Saturday, March 31, 2018
It's Gonna Be Good
For sure. Well, figuratively speaking. It's not really
guaranteed. That's my official position. Anyway, jeez.
Last entry was a Clunker. I've got a while 'nother week under my belt now,
though. Of Life Experience. Which is good for writing stuff, right?
I'm a whole different man than last week. Anyway, jeez. Let's knock
out some of the mediocre stuff I have saved up. Ok, let's go.
Two ideas for New Fetishes. 1-- Guy who walks around the city
looking for people walking their dog, watching the dogs go to the bathroom all
day. That's one. 2-- Getting tucked in by your sex partner.
That's two. Usually you want to have three things when making
jokes. I don't care.
Here's another 2 things. Also sex related.
Pertaining to my sexual understandings when I was a young man. When I was
a kid, the way I understood sex was that the guy would just put his boner into
the vagina and after a couple of minutes, ejaculate. No movement involved.
Just stick it in there, wait it out, and that's what happens. Prove me
wrong! 2-- I knew people used tissues when masturbating, but the way I
did it for the first few months, per my understanding, was fold up a piece of
tissue and have that as a barrier between my hand and my thing. You
know, to soften things up? I thought that's what people did! So,
that's two things of two things.
Saw Ready Player One a few days ago. I was using the
bathroom, the stall, and I wasn't thinking real hard afterwards, and I went to
the urinal to wash my hands. I realized at some point my mistake.
Anyway. Here's another thought I had. I want to start a 'smart
dinosaur' conspiracy theory. The asteroid thing is just a sham-- they had
a society and everything and blew themselves up. Seems like something
people would want to believe. I kinda like it. What else.
Third paragraph already! I'd rather write 10 decent paragraphs than 10
decent paragraphs and 5 paragraphs of Crap. Let's see if I could make 10
That Movie Which What I Saw was good! I had a lot of
fun watching and listening to it. The point is Great Now What Else Is
Going On. Mets are doin' good. Real Good! I wanted to see the
MLB record for a player's errors in a season, but the list was all people from
the 1880's. A bunch of people with 120 errors in a season. Which
equates to more than 1 error a game. You're lucky if you even get to
handle more than 1 plays a game-- how do you manage to commit more than 100%
errors?! Commentary. What else is going on. I guess you
just rush over to another position and bungle it up. Anyway. Is
there a stipulation for errors where it's possible the fielder is committing an
error on purpose? THen it's not really an error. They meant to
do it. But, statistics-wise, same sort of thing. I don't know.
I don't have all the answers.
Fifth paragraph. I don't even have 30% of the answers.
I got 15, 20% of the answers, tops. I started an exercise regimen
yesterday. Quit it today. Just wasn't seeing the results I had
hoped for. If I'm not seeing results, why bother doing it in the first
place?! I don't know. The Mets are on pace to be 2-0 to start the
season, but the Nationals are on pace for 2-0, too. Why even bother,
you're still tied. Might as well have just gone 0-2 and have the Nationals
go 0-2 also. The Mets going 2-0 and The Mets going 0-2 is exactly the
same thing, is the point. I'm good with analytics. What else.
I like Mickey Callaway's name. Call Away. It's a challenge to
other managers. To make the equivalent of a "Call" in poker in terms of
managing his team. Go ahead, call away, see where that gets you.
Exudes a lot of confidence, and I like that.
Halfway through entry? Let's Hope So! Maybe it's
a reference towards the 'call to the bullpen.' I don't know if they use
real phones. I think they used to, back in the era where people's vision
couldn't see that far. Now they probably text. Kids Today, Am
I Right?! What Emoji is appropriate for telling someone to come into the
game. Let's figure this one out. Anyway, jeez. I can even
finish after this paragraph! Start a new era of Crazysheet.
Efficient. Concise. Takes Less Long To Read. I like this, this
feels right. I'll see ya later.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Hey Huh Wha?
Today is Saturday. Afternoon. At least this part of the day.
What's the definition of Evening. 5 PM to 8 PM? That's my best
guess. Let's get some scientists working on that one. Kids are
holding a rally for some reason. My guess is something to do with gun
control. That's the impression I got. I don't know. And
I'm here writing an entry for some reason. Something to do with Down
With Homework. That's my Thesis Statement. I like watching Kids
Do Politics. They actually think they can make a difference, bless their
little hearts. And maybe they can. Positive Actualization.
Is a phrase I heard somewhere.
What else is going on. Got nothin' saved up since
last entry. This is all of the top of my dome! Anyway, jeez.
Saturday. I can dig it. I'm running dangerously low on Newports.
Have half a pack left, and it'll be a while since I can get a whole carton.
Can get a pack on Monday. Jeez my life is in the pits. What
else. Got a new bottle of alcohol yesterday. Gotta do something.
This entry really needs a pick-me-up. Let's see, what's some joke-em-upz.
I've been washing my hands regularly lately, cause of the androgel. Can't
have that gettin' all over my body and causing Testosterone Tumors or something.
So that's what I got goin' on. I didn't like the last Child's Play Movie.
I mean, I did. But it ends with Chucky winning and coming out on top.
Every other movie he dies temporarily or something. This time, it's a
cliff hanger, and he seems unstoppable in the very near future. Too
Anyway, what the what. I just figured out a pretty
big plot hole in Child's Play. How can someone put their soul in a
doll. Just thought of that one. Anyway, what the what.
Watched Jurassic Park II through III last night. Jurassic Park III had
audio commetary by the special effects teams. CGI, Animatronics, you name
it. Nerds. One of em tried making a joke at the beginning
like, It was tough getting these animatronics actors to interact with the
real dinosaurs. And some other guy got worried that would confuse
people and gave him nothin', and sort of corrected him. So the point is--
Special Effects guys have a sense of humor, but execute it poorly. And
other Special Effects guys have little faith in audiences understanding humor--
but perhaps appropriately, because the humor wasn't delivered in the best
So I got that going on for me. I think it's weird
how people who work on mediocre movies delude themselves into thinking it's the
best thing since Sliced Bread: The Movie. Oh man the actors were out of
this world, the director brought the whole thing together. And there's
a moment where the Dinosaur crashes through the fence and they're like that's
the best moment in the history of film. And there's another moment
where a dinosaur runs across the screen in the background and they're like
that split second is the high point of my career. The point is I
feel sorry for people who have reached a just adequate amount of success in the
Cool! Is March For Our Lives a reference to the
month? That's my hunch. What paragraph we at. Fifth.
