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Friday, February 22, 2019
Title #5881
I crunched the numbers, and I figure I've
written about 5-10,000 unique titles in my life. That's pretty good, but
could be better. Between Five titles and 10,000 titles? Not a
great estimate. 5,000! C'mon! Learn how to read the way I
want you to read!! But, then again, aren't there really only five kinds
of titles, in essence? Let's see. There's the titles that have
the word, "Title," in them. There's titles that actually indicate what's
in the entry. There's titles that mean absolutely nothing. There are
titles that are acrostics, where the first letter of each word in the title
forms a complete word or phrase (or, at the very least, form a really
interesting combination of letters, that, while not a real word, really makes ya
think.) And there are titles that are callbacks to earlier titles.
Yep. Only five kinds of titles. I was right.
How about that. Friday Afternoon entry. I was
re-reading the last entry and it's really time I stop the Trumpian writing style
of capitalizing words or phrases unnecessarily. Is that the first time
someone used the word Trumpian to mean possessing a Trump-like quality?
I haven't seen it before. Seems like it'll catch on at some point, though,
right? How about that. Saw my therapist today. Put some money
on poker. The point is Life Is What You Make It. I don't know if
that's true. I think the opposite, You Are What Life Makes You,
might be more accurate. SHIT I already slid back into capitalizing
phrases unnecessarily. This is a hard habit to break! Unlike our
combined Earth Ecosystems, which turned out to be easy habitats to break.
Hmm. That almost makes sense.
Cool! Earth Ecosystems. There I go again.
What bullshit. The Academy Awards are this weekend. How am I
supposed to know what's going on without a host? It's just gonna be a lot
of people on stage doing stuff, looking in envelopes, talking about god knows
what, then some other people come on stage, they say some stuff... I have no
idea what any of them are talking about!! What the Hell is happening?!
Also, who will call attention to diversity and make complimentary jokes about
audience members, and tell us about undervalued film creator assisters, and tell
us who died? I need to find out if ethnic and gender and artistic
diversity is finally catching on this year!! Also, it's pretty obviously a
big Fuck You to people who made films this year. The Academy Awards
thinking is apparently this year wasn't so great, we don't need a host this
year. How they're not all offended to the point of anger is beyond me.
I'm offended to the point of anger all the time.
It's the best way to get offended. If you get offended but don't really
care, why bother getting offended at all? Doesn't make sense.
I'd like to meet a blind person and go so you got eyes but still can't see?
How would you describe your eyes, keeping in mind that your answer must include
a pun. And then they go they don't make sense. I'd like
that to happen one day in the future but not too far future where I forget that
I was even looking forward to it in the first place. Anyway. I'd
like Weird Al to run for president, so Trump can go I like him, but I call
him 'Weird' Al Yankovic, kind of an offbeat character.
Fifth paragraph. Bernie Sanders is running for
president! I'm supporting him, but if it turns out he's not infallible,
then screw it, why bother. So that's something to keep in mind over the
next few months. If a tree is infallible in the forest, does anyone
recognize its greatness? Something to ponder about when you got enough
free time to properly ponder bullshit. Anyway. Still doing a lot of
sit-ups. I tried to start doing push ups, but after doing 10-20 for a
couple of days in a row, a couple of days ago, a couple of of my harms still
hurt to a couple degrees. Can't do an odd number or a multiple of couples
for now at all! Hmm. Maybe I subconsciously want a girlfriend
and to be part of a couple. No, that can't be it. I'm
pretty conscious about that desire.
The point is I'm 30 years old let's figure out how to be
an adult in other ways than being in a committed relationship because that ain't
gonna happen any time in the immediate future. What else. So far
I've been writing this entry real early in the afternoon. I may end up
taking a break halfway through, then finishing it a few hours after said break.
That's what quarterbacks do when their offensive line is just lollygagging
around when they should be in action. Ya see, he's about to perform
a play and he goes, "Break!" and then they just don't do anything and he
goes, "I SAID 'Break!". I don't know much about football put I'm
pretty sure that joke makes sense to some degree. You may notice I'm
trying to wean myself off the capitalizing things by putting them in bold
instead. That's a step in the right direction, because even though it's
not correct at least I'm distinguishing myself from Donald Trump.
Well that's great. Cool! My Dad told me he
can't wait for three years from now for the date to be 2/22/22, and especially
at 2:22 P.M. It's just good to see him excited about something.
We talk about that kind of stuff a lot, though. For example, he goes six
days ago, the day is the month to the fourth power. It's fun to
talk about this stuff because every other day ever has some kind of thing you
can talk about. It really keeps our father/son relationship going.
Pi Day is in a few weeks! I like to imagine Fat Americans hearing it's,
"Pie Day," on March 14th, getting really excited, then they find out it's a math
thing, and they go, Oh. I thought it was about Pie. Well.
Now I'm depressed. I was gonna celebrate pastries and everything.
Maybe even eat some. Now I don't even know if life is worth living
anymore.
Americans take their supposed dessert-themed holidays
really seriously is the point. What a letdown to find out its about math,
which Americans traditionally treat with extreme disdain. Eighth
paragraph. Figure I'm about two or three pounds from starting Maintenance
Diet. The fantasy will finally become a reality! I don't know if I'm
emotionally or mentally prepared for such a joyous occasion to finally come
after months of pining and preparation. I don't get why so many moderate
politicians specify that they want to help the middle class.
You guys do know there's a class under middle class that needs your help
even more, right? Oooh we want to help the middle class so the
working class can aspire to be in the middle class and then they will thusly be
helped. Well, then, the middle class will just become the working
class. There can't be a middle class without an underclass. Then
it's not in the middle. You better crunch the numbers on your platitudes,
moderates.
To be fair, I'm in the middle class, and sure, I'd like a lot
of help, too. So, in that regard, sign me up! Anyway.
Sometimes I think about it and I derive a lot of self esteem and pleasure to
know that I know Pi to the fifth/sixth digit. 3.14159. Off the top
of my head. That's right, I'm a genius. Plus, it comes in handy a
lot! If I need to estimate the area of a circle shaped thing, I still
just use 3.14, pretty good approximation, I don't need the next three digits.
But the point is I'm a genius because I can remember three more numbers than the
common man! Gotta imagine that brain power capacity is paying off in
dividends in inobvious ways. Paying off in dividends, "In-obvious,"
see, that brain power is already expanding to my vocabulary!
What paragraphizzle are we into now. 10th! I
don't believe it. Gonna eat lunch in an hour or two. I got that
going for me and whatnot. I may drink a little bit after lunch if I'm
still writing this entry. Just a bit. Anyway. I think I've
talked about my affinity for chocolate flavored tootsie pops
before, and I just found a shopping bag full of chocolate flavored tootsie pops,
because when my Mom used to eat tootsie pops, she left the chocolate flavored
tootsie pops over, that I estimate is 3-5 years old. Already had a few!
