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Sunday, April 28, 2019

Month Rhymes With Lunch.  Well, I'm Done For The Day

        I suppose, sure, why not?  I can't wait to start a new month to mix up the color scheme.  Go back to the tried and true #2 Back-Up Classic of Black Font on White Background?  Or something wholy different?  Also, I'm 100% sure wholey is a word-- sure, I don't know how to spell it, but it is definitely a word-- but Microsoft FrontPage offers zero suggestions for any possible spelling of the word!  I'm gonna start a boycott of something that may or may not be related to this.  Oh, wait.  It offers, "Wholly."  Nevermind.  I'm not calling off the imaginary boycott, though!  We're too far down that rabbit hole to go back!  C'mon guys, let's take to the streets!  It's possible I don't know what a boycott is.  Apparently I think it's some sort of riot.
Oh well, what can ya do.  Man meets girl.  Boy meets cot.  Room loses pillows.  Woman versus nature.  That sums up any and every possible story in the world.  I learnt about it in fifth grade or something.  The truth in that is, in fifth grade, I learned about the different conflicts a story can have in its plot-- man versus man, man versus nature, man versus self, and possibly one or two other 'man versus.'  And they're supposed to cover the conflict of any and every possible plot.  I didn't think of it then, but thinking back on it now, man man is really antagonistic.  We take it as a given in upper-elementary school that man is against everyone!  Fuck nature!  Fuck other men!  Fu... wait scratch that last one.  Fuck yourself! ... well, that one sounds about right for myself and most people.
    Something along those lines.  After wearing contacts for at least part of the day for a week straight, today and yesterday have been back to glasses.  The plan is to wear contacts roughly 2 times a week, to stretch 90 day supply (+ ~10 or so in bonus 'trial' contacts!) into a years worth.  Awesome!  Also, wearing glasses again, glasses ain't so bad.  I was worried, after wearing contacts for a week straight, I'd be real disappointed to go back to glasses for the lion's share of days.  But I like 'em!  I'll wear glasses 3/4 days, sure, why not, whose gonna stop me, you?  Nature?  Myself?!  I'd like to see you try!  All of you!  You all team up and fight me and I'll still win!
    That's an interesting question I should have asked my 5th grade teacher-- Hey, what if Nature, Other Men, And Yourself team up against you?  It's man versus MAN, NATURE, AND SELF?!  That sounds like a real epic movie possibly containing super heroes and which is 2 hours and 40 minutes long and I'd like to see it today.  I'm pretty sure there were other Man Versus... lemme check internet.  Ah, man versus, "Society."  When I put, "Society," in quotes, you can read it as Billy Madison 5 minutes before the movie ends.  Anyway, Society, that's like Man Versus Man, right, but with 20% of nature thrown in.  It's like Man Versus The Nature of Man.  And also, it's kind of like Man Versus Self, because presumably in most cases the problem Man has with Society (or Society Has With The Man) is that The Man Is Not Conforming To Society or Being Antagonistic To Society Or Something Right?  Great, great, how's that working out for you.  Huh.
    Also, apparently, women are never involved in conflict.  That sounds like a sweet deal!  Alright, alright, whoever started this theory of literature was obviously not woke on gender and meant, 'man,' to be gender neutral.  But, it does raise an interesting question-- what about conflicts between two things that aren't people?  Can't nature have a problem with society?  Off the top of my head-- global warming.  That's Society Versus Nature.  The point is I just proved literature to be a fraud where's my Nobel prize.  Anyway I'm gonna put lunch in the oven to consume it in about 35 minutes.  Be back in a Jpeggy!
I guess it's just a people-centric point of view.  Global Warming is only a problem if Man considers it a problem.  So, for global warming, it's Man Versus [Society intersecting with Nature].  I guess.  It's not a problem until people consider it a problem.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Been doing pretty good in poker.  Already reached the highest goal I set for myself to reach about a week ago, to have reached by comedy class (which be nine days from now).  So now, I'm just bumping up all the goals by 100$, which is roughly what I'm up from then.  Every primary, secondary and tertiary goals are exactly the same, just increased by 100$!  Nice!  Is Nice!
    I guess. 
Been getting up increasingly early after going to bed increasingly... well, also early, that makes sense.  I like it!  Eating an early breakfast, early lunch, makes me feel normal.  Same times a normal person would be eating meals.  None of this I'm having lunch at 3:00 PM nonsense.  Jeez, what paragraph are we into.  Seventh.  I was originally not gonna start writing here until after afternoon walk, but oh well, what can ya do.  I got my new chair!  It's real comfortable!  I can sit in it regular, I can sit in it American Indian Style cuz it's big, I can recline, I can set it to not recline, I can push the arm rests up!  The possibilities are endless!  Well, there's about 8 possibilities.  Those three things in all possible different combinations.  Pretty sure that's 8 possibilities. 
 Sure I know math.  Get off my back about it!  Jeez.  Also fine tuning exercise schedule so my Room Walking is scaled back a bit so I don't just conceptualize every waking moment as an opportunity to burn calories.  Basically, still taking three separate half hour walks a day-- nothin' wrong with that, going out, getting some air, opportunity to get coffee or food or somethin.  And some Room Walking between morning walk and lunch (combined with some sit and push ups during this time), and a little bit more Room Walking after Evening Walk.  That gives me a nice chunk in the middle of the day where I can just fuckin' sit down and relax.  And this time is the bulk of the waking day.  But I'm also afforded me enough Burning Calories each day that I can eat like an asshole and whatnot. 
    Cool!  Jeez.  What else is going on.  Ninth paragraph.  Had an even 5 before putting lunch in oven.  Should have roughly an even 10 before eating lunch.  Then maybe take a walk, come back here, write another 5 or 10.  Perhaps aided by the alcohol content found in beer-- I don't know yet!  Either way Great What Else Is Going On.  I like it when stuff is even.  That's definitely low level OCD.  And by, "even," sure, multiples of 5 are also considered even.  Nice Round Numbers.  That's what I'm looking for.  In fact, multiples of 5 are even more desirable than multiples of 2.  Whoever considered 18 a nice, round number?  Meanwhile, 25, now that's a number I think we can all get behind!  I feel very strongly about this.
    Hey I'm 30 years old.  Fuck multiple of 5, this fucker is a multiple of 10.  Now we're talking great number.  Gotta make it count.  I only have 2/3rds of a year left to make it count!  Must.  Make.  It.  Count.  31 is next.  Well, my immediate association with 31 that I went to P.S. 31 for elementary school.  True Story!  I don't know.  Guess lunch is coming soon.  I can't wait!  Sure I can.  And I will.  The point is hmm how to close out this paragraph.  Oh hey that wondering did the trick.  I got lucky there.  Anyway, eat lunch now, fuck around for 5 or 10  minutes, take walk, get back here, write 2nd half of entry!  Let's go!

    And I'm back.  Trying out a new flavor of gum.  "Mint Bliss."  Kinda overselling it, huh?  Bliss.  Chewing this gum is the end all be all opiate!  It'll take you to nirvana!  It's like an orgasm in your mou... wait scratch that last one.  It's okay, though.  Right now, my rankings of Trident Gum I've chewed in the past few months go 1) Wintergreen 2) Peppermint 3)Mint Bliss 4) Spearmint 5) Original 6) Minty Sweet Twist.  Let's do a Fantasy Gum Draft.  We'll get together 10 of our closest friends and pick flavors of gum to fill out a team of flavors of gum that will accumulate points for us as the season goes on.  Huh.  Hmm. That's one way to end a paragraph.
Awesome!  Decided to get a second iced coffee for the day as opposed to a beer.  Slightly more expensive, slightly less unhealthy.  That's a trade off I'd make any day of the week not including Friday and possibly Saturday I figure twice a week is fair to not adhere to this rule it's not a hard and fast thing there's flexibility to it and it's open to interpretation.  Like the constitution.  Zing'd em.  You know, originalists?  Or maybe the other kind of interpreting the constitution.  I forget which one is which.  All I know is The Originalists is a nice band name for people who make constitution-themed punk rock.  Which, lets face it, is a niche just waiting to be filled.
    13th paragraph!  Anyway, what else.  It's a good 'Punk Rock' name because no one knows for sure which side originalists are on!  I assume everyone is like me in the sense that they learned about the different ways of interpreting the constitution at some point in their life but then forgot which one is which.  And, let's be honest, also forgot exactly what the non-originalists are called.  Textualists?  Something like that.  I don't know, lets get back on track with this entry.  Went to Bakery on my afternoon walk.  I got myself 4 cookies.  4!  I started laughing before telling the baker I was gonna get 4 cookies.  I mean, as far as she knows, I'm getting stuff for my entire family.  Which is partly true, I also got my Mom a cupcake.  But I still felt it necessary to laugh a little, sort of as a social cue of a warning, This is gonna sound completely crazy, I know... but I'm gonna need 4 cookies.  Hand 'em over.  Nice and slow.  Nobody needs to get hurt.
Two cookies for Afternoon snack today and tomorrow.  Two cookies for evening dessert snack today and tomorrow.  Yeah that's right this is where the CircleWalking pays off!  Speaking of bakers, I was thinking, I don't get why the butcher in Fiddler On The Roof is comparatively upper class.  Like, butchers are pretty high up on the financial totem pole in semi-rural, agrarian economies of 100, 120 years ago.  Great.  You took an animal and cut it up a bit.  I could do that.  Why have you more money than me because you can make a few cuts?  I guess in Jewish communities you need to make sure that the resulting meat is Kosher.  Does that mean the butcher needs to say some prayers and stuff throughout his day?  Maybe, I don't know!  Only one way to find out!  Wish I knew what that way was.  Oh well, what can ya do.
    15th paragraph!  Also, these cookies are relatively big.  I guess I should have made that clearer before.  They're not huge jumbo sized cookies, but they're also not small cookies.  Somewhere in the middle.  Jumbo Shrimp... Shrimp Gumbo.  Hmm.  Is that anything?  What else is going on.  Been wearing very old pairs of jeans from over a decade ago that suddenly fit me again.  It's been a blast and a half.  Man I'm loving this chair.  A love affair for the ages.  Man Meets Chair.  Chair Satisfies Man In A Way No Human Could Ever Hope To.  Man Thinks About Why Any Human Would Ever Hope To Satisfy Said Man.  Doesn't Add Up To Man.  Man Reclines Into Chair Further.  It's that age old story, ya know.
    Well, 75% there, five paragraphs to go, those are some nice round numbers for ya.  I'm wearing a nice old shirt I haven't worn in years, maybe ever.  It wasn't my type of shirt when I could have worn it.  But now, fine!  It has buttons and everything.  I kind of look like a pilot in it.  Well, not a pilot, more like some guy who works for the air force, but isn't currently flying a plane.  That kind of guy is what which I am looking like according to myself for some reason.  Well, there, 75% done with this paragraph.  More Round numbers!  I remember as a kid being pissed off by Fiddler On The Roof because it's blatant false advertising.  This was no fiddler on any roofs.  This legitimately upset me as a kid.
    I don't know.  I think I had it on VHS but I couldn't have watched it very often because 90% of the plot never even registered with me until I saw it in completion on TV a few months or a year ago.  I've remembered a bunch of the songs, but the actual plot, not really.  I don't know, three and a half paragraphs to go.  I think this website is the comedy equivalent of Slant Rhymes in music.  It sorta makes sense, sorta is impressive, but for the most part, it's like, this guy is cheating, cutting corners, making his own rules and I'm not 100% 'down' with this.  That sort of thing, right?  That's the sort of thing that I'm all about.
    I'll make you down with something if it the last thing I do!  That's a strangely fatalistic turn of phrase.  I'm gonna die someday-- maybe someday soon-- but it'll be worth it to accomplish this one last thing!  Which in this case is to make you down with something?  That doesn't sound right.  Doesn't even make sense.  None of this makes sense!  So we got that going for us is the point.  And only two more paragraphs after this one is the secondary point.  And the tertiary point is I haven't lost a single cent on poker while the entry was going on.
    Penultimate paragraph.  This was a fun one.  Solidly in the D+/C- category I'd say.  I remember getting a few A++ in grade school and one A+++.  Never got a B--, though.  I guess for a teacher to go with more than one + or -, it needs to be accentuating the highest quality work possible.  Because you have no other way to signify that something is better than an A+.  But if you think something is B+/C-, but let's say more on the B+ side, you still can just say B+/C-, you're not gonna do B+++.  I guess you can do it the other way, too.  You don't want to fail someone, but you really wanna drive the point home that they did the worst someone can possibly do, even worse than they think is imaginable-- give 'em a D---.  So that's a possibility for teachers I guess.
    Last paragraph!  My Dad was just in my room cause his file cabinet is in my room so every few days he stops by for a few minutes.  And he was looking at my laptop and he was like why does your monitor have all those stains.  And I was like what are you talking about?  And he was like all those brown stains on the monitor.  And I was like I have no idea what you're talking about.  And after a few more times through that exact exchange I started seeing what he was talking about.  My monitor is dirty as fuck but I don't even notice it because I'm used to it.  Gotta imagine that's leading to an unclean mind in general, considering how often I'm at my computer.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Get a new laptop.  I like the way you think!  Keep getting new stuff!  Eventually I'll feel satisfied with life and happy in general I guess!  See ya later!