Cool. Anyway, what the what. And there were some scenes where the
CGI guys and the Animatronic Guys were arguing over who was responsible for what
was going on in the scene. Classic. What the what, what's
going on. I could probably watch Jurassic World on TV tonight. I
figure that's gotta be on HBO or somethin'. Cool! Jeff
Goldblum's character changes a lot from Jurassic Park I to Jurassic Park II.
I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and consider that Jurassic Park I was a
life changing experience and thus had noticeable effects on his personality and
Sixth paragraph. There was a period in my life where I
was like, Dinosaurs, not that scary. I mean, we're human. We can
easily handle dinosaurs attacking. But, now, I don't know. They
give Velociraptor a lot of intelligence in this movie, under the right
circumstances, they could pose a threat. Especially in some
post-apocalyptic world where society breaks down, but there's a fair amount of
velociraptor. In that scenario, I'm gonna give them the benefit of the
doubt, to be honest. I remember as a kid, I had a toy Dilphosaurus (not a
real dinosaur-- the one what fucks with Newman) and my brother had a toy
Velociraptor. Boy was I jealous. I just googled it-- turns
out it's a real dinosaur, but it's skills were fictionalized.
Seventh paragraph. It turns out I'm really banking
on Ready Player One being heavily involved with Jurassic Park. Anyway.
Is the sequel gonna be called Ready Player Two? Or maybe Still
Be Ready Player One-- 'Nother Movie. I don't know. The Oasis.
Which I'm pretty sure is a reference to the band Oasis. And the concept
of the word-term Oasis. Those are my best guesses. I don't know.
I figure this entry is crap, but still, it exists. No one can take that
away from it. What else is going on. When they're making movies, do
they realize plot holes, and just go, Eh, fuck it. They gotta,
right? Anyway. Schteven Shpielberg. That's my takeaway
from the last several weeks.
Eighth paragraph! Awesome. E-mailed Queens
College to see if I can take a Grad Creative Writing Class to see if I like it,
without being admitted. 98% sure they won't let me, felt a little foolish
asking. But figured it couldn't hurt. Except my pride. Now
they think I have great expectations that aren't warranted. Cool!
Gonna try to see Ready Player One Wednesday Night at the Good Theater. You
know, for Experience? Anyway, I don't know. It's been a while since
I got Whiskey instead of Vodka. Vodka is just cheaper. Oh well, live
and learn. I have a Flask. I got it a few months ago. From my
Brother. It has his name on it. He got it as a party favor from a
wedding. Now it's mine! That'll show 'em.
Ninth paragraph. What the what! Open Mic on
Monday. Movie on Wednesday. Dentist at some point. Wish I
still had those extra layers of teeth. I musta had 40, 50 teeth
overall. Think of all the chewing! Anyway. Had a dream a few
nights ago I had lost a lot of weight. Dreams Come True All The Time,
right? That's my guess. Baseball starts next week. Think of
all those baseballs! They must use 2, 3 dozen baseballs a game. I
can hardly contain my excitement! Good news for the baseball makers is
good news for America. Baseball makers are the heart and soul of this
country. I think it's weird how Baseball came to be about. It's not
an obvious game in any sense. A lot of weird working pieces. The 9
players, the mound, walks. But it all comes together in a logical
and competitive and sensible way.
If the mound was 5 feet further back, it's a different game.
Stuff like that. They figured out how to do it and it works! Anyway,
what the what. Tenth paragraph. I got that going for me.
Anyway, jeez. I want to watch Big Fish but the DVD is scratched. And
for some reason its not available on any On Demand channels. Where is
justice. Anyway, jeez. This could be the last paragraph, but I feel
like it's better if I have a few good paragraphs to close it out. But we
must take into consideration that the extra paragraphs may not be good.
What else. Alright, this is it. See ya later.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Gotta Title Somethin'
I'm sure this'll be an entry. Just try to stop me! Already
one thing working against me-- it's a nighttime entry. Haven't done those
since Fall Semester! I don't believe it. Do have half a dozen laugh-em-ups
written in a notebook over the past week. Pretty much just one liners with
no muck-em-uppery added to them. Maybe I'll add to them as I write
them! Probably not, but it can't hurt to dream, right? Unless
you dream you're losing your teeth. That's an omen someone you know is
gonna die. I learnt it in an English Class. I had a dream last
night that I was losing teeth but for some reason I had extra layers of teeth so
in the end it didn't really effect me.
Wow! And that wasn't even something I had
written down! Wonder what it means. Not really, I'm just
sayin' that. Whose got time to wonder these days. I don't know.
I was supposed to see a dentist yesterday, before it was canceled. So that
explains that I guess. Some post-shoulda-seen-dentist anxiety manifesting
itself appropriately. Extra teeth! Alright! Here Comes
John Bolton. Good. Another thing I didn't write down. Why
would I write that down. Oh, here's a good one. I was talking to
my Dad last night and somehow we got on the subject of his wedding to his first
wife, and for the music while she was walking down the aisle, they played The
Theme From The Godfather. My first instinct was, well, the only way
that makes sense is if my Dad and This Lady are both from rival mafia families
and this unholy union is being dedicated appropriately. Then I just
realized, Nobody in the 70's knew what the Hell they were doing.
That's how the movie starts, though. You've come
to me on the day of my daughters wedding for somethin. Not sure what, no
one filled me in on the details. Why don't you just start talking.
