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Friday, May 31, 2019

The Month Is Over

        Well, not yet.  But real soon!  And maybe Yet in some parts of the world!  I don't know if other parts of the world are a day ahead or a day behind or maybe there's so much variation of time zones across the land that there's a place a day behind and a day ahead!  Although that would contradict every vaguely-logical assumption I have about how things works!  Yep, 24 time zones.  That's what I woulda guessed.  It seems to make sense based on there being 24 hours in a day, but I don't know, maybe its just a great coincidence!  I don't have the time to research it any further!  I need to eat Lunch #1 of 2!  Hey that's a good idea I'm gonna go set that up and bring it upstairs and eat that shit while writing some paragraphs ya heard.
    I'm having a meal I alluded to last entry, yet never ended up having.  Sin-a-min Raisin' [The Devil] Bagel + some locks.  If you're sinning every minute you'll be raising... bagels... too.  Bagels are a Jewish thing and I'm under the impression that Fine People think the devil may or may not be Jewish.  So I guess this lunch #1 of 2 has given us a lot to think about.  One thing that would be interesting is if Bernie Sanders is running against Trump, how exactly is Trump gonna use his anti-Jew dog whistle.  Obviously it would be constantly in play, but hows he gonna go about utilizing that.  Maybe something like him going at rallies, "BERRNNNNIEE,  I like Bernie."  Something about pronouncing his name is a certain way that's sort of accentuating to his followers that he's Jewish.
    How does saying the name, "Bernie," imply Jewish?  What are you some sort of idiot who doesn't know how the world works?  Get a clue you moron.  I was going through my Random Notes Daily notebook to see if I had any save-em-ups over the past week.  Not really.  Most notable Save-em-up that hasn't already worked its way into my comedy class and/or this website was just a track listing of Potential Future Album To Work On.  I mean, 10 really good titles.  That I would be proud to create some day if I feel like it for some reason.  Oh, well, I also have a dozen stuff I wrote potentially for comedy class that were dismissed as soon as I finished writing them.  For example, this was written I believe before the first class even started-- Stand up?  More like sit down!  And shut up!
Its relevant because I'm bad at stand up and it isn't even quite stand up and I've been doing a lot of walking and standing so I should sit down at this point and also shut up? sure why not I'm open to suggestions.  Jeez.  Oh, here's an idea for Trump--  Berrrnnnnie.  I like him, but he doesn't share our values.  He's a globalist and a socialist.  You know what I call him?  a... wait, I got this... what's a good funny portmanteau of globalist and socialist... FUCK everyone stay calm I'm almost there... [this is Trump talking to his rally audience, not me talking to you]... ok, he's a Socialist, a Globalist, and remember, he's Jewish too, can't forget that he's Jewish...
    Maybe I've been all wrong about Trump.  It's not easy being Trump, its hard!  He's gotta come up with a portmanteau of Socialist and Globalist and no one is gonna do it for him.  I like how Microsoft FrontPage doesn't even accept globalist as a word.  Good for them.  Because it's not a real thing.  It's just what Nazi's say non-(white)-nationalists are.  I had to put, "White," in parenthesis because presumably there's the equivalent of white nationalists in non-white-majority countries where their values are similar and also probably rail against so-called, "Globalists."  It's not because in America there's a distinction between a Nationalist and a White Nationalist.  I was just thinking globally.  FUCH AM I A GLOBALIST??!?!
Here's a moment that made me feel bad yesterday morning.  I was at Starbucks, and a nice lady who works the register and I see every day was like off on your way to work?  And I said, nope... I'm in school, don't have it today though.  I'm not in school, unless you wanna be generous and count comedy class.  I just didn't wanna say Nope!  Got absolutely nothing going on!  See ya tomorrow!  I can't decide if its a sign of pathological lying (because, objectively, it wasn't necessary at all), or a white lie (because, maybe in this case, it just feels more comfortable for both of us to believe in this fantasy world where I'm in school But Not Yesterday).
    Cool!  If Trump was president in 1941, when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, he'd be like Well, let them have Hawaii.  Obviously they want it more than we do!  If you know what I mean!  Emperor Hirohito is a good guy and they'll take good care of Hawaii.  Also, globalists trying to get us into war in the European Theater?  Fake news!  I wish those two insights were incorrect.  But they probably aren't.  And that's even being generous in assuming he wouldn't be explicitly on the fascists' side and rather just wanted to remain uncommitted.  I'm letting him have that even though it's not a given at all.  Actually, In Fact, I'm not gonna give him that.  He would see Hitler and Mussolini and immediately go I want in on that action!  Of course he would.
    Anyway, what else is going on.  Eighth paragraph already.  Almost done with Bagel.  Cracked open a can of beer which I'm about 1/3rd done with.  Figure I'll take a walk soon, dunno if it'll be after this paragraph or if I'll make it to 10.  Probably after the 10th paragraph at the latest, though.  Did you know the term Hero comes from Emperor Hirohito because he was such a great guy?  Probably not because it's totally incorrect and no one would ever believe for even half a second that its even possible its accurate.  Ben Folds "Hiro's Song," is based on Emperor Hirohito, though.  That's just a fact.  I guess I'll write one more paragraph, take a walk, be back here recharged and ready to go!
    But first I just committed myself to writing one more paragraph for some reason.  No one is really sure why.  Now that I'm doing my 5 minutes on my mental illness, I was thinking about other prolonged bits I can do about my life, preferably embarrassing stuff.  Here's what I came up with, in no particular order-- (1) mental illness, (2) losing my virginity, (3) periods of extreme drug use, (4) obsessing over girls, (5) offshoot of mental illness where I talk about being hospitalized, (6) ... all I got so far.  But I basically learned I can do an entire One Man Show about my life-problems.  Wait hasn't that sort of thing been done by a lot of people to no success at actually being entertaining or leading to some better job?  yeah but When It's Me It's Great!  I dunno. 
    Ugh, may as well write the 10th paragraph, then take a walk.  Not sure what I'm gonna do for Lunch #2 of 2.  Right now thinking about makin' 4 of those 45 calorie hot dogs, pair that with 2 pieces of 70 calorie slices of bread, see where that takes me.  Maybe add some of those PopChips.  They're like potato chips but presumably were air-popped or something which makes it healthy!  Great!  I don't know.  I was the last person to go up last Comedy Class, where I did the stuff on my mental illness for the first time, and then we were all on the elevator after class to leave and I was like I feel awkward now and a lady was like why because we know your mental illness and I and I was like no because elevators make me uncomfortable yes because now you know a bit about my mental illnesses.  Except minus the stuff about elevators making me uncomfortable.  I just thought of that right now!  It was just that well now these people have a much better idea of my crap than most people I interact with.  Uncomfortable!  See ya soon.  Hmm.  Maybe it was because elevators make me uncomfortable.  Now that I think about it.  I usually don't care about people knowing crap about me.  But elevators?  We're all stuck in that small space?  Yeah now that I think about it it was definitely the elevator.



        I think the DSA should change their name to The Socialist Network.  Okay I wrote that before I even left for my walk but I really am gonna go take that walk now.


Put Me In Coach

        That was one of the 10 song titles.  I like it because it means a lot of different things, which is the hallmark of a good song title.  Anyway, maybe not have a full fledged lunch #2 today, instead have a few hopefully healthyish snacks.  I take it on a day-by-day basis!  That's life in a nutshell.  Sometimes you have 2 lunches, sometimes you have 1 lunch and a bunch of snacks, sometimes you have 1 lunch and drink a lot.  Those are the only three options in life.  Choose wisely.  No pressure, but what you do during the middle of your day can make or break your day!  Especially considering for many adults that's when they work/accomplish tings/get paid.  But, for me, the extent of my midday productivity is gotta maximize the enjoyment I get out of lunches.  That's my number one priority these days.
    Great!  Got my Mom a box of cereal from Supermarket on my walk.  Wait, never mind that's the extent of my productivity!  I actually did a small favor for another person!  Now we're talking a very well-spent midday.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Put Me In Coach doesn't mean that many different things.  Have you thought about it meaning Put Me In Couch because I want to be inside of a couch?  Cause it's only one letter off, you know.  Oh I see now yeah that really pads the amount of meanings it could have.  Told ya!  What else is going on.  12th paragraph I guess.  Poker been going okay in the sense that I'm at a respectable bankroll but negatively in that I Still Can't Fuckin' Stop.  Oh well, gotta be addicted to something.  The last few months, maybe years, it's been gambling.  Gotta obsess over something and there aren't any girls around!
    I don't have any jokes about that.  But I could come up with some!  It seems like it would be relevant in a One Man Show about My Life and The Different Ways I'm Weird And Whatnot.  Hey I can see a movie this weekend.  Lots of decent choices!  Looks like Rocketman is the best choice.  Which I assume is a reboot of that Harland Williams movie.  Alright ordered a ticket for tomorrow afternoon.  See, look, this afternoon just got even more productive!  I set up plans for tomorrow!  Man I'm knocking all these tasks out of the park.  Oh No I bought the ticket but I haven't gotten the e-mail back with the special code I need to show them to scan it to get into the movie.  Did I enter in the wrong e-mail?!?!  What do I do now?!  Save me Rocketman!  Oh there it is.  Never mind.
Anyway, 14th paragraph.  Figure going for 20 is the thing to do.  I get that Elton John is a legit rock star, but probably based on being born when I was, being part of my specific generation (you know-- my specific popular music generation), I always thought of him more as a Piano Star.  Like, he's got half a dozen or a dozen great classic songs, but I always thought of it more singer-songwritery than rock.  Although I guess that distinction isn't always clear or have to be made in the first place and maybe he's the one who sort of took rock into that singer-songwritery direction.  Who knows!  Maybe seeing the movie will clear things up for me!  Only one way to find out!  Watch it!  Then use my brain to analyze and process what I just watched!  Then come to logical conclusions based on that raw data I just consumed!  Then write a thesis about it and hope I get into a good grad school with it!
    I'm pretty much pot committed to going back to school now based on my interaction with that Starbucks Lady.  Such is life, I guess.  Hey, this morning was pretty productive, too!  I set the ball rolling to start school again.  Ugh.  15th paragraph!  I don't know.  Maybe call it quits after this paragraph.  Maybe not.  So many choices.  Two.  Well, there's one choice.  There's one choice of which there are two options.  Two choices, that implies okay there's the choice of whether to call it quits after this paragraph, and I guess Some Other Choice about something we're not aware of yet.  So, just to recap-- one choice, two options.

That Was The Best Title I Had

        And now its gone!  And, for what?  This website?  Whatta waste!  Anyway, just got can of beer #2 of 2.  That should do it for today, alcoholwise.  Keeping track of how much gum I'm chewing today so I can better estimate it moving forward.  Right now, chewing pieces number 16 and 17.  That's a lot of gum by 1:34 P.M.  Gotta chew something, right??  That's my hypothesis.  I remember once I had a wisdom tooth removed and they numbed one side of my mouth and I literally chewed my gum to the point where by the time the Novocain wore off that part of my gums was all distorted.  True story!  Cautionary Tale, too!  You may be abusing your body just because its numb at the time so you feel no pain however once feeling returns you may have permanently damaged yourself! 
    So look out for that, kids!  Anyway, 17th paragraph. What, now suddenly my imagined audience is kids?  No, I mean like, younger adults!  Like my age but maybe a little bit younger!  I'm using the phrase kids colloquially.  Get off my back about it!  If I'm ever gonna be The New Monkees I need to get acquainted with writing for a younger audience.  That's simply the hard facts about the entertainment industry.  I assume.  I consume a lot of entertainment so I think that leaves me uniquely qualified to comment on the behind-the-scenes of the industry as a whole.  I don't know.  I want this entry to end even more than you do.  Adults. 
Hey old timers, those last few sentences were for you!  Hope you enjoyed 'em!  What else is going on.  In goes numbers 18 and 19.  Pieces of gum.  Not paragraphs.  Although oddly enough that would be accurate as well.  Whattado when this entry is over.  Hah.  Put Me in Couch.  Genius.  When I was a kid, lets say ages 8-12 roughly, routinely would sleep on the couch.  In what my family referred to as our den.  You might call it a living room.  Not us!  We called it a den.  We also have a living room-- not used for anything.  Really big room-- as big as our den and kitchen combined.  Not used for anything.  We've got furniture and stuff, sure, but it's pretty much just for show.
    Anyway, watch TV all night, fall asleep on the couch.  My brother, too.  On the one hand that doesn't seem healthy for a kid, but on the other hand, I turned out okay!  As long as I don't have to be in any elevators for prolonged periods of time, I'll be okay!  One and a half paragraphs to go.  I don't believe it!  But the evidence is insurmountable.  So I guess I'll believe it even if it goes against every fiber of my being.  The funniest thing about going to sleep on the couch is it was one of those couches that you can unfold and it becomes a makeshift bed.  But we never did that.  Went to sleep on it regularly, neither of us ever bothered to transform it into a bed.  Oh, now that I think about it, I think it was broken.  And that's why we didn't adjust it.  Because that part of it was messed up or something.  Great.  Sure my brother and I slept together when we were kids.  That's just what brothers do!
    What else is going on.  This is the last paragraph.  Thank God.  I can go lie in bed and listen to music or something.  Hopefully even fall asleep and take a nap for an hour or two in an ideal world.  I'm trying to get into that routine.  I get up insanely early, like around 6 AM, so I'm trying to get into taking naps around mid-afternoon.  It's fun but it's a lot of hard work but I think I'm making progress so I'll just have to see how that goes ya heard.  So, anyway, that'll do it for May.  See ya next month.

-1:58 P.M.



Wednesday, May 29, 2019

May Deserves Another Entry

        That is, if months could deserve things.  Had comedy class #4 of 6 last night.  Because I wasn't coming up with anything good, I decided to just go for it and talk about my mental illness.  Some of it was the stuff I came up with before the class even started a a potential introduction.  Then other stuff I came up with over the last 48 hours.  And it went over great!  I think.  Who knows what percentage of what these jerks are saying is genuine and what isn't.  And what percentage of it is stuff they personally enjoyed and what percentage of it is GroupThink and we're all giving comments based on how we think other people would like it.  But I got the best comments I've gotten so far so great, sure, I got that going for me.
    Basically feel like I should do that stuff for the show the class culminates in.  I guess I feel okay with that.  Use the last 2 classes to come up with more on that topic, polish what I have, seems like a logical way for me to conclude this class and thus this period of my life.  Make myself feel awkward based on the futile hope it will help other people find me entertaining.  That's the life of a Creativeo, I guess.  Anyway.  Went to the supermarket today to actually get my groceries for the week.  I went with my Dad, but because of his impending hip surgery, I needed to take care of getting my own stuff and pushing my own carriage because 90% of it is 2 liter bottles of soda which can get pretty heavy.  Heavy, there's that word again, is the carbonation soda in the future out of whack chemically making soda weigh more?!?!
Probably, I don't know.  Obviously there's a billion plot holes in the Back To The Future franchise-- because time travel isn't possible-- certainly not in the way its presented in the movie-- but for some reason, the one that always really bothered me was the plot line of Old Biff giving Young Biff the sports almanac which let him always bet on the winner of Sports, and then you see in that alternate 1985 Biff had got national attention for his unprecedented winning streak.  Wouldn't that begin to somewhat slightly effect some of the things he's betting on?  Like, he's gonna be betting on a world series game 7.  The players in that game might know who he's betting for, and that would change their play!  Even if they don't know for sure who he's betting on, once Biff's success becomes known, it would influence every game thereafter, and obviously a single at bat being different in a game would change everything.  And, obviously, a pitcher/catcher tandem, knowing ok this guy is right all the time, that's gonna get inside their head and cause them to go through an entirely different pitch sequence.
    Again, I'm not 100% sure why this very specific thing stood out to me as a plot hole.  Oh well, live and learn, am I right?  I consider it a real missed opportunity if at the end of Back To The Future III, well, close to the end, when they're still in the Old West, that some lady should be talking to her daughter and goes Clint Eastwood, what a nice name.  If you ever have a son or maybe a grandson, name him that!  It's like a call back to a line of dialogue at the end of the first BIITF, and this franchise loves call backs, so why not?  Anyway, fourth paragraph, ate lunch #1 during it, will take a Walking Break after the 5th paragraph.  Very rare day where I haven't had any iced coffee this late in the day.  Went to the supermarket instead!  So I got that to look forward to on my walk is the point.
    Hmm.  Lunch #2 gonna be a cinnamon raisin bagel w/ a bit of lox.  I just hope doing crap about mental illness isn't sort of leaning into Pete Davidson's lane a bit.  Doing random jokes that are relevant to the day and location that I'm doing them, that's great, totally individual stuff.  I mean, its stuff anyone could come up with, but its not in anyone's lane, because it's okay for anyone to go in that direction if that's what their talents allow.  Just doing routines about being mentally ill to an extent most people can't 100% relate-- I don't know-- not only does it not feel like it's authentically who I am and I'm worried it comes off as if it's a routine and persona I'm trying to sell to people, but it isn't even exactly the kind of thing I even really want to do in the first place!  But also, one thing I do want to do is do whatever everyone else is telling me to do.  And right now, it's do the mental illness stuff!  Taking a walk now.  I'll Be Back! 


Ask And Ye Shall Receive

        So I had asked God for the ability to write parody songs a few days ago, and this is what came back-- All in all you're just another dick with no balls.  Not a full song, but hey, gotta start somewhere!  I don't like it.  Weird Al knows that parody songs are supposed to make us feel good.  Calling me a dick with no balls?  How dare you, God!  That doesn't make me feel good at all.  Could be, "Prick," with no balls.  Same idea but just a smidge less insulting.  I asked Teacher before class what open mics she would recommend.  She recommended None.  Don't do open mics.  Pointless.  You won't learn anything.  I'm pot committed to listening to her and respecting her advice, and for the most part she definitely seems to be on the ball and know what she's doing.  But that piece of advice seems to go against everything I've ever heard ever about getting into doing comedy.  On the other hand, I love this advice because Hey I don't have to do anything!  That's a relief!
Somehow there's this other avenue into Comedy World that doesn't involve hard work, enduring demeaning situations, and lots of time sacrificed!  Whew.  Well, her advice actually doesn't bypass those things completely.  I got the sense that the way to start, according to her, is doing those bringer shows where you get to go up in a respected and populated club by getting people to come to your/other people's shows.  So you'd still have to do hard work, endure demeaning situations, and sacrifice a lot of time.  It's just in a slightly different way than I imagined.  Awww.  I liked it better when I thought it meant you don't have to do anything to succeed!
Of course, there's my avenue, which is write nonsense on the internet all the time for what seems like forever and now we play the waiting game.  Gotta imagine at some point someone'll come across this and like what they see, right?  It's the long con I'm running here.  Could be next week, could be in 20 years.  Just keep goin' with no definite timetable, or set of concrete goals, or even really any imagined-yet-somewhat-realistic end-game to it at all. that's my theory of how to achieve success.  Just.  Keep.  Goin'.  Anyway, two more paragraphs for this 5 paragraph block of entry.  Wonderful!  I guess, sure, why not.
    What else is going on. I saw Mueller had a press conference to say I Ain't Sayin' Nothin' and then he resigned.  Ladies and gentleman-- a man of impeccable principles!!!  I didn't actually listen to the press conference but I get the impression it was like Yeah Trump probably committed some crime YOU'RE IT and then tags the Congress and/or the American People and he runs away giggling.  I think it's very noble of Nancy Pelosi to be okay with going down in history as the person who protected Trump from impeachment.  She's a modern gal!  She don't care what Future Men And Women think!  She's gonna do it Her Way!  Speaking of using the insulting term, "Gal," this is a thought I have that may or may not be accurate, may or may not be insightful, and may or may not even make sense.  I'ma say it in the next paragraph.
    You ever notice that out of a lot of people's mouths, Joe Biden comes to mind but I can't say for sure he specifically does this, it just seems like the kind of way he talks-- But they call Black People, "Folks," and White Folks, "People."  I can imagine politicians like Biden going Black Folks are struggling!  And then poor white folks are are Good People who are struggling.  I think there's something linguistically there where Folks is more of a demeaning or dehumanizing term and People is more of a respectful and humanizing term.  I may be wrong about over 100% of this, I don't know, just throwing that out there.  It could be totally reversed.  However, if nothing else, it's a window into how I misinterpret the world around me.  Alright!  That's what people want more of!  They wanna hear me talk about The Ways I Live And Interpret Life Incorrectly.  It's funny to them!