-1:53 P.M.   



Friday, April 26, 2019

All The Way There

        Hey friends and enemies.  I like that phrase that goes, Keep your friends close, and your enemies... well, stay away from your enemies.  What are you, some jerk who wants to be antagonistic for some sick reason?  You get off on being around your enemies, do ya?  That's your kick?  Well, whatever, there's no reasoning with you.  The point is I lost a good wearable Left Eye Contact Lens because I took it out cause it was moving around in my eye and I then realized I had the plastic container to store it in temporarily but it had not been filled up with a saline solution so it was in fact worthless I can't just put it into a piece of plastic naked so I just got rid of the contact lens.  So my plan for a while was Eh I guess I'll just wear one  contact lens for the rest of the day!  That should prove to be interesting!  I'm not gonna take my right one out, why should I?  I'm not gonna put a new left one in, that's a waste of roughly 3 quarters!  I'm gonna spend the day halfway there!
    I ended up putting a new left one in.  Consequences be damned!  I can afford 75 cents.  I pretty much have unlimited change on account of buying things with my parents money and hoarding all the change that comes back my way.  It's a source of monies never to run dry!  Anyway, I think I have a few save-em-ups.  First one I came across-- Are people from Tel Aviv called, "Tel Avivins?"  Pronounced like, "Televisions," with a lisp?  It's a good save-em-up because it really makes you think about the world we live in.  Specifically, what kind of world do we live in where Mike would think that's good Crazysheet?  A negative world, that's what!  A crap world we should get rid of.  Bring on the ice caps melting, we're goin' down with the ship!  Like that Band on Titanic thing!  Musicians on Titanic is a good... something!
The word Titanic fell out of favor around the time The Titanic: The Ship went down.  I guess just using the word brought up too many bad feelings.  I mean, it used to be a perfectly acceptable and widely used adjective.  No one says it anymore.  Man look at that... something!  It's titanic!  Never again.  Anyway, in 3 hours, it'll be a clean 28 days without a cigarette.  Or, some might say, a month.  That'll learn 'em, that'll learn all of 'em for doubting me!  I actually feel like I'm kind of getting away with something what with quitting cigarettes.  I saw online that the success rate for people trying to quit smoking cold turkey is around 3-6%.  And I'm doing it without that much effort.  Seems wrong.  Why me?  Doesn't seem fair.
    Still, though, the amount of cigarette crap I've consumed in one decade will have permanent effects on my body forever.  Even with quitting, compared to people who never smoked, my chances of getting lung cancer or heart disease are titanic!  By which I mean my lungs will be the subject of a 2 billion dollar movie and launch several people's careers for some reason.  What paragraph are we into?  Fourth?  Yup!  What other kinds of save-em-ups do I got lying around.  I started having a new fresh spiral notebook by my computer/temporary TV [same machine] and I call this new spiral notebook RND, or: Random Notes Daily.  And I just write random notes in it.  Sometimes crazysheet thoughts, sometimes lyrics, ideas for comedy bits, sometimes ways to conceptualize how to play poker going forward, or questions I need to ask doctors next time I see them.  Pretty much anything that I need to remember goes into RND.
    It's great because I no longer need a memory at all.  Anything remotely important goes into the RND.  My mind has become obsolete except for the initial millisecond of a thought.  Whew!  No more effort at all!  That's a relief.  Anyway, jeez, now we're into the fifth paragraph.  I'm sacrificing ~2 hours of CircleWalking but it's worth it to create some art that will live forever.  You know, this crap?  Right.  Gettin' pretty deep into the Guided By Voices book.  Pretty good book!  I like reading it!  That's my hot take on Books.  Anyway.  I feel like I've been scammed getting cold brew coffee instead of regular iced coffee for the past six months.  It's more expensive, and ya kind of want to assume it's better quality in either or both Health & Taste, but it's not.  I mean in theory it sounds great.  Cold Coffee.. Designed To Be Cold Coffee.  This Is What Cold Coffee Should Be.  As opposed to the anarchic and misadventurous  WEEEEEEEEEEE WE TOOK REG HOT COFFEE AND POURED IT ON ICE NOW ITS COLD!
    But it tastes better when you do a blind or halfway-there taste test.  And those are the cold hard facts.  Sixth paragraph. My chair delivery just arrived from Staples.  I'm gonna have to put it together myself.  That is not exactly my wheelhouse, putting stuff together.  But someone's gotta do it!  And the guy who works at Staples who does it for a fee is hard to book!  So we'll see if that pans out or if I just give up and leave the pieces in the box for the rest of our natural lives.  Like that weird expensive stereo speaker or something that I got in 2008 that's supposed to give really great high quality audio but I never figured out what it attaches to or how it attaches to it.  So that's still in a box somewhere.
    I feel like those two things could be keystones in starting a new life as a Hoarder.  Two good things to form a basis for taking that road in life.  So we'll see how that pans out is the point.  What else is going on.  Working my way back up in poker over the lat few days.  All those RND Poker thoughts are really paying off!  Let me give you a taste of Poker RND thoughts from the last few days--

    [4/23/19] - Primary Goal-- Stay Above $205 TWO WEEKS FROM NOW- (Up til 1st Day of Comedy Class
                     Secondary Goal-- Get up to $305 in same time period (win ~5 dollars a day on average)
                     Tertiary Goal-- Get up to $255 or $280 (other round numbers to aim for)

    4/23/19 [later] PLAY TIGHT, CONSERVATIVE, BY THE BOOK! ...

    Heh, here's another note I like...

    [4/25] --  HAIR CARE-- just shaved, GET Haircut Next weekend, 2-3 days before class starts.

    Also I had a bunch of notes on what T-shirts to wear for the duration of comedy class.  The point is Circle Walking is slowly bubbling over into driving me further insane beyond just the actual circle walking.  I blame everything on circle walking from this point on in my life.  Anyway.  Also-- Poker Update For You Guys-- I'm at $284 right now!  So man oh man have I destroyed the tertiary goal and am very much on track to get to that secondary goal (and, of course, totally been obliterating the Primary Goal, but the whole point of making that the Primary Goal is to make sure I don't make negative progress to the point I can't even succeed at the primary goal.
    I love it!  Anyway, what else is going on.  I now have one more contact lens for my right eye than I do for my left eye.  Gotta wonder if that'll pay off in the long run.  ~9th paragraph, depending on how you count.  I'm counting this as the 9th paragraph, okay?  I'm really interested in seeing the new Avengers movie because I like the idea of it being the last Avengers movie.  It's about time that cinema moves on from these jerks and I wanna front row seat to send them off!  Anyway I don't know.  Gonna take a walk when this is over hopefully but I still got aways to go.  I have a tiny bit of alcohol left that I could finish during this entry.  I think I'll do that for some reason starting now! 
    Been alternating between watching Twilight Zone and Tales From The Crypt on my Computer/Temporary-TV.  It's good because I enjoy those shows and they entertain me when I watch them.  That tends to be what I get out of consuming media entertainment.  Gonna also open a 5/10 cent table in poker right now.  Just to keep things moving.  Anyway, jeez, another 11 paragraphs?  I guess.  I don't need to, though.  I could top off at 15 overall, whose to say what's right and what's wrong in today's complicated world.  Perhaps the most relatable part of the Guided By Voices book is this guy GETS titles.  I feel like if I'm on the same wavelength as anyone in the world regarding titles, it just may be Robert Pollard.  Not to say our titles come from the same place-- they don't.  In many ways our titles are worlds apart.  But we both recognize that Titles B Important or Something Like That.
    Anyway.  I've been waiting ~16 months for a new TV.  At this point I forget if it was originally conceived as a 29th birthday present or a graduation gift for winning Queens College.  Either way it was a simpler time back then when promises made were promises kept and whatnot.  Anyway.  What else!  It was just raining really hard for 10 minutes when I brought my Chair Pieces in and I was like good thing I'm writing an entry, I don't wanna take an afternoon walk in this.  Then it stopped and I'm all like, this may be my one window to take an afternoon walk without getting soaked.  Do I dare take a break from crazysheet or let it ride.  My guess is keep going doing whatever you want.
    Sure.  I think I would have a much easier time starting working on music again if I had at least one other person to play with me or at least motivate me.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Some of us have solitary missions in life and such is life ya know.  The point is I don't know if Robert Pollard actually is guided by voices in the sense that I and other mentally ill people sometimes are but one would imagine they might cover that in the 2nd half of the book possibly?  Otherwise we can only speculate I guess.  The next paragraph will be 13.  I'm telling you now so don't complain when it starts.
    Hi.  Good chance I'll tap out at 15 paragraphs, meaning we got three more, so lets make it count.  There was a period of a couple of months in 2009 where I really put in an effort to listen to as many complete Guided By Voices albums as I could find online at the time and give it a good go of it but it never really clicked for me.  I mean, there's one or two dozen songs individually that I really like, but I never warmed up to the entire album experience.  Oh well, such is life and whatnot.  Also, interesting side note-- that period of 1 or 2 months was the last time (and, well, only other time) in my life I was doing a lot of Circle Walking.  True Story!
    Life has come Full Circle.. Walking.  Hey GBV came up with a good title for you Full Circle Walking get back to me.  Actually, you don't even need to get back to me.  Just use it, no communication with the originator required!  Hey GBV came up with a good title for you Communication With The Originator just think about it.  Alright, alright, this can go on forever.  So let's see, what paragraph we into now.  14?  Great, great, just great.  Started raining hard again so that's something to consider I guess.  Either way I'm done after the next paragraph.  I remember back in 2009 actually finding many GBV song titles scary.  One off the top of my head, Tractor Rape Chain.  Yeesh.  Gives me the willies. 
    Okay time to wrap it up.  This April has been the most prolific month of crazysheet in a while.  I think it's partly because of you figure it out all the clues are there in the entries why should I have to tell you what I think.  Cool!  Anyway been eating bagels a little bit this month is the real takeaway from this month.  Probably like 3 or 4 bagels in the past four weeks.  After maybe 1 in the past 4 or 5 years!  I'm back with bagels and it's lovely, it really is.  It's confusing how there's a hole in the middle because I don't know if I'm supposed to mime chewing when I get to the hole just to be consistent or what but either way hey the entry is over whatta D/D+!  I'll take it!  See ya later.


