it. Good thing, too, because a
lot of people have dirt on Trump! Not Manic At All! Jeeeeeeez.
Let's all collectively take a breath. What else is going on. 30
years old. There you have it. Democratic Candidates for Presidents
starting to be a thing. I think I'm gonna take an outside-in approach to
figuring out who to support. First I'll figure out who I don't
support and take it from there.
So far, I'm at I Don't Support Beto O' Rourke.
Think he's very charismatic, very smart, very likable due to his music
background-- but not a progressive. Maybe as a VP I can tolerate him.
President? Let's get the best we can get, progressively. That's not
him. Of course, he can run as a progressive, trick people into supporting
him, and then when he's president, we can all act surprised when he's a
moderate. That's certainly one way for us to go. Anyway, what else.
Who else don't I support. Castro! I don't know enough about
him, therefore, I do not support him. Seems like a progressive based on
what I've read-- don't know anything about him! Why should I support
someone I don't know anything about when there are so many people I know
a little about still out there? Makes no sense!
So we've eliminated candidates from Texas. One
state down, 49 to go. I don't support this military guy Ojeda. He
was a Trump supporter in 2016. What else needs to be said. OOh,
Trump let us down, he wasn't what I thought he would be. Anyone with
that kind of judgment is supremely disqualified from me supporting them.
Michael Avenatti already said he wasn't gonna run. Good-- I wasn't gonna
support him! This is easy! What else is going on. 11th
paragraph. That should definitely be a running feature of Crazysheet--
slowly narrowing down who I support in the Democratic Candidate in 2020 field.
Cross people out instead of picking one guy or gal at the beginning. You
can read more about it in The Program: Democracy Edition.
What else. Edition? This isn't a board game.
Although maybe it is a board game. Let's ask ourselves, what
do we really know about The Program? Maybe it is
a board game. What else is going on. I have a DVD of SCTV,
and I watched some for the first time since I got it in 2005, and wow it's
actually great. I knew it was highly regarded by my favorite comedios,
but now I really get it. So many sketches are just insanely weird and the
jokes aren't obvious or anything, they're just weird. So I got that
going for me. Anyway, without joking, the real way we gotta approach the
Democratic Primary, I believe, is summed up in the adage, Show, Don't Tell.
We have the Congress, we have some governorships and whatnot and so on. If
you're running, do whatever you can do in your capacity to actually advance what
you're running on, don't just talk about it. That's gotta be the standard.
Talk is cheap.
Glad we settled that. I guess. 13th paragraph.
Seems like 20-25 is within reach. Now, let's get busy. On Facebook,
I got 2 Happy Birthdays on the day of my birthday, and one belated Happy
Birthday the following day. No joke-- I got more Happy Birthdays from
Doctors. Either in person (2) [not on the exact day of], on the phone (1--
happened to be talking to a receptionist to schedule an appointment, she said it
then), and in the mail (1). The point is now I know who my real friends
are. The one making money off of my misery. Doctors make
money off of our misery, right? No one seems to care when they're doctors.
But if they're dealing us heroin, suddenly they're the bad guy!
Doesn't seem right.
Doctors deal us heroin. That's what The Opioid
Crisis is. Pick up a newspaper much? I didn't think that ya'
do! Microsoft FrontPage doesn't recognize, "Opioid," as a word.
Get into the 21st century much? I don't think that ya' do! The point
is if you're addicted to pain medication you more than anyone needs The Program.
I can't explain why, or how it might help you-- just take my word for it.
And prove to me you're taking my word for it by sending me money!
That's how I know you're for real! What else is going on. 14th
paragraph. Whatta joke. Gotta write some Creative Non-Fiction for my
Writing Sample. I've got three or four pages of a Creative Non-Fiction
story I wrote in the past I can use for part of it. Now it's time to write
I figured out a good way to get the ideas flowing. As
part of my research into my old computer looking for crap, I came across
multiple very long documents where it's me talking to myself in three voices.
Mike, Michael, and Mikist. Just dialogue between the three. And
I figure I'll start doing that again to flesh out something to write about, and
think about it smartly and intuitively and creatively and whatnot. Sounds
like a good idea to me. Just, you know, Mike goes "What should I write
about," and Michael responds, and then Mikist tops that, and the conversation
just keeps going until I know what to write and how to write it. I
don't see you suggesting any better ideas.