Anyway, yep. Made me laugh! The reasoning must have been, Well,
one song is as good as the next. I don't know. Here's a
shoulda-gone-to-waste-em-up I thought of even before the last entry. If
Stephen Hawking is so smart, how come he's dead. Pretty redundant of
crap that's been said before. Not impressed, eh? I Got Four More
Things Roughly! Oh, here we go. You're Gonna Like This One!
You know how Donald Trump likes McDonalds? And how he likes putting his
name on all of his businesses? Anyone ever note that his name is in
McDonalds. And that's why. And yep. Yuck-em-up!
When Trump thinks about dying, he's just preoccupied with
the moment he meets St. Peter and The Golden Arches and finds out if he made the
cut. Also, I think, in teh case of the Hamburgler, the death penalty is
appropriate-- he's taking away, our hamburgers. To be read in Trump's
voice. Go back in time and correct yourself! Anyway.
"...Is the Hamburgler looking for a job, I like his style and tenacity.
Can someone call the Hamburgler for me." I don't know. What's
that, three things? Three out of six? Okay, here's a one-offer.
Just a noticed fact about where my life has been going. The Older I
Get, The More Plot Holes In Movies I See, And The More It Bothers Me.
Sounds Universal. Just like the company that made all those movies!!!
I don't know. "I don't trust that Grimace. What's he up to."
Fifth paragraph. Awesome! What eles is
crappening. Still doin' the open mics. Got a great comment last week
that rivals anything anyone's ever said, even if it's not as tangibly positive.
I had started one song and got mixed up 8 seconds in, so started another one.
And a girl was like, I'm glad you mixed up the first one, because I'm really
happy I got to hear the one you did to. Then she left shortly after
that. THe point is Great! Gotta keep doing the open mics I guess.
I get 2-3 nice comments every week! I can build my life around that
theoretically. Got Chinese Food for dinner tonight. Just try to
stop me! You can't stop me, it's over and done with. I even ate
a third of the whole thing.
Sixth paragraph! Wonderful. Looking forward to
Ready Player One. I feel like I'll like it, but not like it enough.
That's my gut instinct. Ya see, Trump likes putting his name on
businesses, and here's a huge multi-national franchise that already did it for
him! Commentary. Anyway, what the what. Here's another
thing that's more Fact than joke-em-up-- I used to be the guy who got
pleasure out of correcting people who called Frankenstein's Monster
"Frankenstein." I would be like, now's my tme to shine.. AHEM,
that's the doctor's name!" Only now do I realize, Hey, he's
Frankenstein's family. And Frankenstein is a Family Name. Why
shouldn't he be a Frankenstein. So I'm glad we got all that sorted
out. What else.
Seventh paragraph. I wanna see Ready Player One in the
Good Theater that's further away from me on Opening Wednesday Night. I
was promised it would be a fun experience and I'm doubling down on that theory.
Cool. That sort of crap. Meh. I really should get my
Civilization VI working. You know, to build civilizations. Mostly
through settlers. Just skip building warrior units, just settlers.
If ou settle all over the place, they wouldn't be able to keep up with all
the cities to take over! It's called Strategy you Dunces. What
else is crap. Ah, here's another yuck-em-up-- sometimes when I urinate
I splash my hands with the last of it in order to wash my hands. Why waste
water? Yuck-em-up, indeed.
It's true though. He's sayin' what we're all not
thinking! Eighth paragraph. Ah, still have one or two more
things written down. Why does Superman need an alter ego.
Tangibly, what does he get out of being Clark Kent. Just be Superman
all the time. Unless he is really passionate about journalism. Or
he's just a freak who gets off on pretending to be human. That's his sick
thing. Like, Batman, you've gotta be Bruce Wayne. It's your cover,
and it gives you the funds you need to maintain being Batman, plus, you can do
extra good in the world with your money that's not used supporting your
vigilantism. But he's human. He wants to be human. Superman is
an alien writing articles for a newspaper for some reason. Think of all
that crime you could be fighting, or saving people from bridges, or stuff like
that, if you were just always Superman.
Some people Just. Don't. Care.
Superman, specifically, is the point. Ninth paragraph. Cool!
Hey, it's Spring! Cool Turning Into Slightly Warm! I got that going
for me. I'm not a fan of smoking a cigarette and a lit ash falls on me and
I get micro-burned. Something I could live without is the point.
Maybe Superman just gets off on deceiving people. Typical pathological
liar. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, though. He's just
really passionate about the written word. In the form of journalism.
Anyway. I watched one of the Christopher Reeves Superman's for the first
time since maybe my entire lifetime a few days ago. One with Richard
Pryor. Real Mediocre Stuff!! I also had Superman IV on VHS my entire
childhood but can't remember watching it even once. Let's talk about it.
Tenth Paragraph. This has been a fun one. It's
really helpful to have some stuff in your back pocket, even if you don't bother
riffing on them to a point where it's actually productive. Makin' small
steps, that's the way to go. I don't get Tortoise and the Hare.
What was the Tortoise doing in that race in the first place?!! He's gonna
be blown out by a long shot. He's got no chance! He's risking public
humiliation and defeat and, let's be honest, it's not a risk. This
tortoise has no chance of winning. Sure, great, there's the
crazysheet we know and dislike. Cool! What the what.
11th paragraph? Aim for 15? Okay, if I insist.
What else is crappening. I'm not even sure how The Animal Kingdom
organizes a race. Something doesn't add up here and I'm gonna get to the
bottom of it! But, man, my Dad telling me about walking down the aisle to
the them from the Godfather. Oh jeez. First part that hits ya,
it's so ominous, inappropriate. And the second thought is, wait,
people are gonna think it's a mafia-themed wedding. It works on so
many levels! Two! Anyway, jeez. Can't we just call the
parable "The Turtle and The Rabbit?" You know, the easier way to say those
two animals? I'm Sayin' What Nobody's Thinkin'!
