Friday, May 31, 2019
The Month Is Over
Well, not yet. But real soon! And
maybe Yet in some parts of the world! I don't know if other parts of the
world are a day ahead or a day behind or maybe there's so much variation of time
zones across the land that there's a place a day behind and a day ahead!
Although that would contradict every vaguely-logical assumption I have about how
things works! Yep, 24 time zones. That's what I woulda guessed.
It seems to make sense based on there being 24 hours in a day, but I don't know,
maybe its just a great coincidence! I don't have the time to research it
any further! I need to eat Lunch #1 of 2! Hey that's a good
idea I'm gonna go set that up and bring it upstairs and eat that shit while
writing some paragraphs ya heard.
I'm having a meal I alluded to last entry, yet never ended up
having. Sin-a-min Raisin' [The Devil] Bagel + some locks. If
you're sinning every minute you'll be raising... bagels... too. Bagels
are a Jewish thing and I'm under the impression that Fine People think the devil
may or may not be Jewish. So I guess this lunch #1 of 2 has given us a lot
to think about. One thing that would be interesting is if Bernie Sanders
is running against Trump, how exactly is Trump gonna use his anti-Jew dog
whistle. Obviously it would be constantly in play, but hows he gonna go
about utilizing that. Maybe something like him going at rallies, "BERRNNNNIEE,
I like Bernie." Something about pronouncing his name is a
certain way that's sort of accentuating to his followers that he's Jewish.
How does saying the name, "Bernie," imply Jewish?
What are you some sort of idiot who doesn't know how the world works? Get
a clue you moron. I was going through my Random Notes Daily notebook to
see if I had any save-em-ups over the past week. Not really. Most
notable Save-em-up that hasn't already worked its way into my comedy class
and/or this website was just a track listing of Potential Future Album To Work
On. I mean, 10 really good titles. That I would be proud to
create some day if I feel like it for some reason. Oh, well, I also have a
dozen stuff I wrote potentially for comedy class that were dismissed as
soon as I finished writing them. For example, this was written I believe
before the first class even started-- Stand up? More like sit down!
And shut up!
Its relevant because I'm bad at stand up and it isn't
even quite stand up and I've been doing a lot of walking and standing so I
should sit down at this point and also shut up? sure why not I'm open to
suggestions. Jeez. Oh, here's an idea for Trump--
Berrrnnnnie. I like him, but he doesn't share our values. He's a
globalist and a socialist. You know what I call him? a... wait, I
got this... what's a good funny portmanteau of globalist and socialist... FUCK
everyone stay calm I'm almost there... [this is Trump talking to his rally
audience, not me talking to you]... ok, he's a Socialist, a Globalist, and
remember, he's Jewish too, can't forget that he's Jewish...
Maybe I've been all wrong about Trump. It's not
easy being Trump, its hard! He's gotta come up with a portmanteau of
Socialist and Globalist and no one is gonna do it for him. I like how
Microsoft FrontPage doesn't even accept globalist as a word. Good for
them. Because it's not a real thing. It's just what Nazi's say
non-(white)-nationalists are. I had to put, "White," in parenthesis
because presumably there's the equivalent of white nationalists in
non-white-majority countries where their values are similar and also probably
rail against so-called, "Globalists." It's not because in America there's
a distinction between a Nationalist and a White Nationalist. I was just
thinking globally. FUCH AM I A GLOBALIST??!?!
Here's a moment that made me feel bad yesterday morning.
I was at Starbucks, and a nice lady who works the register and I see every day
was like off on your way to work? And I said, nope... I'm in
school, don't have it today though. I'm not in school, unless you
wanna be generous and count comedy class. I just didn't wanna say Nope!
Got absolutely nothing going on! See ya tomorrow! I can't decide
if its a sign of pathological lying (because, objectively, it wasn't necessary
at all), or a white lie (because, maybe in this case, it just feels more
comfortable for both of us to believe in this fantasy world where I'm in school
But Not Yesterday).
Cool! If Trump was president in 1941, when Japan
attacked Pearl Harbor, he'd be like Well, let them have Hawaii.
Obviously they want it more than we do! If you know what I mean!
Emperor Hirohito is a good guy and they'll take good care of Hawaii. Also,
globalists trying to get us into war in the European Theater? Fake news!
I wish those two insights were incorrect. But they probably aren't.
And that's even being generous in assuming he wouldn't be explicitly on the
fascists' side and rather just wanted to remain uncommitted. I'm letting
him have that even though it's not a given at all. Actually, In Fact,
I'm not gonna give him that. He would see Hitler and Mussolini
and immediately go I want in on that action! Of course he would.
Anyway, what else is going on. Eighth paragraph
already. Almost done with Bagel. Cracked open a can of beer which
I'm about 1/3rd done with. Figure I'll take a walk soon, dunno if it'll be
after this paragraph or if I'll make it to 10. Probably after the 10th
paragraph at the latest, though. Did you know the term Hero
comes from Emperor Hirohito because he was such a great guy?
Probably not because it's totally incorrect and no one would ever believe for
even half a second that its even possible its accurate. Ben Folds "Hiro's
Song," is based on Emperor Hirohito, though. That's just a fact.
I guess I'll write one more paragraph, take a walk, be back here recharged and
ready to go!
But first I just committed myself to writing one more
paragraph for some reason. No one is really sure why. Now that I'm
doing my 5 minutes on my mental illness, I was thinking about other prolonged
bits I can do about my life, preferably embarrassing stuff. Here's what I
came up with, in no particular order-- (1) mental illness, (2) losing my
virginity, (3) periods of extreme drug use, (4) obsessing over girls, (5)
offshoot of mental illness where I talk about being hospitalized, (6) ... all
I got so far. But I basically learned I can do an entire One Man Show
about my life-problems. Wait hasn't that sort of thing been done by a
lot of people to no success at actually being entertaining or leading to some
better job? yeah but When It's Me It's Great! I dunno.
Ugh, may as well write the 10th paragraph, then take a walk.
Not sure what I'm gonna do for Lunch #2 of 2. Right now thinking about
makin' 4 of those 45 calorie hot dogs, pair that with 2 pieces of 70 calorie
slices of bread, see where that takes me. Maybe add some of those PopChips.
They're like potato chips but presumably were air-popped or something which
makes it healthy! Great! I don't know. I was the last person
to go up last Comedy Class, where I did the stuff on my mental illness for the
first time, and then we were all on the elevator after class to leave and I was
like I feel awkward now and a lady was like why because we know your
mental illness and I and I was like no because elevators make me
uncomfortable yes because now you know a bit about my mental illnesses.
Except minus the stuff about elevators making me uncomfortable. I just
thought of that right now! It was just that well now these people have
a much better idea of my crap than most people I interact with.
Uncomfortable! See ya soon. Hmm. Maybe it was
because elevators make me uncomfortable. Now that I think about it.
I usually don't care about people knowing crap about me. But elevators?
We're all stuck in that small space? Yeah now that I think about it
it was definitely the elevator.
I think the DSA should change their name to
The Socialist Network. Okay I wrote that before I even left for my walk
but I really am gonna go take that walk now.
Put Me In Coach
That was one of the 10 song titles.
I like it because it means a lot of different things, which is the hallmark of a
good song title. Anyway, maybe not have a full fledged lunch #2 today,
instead have a few hopefully healthyish snacks. I take it on a day-by-day
basis! That's life in a nutshell. Sometimes you have 2 lunches,
sometimes you have 1 lunch and a bunch of snacks, sometimes you have 1 lunch and
drink a lot. Those are the only three options in life. Choose
wisely. No pressure, but what you do during the middle of your day can
make or break your day! Especially considering for many adults that's
when they work/accomplish tings/get paid. But, for me, the extent of my
midday productivity is gotta maximize the enjoyment I get out of lunches.
That's my number one priority these days.
Great! Got my Mom a box of cereal from Supermarket on
my walk. Wait, never mind that's the extent of my productivity!
I actually did a small favor for another person! Now we're talking a
very well-spent midday. Anyway, what else is going on. Put Me
In Coach doesn't mean that many different things. Have you
thought about it meaning Put Me In Couch because I want to be inside of a
couch? Cause it's only one letter off, you know. Oh I see now
yeah that really pads the amount of meanings it could have. Told ya!
What else is going on. 12th paragraph I guess. Poker been going okay
in the sense that I'm at a respectable bankroll but negatively in that I
Still Can't Fuckin' Stop. Oh well, gotta be addicted to something.
The last few months, maybe years, it's been gambling. Gotta obsess over
something and there aren't any girls around!
I don't have any jokes about that. But I could come up
with some! It seems like it would be relevant in a One Man Show about My
Life and The Different Ways I'm Weird And Whatnot. Hey I can see a movie
this weekend. Lots of decent choices! Looks like Rocketman is the
best choice. Which I assume is a reboot of that Harland Williams
movie. Alright ordered a ticket for tomorrow afternoon. See,
look, this afternoon just got even more productive! I set up plans
for tomorrow! Man I'm knocking all these tasks out of the park.
Oh No I bought the ticket but I haven't gotten the e-mail back with the
special code I need to show them to scan it to get into the movie. Did I
enter in the wrong e-mail?!?! What do I do now?! Save me Rocketman!
Oh there it is. Never mind.
Anyway, 14th paragraph. Figure going for 20 is the
thing to do. I get that Elton John is a legit rock star, but probably
based on being born when I was, being part of my specific generation (you know--
my specific popular music generation), I always thought of him more as a
Piano Star. Like, he's got half a dozen or a dozen great classic
songs, but I always thought of it more singer-songwritery than rock.
Although I guess that distinction isn't always clear or have to be made in the
first place and maybe he's the one who sort of took rock into that
singer-songwritery direction. Who knows! Maybe seeing the movie will
clear things up for me! Only one way to find out! Watch it!
Then use my brain to analyze and process what I just watched! Then come to
logical conclusions based on that raw data I just consumed! Then write a
thesis about it and hope I get into a good grad school with it!
I'm pretty much pot committed to going back to school now
based on my interaction with that Starbucks Lady. Such is life, I guess.
Hey, this morning was pretty productive, too! I set the ball rolling
to start school again. Ugh. 15th paragraph! I don't
know. Maybe call it quits after this paragraph. Maybe not. So
many choices. Two. Well, there's one choice.
There's one choice of which there are two options. Two choices, that
implies okay there's the choice of whether to call it quits after this
paragraph, and I guess Some Other Choice about something we're not aware
of yet. So, just to recap-- one choice, two options.
That Was The Best Title I Had
And now its gone! And, for what?
This website? Whatta waste! Anyway, just got can of beer #2 of 2.
That should do it for today, alcoholwise. Keeping track of how much gum
I'm chewing today so I can better estimate it moving forward. Right now,
chewing pieces number 16 and 17. That's a lot of gum by 1:34 P.M.
Gotta chew something, right?? That's my hypothesis. I remember once
I had a wisdom tooth removed and they numbed one side of my mouth and I
literally chewed my gum to the point where by the time the
Novocain wore off that part of my gums was all distorted. True story!
Cautionary Tale, too! You may be abusing your body just because its numb
at the time so you feel no pain however once feeling returns you may have
permanently damaged yourself!
So look out for that, kids! Anyway, 17th paragraph.
What, now suddenly my imagined audience is kids? No, I mean like,
younger adults! Like my age but maybe a little bit younger! I'm
using the phrase kids colloquially. Get off my back about it!
If I'm ever gonna be The New Monkees I need to get acquainted with writing for a
younger audience. That's simply the hard facts about the entertainment
industry. I assume. I consume a lot of entertainment so I think that
leaves me uniquely qualified to comment on the behind-the-scenes of the industry
as a whole. I don't know. I want this entry to end even more than
you do. Adults.
Hey old timers, those last few sentences were for you!
Hope you enjoyed 'em! What else is going on. In goes numbers
18 and 19. Pieces of gum. Not paragraphs. Although oddly
enough that would be accurate as well. Whattado when this entry is over.
Hah. Put Me in Couch. Genius. When I was a kid, lets say
ages 8-12 roughly, routinely would sleep on the couch. In what my family
referred to as our den. You might call it a living room. Not
us! We called it a den. We also have a living room-- not used
for anything. Really big room-- as big as our den and kitchen combined.
Not used for anything. We've got furniture and stuff, sure, but it's
pretty much just for show.
Anyway, watch TV all night, fall asleep on the couch.
My brother, too. On the one hand that doesn't seem healthy for a kid, but
on the other hand, I turned out okay! As long as I don't have to be in any
elevators for prolonged periods of time, I'll be okay! One and a half
paragraphs to go. I don't believe it! But the evidence is
insurmountable. So I guess I'll believe it even if it goes against
every fiber of my being. The funniest thing about going to sleep on the
couch is it was one of those couches that you can unfold and it becomes a
makeshift bed. But we never did that. Went to sleep on it
regularly, neither of us ever bothered to transform it into a bed. Oh, now
that I think about it, I think it was broken. And that's why we didn't
adjust it. Because that part of it was messed up or something. Great.
Sure my brother and I slept together when we were kids. That's just
what brothers do!
What else is going on. This is the last paragraph.
Thank God. I can go lie in bed and listen to music or something.
Hopefully even fall asleep and take a nap for an hour or two in an ideal world.
I'm trying to get into that routine. I get up insanely early, like around
6 AM, so I'm trying to get into taking naps around mid-afternoon. It's fun
but it's a lot of hard work but I think I'm making progress so I'll just have to
see how that goes ya heard. So, anyway, that'll do it for May. See
ya next month.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
May Deserves Another Entry
That is, if months could deserve things.
Had comedy class #4 of 6 last night. Because I wasn't coming up with
anything good, I decided to just go for it and talk about my mental illness.
Some of it was the stuff I came up with before the class even started a a
potential introduction. Then other stuff I came up with over the last 48
hours. And it went over great! I think. Who knows what
percentage of what these jerks are saying is genuine and what isn't. And
what percentage of it is stuff they personally enjoyed and what percentage of it
is GroupThink and we're all giving comments based on how we think other
people would like it. But I got the best comments I've gotten so far
so great, sure, I got that going for me.
Basically feel like I should do that stuff for the show the
class culminates in. I guess I feel okay with that. Use the last 2
classes to come up with more on that topic, polish what I have, seems like a
logical way for me to conclude this class and thus this period of my life.
Make myself feel awkward based on the futile hope it will help other people
find me entertaining. That's the life of a Creativeo, I guess.
Anyway. Went to the supermarket today to actually get my groceries for the
week. I went with my Dad, but because of his impending hip surgery, I
needed to take care of getting my own stuff and pushing my own carriage because
90% of it is 2 liter bottles of soda which can get pretty heavy. Heavy,
there's that word again, is the carbonation soda in the future out of whack
chemically making soda weigh more?!?!
Probably, I don't know. Obviously there's a billion
plot holes in the Back To The Future franchise-- because time travel isn't
possible-- certainly not in the way its presented in the movie-- but for some
reason, the one that always really bothered me was the plot line of Old Biff
giving Young Biff the sports almanac which let him always bet on the winner of
Sports, and then you see in that alternate 1985 Biff had got national attention
for his unprecedented winning streak. Wouldn't that begin to somewhat
slightly effect some of the things he's betting on? Like, he's gonna be
betting on a world series game 7. The players in that game might know who
he's betting for, and that would change their play! Even if they don't
know for sure who he's betting on, once Biff's success becomes known, it
would influence every game thereafter, and obviously a single at bat being
different in a game would change everything. And, obviously, a
pitcher/catcher tandem, knowing ok this guy is right all the time, that's
gonna get inside their head and cause them to go through an entirely different
Again, I'm not 100% sure why this very specific thing stood
out to me as a plot hole. Oh well, live and learn, am I right? I
consider it a real missed opportunity if at the end of Back To The Future III,
well, close to the end, when they're still in the Old West, that some lady
should be talking to her daughter and goes Clint Eastwood, what a nice name.
If you ever have a son or maybe a grandson, name him that! It's like a
call back to a line of dialogue at the end of the first BIITF, and this
franchise loves call backs, so why not? Anyway, fourth paragraph,
ate lunch #1 during it, will take a Walking Break after the 5th paragraph.
Very rare day where I haven't had any iced coffee this late in the day.
Went to the supermarket instead! So I got that to look forward to on my
walk is the point.
Hmm. Lunch #2 gonna be a cinnamon raisin bagel w/ a bit
of lox. I just hope doing crap about mental illness isn't sort of leaning
into Pete Davidson's lane a bit. Doing random jokes that are relevant to
the day and location that I'm doing them, that's great, totally individual
stuff. I mean, its stuff anyone could come up with, but its not in
anyone's lane, because it's okay for anyone to go in that direction if
that's what their talents allow. Just doing routines about being mentally
ill to an extent most people can't 100% relate-- I don't know-- not only does it
not feel like it's authentically who I am and I'm worried it comes off as if
it's a routine and persona I'm trying to sell to people, but it isn't
even exactly the kind of thing I even really want to do in the first
place! But also, one thing I do want to do is do whatever
everyone else is telling me to do. And right now, it's do the mental
illness stuff! Taking a walk now. I'll Be Back!
Ask And Ye Shall Receive
So I had asked God for the ability to write
parody songs a few days ago, and this is what came back-- All in all you're
just another dick with no balls. Not a full song, but hey, gotta start
somewhere! I don't like it. Weird Al knows that parody songs
are supposed to make us feel good. Calling me a dick with no balls?
How dare you, God! That doesn't make me feel good at all. Could
be, "Prick," with no balls. Same idea but just a smidge less insulting.
I asked Teacher before class what open mics she would recommend. She
recommended None. Don't do open mics. Pointless. You won't
learn anything. I'm pot committed to listening to her and respecting
her advice, and for the most part she definitely seems to be on the ball and
know what she's doing. But that piece of advice seems to go against
everything I've ever heard ever about getting into doing comedy. On the
other hand, I love this advice because Hey I don't have to do
anything! That's a relief!
Somehow there's this other avenue into Comedy World that
doesn't involve hard work, enduring demeaning situations, and lots of time
sacrificed! Whew. Well, her advice actually doesn't
bypass those things completely. I got the sense that the way to start,
according to her, is doing those bringer shows where you get to go up in a
respected and populated club by getting people to come to your/other people's
shows. So you'd still have to do hard work, endure demeaning situations,
and sacrifice a lot of time. It's just in a slightly different way than I
imagined. Awww. I liked it better when I thought it meant you
don't have to do anything to succeed!
Of course, there's my avenue, which is write nonsense
on the internet all the time for what seems like forever and now we play
the waiting game. Gotta imagine at some point someone'll come
across this and like what they see, right? It's the long con I'm running
here. Could be next week, could be in 20 years. Just keep goin' with
no definite timetable, or set of concrete goals, or even really any
imagined-yet-somewhat-realistic end-game to it at all. that's my theory of how
to achieve success. Just. Keep. Goin'. Anyway, two more
paragraphs for this 5 paragraph block of entry. Wonderful! I guess,
sure, why not.
What else is going on. I saw Mueller had a press conference
to say I Ain't Sayin' Nothin' and then he resigned. Ladies and
gentleman-- a man of impeccable principles!!! I didn't actually listen
to the press conference but I get the impression it was like Yeah Trump
probably committed some crime YOU'RE IT and then tags the Congress
and/or the American People and he runs away giggling. I think it's
very noble of Nancy Pelosi to be okay with going down in history as the person
who protected Trump from impeachment. She's a modern gal! She don't
care what Future Men And Women think! She's gonna do it Her Way!
Speaking of using the insulting term, "Gal," this is a thought I have that may
or may not be accurate, may or may not be insightful, and may or may not even
make sense. I'ma say it in the next paragraph.
You ever notice that out of a lot of people's mouths, Joe
Biden comes to mind but I can't say for sure he specifically does this,
it just seems like the kind of way he talks-- But they call Black People,
"Folks," and White Folks, "People." I can imagine politicians like
Biden going Black Folks are struggling! And then poor white folks
are are Good People who are struggling. I think there's something
linguistically there where Folks is more of a demeaning or dehumanizing term and
People is more of a respectful and humanizing term. I may be wrong about
over 100% of this, I don't know, just throwing that out there. It
could be totally reversed. However, if nothing else, it's a window
into how I misinterpret the world around me. Alright! That's what
people want more of! They wanna hear me talk about The Ways I Live And
Interpret Life Incorrectly. It's funny to them!
Michael Goes To Fart School
That's just how I would interpret it.
Politician trying to get on my good side by goin' on about my struggles.
My family and community aren't folks. We're people.
Makes sense to me. Maybe black people want to be folks.
And Joe Biden-esque politicians are being respectful by using that phrase.
I don't know! Anyway. Came up with a great title for the Great
American Novel. Great American. It's good because it makes
you think, makes ya laugh, and it seems like the sort of thing that can be
marketed by publishing companies to become a critically acclaimed and decent
selling book, right? I got the title. If we've learned anything
from crazysheet and my music projects, it's that the title is the hardest and
mainest part. Now that I've got the title Great American for a
novel, it should just write itself, right?
First idea for what the novel could be about went like
this--- When I was in high school, I was in a Fantasy Baseball league
with my friends, a multi-year league, where we kept 10 players from year to
year, its what's known as a keeper league. Anyway, for some reason
our group was titled The Great American Scream Machine. Which was
based on the name of a group I was in in middle school with some of the fantasy
baseball league members where we had a project where we had to divide into
groups, over a prolonged period of time, and build a bridge out of wood and
whatnot. And we learnt about devising a budget, designing the bridge,
building it out of wood, and all that, ultimately with the goal of competing
with the other groups in that class to have the best bridge that could hold the
most weight for the longest. We came in second but the point is one
rejected name for our group was The Great American Scream Machine. [We
ultimately went with one of two of my suggestions, I can't remember which--
either 'Five Guys & a Bridge' or 'The Broken Bridge.']