Actually, I don't see you at all! How do I even
know you're there. Just operating on blind faith at this point is all.
I'm finally ready to deposit some money onto Poker, but suddenly they're not
accepting money from credit cards. Or, more accurately, credit cards are
not allowing you to deposit money there. I guess they decided Foreign
Poker Websites aren't always on the up-and-up. So, now we play the waiting
game, waiting for them to change their mind. I can deposit money with
BitCoin, but what do I look like, some kind of rube?! Not likely!!
I'm only gonna deposit my money onto a gambling website where the odds are
rigged against you with a credit card, like a fiscally responsible person
I can tell I'm not gonna be 100% happy with what the
Democratic House prioritizes in 2019 based on the surveys they send me every
week asking me what I prioritize. One way to know is that the
options are very clearly phrased in such ways that they pretty much explicitly
take stuff I would like off the table, even though many of their new members ran
on it (Medicare For All-- instead, they ask if you would prioritize protecting
Obamacare, etc.) Or they're absent from the list completely.
Stupid surveys, telling us what to think! That's the
opposite of what surveys are supposed to do! What paragraph are we
into now. 17th. That means the next paragraph is the 18th.
I crunched the numbers and everything.
Cool! Anyway. This entry was fun because it
felt like a manic episode. I haven't had one of those in a while!
Especially since they changed my diagnosis from Manic/Depressive to something
else. Stopped being manic so as to appease those Misery Merchants. I
guess it has to do with turning 30, somehow. I feel like I really don't
like it and it's in the back of my mind somehow. Anyway. Didn't
really do much for my birthday. I don't even get presents or anything
anymore. Any cash gift I get from anywhere, I just give straight to my
parents, cause they pay for my everything. Might as well just kick up
whatever income I have to them, it's only fair. What paragraph are we in.
19th. I guess 25 is within reach. It would mean 6 more, I guess I
can do that.
Cool! Jeez. This is definitely a, "Mikist,"
entry. Just feels like, of those three choices, Mikist is
definitely at the wheel for this one. Not passing judgment, not saying
it's good or bad (Probably Bad-- this parenthetical was brought to you by
Michael). Whatever. Variety is the spice of life. Also,
pepper. That shits versatile! Stopped checking my weight every day.
I was fed up with dieting and not losing any weight, so I decided, I'll just
still diet the same amount, just stop checking my weight. Maybe in a month
when I check I'll be pleasantly surprised. So that's how that might
go. Either way, it's down to about roughly 10 pounds left to lose.
Got that saggy stomach, though. Whatta jip!!!
Jip is a word that exists for some reason. Things can
be a jip, but what is a jip? I'd like to find out someday. The
internet says, in Ireland, "Jip," means semen. Whatta jip.
Whatta semen. I guess that makes sense. I'll have to think about it
some more. Eventually I'll figure out a way to have it make sense to me, I
guess. Actual internet response for my context-- Jip means rob, because
it's short for gypsies-- who rob people, I guess. Whatta jip, as in,
"I was robbed of that experience or whatever," in context. Because of
Gypsies. That's actually a funnier explanation than I was expecting.
Good On Ya, Universe!
22nd paragraph. Does that mean Whatta Jip
should be politically incorrect? Honestly-- Yes, Yes It Does.
You heard it here first! Wonderful. Always a pleasure to provide
some sort of social service. Three and a half paragraphs to go. I
can do that for some reason. If I do get into Creative Writing MFA
program, I'm most likely gonna dorm at Queens College for the duration.
Part of it is, especially with Creative Non-Fiction, to write about your life,
ya gotta have a life. And I'd need to commit 100% to the whole idea of the
thing, if I really want to get the most I can out of it. And I just don't
think it'd work if I take a class, get home, dick around with my parents and
talk about desserts, and then go up to my room. It can only work if we
skip the dicking around with my parents! Wrong mindset otherwise!
That settles that. And, to be honest, that's, I don't
know, 50-75% of the appeal to me. Whatever. Gotta do something!
What else is going on. It's hard to measure exactly, because the increase
in social life would partly be due to dorming, partly due to the program itself.
And the social life boost would be a combination of the two. So, great,
that settles that. 2 and a half paragraphs to go. Whatta jip.