Cool. Jeez. Clark Kent always bragging all over
town about knowing Superman. That they're close. C'mon, you're
him, aren't you? Why else would Superman be friends with you? Come
to think about it, you look and sound exactly like him... ah, but it can't be
you. You wear glasses. Sorry about that. Anyway, that's
where my life is at these days. I was more excited about Ready Player One
before I read it was mostly just pop culture references. I wanted Drama
and whatnot! Hey, there's an Entourage Reference, and someone
yells Victory! Spoiler alert. I've considered
spending the next week trying to guess what references will be in the movie.
And sort of create a bingo card, see how well I do, and if I reach Ultimate
Bingo. Anyway, jeez.
13th paragraph! Whattado. There's a song I've
planned on doing the last 4 or 5 weeks but another song eventually takes
precident in my mind and I do a different one. This week, I'm feelin' good
about this one. I think I've only done it once before. Great!
I don't know. Whatta life. Whatta do with the rest of my night and
crap. I like how theperson who runs the open mic remembers my fake band
name. For months I was tell people to go to theuppers.bandcamp.com after
my song, then I got tired of saying it knowing nobody would go. But the
showrunner still goes That was Michael Kornblum, of The Uppers, after my
song. I have arrived!
Now, let's figure out where I am. Whatsit that I
arrived to. Crap and crap. This is theoretically the penultimate
paragraph. Penultimate Bingo. Punultimate Entry.
I could keep going with utterly pathetic nonsense devoid of any intrinsic
brevity or wit. The good news is I just learnt what brevity is by
googling it. Turns out I'm Way Off. Anyway, 14th
paragraph. Gotta get a new bottle of alcohol tomorrow. So I have
bullshit to drink Strategy. That's cool. So will be the weather!
I hope not too cool! Strategy. I don't know. I
watched Jurassic Park in completion on DVD last night. To get into
Spielberg Spectable Mode. Tonight? Jurassic Park II: II
Jurassic II Furious. Gotta watch somethin'! What other Spielberg
Pictures do I own. I probably have AI stashed away somewhere.
Minority Report. Pearl Harbor.
I don't know, The Godfather is a pretty Family Oriented
Movie. You don't speak against the Family. Once you're in the
family, there's no way out. Circle of Trust. I didn't know you could
milk a cat. That sort of bullshit. ... I never saw it.
That's a lie, I seen the first one. I just don't remember it. 15th
paragraph. I may or may not have Catch Me If You Can. The point is
Let's Give Up. Not life, just figuring out what DVDs I have.
Man, you were ready to give up life pretty easily. So what, you
don't judge me, I judge you. That sort of bullshit. Gonna go for
a little bit more Entry after this paragraph!
Who knows how much. Maybe not a lot. That's what
I'm banking on. Crap and crap. This may be the last of paragraphs.
Oh well. At least I did something halfway productive today. I got
that going for me. Anyway, wrappin' it up time. Whattado.
Did Spielberg direct Me Myself and Irene? Because I sure wouldn't mind
watching that masterpiece again and again and again. Ya see, there, in
that scene, he's 'myself.' In this other one, he's 'me.' And then,
in this scene, you can clearly see the character of Irene-- who the 'me' and the
'myself' is/are with. Cracked all sorts of codes with that.
Someone disliked a song I have on YouTube. Which is pretty notable because
I'm relatively certain I've gotten no hits on youtube since the dawn of time.
How'd they manage to pull that one off?!?!
Alright, 17 paragraphs, sounds good to me. Real good
prime number. It's a relatively small number, and for that to be prime,
really says a lot about the quality of that number right there. Anyway.
I guess I'm stuck with Chinese Food for Dinner Tomorrow Night. These
are the days of our lives am I right? Anyway, jeez. Weekend!
Which means very little to a person with no job or structure of the regular
week. Reaaal little. Anyway, jeez. I guess Superman was
raised human up to some point, right? So he wants to be a regular human
adult type guy with a job and stuff. It all depends on when he finds out
he's superman. He finds out at 4, all that stuff goes out the window,
you're Growing Up Superman. You find out when you're 16? Sure, you
wanna be a regular human. I get it. Anyway. I'll see ya
Saturday, March 17, 2018
We The Titlists
I'm watching Leprechaun on TV and Jennifer Aniston just said, "Give me my
shoe back!" My optometrist's name is Dr. Shuback. The
universe works in mysterious ways. That's my claim to fame, though, is
the point. Dr. Shuback. Anyway, what the what. 10 days
since last entry. I crunched the numbers and whatnot. I did some
calculating and if you live to be 80 years old, that's 2.5 billion seconds.
That seems incredibly low. Just imagine making a pact with your
self to count to 2.5 billion. That's your entire life. I feel
like I could do that in a month. Anyway, what the what. St.
Patrick's Day. We celebrate by wearing green. Because it was St.
Patrick's favorite color? I don't have all the details.
Second paragraph. Open Mic in two days. Can't
wait! It sure is me doin' stuff and whatnot. I feel like if you
combine all the times I've spent microwaving stuff and looking at the count-down
that's a billion point 2 seconds right there. We spend half our lives
waiting for the microwave to count down, is the point. Crunched the
numbers and everything! Anyway, jeez. They never mention Leprechaun
in Life's Too Short. I guess to preserve the sanctity of the franchise.
It's probably what Warwick Davis is most known for, and they don't mention it!
Gotta crunch a lot of numbers to deduce why for sure. Anyway, jeez.
Third paragraph. What's going on. Gettin'
my new TV first week of April. I'll watch all sorts of bullshit!
What else is going on. Poker Program isn't working. Now how am I
supposed to waste half a billion seconds playing freerolls. Apparently
people spend 41% of their lives looking at Electronic Devices. I saw a
study and everything. Cool! That's roughly a billion seconds.
That's not so much. About ten movies and half a TV series. Crap
and crap. Norton Security is saying it's a security risk. I'm
gonna choose to ignore that. I have faith in this China Based Poker Scam
Website. Gonna go with my gut on this one. Anyway.
Forget a month, I could count to 2.5 billion in a week. Maybe even a day.