And that name (Great American Scream Machine) came
from a roller coaster at Six Flags: Great Adventure. Anyway, it's all a
roundabout way of saying my first instinct for Great American was write a
novel about either a high schooler or college person being drafted into a
professional sport-- probably baseball, because that's what I know. It
could be before the draft. It could be during the draft. It could be
after the draft! And isn't it a thing in collegial sports to be All
American? Maybe that could work into this somehow. Great
American. Anyway, the point is, sure I'm full of great ideas as long as
the impetus for the idea is based on a random thing that I've experienced at
some point in my life for some reason.
Sure, I guess. Two more paragraphs for this block.
Then presumably call it a day. Anyway. I got diet Mountain Dew from
the supermarket and its appearance is very unsettling. It's literally a
neon yellow. If I turned the lights out, I wouldn't be surprised if it
glows in the dark. That's not exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for
from my beverages. Anyway. Well, teacher and classmates were pretty
clear about me doing this mental illness stuff for the show the class culminates
in, so I'll work on it for the final 2 weeks of class, and just go with it.
Who am I to argue? Some guy? Who likes arguing things for some
reason? That's not the guy I've been presenting myself as in this class!
Maybe in Stand Up Lawyer class I'll play that part, but not here!
Last paragraph! I guess. Over 50% chance the next
entry'll be in June. That's fun. I can switch up the color scheme
again! Feels like its been forever since white font on black background.
Which I consider the standard Crazysheet format. It comes from when I was
on Xanga, which was a blogging network thing back when I was a freshman in high
school. I didn't have any friends, either in real life or even on the
internet, but I knew people who had blogs on that site. So I did.
And the format I chose back then was white courier new on a black background.
All things that have an ending have a beginning. Most things even have
a middle but you won't hear about that most places. Ugh. See ya
Monday, May 27, 2019
I'll Nighttime You!
Hey I'm involving you in the entry!
That's fun for everybody. Suddenly this is an interactive experience where
you're getting Nighttime'd or something and whatnot hey what else is going on.
Got comedy class tomorrow and I don't know what I'm gonna talk about yet.
Partly writing this entry specifically to get the creative juices flowing in the
hopes that it somehow leads to something. Also, partly writing this entry
because I'm sort of pot committed to this whole crazysheet thing.
Been doing it too long to just quit all of a sudden now! Also, it feels
like there's a lot of positive momentum for me in the doing of Crazysheet.
In general, I feel like as time goes on, it gets better and/or more worthwhile
personally and/or becomes necessary by default as it is the only remaining thing
in life that I can do that's somewhat productive. Finished school.
Quit smoking, lost weight, got in better shape, quit drinking for the most
part... all that's left of Productivity is Crazysheet.
Dangit I hate it when that happens! At the very
least, I'm trying to come up with some one-off jokes I can tell tomorrow that I
already have written. So far, got (1) Calling people slow/quick for being
stupid/smart should be flipped. Which was a riff I did here a couple
months ago. Gotta go back in time to see how that one went exactly, but if
I remember it as well as I think I'm remembering it, there might be a laugh or
two in there as strange as that sounds. (2) That's all I thought of so
far that's why I came back to crazysheet. I was gonna browse the last
few months in completion to find some jokes, however, I can't will myself to do
it. Dunno if its the time it would take to comb through all this crap for
actual jokes, or if I subconsciously just don't really wanna know what
the Hell I've been up to... Anyway I'm gonna take a break from
exposition to eat dinner soon, then take a walk, then come back here and write
the entry as it should be written. See ya soon!
I'll Nighttime Y... Oh I Already Said That
Nevermind! Saw BookSmart yesterday.
One of the girls was named Book and the other one was named Smart. I
forget which one was which.
Most Of My Experience Is In Titling
Anyway now I'm really back from eating
dinner and then taking a walk during which I was pretty sure I shat myself and I
waddled my way to the Starbucks Bathroom and Guess What Friends False Alarm!
So the point is everything's coming up roses. The point is this is more or
less the third paragraph and the most logical assumption is that I'm gonna be
aiming for 10 as of now for some reason. Tomorrow is class #4 of 6.
Starting to think of it less in terms of what can I put into this
class and more in terms of what can I get out of this class.
I mostly already figured out what the class is all about. I came up
with some jokes and sorta figured out who I am in relation to the rest of these
outcasts and misfits. Now its time to start thinking well okay the
class went the way it did now how am I gonna utilize what I learned or the
connections I made or whatever to help me moving forward.
I get to move forward! Yes! And the
answer to that question might simply be forget it I'm not gonna be a comedian
move on with my life. But I still have to conceptualize what happened
this month and a half as something. Maybe it won't turn out to be a
pivotal moment in the narrative of The Life Of Me, but I gotta think of it
somehow one way or another or something like that, right? The point is
okay sure what else is going on. Crept back up in poker to an amount
worth withdrawing again. Crept is what bakers say when referring to what
they did when they made that pancake pastry type thing you know what I'm talkin'
With a quick wit like that, how can I not be
committed to becoming a comedian? I don't have all the answers.
I don't even have most of the answers. I don't even think I have any more
than two or three answers, maybe four, tops. And also, I don't have all of
those 4 answers at the same time. Can't hold any more than one answer at a
time. As soon as I come to a profound realization wherein One Answer
occurs to me, the Previous Answer in my brain goes away, at least temporarily.
Anyway, what paragraph are we into. Fifth! Roughly halfway there if
I write 10 paragraphs. But roughly 0% there if I'm thinking in terms of
this entry's goal being to somehow help me come up with jokes for tomorrow.
Because I've made no progress in regards to that.
I hate it when the diner I order from 5 times a week throws
in an extra cookie or something as a bonus. Today we got a jumbo black and
white. Look. I'm having a hard enough time obsessing over cookies
as it is. I don't need you wreaking havoc on my world by giving me a bonus
black and white, okay? You're not doing me a favor. You're causing
me a worldful of anxiety, self doubt, and recalibration. I got no use
for it! None! Sure, "Worldful," is a word. Wordful.
Wait. Whirlpool. That's what I was thinking of. Wonderful.
You just said a word full! Hey the world is full of
anxiety self doubt and recalibration! How about that! I feel
uniquely qualified to comment on world affairs thusly. Those are the areas
of my expertise.
I was talking to my brother earlier and he asked if I
could choose any kind of writing, any kind at all, what kind of writer would I
want to be. And I asked, with my current set of skills, or if I
could have unlimited skills and writing ability? He meant with
the current set of skills I have (although you can make room for improvement
given the passage of time and having practice, etc.) Didn't have answer
for his question, but my first instinct to answer if I had unlimited
powers was well I'd write the best novel ever. Great American Funny Novel.
Funny Novel, Great American. It's not something I'd ever think of
consciously unprompted as if it's something I wanna do, but thinking back on
that conversation, maybe that reveals something about me that I'm not really
Either that, or I'd wish for a thousand kinds of
writing jobs!!! Where's Will Smith when you need him. Ok my first
wish is to write monologue jokes. My second wish is to be able to write
comedy sketches. Third wish-- this is gonna be a surprise-- parody songs.
No, I know, I hate parody songs as much as you do and everyone else does!
They're terrible! That's why I wanna be able to do it! Do 'em
good and right! Everyone'll be on my side once my great parody songs come
about! I don't know, what else is going on. Being Funny is Novel
and I am a Great American. I feel very strongly about this. What
else is going on. Eighth paragraph. Two more after this
theoretically. Still have no clue what to do for tomorrow.
Such is life! Also, no, parody songs have nothing to do
with The New Monkees. The New Monkees have real songs that maybe when you
think about it the message may be a little amusing but they're real, good songs.
Not real good songs. But they are both real and good
at the same time and are songs as well. Also, genuine and heartfelt
yet sarcastic and acerbic. And classic and familiar yet brand new and
original at the same time. Also they're The Funny Great American Band.
What else is going on. Only one more paragraph after this one! We
did it! Well, I did. You sorta just watched. But thanks for
watching! Without imagining anyone watching, this may never have been
accomplished in the first place!
I mean, how cool would it be to be able to say you wrote
a really great novel. Doesn't get much cooler than that. That's my
opinion. Booksmart was pretty good. Obviously I'm not the target
demographic but I'm young enough to feel some sort of kinship with this younger
generation. Not that far off!!! The closest equivalent for my generation's
Coming-of-age comedy is probably Superbad, but I was a little too old for that,
too. Probably the same age as the actors, but I was like a sophomore in
college when the characters were seniors in high school. In high school, I
can't think of any movie in that genre that clicked for me. The closest
thing I can think of is Spiderman. Not really a joke there.
Spiderman was my Teenage-Coming-of-Age movie. I'm sure that didn't
influence me at all, though. Just a normal adolescence and young adulthood
for me, thanks! See ya later.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Money Don't Matter
Well, some money matters. This is more
in regards to whether I end up losing all my poker money from the last 3 or 4
months or if I ultimately withdraw an amount as high as, say, 500 dollars.
I probably averaged three or four hours a day for three months entertaining
myself, and a few hundred dollars here or there isn't as big a deal as it feels
when I'm playing. Also, hey just lost most of my poker money no big
deal I don't have to hang myself just to illustrate to my parents I take
money seriously. I think that's part of it. To me, money is kind
of an abstract concept. I understand I have some money coming in, a lot
going out, and it's just pooled with what my parents have. And I
understand that it's important because we live in a market economy so our lives
kind of revolve around it. But I think the underlining subconscious high I
get from winning money or downer I get from losing is really just this would
make my parents (or, reasonable people who understand the value of money in
general) happy for me or the opposite.
So that settles that. Man is poker stressful.
I don't want to play poker anymore! I haven't for weeks if not months!
But my parents won't let me withdraw! So I unconsciously want to lose what
I have so I can stop! Because as long as I have nothing to do all day and
there's money on poker I will keep playing it because it's an easy way to occupy
myself! So the point is if I lose all my money it's because I wanted to.
Kind of a Trumpian way of conceptualizing personal finances. Or
anything, for that matter. Oh boy he's rubbing off on me.
That's what she said.. and her, too. And then 20 more people as
well. Anyway what else is going on.
I get ~12, 13 thousand dollars a year from social security
because of my mental illness. That's Democrats for ya. Rewarding
people for being sick. As long as they're getting paid, what's their
motivation for ever getting better?!?! That's 'Moderate'
Republicans way of conceptualizing personal finances. So, when people like
Joe Biden praise moderate Republicans (and Biden even endorsed some of them over
Democrats in elections-- he did this last year!), that's the kind of attitude
they're on board with. If that's the future of the Democratic party, I'm
pretty depressed. There Sicky goes, gettin' himself mentally ill again.
Why can't he just learn to value money more? That'll solve his
Thanks for the tip. Anyway, what else is going on.
I value money. It just doesn't value me. Not sure if that
makes sense but it seems like it would in some sort of universe, right?
Anyway, what else is going on. Had 1/3rd of Sushi. Wonderful.
Fourth paragraph. Figure I'll take a walk after 5th paragraph. Get
another iced coffee. I learnt a life hack you can do at Starbucks where
you order your cold brew and you say no water and they just replace the
water with more coffee!!! It's a secret don't tell anybody. If
everyone starts doing it, they might have to raise the price of a cold brew by 1
cent, because presumably water is cheaper than coffee, and I'd have really shot
myself in the foot by sharing this with other people.
I was thinking about how when you're getting beverages from
Starbucks or whatever, or sides like French fries from fast food places, where
you're rewarded for getting things in sizes you don't really want or need.
Upgrade to a large for 20 cents. Upgrade to extra large for another 7
cents. It should be the other way around! We shouldn't be
rewarding people for consuming more than they need and putting a bigger
strain on our planet and resources! Especially when apparently there's not
enough resources to go around! There are people starving and we're
rewarding (relatively) rich people to consume more than they need or even
really want. I don't have any answers for how to address this, and
maybe its just something we have to put up with to keep things going the way
they are, but it still kinda seems like a good representation of how things
aren't quite right. Anyway, gonna take a walk. And get a Largest
Size Cold Brew. With no water. Cause I've got no real principles at
least for the next hour or two! Maybe this is a good way of
conceptualizing it-- at least in my limited knowledge of economics-- its like if
we had a reverse carbon tax. Sort of. Like, if we were
rewarding companies for drilling for more oil. Wait I think we are
doing that in some ways to some extent. But its socialism that's scary,
I think cinnamon gum is doing itself a
disservice branding itself as Red. I see the Cinnamon flavor of Trident
all the time, it's red, so I'm thinking, oh, it's gonna be like spicy sort
of. A spicy cinnamon. But no-- it's a sweetish cinnamon!
But red makes me think of it more as a spice-- which it is-- but you don't wanna
accentuate the spiciness when selling a gum. People want sweet
from gum, not spice! So don't make the freaking packages red okay?
Cause I tried a pack-- it's pretty good-- not too spicy or anything! But
you're shooting yourself in the foot by trying to sell it as a spicy alternative
to the more obviously sweet flavors. I don't care how much of an untapped
market you think, "Spicy Gum," has-- you'll sell more cinnamon gum if you make
it clear its sweet. I feel very strongly about this.
Anyway. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee
and there were two young ladies there who I found very stimulating. It's a
real turn on to see girls who aren't clearly out of my league. People who
are, let's say, in the bottom 50% of attractiveness really get me going.
And that's a large group and it doesn't mean I'm selling myself short (Although
me being short gives me a hard time selling myself!). I mean, 50%, that
means a totally average looking woman will do it for me! But
anyway, that's how I feel these days about that sort of thing. Jeez.
Also, the way I tend to value money in regards to playing poker, is that its
pretty much just a matter of pride. I win in poker, I feel good, because
it makes me feel like I'm good at something. And when I lose, I feel bad,
because it makes me feel like a sucker. And that
Being-Good-Or-Bad-At-Something isn't something meaningless like, say, being good
at writing. It's actually being good or bad at something meaningful
that regards Money! You're good at winning money in poker, that speaks
highly of your prospects for being Good At Getting Money in general!
Unlike being good at writing. Which speaks highly of
your prospects of being an antisocial dumbhead who takes himself too seriously
and is empirically of no value to society and probably has no future so probably
should consider hanging himself at this point. Eighth paragraph. I
got that going for me. I've been writing like a madman this month. I
like it! It's because I constantly need to wipe the slate clean from the
previous entry. That's my main motivating factor in writing these entries
lately. Gotta erase all evidence of how stupid I was yesterday.
But today I'm finally smart! Whew that's a relief. Maybe
that means I won't have to write again tomorr-- wait a second today's
entry wasn't so great now that I think about it.
Cool! Anyway, jeez. Maybe get Chipotle for
dinner tonight. It's fun because it has a lot of ingredients that I like--
all at once! Meat. Beans. Rice. Wow that's a lot of
stuff. I guess, sure, why not. Not as good as it once was,
though. When I first started getting Chipotle-- I got the full
burrito! Man oh man is that tortilla shell good. But then gave up
the tortilla to get the bowl. But, still, the cheese was good! Now
I've had to give up the cheese, as well. Still pretty good! But
what's next? I have to give up rice? When does the madness
end! When I ask you! When! Madness!!! Paragraph!
That's really what I want to end! The paragraph! But I feel it's
not quite there yet! But it probably will be after lets say the next
sentence! Yeah there's no motivation for this sentence to be particularly
long because I'm already committed to considering the end of this sentence as
being long enough so even if this sentence is abnormally short I've gladly
forced myself into a corner where I wouldn't mind that much!
Cool! 10th paragraph. At this point, maybe 15
would be about right, maybe? Cool. Alright placed order for
Chipotle @ 6:30-7:00. That'll show 'em, that'll show all of 'em!
Anyway, I was watching a documentary about The Price Is Right, and it wasn't the
main thrust of the documentary, but something I learnt was that when Bob Barker
went Have your pets spayed or neutered he was being serious. I
always thought it was some weird jokey thing to say, like, isn't that random,
lol... its also funny I guess because its a funny concept, taking away sexual
reproduction from a living species, makes me laugh the jokes on them lol.
But it turns out I was the only person thinking this. Everyone else
just took it at face value and that's how he meant it. Just do it,
control the dog and cat population. The whole time I thought it was just
some sort of weird inside joke between whoever's on the inside and Bob Barker.
Part III: The Thirdening
I guess. Five paragraphs to go!
Drinkin a bit of beer this afternoon. Got a pack of 18 `12 oz cans last
week and figure it'll last me about two weeks. That's affording myself a
fair amount of alcohol while still being pretty reasonable and healthy, I think.
I think I think. I think I think I think. But I can't really
remember anymore. What else is going on. What have I been
watching these days. Re-watched Extras. That's over now.
Watched a few mediocre horror movies. That's a good go-to for me but
there's only so many of them in the world. Only so many of them?
Great! There's so many of them! That's a relief I was worried there
weren't many of them! That's how language works if it feels
Cool. Whattado when this entry is over. I've
drank 2 beers. Probably gonna aim for 3. That means what I've done +
50%. Wow that's a lot! 50%, that's pretty much halfway and also the
amount of girls who are potentially in my league. Look, am I being
generous to myself by imagining that the exact average looking girl is in my
league? Possibly. But ya gotta reach for the stars in life.
Sure its a good way to dislocate your shoulders but who cares lets move on.
I don't know. This third of the entry isn't exactly writing itself.
But that's part of life, right? Sometimes you gotta put in some extra
effort if you want things to be divided neatly into thirds.
Story of my life. Still no TV. Been a year
and a half since I graduated/turned 29, whichever one it was supposed to be a
gift for. Mom tries to make me feel like an asshole every time I bring it
up and mostly succeeds. Yet I still do it relatively often because It
Feels Good To Be Right and also I Want a TV Jeez but on the other hand Stop
Making Me Feel Like An Asshole You're Succeeding In Making Me Feel Like An
Asshole Why Are You Doing That When You're The One Whose Wrong Why Should I
Suffer Doubly In Terms Of Not Having That TV I Should Have And Also Now Feeling
Like An Asshole On Top Of It?
Story of my life. Now that I think about it, I
blame TV. It's like the end of Poltergeist when they get rid of the TV
from their Hotel Room. This whole conflict is entirely because of TV.
Anyway, what else is going on. 14th paragraph. Two more to go!
Wonderful. I've been liking cream soda lately. Not that far off from
CoffeeSoda. Cream is sorta the flavor I'm enjoying from coffee, presumably
it's actually the milk in the coffee I've been enjoying now that I think about
it, if Cream Soda gives me that same kick. So the point is there's a whole
lot to unpack in that, regarding my feelings about cream/cream soda/coffee/etc,
and I'll get to it eventually, but not right now.
Last paragraph! Wonderful. Figure I'll have half
of one of those jumbo cookies when this entry is over. Only had 1 lunch
today on account of drinking beer! So half of that cookie blah blah blah
whatever. Nothing happens in life without TV. How do I know the
outside world even exists? Sure I take three walks a day and often get
coffee. So I know the world have been continuing on at a relatively normal
pace since the last time I saw TV. But beyond that, who
knows what's going on? Not me! I don't have a TV to tell me and show
me! Oh well, what can ya do, not much, right? Probably. I'm
right roughly 80% of the time. I crunched the numbers and everything!
I'll see ya'll some other time.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
What If Comedy Happened?
There's no telling how introducing comedy
to this website would shake things up! Anyway, Hi! Had class #3
of 6 last night. I'll get to talking about how that went in a minute, but
first, here's a real winner of a premise I thought of on my way home-- If,
"Malcolm X," was like, "Latinx." That's all I got so far. And
ever. Kinda doubt I'll think of any direction that could go. But,
hey, class went pretty good. Came up with some new stuff on the way to
class, thankfully. Did a short bit about walking in NYC when its extremely
crowded. I had gotten off at Penn Station around 5:30 PM and walked uptown
on Broadway for about a mile. Here's what I came up with. In
crowded situations like this, there's two kinds of people in the world-- those
who are aggressively walking into other people, and those
who are getting aggressively walked into themselves.
Then I immediately came up with the tag and the
third kind of person, who steps to the side to write down a stupid joke in his
notepad. Anyway, the bit went on. My strategy is to
find some guy really good at clearing his own path, get behind him, sorta act
like its my own private motorcade with this guy leading the way. And
then, finally, if you can get really good at forging your own path, there's a
lot of pride in being able to lead others through the path you're clearing.
It's like Hey everyone, FOLLOW ME! I'll get us through this!!
Like a) Moses leading the Israelites b) a good hearted coyote leading a
caravan c) ...didn't have a C. I had to specify, "Good hearted
coyote," because I'm under the impression they're evil for trying to help people
achieve a better life. Evil, evil stuff.
Then before class I tried out this pizzeria for dinner.
Came up with a couple of jokes there. About how, especially in NYC, in a
busy place often populated with touristy type clientele, I feel like there's
some sort of pressure to consume things in a proper New Yorker type way.
Eating pizza is a good example of this. For example, I get my pizza, I
blot it for oil. Feel like there's nothing wrong with that in the privacy of
my own home, but in this New York Pizza shop, are the other people there
like look at this pizza newbie, jerk, doesn't know how to eat authentically,
etc. Then, that feeling times ten if you're using a fork and
knife to cut up your pizza. Which I do sometimes at home, but no
way am I even gonna consider that here.
Then I finished it with something I started off here a couple
of weeks ago about the guy judging me for my pizza topping combination.
