October 8, 2012
I Sure Thought Of
Hello. What's been going on?
Vice Presidential debates coming up. Bill Clinton would be good in a vice
presidential debate, because he got blown out of wed lock. That's a good
vice for a president. A lot of things happen. What's going on.
Man, I'm so out of touch. The good news is that no one wants to be touched
by me, so it works out. Have you ever thought about the Finger Lakes?
I sure have. I've been thinking about moving down to Mexico. Just
kidding, I have never thought about that. Movies are crap.
Especially movies based on books. We already read it, why do you have to
act it out? Pathetic. Remember that Martin Luther King speech where
he goes, "I... have a dream...?" He should have said, "I... have a
dream... that I... am... KING!" I would respect him much more
comedically then. Comedically speaking. Frontpage doesn't recognize
that as a word. Better recognize. Because if you don't, those red
wavy lines will distract me. Something else that should happen is when the
Chinese guy puts pee-pee in your coke, and you find out, you should say, "well,
that's a slippery slope." Now that I've offended half the world, I will
take on white people. White people are all like, "Where's my dog?" and
"Come into my head," and "Reach for the stars, in a movie, about stars." I
don't understand white people.
But really, yeah. I can't believe I'm almost 24.
Then, when I'm almost 25, I won't be able to believe I'm almost 25. I
still need to graduate from college, time. Quit rubbing it in. And
then there'll be my 30's and 40's, and then, guess what, time to die. I
wish online poker was still legal. I honestly think I'd be able to
make a living out of that. But whatever. I hate the military phrase
"shock and awe." Sure you're shocking them, but as they're about to get
killed, do you really think they're in awe of anything? They're just
scared shitless. There should be a comedy team called "Shock And Awesome."
First we need to find people with the last names Shock and Awesome.
Shouldn't be to hard. There's a guy named Brock. He lives in Pokemon.
I just had a 39 second long conversation with my father about changing the
thermostat. He made it colder. Bad move, man. Bad move.
I don't even know no more. I had to see the dermatologist today. I
only had to take off my pants once. Turns out I'm okay. I have a
cyst on my left thigh. Can you say thigh when referring to humans?
Or is that just a animal meat thing. I guess it's okeydokey. Man,
this upper dose of the medicine I'm on is really starting to kick in. I
just feel so tired and apathetic and my heart hurts. I should move to
Canada. Medical weed, man! Yeah, man! I haven't smoked more
than a little bit in like a year. I miss it sometimes. But I don't
have the money or connections for it anymore. I got an idea. After
this sentence, let's start a new paragraph.
I did what I set out to do. This achievement will go
down in the record books. What's the deal with baseball. Is it still
going on? I checked out after the Mets turned out to be the Mets and suck.
This was several years ago. I used to like fantasy baseball. I won
my league three years in a row. It's nice to be good at something.
It's not nice to be made out of candy corn. I'm never going to be able to
go to college with these drugs I'm on. They make it impossible to pay
attention or focus. Focus is another way of saying pay attention.
Another way to say it is some other phrase or word that also exists and pertains
to that thing I was just talking about. I remember in high school, when I
was thinking all musically and had a huge crush on this one girl, I thought of
the dichotomy, is it better to live in a dream (her liking me and/or me
pretending that she does) or live in reality. It was especially poignant
because I didn't even realize I liked her, until I had a dream about her, and
then I was like, "holy shit I love this girl." But now I realize my
dichotomy is really just the same as every story ever told. Like The
Matrix. That's a story about living in a dream vs. facing reality.
I'm thinking about taking the Socratic Oath. I'm not sure what it is, but
I want to be on the right side of history. Linearly, we're all on the
right side of history. Unless if you're Jewish. Then you read
history right to left.
I had a dream last night I was playing a baseball video game,
and then another dream about eating Taco Bell. This is what my dreams have
devolved to. I guess that's what they call growing up. No one ever
called it that. Nowhere in the handbook on growing up does it say, "when
you hit puberty, you dream about falling in love with girls, and when you're 23,
you dream about playing video games and eating Taco Bell." It's probably
more all the drugs I'm on if anything. I found my alarm clock that I never
realized I lost. I don't need alarms anymore, because my parents just wake
me up if I have to go to the hospital or whatever. That's pretty much the
only time I need to get up early. You know what's a good band? You
do? Tell me. Thanks a lot. I like Emma Watson, because if she
ever has a son, she could always say, "Wat Son?" The sad thing is is that
I've thought that thought a million times in my head, and kind of assumed it's
something everyone thinks about once in their life. I'm confused about how
normal brains work. And Lindsay Lohan. Star Wars. Right?
I should be R2D2 for Halloween. It's actually pretty clever. But I
assume I will just spend Halloween eating candy that we have stockpiled because
no children live in this neighborhood.