Monday, April 22, 2019

Breaking The Law

    Eye Contact Not-Quite-a-Doctor said that during the trial period of trying on contacts, I'm to increase the amount of time I'm wearing contacts each day by an hour each day.  Today I should be up to 5 hours.  I'm almost at six right now with no end in sight!  Hah!  Sight!  Hah!  End!  HA!  IN!  I figure I'll write this entry On Contacts just for fun and then take 'em out.  Wearing contacts instead of glasses is truly like being on some sort of psychoactive drug.  I literally see the world differently, the world sees me differently, and I can't get enough of it!  Gimme some more of the Contact High!  Hah!  More puns! 
The point is don't report me to the Eye Police.  Not to be confused with the iPolice, which will replace the American Government as our new authority figures in the 2040's.  That's right, the entire Earth will become a subsidiary of Apple.  One would imagine.  And people'll be like Hmm some stuff about Apples in the Bible I wonder if they were predicting this.  And then other people will be like quiet they're iListening to you!  Also every verb, noun, and adjective will have to be preceded by an, "i," and the first other letter will have to be capitalized.  For example, that sentence will read,  Also every i-Verb, i-Noun, and i-Adjective i-Will i-Have to be i-Preceded by i-An, -"I,".... and so on and so forth and whatnot.
We're finally starting to talk about impeachment!  I love it.  I was thinking about it, and, yeah, obviously Trump has obstructed justice.  And it's not an arcane legal term that we can go Hah!  GOTCHA!  YA OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  All it means is there was justice to be doled out and Trump said nope, I will prevent that justice from being done!  I'll Obstruct it!  Plus, my obstruction of justice will be particularly aided by my immense powers and influence as president.  There could be justice, sure-- but I'll obstruct it!  Me, Trump!  That Guy Whose President For Now! 
    I still think the best example is Trump going on TV saying he fired Comey for opening the Russia Investigation.  The Russia Investigation was to determine possible coordination and/or collaboration between Russia and the Trump Campaign, and use the results to produce justice.  Then Trump went on TV and said you know that comprehensive, unbiased, and totally 100% legitimate investigation they're talking about?  I chose to obstruct that by firing Comey.  I wanted him to be loyal to me, he showed he wasn't, so I fired him!  Also, let this be a lesson to future people-- ya better be loyal to me as opposed to being loyal to justice or else I'll get rid of ya!  I'm admitting it on TV in front of everybody now so people will be so flabbergasted and not know how to react or process it. 

    By the way, just for reference, here's the quote I'm referring to--

Trump told NBC's Lester Holt: "And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made-up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won'."

    Fact-- By his own admission, Trump fired Comey while considering This Russia Thing [You know, that legitimate investigation to determine facts and how to pursue justice?]  Now, one could possibly argue that this isn't obstruction in and of itself-- because I suppose you could argue for it to be obstruction it would have to involve having an effect on the investigation from that point on-- which it may have or may not have, I'm not well informed enough.)  Maybe it's not obstruction if its firing him after the fact, so to speak-- I guess it depends on whether his firing would directly impact the forthcoming investigation.  BUT by admitting that he fired someone for pursuing justice, on TV in front of everyone of all places, he sends a clear signal to other people working in government:  Don't pursue justice, be loyal to me.  Or else you're gone.  That's right, you heard me.  I just said it.  No justice!  Loyalty!  What Else Is On TV.
I'm not a lawyer but I like thinking of it that way because you could argue it wasn't obstruction until he decided to do that interview.  It was the interview itself that was obstruction!  Hah.  Makes me laugh, at least.  Anyway what else is going on.  What paragraph are we into, lets get into some yuck-em-ups.  Still thinking of bits for Stand Up Comedy Class.  I came up with some sort of joke where I'm like I'm trying to move from becoming a child into becoming an adult-- I'm transitioning! or something like that.  I like it because it's an obvious and hacky joke which I would hate if I saw someone else say it, but if I say it, brilliant it's great don't change a thing!
I was re-watching Poltergeist: The Original on my computer Netflix a few nights ago.  I think Earth continuing to burn fossil fuels in the face of global warming is a lot like that scene where the guy in Poltergeist scrapes off his face bit by bit in the mirror.  There's gotta be better analogies than that.  But it does do a good job conveying how fuckin' gruesome it is.  We're just fuckin' going nuts ruining the planet for an incalculable number of species, obviously including ourselves, and for what?  Really, what?  I don't get it.  Just stop, humanity.  It's not that hard!  Just do it.  Listen to Nike! 
    I wonder what kind of world we would live in if the little girl from the Poltergeist franchise had survived into adulthood.  What kind of movies would be made in the 1990's, 2000's, and 2010's that would have been designed to be vehicles for that person.  It would have changed everything!  Hey that girl from Poltergeist is all grown up now and is in Sophisticated and possibly Sexy roles and whatnot!  It's an alternate universe that we'll never know.  I suppose the next paragraph will be the ninth.  Anyway.  Contacts, Comedy Class, and Chairs.  The three, "C's," of me improving my life this month.  Oh, also, I'm getting a new chair.  I should have made that clear beforehand.
    I have wrist beforehand.  I don't know about you guys.  That's how it works for me.  Anyway, still without a cigarette for 3 and a half weeks.  Whatta joy.  Not 100% happy with The Three, "C's."  The first two start with a, "Kah," sound, good, but the third is a, "Ch," sound, doesn't really go with the first two.  Comedy Class and Contacts, there's something there, but when you throw in chairs to try to pad it into a 3some instead of 2some you ruin some of that alliteration magic.  It's a tradeoff and I don't think you're getting the best of it.  Anyway.  Last time I was hospitalized the chief psychiatrist of the unit was a Dr. Lau.  Pronounced, "Law."  Terrifying.
Doctors and Law?  It's the most terrifying team up since Alien and Predator decided to team up against Freddy and Jason!  Either team.  They're both terrifying.  And Doctors and Law apparently don't surpass that terror, it's only the most since then.  Anyway what else was I talking about.  I love the idea of getting a new, comfortable chair, and I also love the idea of always walking in a circle during free time.  It's very, very hard to reconcile these two competing views of my future.  I've certainly given myself a lot to think about is the point, but ultimately I think its best to leave myself with options.  Get the chair, so each day, each hour, each minute, I'll have the opportunity to choose between Great Chair and Walky Walk Walk.
    11th paragraph!
  Theoretically halfway through the entry.  I'm down about 60 dollars in poker from last week but I've also saved 70d dollars in No Cigarettes over that same time period.  But I can't just continually use the Saving Money From No Cigarettes reasoning because after a while it'll get old.  Also, I'm choosing to conceptualize things like this--  Poker Money, if it's around where it is right now, pay for the Contact Lenses for a year + initial consultation.  And from the day I quit smoking to the first day of comedy class, the amount saved is almost exactly what the comedy class would cost.  And the chair-- well, the chair is a gimme.  My parents gave me the chair because I was like gimme.
Also, good for posture!  If my parents didn't get me a new chair, my posture would become terrible and they'd be negligent parents!  You're 30 years old.  At some point it's on you to take care of your posture.  Yeah, probably!  But for now, it's not!  They don't mind a bit for now!  Probably!  If they do they keep it to themselves!  And talk to each other about it at night, after I've gone to sleep, in their bedroom in hushed tones!  And then when morning comes around the next day they do there best to hide their worry and concern for my chance at a future where I'm not reliant on them!  Suckas!
    Also, good for paragraphs.  13th now.  Sometimes I really wish I knew what was going on in R Lee Ermey's head.  Well, I see he died last year, so I guess nothing.  But I wonder what was going through R Lee Ermey's head while he was still alive, post Full Metal Jacket, and while he was doing all these bit parts, often as sorta-comedic-relief in Horror movies.  I mean, it's not jut me, right?  He provides comic relief, doesn't he?  Mostly because a lot of it is parodying his own role in Full Metal Jacket.  Which was presumably based on his real, own experience in the military.  So there's so much going on in his persona and oeuvre and I just really wonder what was going on in his head with all that going on.  How he conceptualized himself as an actor and what he was contributing to the medium of film and/or pop-culture.
    Also, hey, what else is going on.  Now that I think about it, maybe I'm crazy and there's no comic-relief element to his roles, I just conjured that out of thin air.  I think the support for that idea, though, is initially it's like Hey what the hell is that guy doing in this movie?  I thought he wasn't even a real actor.  Now he's acting... Oh, it's a joke.  They put him in there as a joke.  Yeah, he's actually pretty good, but he's sort of existing outside the reality of the movie, hence making it a relief to see him as a respite from the rest of the terror in the movie.  A comical relief one might say! 
    15th paragraph! 
I went into this entry considering having a few drinks, and I just started one lat paragraph, and think I'm probably gonna limit it to jut that one for today!  Prove me wrong!  Man oh man have I been chewing a lot of gum lately.  I'm talking 20-30 pieces a day, probably.  I think nicotine gum is probably a scam.  Just chew regular gum if you wanna quit smoking.  Chewing nicotine gum will provide no greater help than non-nicotine gum, yet it will keep you addicted to nicotine.  Probably.  I don't have all the medical numbers and whatnot but that's my uneducated-completely-based-on-my-own-experience guess.
    Five paragraphs to go theoretically.  Now it's been seven hours with the contacts in.  Supposed to be five.  Figure I'll finish this entry within another hour, then take 'em out, that shouldn't be too bad.  I've been having the experience where when I put the contacts on at first, for one or both eyes there's a bit of discomfort for like 5 minutes, which isn't good, but then after 5 minutes there's no discomfort, which is good.  Will you relay this information to some sort of doctor and have him e-mail me a response?  My e-mail is some sort of combination of letters and figures which you can maybe guess on your own, maybe not.  Either way, if you can't guess it, maybe this doctor we're considering can, so have him get back to me either way.
    Huh.  How about that.  I don't know.  The bad news is when I'm writing these entries I'm not walking around in a circle.  I may be able to make that work, but for now, it seems like walking and chewing gum at the same time-- you know, impossible?  Balderdash-- that's exactly what my life revolves around!  I'm not even joking-- walking while chewing gum is my life.  That's why I'm chewing so much gum, not because of it replacing cigarettes.  It's to make the circle waking more bearable.  Chew some flavorful gum while doing it!  Makes it easier!  Of course, I often think, hmm, chewing too much gum.  To compensate for this one piece of gum, I'm gonna Circlewalk an extra One Minute to burn off the calories of that there piece of gum.
It's always a blast in Michael's Life.  That's me!  Anyway, 18th paragraph!  For some reason I have a 12 pound weight single-hand dumbbell type thing in my room, I guess as a remnant from when it was my brother's room, so I do random 10 or 20 lift sets with that here and there throughout the day.  I assume it's 12 pounds.  It has the number 12 on it and seems like about a bowling ball weight, which I'm under the impression is in the teens of pounds if I remember correctly.  So the point is Michael is a dumbbell and the number 12 is involved for some reason which we can only speculate can be explained by bowling.
    Penultimate paragraph!  Been watching a lot of [Original] Twilight Zone lately.  I'm watching them in order, and of the first 2 dozen or so episodes, about 80% of them have to do with astronauts.  I guess Rod Serling was just really into astronauts and the idea of astronauts and I wonder what astronauts are like and astronauts so to speak.  So the point is great what else is going on.  Hey I wrote this entry in like an hour and a half.  I have noticed writing quicker entries since I've stopped smoking.  Perhaps just because I'm not wasting time putting out the cigarette ashes and inhaling on them cigarettes and lighting new cigarettes and whatnot.  Lotta saved time there.
    Cool!  Man, I'm really happy with writing this entry quickly, because now it opens up all sorts of time to walk in a circle some more.  I love it!  Anyway the point is Comedy Class is creeping up and I'm really excited about it for some reason I don't 100% understand yet recognize will not be satisfied once class does start and I'll realize my excitement was misplaced!  So I got that to look forward to one would imagine if it had made better sense grammatically that one could look forward to something that doesn't make sense!  Well, that sums that up.  Hey, Earth Day happened.  Coincided with Marijuana Day and Hitler's Birthday.  I guess that sums up Humanity pretty well.  Earth, Hitler, and Weed.  2 out of 3 stuff being good ain't bad!  I'll see ya later.

-3:18 P.M.


Friday, April 19, 2019

I Came Up With This Title on Friday!

        Good. I came up with that word-sentence on Friday, too.  As well as this.  Alright, that's it.  After italics, we're gonna be in Saturday.  Hey it's 4/20!  I came up with that on Friday, too.  It's not actually 4/20 yet.  Which is a good thing because now I have several hours to mentally prepare for the reality of it being 4/20 soon.  Anyway.  Why am I not just writing an entry now?  I make an interesting point.  Hmm, if I do write the entry today, on Friday, then the whole bit about it actually being Saturday, April 20th, is wrong.  But probably logical enough that you can follow what's going on without being too confused.  So let's just run with that and write the entry now.
Good.  Now, you see the heading says it's Friday, then the title is I Came Up With This Title on Friday! and you're like Yep, that would have been my first guess.  Good for you.  Nothin' surprising there!  Anyway I'm wearing contact lenses now, but really should take them out in ten or fifteen minutes.  Saw the Not-Quite-Ophthalmologist-But-Higher-Than-An-Optometrist earlier today and he set me up with some contact lenses.  For the first week, I'm supposed to start only wearing them 2 hours a day, and work my way up to all day after a week.  So I got that going for me.  It's a lot of fun because I can look in the mirror and be all like Hey that's what I look like these days without glasses.  Hey how 'bout that.  Not bad! 
Anyway.  Mueller Report [Redacted Version] came out yesterday and it was a real thrill to be included in it. 