About how I go I'll have mushroom and eggplant and they roll their eyes
and go, you don't know what you're doing, fine, its your funeral.
But in Crazysheet, the tone of that was that I felt bad and they probably knew
best and I was embarrassed. When I did the bit at class, though, I was
like, Look, I know what I'm doing. Don't judge me based on my pizza
choices. So, great. Then I closed it out with some of the
Starbucks stuff, but the closing joke I didn't do here, cause I didn't think of
it until an hour before class as well. You know how you get the straw
wrapped up in paper or whatever, so you pull off the paper and use the straw
alright you get it. I couldn't rip it on my first try. I'm
holding it horizontally, trying to pull from both ends to rip it alright you
know the standard way to do it but
the point is it didn't rip on my first try. And my joke was that
there's nothing more emasculating than not being able to rip paper.
If I had to guess, I'd say the term coyote for
someone helping people find a better life wasn't their choice. It's kinda
double speak when you think about it. Coyotes: The Animals are scavengers
out for themselves preying on stranded animals, picking them off one at a time.
Migrant-Helpers take care of groups of people by aiding them in a journey or
something. Anyway, I don't know, maybe they came up with the term
themselves and I'm just wildly misinterpreting it! Jeez. Fifth
paragraph already! Eatin' lunch during this entry. Lunch #1, at
least. Cinnamon Raisin Bagel with some lox. Good stuff! I'm
having fun with it, at least.
So far, three or four days in, this diet is actually working
pretty well for me. Three ~400 cal meals, one ~650 cal meal, and a fair
amount of bonus calories allotted for snacks, indulging in a bigger meal here
and there, stuff like coffee, gum, etc. It's been sustainable, I haven't
been focusing on food that much, so, great, so far so good. Wore my
glasses to comedy class yesterday, and people seemed to agree that they make me
funnier and/or fit my persona better and/or make me some sort of hot hot sex
object. Well, they didn't quite explicitly say the last one so much,
but I feel like it was heavily implied. The point is I'm
looking forward to having sushi from the supermarket for lunch #2 and if that's
not comedy I don't know what is.
In fact, I don't know what comedy is even if that
is comedy. The point is simply I Don't Know What Comedy Is. But
it's never too late to learn! Anyway. For some reason I was having a
brief serious conversation with my Mom about possibly doing a bit about my
mental illness for comedy class, and she framed it in a way I never really
thought about. Which is that, my mental illness is a step beyond Anxiety
or Depression or ADD. It's something that, I guess, can scare some
people. I never really thought of that but it's pretty true, I guess, if
my Mom thinks it, and obviously that's her opinion of how I come off to other
people. That they might think I'm dangerous or something.
And, here's the thing, I've never been self concious
about talking about my mental illness around creative types, which is where I've
done most of my socializing the last few years. Open mics and whatnot
(and, for that matter, this website), the main audience I attract and/or care
about is other performers and writers and artists and whatnot, and I probably
rightly assume many of them have either have mental illness themselves or are at
least familiar enough with that subset of people that they're not gonna judge
you. So I could give a fig about being up front about my own problems.
But if I'm doing a comedy show to a random audience and I say hey I get
paranoid sometimes or there's the occasional voice in my head nothing
scary just neutral, generic type stuff or even just use the phrase
schitzo-effective disorder that might disturb them. Me being disturbed
disturbs other people. How ironic.
So, sure, I don't know where I'm at with that. I
feel like it would probably be really therapeutic to tackle that topic
specifically with an audience like that, but whatever. I'm not there
for therapy, I'm there to be light and breezy and un-imposingly amusing. I
already have a therapist and a psychiatrist for talk therapy. I
don't need any more therapists. Also, this website. Also,
YOUR MOM. Comedy! Yo Mama's so fat that she's very self
conscious so she's awkward socially and thus she's desperate for attention so
that she'll humor me by listening to my problems even though I'm not much of a
fun person to hang out with! I thought of a concise way to
think about Comedy Class in terms of Punnish Logic. We're all there
to humor each other. That's essentially what the class is. One
person does a few minutes of comedy to the rest of the class. Presumably
humorous. It's not really. Then we spend several
minutes telling the guy or gal how truly decent it was. That's the
humoring. Some sort of irony or punderstanding or something
going on there, I don't know.
And I'm not above that. And I buy into it as much
as everyone else! Between the rest of the students and the teacher, I see
everyone else go, get humored, feel some slight pity for them, and then I go up,
get humored, and am for the duration of the humoring am like Holy Shit I
Killed! Everyone loves me! And over the next half hour I
gradually realize, Ooop, right. That's how we're making everyone
feel and we're all buying it somehow! That being
said, most of the other people in the class are legitimately good. I mean,
not necessarily the most creative, original, or laugh out loud funny material.
But most of the other people have a really good sense of what they're trying to
do, the persona they're trying to present is working, they're really presenting
a united front with themselves, and they're funny enough. Pretty
Also, teacher doesn't seem to mind that I'm doing new stuff
each week. So that's good, too! But I figure by the last class, at
the very least, I'll be re-practicing stuff that I wanna do for the actual show
that we do. That's just being responsible, right? Probably.
11th paragraph. Figure I'll take a walk after this paragraph is done.
Normally I like to take breaks after multiples of fives, but oh well, what are
ya gonna do. I think I forgot to do the the second and third jokes
regarding crowded-sidewalk-walking when I did it for the class. Just the
first third. Oh well, what are ya gonna do. Can't do much!
Such is life. Oh, for the first two classes, I took a Klonopin before the
class started, not because I was sure I'd need it, but just sort of as a
preventative measure. But I forgot to take any with me yesterday, so I
didn't have any. And I was anxious and nervous as fuck.
But somehow I was able to get through it and they complimented me as if that was
part of my persona. Which could mean either they thought it was a front I
was putting up-- a piece of acting sort of-- or they just think that me being
anxious and nervous is an accurate representation of who I am in life 100% of
the time and is the real me. While neither is correct. So we
got that misconception of performers going for us is the point! Seems
pretty insightful. I'm guilty of having those misconceptions of
performers I admire. Be back soon.
I'm Happy With This Title
No kiddin. Back from a walk. My
Mom thinks I'm dangerous. Hah. Me? ... I'll get her for that.
ThThe point is I'm gonna have 3 sushi of the 9 individual sushis that were
provided instead of 6 through all 9 of them because I'm gonna drink some beer.
One can of light beer equals two sushis. Also, no clue how to
correctly refer to sushis. My default assumption was okay one piece is
one roll. Don't think that's right! I think the whole thing
might be one roll! Or, say, three of them is one roll! Or 6!
Pretty sure its a multiple of 3! But it's not 1 I'm pretty sure so I'm
just gonna call 1 piece of sushi A Sushi. Anyway. Main
reason I originally got contact lenses was for performing. Turns out I'm
better off with my glasses. So I guess I'll switch it up and wear glasses
for performance and wear contacts for the in-between days. Not Fridays.
I'm busy being in love then. ... ... ...Mint car.
No kiddin. The Cure must have a third
Day-Themed song. You don't get all the way to Two Big Songs about days
without getting to three, right? Rule of threes! Well, I was
right. Too right. Looked up The Cure on Wikipedia, clicked
the VERY FIRST ALBUM THEY RELEASED and it had tracks such as, "10:15 Saturday
Night," and, "Another Day." Two more day themed songs in the
first 4 tracks they have. There's no telling how many Day-Themed songs
they ended up with and I'm not even gonna bother looking into it more! I
can't spend eight more paragraphs going through song titles, and I assume, at
this rate, they must have several hundred more song titles involving days.
Anyway, what else is going on. I guess The Cure is a
Calendar. It cures you of not knowing what day it is. Alright, figured
out The Cure is a Calendar. I've previously figured out what Meatloaf
won't do for love (say the word, "Drugs"-- instead he says, "Drums" --presumably
because he doesn't want to endorse drugs), what other song mysteries need
figuring out. Eh I don't like this riff. See you in
Hell, riff! I'm onto bigger and better things! 14th paragraph we're
into. Probably gonna see Aladdin this weekend. I like it because
it's got that blue guy I like-- Will Smith. I guess, of classic animated
Disney movies throughout the ages, Aladdin was probably the one hitting the
sweet spot for me/my very specific age-generation. Other people roughly my
age may have clicked with The Lion King (never seen it) or Mulan (saw it a few
month ago, didn't love it). ...Alright there were a lot of, "Classic,"
animated Disney movies in the 90's and Aladdin is the only one I've seen several
times and/or clicked with me. Are you happy now? HAS EVERYTHING
BEEN TIED UP IN A NEAT LITTLE BOW FOR YOU.
When I grow up, I wanna be a Magic Carpet some day!
Can't hurt to dream. Can hurt to be a magic carpet, though.
People always steppin' on ya and stuff. No fun being a magic carpet.
You apparently have some sort of consciousness-- you can shrug your shoulders
and emote and communicate a few different other things-- but you have no
personality, you have no purpose other than people stand on you or sit on
you. Kinda sucks being a magic carpet is the point. Why does the
magic carpet need to be anthropomorphic? Isn't it magic enough that it can
fly? Why does it need to have achieved self awareness, especially if
you're not gonna even try to pretend you're gonna treat it with the respect such
a being should demand? Seems kind of egregious, and really, kind of cruel
is the point.
Jeez, what else is going on. Five paragraphs to go
theoretically. Been creepin' up in poker again. That's pretty much
how poker goes. Creep up a lot-- reach a plateau-- lose a bunch -- reach a
plateau, creep up a lot-- lose a bunch-- reach a plateau... That's life
for ya. If a plateau was a carpet with an attitude it'd have a platitude.
See, told ya I was mentally ill! That sentence proves it once and for
all! Anyway, I think a lot of being part of a comedy community is
riffing on each others jokes or whatever. Last class there were roughly 16
people or so who each did 3 minutes. I didn't say it out loud, but here's
the one joke I thought based on someone else's routine-- lady talking about
growing up Hindu AND I THINK OF GOING, "HINDU? MORE LIKE HIN-DON'T!"
I didn't say it because I'm really not that crazy, but the point is in 3 hours
that's the only thing I came up with on my feet.
17th paragraph! I don't believe it. One thing I
wrote down in my notepad that apparently people praised yesterday was I had
funny posture or something. I wrote down Posture Is Good. I
have no idea what that means, but-- wait I know exactly what it means I just
don't get it. It means that the way I was standing was funny.
Maybe I was hunched over a bit, I don't know. But whatever it was, it
clicked with people! There's so much to comedy that I never would have
thought of. Gotta have funny posture. Live and learn!
What am I like the hunchback of Notre Dame? Should I be ringing some
bells? You think this is funny, my chiropractor LOVES THIS a-hey-hey
a-hey-hey! Why don't you rub my back it's okay I'll only get a
That's how comedy works I guess. Who knew.
Comedy class is half over. Then its on to the next thing. Thinking
about sending an e-mail to comedy teacher with a bunch of questions including
what open mics would you recommend. Gotta figure out if I really wanna
keep this stand-up comedy thing rollin' or just move on when the class is done.
I can see myself going in either direction at this point. Found out these
good cookies you can get fom bodegas or convenience stores. "The Complete
Cookie." These jumbo sized cookies that are healthy and high in fiber and
protein and taste great. Perfect for either Lunch #1 or Lunch #2.
One lunch is like a real lunch, the other lunch is a huge cookie. That's
the kind of options having two lunches affords you. Now do you see what
I'm up to? Starting to make sense yet? Anyway, 18 paragraphs, and
I'm done! That's how things work nowadays. I'll see ya later.
Monday, May 20, 2019
What Kind of Title Is That?
Not a great one. Anyway. Is
using the touch-mouse that comes with the laptop, as opposed to an extra mouse
you hold and move around with your hand to move the mouse icon as opposed to
using your fingers on the touch one-- anyway you know what I mean-- is that good
practice for female genital stimulation? My guess is on one hand
probably not but on the other hand get that other hand on a fake touch-mouse
under the laptop to practice some anal stimulation. That's how
computers work if you want them to. Anyway, what in the what, another day,
I was thinking about it, and today, I'm in favor of the
number six. Yesterday was extolling the virtue of Comedy In Fives, but I'm
over that. Now I'm all about Comedy In Sixes. I'd do some sort of
weird faux-comedy-bit that means nothing about hmm comedy in sixes
what would that entail in a humorous anecdotal type thing but I don't feel
like it right now, maybe later in the entry. Probably later. I'll
get back to it! But, for now, gotta say, I went a solid 2 or 3 weeks
without thinking about cigarettes at all but now they're a little bit on
my mind. Mostly in the way that hey I find myself coughing sometimes, I
bet that's related to all those times I used to smoke cigarettes, and apparently
its not out of my system yet. But also, here and there, thinking,
hey I remember smoking cigarettes, that was fun. But, as of now, still
no real risk of going back. Just the realization that hey smoking
cigarettes made me feel good mentally. Just not physically.
Or even mentally in the long run probably. Oh well what can ya do.
Theme Song for The New Monkees has the lyrics Hey Hey
We're The New Monkees over and over. Well, one complication.
Sometimes it just goes A-Hey-Hey, A-Hey-Hey. And then back to just
Hey Hey, We're The New Monkees. I'd tell ya the chord progression but
I'm not 100% comfortable sharing that just yet. Maybe later on in the
entry. One more little taste, though-- one song that's 80% written is
titled Get Off My Back. Anyway, what else is going on. Is
that a The New Monkees song, or is it a song from before they became The
New Monkees, or were they always the New Monkees and its just from before
they got a TV series? I've raised a lot of interesting questions about
the origins of The New Monkees which I supposedly have most of the answers to
but you don't! Suck on that!
How exciting. Next entry will have another 2 or 3
teasers of rote facts about this imaginary TV show. Rest of this entry
will not. But, apparently, will have some sort of nonsense about rule
of sixes in comedy. I'm working my way up to it! It's still
gestating in my BackgroundMind. There's seven main characters in The New
Monkees. I know I previously said Eight but I wasn't really thinking when
i said that. So, next entry, when I'm up to considering The Rule of
Sevens, I know that'll actually be correct. I just know it!
Five was a joke. I never really believed in the rule of fives.
Today, I came to the realization, hey, maybe five is pretty funny... but
sixes are funnier. And I'm VERY confident that I will come to a
genuine conclusion by next entry about Sevens Actually being
perfect and perfectly funny.
We'll get there! It'sa comin'! What
paragraph am I at. What about eight? Nope only the
fifth paragraph! No I mean what about there being A Rule Of Eights?
Get out of here with that bullshit! Eight is too much! People can't
keep track of the number eight! It's impossible! Anyway, I got lunch
in about fifteen minutes. Lunch #1. Which, today, is sort of a
Brunchish meal. Half a Belgian Waffle, One Point Five egg whites, and a
couple of pieces of Canadian bacon. It's a real United Nations. You
get Belgium, Canada, and.. Egg Whites. Gotta imagine Egg Whites are
somehow a reference to some sort of country somewhere on our Flat Earth, right?
Without actually reading the article, I saw a headline on Facebook from some
reputable website, It's time we took Flat Earthers seriously.
I mean, I'm guessing the gist of the article wasn't that we
should take Flat Earthery seriously, but that we should be cognizant of the
unfortunate fact that its caught on with a lot of people. Either way, I
Disagree! In fact, I think having Do you believe in a flat
Earth? is a perfect litmus test to whether you should be taken seriously or
not. If you say yes, I know right away to not take seriously!
It's a system that works perfectly and this article is trying to muck it up!
Is Donald Trump a Flat Earther? I remember reading anecdotes of him as
president seeming to not understand how the Earth is a sphere and the
implications of that. This isn't a bit. That's true.
I'm not making this up. Whether that means he sort of accepts the
Earth is a globe and just doesn't 100% Get It, or whether he explicitly believes
the world is flat, I can't say. But not being able to say whether the
president does or does not believe in a flat Earth doesn't exactly instill me
with confidence. I'ma go get lunch out of the oven.
The Creation of a Joke In Real Time
Hey, Starbucks time! Wait, no,
let me start over.
hey, Starbucks, we h... wait hold on.
I'm better than this.
Take a breath.
I get Starbucks all the time.
Every day. Hmm. Ok. This isn't the real joke yet. Now
I'm just gonna riff on it knowing it's just for this website and not the final
phrasing for comedy class. Ok. HEY Starbucks time! Wait no
let me start over.
I drink coffee all the time. I get Starbucks once a
day, every morning. Also, I get Dunkin Donuts every day. Every
afternoon! And they all know me there. Always congenial. I
mean, to me, it's always been a positive experience. I know they're
trained to be nice, and it's not just that they love and care about me as a
person, but it still always felt like Hey Mike, another great day in the
neighborhood! They may or may not mean it but there was some imagined
mutual respect in both of us playing our roles of Conscientious Starbucks Worker
and Polite And Normal Consumer.
Now, like I said, I'm a regular at Starbucks. FUBCDOUSNC
ITS UNNATURAL TO WRITE A JOKE THIS WAY. GET OUT OF MY WEBSITE OR WRITE THE
JOKE FOR ME, THERE, THAT'S HOW I FEEL!!!!
The Retreat Towards Accepting Nothing Is Ever Accomplished
Such is life, I guess. The gist of the
joke was/is going to be what I started in the last paragraph of the last entry.
I guess I'm just not 100% there yet to work on it. The good news is I
started lunch and I'm having a blast eating lunch. I'm thinking of really
comitting to the idea of Two Lunches and get another Proper Lunch as the 2nd
lunch. This was a proper lunch. And maybe like a 6 inch healthy
Subway Sandwich in three or four hours. Having two lunches a day as
opposed to just one is pretty much a fantasy life that I can actually make real.
Such is life, I guess.
So, I'm gonna count that JokeCrap as zero paragraphs.
Making this the eighth paragraph. Too high. Its confusing people.
Can't we just say its the ninth paragraph, and that the number eight is
uniformially regarded as so unlucky that we don't even use it?
Building owners not feeling comfortable having a 13th floor should have been a
dead give away that people who make money with buildings are dumb. Like
Trump, ya see. Because its a group of people who thought, NO WAY,
WE CAN'T USE THE NUMBER 13! WE'RE ADULTS BUT WE'RE GONNA GO FROM THE 12th
FLOOR TO THE 14TH FLOOR YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL. Or, they think
so little of their prospective residents, that they think they're gonna
care. Either way, sounds like Trump. Both being stupid
and thinking everyone else is stupid.
Cool! Poker going okay. This morning it was
rigged to help me win a bit. Tomorrow it'll probably be rigged again to
make sure I lose. Then the next day, who knows?!?! It keeps going
back and forth for some reason I'd like to understand one day! Anyway
Hey Starbucks Time! Wait, no, let me start over. I just got my
credit card bill from the past month and it was insanely high because I started
getting Iced Coffee/Cold Brews 2.5 times a day as opposed to 1. Crazy how
much money I've been wasting on that. I originally was justifying it by
saying well this is just while I'm quitting smoking, it's still cheaper than
a pack of cigarettes a day, and I'll stop drinking this much coffee once I'm
over cigarettes. Well, I'm about as over cigarettes as I'm gonna get,
so, time to cut it out!
Cool! I don't know. I do like that very first
sip of a New Cold Brew Iced Coffee. I II bought it, I waited 3
minutes like a good boy, they give it to me, I take it, I'm on my way out the
door... take that first sip oh yeah this is good. I'm glad today 'I
decided to get an Iced Coffee'\(or)/ 'I decided to get a Cold Brew' I really
need to remember which one this was because I know for sure this is the one
that's better. MM-mm-mmm. And by the time I'm home 20
minutes later it's already become a negative experience. No matter how
much I've drank on the way home, it's always me coming to the conclusion
great I drank too significant a percentage of this already while just walking
home. What a waste. ...Can't wait till the next time I get this later.
Cool! I'm gonna go get that Real Mouse. I was
experimenting writing this entry with just using the laptop mouse and it's been
fine but hey I got stuff to do can't use this back-up mouse forever!
Hey that paragraph has some other nuggets I can expand on for a larger bit about
Starbucks. Main joke in there is I can never remember whether I
like cold brew or regular iced coffee better. That may be a universal
experience, right? Seems like the kind of thing people would experience
but never think to talk/think about. Same about being disappointed as you
finish your iced coffee that there's a finite amount and not just an IV with
caffeine in it hooked up to your veins 24/7. I'm assuming its the
caffeine that we're addicted to. I don't know for sure. Maybe
it's some sort of sweetness in the milk or, for me, the sugar free Vanilla
flavor add on-- that's how it feels. When I'm drinking iced coffee,
it feels like I'm enjoying it for the taste augmented slightly maybe by
the subliminal 'pick-me-up,' that i'm consciously aware of but would
theoretically only experience subconsciously. But that's probably all
wrong. It's my educated guess I'm actually just addicted to caffeine.
Cool! 12th paragraph. After all this, I still
feel like I wanna get another iced coffee this afternoon. Oh well what can
ya do. Just say no. Hey I can do that. Kinda catchy.
I can do things that are catchy! Maybe aim for 15 paragraphs today.
That seems about right for some reason. Three and a half paragraphs to go
in this scenario. Wonderful. So, here's the good news from today--
comedy is in sevens most likely but we'll find out for certain next entry, but
I'm this close to figuring it out. --I was able to work on Starbucks bit
naturally after failing when trying to force it. still not 100% there, and
class is tomorrow, but I'm gettin' there. --I may not need two lunches every
day, because I wasn't exercising like an asshole this morning and, possibly
related to that, I don't feel like I need to eat as much as I usually feel like.