They don't go bad! Candy never goes bad! The sugar keeps it fresh
forever one would imagine! I'm thinking about going to see Fighting With
My Family but I'm worried it would be a bad influence, and I'll come home and
start fighting with my family just because I saw it glamorized in a
movie. I'm not comfortable taking that kind of risk. It'll be just
like that time I saw Knocked Up and joined that boxing league or the time I saw
Forgetting Sarah Marshall and then forgot who Sarah Marshall was.
Really only applies to wresting and Judd Apatowesque movies apparently.
Anyway. Those were the first two movies off the top
of my head. Now you know a little bit about my free association skill
tendencies. Never hurts to be honest about yourself sometimes.
Wouldn't it have made more sense to joke that you got pregnant after seeing
Knocked Up? That's ridiculous. Men can't get pregnant.
Yet. I'm sure some scientists are working on that one. It's not
like they have anything better to do. Joining a boxing league after
seeing Fight Club would make more sense. That's ridiculous. I'd
never join a fight club. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to
talk about it.
12th paragraph. Apparently one of The Monkees died.
I wonder how Jane Goodall is coping. She's probably used to it, the
average lifespan of a monkey is like 20 years. So many times has she loved
and lost. Kind of a sad story. I wonder if monkeys lived in houses
and ate McDonalds and smoked cigarettes they'd live to 70 years like we do.
One would imagine, right? I'd like to see a meme of feeding McDonalds to
different species of animals, but I'm worried it would qualify as animal
cruelty. No cannibalism, though. I'm taking that off the table from
the start. What else is going on. Is it normal, when dieting, to
look forward to bowel movements because you're thinking well this is an easy
way to lose weight. It may not make sense physiologically but I think
it's probably a normal conclusion to come to. Thing where you track the
migration patterns of owls called owl movements. No, no.
Forget that thing. It's not a thing at all.
Alright! I wonder how the personification of owls
to be considered wise started. Some guy, somewhere, was just looking at an
owl, and had the thought, what are you thinking about you genius.
And it caught on somehow. Why? Is there anyway that they interact in
their ecosystem that is unusually smart? Is it based on anything at all?
Or did, really, some guy just go, you know, that bird looks intelligent to
me. I can't place it. But I know it. He reminds me of
my Grandfather, who knew a lot. Hey, kids, who does that bird remind you
of? The sad truth is the average owl is probably smarter than
whichever human deemed it to be intelligent. Cause that's a real dumb
thing to think. And trust me, I know dumb.
Remember that time I saw Dumb & Dumber, and
got, umm, what's the way to say, I couldn't, my mind went, wahta PLbt.
Wonderful. Hey Mets spring training game is tomorrow! I
get to watch them play games that matter just a little bit less than regular
season or playoff games which in essence don't really matter at all either!
Why isn't a thing to just root heavily for your team to win spring
training. How it any different than rooting for a team to win the
playoffs? I've given myself a lot to think about. See, spring
training, the goal isn't necessarily to win, it's to see what ya got and get
some practice in. So they're not trying as hard to actually win the game.
So what. Somebody's gotta win! It should be your team!
That's my hot take on baseball. And the teams are
not trying to roughly the same degree. So it's still an even playing field
is what I'm saying. I'd like to think of my life as a perpetual spring
training. I'd like to. I'm not saying I do-- but it'd be pretty
nice to. 15th paragraph. Probably not gonna drink today, it turns
out. Maybe tomorrow. I've got a surplus of calories to consume
because I've been consistently getting under the mark I set for myself each day
for the last few weeks. Might as well waste that on consuming alcohol.
I like obsessing over unhealthy things combined with math. It makes me happy.
Hey this entry is going pretty okay. I'm entertained,
that's gotta count for something. I wonder if pre-schoolers are ever like,
why am I learning how to count, it's not like I'm ever gonna use this in
real life. My guess is who cares. Although it's fair to
assume that sociopaths like Donald Trump were like, why am I learning how to
play well and get along with others, it's not like I'm ever gonna use this in
real life. If you want a window into the mind of Donald Trump as a
child, I think it's fair to start there. If you could go back in
time and kill baby Donald Trump, would you? Nah. I'd just
humiliate him by repeatedly covering him in manure and then he'd end up working
for me washing my car.
I don't know. Probably four more paragraphs. Eat
some lunch soon and then wrap it up after that. I'm a little disappointed
every time I check the calories of getting a wrap vs. regular sandwich to find
out wraps are more calories because I'd like to eat a wrap sometime and
intuitively you'd think they're less calories because it seems like less bread
but I guess most wraps have so many layers of wrap that it makes it more bread.
That happens a lot. One day when I'm rich I'm gonna get an
electric ounce calculator so I could put various foods on it and see exactly
how many ounces they are so I can use the information I get from the internet to
more correctly estimate the calories I'm consuming. As of now, I'm going
off the vague belief that for many foods 3 ounces is roughly the size of my
palm. But it's gotta be different for different types of foods, right?
Ounces measure weight, not mass, right? Different foods weigh differently.
Right? Right? RIGHT?
Penpenultimate paragraph. It does seem
weird that Biff ends up working for the McFlys. Hey, should we
hire that guy who tried to rape you? That sounds like a fun idea, right?
Apparently time heals all wounds in that universe. Or maybe the Mcflys
just became extremely sadistic and hired him for the purpose of continually
humiliating him and getting off on it. Either way, doesn't reflect well on
'em. I think there's some promise in the idea of an SNL or something
sketch where Bernie Sanders= Doctor Emmett Brown, Trump= Biff, and Some Other
Guy=Marty McFly. You could figure out a way to make that work.
Two paragraphs to go! Gonna eat lunch after this
paragraph. Then wrap it up with a nice, clean one paragraph.
Anyway. I put some of my own money on poker. It wasn't smart,
but at the same time, oh well, what can ya do. Read books or write music
instead of playing a mindless game where I gradually lose money? Where's
the merit in that? I came up with a great life hack for when I get Subway,
because when I get it, I put it in the fridge for a few hours because I don't
wanna eat it right away. And the life hack is this-- take the napkins out
of the Subway bag bebefore you put it in the fridge. You put
them in with the sandwich, a few hours later, they're gonna be soggy from being
in the fridge and being adjacent to your sandwich. You take 'em out
before you put them in the fridge, you got yourself a nice set of napkins
ready to do their job.
Eh, might as well just finish the entry, and then eat.
It's both my parents' birthdays next week. They were born two days apart.
Same year. I won't give away their age, but as my Dad would say, they will
both be in their prime. Hmm, they were also born in the same
city. I hope they're not twins-- although that would explain a lot
about me. Hmm. If two twins concived a baby, would that make
the baby sort of like a triplet? I don't know how DNA works, but... I
just checked the internet and identical twins can't be different genders.
Not yet, anyway. Let's get some scientists working on that one. It's
not like they have anything better to do. See ya'll later.
-2:00 P.M.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Here Comes An Entry!
Well how about that. I never thought I'd
see another entry! I don't know why. Just seemed improbable for some
reason. No it didn't. Yeah, but, well, so, sure, I don't
know, anyway, what are ya gonna do. Saturday Night entry.