Crap and crap. When I have a kid, I'm gonna teach him to spend his life
just counting. At the end, he's at 2.6 billion, about to die, goes,
Life Well Lived! The point is our lives can essentially be reduced to
watching the Microwave count down.
Hopefully cookin' somethin' good. Although I
guess it doesn't matter. We die when it's ready. Never even get to
enjoy the fruits of our labor. Fourth paragraph. Leprechaun,
starring Jennifer Aniston, will continue, they say halfway through the
commercial break. Yeah. I know. That's what I assumed.
There goes 5 seconds of ad time you could have made money with. What else
is crap. I get e-mails from Democratic Organizations asking for donations
maybe 10 times a day. And 10% of that, the subject of the e-mail is
something like, Take this survey, we're not asking for money. Then
the survey is some bullshit that they probably don't care about, and at the end,
ask for money. Whatta scam. How come Norton didn't pick up on
Cool. Fifth paragraph. Why do leprechauns
care about gold so much. They're never gonna use it. They're just
hoarders. They need help. What else. Received my copy
of Civilization VI. Can't get it to work so far. Somethin' with
inadequate graphics drivers. Oh well, there goes that. Could
probably figure it out if I tried. Yeah, but then I'd have to try.
And you know how much I hate trying. What else is crap. Gotta
dentist appointment next week. That'll solve all my problems. March
Madness going on. I think that's what caused the girl to go crazy in
Unsane. What else is going on. I don't get Roman Numerals. "I's"
and "V's" and "X's." Yeah, we could make 10 digits to represent their
own thing-- but whose got the time?
And they call themselves an empire. For shame.
Sixth paragraph. Stickers fallin' off my guitar case. Only one
remains as of now. Oh well. It was in my top 3 stickers of the 6 or
so I tried to put on there. So it could be worse and whatnot. Also
got my capo last week. Now I'm playin' all sort of crazy frets.
Anyway. It came with two wooden picks. Now I've seen everything!
Jeez. This entry has got to have been 100,000 seconds, right? That's my
best guess. Came up with a new song. Nothin' special. Some
bullshit verse music and chorus music. Came up with a couple of lyrics.
What else. Gotta learn how to sing better. When
I'm doin' my performance, I feel like it sounds good to me. But when I
listen back to it from a recording, sounds like bullshit. Oh well. I
think I have it in me to sing okay if I just had it in me to crunch the numbers
to figure out how. Anyway. I wanna go to Six Flags. Does
anyone wanna go to Six Flags with me? We can ride rollercoasters and
whatnot. Amusement Parks are fun. Very amusing and so on and
whatnot. I watched the Back To The FUture Ride from Universal Studios
video yesterday on youtube. I did that ride in my childhood when we went
to Florida. Memories. Script coulda been a little better.
If you use logic on the movies, it creates a lot of plot holes. The ride?
Even more plot holes. Does't really add up at all.
What else. Eighth paragraph? Cool. The
only negative thing about roller coasters is, even if I'm safely within the
height limit they have, when they lower the bars to keep you in place, it always
feels like they're not lowered enough for me. So I gotta hold on tight in
order to continue living. Anyway, what the what. I don't know if
they still have it, but my favorite thing at Six Flags was the motion simulator
which, like the Back To The Future ride, you just get into a car type thing and
they use magic to simulate like you're riding something. And you could
design your own course. I wanna loop here, go left here, upsy daisy,
alright, now let's do it! Really gets the creative juices flowing.
Ninth paragraph. My worst memory of Six Flags is
getting a huge circular spiral lollipop on the way out and having to continue
with it all the way home, only making it 33% through, then throwing it out.
Really makes you consider yourself a failure for not sticking with it.
Anyway. Dinner in a couple of hours. I got it all planned out and
everything. How has this entry been going? C+? C-?
Something else? If I get a new TV, I also need to get a new cable
box. Alright! I'm sick of this one. Doesn't really do
it for me anymore. 60 x 60 x 24 x 365 x 80. I'm pretty good at
crunching the numbers.
Tenth paragraph. Maybe go for 15? That's my
instinct as of now. Maybe stop after this one. I don't know!
Not yet! Whaz goin' on. One of the stickers says When Life is a
Shit Storm, Art is Your Only Umbrella. Sounds pretty good. I'd
make it When Art is a Shit Storm, Life is your Only Umbrella, though.
That's where my head is at these days. I haven't tweeted something in over
2 months. That'll show 'em. This may very well be the last
paragraph. I don't know! Not yet! Been thinking about trying a
new beer at Open Mic. Not a new beer, an old beer, that's new to me.
We're talkin' something that isn't Bud Light or Corona. Wow. What
captivating blog fodder.
11th paragraph! Cool. I think they're
starting to treat me with more respect when signing up for Open Mic. If I
draw a bad number, the guy throws it back into the mix and gives me a new one.
At least last time. So the point is I've Made It. And also,
Too bad for those chumps whose probability of getting a good number is going
down! That'll show 'em. I think the best number is between 6 and
13. I crunched the numbers and everything. When I grow up I wanna
be a leprechaun. Good to set goals for yourself and whatnot. My
Mom said something heightist yesterday. Called Trump "a small man."
And when I tried explaining to her that it's insensitive, she wasn't havin' any
of it. Microsoft FrontPage doesn't even recognize heightist as a
word. We have so much further to go.
Anyway, jeez. 12th paragraph. Good stuff.
My Mom was like, No, you know, Small-- like petty. And I was like,
yeah, you're associating negative qualities with being a smaller person.
And she was like, No, I don't think so-- that's what it means. And
I'm like, Yeah, but it shouldn't. And she's like, you're left
handed, why don't you care that people associate that with evil. And
I'm like, well, for one, that was 500 years ago. For two, people don't
see left handed men and think poorly of them. You can see I'm short.