Sorry. Any gypsies who are reading this are gonna be pissed
off. I guess now we should change the phrase to What a Jpeg.
Because it's like Take a picture it'll last longer! Unless
if it's Instagram. That would last a little longer, but not long
enough, all things considered.
Wow! Penultimate paragraph. How long have I been
writing this. Roughly an hour and a half. The time just flies by
when you're having a manic episode. I read the ownership is changing in
the place I've been doing Open Mics. Oh well. I actually
semi-belonged to a community for over a year!, that's the good news. But
now that community is in jeopardy. Good thing I stopped going there
for at least the last month due to repeated Fucking Ups While I Was Performing.
I assume the situation is like in a movie, where people will have to break dance
competition a way to convince the new ownership to maintain the open mics.
Something like that. I'm manic, I can't figure out a better way to
phrase that joke!
Last paragraph. What in the world. I can't
wait to lie down and listen to music and chill the fuck out. I
promise next entry will be a little bit more subdued. I feel comfortable
making that promise because I'm gonna get a new TV Guide through my The Program
program this weekend and I'm confident that'll get me through the next few days.
I'm halfway through Brian Posehn's Forever Nerdy and I feel like it's as
if someone said to me write a book in the tone of crazysheet, with even less
insightfulness and humor. I still like it-- it's a refreshing change
from books that aren't bullshit! It's fun to read and whatnot.
But, still, it's like, This Is A Book? I guess that's what he was
going for. So good on him! One Bonus Paragraph!
That could literally fit in with the end of a chapter in the
book. Him just going One Bonus Paragraph! and then there's an extra
paragraph. That's the book. I actually don't totally relate because
I'm not much of a nerd, myself. Comedy nerd, maybe. Music? Not
really-- my taste isn't eclectic and/or refined enough. Anything else?
Nope. There are many other negative words to describe what kind of guy I
am, but nerd doesn't really cover it for the most part. So, sure, I got
that going for me I guess. Like-- Star Wars and/or Star Trek? Nope!
Don't like either. Horror stuff, maybe. But everything I'm vaguely
nerdy about is pretty mainstream. I'm not into any deep cuts or anything.
So, sure. One more bonus paragraph.
It's 27 overall! Good number! 9 x 3! 3 to
the third power, even. 33. Fun! I may think
being 30 is bad, but imagine being 31. OH SHIT AND THEN IM 32.
I do not like where this is headed at all. I'm more of a geek than a
nerd. I'm vaguely smart and socially awkward. It's basically
being a nerd, but with the extreme enthusiasm for some subset of culture absent.
What else is going on. I don't know. Also, as a child/teenager, it
was never a thing to dread being called a nerd. I was in the gifted
program through 8th grade, and went to a specialized high school. All my
peers must have been geeks and nerds, so I never had to endure people making fun
of me for it. So, great, sure. I don't know! I'll end this
entry now. Later!
Saturday, December 1, 2018
You Make Me Feel Like a New Title
Hey! I was going through some stuff and
I came across an old notepad from when I was in high school, 80% song lyrics,
20% miscellanea. It's actually kind of brilliant in its simplicity.
They would make the most generic emo lyrics, but as a relic of a high school's
feelings, man, it's great! If I ever become a successful musician or
something, it would be like the greatest thing to buy at an auction as a piece
of memorabilia or something. It would be what I want to have to
remember me. So that made me pretty happy! Happy enough to
lead off an entry with it! So happy now! Anyway it's Saturday night.
How about that shit!
What's new in life. Not a lot! George Herbert
Walker Bush died. Or, as he was known for the last 5 years of his life,
Walker Bush. Dude was in a wheelchair.
Nailed it. What else is going on. I feel like I should get
some sort of prize for that joke. Anyway. Was thinking about
going to see that new Exorcism movie tonight as an excuse to drink, but instead
decided to write a new entry tonight... as an excuse to drink. I went to
the dentist a few days ago and they were real impressed with my teeth.
They said could tell I've been brushing more! So I decided to throw a
party to celebrate my dental success and no one came, but that's okay! I
still got the teeth!