This is the last paragraph. I feel like I usually do
five, so I'll stick to the norm. I hope Norm Macdonald has a one person
sex tape and when he cums a title flashes on called, "Stick To The Norm!"
Apparently there's a Hulk Hogan sex tape coming out. Now he needs a new
wrestling persona, because of things. I suggest he call himself Mr.
Moustache and leave it at that. Let me tell you what else. I don't
know. His theme music should be "All The Small Things," by Blink 182.
Or at least that should be playing during his sex tape. I keep trying to
figure out what the number 182 represents, and I don't think I'll ever figure it
out. I know every number has a personality of it's own, But this one I
can't crack. Anyway. It's almost time to say goodbye. I guess
it is. Why not.
October 14, 2012
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE
Hi. Not much is new. I'm
going to give up drinking. I really mean it. That's not funny.
Why do I always lead with non-funny things? Let's start over. Hi.
Not much is new. Except for this introduction. This is a new
introduction. That was almost funny. Let's start over. Hi.
Not much is new. Except for this introduction. I mean this one.
Not the last one or the one before. Hi. Not much is new from that line of
crap that just happened. Still wondering what to write. I hate
wondering. I try to do it as least often as possible. But it still
is most of what I do. Because I have no life. I sit around
wondering. I wonder what it would be like to be a rock 'n roll star.
I'd probably have to buy a new television. My current television is
broken. It still gets the WB. I keep having crazy dreams. For
at least a month now, consecutively, I've had very vivid and often times crazy
dreams. I can't remember much specifics. Sometimes I dream about
people I know, or places I've been, and sometimes I dream like it's the future.
I had a dream a couple of days ago about some of my friends and like who they
would be in the future and I woke up kind of happy because they seem to have
probable good futures, but kind of sad because I have no future. B-rabbit
has a Future. 8 Mile reference. Tom Hanks has a future. Green
Mile reference. Did Michael Clarke Duncan die a month or two ago? I
think I read that and was sad, but it might have just been in a dream. I
started watching The Green Mile about half an hour ago but paused it after two
minutes because it was boring. Other movies I've watched recently: Ikiru
and part of The Matrix. Ikiru is a really good movie by Akira Kurosawa
that I watched once in High School and mostly forgot. It's about a guy who
finds out he has stomach cancer and is going to die and what he does. The
Matrix is about a guy who finds out he lives in the Matrix, and is going to die,
to complete the trilogy, but he doesn't know that yet. Morpheous might
have known it. He's a crafty mother fucker.
Anyway. I was thinking about that children's rhyme "I've Got The
Whole World In My Hands," and it's pretty subliminally rotten. The way the
tune goes, if you really feel like you've got the whole world in your hands, is
that you want to end it by saying, "and I'm just gonna SMASH IT. NO MORE
WORLD." Maybe that's just me. Probably so. The elections are
heating up. The closer we get to it, the more apathetic I grow. But
also concerned. I guess those two cancel each other out. I guess I
could just say I'm thinking about it more often. But that's not really
apathetic. I guess I mean apathetic about how it turns out. But I'm
not really, because I firmly believe if Romney wins, that's a huge loss for this
country, and in turn, the world. But I guess I'm just tempering my
emotions. Going through two Bush terms, both of which were stolen, sort of
turned me off of all Republicans. Romney probably would be pretty centrist
on domestic stuff, but I think he would end up starting another war or two.
And he would give up huge tax cuts to the rich. And I hate tax cuts.
I like taxes. I think we should start taxing cuts. That was stupid.
In my head, I thought it would make sense, and if it does to you, God bless you,
but it's just stupidity on top of stupidity really. Taxing is something
Jimmy Fallon did in a movie. I assume so. I never saw it. I of
course am talking about Fever Pitch. I feel bad for Alex Rodriguez.
If he doesn't hit enough home runs, he might only have a nine digit wealth,
instead of a nine digit wealth. Maybe he lost one of his fingers, and
that's why he can't hit. Only nine digits.
Was the last paragraph supposed to be funny? I forgot.
In the old crazysheet I would often go on rants that weren't funny, so I should
feel comfortable to do it here. Also, most of what I write isn't funny
anyway. Also, no one reads this. Except for you. You being me.
You being me is comprehending what I just wrote in a singular fashion.
That makes sense. Shut up. I have two doctors appointments tomorrow.
Lately I've been thinking about going back into the hospital voluntarily,
because I feel really depressed and out of my mind most of the time, but I think
a lot of that could be attributed to drinking alcohol, and I'm going to try to
cut that out and see if that works. Besides, if I go back into the hospital,
that means no more crazysheet. Which apparently means something to me now.
I like having the website that past few months, but it doesn't mean the same
thing it did when I was in high school. Now I've grown up and graduated to
better drugs and updated, but I still got a lot of growing up to do, and I still
got a whole lot of throwing up to spew. Eminem reference. So it's
that kind of party! Hit it! M'N'M reference. I like how all
things can be related to other things. Except for numbers and letters.