Then she said something else and I probably replied but I don't remember all the
Cool! Three paragraphs to go. I'm doin' it and
whatnot. Maybe I should get those shoes that add 3 inches to your height
hiddenly. That'll make people respect me. Maybe I shuold wear
gloves so people don't see me lead with my left hand. That'll get
people wonderin. "Why is he wearing gloves? Let's Respect Him."
Jeez. I think the Dinosaur Jr. song Keep The Glove is about saving
gross mementos after having protected sex. Prove me wrong!
Anyway, jeez. I've been doing the Open Mics out of habit the last month or
two instead of really gettin' something out of it, and feel like it's taking me
places, and whatnot. Alright! Habits! It's about time.
Penultimate paragraph. Let's do it and whatnot.
Who cares about Spyware. I got nothin' to hide! That's my
feeling about things. Well, it took an hour, but I finally downloaded
the updated version of Poker Website. And busted in the two tourneys I
was in due to getting raked out. Such is life I suppose. What else
is going on. I came in 30th in one of them! That's pretty
good. I don't know. What the what. Daylight Savings Time has
passed. Open Mic this past Monday was Lighter Later than it was before.
I can dig that. What else is crap.
Last paragraph. Let's do it. Not makin' much
progress in life. Not doin' much that's productive. And I keep
getting further and further into the time period of being graduted from college.
Gotta figure something out to get back on some sort of track. Jeez.
I don't know. Writing. Music. Read some books. I
feel like I could do that. That's relatively productive. Anyway,
what the what. Jeez. Get really good at acrobatics. The kind
where you can fit your body into weird shapes. See if I could fit into my
guitar case. Not sure how that is productive. I don't know,
jeez. I'll see ya later.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Now We're Titling!
Hello friends. Gonna try to write an entry. Let's see if I remember
now. I'm pretty sure it involves words in a relatively logical order.
Not the most logical, but maybe a solid 75-80% logical. Also, Hey!
Starting to lose enthusiasm about doing the Open Mics. Just don't get the
same rewarding feeling after knockin' out a great rendition of a mediocre song.
Oh well-- got nothin' else to do. That's my Thesis statement. Wrote
a very basic chord/note progression for a verse of a song. Alright!
Now all I ahve to do is write the chorus chord/note progression. And
workshop the verse chord/note progression. Not 100% on board with it the
way it is. Partly because it's only 70% done. I'm a false based
Sweet! I don't know. Daylight Savings time is
in a few days. Time to celebrate! This just in-- the hour I would
have used to celebrate has disappeared. Commentary. I don't
know, already in the second paragraph. That's a good sign. So is
Taurus. Got nothin' against Tauruses. I don't know, what the what.
After listening to Weird Al's rendition of Hamilton, I feel like I would like to
see Hamilton. It'll be like Hey now I like history! Founding
Fathers-- They're Just Like Us. Anyway, what the what. I like
history. I once read a history book-- just for fun! This was 13
years ago. Gotta hold onto the past in some respect, right? I
choose to hold onto reading a book which is a textbook-type progression of the
history of American Foreign Policy. It was a good one!
Now I know all about stuff. Bay Of Pigs-- What's
It All About? Now I know. But forgot. Something
about it being a failure. I remember that. Also that it was the name
of a map in Red Alert II. Which is important? Anyway, what the what.
President Trump talkin' about tariffs. Where does he get off. I
think he just likes doing stuff. You don't think I'ma do stuff?
Check it out, I'm doin' somethin'. That'll show 'em, that'll show
all of 'em. Wait, no. I'm thinking of me. First
thing I've ever thought of that I share with Trump. Like to do stuff.
Anyway, jeez. Third paragraph. At least I've never imposed tariffs.
Not to my knowledge.
Anyway. My parents suggested I take one Graduate Level
Course at Queens College and see how that goes. I don't think that'll
work. My guess is they'd need to accept you even just to take one course.
And the deadline has passed. Oh well, no such thing as a bad idea.
Except for tariffs. What were you thinking?! What else.
I also don't like the walking involved in going to Open Mic. Walking
Five Blocks? What am I, Usain Bolt? He likes walking.
Really fast. I don't know. You're not supposed to notice results
from Testosterone Therapy for a few weeks or months. I already have.
We're talkin' morning erections. We're talking my facial hair growing
faster. Maybe a third thing, I don't know. Can't count that
Anyway, jeez. I remember when Anna Nicole Smith died I
had a mourning erection. Current Events. Wait,
that's... what's the word... not narcolepsy.. necrophilia. That's it.
Oh well, gotta suffer from some hideous and crippling perversions. What
else is going on. Narcolepsy is when you can't stop tipping off the
authorities about your friends' stashes. Cracked that code. I
feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to start smoking weed again.
Not all the time. Like twice a week. Oh well, no avenue to get it.
It'll be legal within a few years. Now we play the waiting game.
Crap and crap, what paragraph we at. Fifth. Alright! I can
deal with that. Maybe I should eat some Testosterone Gel. That'll
get the ball rolling. You know, just to see what happens. I bet
Sixth paragraph. Cool! Stop focusing on
music. Writing, that's the key. Get into writing comedy, try to make
that lead to something. Careerwise. Anyway, jeez. Apparently
there's snow that happened. Looked out the window, could be worse.
Could be better. Could be the same. Probably is the same.
That's what I'd put my money on. If only I had money. I have
a ten dollar bill that's perhaps irrevocably ripped. Maybe a piece of
scotch tape would fix it enough, I don't know. But that's my life savings,
is the point. Also, three or four metrocards with rides on them that are
irrevocably bent. That's my secret stash.
Cool. Seventh paragraph. I'm not a very
physical person, but I'd say my greatest physical skill is being able to stand
in the middle of a subway car without holding onto anything and being able to
keep my balence as the subway moves. Probably. I used to be able to
do it. Maybe I'm out of practice and lost that skill. Or maybe it's
like riding a bike. I would imagine. Never learnt how to ride a
bike. Two Wheels? What am I, Evil Knievel?