Michael Goes To Fart School

        That's just how I would interpret it.  Politician trying to get on my good side by goin' on about my struggles.  My family and community aren't folks.  We're people.  Makes sense to me.  Maybe black people want to be folks.  And Joe Biden-esque politicians are being respectful by using that phrase.  I don't know!  Anyway.  Came up with a great title for the Great American Novel.  Great American.  It's good because it makes you think, makes ya laugh, and it seems like the sort of thing that can be marketed by publishing companies to become a critically acclaimed and decent selling book, right?  I got the title.  If we've learned anything from crazysheet and my music projects, it's that the title is the hardest and mainest part.  Now that I've got the title Great American for a novel, it should just write itself, right?
    First idea for what the novel could be about went like this--- When I was in high school, I was in a Fantasy Baseball league with my friends, a multi-year league, where we kept 10 players from year to year, its what's known as a keeper league.  Anyway, for some reason our group was titled The Great American Scream Machine.  Which was based on the name of a group I was in in middle school with some of the fantasy baseball league members where we had a project where we had to divide into groups, over a prolonged period of time, and build a bridge out of wood and whatnot.  And we learnt about devising a budget, designing the bridge, building it out of wood, and all that, ultimately with the goal of competing with the other groups in that class to have the best bridge that could hold the most weight for the longest.  We came in second but the point is one rejected name for our group was The Great American Scream Machine. [We ultimately went with one of two of my suggestions, I can't remember which-- either 'Five Guys & a Bridge' or 'The Broken Bridge.']
And that name (Great American Scream Machine) came from a roller coaster at Six Flags: Great Adventure.  Anyway, it's all a roundabout way of saying my first instinct for Great American was write a novel about either a high schooler or college person being drafted into a professional sport-- probably baseball, because that's what I know.  It could be before the draft.  It could be during the draft.  It could be after the draft!  And isn't it a thing in collegial sports to be All American?  Maybe that could work into this somehow.  Great American.  Anyway, the point is, sure I'm full of great ideas as long as the impetus for the idea is based on a random thing that I've experienced at some point in my life for some reason.
Sure, I guess.  Two more paragraphs for this block.  Then presumably call it a day.  Anyway.  I got diet Mountain Dew from the supermarket and its appearance is very unsettling.  It's literally a neon yellow.  If I turned the lights out, I wouldn't be surprised if it glows in the dark.  That's not exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for from my beverages.  Anyway.  Well, teacher and classmates were pretty clear about me doing this mental illness stuff for the show the class culminates in, so I'll work on it for the final 2 weeks of class, and just go with it.  Who am I to argue?  Some guy?  Who likes arguing things for some reason?  That's not the guy I've been presenting myself as in this class!  Maybe in Stand Up Lawyer class I'll play that part, but not here!
    Last paragraph!  I guess.  Over 50% chance the next entry'll be in June.  That's fun.  I can switch up the color scheme again!  Feels like its been forever since white font on black background.  Which I consider the standard Crazysheet format.  It comes from when I was on Xanga, which was a blogging network thing back when I was a freshman in high school.  I didn't have any friends, either in real life or even on the internet, but I knew people who had blogs on that site.  So I did.  And the format I chose back then was white courier new on a black background.  All things that have an ending have a beginning.  Most things even have a middle but you won't hear about that most places.  Ugh.  See ya later.

-3:14 P.M.


Monday, May 27, 2019

I'll Nighttime You!

        Hey I'm involving you in the entry!  That's fun for everybody.  Suddenly this is an interactive experience where you're getting Nighttime'd or something and whatnot hey what else is going on.  Got comedy class tomorrow and I don't know what I'm gonna talk about yet.  Partly writing this entry specifically to get the creative juices flowing in the hopes that it somehow leads to something.  Also, partly writing this entry because I'm sort of pot committed to this whole crazysheet thing.  Been doing it too long to just quit all of a sudden now!  Also, it feels like there's a lot of positive momentum for me in the doing of Crazysheet.  In general, I feel like as time goes on, it gets better and/or more worthwhile personally and/or becomes necessary by default as it is the only remaining thing in life that I can do that's somewhat productive.  Finished school.  Quit smoking, lost weight, got in better shape, quit drinking for the most part... all that's left of Productivity is Crazysheet.
Dangit I hate it when that happens!  At the very least, I'm trying to come up with some one-off jokes I can tell tomorrow that I already have written.  So far, got (1) Calling people slow/quick for being stupid/smart should be flipped.  Which was a riff I did here a couple months ago.  Gotta go back in time to see how that one went exactly, but if I remember it as well as I think I'm remembering it, there might be a laugh or two in there as strange as that sounds.  (2) That's all I thought of so far that's why I came back to crazysheet.  I was gonna browse the last few months in completion to find some jokes, however, I can't will myself to do it.  Dunno if its the time it would take to comb through all this crap for actual jokes, or if I subconsciously just don't really wanna know what the Hell I've been up to... Anyway I'm gonna take a break from exposition to eat dinner soon, then take a walk, then come back here and write the entry as it should be written.  See ya soon!

I'll Nighttime Y... Oh I Already Said That

        Nevermind!  Saw BookSmart yesterday.  One of the girls was named Book and the other one was named Smart.  I forget which one was which.

Most Of My Experience Is In Titling

        Anyway now I'm really back from eating dinner and then taking a walk during which I was pretty sure I shat myself and I waddled my way to the Starbucks Bathroom and Guess What Friends False Alarm!  So the point is everything's coming up roses.  The point is this is more or less the third paragraph and the most logical assumption is that I'm gonna be aiming for 10 as of now for some reason.  Tomorrow is class #4 of 6.  Starting to think of it less in terms of what can I put into this class and more in terms of what can I get out of this class.  I mostly already figured out what the class is all about.  I came up with some jokes and sorta figured out who I am in relation to the rest of these outcasts and misfits.  Now its time to start thinking well okay the class went the way it did now how am I gonna utilize what I learned or the connections I made or whatever to help me moving forward.
I get to move forward!  Yes!  And the answer to that question might simply be forget it I'm not gonna be a comedian move on with my life.  But I still have to conceptualize what happened this month and a half as something.  Maybe it won't turn out to be a pivotal moment in the narrative of The Life Of Me, but I gotta think of it somehow one way or another or something like that, right?  The point is okay sure what else is going on.  Crept back up in poker to an amount worth withdrawing again.  Crept is what bakers say when referring to what they did when they made that pancake pastry type thing you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
    With a quick wit like that, how can I not be committed to becoming a comedian?  I don't have all the answers.  I don't even have most of the answers.  I don't even think I have any more than two or three answers, maybe four, tops.  And also, I don't have all of those 4 answers at the same time.  Can't hold any more than one answer at a time.  As soon as I come to a profound realization wherein One Answer occurs to me, the Previous Answer in my brain goes away, at least temporarily.  Anyway, what paragraph are we into.  Fifth!  Roughly halfway there if I write 10 paragraphs.  But roughly 0% there if I'm thinking in terms of this entry's goal being to somehow help me come up with jokes for tomorrow.  Because I've made no progress in regards to that. 
    I hate it when the diner I order from 5 times a week throws in an extra cookie or something as a bonus.  Today we got a jumbo black and white.  Look.  I'm having a hard enough time obsessing over cookies as it is.  I don't need you wreaking havoc on my world by giving me a bonus black and white, okay?  You're not doing me a favor.  You're causing me a worldful of anxiety, self doubt, and recalibration.  I got no use for it!  None!  Sure, "Worldful," is a word.  Wordful.  Wait.  Whirlpool.  That's what I was thinking of.  Wonderful.  You just said a word full!  Hey the world is full of anxiety self doubt and recalibration!  How about that!  I feel uniquely qualified to comment on world affairs thusly.  Those are the areas of my expertise. 
    I was talking to my brother earlier and he asked if I could choose any kind of writing, any kind at all, what kind of writer would I want to be.  And I asked, with my current set of skills, or if I could have unlimited skills and writing ability?  He meant with the current set of skills I have (although you can make room for improvement given the passage of time and having practice, etc.)  Didn't have answer for his question, but my first instinct to answer if I had unlimited powers was well I'd write the best novel ever. Great American Funny Novel.  Funny Novel, Great American.  It's not something I'd ever think of consciously unprompted as if it's something I wanna do, but thinking back on that conversation, maybe that reveals something about me that I'm not really sure of.
    Either that, or I'd wish for a thousand kinds of writing jobs!!!  Where's Will Smith when you need him.  Ok my first wish is to write monologue jokes.  My second wish is to be able to write comedy sketches.  Third wish-- this is gonna be a surprise-- parody songs.  No, I know, I hate parody songs as much as you do and everyone else does!  They're terrible!  That's why I wanna be able to do it!  Do 'em good and right!  Everyone'll be on my side once my great parody songs come about!  I don't know, what else is going on.  Being Funny is Novel and I am a Great American.  I feel very strongly about this.  What else is going on.  Eighth paragraph.  Two more after this theoretically.  Still have no clue what to do for tomorrow. 
    Such is life!  Also, no, parody songs have nothing to do with The New Monkees.  The New Monkees have real songs that maybe when you think about it the message may be a little amusing but they're real, good songs.  Not real good songs.  But they are both real and good at the same time and are songs as well.  Also, genuine and heartfelt yet sarcastic and acerbic.  And classic and familiar yet brand new and original at the same time.  Also they're The Funny Great American Band.  What else is going on.  Only one more paragraph after this one!  We did it!  Well, I did.  You sorta just watched.  But thanks for watching! Without imagining anyone watching, this may never have been accomplished in the first place!
I mean, how cool would it be to be able to say you wrote a really great novel.  Doesn't get much cooler than that.  That's my opinion.  Booksmart was pretty good.  Obviously I'm not the target demographic but I'm young enough to feel some sort of kinship with this younger generation.  Not that far off!!! The closest equivalent for my generation's Coming-of-age comedy is probably Superbad, but I was a little too old for that, too.  Probably the same age as the actors, but I was like a sophomore in college when the characters were seniors in high school.  In high school, I can't think of any movie in that genre that clicked for me.  The closest thing I can think of is Spiderman.  Not really a joke there.  Spiderman was my Teenage-Coming-of-Age movie.  I'm sure that didn't influence me at all, though.  Just a normal adolescence and young adulthood for me, thanks!  See ya later.

-8:45 P.M.   


Thursday, May 23, 2019

Money Don't Matter

        Well, some money matters.  This is more in regards to whether I end up losing all my poker money from the last 3 or 4 months or if I ultimately withdraw an amount as high as, say, 500 dollars.  I probably averaged three or four hours a day for three months entertaining myself, and a few hundred dollars here or there isn't as big a deal as it feels when I'm playing.  Also, hey just lost most of my poker money no big deal I don't have to hang myself just to illustrate to my parents I take money seriously.  I think that's part of it.  To me, money is kind of an abstract concept.  I understand I have some money coming in, a lot going out, and it's just pooled with what my parents have.  And I understand that it's important because we live in a market economy so our lives kind of revolve around it.  But I think the underlining subconscious high I get from winning money or downer I get from losing is really just this would make my parents (or, reasonable people who understand the value of money in general) happy for me or the opposite.
    So that settles that.  Man is poker stressful.  I don't want to play poker anymore!  I haven't for weeks if not months!  But my parents won't let me withdraw!  So I unconsciously want to lose what I have so I can stop!  Because as long as I have nothing to do all day and there's money on poker I will keep playing it because it's an easy way to occupy myself!  So the point is if I lose all my money it's because I wanted to.  Kind of a Trumpian way of conceptualizing personal finances.  Or anything, for that matter.  Oh boy he's rubbing off on me.  That's what she said.. and her, too.  And then 20 more people as well.  Anyway what else is going on.
    I get ~12, 13 thousand dollars a year from social security because of my mental illness.  That's Democrats for ya.  Rewarding people for being sick.  As long as they're getting paid, what's their motivation for ever getting better?!?!  That's 'Moderate' Republicans way of conceptualizing personal finances.  So, when people like Joe Biden praise moderate Republicans (and Biden even endorsed some of them over Democrats in elections-- he did this last year!), that's the kind of attitude they're on board with.  If that's the future of the Democratic party, I'm pretty depressed.  There Sicky goes, gettin' himself mentally ill again.  Why can't he just learn to value money more?   That'll solve his problems!
Thanks for the tip.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I value money.  It just doesn't value me.  Not sure if that makes sense but it seems like it would in some sort of universe, right?  Anyway, what else is going on.  Had 1/3rd of Sushi.  Wonderful.  Fourth paragraph.  Figure I'll take a walk after 5th paragraph.  Get another iced coffee.  I learnt a life hack you can do at Starbucks where you order your cold brew and you say no water and they just replace the water with more coffee!!!  It's a secret don't tell anybody.  If everyone starts doing it, they might have to raise the price of a cold brew by 1 cent, because presumably water is cheaper than coffee, and I'd have really shot myself in the foot by sharing this with other people.
    I was thinking about how when you're getting beverages from Starbucks or whatever, or sides like French fries from fast food places, where you're rewarded for getting things in sizes you don't really want or need.  Upgrade to a large for 20 cents.  Upgrade to extra large for another 7 cents.  It should be the other way around!  We shouldn't be rewarding people for consuming more than they need and putting a bigger strain on our planet and resources!  Especially when apparently there's not enough resources to go around!  There are people starving and we're rewarding (relatively) rich people to consume more than they need or even really want.  I don't have any answers for how to address this, and maybe its just something we have to put up with to keep things going the way they are, but it still kinda seems like a good representation of how things aren't quite right.  Anyway, gonna take a walk.  And get a Largest Size Cold Brew.  With no water.  Cause I've got no real principles at least for the next hour or two!  Maybe this is a good way of conceptualizing it-- at least in my limited knowledge of economics-- its like if we had a reverse carbon tax.  Sort of.  Like, if we were rewarding companies for drilling for more oil. Wait I think we are doing that in some ways to some extent.  But its socialism that's scary, right?


Go Fish
I think cinnamon gum is doing itself a disservice branding itself as Red.  I see the Cinnamon flavor of Trident all the time, it's red, so I'm thinking, oh, it's gonna be like spicy sort of.  A spicy cinnamon.  But no-- it's a sweetish cinnamon!  But red makes me think of it more as a spice-- which it is-- but you don't wanna accentuate the spiciness when selling a gum.  People want sweet from gum, not spice!  So don't make the freaking packages red okay?  Cause I tried a pack-- it's pretty good-- not too spicy or anything!  But you're shooting yourself in the foot by trying to sell it as a spicy alternative to the more obviously sweet flavors.  I don't care how much of an untapped market you think, "Spicy Gum," has-- you'll sell more cinnamon gum if you make it clear its sweet.  I feel very strongly about this. 
Anyway.  Stopped at Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee and there were two young ladies there who I found very stimulating.  It's a real turn on to see girls who aren't clearly out of my league.  People who are, let's say, in the bottom 50% of attractiveness really get me going.  And that's a large group and it doesn't mean I'm selling myself short (Although me being short gives me a hard time selling myself!).  I mean, 50%, that means a totally average looking woman will do it for me!  But anyway, that's how I feel these days about that sort of thing.  Jeez.  Also, the way I tend to value money in regards to playing poker, is that its pretty much just a matter of pride.  I win in poker, I feel good, because it makes me feel like I'm good at something.  And when I lose, I feel bad, because it makes me feel like a sucker.  And that Being-Good-Or-Bad-At-Something isn't something meaningless like, say, being good at writing.  It's actually being good or bad at something meaningful that regards Money!  You're good at winning money in poker, that speaks highly of your prospects for being Good At Getting Money in general!
    Unlike being good at writing.  Which speaks highly of your prospects of being an antisocial dumbhead who takes himself too seriously and is empirically of no value to society and probably has no future so probably should consider hanging himself at this point.  Eighth paragraph.  I got that going for me.  I've been writing like a madman this month.  I like it!  It's because I constantly need to wipe the slate clean from the previous entry.  That's my main motivating factor in writing these entries lately.  Gotta erase all evidence of how stupid I was yesterday.  But today I'm finally smart!  Whew that's a relief.  Maybe that means I won't have to write again tomorr-- wait a second today's entry wasn't so great now that I think about it.
Cool!  Anyway, jeez.  Maybe get Chipotle for dinner tonight.  It's fun because it has a lot of ingredients that I like-- all at once!  Meat.  Beans.  Rice. Wow that's a lot of stuff.  I guess, sure, why not.  Not as good as it once was, though.  When I first started getting Chipotle-- I got the full burrito!  Man oh man is that tortilla shell good.  But then gave up the tortilla to get the bowl.  But, still, the cheese was good!  Now I've had to give up the cheese, as well.  Still pretty good!  But what's next?  I have to give up rice?  When does the madness end!  When I ask you!  When!  Madness!!!  Paragraph!  That's really what I want to end!  The paragraph!  But I feel it's not quite there yet!  But it probably will be after lets say the next sentence!  Yeah there's no motivation for this sentence to be particularly long because I'm already committed to considering the end of this sentence as being long enough so even if this sentence is abnormally short I've gladly forced myself into a corner where I wouldn't mind that much!
    Cool!  10th paragraph.  At this point, maybe 15 would be about right, maybe?  Cool.  Alright placed order for Chipotle @ 6:30-7:00.  That'll show 'em, that'll show all of 'em!  Anyway, I was watching a documentary about The Price Is Right, and it wasn't the main thrust of the documentary, but something I learnt was that when Bob Barker went Have your pets spayed or neutered he was being serious.  I always thought it was some weird jokey thing to say, like, isn't that random, lol... its also funny I guess because its a funny concept, taking away sexual reproduction from a living species, makes me laugh the jokes on them lol.  But it turns out I was the only person thinking this.  Everyone else just took it at face value and that's how he meant it.  Just do it, control the dog and cat population.  The whole time I thought it was just some sort of weird inside joke between whoever's on the inside and Bob Barker. 

Part III: The Thirdening

I guess.  Five paragraphs to go!  Drinkin a bit of beer this afternoon.  Got a pack of 18 `12 oz cans last week and figure it'll last me about two weeks.  That's affording myself a fair amount of alcohol while still being pretty reasonable and healthy, I think.  I think I think.  I think I think I think.  But I can't really remember anymore.  What else is going on.  What have I been watching these days.  Re-watched Extras.  That's over now.  Watched a few mediocre horror movies.  That's a good go-to for me but there's only so many of them in the world.  Only so many of them?  Great!  There's so many of them!  That's a relief I was worried there weren't many of them!  That's how language works if it feels like it.
    Cool.  Whattado when this entry is over.  I've drank 2 beers.  Probably gonna aim for 3.  That means what I've done + 50%.  Wow that's a lot!  50%, that's pretty much halfway and also the amount of girls who are potentially in my league.  Look, am I being generous to myself by imagining that the exact average looking girl is in my league?  Possibly.  But ya gotta reach for the stars in life.  Sure its a good way to dislocate your shoulders but who cares lets move on.  I don't know.  This third of the entry isn't exactly writing itself.  But that's part of life, right?  Sometimes you gotta put in some extra effort if you want things to be divided neatly into thirds.
    Story of my life.  Still no TV.  Been a year and a half since I graduated/turned 29, whichever one it was supposed to be a gift for.  Mom tries to make me feel like an asshole every time I bring it up and mostly succeeds.  Yet I still do it relatively often because It Feels Good To Be Right and also I Want a TV Jeez but on the other hand Stop Making Me Feel Like An Asshole You're Succeeding In Making Me Feel Like An Asshole Why Are You Doing That When You're The One Whose Wrong Why Should I Suffer Doubly In Terms Of Not Having That TV I Should Have And Also Now Feeling Like An Asshole On Top Of It?
    Story of my life.  Now that I think about it, I blame TV.  It's like the end of Poltergeist when they get rid of the TV from their Hotel Room.  This whole conflict is entirely because of TV.  Anyway, what else is going on.  14th paragraph.  Two more to go!  Wonderful.  I've been liking cream soda lately.  Not that far off from CoffeeSoda.  Cream is sorta the flavor I'm enjoying from coffee, presumably it's actually the milk in the coffee I've been enjoying now that I think about it, if Cream Soda gives me that same kick.  So the point is there's a whole lot to unpack in that, regarding my feelings about cream/cream soda/coffee/etc, and I'll get to it eventually, but not right now.
    Last paragraph!  Wonderful.  Figure I'll have half of one of those jumbo cookies when this entry is over.  Only had 1 lunch today on account of drinking beer!  So half of that cookie blah blah blah whatever.  Nothing happens in life without TV.  How do I know the outside world even exists?  Sure I take three walks a day and often get coffee.  So I know the world have been continuing on at a relatively normal pace since the last time I saw TVBut beyond that, who knows what's going on?  Not me!  I don't have a TV to tell me and show me!  Oh well, what can ya do, not much, right?  Probably.  I'm right roughly 80% of the time.  I crunched the numbers and everything!  I'll see ya'll some other time.

-2:51 P.M.   


Wednesday, May 22, 2019

What If Comedy Happened?