Hmm. Priests are supposed to get 3-5 hours of
exorcising every week. Hmm. I'm gonna turn to a random page of my
notepad to give you a taste of what's in there. Let's go-- "I'm still
dreaming/don't think that's a good thing." "It's way too hard/and way too
confusing/I almost gave up/I almost tried losing." Random page! Dig
that. My Facebook birthday is coming up (which happens to correspond with
my actual birthday, it turns out), and it proposed to me to set up a charity
drive, and it would donate 2 dollars to the proposed charity if I did.
Now, that seems like a no brainer. 2 free dollars for a charity. But
the humiliation of no one donating to it is worth much more than negative
2 dollars to me. Also, what charity would I donate towards? I don't
know. Maybe the Release The Twins Foundation.
I heard that in a commercial for a Teen Movie somewhere a
long time ago and haven't been updated on that situation yet. Did they
ever release the twins? Who knows for sure. I've been re-watching Oz
lately. It resonates with me because I spend 23 hours a day isolated in a
small room, too. Except, I get to watch Oz! They didn't.
They were in it. Can't watch something you're in. Although they do
get HBO later on in the series. Presubably to watch some Fake Show that
the imaginary version of the HBO network has as a stand in for Oz.
It was one of their key shows at the time, so if we're accepting that HBO exists
in this universe, that would require a fantasy show to take Oz's place.
I remember being titillated as a pre-teen by the existence of
a show called Sex And The City. The show's got the word Sex
in it! Titillating. I consider it a marker of growing from a
boy to a man in originally finding The Crypt Keeper horrifying, and now finding
him adorable. That's the progression of becoming a man in my generation, I
guess. What paragraph are we into in this mediocre crap of an entry.
Fifth. Great. Could be a shorter entry than usual. We'll
find out! I was a shorter High Schooler than usual. Hence the Emo-ness.
I'm a shorter Adult, now, though. Hah! Fuck You! Adult!
Doesn't seem to bother me as much now that I have real problems. I
remember, as an exercise in what I believe was Sophomore High School Health
Class, we were given 10 things that people prioritize in life, and rank them
from most important to least important to us. I don't think we had to hand
it in, just as an exercise. For example (1) Being Happy, (2) Compatible
Significant Other, (3) Wealth, etc. I remember putting last Supporting
Your Family. Now, it'd probably be first or second.
To be fair, I honestly misinterpreted it at the time.
My Family? My parents support themselves, they don't need me!
This is going in last. Didn't put together that it meant my
future family. Like, my compatible significant other and my kids.
And my number one priority was Being Happy. The reasoning being, well,
if everything else is going right, I'd be happy. Being happy encompasses
everything. Kind of a childish way to look at things, but keep in
mind-- I was a child. There were also two separate options for significant
other-- compatible significant other and attractive significant other. I
think I put compatible 2nd most important, possibly 3rd, and attractive as 5th,
possibly 6th. In retrospect, kind of superficial to rank Attractive
Significant Other ahead of half of these Life Defining Qualities.
Also in retrospect, eh, who cares if you
have a compatible significant other. Make some kids and get on with your
life. You've got Being Happy to worry about! I was just a
hopeless romantic, I guess. Now, I'm just hopeless! Progress.
Seventh paragraph. I just checked Facebook and they don't allow Trump
Organization as one of their sponsored charities. That would be a good
gag. No it wouldn't. Yeah but it's a good gag to suggest it
on my website. Cause it's like, Imagine if you donated to the Trump
Organization. What might that be like. Hmm. Should we look
at another random page of my Notepad? I think so!-- "Why can't anyone
really give a fuck/why can't I have a bit of luck/why can't things be the way
they seem to be/everything good turns out to be just a dream/I wanna go back, so
I lie down and sleep/I wanna go back, so I'll die and sleep." These are
just random pages, folks! Not sure if that's "Die" or just "Lie" again
in that last line. Probably lie, though. Looks like Lie, even though
there's a mark on the bottom left of the letter, and Die seems a little out of
character for me.
Eighth paragraph! I may have been Emo, but I was
not Goth. Die is goth, Lie is emo. That seems like a good general
rule to follow. Anyway, jeez. Not the funniest entry, not the most
creative entry, but some good stuff so far, anyway. And Pie is eating
disorder. I don't think I've ever-- ever-- had a piece of pie.
Not once. I'm generally not a fan of fruit based desserts, and most pie is
fruit based. Why bother? Chocolate Pie, sounds okay to me, the
situation just never arose. Pizza Pie, sure. But that's different.
