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Monday, March 3, 2014                      

Words Words Words

    Hello friends.  I'm back with another entry.  Probably, I haven't written it yet.  Will it exist?  Stay tuned to find out!  I wrote my first paper in years.  It is most likely in the D+ range.  Which is fine, D+ is passing.  Also, if I say it's fine now, I won't feel bad when I get the grade.  Preparing myself for failure is but one valuable skill I'm learning from this class.  So, we're into March now.  Finally.  So, I'm writing this entry because I don't know what else to do.  I guess that's always the case, but especially now.  Hey, you wanna hear something weird?  I need a haircut.  I guess it's not that weird.  It sounded weird in my head.  Not really.  I'm just a liar.  Did you guys know Staples sells more than just staples?  Also, staples is a homonym.  Also, everyone agrees this entry is terrible.  You ain't special.  I'm frowning right now, because this entry sucks.  See what you did, fingers?  You made my mouth area turn upside down.  I hope you're happy.  They're probably not happy.  Fingers can't feel emotions.  Not yet, at least.  So, spring training is in full swing.  Get it?  Get it?  You better get it.  Because if you don't, I don't have the time to explain it to you.  I'm a busy man.  That joke was a real fast ball.
    Did you know in pre-modern times, pitchers had a pitch called a, "Slow ball?"  Sounds crazy, but it's true.  I learned it from a Twilight Zone episode.  I learn most of my knowledge from T.V.  That's also how I learned that Dunston Checks In.  I better get a D+.  He might even fail me.  I just want to pass the class, that's it.  I could give a fig about my GPA, I just want the credits.  Isn't it weird that if you're taking a class, passing is good, but if you're interviewing for a job, if they pass on you, it's bad?  Explain it to me now.  I don't understand!  I think writing this website actually trains me to be stupid.  Oh well.  Cosmically, that's pretty funny, so I'll take it!  Maybe I should see a movie today.  I heard, "Non-Stop" is pretty good.  I'm a little concerned about it not stopping, though.  I have a class tomorrow, I can't see a movie for an indefinite amount of time.  I don't think I would like Non-Stop.  Too much excitement.  I think something along the lines of The Joy Luck Club is more up my alley.  I believe the tagline for that movie was, "Check It Out!  It's Chinese People!"  I never saw the movie.  I read the book.  Doesn't that count for something?  Hmm, it seems I e-mailed the paper I wrote to myself.  Hopefully the professor also got it.  Otherwise, fuck me!
    He probably got it.  And if he didn't, I only lose one letter grade a day for each day it's late.  So, if he gets it tomorrow, I'll get an F+.  Not too shabby!  I think I've failed three classes in my lifetime.  Chemistry and Physics in high school, and a woman's studies class in college.  That's three more than most people I know.  Also, the number three is more than the most people I know.  The last class I clearly remember taking in NYU was a history of Ireland class, which I never finished.  The main thing I remember, besides taking immaculate notes (not sarcastic on that one), was that each day, on the attendance sheet, there would be a question like, "What's your favorite color?" or "What's your favorite song?"  I remember a cute girl in the class wrote her favorite song was Paint It Black (I sat in the back and was one of the last people to sign it).  Later I learned that the questions were being written by the student starting the attendance sheet, and weren't followed at all by the teacher.  I felt like such a rube.  Here I was, divulging personal information, and it was all for naught.  I think I dropped out of the class before even one test or paper.  I said that my favorite song was, "Dirty Old Town," as preformed by Ted Leo.  What a snapshot of me at the time.  What, a snapshot of me at the time?  Yup.  Moron.
    Anyway.  I need a new hobby.  Or, focus on my schoolwork.  Lol.  So yeah, I need a new hobby.  I wonder how they came up with the term, "Lol."  I mean, "Laugh out loud," to me, isn't the obvious choice of words I would use if I had to convey I'm laughing at something.  I would probably say, "IAGL," for, "I am genuinely laughing."  Or, maybe just stick with, "Ha-ha."  Doesn't, "ha-ha" cover it?  I'd say so.  I haven't seen anyone use the term, "ROFL" in a while.  I guess people are just upping their standards.  Or, I'm not communicating with enough people online.  I don't like the ASL thing.  I don't care what your age or location is!  Just let me know if you're the right gender for sending my dick pics to.  That's all I need.  Eh.  I gotta finish this entry.  I think I'll have pizza for dinner.  You can't stop me.  Sure, it's carbohydrates, but I deserve it.  I wrote that F+ paper yesterday.  I would feel bad for anyone who gets an F-.  Seems kind of egregious.  In conclusion, enjoy another segment of Gang of Nine.
    No one knows why they got together.  No one knows how they got together.  But they are... "The Gang Of Nine."