        There's no telling how introducing comedy to this website would shake things up!  Anyway, Hi!  Had class #3 of 6 last night.  I'll get to talking about how that went in a minute, but first, here's a real winner of a premise I thought of on my way home-- If, "Malcolm X," was like, "Latinx."  That's all I got so far.  And ever.  Kinda doubt I'll think of any direction that could go.  But, hey, class went pretty good.  Came up with some new stuff on the way to class, thankfully.  Did a short bit about walking in NYC when its extremely crowded.  I had gotten off at Penn Station around 5:30 PM and walked uptown on Broadway for about a mile.  Here's what I came up with.  In crowded situations like this, there's two kinds of people in the world-- those who are aggressively walking into other people, and those who are getting aggressively walked into themselves. 
Then I immediately came up with the tag and the third kind of person, who steps to the side to write down a stupid joke in his notepad.  Anyway, the bit went on.   My strategy is to find some guy really good at clearing his own path, get behind him, sorta act like its my own private motorcade with this guy leading the way.  And then, finally, if you can get really good at forging your own path, there's a lot of pride in being able to lead others through the path you're clearing.  It's like Hey everyone, FOLLOW ME!  I'll get us through this!!  Like a) Moses leading the Israelites b) a good hearted coyote leading a caravan c) ...didn't have a C.  I had to specify, "Good hearted coyote," because I'm under the impression they're evil for trying to help people achieve a better life.  Evil, evil stuff.
    Then before class I tried out this pizzeria for dinner.  Came up with a couple of jokes there.  About how, especially in NYC, in a busy place often populated with touristy type clientele, I feel like there's some sort of pressure to consume things in a proper New Yorker type way.  Eating pizza is a good example of this.  For example, I get my pizza, I blot it for oil. Feel like there's nothing wrong with that in the privacy of my own home, but in this New York Pizza shop, are the other people there like look at this pizza newbie, jerk, doesn't know how to eat authentically, etc.  Then, that feeling times ten if you're using a fork and knife to cut up your pizza.  Which I do sometimes at home, but no way am I even gonna consider that here.
    Then I finished it with something I started off here a couple of weeks ago about the guy judging me for my pizza topping combination.  About how I go I'll have mushroom and eggplant and they roll their eyes and go, you don't know what you're doing, fine, its your funeral.  But in Crazysheet, the tone of that was that I felt bad and they probably knew best and I was embarrassed.  When I did the bit at class, though, I was like, Look, I know what I'm doing.  Don't judge me based on my pizza choices.  So, great.  Then I closed it out with some of the Starbucks stuff, but the closing joke I didn't do here, cause I didn't think of it until an hour before class as well.  You know how you get the straw wrapped up in paper or whatever, so you pull off the paper and use the straw  alright you get it.  I couldn't rip it on my first try.  I'm holding it horizontally, trying to pull from both ends to rip it alright you know the standard way to do it
 but the point is it didn't rip on my first try.  And my joke was that there's nothing more emasculating than not being able to rip paper. 
If I had to guess, I'd say the term coyote for someone helping people find a better life wasn't their choice.  It's kinda double speak when you think about it.  Coyotes: The Animals are scavengers out for themselves preying on stranded animals, picking them off one at a time.  Migrant-Helpers take care of groups of people by aiding them in a journey or something.  Anyway, I don't know, maybe they came up with the term themselves and I'm just wildly misinterpreting it!  Jeez.  Fifth paragraph already!  Eatin' lunch during this entry.  Lunch #1, at least.  Cinnamon Raisin Bagel with some lox.  Good stuff!  I'm having fun with it, at least.
    So far, three or four days in, this diet is actually working pretty well for me.  Three ~400 cal meals, one ~650 cal meal, and a fair amount of bonus calories allotted for snacks, indulging in a bigger meal here and there, stuff like coffee, gum, etc.  It's been sustainable, I haven't been focusing on food that much, so, great, so far so good.  Wore my glasses to comedy class yesterday, and people seemed to agree that they make me funnier and/or fit my persona better and/or make me some sort of hot hot sex object.  Well, they didn't quite explicitly say the last one so much, but I feel like it was heavily implied.  The point is I'm looking forward to having sushi from the supermarket for lunch #2 and if that's not comedy I don't know what is.
    In fact, I don't know what comedy is even if that is comedy.  The point is simply I Don't Know What Comedy Is.  But it's never too late to learn!  Anyway.  For some reason I was having a brief serious conversation with my Mom about possibly doing a bit about my mental illness for comedy class, and she framed it in a way I never really thought about.  Which is that, my mental illness is a step beyond Anxiety or Depression or ADD.  It's something that, I guess, can scare some people.  I never really thought of that but it's pretty true, I guess, if my Mom thinks it, and obviously that's her opinion of how I come off to other people.  That they might think I'm dangerous or something.
    And, here's the thing, I've never been self concious about talking about my mental illness around creative types, which is where I've done most of my socializing the last few years.  Open mics and whatnot (and, for that matter, this website), the main audience I attract and/or care about is other performers and writers and artists and whatnot, and I probably rightly assume many of them have either have mental illness themselves or are at least familiar enough with that subset of people that they're not gonna judge you.  So I could give a fig about being up front about my own problems.  But if I'm doing a comedy show to a random audience and I say hey I get paranoid sometimes or there's the occasional voice in my head nothing scary just neutral, generic type stuff or even just use the phrase schitzo-effective disorder that might disturb them.  Me being disturbed disturbs other people.  How ironic.
So, sure, I don't know where I'm at with that.  I feel like it would probably be really therapeutic to tackle that topic specifically with an audience like that, but whatever.  I'm not there for therapy, I'm there to be light and breezy and un-imposingly amusing.  I already have a therapist and a psychiatrist for talk therapy.  I don't need any more therapists. Also, this website.  Also, YOUR MOM.  Comedy!  Yo Mama's so fat that she's very self conscious so she's awkward socially and thus she's desperate for attention so that she'll humor me by listening to my problems even though I'm not much of a fun person to hang out with!  I thought of a concise way to think about Comedy Class in terms of Punnish Logic.  We're all there to humor each other.  That's essentially what the class is.  One person does a few minutes of comedy to the rest of the class.  Presumably humorous.  It's not really.  Then we spend several minutes telling the guy or gal how truly decent it was.  That's the humoring.  Some sort of irony or punderstanding or something going on there, I don't know.
    And I'm not above that.  And I buy into it as much as everyone else!  Between the rest of the students and the teacher, I see everyone else go, get humored, feel some slight pity for them, and then I go up, get humored, and am for the duration of the humoring am like Holy Shit I Killed!  Everyone loves me!  And over the next half hour I gradually realize, Ooop, right.  That's how we're making everyone feel and we're all buying it somehow!  That being said, most of the other people in the class are legitimately good.  I mean, not necessarily the most creative, original, or laugh out loud funny material.  But most of the other people have a really good sense of what they're trying to do, the persona they're trying to present is working, they're really presenting a united front with themselves, and they're funny enough.  Pretty impressive stuff.
    Also, teacher doesn't seem to mind that I'm doing new stuff each week.  So that's good, too!  But I figure by the last class, at the very least, I'll be re-practicing stuff that I wanna do for the actual show that we do.  That's just being responsible, right?  Probably.  11th paragraph.  Figure I'll take a walk after this paragraph is done.  Normally I like to take breaks after multiples of fives, but oh well, what are ya gonna do.  I think I forgot to do the the second and third jokes regarding crowded-sidewalk-walking when I did it for the class.  Just the first third.  Oh well, what are ya gonna do.  Can't do much!  Such is life.  Oh, for the first two classes, I took a Klonopin before the class started, not because I was sure I'd need it, but just sort of as a preventative measure.  But I forgot to take any with me yesterday, so I didn't have any.  And I was anxious and nervous as fuck.  But somehow I was able to get through it and they complimented me as if that was part of my persona.  Which could mean either they thought it was a front I was putting up-- a piece of acting sort of-- or they just think that me being anxious and nervous is an accurate representation of who I am in life 100% of the time and is the real me.  While neither is correct.  So we got that misconception of performers going for us is the point!  Seems pretty insightful.  I'm guilty of having those misconceptions of performers I admire.  Be back soon. 


I'm Happy With This Title

        No kiddin.  Back from a walk.  My Mom thinks I'm dangerous.  Hah.  Me? ... I'll get her for that.  ThThe point is I'm gonna have 3 sushi of the 9 individual sushis that were provided instead of 6 through all 9 of them because I'm gonna drink some beer.  One can of light beer equals two sushis.  Also, no clue how to correctly refer to sushis. My default assumption was okay one piece is one roll.  Don't think that's right!  I think the whole thing might be one roll!  Or, say, three of them is one roll!  Or 6!  Pretty sure its a multiple of 3!  But it's not 1 I'm pretty sure so I'm just gonna call 1 piece of sushi A Sushi.  Anyway.  Main reason I originally got contact lenses was for performing.  Turns out I'm better off with my glasses.  So I guess I'll switch it up and wear glasses for performance and wear contacts for the in-between days.  Not Fridays.  I'm busy being in love then.  ... ... ...Mint car.
No kiddin.  The Cure must have a third Day-Themed song.  You don't get all the way to Two Big Songs about days without getting to three, right?  Rule of threes!  Well, I was right.  Too right.  Looked up The Cure on Wikipedia, clicked the VERY FIRST ALBUM THEY RELEASED and it had tracks such as, "10:15 Saturday Night," and, "Another Day."  Two more day themed songs in the first 4 tracks they have.  There's no telling how many Day-Themed songs they ended up with and I'm not even gonna bother looking into it more!  I can't spend eight more paragraphs going through song titles, and I assume, at this rate, they must have several hundred more song titles involving days. 
    Anyway, what else is going on.  I guess The Cure is a Calendar.  It cures you of not knowing what day it is. Alright, figured out The Cure is a Calendar.  I've previously figured out what Meatloaf won't do for love (say the word, "Drugs"-- instead he says, "Drums" --presumably because he doesn't want to endorse drugs), what other song mysteries need figuring out.  Eh I don't like this riff.  See you in Hell, riff!  I'm onto bigger and better things!  14th paragraph we're into.  Probably gonna see Aladdin this weekend.  I like it because it's got that blue guy I like-- Will Smith.  I guess, of classic animated Disney movies throughout the ages, Aladdin was probably the one hitting the sweet spot for me/my very specific age-generation.  Other people roughly my age may have clicked with The Lion King (never seen it) or Mulan (saw it a few month ago, didn't love it).  ...Alright there were a lot of, "Classic," animated Disney movies in the 90's and Aladdin is the only one I've seen several times and/or clicked with me.  Are you happy now?  HAS EVERYTHING BEEN TIED UP IN A NEAT LITTLE BOW FOR YOU.
    When I grow up, I wanna be a Magic Carpet some day!  Can't hurt to dream.  Can hurt to be a magic carpet, though.  People always steppin' on ya and stuff.  No fun being a magic carpet.  You apparently have some sort of consciousness-- you can shrug your shoulders and emote and communicate a few different other things-- but you have no personality, you have no purpose other than people stand on you or sit on you.  Kinda sucks being a magic carpet is the point.  Why does the magic carpet need to be anthropomorphic?  Isn't it magic enough that it can fly?  Why does it need to have achieved self awareness, especially if you're not gonna even try to pretend you're gonna treat it with the respect such a being should demand?  Seems kind of egregious, and really, kind of cruel is the point.
    Jeez, what else is going on.  Five paragraphs to go theoretically.  Been creepin' up in poker again.  That's pretty much how poker goes.  Creep up a lot-- reach a plateau-- lose a bunch -- reach a plateau, creep up a lot-- lose a bunch-- reach a plateau...  That's life for ya.  If a plateau was a carpet with an attitude it'd have a platitude.  See, told ya I was mentally ill!  That sentence proves it once and for all!  Anyway, I think a lot of being part of a comedy community is riffing on each others jokes or whatever.  Last class there were roughly 16 people or so who each did 3 minutes.  I didn't say it out loud, but here's the one joke I thought based on someone else's routine-- lady talking about growing up Hindu AND I THINK OF GOING, "HINDU?  MORE LIKE HIN-DON'T!"  I didn't say it because I'm really not that crazy, but the point is in 3 hours that's the only thing I came up with on my feet.
    17th paragraph!  I don't believe it.  One thing I wrote down in my notepad that apparently people praised yesterday was I had funny posture or something.  I wrote down Posture Is Good.  I have no idea what that means, but-- wait I know exactly what it means I just don't get it.  It means that the way I was standing was funny.  Maybe I was hunched over a bit, I don't know.  But whatever it was, it clicked with people!  There's so much to comedy that I never would have thought of.  Gotta have funny posture.  Live and learn!  What am I like the hunchback of Notre Dame?  Should I be ringing some bells?  You think this is funny, my chiropractor LOVES THIS a-hey-hey a-hey-hey!  Why don't you rub my back it's okay I'll only get a little excited!
That's how comedy works I guess.  Who knew.  Comedy class is half over.  Then its on to the next thing.  Thinking about sending an e-mail to comedy teacher with a bunch of questions including what open mics would you recommend.  Gotta figure out if I really wanna keep this stand-up comedy thing rollin' or just move on when the class is done.  I can see myself going in either direction at this point.  Found out these good cookies you can get fom bodegas or convenience stores.  "The Complete Cookie."  These jumbo sized cookies that are healthy and high in fiber and protein and taste great.  Perfect for either Lunch #1 or Lunch #2.  One lunch is like a real lunch, the other lunch is a huge cookie.  That's the kind of options having two lunches affords you.  Now do you see what I'm up to?  Starting to make sense yet?  Anyway, 18 paragraphs, and I'm done!  That's how things work nowadays.  I'll see ya later.

-2:47 P.M.


Monday, May 20, 2019

What Kind of Title Is That?

        Not a great one.  Anyway.  Is using the touch-mouse that comes with the laptop, as opposed to an extra mouse you hold and move around with your hand to move the mouse icon as opposed to using your fingers on the touch one-- anyway you know what I mean-- is that good practice for female genital stimulation?  My guess is on one hand probably not but on the other hand get that other hand on a fake touch-mouse under the laptop to practice some anal stimulation.  That's how computers work if you want them to.  Anyway, what in the what, another day, another entry.
I was thinking about it, and today, I'm in favor of the number six.  Yesterday was extolling the virtue of Comedy In Fives, but I'm over that.  Now I'm all about Comedy In Sixes.  I'd do some sort of weird faux-comedy-bit that means nothing about hmm comedy in sixes what would that entail in a humorous anecdotal type thing but I don't feel like it right now, maybe later in the entry.  Probably later.  I'll get back to it!  But, for now, gotta say, I went a solid 2 or 3 weeks without thinking about cigarettes at all but now they're a little bit on my mind.  Mostly in the way that hey I find myself coughing sometimes, I bet that's related to all those times I used to smoke cigarettes, and apparently its not out of my system yet.  But also, here and there, thinking, hey I remember smoking cigarettes, that was fun.  But, as of now, still no real risk of going back.  Just the realization that hey smoking cigarettes made me feel good mentally.  Just not physically.  Or even mentally in the long run probably.  Oh well what can ya do.
    Theme Song for The New Monkees has the lyrics Hey Hey We're The New Monkees over and over.  Well, one complication.  Sometimes it just goes A-Hey-Hey, A-Hey-Hey.  And then back to just Hey Hey, We're The New Monkees.  I'd tell ya the chord progression but I'm not 100% comfortable sharing that just yet.  Maybe later on in the entry.  One more little taste, though-- one song that's 80% written is titled Get Off My Back.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Is that a The New Monkees song, or is it a song from before they became The New Monkees, or were they always the New Monkees and its just from before they got a TV series?  I've raised a lot of interesting questions about the origins of The New Monkees which I supposedly have most of the answers to but you don't!  Suck on that! 
    How exciting.
  Next entry will have another 2 or 3 teasers of rote facts about this imaginary TV show.  Rest of this entry will not.  But, apparently, will have some sort of nonsense about rule of sixes in comedy.  I'm working my way up to it!  It's still gestating in my BackgroundMind.  There's seven main characters in The New Monkees.  I know I previously said Eight but I wasn't really thinking when i said that.  So, next entry, when I'm up to considering The Rule of Sevens, I know that'll actually be correct.  I just know it!  Five was a joke.  I never really believed in the rule of fives.  Today, I came to the realization, hey, maybe five is pretty funny... but sixes are funnier.  And I'm VERY confident that I will come to a genuine conclusion by next entry about Sevens Actually being perfect and perfectly funny.
    We'll get there!  It'sa comin'!  What paragraph am I at.  What about eight?  Nope only the fifth paragraph!  No I mean what about there being A Rule Of Eights?  Get out of here with that bullshit!  Eight is too much!  People can't keep track of the number eight!  It's impossible!  Anyway, I got lunch in about fifteen minutes.  Lunch #1.  Which, today, is sort of a Brunchish meal.  Half a Belgian Waffle, One Point Five egg whites, and a couple of pieces of Canadian bacon.  It's a real United Nations.  You get Belgium, Canada, and.. Egg Whites.  Gotta imagine Egg Whites are somehow a reference to some sort of country somewhere on our Flat Earth, right?  Without actually reading the article, I saw a headline on Facebook from some reputable website, It's time we took Flat Earthers seriously.  I disagree! 
    I mean, I'm guessing the gist of the article wasn't that we should take Flat Earthery seriously, but that we should be cognizant of the unfortunate fact that its caught on with a lot of people.  Either way, I Disagree!  In fact, I think having Do you believe in a flat Earth? is a perfect litmus test to whether you should be taken seriously or not.  If you say yes, I know right away to not take seriously!  It's a system that works perfectly and this article is trying to muck it up!  Is Donald Trump a Flat Earther?  I remember reading anecdotes of him as president seeming to not understand how the Earth is a sphere and the implications of that.  This isn't a bit.  That's true.  I'm not making this up.  Whether that means he sort of accepts the Earth is a globe and just doesn't 100% Get It, or whether he explicitly believes the world is flat, I can't say.  But not being able to say whether the president does or does not believe in a flat Earth doesn't exactly instill me with confidence.  I'ma go get lunch  out of the oven.  

The Creation of a Joke In Real Time

        Hey, Starbucks time!  Wait, no, let me start over.
hey, Starbucks, we h... wait hold on.
I'm better than this.
Take a breath.
I get Starbucks all the time.  Every day.  Hmm.  Ok.  This isn't the real joke yet.  Now I'm just gonna riff on it knowing it's just for this website and not the final phrasing for comedy class.  Ok.  HEY Starbucks time!  Wait no let me start over.

I drink coffee all the time.  I get Starbucks once a day, every morning.  Also, I get Dunkin Donuts every day.  Every afternoon!  And they all know me there.  Always congenial.  I mean, to me, it's always been a positive experience.  I know they're trained to be nice, and it's not just that they love and care about me as a person, but it still always felt like Hey Mike, another great day in the neighborhood!  They may or may not mean it but there was some imagined mutual respect in both of us playing our roles of Conscientious Starbucks Worker and Polite And Normal Consumer. 


The Retreat Towards Accepting Nothing Is Ever Accomplished

        Such is life, I guess.  The gist of the joke was/is going to be what I started in the last paragraph of the last entry.  I guess I'm just not 100% there yet to work on it.  The good news is I started lunch and I'm having a blast eating lunch.  I'm thinking of really comitting to the idea of Two Lunches and get another Proper Lunch as the 2nd lunch.  This was a proper lunch.  And maybe like a 6 inch healthy Subway Sandwich in three or four hours.  Having two lunches a day as opposed to just one is pretty much a fantasy life that I can actually make real.  Such is life, I guess.
    So, I'm gonna count that JokeCrap as zero paragraphs.  Making this the eighth paragraph.  Too high.  Its confusing people.  Can't we just say its the ninth paragraph, and that the number eight is uniformially regarded as so unlucky that we don't even use it?  Building owners not feeling comfortable having a 13th floor should have been a dead give away that people who make money with buildings are dumb.  Like Trump, ya see.  Because its a group of people who thought, NO WAY, WE CAN'T USE THE NUMBER 13!  WE'RE ADULTS BUT WE'RE GONNA GO FROM THE 12th FLOOR TO THE 14TH FLOOR YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL.  Or, they think so little of their prospective residents, that they think they're gonna care.  Either way, sounds like Trump.  Both being stupid and thinking everyone else is stupid. 
Cool!  Poker going okay.  This morning it was rigged to help me win a bit.  Tomorrow it'll probably be rigged again to make sure I lose.  Then the next day, who knows?!?!  It keeps going back and forth for some reason I'd like to understand one day!  Anyway Hey Starbucks Time!  Wait, no, let me start over.  I just got my credit card bill from the past month and it was insanely high because I started getting Iced Coffee/Cold Brews 2.5 times a day as opposed to 1.  Crazy how much money I've been wasting on that.  I originally was justifying it by saying well this is just while I'm quitting smoking, it's still cheaper than a pack of cigarettes a day, and I'll stop drinking this much coffee once I'm over cigarettes.  Well, I'm about as over cigarettes as I'm gonna get, so, time to cut it out!
    Cool!  I don't know.  I do like that very first sip of a New Cold Brew Iced Coffee.  I II bought it, I waited 3 minutes like a good boy, they give it to me, I take it, I'm on my way out the door... take that first sip oh yeah this is good.  I'm glad today 'I decided to get an Iced Coffee'\(or)/ 'I decided to get a Cold Brew' I really need to remember which one this was because I know for sure this is the one that's better.  MM-mm-mmm.  And by the time I'm home 20 minutes later it's already become a negative experience.  No matter how much I've drank on the way home, it's always me coming to the conclusion great I drank too significant a percentage of this already while just walking home.  What a waste. ...Can't wait till the next time I get this later.
  I'm gonna go get that Real Mouse.  I was experimenting writing this entry with just using the laptop mouse and it's been fine but hey I got stuff to do can't use this back-up mouse forever!  Hey that paragraph has some other nuggets I can expand on for a larger bit about Starbucks.  Main joke in there is I can never remember whether I like cold brew or regular iced coffee better.  That may be a universal experience, right?  Seems like the kind of thing people would experience but never think to talk/think about.  Same about being disappointed as you finish your iced coffee that there's a finite amount and not just an IV with caffeine in it hooked up to your veins 24/7.  I'm  assuming its the caffeine that we're addicted to.  I don't know for sure.  Maybe it's some sort of sweetness in the milk or, for me, the sugar free Vanilla flavor add on-- that's how it feels.  When I'm drinking iced coffee, it feels like I'm enjoying it for the taste augmented slightly maybe by the subliminal 'pick-me-up,' that i'm consciously aware of but would theoretically only experience subconsciously.  But that's probably all wrong.  It's my educated guess I'm actually just addicted to caffeine. 
    Cool!  12th paragraph.  After all this, I still feel like I wanna get another iced coffee this afternoon.  Oh well what can ya do.  Just say no.  Hey I can do that.  Kinda catchy.  I can do things that are catchy!  Maybe aim for 15 paragraphs today.  That seems about right for some reason.  Three and a half paragraphs to go in this scenario.  Wonderful.  So, here's the good news from today-- comedy is in sevens most likely but we'll find out for certain next entry, but I'm this close to figuring it out. --I was able to work on Starbucks bit naturally after failing when trying to force it.  still not 100% there, and class is tomorrow, but I'm gettin' there. --I may not need two lunches every day, because I wasn't exercising like an asshole this morning and, possibly related to that, I don't feel like I need to eat as much as I usually feel like. --poker is rigged in my favor for this morning and I'll try to feel out when it will be rigged in my favor again and wait until then to play.
  Anyway, three paragraphs to go!  This was a relatively fun entry because it put all the pain and bad memories from last entry out of our collective minds.  I'm not gonna do any bit tomorrow about how I was adjusting my impression of the class and what that means for how I'm approaching it.  Figured it was kind of presumptuous and combative and antagonistic, even if I really conveyed how I didn't mean any offense or anything.  So, good thing I good that out of my system and have a general idea of what tto talk about.  Starbucks!  Everyone loves Starbucks!  I can't believe I didn't realize Howard Shultz'z entire campaign was to get us to subconsciously get Starbucks.  Seemed like that should have been the first thing we thought, right?  But it never crossed my mind and thus he manipulated media coverage for a month or two to subliminally get us to think and go to and consume and spend money at Starbucks.
    Oh well, what can ya do.  Run for president so people will want Crazysheet.  I'm too young you idiot!  I can't run for president until 2024!!!  Whatta jip.  Penultimate paragraph.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Days are a lot more fun when you don't force yourself to do 2000 sit or push ups surrounded by 2.5 hours of walking in a circle watching a late night cartoon from over 20 years ago.  Somehow the combination of those things was driving me crazy.  Crazy, right?  Who woulda guessed those normal activities were, if not a sign of an unhealthy mind, certainly a precursor of one.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Nothing.  I'm going back to that routine tomorrow.  It's the only life I know.
I don't even want to be buff or whatever.  I'd rather just be skinny than have abs or muscles.  But this is my routine and I'm pot committed is the point.  Is buff still a word people use?  I feel like it's a word they would use in a late night cartoon from over 20 years ago and that's the kind of thing I take seriously for some reason.  Also, if you ever doubted Jason Alexander was a genuinely good actor, watch Duckman.  You totally forget its Jason Alexander, even though it sounds just like him (Because it is him), and the tone of the dialogue is even not that far off from other characters he's played, but you totally buy into the fact that this is an animated duck(-man) talking and not voice over work from Jason Alexander.  So, mission accomplished there, I guess.  I'll see ya later. 