Real Different! Jeez. Halfway through the entry if I go for 15,
which seems like the most likely thing at this point. Great!
New paragraph, new opportunity to start fresh and get into
some goofballs and funnybones. I like those industrial sized bottles of
mouth wash they got at the dentist. Where can I get me one of those.
You know, to use. For lube. Hmm. I went to a bakery on
my walk today and picked up some cookies and a cupcake for my family. Made
me feel great, Supporting My Family (10) and whatnot. That's pretty much
the greatest way I've matured-- I now value Supporting My Family much more than
I did 14 years ago. Ironically, I am now in a much worse
position to support any future family than I was 15 years ago. Cause
of Mental Health and whatnot. And falling off the education/vocational
track that I was still On Track At 15 years ago. And now am very much
playing catch up.
Queens College is holding an Open House specifically for
their Creative Writing MFA on Wednesday, so I'ma check that out. Hopefully
I'm the only one who shows up and I do some hobnobbin' with the
administrators/teachers there. Really shine their shoes, if you know what
I mean. Polish their glasses. Get on the good side of their pants.
Anyway, what else. 10th paragraph. One of the teachers I had a few
years ago in Under Grad had graduated from the Grad program like 5 years
previous. If that's my future, pass. I'm not gonna be a
teacher! My rationale being that it's not fair to the students with me
being Mental Health Problematic, and all. And with my real reason being
I don't care about people enough to help them develop into adults.
11th paragraph! But that's perfect for a teacher,
though. Don't help them become adults. Just treat 'em like they are
adults. But still, who cares. I don't know. Rewarding Career
was another of the Top 10 Priorities To Have, I think. Sort of like the
equivalent to Compatible Significant Other as compared to the Wealth's
equivalent of Attractive Significant Other. Doesn't line up exactly, but
you get the idea. Job I Like was probably my 3rd highest priority, maybe
4th. I don't know what job I was imagining at the time. I think at
that point I was past my Screenwriter phase and not deluded enough yet to be in
my Music Guy phase, yet. Maybe comedian, probably. And being a
teacher as a back-up was probably in the back of my mind, which I probably would
have associated with Rewarding because of my subconscious respect for my father,
who was/is a teacher.
12th paragraph. Cool! I wonder if other people
had a similar reaction to me when reading about George HW Bush dying which was
that, in 1/4th of a second, I processed that a president had died, and then in
another 1/2 of a second, I was like Oh it wasn't Trump. I'm not
gonna say I was hoping Trump had died-- in fact, my knee jerk reaction wasn't
that, believe it or not. However, my measured opinion reaction to Trump
dying would probably be positive. It would start off as oh someone
died, too bad, but when I'd given myself some time to think about it, I'd be
like, well, this is good for the Earth. I'm entitled to my own
thoughts. Especially cause I make puns with the word, "Title," a lot.
That makes me Entitled to pretty much anything I desire.
Hmm. Trump dying wouldn't necessarily be good in the
short term, though. I think I'd react with Oh Shit Things Are About To
Get Nuts. But they're nuts with him or without him, so c'est la vie.
Que Sera Sera. June Is Busting Out All Over. There was part of an
episode of Oz where they're in the cafeteria and an inmate goes to someone
serving lunch, also an inmate, and is like, yo get me a chocolate bar,
and the guy goes, okay, and just goes to a backroom to get the guy a
chocolate bar. WHAT THE FUCK? You can just get chocolate bars
whenever the fuck you want?! I want to go to prison! Anyway, what
else. I would have thought the only way to get chocolate bars in prison
was to snack one in through your butt crack. And, then, how would you know
if it's a chocolate bar or a piece of shit? You'd have to have a great
memory to pull something out of your ass and be able to if it's candy or
Hmmmmmmm. A great analogy for writing these entries.
14th paragraph. At this point, maybe go for 20, let's go nuts! Will
re-evaluate after the next two paragraphs are over. New SNL in a few
hours. I like watching that! Similar to how I was talking about
liking watching Movies In Theatre last entry. Sort of a Cultural Shared
Experience Moment, watching SNL. Trippy! Why U Think I Wanted To
Drink? Anyway, I don't know. Also, it's funny! I don't
care what anyone says! What have people been saying. I don't
know, the regular stuff! I have a recurring dream where I'm hosting an
episode of SNL but then it turns out they never aired it and were just doing it
to humor me. And then when I think back on it within the dream, I do
realize, actually, I don't remember them writing or performing any sketches,
either. They just had me stand on the stage and pretend to introduce an
episode for two minutes. I don't even remember an audience.