Priebus recalled that McGahn said that the President had asked him to "do crazy shit,"

    The point is this was the report the studio wanted to put out and I can't wait to see the extended director's cut!  Not really.  Kinda lost interest in this whole deal.  Turns out Trump isn't a Russian asset, he did obstruct justice, and thank God Mueller made us realize how grateful we should be for Republicans!  That's the spin that's gonna grow out of this report and will end up being Republicans' narrative post-Trump.  Thank God we had these responsible Republicans to not carry out Trump's worst impulses.  Look at all the people around him who stopped him from breaking the law!  Wait a second who wrote this report again.  A Republican!  Well, I'm convinced!
    Of course it will even extend to the senate and everyone outside the administration and whatnot.  We saved you from Trump.  Now that's some gaslighting to look forward to, friends.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Hey, as of an hour and a half ago, a full 3 weeks without a cigarette! And you all doubted me presumably!  It's my base perception that everyone is always doubting me.  That's the default mode for how people think on me.  Well I Kinda Doubt Him To Be Honest, is anyone and everyone's first reaction to the idea of me.  Gotta take out contacts after this paragraph.  Damnit!  I love wearin' em.  I feel real cool what with my .5 4 Eyes and short hair and whatnot.  Awlright, I can put 'em on again tomorrow.
    I never really got the term 4 eyes.  Glasses just don't really look like extra eyes to me.  I don't see a guy wearing glasses and am like WOAH!  I SEE HIS TWO REAL EYES AND THOSE GLASSES MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE'S GOT TWO ROWS OF EYES!  DOUBLE EYES!  FOUR EYES!  Also I never grew up with the term.  I jut know it from TV and whatnot.  Anyway, what else is going on, what paragraph are we in.  Fifth!  I didn't really want to write an entry today but I started anyway.  I was filled to the brim with confidence what with that contact lenses, and now they're not in anymore, and I'm back to being Clark Kent instead of Superman.  Pretty sure the entire Superman franchise is just one prolonged advertisement for contact lenses.  Prove me wrong!
    They might not have had contact lenses when Superman burst onto the scene.  Mightashoudlawoulda!  Get out of my website!  Is there a Four-Eyes Superhero where the plain version of the guy doesn't wear glasses, and then when he transforms into a super hero, he suddenly puts glasses on?  You'd think such a franchise would exist to be a prolonged advertisement for glasses.  Also, I'm under the impression that everything that exists is just a prolonged advertisement for something else.  Prove me wrong!  Anyway, I don't know.  I've been without a TV for almost a full week, and I love it!  It seems like consuming niche podcasts instead of TV would be more rewarding, right?  I can listen to stuff that's actually thought provoking, more in tune with my tastes and opinions, and more relevant to my life.
    Uh-oh, I figured it out.  Now TV People are gonna be upset with my new realization and sharing it with people and whatnot.  Oh well, what can you do.  GIF of Chris Tucker with the text Not a Damn Thing!  Talk about a Good Friday!  Anyway, what else is going on.  Poker has been optimal.  Last few days just been playing at the lowest stakes just to keep myself busy while walking in a circle and whatnot.  Lost the drive to really gamble.  Just satisfied with wading in the water around my current bankroll and just using it as an idle distraction.  Cool!  What paragraph is the next paragraph.  Eighth?  Yeah!  It will be!  I was right!  Anyway, let's get into it.
    Hi!  Started reading the Guided By Voices book.  I don't wanna sound like a jerk but Robert Pollard sounds like kind of an asshole.  That's my takeaway from life.  I still wanna get a new TV, but just watch it more responsibly.  I can watch the Met games and whatnot.  Not much gaslighting there.  Other than to get me to support The Mets: The Baseball Team.  But I'm already there.  Been gaslighted as such since 1999, 2000.  I'm pot committed to supporting The Mets: The Baseball Team at this point.  Also, I'm overusing the term gaslight.  What I really mean is I don't wanna fall into a narrative of life that just revolves around TV.
    Watching, lets say, The Colbert Late Night Show, they're not aggressively trying to get me to participate in TV Daily And Weekly Schedule and follow their narrative of the news and entertainment.  They're probably just passively doing it.  But either way, if I watch it four times a week, that becomes how I think about things, the kind of entertainment I consume, and the cultural wavelength that I'm constantly on.  And there are worse cultural wavelengths to be on than one hosted by Stephen Colbert, but still, there's gotta be healthier and more productive ways to go about living one's life.  That's my current opinion and whatnot.  You do realize in two weeks I'm gonna be back to watching TV 10 hours a day, right?  This is just a passing flight of fancy imagining not watching TV all the time.
But in the mean time, yeah!  Great!  I'll walk in a circle to some podcasts hosted by Aimee Mann/Ted Leo!  What do you mean there are only eight episodes and I've listened to seven?  No!  This podcast will last me the rest of my life listening to it 4 hours a day!  FOREVER!  FOREVER!  ME TED AND AIMEE FOREVER.  I don't know, something along those lines, right?  It's not really  Me Ted And Aimee.  It's Ted Aimee And Guest With Me Watching [Listening].  I'm not really part of the equation in the actual content of the thing, but I am part of it in my personal interpretation and consumption of the content.  Cause I'm Me.  I feel like that makes a bit more sense, right?
Presumably about halfway through the entry.  I got that going for me and whatnot.  Presumably there's dozens and dozens of other podcasts I may like even more than this current podcast I've been listening to, so Podcast Consumption as a primary means of spending my idle time is probably sustainable.  Really, it probably is!  So, anyway, I got that going for me and whatnot.  Also, there's probably an element to this that's I'm Angry At TV For Not Giving Me A Writing Job!  So, Fuck Off TV!  I Don't Want You Either! I think interpreting things kind of that way is pretty appropriate as well.
  Just saw Elizabeth Warren called on the house to start impeachment proceedings and Nancy Pelosi was like Nah we're not gonna do that.  You'd think we'd live in a world where The Republicans would be the ones protecting Trump from impeachment, and not Nancy Pelosi and House Democratic Leadership, but oh well such is life welcome to the real world.  Next paragraph is #13.  We're 50 minutes away from ordering dinner and presumably an hour and 45 minutes away from consuming dinner.  And I'm using the royal we.  Something about Prince Harry playing video games with the Royal Wii.  I may be about over-a-decade too late to make that pun, the Wii may not be a thing anymore.  Who knows!  Not me!  I'm busy knowing other things!
    Cool.  I Do Crazy Sheet all the time even without Donald Trump asking me too!  In fact, if he did ask me to, I probably wouldn't do it!  So maybe he's using some good ol' reverse psychology on me by not asking, I don't know, but I've given myself a lot to think about in this one rambling.  Can't wait to put them contact lenses on again.  Today I put 'em on for 2 hours in the afternoon.  Tomorrow, the time they're on gets bumped up to three hours, and I think I'm gonna go with putting them on in the morning.  Feels like one way to go about things in life, right?  I guess.  Anyway.  Hah 4/20.  That's Hitler's birthday.  I remembered that piece of trivia and then I just googled it and it turned out to be correct.
    Googling, "Hitler's Birthday," felt weird.  For the first millisecond, it felt weird because what am I, pro-Hitler, researching his birthday like I wanna celebrate it?  And then that quickly morphed into 'Hitler's Birthday' is just a weird phrase, like it could be a band name or something.  Or maybe some kind of The Producers song.  I don't know, it just feels like there's something to Hitler's Birthday that I'm not quite grasping but there's definitely something there.  Kind of a juxtaposition of the possibly evilest person of the last 100 years and hey it's his birthday!  Bring out his two dozen closest friends!  Start singing that copyrighted song that I can't legally go into without paying them royalties!  Have Hitler blow out his candles!
Now we're getting somewhere.  What else is going on.  I think I know what Hitler wished for.  But if I say it, it won't come true.  Probably should say it, then.  It was for No More Jews.  Eh what can ya do.  I said it, thus negating it, that's my small contribution to the world I guess.  15th paragraph!  Now we're gettin' somewhere.  My favorite way to read books is to take the glossy jackets off them when I read them.  I can't stand them glossy book jackets!  I like the good ol' fashioned brick-and-mortar feel of a book with no jacket!  I'll put it back on when I'm done reading the book and return it to some sort of shelf or bookcase, fine!  But while I'm using it, no jacket, no way!  Sure I know what, "Brick-and-Mortar," means!  It means something close enough to what I want to convey without it being actually appropriate to use!
  Jeez.  75% done with entry, will almost definitely be finished before eating dinner, then I get to make up some lost walking-in-circle time tonight.  Wonderful.  I was just thinking about the term Judeo-Christian, how right wing people use it all the time in the sense that it describes our alliance to Israel and whatnot, and you know what?  It's kind of really insulting.  We Christians have usurped Judaism.  Now you're just an alliance-offshoot of Christianity we currently choose to tolerate!  We're a team!  I may not be conveying exactly how I find it insulting perfectly, but lemme think on it for a while, cause there's something there.  There's some sort of sense of it being condescending, I don't know. 
Then again, who cares, religion is stupid, anything religion-adjacent is stupid, even just talking about religion is stupid.  In fact, now that I think about it, everything is stupid.  There is not a single thing in our multiverse that isn't, in a sense, really stupid.  So we got that going for us is the point.  17th paragraph!  Anyway.  Pretty sure I haven't gone this long without smoking a cigarette since I started smoking cigarettes in Fall 2009.  The longest stretches were when I was hospitalized, the last time of which was in Spring 2012, and I'm pretty sure that was only a week or two, not three weeks.  So the point is I'm Great And Now My Life Is Different For The Better One Would Confidently Assume.
    Then again, who cares, my life is stupid, anything my life-adjacent is stupid, and even just talking about my life is stupid.  What else is going on.  The point apparently is My Life is My Religion.  Kinda makes sense now that I think about it.  My life does sort of revolve around My Life to perhaps an unhealthy degree.  Anyway, jeez, what else is going on.  I got two and a half paragraphs to go to finish this crap.  Pretty comfortable with the weight my body is at now, but will continue to lose a few more pounds just to put the icing on the cake and so I will then feel free to eat up all that icing on that there cake because I put in the extra effort to lose them last extra few pounds.  Circular logic makes sense to me!
    That barely qualifies as circular, and doesn't even come close to qualifying as logic.  Oh well what can ya do.  Not much!  That's Nancy Pelosi's stance on impeaching Trump.  Wait a second, you can try to impeach him.  Like I said what can ya do.  Do it.  I know that's what I'm saying we can't do anything.  He's committed an  incalculable number of impeachable offenses that we already know about, there's considerable public support for it, and every second further that he's our president without at the very least being challenged is a dangerous and unacceptable embarrassment.  But what can I do.  Anyway, jeez, one more paragraphs.  That's right.  Paragraphs.  What are ya gonna do about it?  Write a letter to the internet?  I'd like to see you try.
    Well this was an entry.  I guess.  20th paragraph is the point.  Just ordered dinner.  Everything timed perfectly.  Such is life.  I guess that's Pelosi's takeaway from Trump.  I agree He's A Dangerous Embarrassment, sure... but not Unacceptable!  I guess that's the difference.  Anyway, this entry sure was fun, I totally wrote it and whatnot.  Get to start wearing contacts all day a week from today.  I can't wait!  Except for how I Can Wait.  If I couldn't wait, I'd be in some trouble, because the Not-Quite-A-Doctor explicitly told me to wait, and if I disobey him, then where would I be.  Some sort of inescapable moral quandary which I brought upon myself.  I'll see ya later.

-6:12 P.M.  