Gettin' started on a paragraph or two before dinner, then will write the rest.
After dinner. No paragraphs during dinner! That's a promise!
Just saw Alita: Battle Angel. I didn't know if it was okay to be into
Alita, because she's kind of a teenager, she's kind of 300 years old, she's kind
of not human, and all of that seems like it would be disqualifying. But
she's played by a 33 year old (human... I assume) so in the end that's
what counts, right?
When doing research on the movie before I saw it, I saw it
described as cyberpunk. Which I think means Sci-Fi but let's
pretend it has something to do with the punk ethos for some reason.
Hey it's anti authority, that's punk! Fine I don't have time to argue
with you! I need to get paragraphs done before dinner! My
association with the word cyber will always be cyber sex. That's
what we had before sexting. We had, "Cyber Sex," which was sexting
in an AOL chatroom. Well, initiated in an AOL chatroom. You go
18/M which means you're 18 and male, and then wait for a hot lady to private
message you and then the fun starts. Basically it was 95% guys looking for
cyber sex, and 5% guys pretending to be women looking for cyber sex.
What a time to be alive.
Thinking about going to a rally in Union Square on Monday
to protest Trump Acting Like An Authoritarian. That'll cyberpunk him,
cyberpunk him good. Wouldn't the real cyber punk way
to protest be joining an AOL chat room, saying your age and gender, and then
going This Guy Thinks He Can Do Whatever He Wants! and then,
theoretically, a guy pretending to be a female private messages you to agree?
Anyway, the movie was pretty good. I liked how with every scene, every
sequence, every plot point, it got less and less entertaining. Started out
great. And just a gradual decline into well I guess this isn't so bad.
Really makes ya think!
I drank a shit load of soda at the movie theater. I
mean, I always do, but the last few weeks I've been drinking dramatically less
soda at home. So it was a real treat. Drinking roughly 80 oz of Mr.
Pibb Zero. Is there a Mrs. Pibb Zero? Because you look
good enough to drink! Anyway, still got some money on poker, not a
lot. Roughly $4.50. So, great, what else. I remember when I
was a kid, there was a period of a few months where I attended secret AOL
Chatrooms to exchange Punters. Panters? Punters? Whatever the
word was, it was like computer programs to wreak havoc. Hacking Havoc.
Like, sending mass e-mails, or other even more disruptive stuff for your
unwitting victim. I don't know why. I Was Just Angry. I
once pissed off the wrong guy, and he reported me, and AOL banned me, and my Dad
had to call them up and be like He's just a kid, have mercy, let us back onto
your service! And they did.
I feel like that's probably what it's like for Brett
Kavanaughs growing up. Get in trouble for rape, your Dad calls up the
judge, He's just a kid, have mercy, let him back into ERASING ANY RECORD OF
HIM EVER HAVING RAPED SOMEONE. And they go Boys will be boys!
But the moral of the story is I never Punted (... that can't be the right
word...) anyone ever again so it turns out AOL made the right decision.
The point is AOL Is My Daddy. I liked how Alita had big eyes.
Really humanized her for some reason. Is it true that your eyes never grow
from the time you're a baby till when you're adult? I feel like I've heard
that but under the conditions that it's not really confirmed and sort of an
urban legend. Oh well, no way to find out. Such is life.
Great! Man, already into the sixth paragraph, and
haven't even had dinner yet! I drank a bit at Beginning Of Movie.
Will drink a bit more throughout the night! Mixin' things up! In
more ways than one! Okay, roughly only two ways. Drinking
while I don't usually drink. And mixing said drinks with some sort of
juice or soda. I've been getting Vitamin Water Zeroes from the Super
Market lately. Whatta treat! It tastes better than juice, has
zero calories, and it's got the electrolytes my body craves! Anyway.
I've been eating a lot of cookies lately. I mean, I guess I've
always been eating a lot of cookies. But I'm starting to realize that
Chocolate Chip Cookies are more of a staple of my diet than anything else.
Gimme some of that sweet.
Cool! Life has been a bit of a snooze lately.
Not a whole lot being done. Yesterday was the deadline for Queens College
Creative Writing Graduate Program, so that's not happening. I had an idea
for a screenplay that I made some progress with, but I don't anticipate actually
finishing it (or, to be fair, even starting it.) Hey Foods Here!
I'll Be Back Soon. Hey I'm Back! The Screenplay
idea isn't that great or original, but I do think it's a good framework to sort
of tell the story of A Guy Like Me. Also, putting together the potential
sound track is fun! I think back to Farrelly Bros movies, and how the
soundtracks there are sort of the guiding light of the movie. They help
provide the structure and the feel. And for my idea, just coming up with
the songs strongly helps me put together the plot points. Fun Stuff!
Also, the whole process is essentially these songs are
great lets pretend this pretend movie does a unique job capturing a certain feel
when in reality its just these songs that already exist and I like.
The point is I'm a Great Storyteller because I Like Good Songs.
That's a relief! I was worried being good creatively would have to entail
me creating something. Imagine my joy to find out all I have to do is
write down Play This Fountains Of Wayne Song Halfway Through Imaginary Movie.
Which Fountains Of Wayne song? I'm Not Telling! Gotta see the movie
to find out! What paragraph are we already almost done with. Eighth!
Wonderful.
That makes this the ninth paragraph. I crunched the
numbers and everything. I've been doing a lot of sit-ups lately and its
starting to show. I have a strange torso physique where the sides are a
lot of hanging skin/fat and the middle is vaguely defined. It's not good
but it's better than not having a torso at all. That would be the pits.
I'm a little worried, though, because my weight is pretty much ideal, but I have
a fair amount of hanging skin/fat. Which leads me to believe that other
parts of my body are severely underweight. The math just doesn't add up to
indicte otherwise. I hope my organs aren't shriveled up and whatnot.
That would be a net negative for my entire deal!
Anyway, it was Valentines Day recently. It really makes
me reflect on the times when I Never Had A Girlfriend Or Celebrated
Valentines Day. So Many Great Memories. I did give one valentine
once, though. Third grade, I had a crush on a girl, and I gave her some
sort of special valentine. In grade school, at least for my generation, it
was encouraged, though not required, to pretty much give valentines to everyone.
I gave this girl a personal one, though, which I think was clear that it was
especially for her. Never got a response from that. I
can only imagine it went over like gangbusters and she was so happy that she
decided to never talk to me again, lest she ruin the specialness that we had
between us.
Not sure what the phrase, "Gangbusters," means. I
guess they really didn't like gangs when they made that phrase, and really
did like those who would bust gangs up. And it was the epitome of
Goodness. I wonder if Valentine Days Candy Hearts would get along with
Fortune Cookies. They're the only foods that tell you things, so you'd
think they would have a lot to talk about. Anyway. I don't like
just chocolate chip cookies. I also like cookies with other
formulations of chocolate in them, and I also like things besides cookies with
chocolate chips in them. Anyway. I read The Green New Deal.