Why is he Evil Knievel. Did he make a pact with the devil to not
get into motorcycle accidents? What makes this guy evil? Is he
evil because he makes kids want to perform death-defying stunts that result in
death for them? Anyway. Knievel. Sounds Yiddish.
Maybe he's Evil because he's Jewish. I don't know, I don't have all the
I could see myself re-watching Bullshit with Penn and
Teller. I disagree with them 30% of the time but that's something I could
see myself watching. Might rile up the blood too much, though.
If there's one thing I don't need, it's to get riled up. Anyway. Is
it possible the reason Teller doesn't speak is because he's from the Twilight
Zone episode where he makes a bet he won't speak for a year and wins because he
cut off his tongue but the guy he made the bet with has no money so it's all for
nothing? And now he's teamed up with a big mouth magician to try to cash
in on his debilitating condition?
Makes more sense than any alternative I could imagine.
What else. Ninth paragraph. Cool. "Teller?!' He doesn't
tell me anything?!" Commentary. What else is going on. I
hope places deliver food tonight. For Strategy reasons. Having food
to eat Strategy. What else is going on. Maybe go for 15 paragraphs
today. That's my first instinct. Go for 10 paragraphs. That's
my second instinct. I'll keep you updated on any future instincts I
might have. Cool. Let's see, crap and crap. Getting back
into watching Hoarding shows. Got burnt outon them after a while, they're
all the same. But they're not! I saw one yesterday where the
hoarder was a middle aged Chinese Lady. Never seen that combination
Coolio. What else. I regret seeing The
Winchester House over The Shape Of Water, in retrospect. Anyway, what
else. This is the tenth paragraph. Cool. Apparently, Times Up.
Also, Neveragain. I know, I know. Me too. That sums
that up. I can't keep track of all these Hashtag Movements.
It's the future, now. Hashtags Are Power. First you get the
hashtags, then you get the power, then you get the women. Too bad
time's up. Does Daylight Savings effect the Time's Up Movement.
Anyway, jeez. Apparently I can keep track of all these hashtags
movements. I just did. Unless there's a fourth one I'm
forgetting. Oh, right. #LetsPromoteMikePence.
11th paragraph. Five ta go hopefully! Remember
when Pokemon Go was a huge thing for three weeks. I do. What
else is going on. It's Evel, not Evil. Same difference.
He knows what it sounds like. Anyway, crap and crap. This could
be the last paragraph. Sounds good to me. Pi Day is in a week.
My Dad took me to a Math Museum a few times when I was a kid where they had
special Pi Day attractions. And at 1:59 PM they released a balloon.
26 seconds in. Let's talk about it. It might have been a regular
museum, and they were only a math museum on Pi Day. I can't think of any
Math Museums in my immediate area. Cool. I'll see ya later.
Thursday, March 1, 2018
I Must Be Crazy
That's my Thesis Statement. Hey, it's March! Another month in the
books. In a month. For now it's open season. Hey, what's going
on. Did badly last open mic. I had rewritten 2/3rds of the lyrics,
thought they were great, got absolutely nothin'. Well, one good comment.
But mostly, nothin'. I learned my lesson. Time to stop!
What's going on in the wide world of sports. Starting Testosterone
tomorrow. I hope I go through puberty again! That was fun the
first time around. Anyway, jeez. Mixed up color scheme for the
month. Let's talk about it. Anyway, jeez. Been a week since
last entry more or less. Or same. Not same, I remember it being
Wow! Talk about your great opening paragraphs of
all time! Starting to get antsy about not having any direction in life.
I've mucked around for close to three months, only natural to start thinking
is this all that there is. I hope not. My parents are
theoretical grandparents now. I can't be living off my grandparents.
Hmm. Sounds like sound logic to me. I'm not a fan of how
you're not supposed to stick q-tips into your ear canal. Well then, why
bother in the first place. You clean your outer ear with a tissue or
something, who needs a q tip for that. Anyway. Not 100% on board
with the brand name Q Tip. Not sure what the Q is supposed to
signify. Let's talk about it, more or less.
Third paragraph! Jeez. Watching a John Candy
movie in the background. Uncle Buck. It's about George Washington
coming back to life and having to baby-sit for his brother in law. Neerd.
That could be a new transitional phrase. Make a bad joke. Neeerd.
Say something that isn't a joke. Neeeerd. Make a nerdy
statement. You get the idea. What else. I don't get hiring
people to be house sitters. Pretty sure the house can do that by
itself. Topics. Anyway, jeez. Let's get on track with
this. I was looking up words Shakespeare invented and I was like No
Way. So many words! And common ones, too. Man, if I
knew you could become a great writer just by making up words, then...
probably still wouldn't do it. Whose got the time.
What else. Got dinner for later tonight. We're
talking Spaghetti and Meatballs. Cause I'm an Adult. Anyway, jeez.
Fourth paragraph. This ain't going so great. Sure is Somethin',
though. I think Weird Al is "Dropping" a new song tomorrow. That's
what internet has led me to believe. So I got that to look forward to.
Every now and then I lament mentioning AIDS in my submitted Yearbook Quote for
High School, and think about all the great Quotes I could have had that they'd
accept. Real missed opportunity to make an impression on my peers. I
don't know. What else. Sometimes ya just gotta roll the dice.
Especially when playing craps. You're not rollin' the dice, step aside,
make room for someone who will.
Fifth paragraph. Still got 24 cents on poker.
That should last me a long time because it's too little to sit at a table with.
Seems like it should last me forever, if I'm doing the math right.
I don't know. I don't like doing Open Mics with recently written lyrics.
Get too emotionally invested in the performance and result of performance.
Doing old songs with 100% old lyrics, I'm not even thinking about the loadedness
of them lyrics. Just knockin' em out, one by one. Anyway, jeez.
What else is going on. I really should see a movie this weekend.
Game Night isn't gonna watch itself! I hope not, at least. That
would be supernatural or something.