-1:06 P.M.



Sunday, May 19, 2019

To Title Is To Begin The Entry

        I was gonna say To Title Is To Begin Entrying, but that only applies to me.  When I'm titling, it leads to me entrying, but for you, the title just leads to, "The Entry," as a noun.  For me, its a verb.  Hmm.  Fascinating.  Well it's only been a few sentences and I've already given myself a lot to think about.  Came up with the general idea of what I'm gonna riff on for Comedy Class #3 of 6.  I'm gonna talk about how This Class Is Going Well, Right?... and then segue into I get the feeling this class is to just polish 5 minutes to do at the ConclusionShow, but, with all due respect, seriously, I respect all dues, but I paid a hefty price for this class and I'm gonna do new stuff each week!  But as respectfully as possible.
    I mean, that's what comedy has been to me.  Just be honest week in week out about where you're at and try to find humor in it.  Job Please.  Anyway what's up.  Thinking about experimenting with different length entries.  Maybe as short as 5 paragraphs.  Maybe 10, 15.  I've narrowed it down to multiples of fives because in the comedy business we all know the rules of fives.  Which is that there's a rule of threes--- things in three are funny.  Then, four, not so funny.  Then, one more-- you're at five-- FORGET BEING AS FUNNY AS THREE, NOW WE'RE AT FIVE AND SUDDENLY IT'S HILARIOUS!  FOUR WAS A SNOOZE BUT OH MAN THANK GOD I STAYED AROUND FOR ONE MORE AFTER THAT FOUR CLUNKER.  I picked that up somewhere, I forget.  Maybe Comedy Class.  I think that's kind of how I imagined comedy class going.  Learning about the rules of comedy.  Instead, it's just everyone does their 2-5 minutes, teacher says I liked the decent parts and you gotta work on the not decent parts after each person goes.  Shit, I just figured out this is a waste of time and/or money.  Oh well, what can ya do.
Wait, no it isn't!  Teacher is instilling confidence and camaraderie in us.  Truly.  And that's worth something, right?  So, yeah, it may not be everything I hoped for, but it's still pretty worthwhile.  We're all friends now.  Next session in 2 days is Session #3.  Should be hilarious.  Because of my mostly-dormant mental illness, I can't shake the sense that online poker is rigged.  I mean, logically, sure, it's not.  No question.  Why and How and Who and What.  But it's just a subtle background feeling which I try not to acknowledge yet influences the way I play.  So the point is It Makes Me Play Worse But I Still Keep Playing for Some Reason.  Oh well, that's life for ya!  Gotta keep playing even though you're pretty sure it may be rigged but can't do much about it anyway so sure even if it is rigged at least someone's benefiting!  Your opponents might make better use of that money than you would have!!  They must be happy winning those poker pots.  And I'm happy for 'em. Gotta look at the bright side, the cup is half full and whatnot.
    Wait, no it isn't!  Oh well what can ya do.  Let's just agree there's a cup somewhere that may or may not have liquid in it and whether it's less than half, exactly half, or more than half, it doesn't really affect our lives in the slightest so who cares about this glass unless it has milk in it and someone spills it because then its time to bawl our fucking eyes out!  I don't play no games when it comes to spilt milk!  I won't stand for it and neither should you!  INTOLERABLE!  And, of course, the correct reaction to something bad happening is to start crying.  Mama will come soon enough to wipe away those tears.  Whatta scam.  We only got upset so Mama would comfort us.  Feels like Mamas being scammed!  Oh well what can ya do.
What paragraph we into now.  I hope that spilt milk wasn't from Mama's breasts.  Because she'd be pissed fuckin' off if it went to waste like that.  All her lactation went to waste!  What an ingrate you must be.  No, really, what paragraph are we into now.  Fifth paragraph.  I Can't Stop Laughing.  Hah!  We made it to five paragraphs.  Hilarious!  Maybe take a walk after this paragraph.  That gels with the 10 or 15 paragraph theory.  Anyway.  For Comedy Class, I can do 1 or 2 minutes on Hey How's The Class Going and then do another 1 or 2 minutes on Random Comedy Joke.  Last week I did the thing about... what was it... oh, right.  Preaching To The Choir.  And I introduced it by saying I just had this thought this morning... which was true!  It wasn't a scam to justify its randomness and act as if I had it saved up because I thought it was so great.  So, the point is, I can do as many random bullshits as I want, no matter when I thunk of them, who cares if they're not memorable at all.  Well, Preaching to the Choir was a little memorable.  After an ellipses it came back to me.  Gonna take a walk.  I'll Be back!

One Day At a Time

        That's my pitch for a Soap Opera.  Anyone interested?  What do you mean you don't have the resources nor the desire to fund my potential soap opera?  Where do you get off with that bullshit?  Anyway, been trying out some new flavors of gum.  Tropical Flavors.  It's like taking a holiday in my mouth!  Tropical Getaway and whatnot, sure, why not.  Figure one idea for the Random Bit Of Next Comedy Performance could be the why don't neo-Nazis ever have Hitler moustaches shit.  I typed, "neo-nazi," and Microsoft FrontPage insisted that was spelled wrong, and suggested I changed it to, "neo-Nazi," which it accepts.  Well excuse me for not showing neo-Nazis the proper respect by capitalizing, "Nazi!"  This is Microsoft FrontPage's, "Good people on both sides," moment.  Now we know how this computer application really feels.
    Came up with a good sustainable, exciting, economical diet regimen from now on.  Basically three small-medium meals and one medium-large meal.  Breakfast/Lunch(or Snack)/Snack (or Lunch)/Dinner.  With the first 3 being roughly the same amount of calories and Dinner being slightly larger.  I think that's the kind of schedule my body can get on and start to feel natural in.  You can read all about it in my new book What's The Best Diet For Michael?  Currently on sale for $59.99.  If I ever become wealthy enough to need a nutritionist and/or personal chef, this book is gonna come very much in handy!  You don't wanna miss out on those two potential opportunities!  Get prepared now so you're ahead of the game when the time comes!  Anyway.  Gotta change the vents for my house in a minute.  So that instead of being Give-Off-Heat-ready it'll be Give-Off-AirConditioning-ready.  Sure I'm an adult twice a year, what of it.

I Shall Come Up With Three Minutes

        Pretty much have to, there's no shall or shant about it.  Shant ought to be a word, right?  And we ought to use it as often as humanly possible, right?  Because it's great?  Holy crap I'm gettin' a contact high off the idea of titling every few paragraphs.  Sending shivers all across my body.  I gotta sit down, hold on a second.  Hold on a second, I already am sitting down.  Anyway, hey, what else is going on.  One day, when you're my personal chef and/or nutritionist, we'll laugh about this.  Awkward for now, but once we reach that point in the semi-distant future, this bit will be remembered fondly, I'm sure of that.  Anyway.  I'm addicted to caffeine.

What The Hell Are You Looking At

            Hey great how about that.  This is the ninth paragraph.  Figure I'm gonna either stop at 10 or go for 15.  The point is I'm done with errands and crap being a Man and now I'm back to talking to my computer.  Wonderful.  Gotta take a shower.  I'm all sweaty from mucking around in the attic.  Didn't find any toys.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Figure I'll finish this entry, take a shower, have Lunch #2 (or, Lunch #1, and previous Lunch was a Big Snack), then muck around on the internet for a few hours, see how that goes.  Anyway, what the what.  Wait, I can't take a shower, I'm wearing my contacts.  Doctor Forbade It!  Ah, but its the forbidden shower that tastes the sweetest.  What to do, What to do!
    Last paragraph.
  I've been acting under the impression that coming into Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks every day was normal, and the people there are friendly, and are like Hey Mike how's your day, just another fine day in the neighborhood!  But now I'm thinking they see us regulars all as addicts.  Hey here to get your caffeine fix you junkie you?  Hah.  We roped ya in and now you can't stop!  Welp, better continue being friendly and congenial to you because that's as powerful a drug as the caffeine itself to some antisocial loser like you!  So the point is I got that going for me.  Anyway, I'll see you all later.  Not literally. 

-2:40 P.M.



Saturday, May 18, 2019

The World'll Keep Titling Without Me

        Probably.  Just not as well.  Here's a good title for a book-- You Can't Judge a Book By Its Title.  Uh-oh.  Cause that's exactly what I was gonna do.  I guess I better judge it by its cover, then.  I have no other points of reference to judge this book unless I open it for some reason.  Maybe judge it by the back cover.  That seems right.  Don't we do that in real life?  Hey it's a synopsis and some critics' quotes.  Alright I'm gonna join the rest of society and judge this book by it's back cover.  You can judge a book by it's jacket.  That's probably what cool kids do.  But that requires sort of opening it.  And that's pretty presumptuous of you.  The book never gave you consent to open it.  Gotta purchase it first!  Otherwise, you're stealing!  Anyway, this sure was an introductory paragraph.
    Saturday afternoon entry.  Just finished my 3 hours of walking in circle augmented by lots of push ups and sit ups.  Now the plan is drink 3 12 oz beers over the next few hours, have some lunch by bringing it up to my room and eating it while being on computer, and see if that specific routine really works to the degree where I'm like yeah I should plan to do this again tomorrow for some reason.  Gotta plan something for tomorrow.  Otherwise, it's just emptiness.  Good idea for a movie-- The Pursuit of Emptyness.  Took a break from binge watching Duckman this morning to instead watch mediocre horror movies from the past decade on Netflix.  Good routine to be in!  They're scareful but also stupid so the real scariest thing about them is uh-oh my life must mean nothing if I'm wasting my time watching these pieces of crap.  Terrifying.
Anyway.  I don't know, whatever.  Comedy Class Session #3 of 6 is in three days.  Not prepared at all for my 3 minutes of stage time.  I'm starting to get the impression that the goal of this class is simply to come up with 5 minutes of crap to say, hone that, then say it at the show which concludes the class.  And then that's it.  Open and shut.  Just fine tune that 5 minutes.  That's not what I was imagining. I  was imagining learning how to come up with stuff over and over again, not just committing to the bullshit idea I had before the 1st class of what to talk about and then just honing in on that.  So, now that I'm under the correct impression of what this class is about, I need to decide-- do I come up with a new 3 minutes for Tuesday, like I want to, but isn't necessarily what is expected of me, or do I just go back to either what I did last week, or the week before, and add to that and fine tune it?  I don't wanna do that.  And, you know, I am paying for this class, so I should just do what I want.
    But that presents the alternate problem of oh so now I gotta come up with a new 3 minutes.  I could do that in theory and probably in practice but the week is half over so I better get crackin' at it.  Right now I got nothin'.  But, anyway, the point is, it's the fourth paragraph, and I think I'm gonna crack open a beer.  Gotta get crackin' at something.  Hey maybe I can do a riff about coming to that conclusion about this comedy class and how I'm gonna buck the trend and fuck you guys I'm gonna bring us together as an honest comedy community if it kills me!  One thing I highlighted in that short book I read which talks about comedy theoretically/philosophically was basically the point that the comedian, in this case the stand-up comedian in particular, sorta walks a fine line between fostering a sense of community while personally acting like an outsider and perhaps encouraging that sort of perspective, too.  Sorta accomplishes both at once.  I thought that was pretty insightful. 
    I didn't really highlight it.  I put those few lines in the book In Brackets.  I have a highlighter but it doesn't really show up well!  I'm using brackets for now!  Should I go to Rite Aid and get a pack of different color highlighters?  Yeah in a perfect world!  Jeez.  What paragraph we into now.  Fifth!  Gonna go get 1st beer.  And aim to start lunch in 45-60 minutes.  BRB.  I wonder if Justin Bieber ever thought of the acronym BRB and was like this acronym really speaks to me.  This Means Something.  Who knows.  Oh, right.  BRB.  I forgot!  Hey I'm back how about that.  Pretty much entering Maintenance Diet mode.  Gonna try to lose another 1 or 2 pounds gradually over a month or two, so basically, I'm consuming what I'll be consuming ultimately.  And exercising more or less what I'll be exercising ultimately.  And there's absolutely no chance my life will change or be interrupted in such a way that I will have to re-evaluate my current plans and habits.
    That's a relief.  Wait, no it isn't.  My life is the pits!  Oh well, what can ya do.  That's not 100% accurate.  When I plan for maintenance diet and maintenance exercising and maintenance activities like writing, reading, sleeping, other entertainment consuming, and other entertainment creating/performing,, [and, most important of all, any sort of a job], I do take into account several different paths my life may take, and plan things in such a way that I could do those things no matter what comes up.  I plan ahead!  Multiple aheads!  Any ahead that pops up!  I took the road less traveled, and it made all the difference.  Oh yeah?  Well I took the road most traveled!  And we were all making fun of you behind your back!  That's how inside jokes work, ya make fun of the person who isn't around!  It's not out of malice or anything, it's just that you weren't there, so us demeaning you to amuse each other just sorta came about naturally!
Sure, I guess, whatever.  Re-watching Duckman, I've come to the realization that maybe it is meant for kids as much as adults.  I mean, to really get 90% of the jokes, you probably have to be an adult.  But just the pacing of it, the characters, the storylines-- all very appealing to a child.  I mean, Duckman is essentially our ID.  And kids have IDs even if they're not quite developed yet!  And some of them say McLovin!  I don't know.  So, sure, I had that going for me.  When I was 8.  And Weird Science: The TV Show was over.  On Saturday Nights.  On the USA network.  Whatever, what else is going on.  I've never seen Weird Science: The Movie but I used to watch Weird Science: The TV Show Based On The Movie.  If you did that, like me, you'd have been exposed ahead of time to Tobias from Oz (He played the jerky older brother) and Nice Laaaaady from Kingpin (She played the computer genie perfect woman in theory person).  I forget her name in Kingpin.  I remember her real name-- Vanessa Angel.  But the name from the movie escapes me.  Oh, is it Claudia or something?  That sounds right.  I'll go check.  Hey I was right how about that.
    How about that, indeed.
  Eighth paragraph.  Eating lunch after 10 paragraphs seems about right, right?  About.  Poker is still poker.  Goes up and down and right now it's mostly down but still up enough that I'm like eh it's up enough I guess.  I'm really trying to get the ball rolling to be able to withdraw it, say, by next weekend.  Gotta convert it into BitCoin and then use a website to convert the BitCoin into cash which I can withdraw onto my credit card.  Totally reputable site-- written in CNBC, CNN Money, Forbes.com as recently as last month in a positive way-- but they need a lot of personal information and my parents are rightly suspicious.  But I'm convinced its legit so we'll see how that goes ultimately.  Then, after that, the plan is to start bugging my parents for that new TV I've been owed for a year and a half and get that done in, let's say, 3 weeks from now.  Just really up the pressure.  Risk being a jerk about it, even.  Don't take no or ask me again tomorrow for an answer.  Just wrap this crap up!
    I've waited long enough!  I've had it up to here with waiting!  Cool, sure, ninth paragraph.  Hmm.  Maybe put food in oven.  I like that idea.  I'd tell you what I plan on eating for lunch, but, you know.  Gotta keep some things private.  Anyway BRBz.  Anyway IMBACKz.  How did catching some zzz's enter the zeitgeist.  In what universe did someone come to the conclusion that ZZZ's should represent sleep?  Presumably because it sounds like snoring, right, that must be it.  But if your loved ones snoring sounds like him or her going Zeeeeezeeezeeezeee, call a doctor!  Then tell the doctor about it!  Then listen to what he says!  If he's concerned, follow up on it!  Maybe schedule a sleep study to be performed by the doctor on your loved one!  And if he's not concerned, then forget about it!  Not a problem!
    I guess.  10th paragraph!  May only have 1 or 2 beers today instead of the 3 I was planning for.  If it ain't necessary, don't drink it!  Such is life am I right. Hmm, "Zee," wouldn't be a terrible nickname/term of affection for myself if the person who is using it first came to know me because of crazysheet.  Crazy could be how I'm identified.  As a pronoun.  Hey, Crazy, what's up?  Something like that.  And that gets shortened to Z.  Because it's cray cray to not acknowledge The Z.  Actually I don't like this.  I don't want to be Z.  Never!  Never Ever!  I've done a complete 180 on this whole thing is the point.  The other point is I'm gonna still start lunch after this paragraph, but instead of going straight to lunch after this paragraph, I'm gonna muck around on the internet for the 15 minutes I have left until Lunch Is Ready and then when Lunch Is Ready I bring it upstairs and Continue On Entry.            


Some Title

        Alright I'm back.  Lunch is-- 1/2 corn beef sandwich, 1/2 baked knish, 1/6th black & white cookie.  I like it!  It covers all the bases I desire and whatnot.  So, hey, great, what else.  Do I finish this entry before my Afternoon Walk, or do I take it, let's estimate, around after the 15th paragraph?  And aim for 20?  I don't know!  We'll find out I guess.  Main difference between almost-maintenance diet and previous diet is larger lunches.  I'm talkin' lunches that are reaching the size of meal previously reserved for dinner!  It's been fun experimenting with different sized meals over the past year is the point but at this point I think I can get behind a schedule where I have a a ~350 cal breakfast, ~500 cal lunch, and a ~650 call diner!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  That settles that hopefully.
    Jeez.  Anyway, now we're back into EntryMode instead of ObsessingOverFoodMode.  At least for the next few minutes.  So, great, what's going on in the wide world of sp--- oh right the world is going to shit.  Now I remember why I've decided to make myself committed to self improvement and obsession!  Because the rest of the world is terrible!  So I focus on what I can control, which is myself, and work on that.  I guess.  Who knows for sure!  I'm trying to get back into reading after not doing any since a week and a half ago (read that Comedy book) but its hard to motivate myself.  I really screwed myself having the next book on the docket being that Beastie Boys book.  It's fuckin' huge, not just in terms of how long it is, but it's physically very intimidating.  I think the purpose of the book is to be a coffee table book meant to look nice and to mock anyone who actually bought it intending to read it.  Not sure of their motivation for that, but that's how it works in practice.
    I don't konw.  It's practically daring me to read it.  Am I gonna let the size of the book intimidate me or am I gonna be a Hero and actually read it?  These tough times call for a Hero.  And reading a book about (the) Beastie Boys is the kind of heroism these tough times call for!  Also, is it Beastie Boys or The Beastie Boys.  I mean, like, if you were gonna introduce them.  You're opening for them or something and you go Ladies and Gentlemen... [The?] Beastie Boys!  My instinct would have been to use The but the book is pretty clear that it's just called Beastie Boys Book.  No The there.  So the point is this book has clearly given me a lot to think about and I will process it in my own time.
    Cool!.  14th paragraph.  Hey how about that.  One habit that I've gotten into when consuming food is really putting value into the idea that each meal should consist of several things.  My favorite meals are ones where there are several different elements.  I don't know why.  It's just fun, ya know, sure.  I don't know if its fair to say The World Is Going To Shit.  Maybe it was just always shit and some of us didn't fully realize it.  That seems to be the mindset I've been settling in to.  Such is life!  That might be the narrative framing of the upcoming Democratic Primary.  Was the world always shit?  Or is it just shit now?  I guess we'll find out over the next year!  I can't wait to find out, personally.  It should be real interesting.
So that's fun, right?  Hmm I wonder if its appropriate to have a 150 calorie snack between now and dinner.  It probably is.  If I don't eat snacks, who will?  And then what will become of Frito-Lays and whatnot.  They'd have to declare bankruptcy if I don't continue consuming at the rate they've grown accustomed to.  I don't wanna cause any pain or damage or hardship for anyone!  That's not what I'm about!  16th paragraph.  Just finished Lunch.  Guess write 20 paragraphs, take a walk, maybe get a 2nd iced coffee of the day, then take it from there.  Wonderful!  Isn't it a conflict of interest if Democratic Primary debates have, "Moderators?"  C'mon!  Talk about a rigged system!  The guys asking the questions are Moderate..ers!  Hmm actually kinda true in the abstract.  Fascinating.   
    So four paragraphs to go is the point.
  Let's get back on track.  I was on track at some point?  Kinda seems like it, right?  Anyway.  Still chewin' a lot of gum.  Usually I have to alternate between Trident: Perfect Peppermint and Trident: Wintergreen, based on the availability in RiteAid, but last time, they had both!  So I got 3 of each.  And that'll last me another day or two.  Then, unfortunately, most likely back to not having a choice and having to mono-consume whichever one the store has available.  Such is life!  I don't know if I actually eat any Frito-Lays products.  Seemed like an appropriate and bordering-on-humorous reference, though?  And, in the end, isn't that what counts?  Something not being 100% accurate yet bordering on being amusing?
    I've given myself a lot to think about.  Penpenultimate paragraph.  Kal Penn, Pen Penultimate Paragraph!  That's my take on The Original Last Comic Standing's classic routine of Dat Phan, Turn Off That Fan.  That's stand up comedy for ya.  NBC decided that was the future of comedy in 2003.  Dat Phan.  Prove 'em wrong!  Why time already has done that for me.  Touché!  So the point is 2 and a half paragraphs to go.  Lookin' forward to that afternoon walk and gettin' that afternoon iced coffee mmm I sure love purchasing things.  I could do with or without the coffee, but going into a store, giving my order, getting something in return-- oh man I'm gettin' hot just thinking about it!  Now I need the iced coffee to cool me down.  Thank God things work out like that all the time!
    Hey last paragraph.  Wait, no it isn't.  Hey, penultimate paragraph.  Yeah there we go.
  Last year, when I was fantasizing about Maintenance Diets, my biggest pie-in-the-sky fantasy was getting Frozen Coffee (previously stylized as Coffee Coolattas).  So far I haven't indulged in that, not even once, but I guess it's as good an idea as any to do that some time soon for some reason no one is really sure of.  Cool!  Atta!  Coffee!  I don't know.  Saw The Intruder last week.  Just felt like gettin' out of the house to do something.  It was good enough I guess.  I'm not one to complain!
    Anyway, finally, the real last paragraph!  I knew it would come eventually if I just kept spouting off bullshit.  What else is going on.  Here's 2 DVDs I have that I've never watched-- the two movies that led to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  For a Fistful of Dollars and For a Few Dollars More.  Gottem on DVD.  Never watched them!  Just finished beer #2.  Gonna leave it there for today.  Almost done.  Almost, almost, almost done.  Then back to, I don't know, finishing that last mediocre horror movie which has 20 minutes left, then figuring out my own mediocre horrorlife and seeing what I can do to finish that. Not really finish it.  I was speaking metaphorically you morons.  So, the point is, thanks for reading.  See ya later in a day or three.