Takes only five minutes, you should read it, on account of it possibly being
really important for our future. 95% obvious stuff, but there's also some
stuff about Unions and Fair Wages and whatnot that I guess Republicans think
we're supposed to see as controversial. Gotta make Moderate Democrats go
UNIONS? FAIR WAGES? I'M NOT SURE IF I'M IN SUPPORT OF THAT!!!
...Yes you are. Support it you numbskulls.
Also, if Republicans go It's not that I'm for
Climate Change, I just don't like addressing it this way!, and then don't
propose your own way of addressing it... you are for climate change. Check
and mate. Lots of important stuff going on these days. What with
Green New Deal and Trump unilaterally making a mockery of the Founding Fathers'
vision of separation of powers, and Kamala Harris lying about smoking weed in
college and listening to Future Music... The only logical way to react is
lets force regime change in Venezuela. That's the way to go! I
was thinking about if Trump actually thinks of himself as a good person.
My instinct is he thinks he's a great person, morally and everything, but also
must on some level recognize he's a terrible person in every regard you can
possibly imagine. Somehow his mind is able to do that. I don't know
how.
What paragraph are we into. 13th. Figure this'll
go to 20 paragraphs, possibly more. I'm knocking these paragraphs out
really quickly, so we'll see how long that continues. Anyway, looks like
we got Amazon to pull out of their Campus in Long Island City. Which I
think is fair, because no one ever offered me 3 billion dollars because I
promised to employ a bunch of people. Maybe that's a good money
making scheme, though. Just go to a city look, logically, you give me 3
billion dollars, I gotta do something with that money, right?
Maybe I'll employ some people, you don't know! If I had 3 billion
dollars, I'd probably employ some people. Just make some sort of human ant
farm and have them work at something for my entertainment. Doesn't matter
what. Just watch 'em go! Without a union and whatnot, obviously.
And laugh, laugh my head off!
Anyway. Starting to get a little frustrated about
not having much to look forward to in life. No real game plan for how to
make the next step of progress. Oh well, what can you do. Finish
putting together a sound track. That's not a new thing for me,
honestly, though. Since I was in high school, I used to just make creative
notes, play this song that I like at the end of the movie right before the
credits. It's always been my one true outlet for creativity to imagine
songs in not-fleshed-out-at-all movies. I hadn't done it in a while,
though, so this new round of doing it feels new and worthwhile. Maybe this
time it'll actually take! Who knows for sure.
15th paragraph. So far I got about half a dozen sure
songs for the movie. Figure I could fit in about half a dozen more.
We'll see. Only one of them is by Fountains of Wayne. That
song comes around the middle. During a montage. Of two characters
interacting. Can't say any more, that'll give too much away! Jeez,
just spent 5 minutes doing light editing of the entry. Making sure words
are spelled correctly and the grammar is a little more on target.
Wonderful. May not get much further than 20 paragraphs today, but, hey, 20
paragraphs is still a lot of paragraphs! Wonderful.
I find it strange that I'm not pleased with my appearance
when I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, but the 2% of times I see my
reflection somewhere else, I think I'm hot stuff. Something weird going on
in my brain to produce that sort of impression of myself. The point is I
Know All The Main Characters Names. Both in my fake screenplay, and in
life. I know your name, trust me. As long as you're a main
character, that is! I gotcha. Who would I get to play Me in the
movie? I'm thinking Me. I've got the character down pretty
well. It's just a whole bunch of me going Hey I'm Me in my
head, not that complicated. I was considering my Jewishness in the wake of
that congressman calling out that Israel Lobbyist People, and the implications
of possible anti-Semitism and whatnot. And I realized Hey I'm Pretty
Obviously Jewish. For a long time, when I looked in the mirror
(bathroom or otherwise) I just saw some guy-- usually unattractive, sometimes
hot stuff. Now, I see that all along, I was Some Jewish Guy,
sometimes unattractive, sometimes hot stuff. Oh well. It has nothing
to do with my spirituality or lack thereof. That's my genes and whatnot.
Such is life! Man that's sure something A
Jew would say. Oh well, such is life. There The Jew goes
again! Make it stop! Anyway, I didn't find that Tweet
anti-Semitic, but what do I know. Kind of a nebbish quality to my
appearance. Kind of anti-Semitic of myself to associate that with looking
Jewish, but, oh well, what can you do. Eat animal crackers. No,
that's no good. 17th paragraph. I guess that's
something you can do. Write paragraphs. I watched The Grammies last
week. I'm okay with other kinds of music, but it makes me kinda sad that
not one category shown was for rock music, and there was only one rock song the
entire show, and it was The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Who are okay I guess,
but I don't 100% like their whole deal. Sure I'm comfortable
misspelling Grammy's. The question is, are you?
What else. I guess Fountains of Wayne must have
been busy. Probably negotiating the rights for one of their songs to
appear in a movie. I'm pretty sure several movies have had Fountains of
Wayne in them. Off the top of my head-- can't think of any.
What else is going on. I know they got their name from a store in Wayne,
New Jersey, but I like to imagine that it's a reference to Bruce Wayne.
Like, he owns some killer fountains, and he wants to show them off to his
friends and business associates. What else is going on. I like to
imagine a lot of things. It's fun. Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Makes me think of the candy Warheads. Is that still a thing? I
remember for a short period of time, roughly when I gave that girl a Valentine,
they were having a moment. It's basically a fruit suck-on-em that's
extremely sour. I guess their appeal is let's make a candy that is
somewhat uncomfortable to consume. Kind of a fad, it came and went.
Maybe I should have given the girl some Warheads-- I don't know! And
the card could have said You're sweet but also make me somewhat
uncomfortable.
Pretty sure now that Trump and Putin have us back in a
nuclear arms race, Warheads will have another moment. Fair warning.
I noticed part of the recipe for Starbucks Cold Brew Iced Coffee includes water.
First they put in my Splenda. Then some Iced Coffee. Then
some water. Then milk and then ice cubes. Kinda feel like I'm
being deprived of some Iced Coffee. Kinda a scam. That would be my
first question to Howard Shultz in a Town Hall debate. I ordered some iced
coffee what's the deal with the water. Also replace it with more iced
coffee not more milk I'm already getting enough milk and definitely no more ice
what kind of cheapskate are you. I kind of cringe every time I see them
pouring the milk portion of my iced coffee. With my inner monologue going
please God don't pour too much milk. I'm sure it tastes fine but I'm on a
diet!
Also, not 100% convinced it'll taste fine. Outside of
coffee, I consume zero milk. I hate the taste. In coffee it's fine.
But if I see you pour a shit load of milk, I'm gonna think, whether warranted or
not, great now I'm more or less drinking milk. Well, into the trash
This goes! Also, if you're wondering if there's a connection between
me never drinking milk as a child (on account of me never drinking coffee), and
me being 5'2... congratulations you're my parents. Anyway. There was
a brief period of time my parents vaguely considered giving me Human Growth
Hormone as a pre-teen to help me grow more than I would have without it, but by
the time they took me to the doctor to find out whether it was a good idea, my
bones had already fused and it was too late to do anything about it.
Thanks a lot for nothing! Ya snooze, ya lose! Well, I lose.