How can you relate a "T" to an "E" or an 8 to a 9? Some things are better
just left alone. It just turned from 10:51 P.M. to 10:52 P.M. Time
reference. Pink Floyd reference. I just realized they did this bit
on Comedy Bang Bang. Which is a good show, in case you don't watch it.
Does that mean it'll be a good show unless you "watch it," as in, "behave
yourself?" It can, if you choose to interpret things deliberately wrong.
Which I think we should do more of nowadays.
Fourth paragraph time. What else is there to talk
about? Lately every day seems to get worse than the last day. But I
was feeling really depressed earlier, but now I don't feel so bad. So
maybe things are going to be okay. I watched The Descendents last night.
That was a weird movie. It's all about how in Hawaii everyone is more
congenial. At least that's what I picked up from it. I'm not sure if
there was a plot. There was a plot of land that was central to the plot of
the movie, but I'm not sure if there was a plot to the moo... wait, I'm being
told that there being something central to the plot of the movie implies that
there is a plot to the movie. Finally, the voices in my head are coming to
good use! This doesn't make any sense to anyone. Crazy Sheet would
be a good blog name for a prostitute who doesn't mind to kiss and tell.
Not a very good prostitute then, though. Both because she'll tell people
she had sex with you, and because apparently she only gives out kisses. I
remember in 2008 when I was living on my own, going to NYU, I used to check out
craigslist and google for prostitutes, but I never actually followed through on
getting one. That's a sort of personal detail about my life. Don't
tell anyone. Brittany Murphy reference. 8 Mile reference. It
wasn't really a Brittany Murphy reference. She's in "Don't Say A Word," I
think it's called. Some uppity no goodnik should play poker, and when
someone bets and it's his turn, he should go, "I think... it's called." Is
uppity a racial slur? I didn't mean to imply that he was black. If
it is, sorry. Is no goodnik a racial slur against hippies? If so,
good. Fuck 'em. They're hippies, what do they care.
Fifth paragraph time. That's the last one! Whew.
And here I thought my life was meaningless. Turns out I could write
another entry in a thing that probably three people read. Oh, I saw Argo
on Friday. That was a good movie. Funny, suspenseful, based on a
true story. All the things I set out crazysheet to be. I've been
playing guitar a lot lately. I've got to quit that, because I suck.
And I only get worse. You would think that if you play all the time you'd
get better, but I actually get worse. I guess that's because my digits
and voice get tired. Actually there's an open mic in the city on Monday's
that I was thinking about going to tomorrow. I guess I still could.
I haven't been to it in like a year, but a few weeks ago I got the urge to do
it, and tomorrow would be a good day. If you're interested in coming,
facebook me or something. It's fun. Anyway. I can't believe
how close we are to the end of the entry. Because I feel both apathetic
and stressed out about what I will do when this entry is over. Not unlike
the election. Not unlike my entire life. I'll probably just listen
to some music and then try to go to sleep. Not unlike my entire life.
They could put that on my tombstone. "Listened to some music, tried to go
to sleep, finally did." The end.
October 26, 2012
Taco Bell And Sausage
Both things that taste the same way
coming up as they do going down. It's true. Halloween is coming up.
I'm going to be a ghost. This website will be my costume. It is a
crazy sheet and I will poke eyes in it. I'm listening to internet radio
and regular radio at the same time. What are the rest of you, suckers?
I'm getting twice the amount of music for the same amount of time.
Actually, one radio is on commercial. But it won't always be on
commercial. Unless if it is. Then I guess it is. Anyone know
about Where's Waldo? That would be a good Halloween costume. Except
whenever someone says, "Oh, you're Waldo!" you have grunt and be annoyed that
they found you out. I was drinking a lot the past week. But I'm done
now. Out of money. Also, the more I drink, you'd think I'd at least
tolerate it the same, but I've actually been tolerating it worse lately.
So I don't know what to do with that. Maybe write it down then forget it.
That's a pretty cool way to go. Elections are a week and a half away.
The AOT who sees me once a week offered me to join them on a seminar for
mentally disabled people on teaching them how to vote. The seminar is
November 15. Thanks a lot. I can take a hint. Nobody wants
mentally ill people to vote. I noticed I don't have dandruff anymore.
I guess that's one area my life hasn't completely fucked itself over the past
few years. Less white spots in my hair. Hey, I'll take it!
Big wheels keep on turning. Anyway. I don't know why I feel
compelled to write entries. I don't particularly enjoy it anymore.
But I have nothing else to do. I can't watch movies anymore. I don't
have the concentration. And I can't attend concentration camps anymore.