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Fool, I'm All About Mornings

        That's why I'm always crashing people's funerals and wakes.  I get some sort of satisfaction there that I can't get anywhere else.  You know, like how Tyler Durden likes support groups?  What's another analogy to help you understand.  You know, like how Tyler Durden likes fight clubs?  Still not getting it, are you?  What's another example I can think of.  You know, like how Tyler Durden likes Marla Singer?  What I've learned from this paragraph is that, for all his emo-ness, Tyler Durden actually gets a lot out of life and has a lot going for him if only he'd take stock in all the things that give him joy.
    Anyway, morning entry.  Early morning!  Gotta mix it up.  Wrote last night's entry with the aid of 3 or so drinks, fell asleep an hour after finishing, woke up three hours after that, and have been up since.  I'm not tired or drunk or hung over or anything really.  I'm just up a little bit too early and have settled on Doing This as the appropriate course of action for now.  So that's what I got going on.  I was scribbling some bit about Jesus Was A Foodie while trying to fall back asleep earlier.  Something about how we all remember The Last Supper, but, c'mon, there was The Last Lots Of Stuff that I guess no one really cares about.  But Jesus loved them carbs so his lasting memory of his time on Earth'll be that last meal.
    I know it's a real phenomenon that when we give death row inmates their last meal, which they can pick whatever they want, as is the custom, 90% of the time it all just gets thrown out because they can't eat.  Presumably because they're scared of dying or something?  I don't have all the details.  I wonder if that applied to Jesus.  I'm under the impression he knew he was being betrayed or something and that his death was imminent.  So during The Last Supper was Jesus like, I'm not really hungry.  I wouldn't be able to keep anything down.  Or did he go to town, Shit, this is my last supper on Earth, I'm going out with a bang!  PASS THE BUTTER.
One mediocre one-off joke I came up with for potential use during 2 minute introduction of myself in Comedy Class deals with my Joke Notebook.  I've been writing down thoughts in the notebook and presumably will read from it, at least to start.  It's kind of a security blanket.  As long as I'm reading the joke in the book, I'm not reading the room, and as long as I'm not reading the room, I'll be happily oblivious to everyone else's indifference-bordering-on-disdain towards me.  But anyway, I had a bit where it's like, Why is this allowed in comedy and nowhere else?  You wouldn't want a Doctor carrying around a textbook when he's about to do surgery on you, going, "I totally got this, it's in chapter 16... ah, perfect, I have a lot of it highlighted, that's convenient...  You know, something along those lines.
    Anyway, what paragraph are we into.  Fourth is my best guess.  Fifth.  That woulda been my best guess had I guessed it.  But oh well what can ya do that's in the past now it's time to move on with our lives.  I find it really weird how all of us living organisms sleep so much.  I mean, as human beings, we all got a very finite amount of time on this planet.  Who decided we have to spend ONE FREAKING THIRD OF IT immobile and unconscious.  If you live 75 years-- congratulations, you spent 25 of those years just lying down unconscious.  Seems like kind of a waste.  Who Intelligently Designed That nonsense?  No one, that's who!  PROOF.
    Hey it's a new paragraph.  Also, I'm gonna continue on this rant, but I want to make it clear-- I am 100% sure there are good biological and physiological explanations for what I'm talking about.  But I DON'T KNOW THEM and IT PISSES ME OFF.  Oh, your body needs to recharge.  Just do it while you're awake in the background!  That's like saying I can't re-charge my phone unless the powers off.  Wrong!  I can re-charge it while it's on and I can send and receive calls all the while it's re-charging.  All I want is that our bodies be designed like apple products, I don't think that's asking to much.
    Seventh paragraph.  Figure I'll eat breakfast somewhere between being 50% done with entry and being 100% done.  Can't get any more specific than that without endangering me and my family!  Anyway.  I'm thinking about issuing a redacted version of a report of my little league statistics in baseball from the time I was eight through the time I was 12.  The only at bat un-redacted was that time I made contact and almost hit it out of the infield but the short stop jumped up and made a pretty good catch.  It also has reference to the time the coach put me in at second base for an inning out of pity and I successfully got in front of a ground ball, bobbled it a bit, allowed the runner to reach first base, but didn't let the ball go into the outfield. 
    In other words, No Collusion, No Obstruction.  I don't see how you can interpret my little league experience as anything other than a huge win for the Trump campaign.  Wait a second.  It just occurred to me.  Did Trump... Did Trump really name his kid, "Barron?"  Why would he do such a thing?  Was it a practical joke?  Did he figure shitty names build character?  Did he think his kid would somehow like having the name Barron?  And the other kids would respect a kid with that name?  What the Hell is going on there and how come the media has thus far not been asking any of these questions?
    I was a complete failure at little league baseball, but the recurring way that failure manifested itself, outside of obviously my at-bats that almost always only ended in (usually) strike outs  or (occassionaly) walks, was my lack of ability to throw the ball from the outfield to the infield.  Obviously they're playing me in the outfield cause I suck.  And at those ages, you might have to field one, maybe two balls in right field throughout a six inning game.  And, invariably, I would get in front of the ball, pick it up, throw it as hard as I can... and it gets maybe halfway to where the cut-off man is.  I just couldn't throw it any harder or further.  I needed a cut-off man for the cut-off man.
    Sure, I guess.  What else is going on.  10th paragraph!  I figure writing here in the morning is good practice in case I ever get a job where you have to write presumably in the morning sometimes cause that's usually when the working day starts these days.  I'm gonna split this entry into two parts for completely aesthetic reasons.  I am not taking any break after this paragraph.  I just feel like going you know what, these first 10 paragraphs, that was phase one.  I'm gonna go right into phase two now, but let's make it official.  The only way I know how.  AN EXTRA LINE OR TWO OF SPACE.


    Hey how about that.  One's gotta wonder if that'll play in the long run or something.  But, wondering-- that's phase one entry crap.  We're in the shit of it now!  No wondering allowed during phase two!  So great sure.  I got iced coffee about an hour ago and I drank it entirely by the time I got home.  So now, an hour later, I'm home brewing my own hot coffee.  I feel like I should win some sort of participation trophy or medal as such.  Apparently there's a picture of a black hole and it's driving people crazy and it's an amazing moment in science and I'm not buying it.  C'mon, black hole?  You can't see that.  What kind of rube do you take me for.  Now, if you had told me you're not gonna believe this, we got a radio signal from inside the black hole  for the first time ever AND IT'S A HUMANOID VOICE SPEAKING ENGLISH AND ITS SAYING "No Collusion, No Obstruction."  Now that'd I'd buy.
    Lots of different ways to interpret that paragraph.  It's like a mini 2001: A Space Odyssey.  My first instinct was to interpret it as ah, the black hole has something to say about our current events!  And then the second way I interpreted it was wait a sec so it turns out The Black Hole Is Trump.  Trump is a black hole.  But that's just me-- your guesses are as good as mine!  If we can see the black hole... does that mean the black hole can see us?  I'm scared.  Hold me tight.  Anyway, I guess we're getting deep into phase two of the entry.  Relatively speaking, at least, ya know, stuff like that.
    13th paragraph.  Eight paragraphs to go if I were gunning for 20 overall.  Sweet.  Hey I just lost money on poker.  That's the opposite of what I was going for!  Ain't life strange that way.  You want one thing to happen and then the opposite thing happens but in the end you're up in the morning doing God's Work writing blogs and it's all worth it in the end I feel that's my hot take on things.   Hey good for him he flops a straight.  I couldn't do that no matter how hard I try!  He earned that pot, good for him.  BARON, GET IN HERE. WHERE'S BARON.  BARON WHY DID MY OPPONENT FLOP A STRAIGHT?  BE HONEST WERE YOU IMPLICATED IN THIS SCAM?
    I get that Barron Trump has an extra, R.  I may choose to ignore this fact on a case by case basis.
  Cool.  I've got an interesting choice regarding today's breakfast.  I got a croissant from Dunkin Donuts-- that's choice #1.  I've also got half an order of Ham Steak and Eggs which manifests itself as half a ham steak (roughly, I dunno, 3, 3.5 oz of ham), half an order of egg whites (presumably .5 a portion of egg whites from 2 large eggs) a piece of rye bread, and there's also back-up home fries which probably would be skipped completely if this is the breakfast I choose. I'm at a complete loss.  How the hell does anyone ever decide anything?  
    15th paragraph.  I decided to eat the breakfast that just feels more like a real breakfast to me.  You know-- the complicated one.  If it's complicated, that must mean there's somethin' to it!  That's my theory.  Anyway.  Whattado with the rest of my day.  Lots of circlejerkinnN---i mean walking.  Circle walking.  That's right, that's all it is.   Some make a list for papa to get me items from super market!  Probably get more iced coffee later today from Dunkin Donuts.  Starbucks has already seen my face today.  And order Chipotle for dinner.  Life life life.  Such is life.  So much life.  Life life life.
    Five paragraphs to go!  I can't believe it.  Normally I wake up right around now.  8:21 AM.  I think if I remember correctly I usually have my alarm set for 8:15 or so on standard.  Coool!  I I'm not gonna eat no hash brown home fries nonsense with my ham steak.  I don't need it!  I got enough breakfast as it is Thank You Very Much.  Anyway what else is going on in the wide world of sports.  I was no good at little league baseball as a pre-teen, but when I did baseball for one semester at Stuyvesant, I was one of the better players.  I always played as catcher because I liked being involved.  And the gym teacher referred to me as The Captain I guess because either he saw some latent leadership qualities in me or he deduced that calling me The Captain would inspire me to do better in life thanks to him believing in me and guess what It All Worked.
    Anyway, 17th paragraph.  You know what that means.  Pretty self explanatory.  Coool.  Figure I'll be eating breakfast ~same time this entry ends.  Then we're in for some serious circle walkin'.  I may be down 22 dollars since last night in poker but at least I have more paragraphs written.  Gotta take the good with the bad, right Barron?  Hmm.  I don't know what Barron Von Trump looks like but is it safe to assume he's pretty much got an AJ Soprano vibe going on?  Before AJ Soprano lost weight and grew a goatee and whatnot?  Like, a very young AJ Soprano.  That'd be my educated guess.
    What else.  Gotta take food out of the oven in about 10 minutes.  Foods not gonna take itself out of the oven!  If it did, OH SHIT SOMETHING WENT WRONG.  SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU IN THE OVEN FOOD WHEN YOU ARE NOW CLEARLY ANIMATED WITH LIFE.  So I'll do that after I'm done with this paragraph.  I've been awake for six hours after only sleeping for three or four hours but it doesn't feel like it.  Just feels like any other day except instead of not having an entry written before 9:00 AM I do have an entry written before 9:00 AM.  And you all doubted me!  Hah, great.  Two paragraphs to go which will be written while I am consuming breakfast. 
    Oh man I made the right choice with breakfast.  I got like a nice little open faced sandwich thing going on with the egg whites and the toasted rye bread.  I had been eating the ham steak separate but you know what I could add that to the open face sandwich situation and really triple up on flavors.  It's just fun  at this breakfast I devised.  Anyway.  Now the question is what to do with that dumb croissant.  Either have it for breakfast tomorrow or maybe split it into 2 afternoon snackenings which would pair well with some coffee.  Well I'm done eating.  Now all that's left to do is write one more paragraph.
    Jeez.  Gotta figure out life more than I thought I had.  It can't all be entry is progress because its not.  Entries are entries, that's all.  Progress is progress.  And I don't know how to get to the first progress to achieve ultimate progress.  It's tough!  Sometimes you just have to put your faith in the universe and right now all the universe seems to be telling us is Hey Ya'll Wanna Check Out a Black Hole?  Also a lady figured it out #JustSayin'.  Hmm can I start trending a hashtag of #JustSayin'?  What sort of paperwork do I have to file to start a hashtag.  Whatever, e-mail me all the forms, I'll get to it eventually.  I'll see ya later. 

-9:08 A.M.