But you get the idea!
Wonderful. I mean, I can still take Human Growth
Hormone to shrink my testicles, but I don't know if it's worth it for that
alone. 21st paragraph. Lets keep it goin'. Gonna watch
me some SNL tonight! That's a shared cultural experience! What fun.
Sort of like Alita: Battle Angel. I realized during the first third of
Alita: Battle Angel, while it was still a Great Movie, that I should have been
excited about this movie all along, being directed by Robert Rodriguez. I
was a big fan of El Mariachi in high school, on account of Me Wanting To Be
Cool. Or whatever I Unconsciously Thought Was Cool. Also, honestly,
I think it somewhat influenced me into actually taking the plunge and learning
the guitar. Not a joke.
Good thing that wasn't a joke. It didn't bring
me to the verge of laughter or anything! So that's a relief I guess.
From now on, instead of writing jokes here, I'm just gonna link to YouTube
videos of Fountains Of Wayne. They got some good songs that I'd really
like to turn you on to. Alright this may be the last paragraph. The
point is it's Black History Month. Shouldn't it be Black Future Month?
To only associate black people with history seems a little dismissive and
condescending. These people are a big part of our present and future, too!
But you won't hear the lame-stream media talk about that!
Alright I guess one more paragraph. I was having a
tough time thinking about minority representation in my fake movie. Of the
roughly 6-8 key characters, there's only 2 that could easily be non-white.
Assuming The Main Guy Whose Me is white. How seriously should I consider
fleshing out the characters in such a way to accommodate having an ethnically
diverse cast? I don't know, I'm no Farrelly Bros. Well, I guess not,
at least. Just make 'em all white unless being otherwise is part of the
joke. Pretty sure that's their stance.
Might as well go for 25 paragraphs, only two more to write.
I still have 2 more seasons of American Horror Story to watch, that I've stalled
on for a month, because the next season has something to do with either Trump As
President or at least the 2016 election, and that's just too scary for
me. Not a joke. Anyway. Baseball Spring Training starting.
How difficult would it be for me to get into Basketball mainly but also possibly
Football? I know the basic rules, have some experience playing them in Gym
Class and more in Video Games, and lately I've been thinking they seem pretty
entertaining but I've been too timid to really take the plunge to get interested
in. Especially since my general mindset these days probably seems to be
anti-sports, in the sense that my thinking would lend itself to the idea that
this is stupid and a waste of time to follow. But also, basketball
and possibly football seems like pretty pure and intuitive games, looks fun.
It is kind of weird that most sports are basically just
variations of the same thing. Basketball, hockey, soccer. You just
go from one end to the other and try to get it into a net. Not breaking
any new ground with that observation, but still, it's true. Anyway.
Whattado between now and SNL. Maybe watch some of the TV that's going on.
Gotta be something there, right? If nothing else, Dr. Pimple Poppers.
What slang word will Dr. Pimple Popper use to refer to the intimate body
parts of her TV patients This Episode? I can't wait to find out!
Anyway the next entry'll probably better. That's my expert opinion.
I'll see ya'll later.
-9:18 P.M.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
My Name Is Title And I'm Here To Introduce You To The Entry
Well, The Title is introducing the entry
to you. Introducing You to The Entry requires some feat of strength
that involves bending the fourth dimension, psychically figuring out who you
specifically are and presuming that it could identify you cohesively, and
providing a level of personal service that I'm just not sure the title would be
comfortable with. The point is Hey It's Wednesday. Gonna write a few
paragraphs, eat dinner, take a walk, come back to write the bulk of the entry.
Also, I'm gonna shave before dinner. Facial hair is getting too abundant
where picking at is is irresistible! Gonna nip that in the bud by getting
rid of it completely. A real scorched Earth policy when it comes to my
chin and... side chins. What do you call those. Cheeks? That
sounds right.
Also, when I was cleaning up my room a few weeks ago, I found
the charger to my electric razor! How exciting. I had gotten it for
my birthday in either 2016 or 2017, worked great for a few months, then stopped
working completely. WTF?! JUST BECAUSE I LOST THE CHARGER AND HAD NO
WAY TO INCREASE ITS CAPACITY TO BE A CONDUIT FOR ELECTRICITY?!!? WHATTA
SCAM! This was back when, for some reason, shaving with a regular razor
was extremely hard for me. It took me 45 minutes and resulted in the
soon-to-be-growing facial hair to come out uneven. Then, somewhere along
the way over the last year, everything just clicked and I figured out how to
shave myself like an adult. Took only 10 minutes and was relatively
effortless. But guess what? Now I got the charger again!
It's the age old story of Man Needs Technology, Man Meets
Technology, Man Loses Technology, Man Doesn't Need Technology, Man Gets
Technology Back, Man... I guess we'll find out soon! I'll keep you
updated on the results of this age old story in a little bit. Anyway so
I'll do that when I'm done with this paragraph. Still got a good amount of
money on poker and dieting and exercising and this sentence gets all that crap
out of the way. You know, all the crap that is the only productive crap I
do these days but really amount to a whole lot of not a lot? That stuff.
Alright! Also, I know you may be thinking-- Hey, Mike,
you're gonna shave anyway. Why not go crazy and rip out all your facial
hair? Really make an evening of it. I'll tell you why-- probably
will grow out in a weird way if I did that! Otherwise, trust me, I am
so there. Well, not really. That sounds like it would take a
long time and feel too much like work and I'd constantly be thinking Why Am I
Doing This Again? Alright, shave time, then dinner time, then walk
time, then Hey I'll Be Back Here In A Jiffy!
Well, it's been
roughly one jiffy, so here I am, back as promised! I shaved and
everything! Spent 5 minutes shaving with electric razor. Then moved
to manual razor for a few minutes to fine tune things a bit. Back to
electric razor. Then back to the manual razor to finish things up.
I don't know what I'm doing. Probably something foolish. That's
a pretty good adjective to sum up what I'm all about. Anyway, fourth
paragraph, ready to go. I saw there was an article getting some play on
social media a few days ago panicking about how Americans aren't reproducing at
a high enough rate to keep our society going the way it has been or something.
Hmm. If only there was a way to increase our population without
reproduction. That would be a God Send! Foolish me, There Is
No Way!
Anyway. I was watching MSNBC or something a few
days ago and I said that guy looks like Mike Pence. I wasn't
referring to Mike Pence. I forgot who I was referring to. It wasn't
Mike Pence, though. ANYWAY the point is, my Dad was like, "You know who
looks like Mike Pence? Robert Shaw [an old timey actor.] ...Promise me
you won't put that on the internet." He thinks if I compare the
appearance of Mike Pence to Robert Shaw on my website, that will offend Mike
Pence, because of course he will read it, and then he would unleash the full
destructive force of the government to persecute me for ever daring to make that
connection. And, inevitably, it would be traced back to my Dad, and we'd
be in a world of shit.
So, if that happens, My Dad is gonna be pissed!
But, I'm banking on it not happening, and it serving its purpose as a nice
little paragraph. Little bit of a trade off, deciding to put it up.