-2:20 P.M.              


Tuesday, March 4, 2014                      

Enjoy Yerself

    Hi, it's me!  How supremely disappointing.  My back is starting to hurt from carrying around a backpack.  The only thing in it is one small book and a spiral notebook.  My back can't take it!  Maybe I should see a chiropractorist.  I don't have that kind of scratch, though.  It definitely ain't covered by my GHI.  You scratch your back, I'll scratch mine.  Wait, that's not how the saying goes.  Then we'd have a whole population just scratching their own back, that won't get us anywhere.  I was walking home from class, and a high school kid asked for a cigarette, and when I pulled out my very ordinary camel cigarettes, he went, "Woah! Old School!"  And I instinctively said, "Enjoy it, buddy."  Curtis Granderson with the two homerun game today!  If only the Mets had a leadoff hitter, they would actually have a respectable lineup.  I know you may have to overpay for him a bit, but signing Stephen Drew catapults the Mets from a 1% chance at the playoffs to a 15-20% chance.  It changes the lineup from mediocre mediocre to adequate mediocre.  And yes, I am using my bully pulpit as a writer of a website viewed by 3's of people a week to pressure the Mets into action.  Get it done!  I found an old pair of eyeglasses today.  That's what I call, "Getting It Done!"  Now I can go, "Hmm, should I wear this pair, or this other pair?"  Like royalty, I am!  I also have a large reserves of old contact lenses.  They're probably past their expiration date, but I'll still wear 'em.  I ain't particular with what I'll dress my eyes with. 
    Today is Army Day.  March forth.  Oh man, it gets me every time.  I was feeling pretty depressed yesterday.  I gotta learn just to take stock in what I have, and not to worry too much.  Life, in general, is pretty depressing, but you gotta learn to just suppress those thoughts.  That's how I feel.  You're not doing anyone a service by focusing on the negatives.  It's a whole wide world of chicken fingers and chiropractorists.  Hmm, maybe I should get chicken fingers for dinner.  Alright, that's done.  Ordered the chicken fingers.  Now, let's get to the matter at hand, "Why All The Hate Towards Puritan People?"  Sure, they're idiots, sure, they're anachronistic, but really, folks?  C'mon.  Pick on someone your own size.  Why did I order chicken fingers.  I have pizza.  What a maroon.  Oh yeah, chicken fingers are chicken fingers.  I forgot about that.  Anyway.  I don't think I've had a class so far where I haven't had to go to the bathroom two thirds in.  My bladder is weak and unpredictable.  I blame drugs.  I'm outta alcohol.  And with me not having an I.D., that limits the places I could get alcohol to the liquor stores that know me.  No more beer at the supermarket.  We all have to make sacrifices.  It just turns out that most of my sacrifices are alcohol based. 
    This is the third paragraph.  I swear it's true.  I think I'm gonna make an effort to watch less T.V.  Sure, I watched Grandma's Boy yesterday, but that's because I love to laugh.  I don't need to be kept abreast in the changing climates of entertainment news talk shows and so on and so forth.  I need some me time.  And by me time, I mean, thinking, "That last thing you just did was good.  Good for you.  The next thing you do will be pretty good, too.  Keep on truckin'!"  That's pretty much my inner monologue at any given moment.  I was thinking earlier, abut whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert.  The obvious answer is introvert, but there's also a side of me that craves attention, so I don't know.  I guess I'm just a vertebrae.  Chiropractorist, I need your help!  I don't like how chiropractors don't get the respect they deserve, because they're not technically doctors.  How much do you know about the human back and spine?  Nothing?  I rest my case!  Judge, please have the witness detained, and the last remark stricken from the record.  I used to have a doctor named Lau (pronounced, "Law") when I was in the hospital.  That sure is something.  Being in the hospital is fun.  They feed you four times a day and you can't kill yourself.  Talk about a dream vacation!
    Anyway.  Those chicken fingers should be arriving pretty soon.  It would be nice if the entry was done before then.  In accordance with trying to finish the entry, I'm going to type quickly.  Meep morp moot.  Changalangalang.  Freeze Burton!  Fencing the team isn't as much fun without Holden.  Dr. Ink is always falling asleep.  Ugh.  Gotta finish this paragraph in style.  Who cares if it's over the limit.  I can always eat chicken fingers, and then write a few sentences.  No!  I don't want to!  Oh, I can just end it now.  Hmm.  See ya!  That's what they all say.  They all say, "See ya!"