-3:13 P.M.                  



Thursday, May 16, 2019

You Can't Spell, "Title," Without, "Title."

        It's true!  I've tried!  Over and over!  Never been able to achieve it!  I was thinking about it, and I think my life long affinity for titles may have come as a result of my high school principal's name, Mr. Teitel.  Either that, or the field.  I'd bet on the field.  You know, like, anything other than that one reason.  But the point is great, I don't know, neither do you, none of us can say for sure.  The truth is much more complicated than there being any one reason why I like titles.  It's an amalgamation of my entire life up to this point.  Maybe even my life after this point.  Maybe something in my future makes me like titles, and the fourth dimension has bent in its own special way to make me like title now and in the past.  I wouldn't put it past it!  I'd put it present it, though.  And, future?  Maybe.  I don't know!
    Hah!  Made you read nonsense!  That's a special brand of nonsense.  There's Nonsense-a. which is something that makes sense but is stupid.  Then there's Nonsense-b which is something that you are unable to make sense out of.  Nonsense-a still qualifies as nonsense because you can't make sense out of why you're being exposed to it.  There's no sensical reason for me to write Nonsense-a and thus no reason you should have to read it.  Meanwhile, Nonsense-b is complete nonsense and no one knows what it means.  The point is Great let's write some entry I got nothin' better to do.  Well, I guess not, at least.  Lost a bunch in poker last night.  The good news is  Hmm, abstractly, who gives a fig.  But the bad news is my life is in a worse place than it was 24 hours ago when I had slightly more money to my name as I do now.  That's why it's important to write Crazysheet.  Every entry is worth something theoretically!
    Each entry has a dollar value for several reasons.  Firstly, if there's a 10% chance I have a job being a writer one day, each entry obviously has the monetary value of bringing me ever so slightly closer to being a quality writer.  And, even more value if somehow writing this entry and sharing it on the internet actually leads to that writing job.  Then, there's the social aspect.  Is there a chance sharing this entry will lead to something non-financially beneficial to my life?  Sure, why not!  Then, there's the fact that me writing an entry means I'm not doing something which would be a net negative to my life-- such as playing more poker and losing money.  Instead of losing money I'm doing something which is, at worst, neutral.
    What if someone was gonna give me a writing job, then reads this entry, then changes their mind?  In that scenario, writing this entry hurt me.  Which could happen!  But I'm a compulsive gambler apparently so I'll take my chances!!!  I kinda am a compulsive gambler.  I realized, if I could quit smoking, but can't quit gambling, well, then, that's clearly an addiction.  Then there's a part of me that's like no I just need to do something and poker is that.  Everyone needs to do something.  Nothing is nothing.  Anyway.  You can't spell addiction without, "A.D.D."  Thought of that little gem last night!  Also, Gem is a good name for a band.  Because it's two chords that go together well!  G Em.  Prove me wrong!
    I think they should rename the B note/chord as a P.  Because when you're using the mnemonic device Every Good Boy Does Fine, that's insensitive because its not gender neutral.  Gotta change it to Every Good Person Does Fine.  So, we gotta make B's from now on to be P's.  It'll be a hassle at first but ultimately I think its the right thing to do.  We gotta put up with a learning curve for a bit now, sure, but at the end of the day, we'll be happy we did it.  I think I need a mnemonic device to remember how to spell, "Mnemonic." Nah, I don't.  Just remember-- it's the same as, Demonic but with an, "Mn," instead of a, "D."  That's interesting enough that I think I can remember it based on the merits of that device.
    Looking over this entry, apparently sensical isn't a word.  Nonsensical is a word.  Sensical isn't a word.  That's nonsensical.  Thank God.  If it was, "Sensical," I'd have no idea how to correctly refer to it.  Great, just great.  Sixth paragraph.  Whatta dud.  Such is life.  Afternoons are hard.  Get a bunch of exercising in the morning.  In the evening, have a good routine of a little bit of walking exercising and listening to music.  Afternoons are tough.  I should be reading or something, but its hard to actually sit down and just read a book.  The written word is intimidating!  I want nothin' to do with it in practice!  In theory, great, I'll read all the books.  In practice?  What if the words aren't the way I imagined they'd be? 
    I saw someone once said something about how just having books without reading them is a worthwhile enterprise.  Having a physical copy of a book where you know the title and the basics about it, you can sort of subconsciously imagine what's in the book, and you get something out of that in and of itself.  I forget who said it but it's pretty insightful, I think. Anyway, I think this entry is only gonna be 10 paragraphs.  Not really in the zone today, but I'm far enough along that finishing 10 paragraphs doesn't seem too hard.  Maybe I've been overextending myself.  But, also, at the same time, underextending myself.  And, thank God, when you average it out, I'm just extending myself which is a good thing apparently for some reason?  We know overextending is bad.  That must mean that plain ole extending yourself is a desirable state to be in.  
    Eighth paragraph.  Hooray! I could start taking naps in the afternoon.  I like that idea!  It's like an acceptable way of doing nothing.  But I am accomplishing something, because it means I can go to bed later at night to make up for the extra sleep time.  And that way I can do more nighttime stuff like listen to music and get in some extra CircleWalking.  All in all its a real Reality Winner of an idea.  Man, I'd like to take a nap right now.  Also, doesn't have to be a real nap.  Can just lie in bed for 2 hours without actually falling asleep.  I'd still consider that a nap in practice.  Maybe not abstractly a true nap, but I'd consider it napping if I truly just lie in bed the whole time without doing anything.
    I may not receive the benefits of having slept, but I will receive the benefits of just taking 2 hours to, well, sort of recharge?  I don't know physiologically how beneficial it is but that's a question for the physiologists should such a profession exist.  I feel like my life would be exponentially better if I was making my own ice in my freezer.  That, and having a job to support myself, living in my own place, having a social life, and being in a relationship.  But mainly the ice.  That's the key to a better life-- Ice!  Unless you're potentially an illegal immigrant.  And, for Ice to consider you potentially an illegal immigrant, basically that means you live somewhere in America while being brown.  That's all Ice needs, apparently, to feel comfortable harassing you.  Issues.
    Abortion becoming illegal.  Crappy Democrats getting coverage for the 2020 primaries.  No one in congress standing up to Trump.  Going to war with Iran.  I think we could all use a 2 hour nap, right?  If I could have one wish, I'd wish we'd all just take a 2 hour power nap and wake up refreshed and able to tackle all this bullshit.  Oh, right.  Climate Change.  The biggest bullshit of 'em all.  I don't know.  I guess I'm done after this paragraph.  The good news is who cares, not anyone else, I barely do, so that's great, just great.  One piece of good news-- My Dad got me a gallon tub of Diet Arizona Iced Tea, which tastes like Snapple, but with 0 calories instead of 5.  I don't know if I'd ever had Arizona Iced Tea before.  But it's good!  It's totally calorie neutral!  And it's my goal for my iced tea to be calorie neutral by 2030!  Gotta start planning now.  Anyway.  We could be carbon neutral by 2030.  Whose gonna stop us, you?  Why?  What would be your motive?  Anyway, I'll see ya'll later.   

-2:50 P.M. 


Wednesday, May 15, 2019

People Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Have Privacy

        Another day, another title.  Well, maybe they should have privacy.  But they won't!  Hey, no one forced them to live in a glass house.  Unless its some sort of reality show idea that no one bothered to bring to my attention.  I like that whistleblower whose unjustly in jail now Reality Winner.  Because my nickname for myself is Fantasy Loser.  So, great, we'd have great chemistry or something along those lines, I don't know.  Havin' a pretty cool lunch right now.  A well stuffed sandwich with normal whole wheat bread, some sliced processed turkey, and some sliced processed reduced fat salami.  And also one slice of Eggo Cinnamon Toast Waffle.  It hits all the sweet spots!
    So, great, I got that going for me is the point.  I'm continuing experimenting with eating lunch in my room while doing something else.  So far, so good!  So close, so terrible.  Comedy Class Session #2 was yesterday.  Went alright.  Opened with the bit about the neighborhood being full of people harassing you to come to a comedy show.  And I was like, I'm conflicted, because part of me feels sympathy for them because its so degrading, but another part of me realizes being them in six months is my best case scenario in life.  And then segue into how I think they should have it reversed, like I said in a previous entry, where there's 60 people in a dark room, and the guy comes in off the street going I got one! and you gotta do 30 minutes.
    Then I did just a random bit I thought of yesterday morning which I originally just intended to put here on crazysheet but ended up using it to pad my time.  Something about how the phrase Preaching to the choir is supposed to be a negative thing, but that's exactly who you should be preaching to!  Besides singing, they're there to hear you preach!  You go out on the street harassing strangers, trying to preach to people without being invited, that's no good!  In today's woke society, that's the opposite of god!  Leave spewing your bullshit to the choir and get off our backs about it!
    Then I still had some time left, so I did a little bit about how I get embarrassed over these little things.  Like, the diner down the street, I had a few things to get to that embarrassed me within the span of 5 minutes, but I only got to the first one.  Which is, I asked the guy at the counter, can I use the bathroom?  And he goes yeah, it's over there.  So I go there, try to open the door, it won't open.  Figure someone's in there.  Five minutes pass and I start thinking, you know, I bet no one's in there, I just didn't try opening the door well enough.  Try again.  No success.  Then, 10 minutes later, I think no way, I bet if I try again, try real hard, I will open that door.  And I did.  And the point is its all worthwhile because I got some classic comedy out of it.
    The other two things that embarrassed me was I had ordered an omelet and the guy was like you want the home fries and the toast? and I was like nah don't need it.  So I didn't get it.  But then I found out they charged me exactly the same amount as if I did get it.  If I knew that, I'd have fuckin' gotten the home fries and the toast!  And now worst of all I look like an idiot to him, forgoing food, he thinks I'm sort of wasteful idiot!  And the third thing is, I ordered the food from one guy, then I have to walk a little bit to wait on line to pay some other guy.  And after waiting on line behind some people for 10, 15 minutes, I started not being 100% sure I was waiting on line in the right place.  I was pretty sure.  But I wanted to check just to make sure.  And it turns out I was right, I was in the right place, but by checking, it seemed like a real dick move, like Just wait asshole there's people ahead of you what you think you're special for some reason?
    Well, yeah, but not getting-food-before-other-people special.
  So the good news is I don't know what else.  The class culminates in a show on June 23, a Sunday.  Lemme know if you wanna come.  It may be in the Afternoon, it may be in the Evening!  Anything goes!  Also, after doing my 2 minutes, in the people-react-to-me time, a girl asked has anyone ever told you you look like Tobey Maguire?  And I was like, Nope!  But I'll take it!  Then someone was like yeah he looks like Peter Parker.  Which is even better!  Looking like a successful actor who at times in his career could be described as a teen heartthrob, and/or a legitimate Star Of Movie, but someone thinking I look like Peter Parker himself is even better!  That dude's a genius with superpowers!  Mary Jane loves him!  Gwen Stacy might too, even!  Fuck actors, I wanna look like Peter Parker!     
I didn't bring it up yesterday, but I've been wondering if it could be a thing where I suck on a lollipop while doing my set.  It'll taste great and it'll provide an interesting prop to use to help accentuate things and what not.  I take it out to make a point.  Wiggle it at the audience a bit.  Take a real big suck.  Lots of fun stuff you could do.  Plus, you're engaging your taste-sense, gotta imagine that'll take the edge off, right?  I don't know.  Got some beer at the drug store last night.  Like an 18 pack of regular small sized cans.  Figure I'll have one now.  Maybe another one later.  And maybe another one after that!  That'd probably be it, though. 
    Eighth paragraph already?  How about that.  I guess.  I was gonna start this beer as I started the entry.  Haven't even opened it yet!  Too busy writing bullplop.  Oh wait I did open it.  I just haven't taken a sip yet.  Writing this entry while facing East.  I had a crazy idea to write this on my nightstand, facing West, which I've never done before.  But I was eating lunch during starting this, and I wouldn't have been able to fit both the laptop and a plate on that.  So, maybe next time, we'll see how that goes.  Sorry about the phrase bullplop.  I've never used it or been exposed to it in real life but I feel like I've seen it in books.  Probably young adult novels from my past.  I don't think it shows up in many sophisticated books ya heard. 
    I think it's probably a universal phenomena that slang words for, let's generalize them by saying bathroom words that you didn't personally grow up with sound extremely gross.  Plop, for example.  Sounds gross to me, I never used it.  Poop.  Everyone uses poop nowadays because of the internet, it's a good word to use on the internet.  But I never used to it  as a kid.  I should try to think of a third word for this bit.  Rule of threes!  Also, let me make the exact opposite point because I have no commission to this premise.  BM.  When I was very young, my mom used to call poop a BM (Bowel Movement.)  And at the time, great, served its purpose, it refers to it without being gross.  But I've hardly ever heard that since turning 10, so now if you said to me I'm gonna make a BM it'd probably vomit or something.  Hah.  Commission.  That's what passes for comedy these days.
    Anyway, jeez, where are we.  I've been watching Duckman during my morning exercise.  Figured the time for waiting is over, now is the time for action!  And, also, it's not that great, I'm not losing that much by not watching it while getting a second hand marijuana high.  10th paragraph.  Maybe take my afternoon walk after this paragraph.  I can dag that!  Leave this can of beer half full.  Really stretch it out and whatnot.  I never had a stretch Armstrong doll.  Not 100% sure what that teaches kids.  Everything exists to teach someone something.  That's the lens through which I choose to see the world this paragraph!


No I Didn't

        Alright, Part II Of The Entry: The Partening.  Been doing pretty good in poker lately in the sense that I'm winning money but bad in the sense that I have been unable to stop playing poker.  Well, not completely, at least.  I'm playing maybe 5, 10% the amount of time I had been playing for several months.  But I wanna stop completely!  Just get that monkey off my back.  Sure I know how to misuse phrases, get off my back about it.  You monkey, you.  Well, now seems like as a good a time as any-- I'm gonna tell you the sitcom I wanted to write half a year ago.  The New Monkees.  And it's an updated version of The Monkees.  And it's like a comedy variety show within a sitcom.  There's The New Monkees show within the show, and the show itself, about the making of the show, is also The New Monkees.  And I got 50% done with four or five songs for it, had a bunch of notes, had all the main characters mapped out, had an entire season's arc planned out, had about 5-15 pages of the pilot written.  Then just dropped the project completely like a hot potato.  Ouch!  Too hot!  I'd like to eat this potato later but I gotta get it out of my hands now.  So I won't eat ya later potato, you're Ground Potato now.
So that's how life goes if you ever wanna try to do something worthwhile.  The closer you get, the further you are.  Hey what else is going on.  One of the main problems is I've never seen an episode of The Monkees and was basically just operating under assumptions of what it was like.  I know 3 or 4 of their songs!  But, sure, yeah, I don't know.  I kinda felt like that was an asset, not a problem.  So I wouldn't feel constricted to copy the formula exactly.  Just do an updated version of something that may or may not have ever existed in the first place.  It coulda been good.  Too big a project to do for one person, though.  I'm only One New Monkee!  I need three others to do it with me in theory and probably in practice.  Such is life.  Also, sure I would play one of the New Monkees.  The main one.  My Show, My Decision!  Alright, one more inside scoop-- my character's name was Iamb St. Marks.
Iamb pronounced like, "E-Umb."  So I got that going for me.  Or, I would have, in an alternate universe where I had three friends who wanted to do something worthwhile with their lives.  Instead of the zero friends who all are satisfied not even existing at all in the first place.  What else is going on.  To write or create the show, it doesn't need to be me with the other 3 New Monkees.  The main character, actually, is a female writer.  Who pitched the show absentmindedly to a network and for some reason we don't know for sure they liked the idea and decided to more or less just put her in charge.  Even though she's very young and has no experience at all or any insight whatsoever into New Monkee-ism.  It's an ensemble cast but, at least in the pilot, she's the general focus.  Her name is Daisy Bundt.  Prove me wrong!
    Look, I can tell you the other half a dozen main characters' names, but I gotta keep some stuff in my back pocket to keep you interested!  It could be one of those shows where each episode has the center of narrative vaguely on a rotating basis.  Of the 8 or whatever main characters, each show is someone else's point of view.  Or, stick with Daisy.  I like Daisy!  What's your problem with Daisy you jerks?  Anyway, that's enough about that for now.  What paragraph are we into?  14.  That means six more to go after this one theoretically and most likely in practice.  Only one way to find out!  Continue advancing into the future at roughly the same rate I have been lately the past few months or so.   
    15th paragraph.
  I guess.  The New Monkees isn't entirely a new idea for me.  Back in NYU, I had an idea to make The New Monkees as a movie and also it was a zombie movie for some reason.  I didn't have much plotted out beyond those two premises.  The New Monkees + There's Zombies.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Man, here I am, toiling away week after week on a nonsense website, when I could be making the seminal TV show of my generation.  Oh well what can ya do.  Such is life I guess!  One part of writing the pilot that made me the most proud of myself was writing the opening, introductory skit of the show-within-the-show.  That's the part where I realized hey I kinda know what I'm doing here. 
Anyway, what else is going on.  Five paragraphs to go.  Now let's put that silliness behind us.  And move into nonsense.  Silliness has an odor of self delusion.  Nonsense is just being wrong in general.  I prefer nonsense to silliness, I don't feel quite so bad about being nonsensical as I would about being silly.  Meh, this entry has had a solid beginning, middle, and end.  No need to prolong it anymore, I'll finish it after this paragraph.  So, anyway, I don't know, what else do I got in store for today.  Jerk off metaphorically for the next few hours.  Not literally!  I wouldn't share that with you.  It would be rude.  So, no, just metaphorically doing stuff in the near future!  Rest assured!  Which is the best way to rest.  You know what happens when you rest assured, right?  You make an ass out of you and red.  See ya later.

-2:52 P.M. 



Sunday, May 12, 2019

This Is a Title, Am I Right?