--poker is rigged in my favor for this morning and I'll try to feel out when it
will be rigged in my favor again and wait until then to play.
Cool. Anyway, three paragraphs to go! This
was a relatively fun entry because it put all the pain and bad memories from
last entry out of our collective minds. I'm not gonna do any bit tomorrow
about how I was adjusting my impression of the class and what that means for how
I'm approaching it. Figured it was kind of presumptuous and combative and
antagonistic, even if I really conveyed how I didn't mean any offense or
anything. So, good thing I good that out of my system and have a general
idea of what tto talk about. Starbucks! Everyone loves
Starbucks! I can't believe I didn't realize Howard Shultz'z entire
campaign was to get us to subconsciously get Starbucks. Seemed like
that should have been the first thing we thought, right? But it never
crossed my mind and thus he manipulated media coverage for a month or two to
subliminally get us to think and go to and consume and spend money at Starbucks.
Oh well, what can ya do. Run for president so people
will want Crazysheet. I'm too young you idiot! I can't run for
president until 2024!!! Whatta jip. Penultimate paragraph.
Anyway, what else is going on. Days are a lot more fun when you don't
force yourself to do 2000 sit or push ups surrounded by 2.5 hours of walking in
a circle watching a late night cartoon from over 20 years ago. Somehow the
combination of those things was driving me crazy. Crazy, right? Who
woulda guessed those normal activities were, if not a sign of an unhealthy mind,
certainly a precursor of one. Oh well, what can ya do. Nothing.
I'm going back to that routine tomorrow. It's the only life I know.
I don't even want to be buff or whatever.
I'd rather just be skinny than have abs or muscles. But this is my routine
and I'm pot committed is the point. Is buff still a word people use?
I feel like it's a word they would use in a late night cartoon from over 20
years ago and that's the kind of thing I take seriously for some reason.
Also, if you ever doubted Jason Alexander was a genuinely good actor, watch
Duckman. You totally forget its Jason Alexander, even though it sounds
just like him (Because it is him), and the tone of the dialogue is even not that
far off from other characters he's played, but you totally buy into the fact
that this is an animated duck(-man) talking and not voice over work from Jason
Alexander. So, mission accomplished there, I guess. I'll see ya
Sunday, May 19, 2019
To Title Is To Begin The Entry
I was gonna say To Title Is To Begin
Entrying, but that only applies to me. When I'm titling, it leads to
me entrying, but for you, the title just leads to, "The Entry," as a
noun. For me, its a verb. Hmm. Fascinating. Well
it's only been a few sentences and I've already given myself a lot to think
about. Came up with the general idea of what I'm gonna riff on for
Comedy Class #3 of 6. I'm gonna talk about how This Class Is
Going Well, Right?... and then segue into I get the feeling this class is
to just polish 5 minutes to do at the ConclusionShow, but, with all due respect,
seriously, I respect all dues, but I paid a hefty price for this class and
I'm gonna do new stuff each week! But as respectfully as possible.
I mean, that's what comedy has been to me. Just be
honest week in week out about where you're at and try to find humor in it.
Job Please. Anyway what's up. Thinking about
experimenting with different length entries. Maybe as short as 5
paragraphs. Maybe 10, 15. I've narrowed it down to multiples of
fives because in the comedy business we all know the rules of fives.
Which is that there's a rule of threes--- things in three are funny.
Then, four, not so funny. Then, one more-- you're at five-- FORGET BEING
AS FUNNY AS THREE, NOW WE'RE AT FIVE AND SUDDENLY IT'S HILARIOUS! FOUR WAS
A SNOOZE BUT OH MAN THANK GOD I STAYED AROUND FOR ONE MORE AFTER THAT FOUR
CLUNKER. I picked that up somewhere, I forget. Maybe Comedy
Class. I think that's kind of how I imagined comedy class going.
Learning about the rules of comedy. Instead, it's just everyone does
their 2-5 minutes, teacher says I liked the decent parts and you gotta
work on the not decent parts after each person goes. Shit,
I just figured out this is a waste of time and/or money. Oh well, what
can ya do.
Wait, no it isn't! Teacher is instilling confidence
and camaraderie in us. Truly. And that's worth something, right?
So, yeah, it may not be everything I hoped for, but it's still pretty
worthwhile. We're all friends now. Next session in 2 days is
Session #3. Should be hilarious. Because of my
mostly-dormant mental illness, I can't shake the sense that online poker is
rigged. I mean, logically, sure, it's not. No question. Why
and How and Who and What. But it's just a subtle background feeling which
I try not to acknowledge yet influences the way I play. So the point is It
Makes Me Play Worse But I Still Keep Playing for Some Reason. Oh well,
that's life for ya! Gotta keep playing even though you're pretty sure
it may be rigged but can't do much about it anyway so sure even if it is
rigged at least someone's benefiting! Your opponents might make better use
of that money than you would have!! They must be happy winning those poker
pots. And I'm happy for 'em. Gotta look at the bright side, the cup
is half full and whatnot.
Wait, no it isn't! Oh well what can ya do.
Let's just agree there's a cup somewhere that may or may not have liquid in it
and whether it's less than half, exactly half, or more than half, it doesn't
really affect our lives in the slightest so who cares about this glass unless it
has milk in it and someone spills it because then its time to bawl our fucking
eyes out! I don't play no games when it comes to spilt milk! I won't
stand for it and neither should you! INTOLERABLE! And, of
course, the correct reaction to something bad happening is to start crying.
Mama will come soon enough to wipe away those tears. Whatta scam.
We only got upset so Mama would comfort us. Feels like Mamas being
scammed! Oh well what can ya do.
What paragraph we into now. I hope that spilt milk
wasn't from Mama's breasts. Because she'd be pissed fuckin' off if
it went to waste like that. All her lactation went to waste! What an
ingrate you must be. No, really, what paragraph are we into now.
Fifth paragraph. I Can't Stop Laughing. Hah! We made it
to five paragraphs. Hilarious! Maybe take a walk after this
paragraph. That gels with the 10 or 15 paragraph theory. Anyway.
For Comedy Class, I can do 1 or 2 minutes on Hey How's The Class Going
and then do another 1 or 2 minutes on Random Comedy Joke. Last week I did
the thing about... what was it... oh, right. Preaching To The Choir.
And I introduced it by saying I just had this thought this morning...
which was true! It wasn't a scam to justify its randomness and act as if I
had it saved up because I thought it was so great. So, the point is, I can
do as many random bullshits as I want, no matter when I thunk of them, who cares
if they're not memorable at all. Well, Preaching to the Choir was a
little memorable. After an ellipses it came back to me. Gonna take a
walk. I'll Be back!
One Day At a Time
That's my pitch for a Soap Opera. Anyone
interested? What do you mean you don't have the resources nor the
desire to fund my potential soap opera? Where do you get off with that
bullshit? Anyway, been trying out some new flavors of gum.
Tropical Flavors. It's like taking a holiday in my mouth!
Tropical Getaway and whatnot, sure, why not. Figure one idea for the
Random Bit Of Next Comedy Performance could be the why don't neo-Nazis ever
have Hitler moustaches shit. I typed, "neo-nazi," and Microsoft
FrontPage insisted that was spelled wrong, and suggested I changed it to,
"neo-Nazi," which it accepts. Well excuse me for not showing neo-Nazis
the proper respect by capitalizing, "Nazi!" This is Microsoft FrontPage's,
"Good people on both sides," moment. Now we know how this computer
application really feels.
Came up with a good sustainable, exciting, economical diet
regimen from now on. Basically three small-medium meals and one
medium-large meal. Breakfast/Lunch(or Snack)/Snack (or Lunch)/Dinner.
With the first 3 being roughly the same amount of calories and Dinner being
slightly larger. I think that's the kind of schedule my body can get on
and start to feel natural in. You can read all about it in my new book
What's The Best Diet For Michael? Currently on sale for $59.99.
If I ever become wealthy enough to need a nutritionist and/or personal chef,
this book is gonna come very much in handy! You don't wanna miss out on
those two potential opportunities! Get prepared now so
you're ahead of the game when the time comes! Anyway. Gotta
change the vents for my house in a minute. So that instead of being
Give-Off-Heat-ready it'll be Give-Off-AirConditioning-ready. Sure I'm an
adult twice a year, what of it.
I Shall Come Up With Three Minutes
Pretty much have to, there's no
shall or shant about it. Shant ought to be a word, right?
And we ought to use it as often as humanly possible, right? Because it's
great? Holy crap I'm gettin' a contact high off the idea of titling
every few paragraphs. Sending shivers all across my body. I gotta
sit down, hold on a second. Hold on a second, I already am sitting
down. Anyway, hey, what else is going on. One day, when you're my
personal chef and/or nutritionist, we'll laugh about this. Awkward for
now, but once we reach that point in the semi-distant future, this bit will be
remembered fondly, I'm sure of that. Anyway. I'm addicted to
What The Hell Are You Looking At
Hey great how about that. This is the
ninth paragraph. Figure I'm gonna either stop at 10 or go for 15.
The point is I'm done with errands and crap being a Man and now I'm back to
talking to my computer. Wonderful. Gotta take a shower. I'm
all sweaty from mucking around in the attic. Didn't find any toys.
Oh well, what can ya do. Figure I'll finish this entry, take a shower,
have Lunch #2 (or, Lunch #1, and previous Lunch was a Big Snack), then muck
around on the internet for a few hours, see how that goes. Anyway, what
the what. Wait, I can't take a shower, I'm wearing my contacts.
Doctor Forbade It! Ah, but its the forbidden shower that tastes
the sweetest. What to do, What to do!
Last paragraph. I've been acting under the
impression that coming into Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks every day was normal, and
the people there are friendly, and are like Hey Mike how's your day, just
another fine day in the neighborhood! But now I'm thinking they see us
regulars all as addicts. Hey here to get your caffeine fix you
junkie you? Hah. We roped ya in and now you can't stop! Welp,
better continue being friendly and congenial to you because that's as powerful a
drug as the caffeine itself to some antisocial loser like you! So the
point is I got that going for me. Anyway, I'll see you all later.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
The World'll Keep Titling Without Me
Probably. Just not as well.
Here's a good title for a book-- You Can't Judge a Book By Its Title.
Uh-oh. Cause that's exactly what I was gonna do. I guess I
better judge it by its cover, then. I have no other points of reference to
judge this book unless I open it for some reason. Maybe judge it by
the back cover. That seems right. Don't we do that in real life?
Hey it's a synopsis and some critics' quotes. Alright I'm gonna join
the rest of society and judge this book by it's back cover. You can
judge a book by it's jacket. That's probably what cool kids do. But
that requires sort of opening it. And that's pretty presumptuous of you.
The book never gave you consent to open it. Gotta purchase it first!
Otherwise, you're stealing! Anyway, this sure was an introductory
Saturday afternoon entry. Just finished my 3 hours of
walking in circle augmented by lots of push ups and sit ups. Now the plan
is drink 3 12 oz beers over the next few hours, have some lunch by bringing it
up to my room and eating it while being on computer, and see if that specific
routine really works to the degree where I'm like yeah I should plan to do
this again tomorrow for some reason. Gotta plan something for
tomorrow. Otherwise, it's just emptiness. Good idea for a movie--
The Pursuit of Emptyness. Took a break from binge watching Duckman
this morning to instead watch mediocre horror movies from the past decade on
Netflix. Good routine to be in! They're scareful but also stupid so
the real scariest thing about them is uh-oh my life must mean nothing
if I'm wasting my time watching these pieces of crap. Terrifying.
Anyway. I don't know, whatever. Comedy Class
Session #3 of 6 is in three days. Not prepared at all for my 3 minutes of
stage time. I'm starting to get the impression that the goal of this class
is simply to come up with 5 minutes of crap to say, hone that, then say it at
the show which concludes the class. And then that's it. Open and
shut. Just fine tune that 5 minutes. That's not what I was
imagining. I was imagining learning how to come up with stuff over and
over again, not just committing to the bullshit idea I had before the 1st
class of what to talk about and then just honing in on that. So, now
that I'm under the correct impression of what this class is about, I need to
decide-- do I come up with a new 3 minutes for Tuesday, like I want to, but
isn't necessarily what is expected of me, or do I just go back to either what I
did last week, or the week before, and add to that and fine tune it? I
don't wanna do that. And, you know, I am paying for this class, so I
should just do what I want.
But that presents the alternate problem of oh so now I
gotta come up with a new 3 minutes. I could do that in theory and
probably in practice but the week is half over so I better get crackin' at it.
Right now I got nothin'. But, anyway, the point is, it's the fourth
paragraph, and I think I'm gonna crack open a beer. Gotta get crackin'
at something. Hey maybe I can do a riff about coming to that
conclusion about this comedy class and how I'm gonna buck the trend and fuck you
guys I'm gonna bring us together as an honest comedy community if it kills me!
One thing I highlighted in that short book I read which talks about comedy
theoretically/philosophically was basically the point that the comedian, in this
case the stand-up comedian in particular, sorta walks a fine line between
fostering a sense of community while personally acting like an outsider and
perhaps encouraging that sort of perspective, too. Sorta accomplishes both
at once. I thought that was pretty insightful.
I didn't really highlight it. I put those few
lines in the book In Brackets. I have a highlighter but it doesn't really
show up well! I'm using brackets for now! Should I go to Rite Aid
and get a pack of different color highlighters? Yeah in a perfect world!
Jeez. What paragraph we into now. Fifth! Gonna go get 1st
beer. And aim to start lunch in 45-60 minutes. BRB. I
wonder if Justin Bieber ever thought of the acronym BRB and was like this
acronym really speaks to me. This Means Something.
Who knows. Oh, right. BRB. I forgot! Hey I'm back how
about that. Pretty much entering Maintenance Diet mode. Gonna
try to lose another 1 or 2 pounds gradually over a month or two, so basically,
I'm consuming what I'll be consuming ultimately. And exercising more or
less what I'll be exercising ultimately. And there's absolutely no chance
my life will change or be interrupted in such a way that I will have to
re-evaluate my current plans and habits.
That's a relief. Wait, no it isn't. My
life is the pits! Oh well, what can ya do. That's not 100%
accurate. When I plan for maintenance diet and maintenance exercising
and maintenance activities like writing, reading, sleeping, other entertainment
consuming, and other entertainment creating/performing,, [and, most important of
all, any sort of a job], I do take into account several different paths my life
may take, and plan things in such a way that I could do those things no matter
what comes up. I plan ahead! Multiple aheads! Any ahead that
pops up! I took the road less traveled, and it made all the difference.
Oh yeah? Well I took the road most traveled! And we were all
making fun of you behind your back! That's how inside jokes work, ya make
fun of the person who isn't around! It's not out of malice or anything,
it's just that you weren't there, so us demeaning you to amuse each other just
sorta came about naturally!
Sure, I guess, whatever. Re-watching Duckman,
I've come to the realization that maybe it is meant for kids as
much as adults. I mean, to really get 90% of the jokes, you probably have
to be an adult. But just the pacing of it, the characters, the
storylines-- all very appealing to a child. I mean, Duckman is essentially
our ID. And kids have IDs even if they're not quite developed yet!
And some of them say McLovin! I don't know. So, sure, I had
that going for me. When I was 8. And Weird Science: The TV Show was
over. On Saturday Nights. On the USA network. Whatever, what
else is going on. I've never seen Weird Science: The Movie but I used to
watch Weird Science: The TV Show Based On The Movie. If you did that, like
me, you'd have been exposed ahead of time to Tobias from Oz (He played the jerky
older brother) and Nice Laaaaady from Kingpin (She played the computer genie
perfect woman in theory person). I forget her name in Kingpin. I
remember her real name-- Vanessa Angel. But the name from the movie
escapes me. Oh, is it Claudia or something? That sounds right.
I'll go check. Hey I was right how about that.
How about that, indeed. Eighth paragraph.
Eating lunch after 10 paragraphs seems about right, right? About.
Poker is still poker. Goes up and down and right now it's mostly down but
still up enough that I'm like eh it's up enough I guess. I'm really
trying to get the ball rolling to be able to withdraw it, say, by next weekend.
Gotta convert it into BitCoin and then use a website to convert the BitCoin into
cash which I can withdraw onto my credit card. Totally reputable site--
written in CNBC, CNN Money, Forbes.com as recently as last month in a positive
way-- but they need a lot of personal information and my parents are
rightly suspicious. But I'm convinced its legit so we'll see how that goes
ultimately. Then, after that, the plan is to start bugging my parents for
that new TV I've been owed for a year and a half and get that done in,
let's say, 3 weeks from now. Just really up the pressure. Risk being
a jerk about it, even. Don't take no or ask me again tomorrow
for an answer. Just wrap this crap up!
I've waited long enough! I've had it up to here
with waiting! Cool, sure, ninth paragraph. Hmm. Maybe put food
in oven. I like that idea. I'd tell you what I plan on eating
for lunch, but, you know. Gotta keep some things private.
Anyway BRBz. Anyway IMBACKz. How did catching some zzz's
enter the zeitgeist. In what universe did someone come to the conclusion
that ZZZ's should represent sleep? Presumably because it sounds like
snoring, right, that must be it. But if your loved ones snoring sounds
like him or her going Zeeeeezeeezeeezeee, call a doctor! Then tell
the doctor about it! Then listen to what he says! If he's concerned,
follow up on it! Maybe schedule a sleep study to be performed by the
doctor on your loved one! And if he's not concerned, then forget about it!
Not a problem!
I guess. 10th paragraph! May only have 1 or 2
beers today instead of the 3 I was planning for. If it ain't necessary,
don't drink it! Such is life am I right. Hmm, "Zee," wouldn't be a
terrible nickname/term of affection for myself if the person who is using it
first came to know me because of crazysheet. Crazy could be how I'm
identified. As a pronoun. Hey, Crazy, what's up? Something
like that. And that gets shortened to Z. Because it's cray cray to
not acknowledge The Z. Actually I don't like this. I don't want
to be Z. Never! Never Ever! I've done a complete 180 on
this whole thing is the point. The other point is I'm gonna still start
lunch after this paragraph, but instead of going straight to lunch after this
paragraph, I'm gonna muck around on the internet for the 15 minutes I have left
until Lunch Is Ready and then when Lunch Is Ready I bring it upstairs and
Continue On Entry.
Alright I'm back. Lunch is-- 1/2 corn
beef sandwich, 1/2 baked knish, 1/6th black & white cookie. I like it!
It covers all the bases I desire and whatnot. So, hey, great, what else.
Do I finish this entry before my Afternoon Walk, or do I take it, let's
estimate, around after the 15th paragraph? And aim for 20? I don't
know! We'll find out I guess. Main difference between
almost-maintenance diet and previous diet is larger lunches. I'm talkin'
lunches that are reaching the size of meal previously reserved for dinner!
It's been fun experimenting with different sized meals over the past year is the
point but at this point I think I can get behind a schedule where I have a a
~350 cal breakfast, ~500 cal lunch, and a ~650 call diner! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That settles that hopefully.
Jeez. Anyway, now we're back into EntryMode
instead of ObsessingOverFoodMode. At least for the next few minutes.
So, great, what's going on in the wide world of sp--- oh right the world is
going to shit. Now I remember why I've decided to make myself
committed to self improvement and obsession! Because the rest of the
world is terrible! So I focus on what I can control, which is
myself, and work on that. I guess. Who knows for sure! I'm
trying to get back into reading after not doing any since a week and a half ago
(read that Comedy book) but its hard to motivate myself. I really screwed
myself having the next book on the docket being that Beastie Boys book.
It's fuckin' huge, not just in terms of how long it is, but it's physically very
intimidating. I think the purpose of the book is to be a coffee table book
meant to look nice and to mock anyone who actually bought it intending to read
it. Not sure of their motivation for that, but that's how it works in
I don't konw. It's practically daring me to read
it. Am I gonna let the size of the book intimidate me or am I gonna be a
Hero and actually read it? These tough times call for a Hero. And
reading a book about (the) Beastie Boys is the kind of heroism these tough times
call for! Also, is it Beastie Boys or The Beastie Boys. I
mean, like, if you were gonna introduce them. You're opening for them or
something and you go Ladies and Gentlemen... [The?] Beastie Boys!
My instinct would have been to use The but the book is pretty
clear that it's just called Beastie Boys Book. No The
there. So the point is this book has clearly given me a lot to think about
and I will process it in my own time.
Cool!. 14th paragraph. Hey how about that.
One habit that I've gotten into when consuming food is really putting value into
the idea that each meal should consist of several things. My favorite
meals are ones where there are several different elements. I don't know
why. It's just fun, ya know, sure. I don't know if its fair to say
The World Is Going To Shit. Maybe it was just always shit and some
of us didn't fully realize it. That seems to be the mindset I've been
settling in to. Such is life! That might be the narrative framing of
the upcoming Democratic Primary. Was the world always shit?
Or is it just shit now? I guess we'll find out over the
next year! I can't wait to find out, personally. It should be
Moderates message-- HEY HOW DARE YOU SAY THE WORLD WAS
ALWAYS SHIT. I WAS PERSONALLY AROUND DURING A TIME WHEN MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE LIFE AS SHIT AND I WAS HAPPY ENOUGH AND I'D LIKE TO GO BACK TO THAT
TIME WHERE MOST PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNIZE LIFE AS SHIT BECAUSE LIKE I SAID I
PERSONALLY WAS HAPPY ENOUGH. Progressives Message-- EVERYTHING IS
BROKEN AND THINGS ARE RIGGED AGAINST US REALLY THEY ARE I SWEAR IT SO WE HAVE NO
HOPE OF EVER FIXING IT BUT HEY OH WELL LETS TRY ANYWAY PROBABLY NOT GONNA WORK
THOUGH. Moderates message-- EXACTLY WE WIN. Progressives
message- PEOPLE ARE WISING UP TO YOUR BULLSHIT WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.