Monday, April 15, 2019

Happy New Week

        Alt Title:  Now That's What I Call Crazysheet!, Volume: Whatever.  It's a real choose your own adventure day when it comes to titles!  Well, not really.  It's abundantly clear which one is the real title and which one is the afterthought.  I wish it didn't end up this way for the Alt Title but such is the world we live in Whatever.  I'd like to do a survey of White Supremecasts, polling them, asking:  For What Word Is the, "Alt," in, "Alt Right," short for?  I'm guessing the answers would be as funny as they would be varied.  Who am I to talk, I don't know what word it's supposed to be.  Alterior, that's my best guess.  They have Alterior Motives. 
    Oh, alternative.  I just got that!  Turns out I'm a brilliant!  Also, the misspelling I swear I did unintentionally last paragraph, "White Supremecasts," sounds like a real fun podcast idea.  That's my theory.  I would find it funny if there was a White SupremeCast and then they weren't getting very good Internet Ratings and then Jews replaced them with latinx podcasters.  I think they'd be okay with that, because even though they no longer have a podcast, at least their world view would be validated in the process.  And that's all any alt right person can ask for, right?
    Alt Right, just like Alt Rock.  Alt means alternative.  Now I get it!  Also, it was a real thrill to be able to use the word latinx in the last paragraph.  First time, long time for me.  First time user, long time fan of the word.  Yup!  Isn't Alt Right Left?  What's the alternative to right.  Left.  Or, if we're being generous with the possibilities, maybe center.  Or I guess backwards.  There we go!  That's what Alt Right means!  Backwards!  Crack'd That Code.  It makes Double Sense because Trump's slogan was and is Let's Go Backwards Or Something.  I Forget The Exact Words But You Guys Remember You Get The Idea.
Oh Hey I've been living super healthy lately.  Still no cigarettes, going on 17 days now.  Cleaned up my room pretty much 100%, which involved disconnecting my TV and whatnot.  To un-dust the surfaces, ya know, had to get rid of it.  So I've been living outside of TVLand (Concept With No Affiliation To The TV Channel TVland; Just My Way Of Referring To TV In General) for a good two or three days?  That's All It's Been?!?  I feel like I've been on a desert island for months and it's really been 48 hours without a TV.  Amazing.  Man oh man would I like to be on a Dessert Island.  Mmmm Tastes good just thinking about it!
    Huh.  Tried to start getting back into working on music, but it didn't go very well.  Earlier today, wrote 2 out of 3 verses for a song which I had recorded the music for a few weeks ago, and it was kind of fun and the lyrics are okay and it all makes a fair amount of sense, but it's just not who I am anymore.  I'm all about comedy nonsense!  Not music nonsense!  I feel very strongly about this.  No I don't.  I feel very strongly about not a lot.  What paragraph am I into.  Fifth!  Get a load of that crap!  Working out some jokenings and bitsywitsies for Comedy Class/Post-Comedy Class Doing Comedy.  Just gettin' some ideas down on paper and whatnot, ya'll know how we do.  Huh?  I'm pretending like I'm a real comedian by writing mediocre jokes down in a pocket notebook.  There.  Now does it make sense to you?
    It does but I wish it didn't.  I feel too much pity for me/you now depending on whether this is me talking to me or supposed to be some sort of you talking to me or maybe somehow it's me talking to you I don't know how that happened I got behind enemy lines or something but either way Hey what else is going on.  Doin' a little bit of drinking tonight.  Because it's fun!  I can't wait for Comedy Class so I can try to sneak in the term, "Bitsy-Wittsies," into conversation and see if it catches on!  It's good to have goals in life.  The most exciting part of my new and improved room is I have pretty much unlimited surfaces to write Crazysheet on.  My laptop, well, sure, its always on the laptop.  But it could be on my desk-thing by the window (where it had been for the last 7 or 8 years consistently), it could be at my old computer desk back when I had a desktop computer (where it is now!  amazing!  things are really mix-em-upped!), it could be on the surface where my TV used to be (maybe I'll try this for a future entry! too 'out there' for now though!  But one day I'll work up the courage to give it a shot!) and there are even other completely available surfaces like my night table and man it's a real embarrassment of riches in terms of clear surfaces I have immediate access to.
    Embarrassment of riches?  That's great!  I'm used to just the first part!
  Is the word embarrass actually somehow connected to the phrase bare ass because presumably we'd be embarrassed with our bare ass being exposed?  My guess is no but still really makes ya think.   You can't spell, "Embarrassment," without, "Me."  There's No, "I," in, "Whatever can I move on to the next topic?  Oh wait there's a few "I's" there."  Anyway, I don't know.  Doin' pretty good in poker as well.  Working my way back up to a more and more significant number.  Right?  Sure.  Lots of walking in a circle and I can tell I'm finally making some of that last progress needed to reach goal weight.  Just gotta keep doin' what I'm doin' for three weeks, then comedy class starts, and then I'll re-evaluate life.  But for now, the plan for the next three weeks is ya know this kinda stuff.  Lots of walking in circle, read some books, jokes would be a good thing to write, poker, you get the idea.
Now what paragraph are we at?  I bet it's eight or nine!!!!!!  Eighth.  Thank God.  If it was only the seventh, I would be unable to live with my shame.  I went out on a limb and said eighth or ninth and then to find out publicly it was only the seventh would be a traumatic experience to the extent that I'd probably give some serious thought to suicide.  It's the first resolution that jumps out at me were I to find out this was only the seventh paragraph.  Anyway what else is going on.  Oh Hey I saw Little.  It was pretty good!  At first I had mixed feelings about going alone to a movie where the main character is either a pre-teen or a barely-teen, but I summoned all my courage and did and it turns out it was just a regular movie and no one there thought I was a creep because it's mainly for adults anyway!  It's PG-13 you dolts!
    And the kid was really good in it!  It made me think back of me fantasizing about writing a movie or whatever about myself back in high school and it was like well this kid actually did it.  And knew what she was doing presumably.  Good for her is the point.  Most of my fantasizing about MY Movie when I was in high school was Ben Folds Five song playing at the climax.  That's about as far as I would get.  But still, it's a healthy way to process your environment and surroundings and situations when you're a young adult.  Just imagine you're in a movie about/made by/created for you.  Great way of puttin' shit together in a delusional yet ultimately healthy way!  I can't recommend fantasizing your life is a movie enough!
    I'm not joking!  Especially for young people, it's the way to go!  Anyway, what else is going on.  10th paragraph.  Figure 15 is most likely at this point, with 20 as the 2nd most likely, and anything between 15th and 20th in third, and anything less then 15th and/or more than 20th is last.  Huh.  Jeez.  It's kinda cool writing Crazysheet here at my Old Desktop Computer Desk, because this is where I wrote the original crazysheet.com!  2004-2006, this is where the magic happened.  So it's kind of a cool thing to do for me.  I'm literally 1 foot away from where I usually write.  YEAH BUT PERPENDICULAR.  YOU PER-PEN-DICKI'm fine with that.
Organized all my DVDS.  Which involved both the easier process of re-alphabetizing them and the harder process of matching loose DVDs to empty cases.  Turns out, of my ~180 DVDs, I've got about a dozen where the DVDs are still completely missing.  That's not so bad!  I would have expected a lot worse than it ending up like that.  Also, some people these days might be like Lol DVDs what a scam you can watch it all on Services now these days.  Well, I say to you, Now Whose Bein' Scammmed?!  Some of these DVDs they don't have on any services! So I'm the only person in the world who can watch these movies and you my friend just got scamm'd.  Also--director's commentary.  Have you ever wondered if the making of a film can be as captivating as the film itself?!  You have?!  Well-- Prepare to be disappointed, but still have an hour and a half of your time killed!   
I really don't get how the Columbia Record House deal is synonymous with Scam, because for me, it paid for itself many times over.  I had their equivalent for DVDs back in the mid 2000's, and really, it saved me a shit ton of money getting DVDs I truly wanted.  The first dozen you get for a penny, everyone knows that part.  And for the rest, Oh No!  I have to pay FIVE DOLLARS for a DVD of a movie I like and would be happy to add to my collection!  HOW TERRIBLE!  NOT!  IT WAS A GREAT DEAL AND I DON'T REGRET IT FOR A MOMENT!  THANK YOU COLUMBIA FOR ALL YOUR DVDS.  AND TO EVERYONE ELSE-- CONSIDER WHOSE REALLY GETTING SCAMMED!!! THE GUY PAYING FIVE DOLLARS FOR 100 DVDS OF MOVIES HE LIKED OKAY WELL ENOUGH OR THE FOOL MAKING HIM FEEL FOOLISH WHEN THEY IN FACT ARE THE FOOLS?
Hi it's a new paragraph.  The thirteenth!  Wonderful.  Anyway, 17 days without a cigarette, and each day the idea of smoking seems more and more foreign to me, so I think I'm getting to a point where I'm most likely successful with the no more smoking and whatnot.  Awesome!  I did it!  Let's give me a hand.  Hey now that I'm not smoking constantly I have more constant use of one of my hands.  Quitting smoking gave me a hand!  Now I've got 2 like the rest of you Normos!  Alright!   Just hit some sort of wall for writing this entry.  I think the word Normos threw me off.  I wrote that and then 10 minutes of blankness ensued.  The point is I blame you even if its not really your fault, it's still kind of your fault indirectly.  Thanks a lot you jerks.
    Hi again.
  Wow.  Eatin' dessert tonight.  A real dessert!  Now that I'm burning MAGA calories walking in circles I get to eat a slightly larger dessert each day than previous!  Gives me something to look forward to even if I don't need it at the time!  I can handle having  200 calorie dessert (say, a Pop Tart) instead of a 300 calorie one (say, a donut).  In the moment, doesn't make a huge difference.  But throughout the entire day, whatta difference!  Knowing during the day I'm gonna have a donut later tonight instead of a pop tart makes me feel a lot better overall throughout the day.  It's called being responsible you idiots!
    15th paragraph.  Going for 20 seems about right I guess.  More than, "About right."  Exactly Right!  No question about it!  19 isn't right.  21 ain't right!  20 is Ri-- wait 21 might be right, I do like them bonus paragraphs...  I've given myself a lot to think about.  The point is when this is over I take a bath or shower or something then get comfortable sleep comes soon after that it's all good.  I finished my donut.  Is life even worth living anymore?  Sure it is-- I get a tootsie pop when I lie down for sleep!  Alright life is worth living again!  I'm honestly pretty excited about Comedy Class starting.  I'm not gonna be the top dawg right out of the gate, but I feel like it's a good start for something that I may eventually be pretty good at.  And for the first time since graduating Queens College in December of 2017, I'm back on a track that seems somewhat productive and hopefully professionally so.
    What about all those music open mics I did.  Yeah, that was fun and productive too, but it always was associated with the past for me.  All the songs I did were from when I was 18 or 19 years old.  Sure I still fantasized about a future in music while I was doing them open mics, but none of it was new to me.  It was more like maybe hopefully this old stuff that I never had the balls/opportunities to perform in public before turns out to be a good enough for a basis for a career in music.  Whereas, for Comedy Class, its more like, maybe I can put together the skills to create new stuff that's potentially the start of something good.  In the meantime, though, WTF I WANT ANOTHER DONUT.
Four paragraphs to go.  Maybe I'll take a bath or something now.  Just to mix things up.  Then come back here afterwards.  I'll be back soon!  Hey I did that.  It was weird.  I just spent 20 or 30 minutes without talking to you!  How do I even know it existed.  There's no record of my thought process for that half an hour.  It was mostly hey I'm taking a bath.  Talked about that on website.  Hmm tomorrow I'll be losing more calories than today cause no alcohol consumption presumably.  Then we're back on track.  Even though today I estimate I'm operating at about a surplus/deficit (depending on how you look at it) of about 900 calories.  Burning 900 or so calories more than consuming.  That means, today alone, I just lost a quarter pounder.  In Mcdonald's' terms.  Yeah I thought all of that and this while in the bath.  Right now I'm in the bath.  Metaphysically. 
Something along those lines, anyway.  So now what paragraph are we into.  18th!  I can't believe it.  Someone try really hard to convince me!  I Can't Believe It!  Now it's time for you to step up!  Anyway.  Need to buy some new gum tomorrow.  Wintergreen is my favorite. :-).  Are kids these days even familiar with the concept of creating a smiley face out of existing typography characters?  Such as, ":-)?"  Or would they be like You have to use regular font characters?  That's like a baby's game!  Anyway this entry was sure a Hey It Exists What More Do You Want I'm Not Gonna Give Letter Grades Anymore They're Not Productive And They Just Make Entries Self Conscious.  Sometimes (Often) I fantasize about what my rankings would be if I had my choice of Any Writing Job I Want.  Like, how I would rank different shows.  It's fun to think about but not to share!  I don't wanna alienate any shows that would be at the bottom of my list but may potentially be reading this entry!
    So that's a blast.
  Jeez.  The list rankings are pretty much (1) anyone who will give me money/some sort of title that I can show to my family and friends that this was all worth it ultimately/but mostly just money I can live on to support myself in life and then (2) fine any show that'll make me write for them for free I don't care and I get no prestige from it no one will ever know either but at least I'm part of the team!  #1 is pretty ideal but in a pinch I'll settle for #2.  And then of course there's (3) a TV show that goes out of its way to mock me and make me feel bad and tells me explicitly to take my own life.  Again, not ideal, but in a pinch, I can live with that.
    Last paragraph.  What in the world.  It's 9:43 PM right now.  I started this entry around 7:20, 7:30.  Took a bath around 40 minutes ago or something.  Who can remember.  This has been our new recurring segment Time Talk, where we Talk About Time.  Anyway.  One thing I've been thinking about is I should write and record a new song with the mandolin.  But on the other hand eh I don't wanna have to do things.  Where's the fun in that?  Just let Things Happen To Me.  Don't go out of your way to do stuff.  Stuff'll just happen to you if you play your cards right!  The point is I'm done with the entry.  See you later, friends.