        Probably!  Hello friends and enemies, here to write a new entry.  So far, so good!  Everything has been actual words in sequences that are as close to coherent sentences as you're gonna get to these days anyway what else goes on huh.  It's probably not a good sign of a healthy mind to be constantly not able to write logical sequences of words.  That's my hot take best guess!  Oh well what can ya do.  So, anyway, what else.  I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time-- eat a meal while I'm writing an entry.  We have a guest downstairs-- not gonna say who!-- so I brought up my lunch to my room like a Herman's Hermit.  It's 2/3rds of a burrito bowl!  One burrito bowl is too much!  Half of one is too little!  I get two burrito bowls at a time now and eat 2/3rds three days in a row!  If you have a better way to utilize math to improve your lunches I'd like to hear it!
    So, sure, anyway, what else is going on.  I'll give you a hint about who the house guest is-- it's not Sinbad.  I know that's what you all were assuming.  Been binge watching The Critic during my morning exercising the last couple of days.  It's good because I can watch it every 8 months (2/3rds a year-- it's the magic ratio!) and its good enough to entertain me and its not so long a series that it takes too long but its long enough a series that its long enough.  Also the hero is a short 30's aged Jewish guy.  Remind you of anyone?  Not me, I'm drawing a blank.  Which I believe is what Barry Lyndon would have said after he thought he shot the guy who married his cousin but he didn't know at the time he was shooting blanks but in retrospect he can come to terms with that he drew a blank and it was all a scam to get him to leave town.
    Moral of the story?  Don't fall in love with your cousin!  And, if you do-- make your intentions known as soon as possible!  Get in there while you've still got a shot!  For some reason I always considered Barry Lyndon to be one of my favorite movies.  I guess a big part of it was just that I was a nerd in high school, and thought myself somewhat of a film nerd, and it just seemed like a relatively obscure Kubrick movie, so it kinda fit naturally to be one of my favorite films.  But I think I also gravitated to how it's just about this guy's life, he's not really a great person, kind of a dick, and not a lot really happens in the movie, drama-wise.  He sort of goes through a The-Rise-And-Fall-Of-Barry-Lyndon type arc, but, you know, its just a sequence of crap that happens.  So, basically, the story of my life.
And since its Kubrick, obviously its beautifully shot and whatnot.  I also like the soundtrack.  Some real charming 1700's type music and whatnot.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Don't you see, it was fate that I would use the phrase Drawing a Blank so I could go on that rant about liking some movie!  It brought us closer together!  I guess.  Anyway, what else is going on.  My Dad needs a blood transfusion once a month because he's got some blood disease.  The person downstairs is his nurse that administers it.  Takes about four or five hours once a month.  That settles that mystery!  Now, onto the mystery of Drawing a Blank.  Was it fate?  Serendipity?  Or even some sort of cosmic joke or mistake?  I guess we'll never know for sure. [Edit-- my Dad doesn't need Blood Transfusions.  He just needs some sort of injection or something, sure, but not a blood transfusion.  just wanted to clear that up.  and now I did.  Hey whats going on.  its me from the future!  or, everything else is me from the past.  hmm.  hows that working out for you.]
    Hey great how's that working out for you.
  What paragraph is this, fourth?  Nope-- Fifth!  Comedy Class Session #2 of 6 is in 2 days and I still don't know what to do with my required 2 minutes.  Have gone through several ideas but don't have any jokes yet.  Right now my theory is just continue the narrative already begun last week and go so I noticed you laughed when I said I lived with my parents.  Why.  ... ... ... ... I have no jokes about that-- I just want to know.  Explain it to me you assholes.  TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY.  I'M NOT HERE TO BE FUNNY I'M HERE FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY.  GET TALKIN' OR I AIN'T SITTIN' DOWN, I'LL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT IF I HAVE TO.  I guess I could just use it as segue like so, I see you like to laugh at my misfortune.  Here's some more ways I have been less than fortunate in my life!  But I can't think of pursuing that riff without remembering Kevin Hart's special title Laugh at My Pain.  Why oh why did I have to read that book!  He already used that title, laugh at my pain.  That means, from now on, no one doing comedy can ever do riffs that are based on that basic universal premise!  Whatta jip!  But such is life, oh well.  Once you title something you own it.  Why do you think I'm writing titles all the time?  I'm hoarding all the titles!  You'd do it too if you were me!
    Sixth paragraph.  I'm really digging eating lunch while writing this.  And I'm really digging in to lunch.  With a fork.  It's like miniature digging food.  Huh.  And this is the perfect lunch to do it, cause even just 2/3rds of a burrito bowl takes a long time to eat.  It's not over in 10 bites.  I started eating at the beginning of this entry and I still have like a third left!  A third of the 2/3rds.  That's 1/6th of an entire burrito bowl for references' sake!  Cool!  Wait, is that right?  Meh, close enough.  I guess, ultimately, me getting a laugh on a laugh at my pain type riff was unconsciously set into motion months ago when I read the Kevin Hart book.  It's no coincidence I ended up using that type of riff to get a laugh.  I had no idea I was following in Kevin Hart's footsteps but I did nonetheless.  Hmm.  Better read a book by a better comedian-- and fast!
Too bad George Carlin never wrote an autobiography.  I have two or four books of his that are just random jokes, mostly from his stand up, but no autobiography as far as I know.  George Carlin was pretty much my window into taking comedy seriously as well as fantasizing about doing it.  When Napster came out and everyone else was using it to share Linkin Park songs, I was using it to discover George Carlin specials and I got hooked on that.  Sure I also downloaded a dozen Linkin Park songs, what am I supposed to do, not like Linkin Park?  I'm a depressed eleven year old middle class white boy, I'm gonna like Linkin Park!  But not tell anyone I like Linkin Park.  Or even admit it to myself!  No One Must Know.
To this day, I have no idea how much this is true, but for some reason at the time of Napster, I was led to believe that Linkin Park was formed by some corporate masterminds or something.  Like, the band didn't come about organically, but was just a scheme cooked up by the music industry.  That's probably why I wouldn't own up to digging the dozen songs I dag.  Also, past tense for dig?  Dag.  Prove me wrong!  Eighth paragraph.  And still eating lunch!  I don't believe how long this lunch is lasting me.  Frankly, I'm blown away by the length of this lunch.  Not the length of this paragraph, though, so much.  Kinda a scam ending this paragraph this early.
    OH well what can ya do.  Capitalize an extra letter by mistake but sticking with it-- that's one way to go about your business.  Hmm, sounds like its raining outside.  Hopefully that ends soon, or its not too bad, cause I gotta be taking a walk sometime soon!  Maybe finish this entry first, probably not though.  The point is I Forget But Let's Just Start Over As If The Point Was Pointed And Now There's New Points To Point.  If it wasn't raining right now, I'd be thinking, yeah, probably take a walk after the 10th paragraph.  Finish eating right around then, nice round number to take a break at.  Hmm, interesting news-- in 9 minutes, it will turn from rain into light rain.  Perfect!  I can write another paragraph and prepare for Walk in 9 minutes!
    So, sure, I got that going on.  Haven't even finished lunch yet.  I can leave over rice.  Holy Fuck leaving food from a meal over?  I forgot that was even a possibility!  I guess when you take a long time to eat a meal you actually do become full!  They've always told me that, take a long time to eat, but I never thought it was based on a true story!  Wait a minute just because it turns to light rain in 7 minutes doesn't mean I need to take the walk exactly then.  Hmm.  I guess it all depends on when it will then turn back from light rain into rain.  I'll go check! Aww man the light rain doesn't even last 20 minutes.  Anyway this is what life is like in the 21st century.  What a supreme disappointment.  Alright, if I wait an hour and a half to walk, no rain.  So that settles that.
    Which means I'm fuckin' stuck here for the rest of the entry.  I need breaks!  Theoretically!  But, nope, its just not in the cards today.  So, uh.  How you doin?  Pretty happy with the entry so far.  Got to make some laugh-em-ups, honest confessions about myself, made ya think about some of the bigger issues.  It's all been a very positive experience for the most part until the last few paragraphs but hey, what can ya do.  What else.  Next week will be precisely a year since I started dieting and improving my life HealthWise.  Pretty much reached the weight I set out to, but am still dieting to lose weight because I feel like it get off my back about it.  Haven't smoked a cigarette in six weeks.  Exercising my ass off (true story!). 
    The real worst part about it is that every day is conceptualized as the beginning of the next phase.  Every single thing I do is under the auspice of this is a good routine to start.  For example, eating lunch in my room while writing an entry.  Should I do this every day?  Or I do 25 sets of push-up/sit-ups instead of 20.  Well this is what I'm gonna be aiming for every day!  I mean, I do still just do things day-by-day, but there's some level of discomfort to be doing that.  I'm forever on the search for the perfect routine that just doesn't exist and even if it did I wouldn't have the discipline to actually stick to.  And I shouldn't have to!  Don't fuckin' do the same thing every day!  In terms of diet and exercise, I guess it's good if you wanna be healthy, I guess, but it'll drive ya crazy.
    Perfect.  I guess it's also sort of just training myself to prepare for an actual job.  Knowing I can follow a daily routine that structures most of my day is pretty much just getting ready for the inevitable 9-5 ya heard.  So, sure, great, what else is going on.  The point is this lunch took me an hour to eat.  So, anything else that happens today, the lunch was a great success.  13th paragraph.    I think I'm just gonna stop at 15 paragraphs.  Maybe that's a new routine to get into.  Hmm, I need a new routine for Tuesday.  Just a 2 minute routine, but a new routine nonetheless.  And another thing-- there's a Fountains of Wayne song titled New RoutineIt always comes back to Fountains of Wayne, doesn't it.
Well, this time, at least.  And if future entries are anything like this one, which I'm banking on, yeah, probably every entry will include a reference to Fountains of Wayne near the end of the entry.  It worked today so let's just plan on what happened today to continue happening, day-in day-out, for all of time.  The point is great really almost done with the entry now.  The song New Routine isn't Comedy Themed, sorta a coincidence it lends itself to possibly being about comedy routines.  But there is a Fountains of Wayne song called Comedienne which is comedy themed.  So there's that.  Is that anything?  No?  It's a song, though, right?  I mean, it might not mean anything here, but its a good song.  I like listening to it!
    Cool!  Last paragraph and whatnot.  Alright I'm just gonna take a walk after this paragraph.  Rain or Light Rain be damned!  Also, get an iced coffee or something!  I've earned it on account of not accidentally ending my life or something!  I figure every day I haven't mistakenly fallen down a sewer or something is a win in my book.  I wonder if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ever met Bane's Army from The Dark Knight Rises and if either of them ever met the guy from Invisible Man at the end.  Also, there's a scene in the wrestling movie Ready To Rumble where a guy falls down a sewer.  Ghostbusters II.  I could go on and on.  But it would upset people who want to stop reading this.  So I'll see ya later is the point.

-1:24 P.M. 



Friday, May 10, 2019

That's What They Want You To Think

        Hmm, should probably think it then.  They know best!  What's going on back to back days with entries lets get it goin'.  Gonna consume the 2nd beer can I got yesterday that I ended up not consuming.  Now let's get into some funny business.  I've become a real fan of Revive:  Fruit Punch: The Vitamin Water Zero Flavor.  When Vitamin Water first came out I was strictly an Energy flavor guy-- that's the lemonade.  Then I branched out into also being all about Rise, which is orange.  Now, Fruit Punch has completed that holy trinity of Best Vitamin Water Zero Flavors.  I feel very strongly about this and if you'd like to continue this discussion you can e-mail me at CorporateShillForProductsIDon'tEvenHaveNoFinancialInvestmentIn@bing.com
    I assume there are bing.com e-mail addresses.  It's already egregious enough they're a search engine, might as well have e-mail addresses, too.  Hey you know that thing Google is?  Sure!  And Yahoo!  Yup!  Ask.com?  I see where you're going with this... You want to start up a new thing that's exactly like those existing ones but if anything somehow worse!  Let's get it goin'!  And that's how tech start ups are born.  The unnecessary fairy delivers them whenever an idea is re-born.  Huh what else is going on.  Got my contacts on today.  That's how I feel about things.  I had to re-arrange my DVDs today, only a couple of weeks after doing it extensively.  Already had to go through the whole process again.  I had The Matrix: Revolutions ahead of The Matrix: Reloaded.  Had to switch 'em up once I noticed.  So that took four hours but I think it was worth it.
    For some reason I used to be really into the final fight sequence at the end of The Matrix Revolutions.  Where Keanu Reeves and Mr. Smith have their final battle.  It's not that great a fight sequence compared to other fight sequences in that trilogy.  It's not that insightful an ending our anything.  But I just really digged it in high school.  The movies after the 1st one were no good, but I'd sometimes just load up the ending to Revolutions to watch that shit.  Anyway Mr. Smith is a metaphor for Jesus lets talk about it.  Everyone thinks Keanu Reeves is Jesus but they've got it twisted.  That's how I feel about things and I don't care enough to have a discussion with you about it but I'll just leave that thought there for you to discover on your own time.
    Jeez.  I feel bad for bing.com that it shows up behind Binghamton University when binging Bing.  When your search engine isn't even the top result on your search engine for its name that's a sign you've got a bad search engine.  Or, maybe not.  Maybe it's a sign that your search engine is extremely honest about its search engine rankings and maybe we shouldn't hold that against you but rather celebrate it.  I've given people a lot to think about for some reason, what else is going on and crap.  Bing isn't a good search engine because it doesn't lend itself to being a verb like google.  You can't go binging something cause then people will be questioning your dietary habits.  Wait,  binging can be an internet thing.  As in, 'I'm binging this show or something.'  So I can go I'm gonna go binging The Cleveland Show and you're like that'll take weeks and its not that great a show don't do it!  And I'll be like what are you talking about I can do it in 30 seconds and see what the show is all about.  Classic Internet Misunderstanding.
    Can't go Yahooing.  Anyway, I don't know, this whole entry is no good.  Maybe you can go Yahooing.  Microsoft FrontPage accepts Yahooing as a word.  I'm scared hold me.  I had no idea I lived in a universe where Yahooing is actually a word.  Now I question everything!  Oh, is it like the word Yahoooo! to express joy or pleasure?  And yahooing is... well... exclaiming Yahoo!?  That term has fallen out of favor so that explains why it didn't make sense to me at first.  Get off my back about it!  I've got a bone to pick with google because you can google crazysheet and click page after page till your hearts content and you will never come across crazysheet.net.  Other search engines, you google plain ol, "crazysheet," this website is the first thing that comes up.  Google?  Totally ignores it.  Seems like some sort of conspiracy and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it believe you me!  I mean, Hey You-- Believe me!
    You can google, "Crazysheet net," and it'll come up but whose got the time for that?  No one, that's who!  Shut up is the point get off people's backs for some reason.  I'm old enough to remember when Yahoo was the premium search engine and Google was the new kid on the block and I was all like Hah, google, that's never gonna take off.  People know Yahoo.  People trust Yahoo.  I'm a Yahoo man now and forever.  Plus, they have fantasy baseball!  That seals the deal, Yahoo is king.  I think this line of reasoning was when I was in middle school.  Sixth or seventh grade.  I specifically remember thinking it in Home Room.  My mind works in mysterious ways for some reason.  And of course this was when Ask.com was still AskJeeves.com.  And it was a real charming gimmick-- no one used it-- but it was cute to just know it existed.
    JEEVES, GET IN HERE.  I'VE GOT AN INTERNET QUESTION.  YOU'RE AN INTERNET GUY, ANSWER MY INTERNET QUESTION.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I think the premise of AskJeeves is a little off.  No one has their servant's main quality that they can answer obscure questions.  People who have real-life-Jeeves don't use their Jeeves to direct them on services a search engine can provide.  It's more like get get me more milk Jeeves or jerk me off Jeeves and wear that Scream Mask while you do it or Jeeves my wife returned from the dead again I'm gonna need you to throw her back into her now-open-again grave.  It's never Jeeves tell me more about the nutritional value of almond milk.  That's not what real life Jeeveses' are for.  Two of those things involved milk.  Hmm.  How about that.
    Anyway, where am I.  Eighth paragraph, hey, that's great.  And Jeeves goes I keep telling you, your wife isn't dead, just because you throw her into an open grave doesn't mean she's dead, the reason she keeps 'returning from the dead' is just because she's alive and keeps climbing out of that hole!  And you're all like you think you know Jeeves but do you?  Do you really?  Anyway, what else is going on.  Shouldn't Jeeves be considered sort of a racial slur against butlers and servants?  You say Hey Jeeves Get In Here and he's like My name is Clyde and you're like You're all Jeeveses to me!  He can then sue you and then you'd have to become his butler!   I saw a Seinfeld-within-a-Seinfeld about it sort of.  Meh.
Am I wrong, or did The Simpsons invent the word Meh?  I feel like it was born from the dialogue where Lisa is like we're the MTV generation, we feel neither highs nor lows, and someone-- I'm guessing Marge Simpson-- is like so how's that?  And Lisa goes Meh.  I mean, I know about Eh.  I'm sure Eh was a thing forever.  But I believe Lisa goes Meh and that may have been revolutionary.  Either way, it's a perfectly cromulent word.  What else is going on.  It was weird to read the Guided By Voices book and see the occasional reference to MTV and come to the realization that MTV actually used to have something to do with music.  I mean I knew that cognitively but I never really was able to process it on a human level.
    I kinda miss the show Next!  That's the one where they're on a bus and they follow someone else on a bus and then the person rejects other people and cash is exchanged.  I think I kinda hate-watched it as a teenager but now that its gone it would hit some sort of nostalgia sweet spot to see it again.  Main reason I didn't like it-- I'm sure it's happened more than once that a girl sees a guy under 5'7 start walking up to her and she just goes NEXT and the guy gets one dollar and a lifetime of shame and humiliation for his trouble.  Anyway, time for part II of the entry.


Don't Be a Dumby

        I insist on spelling Dumby the non-socially acceptable way!  Consequences be damned!  So what else is going on is the point.  Oh here's the point-- gonna take a walk now.  Break up the entry into two halves the right way. Be back soon! WTF JSUT HAPPEND TO THE FONT RMASF rHey I'm back from the walk.  How 'bout that.  I'm not feelin' great today.  I had a beer earlier, I did my RoomWalkin before that.  Saw Contact Lens 'Doctor' as a check-up to make sure everything was working optimally optically and now don't have to see him for another year.  So the point is today is full of Endings and Beginnings.  It's Ending for me seeing this contact lens liason.  I'll always have the memories we shared, like the 90% of the time I interacted with him all up in my grill presumably to study my eyes.  And beginnings, because.. uh... I started... this entry!  This entry didn't exist yesterday.  And now it almost does!  Wild!
    Hey hey what can I do.  That used to be one of my favorite songs in high school.  The Led Zeppelin song with that name.  I've mentioned before how I used to imagine my life being a movie [not that I thought my life was a movie, just that I would imagine one day making a movie based on my life and expropriating real life into forming a movie], specifically to the soundtrack of certain songs.  I had a fantasy of me walking in a circle in my room, walking around a deskchair that spins, and I'm spinning it while walking around it, and that's the trailer, and Led Zeppelin's Hey Hey What Can I Do is playing over it.  It's part of a larger montage.  But that's the part I had plotted out.  So, sure, great, high school wasn't a total waste.  Now I have what could be 2 seconds of a trailer of a movie of my life from 15 years ago but also I need to convince Led Zeppelin to agree to have their music show up in my movie while they're well known to not license out their music for that kind of thing so I've got my work cut out for me.
    Hmm... Hey what else is going on.  12th paragraph?  13?  Hey it's 13!  I'm so happy!  I was taking my walk just now and it occurred to me that The Last House on the Left could use some serious re-branding as The First House on the Right.  That seems a lot more positive and upbeat, right?  Like no rape or murders ever took place at all!  I wasn't thinking of the Rape And Murder movie randomly.  That's not the kind of thing that occupies me.  It's cause my actual house is the last house on the left.  Well, or, like I say, the first house on the right.  Anyway, jeez, crap and crap.  I also live in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but that's another story for another time.
    Jeez.  Gonna get some pizza later.  Ya'll don't even know.  You can't know.  It's pizza but the way I do pizza you have no point of reference for how much I get out of pizza.  Just trust me and trust that I do pizza right.  I started jerking off to my computer sometimes over the past few weeks after almost exclusively using my phone for pornography for a really long time.  It's weird and I don't like it.  The porn is too prominent up on the big screen!  It's more intimate on the phone.  Anyway these are the real issues that effect me day to day and I'd be remiss to not bring it up.
    Hmm.  15th paragraph.  I'm not 100% comfortable with how ubiquitous saying pornhub has become in terms of referring off handedly to online pornography.  How did they culturally conquer the other million sites to become an easy reference?  And do they deserve such a high honor?  I don't know, but these are the questions that we need to be asking as a society.  I feel like a whole new world has opened up to me from a few weeks ago when they accidentally got my pizza order wrong, and instead of giving me 2 slices with the 2 separate toppings for each like I meant to order, they gave me 2 slices with both toppings on each.  I mean, I knew theoretically it was possible to have multiple toppings on a single slice.  God knows I've done it many times in the past.  But in my current incarnation of eating pizza, the last couple of years, I wouldn't dare go there-- it's a lot of money to have multiple toppings per slice!  But once I tasted it-- oh, boy, is it worth it.  Now I'm getting 2 toppings per slice on purpose, and it's expensive, but wow, what an experience!
    Hmm.  16th paragraph!  75% done and whatnot.  Playing a little bit of poker here and there.  I'm at a bankroll level where I'd be happy to withdraw all I got.  But I'm also at a level where I currently am stuck without withdrawing it and resort to playing a little bit here and there out of boredom so oh well what can ya do.  I've noticed on my walk I walk by a tree and someone set up a birdhouse against the trunk of the tree and a relatively short branch.  Why.  Birds are doing okay.  They don't need your bullshit house!  Leave them alone and they'll survive okay they don't need your bullshit neo liberal bleeding heart bullshit useless birdhouse.  If you really wanna help them let the birds unionize and then maybe they can take care of themselves.  I don't know what I mean.  The point is Neoliberal=bad but for not exactly the reasons I implied.  Sorry to mislead you.
Great!  17th paragraph!  Now get off my back about it!  Neo Liberal.  Mr Smith Conservative.  That's one way to interpret The Matrix.  Why in the Hell did Neo have to kill Mr Smith by jumping into him in the first place.  If only he had killed him in a more conventional way the next 2 movies wouldn't even need to happen.  I think.  I haven't watched any of those movies in at least a decade.  But that's my memory.  Neo jumps into the computer algorithm to kill him and then the computer algorithm becomes magic because of it.  I think The Matrix should join forces with Fight Club as very popular movies from just before the turn of the century which they don't show on TV often presumably because they're trying to build a lasting legacy where watching them means something.  Hmm.  I guess you could add Freddy Got Fingered to that duo.  What else is on Google.
Three paragraphs to go you assholes.  Cool!  Been writing this entry while facing South.  That's today in a nutshell.  Always with the facing south today.  Oh well, that's cool, I can dig it.  The point is I wrote an entry today and that's more than I could have said had I not written an entry today.  Toppings 4 today -- ankovees & meschroams.  I don't know why.  Don't ask me why I did that.  I don't know.  Can't we all just move on with our lives?  No need to dwell on that unpleasantness.  Really.  Anyway, jeez, entry getting close to being done with ya heard.  Also I'm a big fan of the crushed red pepper.  I think my relationship with crushed red pepper started around middle school, not that far off from when I was considering different search engines.  I found I like them crushed red pepper flakes.  Yep.  Yup.  Fascinating.
    Penultimate paragraph!  I've always been kind of a hot sauce poser.  In theory I'm the kinda guy that's like Yep i like stuff hot mmm give me some of that heat.  But in practice, I'm more often than not like nah that's too hot-- not flavorful!--  you say hot but c'mon no one likes it that hot.  Oh well at least I'm coming to terms with this duplicity now rather than later in life when its too late to do anything about it.  Is that what duplicity means.  Seems about right, right?  I'm gonna stick with saying duplicity.  It's a nice word and I think, even if its being misused, adds to the overall quality of the entry.
    Alright we be done more or less.  Whattado after this entry.  Started watching Once Upon a Time in America earlier today.  Still got about 4 hours of that movie left to watch.  It's a long one!  But I like it because it's about Jews and I'm one of those types of things theoretically and in practice more or less!  Is it just me or is the phrase Once Upon a Time completely meaningless?  Who the hell came up with that random combination of words and why do we all act like it makes any sense?  Anyway the point is I'm done here and I apologize in theory for the D- Entry but in practice too bad I'll see ya later.