Moderates message-- MAKE AMERICA MODERATE AGAIN.
Progressives message-- HOW DARE YOU WITH THAT BULLSHIT. Moderates
message-- FUCK YOU! Progressives message-- NO FUCK
So that's fun, right? Hmm I wonder if its
appropriate to have a 150 calorie snack between now and dinner. It
probably is. If I don't eat snacks, who will? And then what
will become of Frito-Lays and whatnot. They'd have to declare bankruptcy
if I don't continue consuming at the rate they've grown accustomed to. I
don't wanna cause any pain or damage or hardship for anyone! That's not
what I'm about! 16th paragraph. Just finished Lunch. Guess
write 20 paragraphs, take a walk, maybe get a 2nd iced coffee of the day, then
take it from there. Wonderful! Isn't it a conflict of
interest if Democratic Primary debates have, "Moderators?" C'mon!
Talk about a rigged system! The guys asking the questions are
Moderate..ers! Hmm actually kinda true in the abstract.
So four paragraphs to go is the point. Let's get
back on track. I was on track at some point? Kinda seems like
it, right? Anyway. Still chewin' a lot of gum. Usually I have
to alternate between Trident: Perfect Peppermint and Trident: Wintergreen, based
on the availability in RiteAid, but last time, they had both! So I got 3
of each. And that'll last me another day or two. Then,
unfortunately, most likely back to not having a choice and having to
mono-consume whichever one the store has available. Such is life!
I don't know if I actually eat any Frito-Lays products. Seemed like an
appropriate and bordering-on-humorous reference, though? And, in the end,
isn't that what counts? Something not being 100% accurate yet bordering on
I've given myself a lot to think about. Penpenultimate
paragraph. Kal Penn, Pen Penultimate Paragraph! That's my
take on The Original Last Comic Standing's classic routine of Dat Phan, Turn
Off That Fan. That's stand up comedy for ya. NBC decided that
was the future of comedy in 2003. Dat Phan. Prove 'em wrong!
Why time already has done that for me. Touché! So the
point is 2 and a half paragraphs to go. Lookin' forward to that afternoon
walk and gettin' that afternoon iced coffee mmm I sure love purchasing things.
I could do with or without the coffee, but going into a store, giving my order,
getting something in return-- oh man I'm gettin' hot just thinking about it!
Now I need the iced coffee to cool me down. Thank God things work out like
that all the time!
Hey last paragraph. Wait, no it isn't. Hey,
penultimate paragraph. Yeah there we go. Last year, when I was
fantasizing about Maintenance Diets, my biggest pie-in-the-sky fantasy
was getting Frozen Coffee (previously stylized as Coffee Coolattas). So
far I haven't indulged in that, not even once, but I guess it's as good an idea
as any to do that some time soon for some reason no one is really sure of.
Cool! Atta! Coffee! I don't know. Saw The Intruder last
week. Just felt like gettin' out of the house to do something. It
was good enough I guess. I'm not one to complain!
Anyway, finally, the real last paragraph! I knew
it would come eventually if I just kept spouting off bullshit. What else
is going on. Here's 2 DVDs I have that I've never watched-- the two movies
that led to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. For a Fistful of Dollars and
For a Few Dollars More. Gottem on DVD. Never watched them!
Just finished beer #2. Gonna leave it there for today. Almost done.
Almost, almost, almost done. Then back to, I don't know, finishing
that last mediocre horror movie which has 20 minutes left, then figuring out my
own mediocre horrorlife and seeing what I can do to finish that. Not
really finish it. I was speaking metaphorically you morons.
So, the point is, thanks for reading. See ya later in a day or three.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
You Can't Spell, "Title," Without, "Title."
It's true! I've tried! Over and
over! Never been able to achieve it! I was thinking about it, and I
think my life long affinity for titles may have come as a result of my high
school principal's name, Mr. Teitel. Either that, or the field.
I'd bet on the field. You know, like, anything other than
that one reason. But the point is great, I don't know, neither do you,
none of us can say for sure. The truth is much more complicated than there
being any one reason why I like titles. It's an amalgamation of my entire
life up to this point. Maybe even my life after this point.
Maybe something in my future makes me like titles, and the fourth dimension has
bent in its own special way to make me like title now and in the past. I
wouldn't put it past it! I'd put it present it, though. And, future?
Maybe. I don't know!
Hah! Made you read nonsense! That's a special
brand of nonsense. There's Nonsense-a. which is something that makes sense
but is stupid. Then there's Nonsense-b which is something that you are
unable to make sense out of. Nonsense-a still qualifies as nonsense
because you can't make sense out of why you're being exposed to it.
There's no sensical reason for me to write Nonsense-a and thus no reason you
should have to read it. Meanwhile, Nonsense-b is complete nonsense and no
one knows what it means. The point is Great let's write some entry I got
nothin' better to do. Well, I guess not, at least. Lost a bunch in
poker last night. The good news is Hmm, abstractly, who gives a
fig. But the bad news is my life is in a worse place than it was 24
hours ago when I had slightly more money to my name as I do now.
That's why it's important to write Crazysheet. Every entry is worth
Each entry has a dollar value for several reasons.
Firstly, if there's a 10% chance I have a job being a writer one day, each entry
obviously has the monetary value of bringing me ever so slightly closer to being
a quality writer. And, even more value if somehow writing this entry and
sharing it on the internet actually leads to that writing job. Then,
there's the social aspect. Is there a chance sharing this entry will lead
to something non-financially beneficial to my life? Sure, why not!
Then, there's the fact that me writing an entry means I'm not doing
something which would be a net negative to my life-- such as playing more poker
and losing money. Instead of losing money I'm doing something which is, at
What if someone was gonna give me a writing job, then
reads this entry, then changes their mind? In that scenario, writing
this entry hurt me. Which could happen! But I'm a compulsive
gambler apparently so I'll take my chances!!! I kinda am a compulsive
gambler. I realized, if I could quit smoking, but can't quit gambling,
well, then, that's clearly an addiction. Then there's a part of me that's
like no I just need to do something and poker is that. Everyone
needs to do something. Nothing is nothing. Anyway.
You can't spell addiction without, "A.D.D." Thought of that little gem
last night! Also, Gem is a good name for a band. Because it's two
chords that go together well! G Em. Prove me wrong!
I think they should rename the B note/chord as a P.
Because when you're using the mnemonic device Every Good Boy Does Fine,
that's insensitive because its not gender neutral. Gotta change it to
Every Good Person Does Fine. So, we gotta make B's from now on to be
P's. It'll be a hassle at first but ultimately I think its the right thing
to do. We gotta put up with a learning curve for a bit now, sure, but at
the end of the day, we'll be happy we did it. I think I need a mnemonic
device to remember how to spell, "Mnemonic." Nah, I don't. Just
remember-- it's the same as, Demonic but with an, "Mn," instead of a,
"D." That's interesting enough that I think I can remember it based on the
merits of that device.
Looking over this entry, apparently sensical isn't a word.
Nonsensical is a word. Sensical isn't a word. That's nonsensical.
Thank God. If it was, "Sensical," I'd have no idea how to correctly refer
to it. Great, just great. Sixth paragraph. Whatta dud.
Such is life. Afternoons are hard. Get a bunch of exercising in the
morning. In the evening, have a good routine of a little bit of walking
exercising and listening to music. Afternoons are tough. I should be
reading or something, but its hard to actually sit down and just read a book.
The written word is intimidating! I want nothin' to do with it in
practice! In theory, great, I'll read all the books. In practice?
What if the words aren't the way I imagined they'd be?
I saw someone once said something about how just having books
without reading them is a worthwhile enterprise. Having a physical copy of
a book where you know the title and the basics about it, you can sort of
subconsciously imagine what's in the book, and you get something out of that in
and of itself. I forget who said it but it's pretty insightful, I think.
Anyway, I think this entry is only gonna be 10 paragraphs. Not really in
the zone today, but I'm far enough along that finishing 10 paragraphs doesn't
seem too hard. Maybe I've been overextending myself. But, also, at
the same time, underextending myself. And, thank God, when you average it
out, I'm just extending myself which is a good thing apparently for some
reason? We know overextending is bad. That must mean that
plain ole extending yourself is a desirable state to be in.
Eighth paragraph. Hooray! I could start taking naps
in the afternoon. I like that idea! It's like an acceptable way
of doing nothing. But I am accomplishing something, because it means I can
go to bed later at night to make up for the extra sleep time. And that way
I can do more nighttime stuff like listen to music and get in some extra
CircleWalking. All in all its a real Reality Winner of an idea.
Man, I'd like to take a nap right now. Also, doesn't have to be
a real nap. Can just lie in bed for 2 hours without actually
falling asleep. I'd still consider that a nap in practice. Maybe not
abstractly a true nap, but I'd consider it napping if I truly just lie in bed
the whole time without doing anything.
I may not receive the benefits of having slept, but I
will receive the benefits of just taking 2 hours to, well, sort of
recharge? I don't know physiologically how beneficial it is but that's a
question for the physiologists should such a profession exist. I feel
like my life would be exponentially better if I was making my own ice in my
freezer. That, and having a job to support myself, living in my own
place, having a social life, and being in a relationship. But mainly
the ice. That's the key to a better life-- Ice!
Unless you're potentially an illegal immigrant. And, for Ice to consider
you potentially an illegal immigrant, basically that means you live somewhere in
America while being brown. That's all Ice needs, apparently, to feel
comfortable harassing you. Issues.
Abortion becoming illegal. Crappy Democrats
getting coverage for the 2020 primaries. No one in congress standing up to
Trump. Going to war with Iran. I think we could all
use a 2 hour nap, right? If I could have one wish, I'd wish we'd all just
take a 2 hour power nap and wake up refreshed and able to tackle all this
bullshit. Oh, right. Climate Change. The biggest
bullshit of 'em all. I don't know. I guess I'm done after this
paragraph. The good news is who cares, not anyone else, I barely do, so
that's great, just great. One piece of good news-- My Dad got me a gallon
tub of Diet Arizona Iced Tea, which tastes like Snapple, but with 0 calories
instead of 5. I don't know if I'd ever had Arizona Iced Tea before.
But it's good! It's totally calorie neutral! And it's my goal for my
iced tea to be calorie neutral by 2030! Gotta start planning now.
Anyway. We could be carbon neutral by 2030. Whose gonna stop us,
you? Why? What would be your motive? Anyway, I'll
see ya'll later.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
People Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Have Privacy
Another day, another title. Well,
maybe they should have privacy. But they won't! Hey, no
one forced them to live in a glass house. Unless its some sort of reality
show idea that no one bothered to bring to my attention. I like that
whistleblower whose unjustly in jail now Reality Winner. Because my
nickname for myself is Fantasy Loser. So, great, we'd have great
chemistry or something along those lines, I don't know. Havin' a pretty
cool lunch right now. A well stuffed sandwich with normal whole wheat
bread, some sliced processed turkey, and some sliced processed reduced fat
salami. And also one slice of Eggo Cinnamon Toast Waffle. It hits
all the sweet spots!
So, great, I got that going for me is the point. I'm
continuing experimenting with eating lunch in my room while doing something
else. So far, so good! So close, so terrible. Comedy
Class Session #2 was yesterday. Went alright. Opened with the bit
about the neighborhood being full of people harassing you to come to a comedy
show. And I was like, I'm conflicted, because part of me feels sympathy
for them because its so degrading, but another part of me realizes being them in
six months is my best case scenario in life. And then segue
into how I think they should have it reversed, like I said in a previous entry,
where there's 60 people in a dark room, and the guy comes in off the street
going I got one! and you gotta do 30 minutes.
Then I did just a random bit I thought of yesterday morning
which I originally just intended to put here on crazysheet but ended up using it
to pad my time. Something about how the phrase Preaching to the choir
is supposed to be a negative thing, but that's exactly who you should be
preaching to! Besides singing, they're there to hear you preach! You
go out on the street harassing strangers, trying to preach to people without
being invited, that's no good! In today's woke society, that's the
opposite of god! Leave spewing your bullshit to the choir and get off our
backs about it!
Then I still had some time left, so I did a little bit about
how I get embarrassed over these little things. Like, the diner down the
street, I had a few things to get to that embarrassed me within the span of 5
minutes, but I only got to the first one. Which is, I asked the guy at the
counter, can I use the bathroom? And he goes yeah, it's over
there. So I go there, try to open the door, it won't open. Figure
someone's in there. Five minutes pass and I start thinking, you know, I
bet no one's in there, I just didn't try opening the door well enough. Try
again. No success. Then, 10 minutes later, I think no way, I bet
if I try again, try real hard, I will open that door. And I did.
And the point is its all worthwhile because I got some classic comedy out of it.
The other two things that embarrassed me was I had ordered an
omelet and the guy was like you want the home fries and the toast? and I
was like nah don't need it. So I didn't get it. But then I
found out they charged me exactly the same amount as if I did get it.
If I knew that, I'd have fuckin' gotten the home fries and the toast! And
now worst of all I look like an idiot to him, forgoing food, he thinks I'm sort
of wasteful idiot! And the third thing is, I ordered the food from one
guy, then I have to walk a little bit to wait on line to pay some other guy.
And after waiting on line behind some people for 10, 15 minutes, I started not
being 100% sure I was waiting on line in the right place. I was pretty
sure. But I wanted to check just to make sure. And it turns out I
was right, I was in the right place, but by checking, it seemed like a real dick
move, like Just wait asshole there's people ahead of you what you think
you're special for some reason?
Well, yeah, but not
getting-food-before-other-people special. So the good news is I don't
know what else. The class culminates in a show on June 23, a Sunday.
Lemme know if you wanna come. It may be in the Afternoon, it may be in the
Evening! Anything goes! Also, after doing my 2 minutes, in the
people-react-to-me time, a girl asked has anyone ever told you you look like
Tobey Maguire? And I was like, Nope! But I'll take it!
Then someone was like yeah he looks like Peter Parker. Which is
even better! Looking like a successful actor who at times in his career
could be described as a teen heartthrob, and/or a legitimate Star Of Movie, but
someone thinking I look like Peter Parker himself is even better!
That dude's a genius with superpowers! Mary Jane loves him! Gwen
Stacy might too, even! Fuck actors, I wanna look like Peter Parker!
I didn't bring it up yesterday, but I've been
wondering if it could be a thing where I suck on a lollipop while doing my set.
It'll taste great and it'll provide an interesting prop to use to help
accentuate things and what not. I take it out to make a point.
Wiggle it at the audience a bit. Take a real big suck. Lots
of fun stuff you could do. Plus, you're engaging your taste-sense, gotta
imagine that'll take the edge off, right? I don't know. Got some
beer at the drug store last night. Like an 18 pack of regular small sized
cans. Figure I'll have one now. Maybe another one later. And
maybe another one after that! That'd probably be it, though.
Eighth paragraph already? How about that. I
guess. I was gonna start this beer as I started the entry. Haven't
even opened it yet! Too busy writing bullplop. Oh wait I did open
it. I just haven't taken a sip yet. Writing this entry while
facing East. I had a crazy idea to write this on my nightstand, facing
West, which I've never done before. But I was eating lunch during starting
this, and I wouldn't have been able to fit both the laptop and a plate on that.
So, maybe next time, we'll see how that goes. Sorry about the phrase
bullplop. I've never used it or been exposed to it in real life but I
feel like I've seen it in books. Probably young adult novels from my past.
I don't think it shows up in many sophisticated books ya heard.
I think it's probably a universal phenomena that slang words
for, let's generalize them by saying bathroom words that you didn't
personally grow up with sound extremely gross. Plop, for example.
Sounds gross to me, I never used it. Poop. Everyone uses poop
nowadays because of the internet, it's a good word to use on the internet.
But I never used to it as a kid. I should try to think of a third
word for this bit. Rule of threes! Also, let me make the
exact opposite point because I have no commission to this premise. BM.
When I was very young, my mom used to call poop a BM (Bowel Movement.) And
at the time, great, served its purpose, it refers to it without being gross.
But I've hardly ever heard that since turning 10, so now if you said to me
I'm gonna make a BM it'd probably vomit or something. Hah.
Commission. That's what passes for comedy these days.
Anyway, jeez, where are we. I've been watching Duckman
during my morning exercise. Figured the time for waiting is over, now is
the time for action! And, also, it's not that great, I'm not losing
that much by not watching it while getting a second hand marijuana high.
10th paragraph. Maybe take my afternoon walk after this paragraph.
I can dag that! Leave this can of beer half full. Really stretch it
out and whatnot. I never had a stretch Armstrong doll. Not 100% sure
what that teaches kids. Everything exists to teach someone something.
That's the lens through which I choose to see the world this paragraph!
No I Didn't
Alright, Part II Of The Entry: The Partening.
Been doing pretty good in poker lately in the sense that I'm winning money but
bad in the sense that I have been unable to stop playing poker. Well, not
completely, at least. I'm playing maybe 5, 10% the amount of time I had
been playing for several months. But I wanna stop completely! Just
get that monkey off my back. Sure I know how to misuse phrases, get off my
back about it. You monkey, you. Well, now seems like as a good a
time as any-- I'm gonna tell you the sitcom I wanted to write half a year
ago. The New Monkees. And it's an updated version of The Monkees.
And it's like a comedy variety show within a sitcom. There's The New
Monkees show within the show, and the show itself, about the making of the show,
is also The New Monkees. And I got 50% done with four or five songs for
it, had a bunch of notes, had all the main characters mapped out, had an entire
season's arc planned out, had about 5-15 pages of the pilot written. Then
just dropped the project completely like a hot potato. Ouch! Too
hot! I'd like to eat this potato later but I gotta get it out of my hands
now. So I won't eat ya later potato, you're Ground Potato now.
So that's how life goes if you ever wanna try to do
something worthwhile. The closer you get, the further you are. Hey
what else is going on. One of the main problems is I've never seen an
episode of The Monkees and was basically just operating under assumptions
of what it was like. I know 3 or 4 of their songs! But, sure, yeah,
I don't know. I kinda felt like that was an asset, not a problem. So
I wouldn't feel constricted to copy the formula exactly. Just do an
updated version of something that may or may not have ever existed in the first
place. It coulda been good. Too big a project to do for one
person, though. I'm only One New Monkee! I need three others to do
it with me in theory and probably in practice. Such is life. Also,
sure I would play one of the New Monkees. The main one. My Show, My
Decision! Alright, one more inside scoop-- my character's name was
Iamb St. Marks.
Iamb pronounced like, "E-Umb." So I got that going
for me. Or, I would have, in an alternate universe where I had three
friends who wanted to do something worthwhile with their lives. Instead of
the zero friends who all are satisfied not even existing at all in the first
place. What else is going on. To write or create
the show, it doesn't need to be me with the other 3 New Monkees. The main
character, actually, is a female writer. Who pitched the show
absentmindedly to a network and for some reason we don't know for sure they
liked the idea and decided to more or less just put her in charge. Even
though she's very young and has no experience at all or any insight whatsoever
into New Monkee-ism. It's an ensemble cast but, at least in the pilot,
she's the general focus. Her name is Daisy Bundt. Prove me
Look, I can tell you the other half a dozen main
characters' names, but I gotta keep some stuff in my back pocket to keep
you interested! It could be one of those shows where each episode has the
center of narrative vaguely on a rotating basis. Of the 8 or whatever main
characters, each show is someone else's point of view. Or, stick with
Daisy. I like Daisy! What's your problem with Daisy you jerks?
Anyway, that's enough about that for now. What paragraph are we into?
14. That means six more to go after this one theoretically and most likely
in practice. Only one way to find out! Continue advancing into the
future at roughly the same rate I have been lately the past few months or so.
15th paragraph. I guess. The New Monkees
isn't entirely a new idea for me. Back in NYU, I had an idea to make
The New Monkees as a movie and also it was a zombie movie for some reason.
I didn't have much plotted out beyond those two premises. The New Monkees
+ There's Zombies. Anyway, what else is going on. Man, here I am,
toiling away week after week on a nonsense website, when I could be making
the seminal TV show of my generation. Oh well what can ya
do. Such is life I guess! One part of writing the pilot that made me
the most proud of myself was writing the opening, introductory skit of the
show-within-the-show. That's the part where I realized hey I kinda know
what I'm doing here.
Anyway, what else is going on. Five paragraphs
to go. Now let's put that silliness behind us. And move into
nonsense. Silliness has an odor of self delusion. Nonsense is just
being wrong in general. I prefer nonsense to silliness, I don't feel quite
so bad about being nonsensical as I would about being silly. Meh, this
entry has had a solid beginning, middle, and end. No need to prolong it
anymore, I'll finish it after this paragraph. So, anyway, I don't know,
what else do I got in store for today. Jerk off metaphorically for the
next few hours. Not literally! I wouldn't share that with
you. It would be rude. So, no, just metaphorically doing stuff in
the near future! Rest assured! Which is the best way to rest.
You know what happens when you rest assured, right? You make an ass out
of you and red. See ya later.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
This Is a Title, Am I Right?
Probably! Hello friends and
enemies, here to write a new entry. So far, so good! Everything has
been actual words in sequences that are as close to coherent sentences as you're
gonna get to these days anyway what else goes on huh. It's probably not a
good sign of a healthy mind to be constantly not able to write logical sequences
of words. That's my hot take best guess! Oh well what can ya do.