I don't have the movies. Over the year I've become strangely obsessed with
the English language, and not in a good or productive ways. I just read
words from outside in, or read the first letter of each word and connect it to
the next word, or in words that have multiple synonyms pronouncing the synonyms
out in my head to hear the sound of the word, like a retard. I don't know
what to attribute this shockingly diseased way of thinking to. Probably
someone's fault, though. I guess it's God's plan. God's plan to
subtly make me more retarded as time goes on until I'm a full on, drooling,
invalid. Id vial. That's a vial of something that has emotions.
It's also an example of my language disease. Your welcome. It
doesn't always work out so well. Usually it's just nonsense. But
then you have to start making up meanings for two or three letters combinations
that don't even make sense. That's just how it goes.
Anyway. This shit is 2/5ths over. Hooray.
Except for you. You have to read 3/5ths more. And me. I have
to write 3/5ths more. Plus, read it as it goes.
It's double the punishment! Well, I am the one committing the crime.
Thought crime. Time crime. Whine crime. Somebody rhymin' words
with crime? My ears just perked up. Hold on. We're halfway
there. Living on a prayer. Take my hand, we'll make it I swear.
Oh, living on a prayer. That matched up nicely. Coincidence?
Or God giving me help on how to finish this crappy entry? Who's to say.
Maybe it was Pandora helping me. Thanks a lot, Pandora. I remember
starting to listen to Pandora in 2008 and I would listen to Guided By Voices,
Dinosaur Jr., and Immortal Technique. Hey there was just a key shift in
the upper direction. Now I'm more excited about this entry, and upbeat.
Those guys from that band sure know how to lubricate digital crap. Am I
the only one who doesn't understand ZZ Top? It starts with a Z, so it's at
the bottom, but the second word is Top. Is it because they're autistic?
I should write this with a pencil, on paper, then type it up. I did that
sometimes with the old crazysheet. Except I used a pen. What was I
thinking?! What if I made a mistake? Cross it out? No thank
you. I've crossed out too many things in my life, thank you very much.
We Will Rock You matched up with Imagine. We're in very sublime territory
now. Even more than if Sublime was playing. It's classic rock
stations, though, so they probably wouldn't come up. They even have about
the same tempo. It sounds pretty good.
Hi again. It's me. Well, that moment's done.
Time to move on. No time for losers. 'Cause we are the champions.
That song came up after We Will Rock You. Just to clue you in.
Foreigner came up on the internet radio. I promise not to make the rest of
this entry just listing the songs I'm listening to as they come up. Unless
if something really interesting happens. I had some really good dreams
last night. In one of them, I was working on writing something comically,
and in another, I was working on a new song. Basically stuff I'd like to
do in my real life if I wasn't so burdened by the reality that I'm not funny or
creative. The Zombies came up. Man, I love The Zombies. I was
watching Night Of The Living Dead a week ago, and it made no sense.
Throughout most the movie, and the way they're described, the zombies move
really slow and have no motor functions, but in the beginning, they're running
around, smashing car lights. All I'm asking for is consistency.
Obama '12. "All I'm asking for is consistency." I miss having
friends. I have like one friend. It's pathetic. I should go
back into the hospital and hope there are people my age just to make friends.
Then I'd have to live in a hospital, though. So the trade off isn't that
great. Do they really expect us to bang a gong every time we get it on?
That's rude and insensitive. I'm assuming I'd be getting it on with
different girls in a short period of time. I guess if it's your girlfriend
and she doesn't mind the slight invasion of privacy, it's okay.
Okay. We're almost done. Everyone okay?
Right, right, you're okay. If only this entry was like this, only better,
then I'd be set. Anyway. What else? I can't drink for a while.
What the hell do people do when they're not drunk? Watch T.V.?
Listen to music? Haven't these people heard of watching T.V. and listening
to music while drunk? They're missing out! AC/DC is currently on
both stations. Way to be original. Not! AC/DC was one of my
first favorite bands. Them, Tenacious D, and Led Zeppelin.
Interesting facts about me. We're almost done, folks. With this
entry. Not with our lives. Those will last another 50 or so years.
Hopefully they'll cure some diseases from now until we're old and we can live an
extra ten or twenty years. Because living life when you're old is fun.
It's the band Fun. When we're all old enough, we join the band, or
something, I guess. What the hell is a "teenage diplomat?" Is that
like a Twilight thing? Why would countries have teenage diplomats?
Oh, "Don't Stop Believing" came on the other radio. Guess I can't question
it. Can't stop believing. That's what music told me, so I have to do
it. I'm so bored and my mind is so full of shit, I can't explain. It
could be worse. That's the one thing that I often clasp on to. That
it could be worse. Maybe that's what my presence reminds people of.
"Oh, it's relatively bad for us, but for this guy, well, it could be worse."
Your welcome. And on that sour note, we end the entry.