-4:18 P.M.



Thursday, May 9, 2019

Turns Out Comedy Is Supposed To Be Jokes

        That's not what I've been led to believe, but sure, I'm open to adjusting my interpretations of things.  Had 1st session of comedy class a few days ago.  It was great.  Real fun, teacher was taking it seriously, other classmates were taking it seriously.  I have no complaints except for the time I didn't get a standing ovation for delivering my 2 minutes.  But, oh well, I guess there being room for improvement in audience's response is necessary if I wanna get even better.  Anyway, gonna write an entry today-- but you probably figured that out already, haven't you?  You genius, you.  Hey, me genius, too!  Lets form some sort of club. 
    Anyway, apparently I was taking notes during the class, which is good, because re-reading the notes now, I completely didn't register One Thing the teacher advised us.  It's good stuff, I'm not saying it was worthless.  I'm just saying my guttural reaction to everything she said was yeah of course that's obvious I already know this and potentially everything about everything we're just going through the motions of you saying this and me writing it down.  And now, re-reading it, it's like, oh so this is what's important, this is what we need to focus on, etc.  So the point is thank god for notes.
    But, for the most part, I feel like most of the learning was through osmosis.  It wasn't so much what was said as much as it was watching the other people go up, getting whatever reaction(s) they get and I got from myself, seeing how the teacher acts, how she interacts with my classmates, and so on and whatnot.  I figure it's kind of like jazz.  I'm learning about comedy from all the comedy learnings that's aren't being said.  I knew Jazz would pay off eventually!  Up until now its been completely worthless.  And now, suddenly, it offers itself up as a metaphor for something and all is redeemed in my eyes.  Sure I had Supermarket Sushi for lunch today nobody's gonna tell me what to eat for lunch.  Unless Teacher tells me what good ComedyFood is.  I'll eat that I guess.  Pot committed to doing what Teacher says at this point.
Anyway, I had to go up first for my 2 minutes for some reason.  My best guess is that I was the first person to register for the class and thus I have to do everything first from now on.  It's all good, though, I was 80% prepared.  Did my little bit about how I wanted to knock it out of the park initially with being funny and insightful, and then realizing how presumptuous that was.  Then I did a bit about how in no other profession is it okay to carry around a notebook to guide you.  You don't want to be getting prepped for surgery and the doctor comes in with a textbook going Great!  This is covered in chapter 17, and guess what, I got it all highlighted from last time I read it, this should be cake!
    Then I just closed it up by saying I'm just gonna blaze through some facts about me.  My name is Mike, I graduated from college a couple of years ago I'm thirty, and I live with my parents.  That was the biggest laugh I got.  I live with my parents.  Hmm...  I'll take it!  And then during Teachers comments she said something about how me living with my parents was indeed a highlight of my set.  Hmm.  I guess I have to re-evaluate what's funny in life.  Well, live and learn, that's what I'm taking the class for.  Was it sort of a "And I Live In A Van Down By The River" Vibe?  Now that I think about it, that sort of might have been the cadence at which I was speaking.  And I may have also mentioned not having a job.  So, yeah, that might have been what happened.   
    Anyway, I need to have another 2 minutes prepared for next class, and this time around I really am gonna talk a bit about my mental illness.  Let's take this personal crap to the next level!  She did say last class (I know, because it's in my notes!) something about if you're Bipolar, talk about being Bipolar.  I'm not Bipolar. but I am schizoaffective.  And today I had the idea of saying I'm a 21st century schizoaffective man.  But I don't 100% get that reference, and there's no guarantee over 50% will over 75% get that reference.  But, either way, I do have about 80% of a 2 minute riff on my illness already prepared for when I was thinking about doing it for this previous class.  So I'm ahead of the curve!  Thank god!  Crossing curves is fun and I've got all the curve crossing to look forward to!  I'm gonna swerve a bit-- not too much!  Just enough to enjoy myself!
    What paragraph are we into.  Also pretty happy with the demographics of the rest of the class.  Probably two thirds female, probably three fourths in their 20s or 30s.  Those are numbers I can dig because I like being around those types of people it's fun for me.  I am just being honest.  Also, everyone seems real chill, there to take being funny seriously, and so on and whatnot so sure it's all great I guess get off my back about it.  What paragraph are we into.  I never answered myself.  Seventh?  Already?  I haven't even said anything yet.  That's not supposed to happen.
Maybe the best part of the whole deal was there's a great little dinner right near the rehearsal space and I went there and there's all sorts of great diner and bakery options.  I may have only been 90% satisfied with the class, which is still very good, but I was 100% satisfied with the diner.  So I got that going for me is the point.  Here's the note I wrote down in regards to what Teacher said about my 2 minutes, probably what she said verbatim-- "Stuff about being 30, living w/ parents was good."  There was no, "Stuff," about it.  That's literally just what I said verbatim!  I think so, at least.  Maybe I said some hilarious stuff that I don't remember.  Anyway, like I said, live and learn, I'll take it!
    Cool.  Also, presumably she used the word, "With," which I transcribed as, "W/."  We can't be sure because that moment has come and gone and there's no way to travel back in time to find out.  So we'll never really know for sure but at least I learned an important lesson which is take more precise notes so I won't have to deal with this confusion ever again.  Jeez.  What else.  Having some Day Beers today.  So far, just one!  Maybe later, two!  Anyway, jeez.  Even more exciting, at the bottom of all the notes I took for class, I apparently wrote a dozen song titles in a drunken stupor.  I got a beer on the LIRR ride home.  I wasn't really drunk, but I don't remember doing it, so, yeah, sure, you get the idea.
    Anyway, paragraphs come and go.  And this one is the tenth.  I counted several times just to be sure.  Only the best from this website!  You'll always know what paragraph you're up to!  I know my audience and what they prioritize!  It's you.  And you care about what huh how many fucking paragraphs are we through at this exact moment.  Well, now that all that's settled, let's move on with the rest of the entry.  Guess this time around there's an exact partition between part I and part II.  Part II was comedy class stuff.  The upcoming part II will be non-comedy class stuff.  But first, first, first I need to finish this paragraph.  Hey I just did it.  Well, now at least I did.  Have a good life. 


How's Your Life Been

        You know, I can't complain.  A surgeon removed my complainer glands.  Real sad story.  So, anyway, back to crazysheet, huh?  Let's get on with it, then.  Finished that short book that talks about comedy philosophically and abstractly.  Apparently, when Mr. T was saying I pity the fool, he was assuming a very Shakespearian mindset and so Mr. T pitying the (comic) fool is actually high art and he should have won some sort of Oscar or Nobel peace prize for it.  Nobel Peace Prize, definitely, I think, cause not only is it culturally important to pity the fool, but the pity he shows for fools can only help to bring about peace and love in this world.  We should all pity fools as much as Mr. T is the point.
    The really sad, ironic twist is that people of my generation and younger probably inadvertently consider Mr. T to be a fool and worthy of pity.  This gimmick guy, I recognize his gimmick as a cultural touchstone but I have no idea what it actually means.  Kind of a fool for relying on a catchphrase that seems to mean nothing.  And, being a woke member of Generation Y through Alpha, I choose to pity him and his self imposed misfortune.  It's like a Twilight Zone ending for Mr. T.  All the pitying fools and then suddenly everyone pities him for being a fool.  That's the stuff of nightmares, is it not?
    13th paragraph!  Wonderful.  Can I do my 2 minutes on Mr. T.?  I probably could but I don't wanna!  That's not being honest about me.  That's another thing Teacher was talking about.  Just make it as much about you as you can, firstly so that no one can steal your jokes.  As long as its about you, can't be stolen!  Not exactly my worst fear, though, to be honest.  I'm smart enough to know my jokes are stupid enough that no one wants to steal them in any universe.  But, still, lesson noted!  And it is true that we should tailor our jokes to ourselves, our point of views, and our personas.  So it's definitely worthwhile and important advice to make jokes personal.  I just don't 100% buy the idea that there's some malevolent creature out there who is just waiting to hear and to steal my jokes.  Seems kind of paranoid. 
    And trust me, I know paranoid.  Lemme tell ya a bit about me...  Paranoia is probably one umbrella term for a part of my mental illness, but it's not the one I'm planning on focusing on during my bit for next week.  Sure, all the mental issues are intertwined.  But I'm gonna frame it more around the occasional unwanted thoughts in my head (which may be called voices-- but I don't hear them audibly-- more just like an unwelcome thought that isn't quite me).  So yeah I got some jokes lined up about that that both clarify what its like and sprinkle in some humor.  Knowing this audience though, who needs humor?  I live with my parents. HAHAHAHAHA.  All I have to do is say, I have mental illness.  Now, let me expl-- HAHAHAHAHA.  Then the teacher is like, I said go out on a high note!  Sit down!  You've won!  And I'm like But I didn't get to the j-- Sit Down SICKY!
    Well, live and learn.  This is what I wanted for myself for some reason.  What else is going on.  Maybe that riff is good for next week.  I'll put that in the Maybe pile.  Note to self-- start keeping piles.  What paragraph are we into.  15th.  I can dig it.  All in all, though, I spend over a month looking forward to this class starting, and I'm happy with it so far.  Fun, relaxed, and a third positive thing one would imagine.
  Now it's time for the next stage of my life.  Which will presumably be the stage of okay now I'm in the class for six weeks.  Let's get through this and then figure out the next crap.
    What else.  Finished Tales From The Crypt.  Finished the last season of American Horror Story.  Re-watched With Bob and David Without Bob And David It Was Just Me.  Chewing more than my fair share of gum.  No cigarettes in six weeks as of tomorrow.  That's a month and a half!  I crunched the numbers and everything!  Now I have to watch something new presumably but who knows.  No new TV.  Gotta watch on my computer like an animal!  I do need to thnk of what to do next, though.  Not just for tonight, but for what am I gonna be doing the next six weeks during the non-2 and a half hours a week I'm in comedy class.  Hmm.  Have I watched Tales From the Cry-- oh, right, yes.  I can chew even more than my fair share of gum.  That'll show 'em, that'll show all of 'em!
    Cool. Up a bit in poker the last few days.  That'll probably definitely last this time around.  That's my hypothesis.  Which is when you have a thesis but need to get it out really quickly.  No time to go into elaborate talk about this thesis!  It's a hypo-thesis!  Just gotta get it off my chest immediately!  Apparently Internet says, "Hypo," is the opposite of, "Hyper."  I should have known about that since I had hypothyroidism.  Or do I have hyperthyroidism.  Damn this science stuff is hard!  Here's an Insight-em-up into how I feel-- this is something I wrote down in Notebook regarding trying to conceptualize a new life attempting to do standup -- Starting a new life completely isn't scary... having to go back to the old one is.  And look at me now.  I'm back!  That'll show fear for being... correct?  That doesn't sound right...
    Cool.  What paragraph are we into now.  18th.  Three ta go!  Then presumably take a micronap or something.  I've been trying to get into micronaps.  By which I just mean a nap but I use the phrase micro before it because it makes me feel more grown up.  Doesn't even matter if I fall asleep.  Just lay in bed, close my eyes for half an hour, an hour.  That's a micronap in my book.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I've gotta eat dinner in four hours.  People gotta eat dinner.  There's a common experience we all share.  You ever notice when you're eating dinner.. with your family.  and you're 30.  AND YOU LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY  Well goodnight! 
    I should have finished that joke by saying you laugh, but you are all my family now.  We're ALL a family now!  Now whose laughing?  You're the dicks!  And they'll be confused but I'll feel like as if I won that showdown.  Heh, I guess that is kinda funny.  I'm numerically an adult and do all sorts of adult things but I am infantilized by having to commiserate with my parents constantly as well as be fully aware of the fact that I am for the most part supported by them financially.  Hah!  Now I get it!  Well Hey after this paragraph I only need to write one more.  That's something I can get behind!  Because it means I'm almost done doing stuff!  Doing Nothing is harder work than Doing Something a lot of the time.  Think about it!
    Or don't, its your life.
  I hope.  What else is going on.  Been doing good in poker the last few days but I'm not 100% happy about how I keep playing poker even when I theoretically want to stop.  I've got shit else to do, though.  It's tough.  Hey maybe there's a movie I can see this weekend.  Let's load up the ol' internet.  "The Hustle?"  I've seen ads for that on the sides of busses!  I'm Convinced!.  Nah I don't know.  I can go see The Intruder.  That's the kind of mediocre movie I like seeing.   Not sure why, but it's true.  Maybe I'll set up an appointment with the theater.  You mean buy tickets for a showing?  Yeah, that's what I said.  Call the theater's secretary and set up an appointment.  Get off my back about it.


How About Some Bonus Paragraphs

    Don't mind if I do!  Even if its only one.  And it's Some Bonus ParagraPH.   Let's see what else is in the news.  My Comedy Class is a block away from where they tape Stephen Colbert & The Late Shows so when I was in my favorite diner and a nerdy looking guy was there I naturally assumed must be Stephen Colberts' writing staff.  Prove me wrong!  Anyway, what else is going on.  I think I meant to say he must be on Stephen Colberts' writing staff, but the omission makes it 10x funnier.  That one nerdy guy is his entire writing staff.  And he was taking a break!  Makes me laugh.  Also, in that neighborhood, a lot of harassment from people telling you to come see stand up comedy.  No one ever flips it, though, and says come with me and you can perform some comedy!  It's always trying to build an audience.  I say, they should have people to get the performers!  And there's just 60 people sitting in a dark room somewhere until suddenly a street advertising person comes in and goes I Got One! and then you have to perform for half an hour.
    Pretty sure that's more or less how comedy works in my mind.
  Oh well, what can ya do, live and learn, right?  I'll see The Intruder sure its better than nothing.  I'll buy the ticket right now!  What, you think I won't?  Are you sure about that?  I'll do it.  I swear, as God as my witness... God knows to keep his mouth shut about whatever he witnesses me doing, though.  If he knows what's good for him!  God ain't gonna say Word One about what he's seen me do.   
    Probably, right?  I really lucked out when I saw Long Shot (to me, previously stylized as The Long Shot) with it being the closest theater in the building to the bathroom.  I could pretty much just come and go at my leisure.  Wasn't missing much.  I could literally be back in the theater in 40 seconds from time I leave the room with what the music and video playing and get back to that room where screen things were going on.  And that's even without resorting to pissing in the lobby!!  Which is always a back up plan that I have in my back pocket, but you don't wanna overuse that play, cause you do it once, you won't be invited back into that movie theater.  Gotta save it for the one time its really gonna count.
    What the Hell have I been talking about.  This is the 24th paragraph.  Aiming for 25 seems about right, right?  Also, not happy about the last 2 times I went to the movies, when I ordered the machine the correct kind of soda to supply me with, it was very obviously disposing half soda half water.  Half of it looked like cola when it was spraying down, but it was concurrently spraying down a clear liquid that, to be honest, I hoped was water, because if its not water, it could be non diet soda, and that's a worst case scenario of epic proportions.  I get half Diet Mr. Pibb and half water, fine, its watered down Diet Mr. Pibb.  I can live with that.  I get half Mr. Pibb and half Full Calorie Sprite?  FUCK THAT SHIT, SOMEONE'S GETTING SUED.
    Last paragraph!  We did it together you and I.  Mostly me.  But you read it!  Good for you!  Have another paragraph, its on the house.  Coulda been a good tagline for Fiddler On The Roof.  Silhouette of a guy on the roof of a 2d house and it says It's On The House.  Now, lets see if I can appropriate that razor-sharp wit, timely commentary, and brilliant idiocy to stand up comedy.  My guess is yeah probably not but ya tried thanks for trying I'm gonna keep your money and by I I just mean stand up in general we got your money that's just the way things are.  Oh well, live and learn, what else can ya do, am I right?  I'll see you all later probably.

-3:32 P.M.



Sunday, May 5, 2019

I'm At About 70%

        Of what?  I don't know.  But it seems about right.  Maybe it's my phone's charge.  Nope, that's at 87%.  Well, I'm stumped.  Game show where you have to stump the president for the present called Stump Trump.  It's a fun game show because everybody wins!  It's easy to stump him!  Except for the people who live in the country where he's still president for the present.  Then maybe a few dozen people win.  That seems about right.  Maybe a few hundred instead of a few dozen.  Ultimately, there's a three digit number of Americans who are really gettin' it goin' under our present president.  Seems about right. 
    Can 70% be how I'm doing in life?  No, nope, that cant be.  I'm doing great in life!  I'm totally continuing the routine I've been developing at a successful rate of Still Doin' It.  Ah, here's a save-em-up from just earlier this morning.  How come I never see any Neo-Nazis sporting a Hitler moustache?  Do they not know how to shave and are too embarrassed to ask their barber Give Me The Hitler!?  I mean, if they like him so much, you think they'd like his style, too.  So why not ape his look?
    I think if Neo Nazis all had Hitler moustaches the rest of us Normos would laugh and laugh and laugh every time we see one or even many at a time.  Just crack up.  Hmm.  The word, "Embarrassed," from last paragraph.  Barr.  The current AG for the present.  Is there some sort of pun to be made?  Nah, probably not.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.  For every pun to be made there's 10 potential-almost-puns left on the cutting room floor.  Something about cutting up the dance floor by dancing great and cutting room floor.  Nope, nope.  That's also nothing.  Anyway hey, Comedy Class in two days!  I'm oscillating between looking forward to it heavily and getting really stressed out about it.
    There's a part of me that wants to create a good first impression and knock the 2 Minutes on Mic during first class Out Of The Park.  But there's also a part of me that realizes, isn't it incredibly presumptuous to go into this class thinking I can knock some 2 minutes on microphone out of the park?  The whole reason I'm taking the class is to do just that competently!  To go in with Jokez And Laugh-Em-Ups/Insight-Em-Ups just seems kinda tone deaf as well as  stupid as well as Embarrassing.  Let's disbar Barr.  Anyone made that pun yet?
I want my keyboard to have a Disbar and when you click it the text Yo Momma! shows up.  Is Yo Momma! in and of itself a dis?  Wouldn't it have to be followed up by, I don't know, some embarrassing act, quality, or condition Yo Momma is entangled in?  I've given all of us, collectively, a lot to think about.  I'm gonna go pour that coffee I started brewing before this entry.  Alright it's time to play Stump The Trump!  What's seven times nine? ... ...You Stumped The Trump!  Anyway now I really am gonna go pour that coffee.  Trump-- Well, I know eight times eight is 64... don't ask me how I know that, but I do... the average between seven and nine is eight... I'm gonna say it's 64!  Wrong!  Nope pretty sure its right.  Fake news!  They're out to get me!  Math is out to get me!  Alright for real coffee time.
    How amazing would it be to see that in a presidential debate.  Anderson Cooper going Mr. Trump.  What's eleven times seven?  Oh man they gotta do that!  Whatta hey I still haven't gotten that coffee I keep promising myself.  At the very least, if there's a possibility they might ask that, maybe Trump will have to do what we all did in third grade and learn the times tables up to the number 12.  And maybe that'll help him make smarter decisions outside of math.  That's how we did it in elementary school-- I assume that must be pretty standard, right?  At least across NYC.  Teaching times tables by memorizing everything up to 12 x 12.  144.  Kind of separate from learning how to calculate multiplication.  Sure, we all learned how to figure out 18 x 17 at some point.  But for me at least it was accompanied, probably preceded now that I think about it, by just memorizing everything up to 12 x 12. Anyway this is all very fascinating but what else is going on.
    It must have been standard across Everywhere.  I remember those black and white notebooks had the 12 x 12 multiplication table either in the front or the back.  And I don't think they made specific black and white notebooks just for NYC's public school system.  That would be a blunder or something.  Hey seventh paragraph already.  Probably gonna take my afternoon walk in the middle of this entry, anywhere after the tenth to 15th paragraph, I don't know!  Get off my back about it.  Time to play Stump The Trump.  Donald Trump... Are Neo Nazis, "Fine People?" Oh, I know, this one's easy.  Yes!  Yes, of course!  Wrong!  Fake news!  The Jews are out to get me!  Save me Neo-Nazis! ...Besides, they're called Neo Nazis for a reason!  They took the good parts of Nazism and got rid of the bad parts!  Doesn't take a bran surgeon to figure that one out! 
Heh.  Bran Surgeon. The good news is, at least, I finally poured that coffee for myself and am in the process of drinking it!  And you all doubted me!  Maybe I should bring in an iced coffee to Stand Up Class.  That'll let people know that I'm cool.  Think about it!  They will!  They're paying good money to think about things presumably I Don't Know How It Works!  Anyway, jeez.  Been going way overboard with the iced coffee/cold brews lately.  Two has become Always and sometimes Thrice a day.  My first college roommate used to listen to the band Thrice.  Still not 100% what that is.  Pretty sure it's some sort of Alt. Metal or something along those lines.  Never bothered to learn about my peers' cultural touchstones, somehow that part of college never got to me.
    I feel like a big part of college for a lot of people like me are like hey I'm meeting other people who have similar interests as me in music or comedy or art or...!!!  Meanwhile, I met zero people like me.  I had some friends at one point or another but I don't remember ever bonding with anyone who had the same tastes as me for stuff.  All I remember is Thrice, great, I'm gonna go back to my nonsense stuff, see ya.  Oh well such is life and whatnot.  See-- I had an iced coffee this morning.  I just poured myself a hot coffee I brewed at home.  The plan is to get another iced coffee on my walk soon.  I love it!  I don't care, so what, get off my back about it and whatnot.  The only thing I must avoid is going to the same place twice in one day for iced coffee/cold brew.  I mean, they don't care, business is business.  But it's kind of un-barr-barr-what-an-ass-sing. 
    Hey one more paragraph then it's Walk Time.  Real Walk Time!  No circle Walk In Room nonsense!  ...Already did all of that for today.  So what's in the papers today.  Lets see.  I feel like at some point printed newspaper will become like the penny where it costs more to produce it than the value it actually represents.  Something like that may make sense.  Almost makes sense to me.  Almost, and to such a degree, that I'm pretty confident yeah this probably does make sense overall.  Alright well that does it for part one.  See ya soon for the exciting conclusion!     