So, anyway, what else. I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time--
eat a meal while I'm writing an entry. We have a guest downstairs-- not
gonna say who!-- so I brought up my lunch to my room like a Herman's Hermit.
It's 2/3rds of a burrito bowl! One burrito bowl is too much! Half of
one is too little! I get two burrito bowls at a time now and eat 2/3rds
three days in a row! If you have a better way to utilize math to improve
your lunches I'd like to hear it!
So, sure, anyway, what else is going on. I'll give you
a hint about who the house guest is-- it's not Sinbad. I know
that's what you all were assuming. Been binge watching The Critic during
my morning exercising the last couple of days. It's good because I can
watch it every 8 months (2/3rds a year-- it's the magic ratio!) and its good
enough to entertain me and its not so long a series that it takes too long but
its long enough a series that its long enough. Also the hero is a short
30's aged Jewish guy. Remind you of anyone? Not me, I'm drawing a
blank. Which I believe is what Barry Lyndon would have said after he
thought he shot the guy who married his cousin but he didn't know at the time he
was shooting blanks but in retrospect he can come to terms with that he drew a
blank and it was all a scam to get him to leave town.
Moral of the story? Don't fall in love with your
cousin! And, if you do-- make your intentions known as soon as possible!
Get in there while you've still got a shot! For some reason I always
considered Barry Lyndon to be one of my favorite movies. I guess a big
part of it was just that I was a nerd in high school, and thought myself
somewhat of a film nerd, and it just seemed like a relatively obscure Kubrick
movie, so it kinda fit naturally to be one of my favorite films. But I
think I also gravitated to how it's just about this guy's life, he's not really
a great person, kind of a dick, and not a lot really happens in the movie,
drama-wise. He sort of goes through a The-Rise-And-Fall-Of-Barry-Lyndon
type arc, but, you know, its just a sequence of crap that happens. So,
basically, the story of my life.
And since its Kubrick, obviously its beautifully shot and
whatnot. I also like the soundtrack. Some real charming 1700's type
music and whatnot. Anyway, what else is going on. Don't you see,
it was fate that I would use the phrase Drawing a Blank so I could go on
that rant about liking some movie! It brought us closer together!
I guess. Anyway, what else is going on. My Dad needs a blood
transfusion once a month because he's got some blood disease. The person
downstairs is his nurse that administers it. Takes about four or five
hours once a month. That settles that mystery! Now, onto the
mystery of Drawing a Blank. Was it fate? Serendipity?
Or even some sort of cosmic joke or mistake? I guess we'll never know for
sure. [Edit-- my Dad doesn't need Blood Transfusions. He just needs
some sort of injection or something, sure, but not a blood transfusion.
just wanted to clear that up. and now I did. Hey whats going on.
its me from the future! or, everything else is me from the past.
hmm. hows that working out for you.]
Hey great how's that working out for you. What
paragraph is this, fourth? Nope-- Fifth! Comedy Class Session
#2 of 6 is in 2 days and I still don't know what to do with my required 2
minutes. Have gone through several ideas but don't have any jokes yet.
Right now my theory is just continue the narrative already begun last week and
go so I noticed you laughed when I said I lived with my parents. Why.
... ... ... ... I have no jokes about that-- I just want to know.
Explain it to me you assholes. TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY. I'M NOT HERE TO
BE FUNNY I'M HERE FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY. GET TALKIN' OR I AIN'T
SITTIN' DOWN, I'LL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT IF I HAVE TO. I guess I could just
use it as segue like so, I see you like to laugh at my misfortune.
Here's some more ways I have been less than fortunate in my life! But
I can't think of pursuing that riff without remembering Kevin Hart's special
title Laugh at My Pain. Why oh why did I have to read that book!
He already used that title, laugh at my pain. That means, from now on, no
one doing comedy can ever do riffs that are based on that basic universal
premise! Whatta jip! But such is life, oh well. Once you title
something you own it. Why do you think I'm writing titles all the time?
I'm hoarding all the titles! You'd do it too if you were me!
Sixth paragraph. I'm really digging eating lunch while
writing this. And I'm really digging in to lunch. With a
fork. It's like miniature digging food. Huh. And this
is the perfect lunch to do it, cause even just 2/3rds of a burrito bowl takes a
long time to eat. It's not over in 10 bites. I started eating at the
beginning of this entry and I still have like a third left! A third of the
2/3rds. That's 1/6th of an entire burrito bowl for references' sake!
Cool! Wait, is that right? Meh, close enough. I
guess, ultimately, me getting a laugh on a laugh at my pain type riff was
unconsciously set into motion months ago when I read the Kevin Hart book.
It's no coincidence I ended up using that type of riff to get a laugh. I
had no idea I was following in Kevin Hart's footsteps but I did nonetheless.
Hmm. Better read a book by a better comedian-- and fast!
Too bad George Carlin never wrote an autobiography.
I have two or four books of his that are just random jokes, mostly from his
stand up, but no autobiography as far as I know. George Carlin was pretty
much my window into taking comedy seriously as well as fantasizing about doing
it. When Napster came out and everyone else was using it to share Linkin
Park songs, I was using it to discover George Carlin specials and I got hooked
on that. Sure I also downloaded a dozen Linkin Park songs, what am I
supposed to do, not like Linkin Park? I'm a depressed eleven
year old middle class white boy, I'm gonna like Linkin Park! But not
tell anyone I like Linkin Park. Or even admit it to myself! No One
To this day, I have no idea how much this is true,
but for some reason at the time of Napster, I was led to believe that Linkin
Park was formed by some corporate masterminds or something. Like, the band
didn't come about organically, but was just a scheme cooked up by the music
industry. That's probably why I wouldn't own up to digging the dozen songs
I dag. Also, past tense for dig? Dag. Prove me wrong!
Eighth paragraph. And still eating lunch! I don't believe how
long this lunch is lasting me. Frankly, I'm blown away by the length of
this lunch. Not the length of this paragraph, though, so much. Kinda
a scam ending this paragraph this early.
OH well what can ya do. Capitalize an extra
letter by mistake but sticking with it-- that's one way to go about your
business. Hmm, sounds like its raining outside. Hopefully that ends
soon, or its not too bad, cause I gotta be taking a walk sometime soon!
Maybe finish this entry first, probably not though. The point is I Forget
But Let's Just Start Over As If The Point Was Pointed And Now There's New Points
To Point. If it wasn't raining right now, I'd be thinking, yeah,
probably take a walk after the 10th paragraph. Finish eating right around
then, nice round number to take a break at. Hmm, interesting news-- in
9 minutes, it will turn from rain into light rain. Perfect!
I can write another paragraph and prepare for Walk in 9 minutes!
So, sure, I got that going on. Haven't even
finished lunch yet. I can leave over rice. Holy Fuck leaving food
from a meal over? I forgot that was even a possibility! I guess
when you take a long time to eat a meal you actually do become full!
They've always told me that, take a long time to eat, but I never thought it was
based on a true story! Wait a minute just because it turns to light rain
in 7 minutes doesn't mean I need to take the walk exactly then.
Hmm. I guess it all depends on when it will then turn back from light rain
into rain. I'll go check! Aww man the light rain doesn't even last 20
minutes. Anyway this is what life is like in the 21st century.
What a supreme disappointment. Alright, if I wait an hour and a half to
walk, no rain. So that settles that.
Which means I'm fuckin' stuck here for the rest of the entry.
I need breaks! Theoretically! But, nope, its just not in the cards
today. So, uh. How you doin? Pretty happy with the entry so
far. Got to make some laugh-em-ups, honest confessions about myself, made
ya think about some of the bigger issues. It's all been a very positive
experience for the most part until the last few paragraphs but hey, what can ya
do. What else. Next week will be precisely a year since I started
dieting and improving my life HealthWise. Pretty much reached the weight I
set out to, but am still dieting to lose weight because I feel like it get off
my back about it. Haven't smoked a cigarette in six weeks.
Exercising my ass off (true story!).
The real worst part about it is that every day is
conceptualized as the beginning of the next phase. Every single thing I do
is under the auspice of this is a good routine to start. For
example, eating lunch in my room while writing an entry. Should I do
this every day? Or I do 25 sets of push-up/sit-ups instead of 20.
Well this is what I'm gonna be aiming for every day! I mean, I do
still just do things day-by-day, but there's some level of discomfort to be
doing that. I'm forever on the search for the perfect routine that just
doesn't exist and even if it did I wouldn't have the discipline to actually
stick to. And I shouldn't have to! Don't fuckin' do the same thing
every day! In terms of diet and exercise, I guess it's good if you wanna
be healthy, I guess, but it'll drive ya crazy.
Perfect. I guess it's also sort of just training
myself to prepare for an actual job. Knowing I can follow a daily routine
that structures most of my day is pretty much just getting ready for the
inevitable 9-5 ya heard. So, sure, great, what else is going on. The
point is this lunch took me an hour to eat. So, anything else that happens
today, the lunch was a great success. 13th paragraph. I
think I'm just gonna stop at 15 paragraphs. Maybe that's a new routine
to get into. Hmm, I need a new routine for Tuesday. Just a 2
minute routine, but a new routine nonetheless. And another thing-- there's
a Fountains of Wayne song titled New Routine! It always comes
back to Fountains of Wayne, doesn't it.
Well, this time, at least. And if future entries
are anything like this one, which I'm banking on, yeah, probably every
entry will include a reference to Fountains of Wayne near the end of the entry.
It worked today so let's just plan on what happened today to continue happening,
day-in day-out, for all of time. The point is great really almost
done with the entry now. The song New Routine isn't Comedy Themed,
sorta a coincidence it lends itself to possibly being about comedy routines.
But there is a Fountains of Wayne song called Comedienne which
is comedy themed. So there's that. Is that anything?
No? It's a song, though, right? I mean, it might not mean anything
here, but its a good song. I like listening to it!
Cool! Last paragraph and whatnot.
Alright I'm just gonna take a walk after this paragraph. Rain or Light
Rain be damned! Also, get an iced coffee or something! I've earned
it on account of not accidentally ending my life or something! I figure
every day I haven't mistakenly fallen down a sewer or something is a win in my
book. I wonder if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ever met Bane's Army
from The Dark Knight Rises and if either of them ever met the guy from Invisible
Man at the end. Also, there's a scene in the wrestling movie
Ready To Rumble where a guy falls down a sewer. Ghostbusters II. I
could go on and on. But it would upset people who want to stop reading
this. So I'll see ya later is the point.
Friday, May 10, 2019
That's What They Want You To Think
Hmm, should probably think it then.
They know best! What's going on back to back days with entries lets
get it goin'. Gonna consume the 2nd beer can I got yesterday that I ended
up not consuming. Now let's get into some funny business. I've
become a real fan of Revive: Fruit Punch: The Vitamin Water Zero
Flavor. When Vitamin Water first came out I was strictly an Energy
flavor guy-- that's the lemonade. Then I branched out into also being all
about Rise, which is orange. Now, Fruit Punch has completed that
holy trinity of Best Vitamin Water Zero Flavors. I feel very strongly
about this and if you'd like to continue this discussion you can e-mail me at
I assume there are bing.com e-mail addresses.
It's already egregious enough they're a search engine, might as well have e-mail
addresses, too. Hey you know that thing Google is? Sure!
And Yahoo! Yup! Ask.com? I see where
you're going with this... You want to start up a new thing that's exactly like
those existing ones but if anything somehow worse! Let's get it
goin'! And that's how tech start ups are born. The
unnecessary fairy delivers them whenever an idea is re-born. Huh what
else is going on. Got my contacts on today. That's how I feel
about things. I had to re-arrange my DVDs today, only a couple of weeks
after doing it extensively. Already had to go through the whole process
again. I had The Matrix: Revolutions ahead of The Matrix: Reloaded.
Had to switch 'em up once I noticed. So that took four hours but I
think it was worth it.
For some reason I used to be really into the final fight
sequence at the end of The Matrix Revolutions. Where Keanu Reeves and Mr.
Smith have their final battle. It's not that great a fight sequence
compared to other fight sequences in that trilogy. It's not that
insightful an ending our anything. But I just really digged it in high
school. The movies after the 1st one were no good, but I'd sometimes just
load up the ending to Revolutions to watch that shit. Anyway Mr. Smith is
a metaphor for Jesus lets talk about it. Everyone thinks Keanu Reeves is
Jesus but they've got it twisted. That's how I feel about things and I
don't care enough to have a discussion with you about it but I'll just leave
that thought there for you to discover on your own time.
Jeez. I feel bad for bing.com that it shows up behind
Binghamton University when binging Bing. When your search engine
isn't even the top result on your search engine for its name that's a sign
you've got a bad search engine. Or, maybe not. Maybe it's a
sign that your search engine is extremely honest about its search engine
rankings and maybe we shouldn't hold that against you but rather celebrate it.
I've given people a lot to think about for some reason, what else is going on
and crap. Bing isn't a good search engine because it doesn't lend itself
to being a verb like google. You can't go binging something cause then
people will be questioning your dietary habits. Wait, binging can
be an internet thing. As in, 'I'm binging this show or something.'
So I can go I'm gonna go binging The Cleveland Show and you're like
that'll take weeks and its not that great a show don't do it! And I'll
be like what are you talking about I can do it in 30 seconds and see what the
show is all about. Classic Internet Misunderstanding.
Can't go Yahooing. Anyway, I don't know, this whole
entry is no good. Maybe you can go Yahooing. Microsoft FrontPage
accepts Yahooing as a word. I'm scared hold me. I
had no idea I lived in a universe where Yahooing is actually a word. Now I
question everything! Oh, is it like the word Yahoooo! to express
joy or pleasure? And yahooing is... well... exclaiming Yahoo!?
That term has fallen out of favor so that explains why it didn't make sense to
me at first. Get off my back about it! I've got a bone to pick with
google because you can google crazysheet and click page after page till your
hearts content and you will never come across crazysheet.net. Other
search engines, you google plain ol, "crazysheet," this website is the first
thing that comes up. Google? Totally ignores it. Seems like
some sort of conspiracy and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it believe you me!
I mean, Hey You-- Believe me!
You can google, "Crazysheet net," and it'll
come up but whose got the time for that? No one, that's who! Shut up
is the point get off people's backs for some reason. I'm old enough to
remember when Yahoo was the premium search engine and Google was the new kid on
the block and I was all like Hah, google, that's never gonna take off.
People know Yahoo. People trust Yahoo. I'm a Yahoo man now
and forever. Plus, they have fantasy baseball! That seals the deal,
Yahoo is king. I think this line of reasoning was when I was in middle
school. Sixth or seventh grade. I specifically remember thinking it
in Home Room. My mind works in mysterious ways for some reason.
And of course this was when Ask.com was still AskJeeves.com. And it was a
real charming gimmick-- no one used it-- but it was cute to just know it
JEEVES, GET IN HERE. I'VE GOT AN INTERNET QUESTION.
YOU'RE AN INTERNET GUY, ANSWER MY INTERNET QUESTION. Anyway, what else
is going on. I think the premise of AskJeeves is a little off.
No one has their servant's main quality that they can answer obscure questions.
People who have real-life-Jeeves don't use their Jeeves to direct them on
services a search engine can provide. It's more like get get me more
milk Jeeves or jerk me off Jeeves and wear that Scream Mask while you do
it or Jeeves my wife returned from the dead again I'm gonna need you to
throw her back into her now-open-again grave. It's never Jeeves
tell me more about the nutritional value of almond milk. That's not
what real life Jeeveses' are for. Two of those things involved milk.
Hmm. How about that.
Anyway, where am I. Eighth paragraph, hey, that's
great. And Jeeves goes I keep telling you, your wife isn't dead, just
because you throw her into an open grave doesn't mean she's dead, the reason she
keeps 'returning from the dead' is just because she's alive and keeps climbing
out of that hole! And you're all like you think you know Jeeves but
do you? Do you really? Anyway, what else is going on.
Shouldn't Jeeves be considered sort of a racial slur against butlers and
servants? You say Hey Jeeves Get In Here and he's like My name
is Clyde and you're like You're all Jeeveses to me! He can then
sue you and then you'd have to become his butler! I saw a
Seinfeld-within-a-Seinfeld about it sort of. Meh.
Am I wrong, or did The Simpsons invent the word Meh?
I feel like it was born from the dialogue where Lisa is like we're the MTV
generation, we feel neither highs nor lows, and someone-- I'm guessing Marge
Simpson-- is like so how's that? And Lisa goes Meh. I
mean, I know about Eh. I'm sure Eh was a thing forever. But I
believe Lisa goes Meh and that may have been revolutionary.
Either way, it's a perfectly cromulent word. What else is going on.
It was weird to read the Guided By Voices book and see the occasional reference
to MTV and come to the realization that MTV actually used to have something to
do with music. I mean I knew that cognitively but I never really was able
to process it on a human level.
I kinda miss the show Next! That's the one where
they're on a bus and they follow someone else on a bus and then the person
rejects other people and cash is exchanged. I think I kinda hate-watched
it as a teenager but now that its gone it would hit some sort of nostalgia sweet
spot to see it again. Main reason I didn't like it-- I'm sure it's
happened more than once that a girl sees a guy under 5'7 start walking up to her
and she just goes NEXT and the guy gets one dollar and a lifetime
of shame and humiliation for his trouble. Anyway, time for part II of the
Don't Be a Dumby
I insist on spelling Dumby the
non-socially acceptable way! Consequences be damned! So what else is
going on is the point. Oh here's the point-- gonna take a walk now.
Break up the entry into two halves the right way. Be back soon!
WTF JSUT HAPPEND TO THE FONT RMASF rHey I'm
back from the walk. How 'bout that. I'm not feelin' great today.
I had a beer earlier, I did my RoomWalkin before that. Saw Contact Lens
'Doctor' as a check-up to make sure everything was working optimally optically
and now don't have to see him for another year. So the point is today is
full of Endings and Beginnings. It's Ending for me seeing this contact
lens liason. I'll always have the memories we shared, like the 90% of the
time I interacted with him all up in my grill presumably to study my eyes.
And beginnings, because.. uh... I started... this entry! This entry didn't
exist yesterday. And now it almost does! Wild!
Hey hey what can I do. That used to be one of my
favorite songs in high school. The Led Zeppelin song with that name.
I've mentioned before how I used to imagine my life being a movie [not that I
thought my life was a movie, just that I would imagine one day making a
movie based on my life and expropriating real life into forming a movie],
specifically to the soundtrack of certain songs. I had a fantasy of me
walking in a circle in my room, walking around a deskchair that spins, and I'm
spinning it while walking around it, and that's the trailer, and Led Zeppelin's
Hey Hey What Can I Do is playing over it. It's part of a larger montage.
But that's the part I had plotted out. So, sure, great, high school wasn't
a total waste. Now I have what could be 2 seconds of a trailer of a movie
of my life from 15 years ago but also I need to convince Led Zeppelin to agree
to have their music show up in my movie while they're well known to not license
out their music for that kind of thing so I've got my work cut out for me.
Hmm... Hey what else is going on. 12th
paragraph? 13? Hey it's 13! I'm so happy! I was taking
my walk just now and it occurred to me that The Last House on the Left
could use some serious re-branding as The First House on the Right.
That seems a lot more positive and upbeat, right? Like no rape or murders
ever took place at all! I wasn't thinking of the Rape And Murder movie
randomly. That's not the kind of thing that occupies me. It's
cause my actual house is the last house on the left. Well, or,
like I say, the first house on the right. Anyway, jeez, crap and crap.
I also live in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but that's another story for another
Jeez. Gonna get some pizza later. Ya'll don't
even know. You can't know. It's pizza but the way I do pizza you
have no point of reference for how much I get out of pizza. Just trust me
and trust that I do pizza right. I started jerking off to my computer
sometimes over the past few weeks after almost exclusively using my phone for
pornography for a really long time. It's weird and I don't like it.
The porn is too prominent up on the big screen! It's more intimate on the
phone. Anyway these are the real issues that effect me day to day and I'd
be remiss to not bring it up.
Hmm. 15th paragraph. I'm not 100%
comfortable with how ubiquitous saying pornhub has become in terms of
referring off handedly to online pornography. How did they culturally
conquer the other million sites to become an easy reference? And do they
deserve such a high honor? I don't know, but these are the questions that
we need to be asking as a society. I feel like a whole new world
has opened up to me from a few weeks ago when they accidentally got my pizza
order wrong, and instead of giving me 2 slices with the 2 separate toppings for
each like I meant to order, they gave me 2 slices with both toppings on each.
I mean, I knew theoretically it was possible to have multiple toppings on a
single slice. God knows I've done it many times in the past. But in
my current incarnation of eating pizza, the last couple of years, I wouldn't
dare go there-- it's a lot of money to have multiple toppings per slice!
But once I tasted it-- oh, boy, is it worth it. Now I'm getting 2 toppings
per slice on purpose, and it's expensive, but wow, what an experience!
Hmm. 16th paragraph! 75% done and whatnot.
Playing a little bit of poker here and there. I'm at a bankroll level
where I'd be happy to withdraw all I got. But I'm also at a level where I
currently am stuck without withdrawing it and resort to playing a little bit
here and there out of boredom so oh well what can ya do. I've noticed on
my walk I walk by a tree and someone set up a birdhouse against the trunk of the
tree and a relatively short branch. Why. Birds are doing
okay. They don't need your bullshit house! Leave them alone and
they'll survive okay they don't need your bullshit neo liberal bleeding heart
bullshit useless birdhouse. If you really wanna help them let the birds
unionize and then maybe they can take care of themselves. I don't know
what I mean. The point is Neoliberal=bad but for not exactly
the reasons I implied. Sorry to mislead you.