Recurring dream. At least three or four times.
Also, it may go without saying, but I never have anything to promote in the
dream, either. I also had a dream last night where I was coming up with
several new songs, and they were flowing easily in the dream, but alas, didn't
remember any of it when I awoke. That's also happened before. And
it's the opposite of how I write songs in real life. I just usually
combine disjointed lyrics and disjointed chords and disjointed melodies in real
life as a Frankensteinesque creation. Whereas, in dreams, it just flows in
my mind from one line to the next, forming a complete song in one piece,
effortlessly. Seems a lot easier that way, to be honest. What else.
15th paragraph! 5 more seems like it'll hit the spot. Then I could
have a desert I got at the bakery which fulfills both Making Me Happy and also a
Compatible Significant Other. Dessert can count as a Compatible
Significant Other, right? Assuming the desserts compatible.
Yeah! I don't know. There is still a part of me
that would rank Being Happy as my number one life goal. I know on one
level it's selfish, but on another level, what do I care, I'm happy, in
essence, that's what we want. Everything else to make us feel good about
ourselves, just to make us feel happy. It's an interesting
philosophical question I guess. Not that interesting. But it
is a philosophical question, though. A pretty standard one, at that.
You can't take that away from me! I don't know. Thinking about
putting money on poker. I've gone a whole six months or so without putting
money on poker, with the reasoning that I Always Lose It and It Makes Me
Stressed Out To Do So, but also, hey I get to play with real money!
We'll see. That could be a good Charity for people to donate to on my
Cool! 17th paragraph. Am I gonna have time to
sneak in an episode of Oz before SNL? I can't wait to find out!
Well, finding out is no fun. I can't wait to either Do It or Not Do It.
Either way, it's fun. But the act of finding out, in and of itself, meh.
Cool! I guess. I think I'm getting back into Being In School
mindset. Sort of letting Moving Forward In Life go on the back burner.
Not so much because of actually considering going back to school next fall, but
because of the more concrete and tangible idea of Actually Going Back To Campus
Next Week for the open house. Anyway. Trying to think of a way I can
justify Dorming if I do go back to Grad School. I can commute there in 30
minutes, but man oh man would it be nice to live in a place where my parents
don't live. And even being around people close to my own age! Man.
What a dream.
Anyway. On the other hand, what I'm gonna go back to
school for the next four years? Four years being the three years it
takes to complete grad school and the nine months I have before it starts.
Jeez. Not to mention, for a worthless degree that won't help me in the
least to actually potentially make a living doing something creative.
Well, might help me a little. I'd say it raises the odds Some Amount Of
Percent. Doesn't guarantee it or anything, though. Oh well.
18th paragraph? Yes, yes it is. This entry is a good representation
of Getting Back Into School-like Mindset. Just bullshit with a little bit
less of a priority to make it funny. That's school for ya! My Mom
bought me a new fancy sweater, and I never wear sweaters, but I tried it on, and
I was like, ya know, I might wear this sweater.
True Story. And by Fancy Sweater, I
mean: it's a sweater. The Mets on the verge of making a big trade.
At first I was against it, then I was for it, then I was against it again, then
I decided who cares, then I decided I care but am okay either way. Another
aspect, though, is reading the responses from Mets fans on Twitter, and thinking
about the ownership of the Mets who are cheapskates compared to what they make
from the franchise-- I hate Mets Fans and the ownership.
Why the Hell am I a Met Fan? For the most part, I don't relate to the
other fans, and don't like the way the team is run. It makes absolutely no
sense to support this team. But I'm pot-committed at this point, though.
Oh well. Such is life.
Cause they be close to what where I live and was born.
Anyway. And they have a more underdog aesthetic, and a more working class
aesthetic, compared to the Yankees. But the owner is still a Republican
Jerkoff and the fans are still Jerkoffs so who cares about the generic idea
of the team if it has no basis in reality. I do-- pot committed and
whatnot. Anyway. What paragraph are we into. 20th!
Amazing. Probably go over 20, but not gonna pot commit myself to 25.