-5:58 P.M.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014                      

Geesus That Hurt.  What a Maroon.

    I really gotta stop writing every other day.  I've been out of things to say for months.  Having this in my schedule makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, though.  The truth is, if I go a week without writing an entry, that would be the real accomplishment.  People are starting to forget how dumb I am! is what I would think after such an experiment.  Anyway, another day, another dollar.  If you're only earning a dollar a day, I feel bad for you, son.  I remember I once wrote the lyric in high school, "I've got 99 problems/and a bitch is all of them."  Not too shabby.  So, what do I have coming up on my schedule.  It's good to have something to look forward to.  I have no such thing.  Oh well, life is like a rollercoaster; I'm too short to ride.  Standing over the bridge of the log flume is excitement enough for me.  We get a nice splash every three minutes.  It would be funny if an actor used his photo from the slide of the log flume as his head shot.  Would it be?  Upon further reflection, no, but hey, you can't blame a guy for trying.  I like how all log flume carts are designed to look like logs.  Does that really add to the experience at all?  "Sure, the ups and downs were great, but what was really wonderful was that I really felt like I was in a log.I don't get it.  When I was a kid, I used to go to Adventure Land all the time, and they have this haunted house ride, where outside of it, they have a giant mechanical tree which would say spooky things.  Oh, how we loved the tree.  "Michael, it's time to leave."  "I want to see the tree again, daddy!  Oh please, can we see the tree?"  Because I talked like a child out of a C.S. Lewis book.  Why wouldn't I?
    Another day, another doll hair.  Why do I feel so locked up when I'm writing this.  I have carte blanche to say whatever the Heck I want.  The possibilities are endless!  I'm not confined to the redundant formula I've grown accustomed to.  Uh.  Uh.  What's the deal with biting your nails?  I do that.  Uh.  Anyone like cigarettes?  I saw a huge empty plastic bag on the ground during my walk, which I can only assume was used to hold a gallon of weed.  When I was using, we would call weed, "Herb," or, "Bud."  I forget which one.  We smoked it to feel it's effects.  I remember when my roommates found out I smoked, freshman year, finally it was something we could do together.  So we said goodbye to the 9 months we barely talked, and say hello to the three weeks of blazin' up.  I remember, me and one of my roommates were on opposite sides of the room, and we each had our own T.V.s facing ourselves.  And we would watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report at the same time, so I would be hearing the sound coming out of two T.V.s.  How 'bout that.  Do colleges have DVRs now?  That would have been sweet.  This is stupid.  Oh well, if I wanted to be smart, I would done something else or somethin'.  I don't know.  I'm gonna start the process of replacing my I.D. tomorrow.  It expired at the end of the year, anyway, so, whatever.  We all have to do things in life.  I believe that was in the bible.  Do things, when you have to.  Something like that.
    I can't believe I wasted my drunkenness on this.  And backdate that for six months.  There's nothing better to do, though, anyway.  One day, I'll get drunk with other people again.  Probably.  In this log flume of life, no one knows when we're gonna get wet.  I can't believe I got cheated out of seeing a movie this week.  What, do you think my alcohol money grows on trees?  I mean, in all seriousness, Non-Stop would probably have been decent, but my fragile mind can't take such excitement and suspense.  And Pompeii and 300?  That's just stupid.  Stupid like me.  I'm enough stupid for my consciousness, I don't need external stupidity.  I should just sleep instead of writing these entries.  Just sleep 18 hours a day.  Sleep is always fun.  Except for when it's not.  Oh, how I hate those times.  Cause bad things could happen in your dreams, but when you wake up, you're like, "That wasn't real!  Ha-ha!  Shows what you know, universe!" 
    Anyway.  I found a lot of change while looking for my I.D.  Holla back.  I don't know.  I gotta stop drinking.  Stop drinking and stop writing entries.  Then I'll be on the path to enlightenment.  Enjoy another entry of Gang of Nine.
    No one knows why they got together.  No one knows how they got together.  But they are... "The Gang Of Nine."