Great! 17th paragraph! Now get off my back
about it! Neo Liberal. Mr Smith Conservative. That's
one way to interpret The Matrix. Why in the Hell did Neo have to kill Mr
Smith by jumping into him in the first place. If only he had killed him in
a more conventional way the next 2 movies wouldn't even need to happen.
I think. I haven't watched any of those movies in at least a decade.
But that's my memory. Neo jumps into the computer algorithm to kill him
and then the computer algorithm becomes magic because of it. I think The
Matrix should join forces with Fight Club as very popular movies from just
before the turn of the century which they don't show on TV often presumably
because they're trying to build a lasting legacy where watching them means
something. Hmm. I guess you could add Freddy Got Fingered to
that duo. What else is on Google.
Three paragraphs to go you assholes. Cool!
Been writing this entry while facing South. That's today in a nutshell.
Always with the facing south today. Oh well, that's cool, I can dig it.
The point is I wrote an entry today and that's more than I could have said had I
not written an entry today. Toppings 4 today -- ankovees & meschroams.
I don't know why. Don't ask me why I did that. I don't know.
Can't we all just move on with our lives? No need to dwell on that
unpleasantness. Really. Anyway, jeez, entry getting close to
being done with ya heard. Also I'm a big fan of the crushed red pepper.
I think my relationship with crushed red pepper started around middle school,
not that far off from when I was considering different search engines. I
found I like them crushed red pepper flakes. Yep. Yup.
Penultimate paragraph! I've always been kind of a hot
sauce poser. In theory I'm the kinda guy that's like Yep i like stuff
hot mmm give me some of that heat. But in practice, I'm more often
than not like nah that's too hot-- not flavorful!-- you say hot but
c'mon no one likes it that hot. Oh well at least I'm coming to terms
with this duplicity now rather than later in life when its too late to do
anything about it. Is that what duplicity means. Seems about
right, right? I'm gonna stick with saying duplicity. It's a
nice word and I think, even if its being misused, adds to the overall quality of
Alright we be done more or less. Whattado after this
entry. Started watching Once Upon a Time in America earlier today.
Still got about 4 hours of that movie left to watch. It's a long
one! But I like it because it's about Jews and I'm one of those types of
things theoretically and in practice more or less! Is it just me or is the
phrase Once Upon a Time completely meaningless? Who the hell came
up with that random combination of words and why do we all act like it makes any
sense? Anyway the point is I'm done here and I apologize in theory for the
D- Entry but in practice too bad I'll see ya later.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Turns Out Comedy Is Supposed To Be Jokes
That's not what I've been led to believe, but
sure, I'm open to adjusting my interpretations of things. Had 1st
session of comedy class a few days ago. It was great. Real fun,
teacher was taking it seriously, other classmates were taking it seriously.
I have no complaints except for the time I didn't get a standing ovation for
delivering my 2 minutes. But, oh well, I guess there being room for
improvement in audience's response is necessary if I wanna get even better.
Anyway, gonna write an entry today-- but you probably figured that out already,
haven't you? You genius, you. Hey, me genius, too! Lets form
some sort of club.
Anyway, apparently I was taking notes during the class, which
is good, because re-reading the notes now, I completely didn't register One
Thing the teacher advised us. It's good stuff, I'm not saying it was
worthless. I'm just saying my guttural reaction to everything she said was
yeah of course that's obvious I already know this and potentially everything
about everything we're just going through the motions of you saying this and me
writing it down. And now, re-reading it, it's like, oh so this is
what's important, this is what we need to focus on, etc. So the point
is thank god for notes.
But, for the most part, I feel like most of the learning was
through osmosis. It wasn't so much what was said as much as it was
watching the other people go up, getting whatever reaction(s) they get and I got
from myself, seeing how the teacher acts, how she interacts with my classmates,
and so on and whatnot. I figure it's kind of like jazz. I'm learning
about comedy from all the comedy learnings that's aren't being said.
I knew Jazz would pay off eventually! Up until now its been completely
worthless. And now, suddenly, it offers itself up as a metaphor for
something and all is redeemed in my eyes. Sure I had Supermarket Sushi for
lunch today nobody's gonna tell me what to eat for lunch. Unless
Teacher tells me what good ComedyFood is. I'll eat that I guess. Pot
committed to doing what Teacher says at this point.
Anyway, I had to go up first for my 2 minutes for some
reason. My best guess is that I was the first person to register for the
class and thus I have to do everything first from now on. It's all good,
though, I was 80% prepared. Did my little bit about how I wanted to knock
it out of the park initially with being funny and insightful, and then realizing
how presumptuous that was. Then I did a bit about how in no other
profession is it okay to carry around a notebook to guide you. You don't
want to be getting prepped for surgery and the doctor comes in with a textbook
going Great! This is covered in chapter 17, and guess what, I got it
all highlighted from last time I read it, this should be cake!
Then I just closed it up by saying I'm just gonna blaze
through some facts about me. My name is Mike, I graduated from college a
couple of years ago I'm thirty, and I live with my parents. That was
the biggest laugh I got. I live with my parents. Hmm...
I'll take it! And then during Teachers comments she said something about
how me living with my parents was indeed a highlight of my set. Hmm.
I guess I have to re-evaluate what's funny in life. Well, live and
learn, that's what I'm taking the class for. Was it sort of a "And I
Live In A Van Down By The River" Vibe? Now that I think about it, that
sort of might have been the cadence at which I was speaking. And I may
have also mentioned not having a job. So, yeah, that might have been what
Anyway, I need to have another 2 minutes prepared for next
class, and this time around I really am gonna talk a bit about my mental
illness. Let's take this personal crap to the next level! She did
say last class (I know, because it's in my notes!) something about if you're
Bipolar, talk about being Bipolar. I'm not Bipolar. but I am
schizoaffective. And today I had the idea of saying I'm a 21st century
schizoaffective man. But I don't 100% get that reference, and
there's no guarantee over 50% will over 75% get that reference. But,
either way, I do have about 80% of a 2 minute riff on my illness already
prepared for when I was thinking about doing it for this previous class.
So I'm ahead of the curve! Thank god! Crossing curves is fun and
I've got all the curve crossing to look forward to! I'm gonna swerve a
bit-- not too much! Just enough to enjoy myself!
What paragraph are we into. Also pretty happy with the
demographics of the rest of the class. Probably two thirds female,
probably three fourths in their 20s or 30s. Those are numbers I can dig
because I like being around those types of people it's fun for me. I am
just being honest. Also, everyone seems real chill, there to take being
funny seriously, and so on and whatnot so sure it's all great I guess get off my
back about it. What paragraph are we into. I never answered
myself. Seventh? Already? I haven't even said anything yet.
That's not supposed to happen.
Maybe the best part of the whole deal was there's a great
little dinner right near the rehearsal space and I went there and there's all
sorts of great diner and bakery options. I may have only been 90%
satisfied with the class, which is still very good, but I was 100% satisfied
with the diner. So I got that going for me is the point. Here's the
note I wrote down in regards to what Teacher said about my 2 minutes, probably
what she said verbatim-- "Stuff about being 30, living w/ parents was good."
There was no, "Stuff," about it. That's literally just what
I said verbatim! I think so, at least. Maybe I said some
hilarious stuff that I don't remember. Anyway, like I said, live and
learn, I'll take it!
Cool. Also, presumably she used the word, "With," which
I transcribed as, "W/." We can't be sure because that moment has come and
gone and there's no way to travel back in time to find out. So we'll never
really know for sure but at least I learned an important lesson which is take
more precise notes so I won't have to deal with this confusion ever again.
Jeez. What else. Having some Day Beers today. So far, just
one! Maybe later, two! Anyway, jeez. Even more exciting, at
the bottom of all the notes I took for class, I apparently wrote a dozen song
titles in a drunken stupor. I got a beer on the LIRR ride home. I
wasn't really drunk, but I don't remember doing it, so, yeah, sure, you
get the idea.
Anyway, paragraphs come and go. And this one is the
tenth. I counted several times just to be sure. Only the best from
this website! You'll always know what paragraph you're up to!
I know my audience and what they prioritize! It's you. And
you care about what huh how many fucking paragraphs are we through at
this exact moment. Well, now that all that's settled, let's move
on with the rest of the entry. Guess this time around there's an exact
partition between part I and part II. Part II was comedy class stuff.
The upcoming part II will be non-comedy class stuff. But first, first,
first I need to finish this paragraph. Hey I just did it. Well,
now at least I did. Have a good life.
How's Your Life Been
You know, I can't complain. A surgeon
removed my complainer glands. Real sad story. So, anyway, back to
crazysheet, huh? Let's get on with it, then. Finished that short
book that talks about comedy philosophically and abstractly. Apparently,
when Mr. T was saying I pity the fool, he was assuming a very
Shakespearian mindset and so Mr. T pitying the (comic) fool is actually high art
and he should have won some sort of Oscar or Nobel peace prize for it.
Nobel Peace Prize, definitely, I think, cause not only is it culturally
important to pity the fool, but the pity he shows for fools can only help to
bring about peace and love in this world. We should all pity fools as much
as Mr. T is the point.
The really sad, ironic twist is that people of my generation
and younger probably inadvertently consider Mr. T to be a fool and worthy of
pity. This gimmick guy, I recognize his gimmick as a cultural
touchstone but I have no idea what it actually means. Kind of a fool for
relying on a catchphrase that seems to mean nothing. And, being a woke
member of Generation Y through Alpha, I choose to pity him and his self imposed
misfortune. It's like a Twilight Zone ending for Mr. T. All the
pitying fools and then suddenly everyone pities him for being a fool.
That's the stuff of nightmares, is it not?
13th paragraph! Wonderful. Can I do my 2
minutes on Mr. T.? I probably could but I don't wanna! That's
not being honest about me. That's another thing Teacher was talking about.
Just make it as much about you as you can, firstly so that no one can steal your
jokes. As long as its about you, can't be stolen! Not exactly my
worst fear, though, to be honest. I'm smart enough to know my jokes
are stupid enough that no one wants to steal them in any universe. But,
still, lesson noted! And it is true that we should tailor our jokes to
ourselves, our point of views, and our personas. So it's definitely
worthwhile and important advice to make jokes personal. I just don't 100%
buy the idea that there's some malevolent creature out there who is just waiting
to hear and to steal my jokes. Seems kind of paranoid.
And trust me, I know paranoid. Lemme tell ya a bit
about me... Paranoia is probably one umbrella term for a part of my
mental illness, but it's not the one I'm planning on focusing on during my bit
for next week. Sure, all the mental issues are intertwined. But I'm
gonna frame it more around the occasional unwanted thoughts in my head (which
may be called voices-- but I don't hear them audibly-- more just like an
unwelcome thought that isn't quite me). So yeah I got some jokes
lined up about that that both clarify what its like and sprinkle in some humor.
Knowing this audience though, who needs humor? I live with my parents.
HAHAHAHAHA. All I have to do is say, I have mental illness.
Now, let me expl-- HAHAHAHAHA. Then the teacher is like, I
said go out on a high note! Sit down! You've won!
And I'm like But I didn't get to the j-- Sit Down SICKY!
Well, live and learn. This is what I
wanted for myself for some reason. What else is going on. Maybe
that riff is good for next week. I'll put that in the Maybe
pile. Note to self-- start keeping piles. What
paragraph are we into. 15th. I can dig it. All in all, though,
I spend over a month looking forward to this class starting, and I'm happy with
it so far. Fun, relaxed, and a third positive thing one would imagine.
Now it's time for the next stage of my life. Which will presumably be
the stage of okay now I'm in the class for six weeks. Let's get
through this and then figure out the next crap.
What else. Finished Tales From The Crypt.
Finished the last season of American Horror Story. Re-watched With Bob and
David Without Bob And David It Was Just Me. Chewing more than my fair
share of gum. No cigarettes in six weeks as of tomorrow. That's a
month and a half! I crunched the numbers and everything! Now I have
to watch something new presumably but who knows. No new TV. Gotta
watch on my computer like an animal! I do need to thnk of what to
do next, though. Not just for tonight, but for what am I gonna be doing
the next six weeks during the non-2 and a half hours a week I'm in comedy class.
Hmm. Have I watched Tales From the Cry-- oh, right, yes. I
can chew even more than my fair share of gum. That'll show 'em, that'll
show all of 'em!
Cool. Up a bit in poker the last few days. That'll
probably definitely last this time around. That's my hypothesis.
Which is when you have a thesis but need to get it out really quickly.
No time to go into elaborate talk about this thesis! It's a hypo-thesis!
Just gotta get it off my chest immediately! Apparently Internet says,
"Hypo," is the opposite of, "Hyper." I should have known about that
since I had hypothyroidism. Or do I have hyperthyroidism.
Damn this science stuff is hard! Here's an Insight-em-up into how I feel--
this is something I wrote down in Notebook regarding trying to conceptualize a
new life attempting to do standup -- Starting a new life completely isn't
scary... having to go back to the old one is. And look at me
now. I'm back! That'll show fear for being...
correct? That doesn't sound right...
Cool. What paragraph are we into now.
18th. Three ta go! Then presumably take a micronap or something.
I've been trying to get into micronaps. By which I just mean a nap
but I use the phrase micro before it because it makes me feel more grown
up. Doesn't even matter if I fall asleep. Just lay in bed, close my
eyes for half an hour, an hour. That's a micronap in my book.
Anyway, what else is going on. I've gotta eat dinner in four hours.
People gotta eat dinner. There's a common experience we all share.
You ever notice when you're eating dinner.. with your family. and
you're 30. AND YOU LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY Well
I should have finished that joke by saying you laugh, but
you are all my family now. We're ALL a family now! Now whose
laughing? You're the dicks! And they'll be confused but I'll
feel like as if I won that showdown. Heh, I guess that is kinda funny.
I'm numerically an adult and do all sorts of adult things but I am infantilized
by having to commiserate with my parents constantly as well as be fully aware of
the fact that I am for the most part supported by them financially. Hah!
Now I get it! Well Hey after this paragraph I only need to
write one more. That's something I can get behind! Because it means
I'm almost done doing stuff! Doing Nothing is harder work than Doing
Something a lot of the time. Think about it!
Or don't, its your life. I hope. What else is
going on. Been doing good in poker the last few days but I'm not 100%
happy about how I keep playing poker even when I theoretically want to stop.
I've got shit else to do, though. It's tough. Hey maybe there's a
movie I can see this weekend. Let's load up the ol' internet.
"The Hustle?" I've seen ads for that on the sides of busses!
I'm Convinced!. Nah I don't know. I can go see
The Intruder. That's the kind of mediocre movie I like seeing.
Not sure why, but it's true. Maybe I'll set up an appointment with the
theater. You mean buy tickets for a showing? Yeah,
that's what I said. Call the theater's secretary and set up an
appointment. Get off my back about it.
How About Some Bonus Paragraphs
Don't mind if I do!
Even if its only one. And it's Some Bonus ParagraPH.
Let's see what else is in the news. My Comedy Class is a block away
from where they tape Stephen Colbert & The Late Shows so when I was in my
favorite diner and a nerdy looking guy was there I naturally assumed must be
Stephen Colberts' writing staff. Prove me wrong! Anyway, what
else is going on. I think I meant to say he must be on Stephen
Colberts' writing staff, but the omission makes it 10x funnier.
That one nerdy guy is his entire writing staff. And he was taking a break!
Makes me laugh. Also, in that neighborhood, a lot of harassment from
people telling you to come see stand up comedy. No one ever flips it,
though, and says come with me and you can perform some comedy! It's
always trying to build an audience. I say, they should have people to get
the performers! And there's just 60 people sitting in a dark room
somewhere until suddenly a street advertising person comes in and goes I Got
One! and then you have to perform for half an hour.
Pretty sure that's more or less how comedy works in my mind.
Oh well, what can ya do, live and learn, right? I'll see The Intruder sure
its better than nothing. I'll buy the ticket right now! What, you
think I won't? Are you sure about that? I'll do it. I swear,
as God as my witness... God knows to keep his mouth shut about whatever he
witnesses me doing, though. If he knows what's good for him! God
ain't gonna say Word One about what he's seen me do.
Probably, right? I really lucked out when I saw
Long Shot (to me, previously stylized as The Long Shot) with it being the
closest theater in the building to the bathroom. I could pretty much just
come and go at my leisure. Wasn't missing much. I could literally be
back in the theater in 40 seconds from time I leave the room with what the music
and video playing and get back to that room where screen things were going on.
And that's even without resorting to pissing in the lobby!! Which
is always a back up plan that I have in my back pocket, but you don't wanna
overuse that play, cause you do it once, you won't be invited back into that
movie theater. Gotta save it for the one time its really gonna count.
What the Hell have I been talking about. This is the
24th paragraph. Aiming for 25 seems about right, right? Also, not
happy about the last 2 times I went to the movies, when I ordered the machine
the correct kind of soda to supply me with, it was very obviously disposing half
soda half water. Half of it looked like cola when it was spraying down,
but it was concurrently spraying down a clear liquid that, to be honest, I
hoped was water, because if its not water, it could be non diet soda,
and that's a worst case scenario of epic proportions. I get half Diet Mr.
Pibb and half water, fine, its watered down Diet Mr. Pibb. I can live with
that. I get half Mr. Pibb and half Full Calorie Sprite? FUCK
THAT SHIT, SOMEONE'S GETTING SUED.
Last paragraph! We did it together you and I.
Mostly me. But you read it! Good for you! Have another
paragraph, its on the house. Coulda been a good tagline for Fiddler On The
Roof. Silhouette of a guy on the roof of a 2d house and it says It's On
The House. Now, lets see if I can appropriate that razor-sharp wit,
timely commentary, and brilliant idiocy to stand up comedy. My guess is
yeah probably not but ya tried thanks for trying I'm gonna keep your money and
by I I just mean stand up in general we got your money that's just the
way things are. Oh well, live and learn, what else can ya do, am I
right? I'll see you all later probably.
Sunday, May 5, 2019
I'm At About 70%
Of what? I don't know. But it
seems about right. Maybe it's my phone's charge. Nope, that's
at 87%. Well, I'm stumped. Game show where you have to stump the
president for the present called Stump Trump. It's a fun game show
because everybody wins! It's easy to stump him! Except for the
people who live in the country where he's still president for the present.
Then maybe a few dozen people win. That seems about right.
Maybe a few hundred instead of a few dozen. Ultimately, there's a three
digit number of Americans who are really gettin' it goin' under our present
president. Seems about right.
Can 70% be how I'm doing in life? No, nope, that
cant be. I'm doing great in life! I'm totally continuing the routine
I've been developing at a successful rate of Still Doin' It. Ah, here's a
save-em-up from just earlier this morning. How come I never see any
Neo-Nazis sporting a Hitler moustache? Do they not know how to shave and
are too embarrassed to ask their barber Give Me The Hitler!? I
mean, if they like him so much, you think they'd like his style, too. So
why not ape his look?
I think if Neo Nazis all had Hitler moustaches the rest of us
Normos would laugh and laugh and laugh every time we see one or even many at a
time. Just crack up. Hmm. The word, "Embarrassed," from
last paragraph. Barr. The current AG for the present. Is there
some sort of pun to be made? Nah, probably not. Oh well, you win
some, you lose some. For every pun to be made there's 10
potential-almost-puns left on the cutting room floor. Something about
cutting up the dance floor by dancing great and cutting room floor.
Nope, nope. That's also nothing. Anyway hey, Comedy Class in two
days! I'm oscillating between looking forward to it heavily and getting
really stressed out about it.
There's a part of me that wants to create a good first
impression and knock the 2 Minutes on Mic during first class Out Of The Park.
But there's also a part of me that realizes, isn't it incredibly presumptuous
to go into this class thinking I can knock some 2 minutes on microphone out of
the park? The whole reason I'm taking the class is to do just that
competently! To go in with Jokez And Laugh-Em-Ups/Insight-Em-Ups just
seems kinda tone deaf as well as stupid as well as Embarrassing.
Let's disbar Barr. Anyone made that pun yet?
I want my keyboard to have a Disbar and when you click it
the text Yo Momma! shows up. Is Yo Momma! in and of itself a
dis? Wouldn't it have to be followed up by, I don't know, some
embarrassing act, quality, or condition Yo Momma is entangled in? I've
given all of us, collectively, a lot to think about. I'm gonna go pour
that coffee I started brewing before this entry. Alright it's time to
play Stump The Trump! What's seven times nine? ... ...You
Stumped The Trump! Anyway now I really am gonna go pour
that coffee. Trump-- Well, I know eight times eight is 64... don't ask
me how I know that, but I do... the average between seven and nine is eight...
I'm gonna say it's 64! Wrong! Nope pretty sure
its right. Fake news! They're out to get me! Math is out to
get me! Alright for real coffee time.
How amazing would it be to see that in a presidential debate.
Anderson Cooper going Mr. Trump. What's eleven times seven?
Oh man they gotta do that! Whatta hey I still haven't gotten that
coffee I keep promising myself. At the very least, if there's a
possibility they might ask that, maybe Trump will have to do what we all did in
third grade and learn the times tables up to the number 12. And maybe
that'll help him make smarter decisions outside of math.
That's how we did it in elementary school-- I assume that must be pretty
standard, right? At least across NYC. Teaching times tables by
memorizing everything up to 12 x 12. 144. Kind of separate
from learning how to calculate multiplication. Sure, we all learned
how to figure out 18 x 17 at some point. But for me at least it was
accompanied, probably preceded now that I think about it, by just memorizing
everything up to 12 x 12. Anyway this is all very fascinating but what
else is going on.