It's not likely I'll get in trouble with the FBI because I compared Mike
Pence's appearance to a handsome movie star-- but if it does, ooh boy I
fucked up big time. I assume he's a handsome movie star. Most
movie stars are handsome. That's why they put them in movies. How
many hands does Vishnu have? Some. I thought it was six we
covered this a few weeks ago. Yeah Well whatever. I hope the
FBI isn't Hindu, cause now they're gonna be really pissed!
I was watching a Dr. Phil a few days ago about this kid
whose addicted to video games and he's a raging asshole to his mother.
He's violent, he curses her out, he abuses her. And she doesn't know what
to do. And it made me really sad because there was a period of time in my
adolescence where I was a huge asshole to my parents. Cursing,
threats of violence, acting like I'm better than them, all that crap. Just
totally not acceptable behavior. And I went into a tailspin worrying about
it, and it was tough, because I remember this happening, but I honestly couldn't
remember if it was like over a period of three weeks or a period of six years.
I talked to my Mom about it, and we narrowed it down to maybe a couple of months
in my pre-teen years, and she said it's not her lasting memory of me or
anything. And it really wasn't that bad. And she holds no
grudges. So, kids, if you're reading-- be a massive jerk off for a few
months or a year, there's ultimately no consequences! I guess part of
it is I get a pass because I later developed mental illness so you could just
look at that as a precursor to that.
I was just angry. And my parents were the ones who
suffered. Man would having a kid who acts like that be a mistake.
The point is I'm A Pretty Good Argument For Abortion. Another good
argument-- that ain't no baby I've seen babies and you, sir, are no baby.
Anyway the point is I told my Robert Shaw=Mike Pence anecdote, which was my
Dad's Secret Shame, so I went ahead and talked about probably the most shameful
thing in my life I could think of. Now we're even! I
also remember a period of time when I was in college and I would get Popeye's
really often. Is that a secret shame? Sure feels like it.
Ninth paragraph! Wonderful. I don't get
what the appeal of iPod Shuffles were. Hey wouldn't people like
to choose the music they listen to? Nah. It would cost
nothing more to give them the option. Nah this is good enough.
I made that connection because during the period of time I ate
Popeye's a lot I also listened to my iPod a lot. Not a shuffle, though!
That's a promise. It seems like there must have been a huge shift in
music, mostly with mp3 players but starting with walk men and boom boxes, where
music transformed being something you do while sedentary to something you do
while walking around in the world. It just seems like it's an entirely
different experience, right? Wouldn't that effect the kind of music that
gets produced? My theory is Nah this is good enough. That's
the Music Industry's response to everything!
Sure why not. I credit music with getting me to stop
being such an asshole to my parents. It taught me to turn my anger
inward! And mold it into a harmless and reliable cocktail of
depression, angst, and self doubt! That way, no one suffers but me!
And, Boy, Do I! Thanks, Music! That's not really a joke.
That's what happened. Anyway, what else is going on. I had a dream
last night that I was in some sort of competition with Kanye West-- And I
Won! It was a really complicated competition. And also, even
though I won, the scene was set for him to get a leg up on me in what seemed to
be the seeds of, you guessed it, Part II of our competition.
Then I Woke Up.
Sure, why not. That's the bad part about winning
things. Sooner than you can start to celebrate, the next competition is
already starting. Hey, I wasn't gonna guess there was gonna be a Part
II of your competition. Well I Decided To Give You Credit For Guessing
It Anyway. Everybody wins. The specifics of the competition were
very vague but I could tell it was an intense high-stakes battle of wits,
resolve, character, determination, and moral fortitude. All that good
stuff. Did I mention I Won? Oh, right, I did. My
mistake. Hey it's the 11th paragraph. But, like I said, winning
really took a lot out of me. That's how he got the leg up in what was
shaping to be part II. I was exhausted at that point.
Sure, why not. I only know a few Kanye West songs
because I haven't had a new favorite band or music artist since 2008.
He was around before 2008. Yeah but I wouldn't have gotten into
him until around 2010, 2011. And by then I was already wiped out.
The real question though is do you listen to him sedentary or while walking
around? Cause I don't listen to music walking around at all anymore.
The last band I listened to a lot while walking around was Me, and I don't even
do that anymore! I got better things to do while walking around!
Like estimating how much more time I will be walking around!
Jeez. 13th paragraph. 15-20 paragraphs overall
most likely. The last few weeks I set my alarm clock to wake me up at 9:45
A.M. I have nothing to do at 9:45 A.M. I have nothing to do ever.
But I figure it's a good thing to get on a reasonable regular schedule that'll
help make me feel more like a reasonable responsible adult. I decided
to forgo commas in the last sentence. Only time will tell if that pays
off in the long term. The point is my face is as smooth as a baby's
bottom. I assume. I'd have to take the baby's word for it.
I ain't touchin' that. Also, it wasn't a fun dream.
Really draining. I think I should make that very clear. Although it
was kind of fun to win! Man, I'd like to have a Winning Competition with
Charlie Sheen. Or, as I like to think of him, the actor with the closest
name to Crazy Sheet.
Sure, why not. A good alternative to Ice Cream
Sandwiches are these No Sugar Added Fudgesicles. They'll do the trick.
Which I believe is a Circus or Magician reference. Anyway. I was up
to over 20 dollars On Poker, but I accidentally played in a 10 dollar sit n go
instead of a 1 dollar one and lost. So now I'm at $12.50. Still
pretty sustainable! Alright! Assuming I don't continue to
gamble 10x the amount of money I actually intend to. That's a pretty
big assumption! I don't know if I could stop myself there! Anyway.
Had about 1.2 units worth of Alcohol so far tonight. About 0.8 units left
to be consumed. Probably. UH-OH I ACCIDENTALLY JUST HAD 12
DRINKS.
I feel like I've probably done that in my past. I'm sure
a lot of people have, I was never a huge binge drinker, though. I probably
got there a few times. Although, to be honest, when I say a lot of
people have, it's worth noting that besides me, the last two people I was
thinking about were Kanye West and Charlie Sheen. So, yeah, I'm sure a lot
of them have binge drank in their past. Alright so this is the 15th
paragraph, feel like going over that. Maybe not all the way to 20, but,
hey, ya gotta do something, am I right? I got a cheap used blanket for
Christmas, and at first I was like, what the Hell why are you giving me this,
but now I'm like, holy shit this ratty old blanket is comfortable as fuck!
I think the best gift I ever gave someone was in seventh
grade, I was going to a girl's birthday party, and I forgot to get her a gift,
so at the last minute I thought to give her an old stuffed animal I had.
And then a week later she was like I was throwing around that stuffed animal
with my sister and the head broke off. And it was heavily implied that
she knew it was used. I think it not being wrapped and it being old was
the give away. That, and the head coming off. Anyway. What
The Hell is going on in Virginia. I thought Virginia Was For Lovers!
More like, Virginia is For Racists! Am I right? Right?
That's like the opposite of love. Right?