Monday, March 10, 2014                      

Asbestos Ginter, Yes, Indeed

    Hi!  It's me, Michael.  Remember, from before?  I got a great night's sleep last night.  I'm getting a good day's awake today, so far.  Lucky me!  Fuck you!  And I mean that in the sense of, "I love you."  No reason I can't mean that.  I don't think it's fair that, "A" is the only letter that gets to, "@."  Doesn't seem right.  I bet all the letters talk shit about, "I" behind it's back.  "That letter sucks!"  Letters think what they want to think.  Nobody can stop them.  I think we can all agree, "I" is the worst letter.  Certainly the worst vowel.  God damn, I feel good today.  Just really relaxed.  For me, at least.  Probably due to positive dreaming.  I think numbers should get the, "@" treatment.  Spread the love around.  Man, I hope writing this entry doesn't jinx my good day.  Whatever.  Scientific studies have shown that, "jinxing," isn't a thing.  I like how guys can be, "Studs."  I think that comes from, "Studebaker."  Could be wrong on that one.  Probably not, though.  Maybe.  My hands make words.  Isn't that weird?  Maybe.  What was I saying?  Oh yeah, dream good dreams.  Your next day depends on it!
   Anyway.  What to do for the rest of the week.  Make it count.  I can count pretty high.  Don't mean to brag.  What to do with the rest of my life.  Who cares if it counts.  It's my life to live.  If I don't want it to count, that's my personal decision.  Al Roker lost a lot of weight.  It doesn't look healthy.  It probably is, though.  Still having a good day.  Gotta make it count!  I don't get Al Roker.  "Maybe if I tell people I shit my pants, it will help my career!"  To be fair, that probably wasn't his motivation in telling people.  But now, whenever I see him, I just think, "Shit in pants."  Not necessarily a good thing.  I think I once shit my pants in a supermarket, when I was about eight.  Maybe that's why he went public.  To raise awareness for pants-shitting.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Now people can shit their pants whenever they want, and if someone makes a thing of it, it'll be pants-shitting discrimination.  "I wanna shit my pants, and I want to shit them now!"  I don't know who's saying that.
  Anyway.  This paragraph'll be good.  I can feel it.  it's Spring in a week and a half.  Woah.  I like it.  Spring is one of the best seasons.  Fall is best, we all know that.  Winter is probably worst.  Spring might be second best, I don't know.  And even winter has a lot going for it.  Well, let's not get carried away.  It has some stuff going for it.  So, what to do with the rest of my day.  Do stuff and stuff.  Ok.  Hopefully another good night's sleep.  Get a couple of those in a row, and I'll really be in good shape.  Like Al Roker.  You know what's a good shape?  Rectangle.  And we all know I have a soft spot for parallelograms.  Who doesn't, am I right?  Eh.  What's the deal with triangles.  Don't they know nobody likes them?  Go home, triangles!  We don't want you here!  Go away!  Now!  Get out of here!  Leave!  Anyway.  This entry is the pits.  Oh well.  At least it fits in.  Bleh.  Good energy.  Positive vibes.  My therapist told me I should put my music on youtube, because that's how Justin Bieber got his start.  I told her to go fuck herself.
    So, what's the deal.  Pizza for dinner tonight.  Alright!  I heard that pizza is the best food ever.  I told it to myself, so it must be true.  Anyway.  Good day today!  it's awesome, cause I've been doing okay lately, but today, I'm really like, "Oh yeah, so this is what a good day feels like."  Good stuff.  Anyway, enjoy another episode of Gang of Nine.
    No one knows why they got together.  No one knows how they got together.  But they are... "The Gang Of Nine."

-3:12 P.M.