Nothing Has Changed

        Well, other than the time. And I also now have more iced coffee than I did half an hour ago.  Anyway, here's a bit I'm working on...  I was taking a walk down the street, and I saw a sign that said, "No Standing Any Time."  I gotta stand some time!  Questions?  Comments?  How can I punch it up a bit is the point.  I know going into the comedy class that I have a classic bit on my hands there but I just need the confidence to really have it take me to that next level, ya know.  Here's another bit I'm working on: ...I know when we had to conserve water a few decades ago, they made the rhyme for toilets, if it's brown, flush it down, if it's yellow, let it mellow... what if my pee is brown and my crap is yellow?  It could happen!  It happened to me!
Classic comedy misdirection absurdity comparisons.  What else is going on.  I've worked my way up bit by bit to the point where I'm doing a crapload of sit ups and push ups each day.  Like, American Psycho levels of push ups and sit ups.  That's a reference even I don't get.  I never saw that movie.  But I feel like there's a part in it where the guy exercises a lot, I don't know.  Seems about right, right?  Anyway, jeez, what's going on in the wide world of sports.  I did watch The Rules of Attraction while doing mushrooms, though, which I believe exists in the same universe.  So, if you're wondering why my mind is broken precisely how it is, knowing that the first of two times I did mushrooms I was watching The Rules of Attraction, that might help explain things a little bit, I feel.
    Get off my back about it.
  Anyway, jeez.  You may be thinking, what kind of person does mushrooms and watches The Rules of Attraction.  Well, I had it on DVD.  We were in my college dorm.  My friend I guess had heard it was a comedy and was like let's watch that.  Not knowing it was a dark comedy and not a light comedy.  And I was high so I didn't give a shit I'll trust other people's ideas.  And that's how that came about and whatnot what else is going on.  Finished binge watching Tales From The Crypt.  The last season takes place in Britain which was really jarring.  80 episodes from the States and then all of a sudden every episode takes place in a place where they call America, "The States," and, horrifically, it latched onto my psyche to a point where I called America, "The States."
    Terrifying.  Anyway, jeez, crap and crap, ya heard.  For a place called The United States of America, there's not a lot of unity between the states.  I'm pretty sure every state thinks every other state sucks.  Not even an exaggeration, I think that's pretty accurate.  Hey I started reading Beastie Boys Book.  Pretty good so far but also incredibly daunting.  It's a really big book!  But the point is great what else is going on.  Hey only six paragraphs to go after this one!  I like that because it implies I can relax when the entry is done.  Little do I know that relaxation never comes it's just a never ending cycle of bullshit.  But it can't hurt to dream!  Unless you're in Inception! 
    Never saw that movie either, but I figure that makes sense probably.  Hey it's Cinco de Mayo.  That probably means something to some group of people.  Who can say for sure, though.  I like America's habit of only adopting immigrants's's culture when it means they can party.  Cinco De Mayo.  St Irish Day Parade.  Chinese New Year.  As long as it means we have an excuse to drink we're welcoming your culture with open arms!  Heh.  St. Irish Day Parade.  Stupid things make me laugh.  Does raise an interesting point, tough.  Let's just tell Americans man you're supposed to get fucked up on Ramadan.  Suddenly everyone loves Muslims!  It could work!  
    Hey 75% done with the entry.
  Wonderful, just wonderful.  Next entry will most likely be after first session of comedy class.  So, by the next entry, I should have all the kinks worked out and be capable of applying my superior Stand Up Comedy knowledge to This Nonsense and basically I'll be at 120% quality or something like that.  Figure I'm due for Afternoon Snack #2 around the end of this entry.  Presumably somewhere between 20 minutes and an hour from now.  I tried that Nitro Cold Brew from Starbucks and man does that Nitrogen make it taste better.  Too bad you can't get it in a Trenta though ya heard?
    I guess I could just get 8 Small Nitro Cold Brews at a time and just go nuts.  One can dream, right?  Presumably.  Dunno what to watch now that TFTC is done.  I don't wanna go back to watching The Twilight Zone.  I realized meh this isn't that entertaining now that I have other things to compare it to.  I guess I could get back into American Horror Story and see that through to the end.  Probably a lot of choices out there though for consumers like me so I'll be okay one way or another ya heard.  Hey only three more paragraphs to go now!  I'm so happy!
    Let's see, what else is cloggin' up the ol' mind gears.  That's how I conceptualize my thoughts or ideas.  My mind is a series of gears and a thought is what happens when something clogs up the gears and prevents them from functioning correctly.  And the only way to fix it is to get rid of that thought or idea.  Makes sense to me.  The point is my new chair is still great.  And I didn't even think of this ahead of time, but being able to push the armrests up turned out to be great because it means I can play guitar while leaning back in my chair.  Wasn't even thinking of that! 
    Penultimate paragraph.  Then it's either Banana time or FiberOne Oatmeal Raisin Cookie time who cares they're both sweet and both have fiber and I get to enjoy myself either way!  Before I tried an Oatmeal Raisin cookie a month or two ago, I remember always thinking of it as health food.  Oatmeal, that's healthy, raisins, those are fruit, healthy.  Therefore, an Oatmeal Raisin cookie is a sham of a cookie and is in fact healthy and probably not cookie material.  Little did I know nope sure is a cookie.  The point is we all have misconceptions about life when we're younger and only with age and experience can we come to terms with what things are really all about.
    Hey last paragraph.  Made it through!
  What kinda crap do I have in store for the next 48 hours before embarking to Comedy Class.  Probably a lot of figuring out what to binge watch next and hopefully its something good that stimulates my mind in all the right places.  Joe Biden threw his hat into the ring.  Quick someone pick up his hat and throw it back out of the ring so maybe he'll leave!!!  Commentary.  The last week or so I've been going to bed at fuckin' 10:00 PM.  I mean, I know I'm getting to be an adult and all, but 10:00 PM?  What the Hell is wrong with me.  I didn't go to bed at 10:00 PM ever in my life, not even as a kid.  I guess life is just going through changes.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Maybe it's just cause I'm always looking forward to either chocolate chip pancakes, waffles, or French toast when I wake up.  I wanna hurry up and get to sleep so I can wake up and eat dessert.  Whatever it is, I feel good about it, actually ya heard.  See ya later.   

- 3:43 P.M. 



Thursday, May 2, 2019

Take Some Things Seriously

        But how am I supposed to know what to take seriously and what not to take seriously.  I don't know, it's your life, you figure it out.  Well wonderful what a great help you've been.  Don't mention it.  Too late!  Ah, I love us.  Anyway hey friends it's a new month, new color scheme.  I bought a bunch of sharpies and ballpoint pens to help me really elevate my RND note-taking game to the next level.  I'm talkin' three colors of sharpies-- black, red, and blue.  Four colors of ballpoint pen-- black, red, blue, and purple.  The blue and purple look very much alike.  Hope someone was fired over that egregiousness ya heard.  But I still haven't found the color that I'm looking for.
    I'm also thinking about buying a blue rubber ball.  You know, to throw against the wall and stuff in my spare time?  I know my parents would strongly disapprove of that.  I mean, very strongly.  They've disliked stuff I've done in the past-- drinking, drug use, going crazy, sleepwalking outside naked.  But you could put all of that together and it wouldn't even reach a fraction of their indignation if I had a rubber ball and threw it against the wall for 15 minutes every day.  Well, it would reach a fraction.  That's simply how math works.  But you get the idea.
Anyway.  Been having some real frustration experimenting where to put my laptop these past few weeks with no TV.  I got it facing north right now-- where it's been almost exclusively for the past 10 years.  This is the direction my window is in.  But I've also experimented facing east-- that would be where my old desktop computer was.  And, of course, a lot of the last two weeks, it's been facing south-- on the surface my TV used to be.  So the point is I don't know where I am anymore and what direction to go in.  Anyway, Comedy Class is in 5 days and I still have no idea what to do with my 2 minutes.  My most recent idea was do a riff along the lines of It's Gotta be Tough to do Stand Up!  I tell ya stand up comedy seems like it's tough!  You gotta write jokes.  You gotta tell jokes.  You gotta get used to the deafening laughter and applause after the joke...
    I think it would be a very appropriate topic for a bit.  Now all I need to do is make jokes about it.  That's too bad.  I hate havin' to do things!  Actually, to be honest, that was my penultimate idea.  My actual most recent idea was fuckin' spend hours combing through the last year or two of Crazysheet and pick out 10 or 15 winners to blaze through.  But that involves not just me doing remedial work, but also being exposed to my half-un-thought-ed creative side over the last 2 years, and I don't think I'm comfortable confronting just exactly what I've been up to for the past 2 years both in terms of what I've been sharing with people over the internet and also what it says to current-me about where my mind is/has been. 
    Oh well, such is life.  Guess I can figure out this Stand Up Is Tough! bit.  I've figured things out before, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility.  Anyway.  I have a very specific fantasy about this class.  I fantasize I make friends.  Friends who will be my friends for several years.  We start doing open mics together once or twice a week.  Sometimes they come to my home in Queens, marvel at all the clean surfaces in my room, and are jealous of my chair and how I always get to sit in it.   They have to sit on the bed, or if there's three or more of them, we bring in chairs from the kitchen.  I have a new 32 inch TV and we watch episodes of Duckman on YouTube for it is a Smart TV.  They get stoned while I drink beer.  It's a fun, light, and philosophical we're smoking weed environment, but I don't smoke weed-- I drink a lot of beer.  But it works for us.  Anyway, that's my stupid dream.
 Now that I've said it out loud that's seven years bad luck or something.  There's some people out there that would love seven years bad luck.  That implies once the seven years is up, your bad luck ceases.  It's like Who wants to be a millionaire?  Billionaires don't!  It's a step down.  So to someone whose sure he's been unlucky his entire life and will continue to be unlucky for the rest of his life-- he gets seven years bad luck-- he's over the moon.  Seven years.  Just seven more years of bad luck and then I come out the other side smelling like roses.  I'm not 100% sure what I'm talking about.  That's the point-- I don't want to ever have to read this again!  And, boy, I don't envy you either, having to read this even a first time!
    It's probably fun to read it as someone else, though.  Hah.  That kid's messed up.  Makes me laugh!  Makes me laugh too, we're on the same page there-- but only to consider it theoretically and philosophically, not to actually perform the process of re-reading it.  Anyway, what paragraph are we into.  Seventh!  I can dig that.  That's what some guy said.  About a hole.  Actually holes are the one thing you can't dig.  Already been dug!  It's what some guy said about some plateau-ed ground.  Ah, prime ground for diggin'!  Ain't gonna be no plateau when I'm done with ya!  Anyway I'm gonna have Afternoon Snack #1.  These days I have 2 Afternoon snacks.  That's right you should be jealous.
Especially if you're Ben Jealous.  Then you don't really have a choice in the matter.  What else is going on.  I finished the Guided By Voices book.  It was a real pleasure to Never Have To Read That Book Anymore Again.  That's how I feel about 99% books I actually make it through.  Boy that book was adequately entertaining and thank god It's out of my life completely now.  One book down, unlimited books to go.  Such is life.  Book I've been reading now is this strange short book talking about comedy theoretically and philosophically that I must have gotten assigned a few years ago when I took that Queens College Comedy Class.  That was a class within the English department where we didn't learn how to write or perform comedy, but we theoretically learned how to consume it as consumers.  I don't remember learning anything though.  Don't even remember what we read.  We definitely didn't read this book.  It was on the syllabus I guess but the only thing I remember is the teacher defending Carlos Mencia for stealing jokes.
    What else is crap.  Also thinking about re-reading Akira Kurosawa's Something Like an Autobiography.  I remember reading it in high school and really liking it for some reason, and I came across it while I was cleaning up my room, and, along with a dozen other books, I salvaged and set up for immediate-future-reading.  And this is the book I'm most diggin' the idea of reading.  Also, I feel inclined to clarify that this book is an autobiography by Kurosawa.  But if you couldn't figure out that it was something like an autobiography after reading that the title was Something Like an Autobiography, then, well, I don't know what to tell ya.  Maybe it's a Rashomon situation where everyone read the title differently.  Yeah, the title is Something Like an Autobiography, written by Akira Kurosawa-- but I bet it's a novel about a samurai who says things or something.  I lost interest in this riff.
    Anyway, what else is going on.  10th paragraph.  Jeez.  Doin' pretty good in poker.  Thinking about just coasting at more or less the level I'm at now.  Only play lowest stakes to keep myself occupied while doing CircleWalking which I am gradually decreasing every week.  The goal will ultimately be take 3 real half-hour walks a day, outside, and in the morning, between Morning Walk and Lunch, is a lot of circle walking worked around doing a bunch of sets of push up/sit ups.  So I get a lot of exercise in, it still gives my day structure, but I'm done with it by noon and can continue living like a normal person for most of the time.
    It's like a nice little part time job that I can work at on my terms.  Instead of doing remedial work like combing through nonsense websites for polished jokes, it's walking in a circle for two and a half hours.  Is there anything really that different between the two?  I've given myself a lot to think about.  That's why I don't wanna go through these entries.  All the times I've said I've given myself a lot to think about, I never actually think about it!  If I go back and re-read everything I'm gonna have to think a lot about all the things I had given myself to think about!  I never thought those promises would come back to bite me in the ass!  It was just a figure of speech!  A figure!  Speech! Paragraph's over!   
    Whahwawa.  Still need to read Beastie Boys Book.  Then I think I'm all caught up on the books I've gotten recently.  Looks real interesting but it's way big and that's kind of intimidating I feel.  Also, I checked-- nothing under the sticker.  But I didn't feel like a fool for scratching it off, either.  Kinda had a fear I would scratch the sticker off and there'd be a message like what kinda fan and reader are you?  Scratchin' off stickers we put up here on the cover for a reason?  Very disrespectful!  I can tell you're a jerk and the Beastie Boys wouldn't like you.  So, go ahead, read the book.  But you suck and you don't get it and we're all laughing at people like you inside this book you asshole.
Something along those lines, that's the point.  13th paragraph.  Hey how about that crap.  Still no tobacco cigarettes in a long time!  Fuck you cigarettes!  I don't need ya!  But if you ever decide you're not harmful at all and in fact a healthy part of a balanced breakfast I'll still be here.  The point is sure I'll try some eggplant on my pizza hook me up with that I'll have it later tonight even.  I went to pick up pizza on my afternoon walk for dinner later and I was like you have eggplant as a topping? and the guy was like Yeah, Of Course!, with the implication being duh we're a pizza place of course we do eggplant.  So I was like, I'll have two Sicilian slices, both with eggplant and mushroom.  And he kinda rolled his eyes, with the implication being what the Hell kind of combination is that?  You have no idea what you're doing.  That's the stupidest pizza I ever heard.  Well, you asked for it...
Of course I know what people are thinking.  That's part of being a genius.  Also, real dilemma I had-- before going into the order, I wondered repeatedly do I say Eggplant and Mushroom, or Eggplant and Mushroom
S.  Also, does the order matter?  Eggplant and mushroom(s) or Mushroom(s) and eggplant?  Which sounds more natural?  These are the problems that normal people like me face every day that the fat cats in Washington will never care enough to address.  Also, sick and tired of the fat cats in Washington.  Why can't they be more like the fat cats in other parts of the country?  Now, the fat cats in Cincinnati-- those fat cats I can get behind!  The fat cats in Reno, Nevada?  Love them fat cats!  It's like once you're a fat cat and you move to Washington you just change man. 
    Anyway.  Main guy I talk to who works at Starbucks went have a good day and I said You too Man!  I realized that's something I sometimes do in casual conversation.  Call people Man.  Just use it to punctuate whatever I was saying.  Thanks man!  ...  I think that's it.  Either you too man! or thanks Man!  I can't think of any other phrase I'd ever have to utter in life.  I think, beneath everything, when you really think about it, my life has just been going in the direction of how can I unconsciously create the circumstances where I could watch Duckman under the optimal conditions?  As good an interpretation that I could think of.  Also, no way am I gonna watch it under the not optimal conditions!  You only get one chance to binge watch Duckman, having not seen it for 20 years, and having been too young to get the jokes the first time around!  And I'm not about to blow that on the non-optimal conditions!  No siree!
    16th paragraph.  Hey how about that.  What's going on.  I've gotten in the habit of, when I'm done with the iced coffee, there's still some ice left, so I pour that into a glass and pour soda over the ice.  Two things involved there-- 1) soda is great w/ ice.  I need to learn how to make ice in my freezer because I've been really drinking soda under the non-optimal conditions and there's absolutely no reason to settle.  2) combination of soda and iced coffee?  Is there something there possibly?  Get Schultz on the phone!  I figure if I pitch Iced CoffeeSoda to him and he likes it he might let me run as his vice president.  And it's always been a dream of mine to be on a losing ticket and disliked by everyone for varying correct reasons.  If I was Howard Schultz I'd call my band Ultimate Schultz.  Not sure what that means, but there it is.
Also, when I'm talking to Schultz, I go, have you ever thought about SodaCoffee Man?  Meh.  One of the worse callbacks ever in the history of literature.  Sure this is literature.  What'd you think it was?  Also, SodaCoffee, that's the exact wrong way to market this.  It's CoffeeSoda.  No one wants SodaCoffee, but people will go nuts for CoffeeSoda.  Trust me I have a sixth sense about these things.  Three and a half paragraphs to go.  Great to start a new month.  April was a weird one!  Feel like I'm gettin' back on track in a life that makes sense sorta deal now these days.  Huh.  And I even made some progress on getting a new TV!  That might actually happen within the next few weeks I don't believe it!
    What the what is going on.  The only joke I really wanna tell is the one where Maury is reading paternity results and he goes And the test results show I AM THE FATHER! and I don't even want to tell that joke!  It cracks me up but I don't actually wanna figure out how to structure it and make the correct facial expressions and set it up and all that.  It's just the only thing I can think of in the past 20 years of trying to be funny that makes me laugh.  Anyway.  I randomly thought earlier today of the first story I can recall ever writing.  Fifth grade or so, I wrote a story about a guy whose name was Mr. Glassesface.  Forget most of the story, but there was one sentence where I go He Also Had a Cat, and while reading the story aloud to the class, one kid started cracking up at that.  Only thing I remember about the story.  He also had a cat and that killed with this one other kid.
    True story!  Well, the story about the story.  There isn't actually anyone named Mr. Glassesface and if there were I couldn't say whether or not he would also have a cat.  Also, important to remember-- I didn't start wearing glasses until relatively recently in life.  Started needing them in high school, but wore contacts for years almost all of the time.  And when writing the story, didn't even need contacts!  It's very important to remember, because people who had Glasses Faces were a foreign group to me, not one to which I belonged.  Anyway here there's only one more paragraph to go!  Then See You In Hell You Assholes!
    I mean, friends.  And none of us are going to Hell.  So, just, see ya when I see ya.  Anyway what else is going on.  I've started taking out the garbage for my family every other day because my Dad has his hip thing.  It's fun because it's like yup this is what people do!  Takin' out the garbage!  This is the result of a couple days worth of livin' life!  These are the remains!  Now it must leave our house in this widely recognized social-familial activity that most of us must go through at one point or another!  Wonderful.  Alright so I guess we'll leave it there for now.  Whatta do with the rest of the day.  Some remedial bullshit one would imagine.  I'll see ya later.

-3:27 P.M. 

Contact: mankindguy@gmail.com