Probably. I'm right roughly 85% of the time.
Cool! To be fair, one of the Virginians isn't a racist. He's black!
He's only a sex assaulter. Probably. My instinct is to not want to
believe it, but my other instinct is there's a .5% chance it's not true.
No one's perfect, I guess. This guy I've never heard of before might be
a bad guy?!?! I refuse to accept it!!! It's just tough because
Man Is Virginia Fucked. I guess now it's just Ia. No
longer a virgin, got fucked. Are you still a virgin if you're the victim
of rape? Let's get some scientists working on that one. I
think the common answer would be no, that's part of what contributes to the
shame of young victims. Well, Great. That's Funny.
Great Stuff! I Can't Stop Laughing.
18th paragraph. I guess 20 is the way to go
tonight. Awesome! I have conflicted feelings about smoking a
cigarette and chewing gum at the same time. On the one hand, sometimes you
wanna chew gum, and you wanna smoke a cigarette, so why not, just go for it.
You can handle doing both. But, on the other hand, you gotta imagine one
would cancel the enjoyment factor of the other one out. Smoking a
cigarette, you don't enjoy that minty flavor from the gum that is the best part
about chewing gum. And, chewing gum, you're gonna be too focused on
chewing to actually enjoy the cigarette. The whole time, you'll be
thinking, man, I'm putting so much effort mashing my teeth together again and
again, can't just let go and enjoy the smoke.
True Story. Penultimate paragraph.
Figure I'll take a shower when this is done. Maybe eat a Pop Tart later.
I don't know, we'll see! I know that people who deal with mental illness
are much more likely to smoke-- partly from experience, I only started smoking
soon after my illness developed. I think the consensus is that people
smoke to deal with the stress and anxiety of their mental illness. I think
it might just be another mental illness. The compulsion to
kill yourself a little bit each day is a mental illness in and of itself.
That's why mentally ill people are more likely to smoke. Because if you're
smoking, that's kind of a fucking mental illness! Also because it's
addictive. Yeah but why'd you start in the first place? Only a
crazy person would do that.
Check. And. Mate. King Me. I
haven't played checkers in a long time. I'm talking like,
since I was seven years old. I wonder, if I was suddenly thrust into a
game of checkers, if I could adapt and figure out the basic strategies
immediately. They're always saying stuff like, Pelosi is playing five
dimensional chess and Trump is playing checkers! Well, if Pelosi
hasn't played checkers in seventy years, maybe Trump still has the upper hand by
playing checkers. Cause Trump has been playing checkers all his life!
Trump's life is nothing but checkers! Pelosi is so used to chess, now that
she's playing checkers, that's Trumps wheelhouse! It's anyone's ball game!
I'll see ya later.
-9:49 P.M.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
The Title... It's Titling!
Well, I suppose it is. Hey!
Saturday Night Entry, got myself a 25 oz can of beer, I'm ready to go. I
was just thinking about a thing that made alcohol attractive to me as a kid,
other than Rock Music. Mike's Hard Lemonade. It had my name in it!
You've got my attention! I remember thinking, I wanna try that,
don't even care about the alcohol content, just looks good. It's got me in
the name, it's got Lemonade in the name-- but it's hard. Hard like me.
That's also why I always wore Nike shoes. Close enough!
Anyway what's going on in the wide world of bullshit. It's a new month,
how about that bullshit.
I saw there was a news report a couple of weeks or months
ago, about how Trump told people he didn't hire certain people for jobs in his
administration because they weren't tall enough. And my first instinct was
to go Oh, That's Our Trump! and move on. But the more I think about
it, the more I realize that should be a fucking controversy! What if he
had said I didn't hire that guy because he's black or I didn't hire
that lady because she's female. I don't trust black people or women
to be competent or project the kind of image I want. Now, to be fair,
I'm not saying Being Short is comparable to the amount of social, political, and
professional discrimination minorities, females, and LGBTQ people face on the
whole. But in this one circumstance-- Yeah It Kind Of Is Comparable.
I would guess if you do a study [and by all means, do the study!], you'd
find Shorter People make less compared to taller (white male) people, get passed
over for promotions more often, etc. Where's our leader to fight for
our rights. I'll Be The Leader! Pick Me!
Actually pick someone else. I don't want people to
look at me. I'm hideous! Short people got no reason to live.
I'm not sure if that song is meant to be sarcastic or not. I always
kind of gave it the benefit of the doubt that it was, and imagined that Randy
Newman himself was short. So it was a nice little parodyish self
deprecation song. The dude's six feet tall! He's just being a jerk!
Oh well, such is life. C'mon man, grow up. I CAN'T!!! THAT'S
THE POINT. Anyway what else is going on. Oh right I have beer.
I think I'll drink some.
The beer was $1.25, and I was about to give the cashier two
single dollar bills, expecting change, and he was like alright just one is
enough. And I was like well, if you don't want two bills, I have a
quarter too. And he stopped me and was like That's okay.
Didn't know what to make of that situation. I felt like I was getting away
with something, and I wasn't in the mood to take advantage of anyone. Even
Keyfood. I accepted only giving him a dollar, but I was pissed off.
Great, now I owe the universe a quarter. What bullshit. Speaking
of dollars, someone had carved that symbol of the eye in a triangle that's on
the dollar bill into wet cement sometime years ago somewhere along my walk.
And I walk by (over) it twice a day. Always bothered me. Isn't it
like Urban Legendish that that the Founding Fathers Secret Society put that in
there for some nefarious reason?
Maybe so they can always watch us, or something. That's
a comment on where we're at as a society. Fifty years ago, Man, They're
Somehow Psychically Keeping An Eye On Us Through Money! OH SHIT
BURN ALL THE MONEY. And now it's like, The Government And
Private Corporations REALLY ARE, UNEQUIVOCALLY, Spying On Us 24/7 On Our
Phones And On The Internet. Oh Well What Can Ya Do. Stop
using our phones and the internet? But then What Is Even Life?
Anyway the point is The Sidewalk is always watching me. Oh well what
are ya gonna do. Walk a different route? But then The Founding
Fathers Win. I know America isn't perfect, and I know this is pretty
counter-counter-culture of me, but man the founding fathers were pretty
smart. The Constitution, c'mon, pretty great. Totally
contradictory to some of the stuff we've done/are doing (Slavery, Etc.) but most
of it is pretty spot on!
Now, getting back to being just regular counter-culture,
that's a pretty good slogan for America-- "Slavery, Etc." I mean,
we pretty much Own slavery. Us and the rest of The Americas.
They didn't have slaves in Europe. That's all us! So there's good
and bad, is the point. The good is great. The bad is as bad as it
gets. What a country. Sixth paragraph. How about that shit.
Figure 15 paragraphs is a nice thing to aim for today. I think this
Northam guy should definitely resign. At first I was like Well I Don't
Know. Then I was like Well If I Was Black I'd Definitely Want Him
Gone. Then I was like Well What Does That Say About Me If I
Don't Want Him To Resign. Then I was like You Make A Good Point
I Feel Like I Learned Something Today. Then I was like It's A
Pleasure To Come Out Of A Tough Situation Better For It. Then I was
like Let's Celebrate This Dialogue With An Ice Cream Sandwich.