Am I being a bad citizen of the world if I don't see Black
Panther in Theater? Seems like it. Maybe I should see it because
everyone else is. That's a good way to live one's life. Apparently
we're makin' some headway in tighter gun laws. At least from the private
sector. Great! I love progress. It makes me happy inside.
No it doesn't. It just makes me think, that ain't good enough!
Whatta jip. But on a more logical level, it makes me happy outside.
What else is going on. Sat down at an 11 cent tourney. Gotta
do something. Sixth paragraph, eh? I can dig that.
Metaphorically. Physically and Literally, I wouldn't know where to start.
Cool. What the what. One of the stickers fell of
my guitar case. Another one is just barely hanging on. If I knew
this would happen, I wouldn't have gotten so emotionally invested in having
these stickers. Oh well, too late now. Life Is Ruined.
Crap and crap. Oscars are this weekend I think. I'm rooting for the
presenters to present the awards correctly. Also, for everyone to have a
good time. What else is going on. I don't know. Stuff and
crap. Uncle Buck just ended. I missed what happened the entire
movie. There was a part where John Candy physically threatened a
teenage boy. Several parts where that happened. That's all that
Anyway. Jeez. Eighth paragraph. Whatta jip.
I still have to go through the rest of my life indefinitely with having no
direction. Crap. Thursday Night, eh? Sounds like fun.
For someone with a different life than me. Cool. Good for them.
Seeing Psychiatrist tomorrow. Only the third time I'm meetin' this dude.
Cool. Gonna have some real Bro Talk. Like, how has your sleep
been. And I'm like, how hasn't it been, more like it, am I
right??! Because I haven't been getting any sleep. In terms of
sex. None of that. Wow. Nerd. What else is going on.
Jeez. At first the joke would be "How Hasn't It Been" means nothing,
then I switched to it meaning I Don't Sleep Because Of Sex for some reason.
Live and learn. I don't know. Ninth
paragraph. First entry of the month. Once I get Civilization IIIIX
I'll be happy. That's my Thesis Statement. Also gotta get a PC
game where you write essays. I don't know. New The Al
Formerly Known As Weird song coming out hopefully. I sure hope so.
That would be a net positive for the universe as well as me. I think for
Civilization Six you have to follow one real civilization. Like, you
choose America, you have to be George Washington, and your cities have to be
Washington D.C., New York, etc. In Civilization II, you were just you.
And you could name your own cities. I'm mainly getting into this game
to give some cities some great names, now, what's the point?
I don't know. But I'll spend 70 dollars trying to
find out! That's the logical thing to do. Pocket Notebook is kinda
crappy. Some pages are barely hanging on by a thread. They're gonna
rip off completely at some point. And then where will I be. Nowhere!
Same place as right now. Makes sense. Tenth paragraph.
Probably go over 10 paragraphs today. Don't feel a strong urge to stop or
anything. Good. I could watch some movies on DVD. I haven't
seen My Myself and Irene in six months. Anyway. Watched a
couple of movies from my Kurosawa Box Set over the last month or two.
Ikiru and The Seven Samurai. Rashomon isn't gonna watch itself!
Maybe it will. If any movie can, I'd say it's that one.
11th paragraph. Five paragraphs to go, that's my best
guess. What else is going on. I like Dr. Nowzaradan from My 600
Pound Life. If I were to make a biopic about him, it'd be called
Doctor, Now! Ugh. Anyway, jeez. They play The End
in Apocalypse, Now! at the beginning of the movie. That's a quality mix-em-up.
Jeez. I think. I haven't seen that movie in a while. In
this post-apocalyptic world. AKA the world post- that movie being
released. What a jip this entry is. Crap and crap. Cleaned up
my bathroom in anticipation of starting testosterone therapy. Gotta keep
things clean. Right? Sure. Four more paragraphs to go.
Wonderful! Cool. Hmm. What's a thing I can
do in Life that is productive and progress that isn't too much work that I can
actually do it. Hmm. Real brain teaser, that one.
What's on the docket for the rest of tonight. Eat dinner. Watch some
Late Night Comedy Talk Show News Dispenseraries. Whatta jip. Not
enough! When I get married, my wedding vow(s) will be-- I Love You Long
Time. That's it. I dont know. 12th paragraph. That's
a thing. Maybe only one more paragraph after this one. I busted in
that high rollers tournament I was in.
I'm gonna call this the 14th paragraph. Not unlucky.
Let's talk about it. Gettin warmer, staying light later. I like the
light part. That's my Thesis Statement. It's become my thing at Open
Mic that when I order a Corona, I make a point to not make the bartender put the
lime wedge in the opening. Why waste limes. This does nothing for
me. So the point is I'm an Environmental Hero. I also put the empty
bottle into plastic recycling bins. I know they say only put plastic in
it, but I'm going the extra mile, because I'm just that great of a Citizen Of
The World. If I write two more paragraphs, that's an even 15.
Whatever. It might make me feel good, might as well
do it. Very promising. Or I could continue that line of bullshit and
consider this the 15th paragraph. I like the sound of that. What
else is going on. Gettin' a new bottle of alcohol tomorrow. This
past one lasted me three weeks! That's pretty good. Should I have
said "Doctorocolypse, Now!"? Probably. I've been getting
recurring dreams where I realize it's five or ten years in the future and am
like WTF I JUST LOST 5 OR 10 YEARS? I think it comes from WTF I
JUST LOST 5 OR 10 YEARS TO BULLSHIT? in waking life. Meh. In
real life, doesn't bother me that much. In my dreams, though, in the exact
same situation, really pisses me off. Might as well write a real 15th
I didn't lose my 20's. I invested them-- in continuing
the bullshit established in my teens! Music, comedy. It's all good.
I did actually get a college degree. That's somethin'. What else is
going on. At least now I know how many Crazysheets I can write in one
month based on a larger sample size. Really figure it out and whatnot.
Anyway, time to wrap it up I guess. I rarely actually wrap up entries.
They just sort of end. That settles that. Have to write a few
sentences until this entry just sort of ends. Cool! I'll see ya