Stop saying pot commit. If you insist. Anyway. Of course,
you could take it a step further, and go why follow baseball at all.
Well, cause I like baseball. Nothin' wrong with liking baseball.
But you should pick what organization to root for based on stuff other than
location, though. That's The Future Of Following Sports!
So what baseball team should I support. Well,
The Mets are making this trade with the Seattle Mariners, and they're doing well
in the trade. Maybe I'll support them. I like Seattle.
Yeah but their team ain't so great. I like Seattle. I've
given myself a lot to think about. 21st paragraph. The Seattle
Mariners may not be great, but Seattle is. I think I'm just gonna become a
fan of the city Seattle. Nothin' to do with sports, just start rooting for
Seattle, Washington. In general. That makes me feel good. No, not
the Seattle Generals. Washington was a General. Hence the Washington
Generals I've given myself a lot to think about. Anyway,
jeez. This entry was fun! For me. Not so much for you.
Also, when I'm done, I'm gonna feel bad about it, cause of its rambling and
non-funny nature. But I've been having a blast while it's going on!
Sure I've been drinking, what of it.
22nd paragraph. I don't know. One thing that
I've always carried with me since writing crazysheet and song lyrics and
anything since high school, is quantity is a great substitute for quality.
Quality is hard to control. You either got it or you don't at any given
time. Anyone can do quantity at any time. Just keep
writing! So, great, I don't know, what else. I wonder if the girl
in this movie I'm not seeing gets exorcised correctly. Sometimes they
do, sometimes they don't. Sometimes there's a mixed result like in The
Exorcist where the girl is saved but the exorcist dies. Spoiler alert.
It's been out for 43 years. Spoiler Alert. People can find
out the release year of the movie on IMDB. Spoiler alert.
People know about IMDB and what they can find out on there.
Hmm. 3 paragraphs to go most likely. I think
a shirt that says Spoiler Alert! would be a real cute top for a baby.
Cause the baby is gonna spoil your marriage and life as it grows up potentially.
Let's get some laughs out of that, I say. I don't know. What in the
world. I've been planning to try to quit smoking after I'm done dieting,
but I'm losing weight really slowly, so that keeps being pushed back. Oh
well. Such is life. Apparently I've got Smoker's Tongue. My
dental hygienist didn't call it that, but she said it's slightly discolored due
to smoking. Apparently, once you quit, it goes away. No matter how
long you've been smoking. So, great, I got that going for me!
Although it could be a sign of future oral cancer. That's not good.
24th paragraph! What the what. Absolutely Zero
work on my pilot the last week. I thought about it a little! Not in
terms of thinking about it creatively and constructively. More in terms of
man I wish I could finish this just for the sake of it. Why God Why Won't
You Let Me Finish This! That sort of thing. I really should add
the word, "gonna," to my Microsoft Front Page dictionary. I've gotten in
the good habit of going over entries to check for any misspelled words, and
gonna shows up all the time every entry. Might as well make it official
that I consider it a word. Maybe later. I'll keep you updated on
this situation as it progresses.
Last paragraph probably. Wow. Whatta clunker.
Seems like one of those entries where I say a bunch of crap, then I re-read it
in a few days, and come to the realization that there's no jokes and all the
non-jokes are both non-interesting and have been said before in previous
entries. That's the worst when that happens. Clunkers that have
already clunked. That's exponential clunking! How I loathe it. What
else is going on. Looks like I've got an hour to watch Oz before SNL.
Such is life. I really don't like watching Oz that much. But,
Pot Committed. So much of being an adult is being pot committed to things,
it turns out. Anyway, still gonna go for one bonus paragraph.
I don't know why-- it hurts to stop. Jeez. First
entry of December. First day of December! I'd put my money on
a total of four entries this month, all together. 2nd bet would be on
three entries, third bet would be on five. Fourth bet two. Fifth bet
more than 5. Sixth bet 1. Covered all the bases there.
Anyway. Actually, can I switch Sixth and Fifth Bets? Please
say yes. Please. What else is going on. Actually, if
there's one bet that encompasses Anything More Than Five, lemme re-think this
entire situation. Jesus Christ Lets Stop. Alright I turned on an
episode of Oz. Just to make ending this entry Feel More Real. So,
yeah, great. What a bullshit wonderful Saturday Night. See ya all
some other time.