-9:45 P.M.     



Friday, April 12, 2019

Too Much of a Bad Thing

        I wouldn't say bad thing.  Just unnecessary!  Wait what thing are we talking about.  Use your intuition powers you dolt-- this thing!  Anyway, I'm 100% done with poker but only on the condition of buying that new Super Nintendo System with 20 games I know and love and play those games for the rest of my life.  Kind of makes playing poker obsolete, right?  And comedy class is in three and a half weeks.  So my thinking now is, I can do comedy class, play a bunch of Super Nintendo, and that'll be my life for the next period of my life.  Eating healthy, not smoking, getting exercise, wading into the stand up comedy waters, and playing Super Nintendo in my abundant time off.  Also, maybe even tricking myself into doing good new music!
    Seems like a good way to go with things, right?  It's the Super Nintendo that really holds it all together.  Before Super Nintendo, that life wouldn't make sense.  I could never have even conceived it properly.  But once you add Super Nintendo into the mix I go okay I get it now I see what I'm going for with that life.  Like Swingers, right?  NO NOTHING LIKE SWINGERS... SWINGERS HAD FRIENDS.  Anyway.  I think the corporate catchphrase for BitCoin should be We're So Money And You Don't Even Know It.  One would imagine that'll encourage some investment in their scam-nonsense-bullshit probably.  Bitcoin!  It's a scam!  Now back to me talking about boring nonsense to take up your time and convince you to hire me as some sort of creativo writtener....
Can a personal blog be a scam?  Well, on my end, I feel taken advantage of.  I was under the impression I would accumulate an audience if only I spent 7 years writing months and months and months of titles!  And that never panned out!  And you were tricked into wasting your time!  And, also, apparently having your own existence questioned.  I just said you don't exist!  You don't need to put up with that!  This has been no good for anybody!  Well lets go home now.  Hey I'm already there.  That was weird.  But what else is going on.  I like Beto O' Rourke's campaign strategy of I'm gonna make news by providing a sound bite of me saying something that no reasonable peson really questions at all but it will be designed to make people think I'm really going out on a limb speaking the truth and that  hey this paragraph is long enough.  See you in Hell!
    What else is going on.  I also like Elizabeth Warren's campaign strategy of introducing logical and reasonable policy proposals that make sense ethically, economically, and so on.  What?  I'm allowed to say I like something and I really do like it!  No sarcasm there!  Warren is the GILTVF.  Grandmama I'd like to vote for.  The one thing that really pisses me off, across many different candidates, is how the weaponize the language we use for family.  Auntie.  Mama.  I don't use either of those specific words, and you know what that means!  They don't either!  ITS A SCAM!  Trying to endear themselves to us by using slang terms for family members.  The funny part is that's my real visceral reaction whenever I hear Warren talk about her Mama or whatever.  But now with some perspective I can admit that it's just my brain being stupid.
Also, Warren isn't a Grandma I'd like to vote for.  She's younger than my parents.  I think that legally makes her my sister.  Or, as she might say, my Sissy Spacek. k.  k. k.  I KEEP DOING SPACE THEN K AND NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  Hah have fun trying to figure that one out!!  I pity you, the audience, trying to figure that one out.  But lets say you're great at riddles and figured it out and are now onto the next sentence.  Then I say, good on ya, and lets continue with the rest of the entry.  Gonna refill my coffee mug after this paragraph.  With more coffee.  Cause I finished the original amount of coffee that was in it.  Now its in my belly.  I thought it was important to make that clear.      
    Sixth paragraph.
  This is the new and improved Crazysheet-- more quantity, less quality!  Gotta trade somethin' off!  Writing bad entries is like going on tilt in poker.  You just gotta keep going because you need to erase the loss of the last time, but it keeps getting worse and worse and before you know it you have seven years worth of Hah Swingers and pretty soon you realize you're 50 years old and living with your parents' corpses propped up at the kitchen table and you're ordering dinner for three in falsetto.  Hah.  Vince Vaughn was in Swingers and Psycho.  Makes me laugh!
I can only imagine the pitch for the 1998 Psycho went like this--  Producer: I want to make a shot for shot remake of Psycho.  Nothing is different.  We just do it again.  Studio Head: You must be crazy.  Producer:  EXACTLY!  Studio Head:  Brilliant!  Here's 40 million dollars!  What else is going on.  I was happy to find out [Spoiler Coming] that they had a cover of The Ramones' Pet Semetary during the credits of the new Pet Semetary.  That was my favorite part of the movie I guess, sure, why not.  [Spoiler Preceding] hey what just happened you skipped the last few words because of the spoilers alerts.  What did you miss?  I won't tell!  I gotchu, don't worry.
    My least favorite memory of Video Games was, we had just bought the Nintendo 64, and the first game me and my brother loaded up was the Mario game, I forget what it was called.  And we agreed he would play first, because it is a one player game, and I'd get to play as soon as he lost all his lives.  But it turns out it's one of those things where you never lose all your lives.  So I was waiting there like a schmuck for what seemed like months and months.  Actually, the real way it ended was probably me throwing a fit and somehow getting my way and I ended up playing before he lost all of his lives.  Whatta little stinker I was!
    Pretty sure that's the slogan of Pet Semetary.  It's a poster of John Lithgow and at the bottom it has in quotes, "You Never Lose All Your Lives..."  At least that's how I would have done it.  I had to say it was a poster of John Lithgow so you would read it in his voice.  It's important that we get a good voice to be the voice of that quote.  The voice over actor can really make or break this whole thing.  What paragraph are we into now for some reason.  Ninth.  Wonderful.  HHey I finished my coffee already.  That's not supposed to happen!  It was supposed to last me deep into the entry.  Here I am, not even finished with the 9th paragraph, and I'm out of coffee.  I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to some guy about something that may or may not be related to this.
    Jeez.  Maybe make these more common entries a bit shorter.  Maybe 15 paragraphs or something, right?  That sounds reasonable.  Six more.  Instead of making more coffee, I can have something else I really enjoy like a Vitamin Water.  That's a back up plan I could really get behind! You know, like Elizabeth Warren.  Elizabeth Warren is the Vitamin Water this country needs.  But Bernie Sanders is the Coffee we so thoroughly deserve.  Then again, I could also go for some carbonated beverage.  You know what that means!  Kamala Harris, Step On Down!  Also, to be clear, Kamala Harris isn't necessarily my third choice.  She's just diet Pepsi in this scenario, that's all.
    Jeez.  Also, the Democratic primary should function like The Price Is Right.  And the first question is how much can you as president get big corporations to pay in federal taxes?  And they all lose immediately for saying any number higher than zero.  That's one scenario for how things may shake out.  Except for Beto O Rourke who just spouted off some focus group tested talking points and wins because he didn't give an answer.  That might be how the primary shakes out is the point.  I don't know, O Rourke might have some competition if that's the standard.  I can imagine most candidates talking nonsense that sounds good rather than committing to holding big corporations accountable.
    Jeez.  Few more paragraphs left.  Then its time to start fantasizing about dinner.  Man I'm sure gonna eat some dinner.  No problem there.  I'll just put it in my mouth and chew and chew and well you know what eating's like.  We've all been there!  Sometimes I regret going to the orthodontist every month for five years and then quitting after being 95% done so my teeth still aren't perfect but I still wasted so much time and money doing it.  Oh well, what are ya gonna do.  Hey, as of an hour ago, a full 2 weeks without smoking a cigarette!  I'll put up with writing all the crappy entries in the world as long as it means I'm closer to a future without any cigarettes in it!  Hah!  You thought this entry was for you!  It was for me all along!  A twist ending only no one could have seen coming.
    I didn't see it coming. ...but I should have. 
What paragraph are we into now.  13.  Three to go for an even 15.  Well, even in the sense that its a multiple of 5.  That's kind of an even...?  What the Hell it's my Third Birthday.  By which I mean it's 1/3rd of a year after my birthday.  Or 2/3rds of a year before my birthday.  Whichever way you wanna look at it.  I'm 30 1/3.  WTF I WAS EVENTUALLY FINE WITH TURNING 30 BUT NO ONE EVER TOLD ME HOW QUICK AFTER THAT I'D BE GETTING TO 31?  WHEN DOES IT END?  32 AFTER THAT?  THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!  At least we live in a dystopia.  That keeps things interesting.
    Huh.  Two paragraphs to go.  Just opened up poker for the next 2 paragraphs.  Just to keep me going.  I had wanted to never play poker again but hey what can ya do not much is the point so this is something I can do but I will stop eventually just lemme do it a little bit more no harm there right gotta keep doin stuff.  WTF the first hand I play I got SIX HIGH.  I put in an ante for this?  WHATTA SCAM.  The point is Everything Is A Scam so you need to learn how to just not do anything if you want to steer clear of scams.  Just walk around in a circle all day and no one'll be able to take advantage of you.  It's the only way to be sure!
    Last paragraph.  Well I just lost a dollar at poker by sitting at a table for three minutes.  The good news is, if I wasn't playing at responsible stakes the last week, to make sure I didn't re-lose all my money, I would have re-lost all my money.  Instead, I lost like 10 or 15 dollars over the week.  And that's not so bad!  Especially considering I've been knocking some Bonus Money Sports Betting out of the park.  So I'm about even is the point.  Every time I fall, the Mets pick me back up!  And then every time the Mets pick me up I inevitably fall down again and just hope the Mets have it in them to pick me up yet again once more!  I'll see ya later.

-4:27 P.M.   


Wednesday, April 10, 2019

I've Got Important Things To Say One Would Imagine!