I loved his defense today, though. That
wasn't me in blackface! I swear! There was this other time I was in
blackface, but... Hilarious. I just think we should hold our
elected officials to higher standards. Call me crazy. And if he
resigns, it's still a Democrat who takes his place. So why not.
If you make racists and race-insentives face consequences, then all the racists
are gonna have no incentive to run for public office in the first place!
Oh No What Will We Do Then?!?! I mean, I do think there is a line
somewhere, that either you cross it or you don't. I think this crossed
that line. That's basically what it boils down to. At the very
least, it's a huge sign of poor judgment. And also probably dishonesty.
How did that picture get there?!?! Who in the Yearbook Committee pulled
that prank on me??! It's a Yearbook Page. The whole point of it
is this is how you want to be remembered/how you want to remember yourself.
What else is going on. Then again, the more time
passes, the more thankful I am that my High School Yearbook printed my portrait
without the quote I submitted, "Wouldn't it suck if someone you loved gave
you AIDS? On purpose?" Just not 100% spot on. I could have
done better. Something more profound. Could be silly and even
borderline offensive, but something more appropriate. It's kind of
appropriate, quotes are like giving, "Aid," to people, in terms of them often
being motivational or inspirational. I'm making a comment on these other
quotes I'm surrounded by... giving aid to the reader... in terms of being
motivational or inspirational... shut up! So, yeah, there are lines.
Northam crossed it. I Didn't! I Win Again!
Cool. The thing that pissed me off is that they
never gave me a chance to write a new quote. They just have me in the
yearbook, surrounded by people saying stuff, and I'm just blank.
Actually that sounds a lot like my high school experience. Now that
I think about it. So that worked out, I guess. Ninth paragraph.
Different kind of entry today. Variety is the spice of life! I have
too much Poker Money. I won a Freeroll a week ago for $2.50. Now I'm
up to $8.50. That's unfortunately pretty sustainable if you play right at
$.01/.02 stakes. Until the moment I go on tilt and lose it all and feel
bad about my lack of control. So I get a lot of hours of Having Something
To Do, but, c'mon, we all know how this ends.
AIM Frowny Face Emoji. Wouldn't it suck is someone
you love gave you AIMS? On Purpose? That was my Guidance
Counselor's quote in the yearbook. I don't know. 10th paragraph.
Whatta snooze. I started getting Breakfast Dinners From Diners For
Breakfast. Great sentence. Instead of getting French toast
and meats and making it two dinners, I get a Real Dinner, also get French
toast and meats, and make that three breakfasts! It's a real great Life
Hack that I'm sharing with you because that's just the kind of guy I am.
Some people cook their own breakfast. What kind of Life Hack is that?
Doing something yourself? You're no good at Life Hacks, buddy.
You need a Life Hack to figure out how to Life Hack better.
Life As A Hack: The Michael Kornblum Story.
That's the title of the Lifetime Movie about my time writing Crazysheet.
Frowny Face. 67% to 15 paragraphs! Wonderful. Slaves had
to hack cotton. Or something. I don't have all the details.
Life Hack For Slaves: ...Umm, I Don't Know. This Is A Tough one.
Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is get together and revolt.
Easier said than done, though. Actually, easier done than said.
Once you say it out loud, someone's gonna rat on you and you're gonna be
tortured and then dead. Hence it being hard to do in the first place.
I don't know, I guess the best life hack is Wait A While? And I Do Mean
A While. There's a line-- does that cross it? I don't think
so! But, if it does, and I'm Governor in 30 years, and Future People are
reading this, Fine I'll step down. This is my promise to you.
Just promise to pay me 5 figure cash for speaking deals and whatnot to make sure
I can continue to profit from my ill gotten position.
So Future Me has got that going for me. I may not
be governor anymore, but I'll make ends meet, don't worry about me. Future
Me. Ex Governor Future Me. Huh? I don't know, it almost
makes sense. Superbowl is tomorrow. I'm rooting for the team whose
brand is least offensive to my sensibilities. That'd be Los Angeles.
12th paragraph. Finished my Iced Coffee that I've been nursing since Early
Today. About halfway done with beer. All in all, I've portioned out
my supplies pretty well. The Northam stuff just makes me think about how
we should approach the Democratic Nominees for president. If we're holding
Northam responsible for his past, why not these people? Kamala Harris.
Why did she become a prosecutor and be tough on criminals instead of
using a law degree to be for people? Why should we get
behind Tulsi Gabbard when she has an insanely bad record on Gay Marriage and
LGBTQ issues? Beto O' Rourke for having a conservative voting record and
being anti-certain unions? Cory Booker for being pro-wall street? If
we're making an already elected person resign for something (which, by the way,
has little to do with policy), why should we choose to support someone
with questionable pasts, ones that are definitely predictive of their past,
current, and future priorities and values, in the first place?
In what universe is being a successful and scandal-free
[As far as I know] attorney general like having a photo taken
of you in black face. In this universe. It just shows what
side you're on. Is it as bad? No, of course not. But it's
relevant, is the point. So why should we ignore it? We shouldn't!
Also, Kamala Harris' Campaign somehow got my e-mail and was e-mailing me like I
was their supporter. I assume from the DNC or something. What
bullshit. That's why I have a grudge against her! For being so
presumptuous to get my e-mail without my knowledge or permission and try to
proselytize herself as a person of the people. I'm a people. You
stole my e-mail address. Nice way to introduce yourself. If you
need to play dirty tricks, not impressed! I wasn't getting e-mail from any
other candidate. Just you.
In what universe are we. I don't know.
One of the main ones. 14th paragraph. That's a universe. How
about that. Sure is a different kind of entry today. What are ya
gonna do. I guess this is probably the penultimate paragraph.
Guess I'll take a shower when this is over. Chew some gum in the shower.
That's my new thing. I love chewing gum in the shower. I don't know
why. Man I'd like to chew some gum right now. No,
gotta wait! The anticipation makes the gum so much sweeter! I don't
know. What do I got coming up in the days ahead. Not much. Saw
my psychiatrist yesterday. That won't happen again for four weeks.
Got my therapist in three weeks. Internist in a few weeks. The
Internist is the sequel to that movie. You know the one I'm talking about.
I'm gonna guess either The Intern or The Internship. You got it!
Last paragraph. I was watching a montage of Robert
Mueller speaking in the past and it was really weird. Sort of broke the
illusion that he's this omniscient mystical being that will be the ultimate
judge on Trump & Russia. Oh he's just some guy who works for the
FBI. I see. Anyway, time to wrap things up. There used to
be a baseball player named Bill Mueller. Third baseman. Is that
relevant at all to this discussion? For the State Of The Union, I'm gonna
do what I always do when Trump speaks-- not watch it. I got better ways to
spend my time than watch this walking piece of excrement lie and fear monger.
Anyway, wonderful. I'll see ya later.
-9:51 P.M.
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