It must have been standard across Everywhere. I
remember those black and white notebooks had the 12 x 12 multiplication table
either in the front or the back. And I don't think they made specific
black and white notebooks just for NYC's public school system. That would
be a blunder or something. Hey seventh paragraph already. Probably
gonna take my afternoon walk in the middle of this entry, anywhere after the
tenth to 15th paragraph, I don't know! Get off my back about it.
Time to play Stump The Trump. Donald Trump... Are Neo Nazis, "Fine
People?" Oh, I know, this one's easy. Yes! Yes, of
course! Wrong! Fake news! The Jews are
out to get me! Save me Neo-Nazis! ...Besides, they're called Neo
Nazis for a reason! They took the good parts of Nazism and
got rid of the bad parts! Doesn't take a bran surgeon to figure
that one out!
Heh. Bran Surgeon. The good news is, at least, I
finally poured that coffee for myself and am in the process of drinking it!
And you all doubted me! Maybe I should bring in an iced coffee to Stand
Up Class. That'll let people know that I'm cool. Think
about it! They will! They're paying good money to think about things
presumably I Don't Know How It Works! Anyway, jeez. Been going way
overboard with the iced coffee/cold brews lately. Two has become Always
and sometimes Thrice a day. My first college roommate used to listen to
the band Thrice. Still not 100% what that is. Pretty sure
it's some sort of Alt. Metal or something along those lines. Never
bothered to learn about my peers' cultural touchstones, somehow that part of
college never got to me.
I feel like a big part of college for a lot of people like me
are like hey I'm meeting other people who have similar interests as me in
music or comedy or art or...!!! Meanwhile, I met zero people
like me. I had some friends at one point or another but I don't remember
ever bonding with anyone who had the same tastes as me for stuff. All I
remember is Thrice, great, I'm gonna go back to my nonsense stuff, see
ya. Oh well such is life and whatnot. See-- I had an iced coffee
this morning. I just poured myself a hot coffee I brewed at home.
The plan is to get another iced coffee on my walk soon. I love it! I
don't care, so what, get off my back about it and whatnot. The only thing
I must avoid is going to the same place twice in one day for iced coffee/cold
brew. I mean, they don't care, business is business. But it's kind
Hey one more paragraph then it's Walk Time. Real
Walk Time! No circle Walk In Room nonsense! ...Already did all of
that for today. So what's in the papers today. Lets see. I
feel like at some point printed newspaper will become like the penny where it
costs more to produce it than the value it actually represents. Something
like that may make sense. Almost makes sense to me. Almost, and to
such a degree, that I'm pretty confident yeah this probably does make sense
overall. Alright well that does it for part one. See ya soon for
the exciting conclusion!
Nothing Has Changed
Well, other than the time. And I also now have
more iced coffee than I did half an hour ago. Anyway, here's a bit I'm
working on... I was taking a walk down the street, and I saw a sign
that said, "No Standing Any Time." I gotta stand some time!
Questions? Comments? How can I punch it up a bit is the point.
I know going into the comedy class that I have a classic bit on my hands there
but I just need the confidence to really have it take me to that next level, ya
know. Here's another bit I'm working on: ...I know when we had to
conserve water a few decades ago, they made the rhyme for toilets, if it's
brown, flush it down, if it's yellow, let it mellow... what if my pee is
brown and my crap is yellow? It could happen! It happened to me!
Classic comedy misdirection absurdity comparisons.
What else is going on. I've worked my way up bit by bit to the point where
I'm doing a crapload of sit ups and push ups each day. Like, American
Psycho levels of push ups and sit ups. That's a reference even I
don't get. I never saw that movie. But I feel like there's a
part in it where the guy exercises a lot, I don't know. Seems about right,
right? Anyway, jeez, what's going on in the wide world of sports. I
did watch The Rules of Attraction while doing mushrooms, though, which I
believe exists in the same universe. So, if you're wondering why my mind
is broken precisely how it is, knowing that the first of two times I did
mushrooms I was watching The Rules of Attraction, that might help explain things
a little bit, I feel.
Get off my back about it. Anyway, jeez. You
may be thinking, what kind of person does mushrooms and watches The Rules of
Attraction. Well, I had it on DVD. We were in my college dorm.
My friend I guess had heard it was a comedy and was like let's watch that.
Not knowing it was a dark comedy and not a light comedy.
And I was high so I didn't give a shit I'll trust other people's ideas.
And that's how that came about and whatnot what else is going on. Finished
binge watching Tales From The Crypt. The last season takes place in
Britain which was really jarring. 80 episodes from the States and then all
of a sudden every episode takes place in a place where they call America, "The
States," and, horrifically, it latched onto my psyche to a point where I
called America, "The States."
Terrifying. Anyway, jeez, crap and crap, ya
heard. For a place called The United States of America, there's
not a lot of unity between the states. I'm pretty sure every state
thinks every other state sucks. Not even an exaggeration, I think that's
pretty accurate. Hey I started reading Beastie Boys Book. Pretty
good so far but also incredibly daunting. It's a really big book!
But the point is great what else is going on. Hey only six paragraphs to
go after this one! I like that because it implies I can relax when the
entry is done. Little do I know that relaxation never comes it's just a
never ending cycle of bullshit. But it can't hurt to dream! Unless
you're in Inception!
Never saw that movie either, but I figure that makes sense
probably. Hey it's Cinco de Mayo. That probably means something to
some group of people. Who can say for sure, though. I like America's
habit of only adopting immigrants's's culture when it means they can party.
Cinco De Mayo. St Irish Day Parade. Chinese New Year.
As long as it means we have an excuse to drink we're welcoming your culture with
open arms! Heh. St. Irish Day Parade. Stupid things make me
laugh. Does raise an interesting point, tough. Let's just tell
Americans man you're supposed to get fucked up on Ramadan.
Suddenly everyone loves Muslims! It could work!
Hey 75% done with the entry. Wonderful, just
wonderful. Next entry will most likely be after first session of comedy
class. So, by the next entry, I should have all the kinks worked out and
be capable of applying my superior Stand Up Comedy knowledge to This Nonsense
and basically I'll be at 120% quality or something like that. Figure I'm
due for Afternoon Snack #2 around the end of this entry. Presumably
somewhere between 20 minutes and an hour from now. I tried that Nitro Cold
Brew from Starbucks and man does that Nitrogen make it taste better. Too
bad you can't get it in a Trenta though ya heard?
I guess I could just get 8 Small Nitro Cold Brews at a time
and just go nuts. One can dream, right? Presumably. Dunno what
to watch now that TFTC is done. I don't wanna go back to watching The
Twilight Zone. I realized meh this isn't that entertaining now that I
have other things to compare it to. I guess I could get back into
American Horror Story and see that through to the end. Probably a lot of
choices out there though for consumers like me so I'll be okay one way or
another ya heard. Hey only three more paragraphs to go now! I'm so
Let's see, what else is cloggin' up the ol' mind gears.
That's how I conceptualize my thoughts or ideas. My mind is a series of
gears and a thought is what happens when something clogs up the gears and
prevents them from functioning correctly. And the only way to fix it is to
get rid of that thought or idea. Makes sense to me. The point is my
new chair is still great. And I didn't even think of this ahead of time,
but being able to push the armrests up turned out to be great because it means I
can play guitar while leaning back in my chair. Wasn't even thinking of
Penultimate paragraph. Then it's either Banana time or
FiberOne Oatmeal Raisin Cookie time who cares they're both sweet and both have
fiber and I get to enjoy myself either way! Before I tried an Oatmeal
Raisin cookie a month or two ago, I remember always thinking of it as health
food. Oatmeal, that's healthy, raisins, those are fruit,
healthy. Therefore, an Oatmeal Raisin cookie is a sham of a cookie and is
in fact healthy and probably not cookie material. Little did I know
nope sure is a cookie. The point is we all have misconceptions about
life when we're younger and only with age and experience can we come to terms
with what things are really all about.
Hey last paragraph. Made it through! What
kinda crap do I have in store for the next 48 hours before embarking to Comedy
Class. Probably a lot of figuring out what to binge watch next and
hopefully its something good that stimulates my mind in all the right places.
Joe Biden threw his hat into the ring. Quick someone pick up his hat
and throw it back out of the ring so maybe he'll leave!!! Commentary.
The last week or so I've been going to bed at fuckin' 10:00 PM. I mean, I
know I'm getting to be an adult and all, but 10:00 PM? What the Hell is
wrong with me. I didn't go to bed at 10:00 PM ever in my life, not
even as a kid. I guess life is just going through changes. Oh well,
what can ya do. Maybe it's just cause I'm always looking forward to either
chocolate chip pancakes, waffles, or French toast when I wake up. I wanna
hurry up and get to sleep so I can wake up and eat dessert. Whatever it
is, I feel good about it, actually ya heard. See ya later.
- 3:43 P.M.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Take Some Things Seriously
But how am I supposed to know what to take
seriously and what not to take seriously. I don't know, it's your
life, you figure it out. Well wonderful what a great help you've
been. Don't mention it. Too late! Ah, I
love us. Anyway hey friends it's a new month, new color scheme.
I bought a bunch of sharpies and ballpoint pens to help me really elevate my RND
note-taking game to the next level. I'm talkin' three colors of sharpies--
black, red, and blue. Four colors of ballpoint pen-- black, red, blue, and
purple. The blue and purple look very much alike. Hope
someone was fired over that egregiousness ya heard. But I still haven't
found the color that I'm looking for.
I'm also thinking about buying a blue rubber ball. You
know, to throw against the wall and stuff in my spare time? I know my
parents would strongly disapprove of that. I mean, very strongly.
They've disliked stuff I've done in the past-- drinking, drug use, going crazy,
sleepwalking outside naked. But you could put all of that together and it
wouldn't even reach a fraction of their indignation if I had a rubber ball and
threw it against the wall for 15 minutes every day. Well, it would
reach a fraction. That's simply how math works. But you get the
Anyway. Been having some real frustration
experimenting where to put my laptop these past few weeks with no TV. I
got it facing north right now-- where it's been almost exclusively for the past
10 years. This is the direction my window is in. But I've also
experimented facing east-- that would be where my old desktop computer was.
And, of course, a lot of the last two weeks, it's been facing south-- on the
surface my TV used to be. So the point is I don't know where I am
anymore and what direction to go in. Anyway, Comedy Class is in 5 days
and I still have no idea what to do with my 2 minutes. My most recent idea
was do a riff along the lines of It's Gotta be Tough to do Stand Up!
I tell ya stand up comedy seems like it's tough! You gotta write jokes.
You gotta tell jokes. You gotta get used to the deafening laughter and
applause after the joke...
I think it would be a very appropriate topic for a bit.
Now all I need to do is make jokes about it. That's too bad.
I hate havin' to do things! Actually, to be honest, that was my
penultimate idea. My actual most recent idea was fuckin' spend hours
combing through the last year or two of Crazysheet and pick out 10 or 15 winners
to blaze through. But that involves not just me doing remedial work, but
also being exposed to my half-un-thought-ed creative side over the last 2 years,
and I don't think I'm comfortable confronting just exactly what I've been up to
for the past 2 years both in terms of what I've been sharing with people over
the internet and also what it says to current-me about where my mind is/has
Oh well, such is life. Guess I can figure out this
Stand Up Is Tough! bit. I've figured things out before, it's not
entirely out of the realm of possibility. Anyway. I have a very
specific fantasy about this class. I fantasize I make friends.
Friends who will be my friends for several years. We start doing open mics
together once or twice a week. Sometimes they come to my home in Queens,
marvel at all the clean surfaces in my room, and are jealous of my chair and how
I always get to sit in it. They have to sit on the bed, or if
there's three or more of them, we bring in chairs from the kitchen. I have
a new 32 inch TV and we watch episodes of Duckman on YouTube for it is a Smart
TV. They get stoned while I drink beer. It's a fun, light, and
philosophical we're smoking weed environment, but I don't smoke weed-- I
drink a lot of beer. But it works for us. Anyway, that's my
Now that I've said it out loud that's seven years bad
luck or something. There's some people out there that would love
seven years bad luck. That implies once the seven years is up, your bad
luck ceases. It's like Who wants to be a millionaire?
Billionaires don't! It's a step down. So to someone whose sure he's
been unlucky his entire life and will continue to be unlucky for the rest of his
life-- he gets seven years bad luck-- he's over the moon. Seven
years. Just seven more years of bad luck and then I come out the other
side smelling like roses. I'm not 100% sure what I'm talking about.
That's the point-- I don't want to ever have to read this again! And, boy,
I don't envy you either, having to read this even a first time!
It's probably fun to read it as someone else, though.
Hah. That kid's messed up. Makes me laugh! Makes
me laugh too, we're on the same page there-- but only to consider it
theoretically and philosophically, not to actually perform the process of
re-reading it. Anyway, what paragraph are we into. Seventh! I
can dig that. That's what some guy said. About a hole.
Actually holes are the one thing you can't dig. Already been dug!
It's what some guy said about some plateau-ed ground. Ah, prime
ground for diggin'! Ain't gonna be no plateau when I'm done with ya!
Anyway I'm gonna have Afternoon Snack #1. These days I have 2 Afternoon
snacks. That's right you should be jealous.
Especially if you're Ben Jealous. Then you
don't really have a choice in the matter. What else is going on. I
finished the Guided By Voices book. It was a real pleasure to Never Have
To Read That Book Anymore Again. That's how I feel about 99% books I
actually make it through. Boy that book was adequately entertaining
and thank god It's out of my life completely now. One book down,
unlimited books to go. Such is life. Book I've been reading now
is this strange short book talking about comedy theoretically and
philosophically that I must have gotten assigned a few years ago when I took
that Queens College Comedy Class. That was a class within the English
department where we didn't learn how to write or perform comedy, but we
theoretically learned how to consume it as consumers. I don't remember
learning anything though. Don't even remember what we read.
We definitely didn't read this book. It was on the syllabus I guess but
the only thing I remember is the teacher defending Carlos Mencia for stealing
What else is crap. Also thinking about re-reading Akira
Kurosawa's Something Like an Autobiography. I remember reading it
in high school and really liking it for some reason, and I came across it while
I was cleaning up my room, and, along with a dozen other books, I salvaged and
set up for immediate-future-reading. And this is the book I'm most diggin'
the idea of reading. Also, I feel inclined to clarify that this book is an
autobiography by Kurosawa. But if you couldn't figure out that it was
something like an autobiography after reading that the title was Something
Like an Autobiography, then, well, I don't know what to tell ya. Maybe
it's a Rashomon situation where everyone read the title differently.
Yeah, the title is Something Like an Autobiography, written by Akira
Kurosawa-- but I bet it's a novel about a samurai who says things or
something. I lost interest in this riff.
Anyway, what else is going on. 10th paragraph.
Jeez. Doin' pretty good in poker. Thinking about just coasting at
more or less the level I'm at now. Only play lowest stakes to keep myself
occupied while doing CircleWalking which I am gradually decreasing every week.
The goal will ultimately be take 3 real half-hour walks a day, outside,
and in the morning, between Morning Walk and Lunch, is a lot of circle walking
worked around doing a bunch of sets of push up/sit ups. So I get a lot of
exercise in, it still gives my day structure, but I'm done with it by noon and
can continue living like a normal person for most of the time.
It's like a nice little part time job that I can work at on
my terms. Instead of doing remedial work like combing through nonsense
websites for polished jokes, it's walking in a circle for two and a half hours.
Is there anything really that different between the two? I've
given myself a lot to think about. That's why I don't wanna go through
these entries. All the times I've said I've given myself a lot to
think about, I never actually think about it! If I go back and
re-read everything I'm gonna have to think a lot about all the things I had
given myself to think about! I never thought those promises would come
back to bite me in the ass! It was just a figure of speech! A
figure! Speech! Paragraph's over!
Whahwawa. Still need to read Beastie Boys Book.
Then I think I'm all caught up on the books I've gotten recently. Looks
real interesting but it's way big and that's kind of intimidating I feel.
Also, I checked-- nothing under the sticker. But I didn't feel like
a fool for scratching it off, either. Kinda had a fear I would scratch the
sticker off and there'd be a message like what kinda fan and reader are you?
Scratchin' off stickers we put up here on the cover for a reason? Very
disrespectful! I can tell you're a jerk and the Beastie Boys wouldn't like
you. So, go ahead, read the book. But you suck and you don't get it
and we're all laughing at people like you inside this book you asshole.
Something along those lines, that's the point. 13th
paragraph. Hey how about that crap. Still no tobacco cigarettes in a
long time! Fuck you cigarettes! I don't need ya! But if you
ever decide you're not harmful at all and in fact a healthy part of a balanced
breakfast I'll still be here. The point is sure I'll try
some eggplant on my pizza hook me up with that I'll have it later tonight even.
I went to pick up pizza on my afternoon walk for dinner later and I was like
you have eggplant as a topping? and the guy was like Yeah, Of Course!,
with the implication being duh we're a pizza place of course we do eggplant.
So I was like, I'll have two Sicilian slices, both with eggplant and
mushroom. And he kinda rolled his eyes, with the implication being
what the Hell kind of combination is that? You have no idea what you're
doing. That's the stupidest pizza I ever heard. Well, you asked
Of course I know what people are thinking.
That's part of being a genius. Also, real dilemma I had-- before going
into the order, I wondered repeatedly do I say Eggplant and Mushroom, or
Eggplant and MushroomS.
Also, does the order matter? Eggplant and mushroom(s) or Mushroom(s) and
eggplant? Which sounds more natural?
These are the problems that normal people like me face every day that the fat
cats in Washington will never care enough to address. Also, sick and
tired of the fat cats in Washington. Why can't they be more like the
fat cats in other parts of the country? Now, the fat cats in Cincinnati--
those fat cats I can get behind! The fat cats in Reno, Nevada? Love
them fat cats! It's like once you're a fat cat and you move to Washington
you just change man.
Anyway. Main guy I talk to who works at Starbucks went
have a good day and I said You too Man! I realized that's
something I sometimes do in casual conversation. Call people Man.
Just use it to punctuate whatever I was saying. Thanks man!
... I think that's it. Either you too man! or
thanks Man! I can't think of any other phrase I'd ever have to utter
in life. I think, beneath everything, when you really think about it, my
life has just been going in the direction of how can I unconsciously create
the circumstances where I could watch Duckman under the optimal conditions?
As good an interpretation that I could think of. Also, no way am I
gonna watch it under the not optimal conditions! You only get one
chance to binge watch Duckman, having not seen it for 20 years, and having been
too young to get the jokes the first time around! And I'm not about to
blow that on the non-optimal conditions! No siree!
16th paragraph. Hey how about that. What's going
on. I've gotten in the habit of, when I'm done with the iced coffee,
there's still some ice left, so I pour that into a glass and pour soda over the
ice. Two things involved there-- 1) soda is great w/ ice. I need to
learn how to make ice in my freezer because I've been really drinking soda under
the non-optimal conditions and there's absolutely no reason to settle. 2)
combination of soda and iced coffee? Is there something there possibly?
Get Schultz on the phone! I figure if I pitch Iced CoffeeSoda to him
and he likes it he might let me run as his vice president. And it's
always been a dream of mine to be on a losing ticket and disliked by everyone
for varying correct reasons. If I was Howard Schultz I'd call my band
Ultimate Schultz. Not sure what that means, but there it is.
Also, when I'm talking to Schultz, I go, have you ever
thought about SodaCoffee Man? Meh. One of the worse callbacks
ever in the history of literature. Sure this is literature.
What'd you think it was? Also, SodaCoffee, that's the exact wrong way
to market this. It's CoffeeSoda. No one wants SodaCoffee, but people
will go nuts for CoffeeSoda. Trust me I have a sixth sense about these
things. Three and a half paragraphs to go. Great to start a new
month. April was a weird one! Feel like I'm gettin' back on track in
a life that makes sense sorta deal now these days. Huh. And I
even made some progress on getting a new TV! That might actually happen
within the next few weeks I don't believe it!
What the what is going on. The only joke I really
wanna tell is the one where Maury is reading paternity results and he goes
And the test results show I AM THE FATHER! and I don't even want to
tell that joke! It cracks me up but I don't actually wanna figure out how
to structure it and make the correct facial expressions and set it up and all
that. It's just the only thing I can think of in the past 20 years of
trying to be funny that makes me laugh. Anyway. I randomly thought
earlier today of the first story I can recall ever writing. Fifth grade or
so, I wrote a story about a guy whose name was Mr. Glassesface.
Forget most of the story, but there was one sentence where I go He Also Had a
Cat, and while reading the story aloud to the class, one kid started
cracking up at that. Only thing I remember about the story. He
also had a cat and that killed with this one other kid.
True story! Well, the story about the story.
There isn't actually anyone named Mr. Glassesface and if there were I couldn't
say whether or not he would also have a cat. Also, important to remember--
I didn't start wearing glasses until relatively recently in life. Started
needing them in high school, but wore contacts for years almost all of the time.
And when writing the story, didn't even need contacts! It's very important
to remember, because people who had Glasses Faces were a foreign group to me,
not one to which I belonged. Anyway here there's only one more paragraph
to go! Then See You In Hell You Assholes!
I mean, friends. And none of us are going to
Hell. So, just, see ya when I see ya. Anyway what else is
going on. I've started taking out the garbage for my family every other
day because my Dad has his hip thing. It's fun because it's like yup
this is what people do! Takin' out the garbage! This is the result
of a couple days worth of livin' life! These are the remains! Now it
must leave our house in this widely recognized social-familial activity that
most of us must go through at one point or another! Wonderful.
Alright so I guess we'll leave it there for now. Whatta do with the rest
of the day. Some remedial bullshit one would imagine. I'll see ya