        I suppose.  Let's get into it.  My micromanaging of my daily schedule has increased.  Now I take tri-daily walks as opposed to bi-daily.  Added a mid-afternoon walk.  I like it because during this time of day I get to see high school students on their way home from school and I think its important to show them what a successful young adult looks like so they have a positive role model and something to strive for.  Also, I get another opportunity to pick up something for dinner or perhaps dessert or potentially some sort of alcoholic product meant for consumption.  Sure, I can get any of that stuff on my morning walk-- but then I'd have to be planning hours and hours ahead!  Plus, I'd have to store whatever it is for an extra half a day, and my cupboards and refrigerators and kitchen appliances are all full enough as it is!  I'm already storing too much stuff inside the toaster!  The toaster wasn't designed to hold all this stuff!
    You know, non-toaster stuff?  That I'm just leaving in the toaster as if it were storage space?  The joke is I'm severely misusing appliances to a very possibly dangerous degree.  Well, it's not really a joke, but the premise is such and whatnot.  There's been a recurring theme here the last few weeks where I decide I wanna write an entry lets say in two days and then I open up the blog to write the heading of the future entry in preparation and I realize I could just write it now instead of waiting and I'm all like I don't really want to and have nothing to say yet and is it really the best time of day to be creative I don't know I really should read an internet article about when's the best time to be creative and that's a true story I just googled that 20 minutes ago and read that article and it wasn't all that great and... but then I'm like ok well might as well write now I got nothing else to do and then that's what happens.  That's a story we'll all remember for negative years to come.  That's right-- we're all gonna go back in time solely to forget that story.
    Third paragraph!  Googling stuff about writing stuff led me to the realization that hey this is a blog and should be treated as such.  By which I mean, hey, there's a lot of websites out there where they hire people to more or less write bloggish stuff.  They should hire me.  Look what I can do!  LOOK!  How come come no ones looking?!  I know people are looking.  Crazysheet shows up much sooner in search engines than it used to!  Which leads me to believe that search engines love crazysheet.  Them algorithms can't get enough of my zany schemes and wild observations!  Probably because all of my pro-algorithm commentary.  I'm no fool, I know my audience!  I'll talk up my relationships to the algorithm community and ingratiate myself thusly.  It's simply good business!
    Lost weight.  No more smoking.  I'm not gambling irresponsibly.  Reading books.  Working more creatively.  I'm an Unstoppable Progress Machine!  I'm just dreading the point where all my progress reaches the singularity and then all my forward momentum zooms up like an ellipses hyperbola and the universe collapses upon itself.  Pretty sure roughly 40% of that sentence came close to making sense.  Anyway, the important thing is, lets get into crazysheet.   Here's an on brand topic-- Pizza is the ONLY word Americans use with a double, "Z."  Should it be pronounced with a, "T?"  Like a, "Tzz?"  Peet-zuh?  Or just with a really emphasized, "Z?"  Pee-zzuh.  We have no way of knowing-- there's no other reference point in American language!  I demand a full investigation and I demand it be done by Mueller's team and for some reason they have to stay together from now on and work cases like a team.  Also it should be dramatized in a serial television show roughly a year and a half behind when it happens in real life.
    That's my hot take on things.  I was thinking about my poker strategy the last month or two and I realized it can be summed up in Trying to hit them sets.  It just revolves around I want a pocket pair and get to the flop and hit a set and see what happens.  Everything else is incidental.  All other hands and pots I can take or leave, maybe there's a profit, maybe I operate at a loss.  I'm just focused on lemme hit them sets.  A set is when you have a pocket pair and then one of the community cards gives you 3 of a kind.  Lemme hit them sets and just hope people feel like playing big pots when I do.
Anyway, I'm gonna guess this is the 5th paragraph.  Nope.  Already the sixth paragraph.  Aww man why did I just place a bet on Bovada Sports on which paragraph this was.  I lost 20,000 dollars!!  I could take or leave that joke.  Preferably leave.  What else is going on.  Do we know who came up with "MAGA," or: "Make America Great Again?"  There's a zero percent chance Trump came up with it.  So who did?  You'd think inquiring minds would want to know.  Why am I the only one asking these questions?  Is it because you can't think of these questions?  Maybe you should hire me to ask questions for you.  Have you ever thought of that?
    MAGA, or:  How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Pray For The Sweet Release Of Nuclear Holocaust Because Frankly Its An Improvement On Trump Being President.  Yikes.  I'm very scared of how this upcoming presidential election will unfold.  Because it's become very clear Trump has absolutely zero interest in anyone outside his 40% of America that likes him.  So how can he even pretend to court any other voters?  It's gonna get ugly quick.  Him just accusing the media of being rigged and the polls really show everyone likes him and everything is a lie and the election will be illegitimate.  I don't see how the campaign can go any differently.  I can't imagine him running a standard campaign making a genuine effort to win over anybody.  He can only go Full Crazy and we may descend into much, much worse chaos than we even dare to imagine.
    So we got that to look forward to in a few months, is the point.  I can't wait!  Now, wouldn't that dystopic future be a lot more fun if I was writing for you?  I'd be all like Called It!  and you'd be like Man made a good judgment call giving that kid a job, makes all the dystopia almost worth it!  Anyway what paragraph are we into now.  Eighth.  Wonderful!  Basically, that hypothesis is based on these two facts--  Trump has repeatedly tweeted that the Democrats can only win the presidency by cheating, and the remarkably consistent polling for years, that Trump must know about, that has Trump at a ~40% approval rating.  Those two things together are, well, pretty concerning.
    But that's the future!  Who cares about the future!  I care about the present!  Damn, just lost it.  Wait, no!  Now!  This current pres-- wait no its gone again.  Why is the present so elusive?  And why is the president such a dangerous fool.  Well such is life, I guess.  What else is going on.  Maybe take a break after the 10th paragraph, than write another 10 after dinner/after-dinner walk.  Makes sense to me.  That means a paragraph and a half to go for this segment.  The progress I make in life is inversely proportional to the progress of American politic and media-culture.  That's my hypothesis for some reason.
    Better start Fucking Up in life just to improve things for the rest of ya.  Thank God!  An easy solution!  That I can do all by myself!  I can save the world if only I become more of an irresponsible jackass!  That's a relief.  Anyway, what else is going on.  I don't have to stop right after this paragraph.  I can keep writing and whatnot based on how I feel.  What's the first jackassy thing I should do to get the country back on track.  This entry isn't a bad start.  What with the give me a blog writing job and the I'm gonna talk about politics for some reason overtones.  Seems pretty jackassy to me!  Overtones?  Or is it undertones.  I am freakin' clueless on this one.  I know it's some kind of tones but I have no idea whether it's over or under.
    Wonderful.  I don't get how music decided there were 12 notes.  I have a guitar-- I can tune a string to halfway between one note and another.  Boom.  24 notes.  And then I can tune a string to halfway between the halfways.  Suddenly we have 48 notes.  Music is stupid is the point I'm trying to make.  I can count on one hand the times that I was playing guitar and someone said I liked what you were playing.  I mean, just practicing, or mucking around, not officially performing.  And I can also tell you that each time that happened, it had a profound impact on me.  Oh, I guess this one song I was working on is the best song I've ever done in the world.  Or, this one riff from an already existing song happens to be right in my guitar playing wheelhouse and I need to adjust all my practicing to that knowledge.
That's just how things go for some reason.  Anyway.  Oh.  Right.  This is bullshit.  The world isn't going to end, my progress in life has no effect or relation to what's going on outside my life, and all my music sucks so don't even worry about it.  Well that solved all my problems up pretty neatly!  Thank heavens.  Hey what paragraph are we into now.  12th!  Otherwise known as 1/4th the amount of crazysheet notes there are.  As in hey what note are you playing?  A B and 1/4th.  ...Okay.  Anyway.  Up about 20 dollars in poker since deciding to stop playing and withdraw everything I had.  Obviously it didn't go according to plan.  But winning more instead of losing more was a welcome consequence of not going according to plan!
    Next Weird Al album-- Accordion To Plan.  That's my educated guess.  So I got the Beastie Boys and the Guided By Voices books but I haven't read 'em yet.  The Beastie Boys book has a sticker on the front cover, which I assume is standard wherever you get it, and its so egregious that I'm very tempted to guess that there's a secret underneath the sticker where you rip off the sticker and its like hey you found the secret but so far I've been scared to scratch off the sticker because I don't wanna ruin the book's integrity but I gotta think something's under that sticker they want us to scratch off the sticker what's under that sticker?!?! Such is life these days is the point I guess.
    14th paragraph!  I've been drinking a little bit the last few paragraphs.  It makes me feel good for some reason.  You should try drinking alcohol!  It's a real lifehack and whatnot.  I assume that's what all blogging jobs are.  Talking about lifehacks.  And the only variation is wherever you're writing blogs for obviously dictates the form your lifehacks will take.  Lifehacking has totally monopolized the commercial blogging industry.  That's my best guesstimate, at least.  Anyway, hey, what else is going on.  Aiming for 20 paragraphs today because that makes the most sense as of now.
    Figure I'll probably be able to finish this entry before dinner.  Dinner will be ordered in about half an hour.  Then it will be consumed about 45 minutes after that.  So I can write 6 paragraphs in that finite amount of time is the point.  I wrote the word finite to sound professional.  Added absolutely nothing to the sentence.  But you read a word like finite and you think this kid knows what he's talking about!  Semper Fi Night.  That sort of thing one would imagine.  We're Here.  We're Marines.  Get Used To It.  I have no idea why my mind went there.  Some sort of explanation is demanded but I don't have it and I'm as caught off guard as you are.
Okay, what else.  75% done with the entry!  It's about time!  I've been here writing this crap for like an hour or something!  Man!  Maybe an hour and a half!  Who can remember that far back!  The Subway I get for lunch 2 or 3 times a week is a combination Subway/Nathan's.  I have never seen someone order from the Nathan's.  Never.  In roughly 20 years of going there.  I've gotten the Nathan's a couple times myself when I was a teenager-- but I always had to wait 20, 30 minutes for them to fry up the Nathan's batter or whatever, cause its never used.  And besides me, no one has ever gotten Nathan's in my presence.  Which always confused me, because it's fun to eat those mini corndogs and stuff like that.  People are really missing out on eating mini corndogs is my impression from life!
Wait what the Hell where did that font come from.  I'm as baffled as you are. I assume you're as baffled as me  WAIT TWHAT HRAOHS FONTS ARE CHANGING it whJeez.  Lets just move on and pretend the font uprising never even happened.  The fonts tried to radically change the world they lived in and if we just refuse to acknowledge it its like it never happened and they failed.  They never even made it to the surface with their crazy anachronistic fonts.  It's always been Courier New and always will be Courier New!  Hey there's only three paragraphs after this one and I haven't even ordered dinner yet!  I'm gonna finish this entry before dinner like a champ and then enjoy my after-dinner night the only way I know how-- walking in a circle desperately trying to burn off the calories I gained while drinking alcohol!
    Cool.  Hey the font didn't change.  Thank God.  What else is going on.  I sure hope The Mets win tonight.  I will have 8 more dollars on Poker if they do, as compared to if they don't.  That's how betting works.  You bet on a team to win and then you end up with more money than you started with if and only if the team wins and then if the team loses you lose money and then in the very rare occasion that they decide not to play the game you get your betting money back!  I figured out Sports Betting!  Hooray for me!  The only question that remains is how much walking in a circle will I do once I've reached my target weight.  Do I walk as much as I have been so I can consume a crazy amount of calories each day?  And just splurge on random nonsense?  Or do significantly less because who needs to eat that much nonsense?
I do find the idea of not walking in a circle for several hours every day for the rest of my life pretty appealing, to be honest.  Almost as appealing as I'm gonna eat random nonsense every day for some reason I don't fully understand!  Anyway, figure I'll arrange ordering dinner with my family after this paragraph.  That's my version of Fighting With My Family.  My semi-biographical movie will be Ordering Dinner With My Family.  Oh man only one more paragraph after this one!  Whatta joy.  I totally wrote an entire entry in less than two hours and without really intending to write anything in the first place!  Hah!  And you all doubted me is the point.
    Hey just spent 10 minutes in preparation of dinner.  What the Hell was I talking about again?  I remember worrying about America's future and something about marines.  Other than that, it's all a blur.  What else is going on.  Figure I'll just keep writing here until dinner gets here.  That'll be maybe one bonus paragraph, maybe five!  Who can tell as of now for sure.  Yeah, I ordered dinner, but the real highlight was the part when I ordered breakfast.  I got a dinner for the next two nights, and I got a breakfast for the next two breakfasts!  Breakfasts are the best.  You get to eat some sweet and there's ample opportunity to eat breakfast meats which you would be unfairly judged for eating for dinner. 
    So, sure, yeah, I guess.  Something about giving me a job for writing blogs.  I can do it!  For you!  I'll switch up my style and whatnot to fit your stupid crap or whatever, I don't mind!  Hmm.  I'm drinking soda and I can't remember if I poured alcohol into it or not.  I don't taste it exactly, but my memory sort of implies that it remembers me pouring alcohol.  This is a real head scratcher.  Hey I just thought of a solution!-- who gives a shit.  That's a pretty good solution to more or less every problem raised here in this entry or anywhere else.  I always feel weird when the dinner delivery gets here and I hear the doorbell ring and I leave my room and stand at the top of the stairs waiting for the delivery person to deliver the food and leave so I can descend the stairs to eat my dinner and I'm standing there like a child so the delivery person won't see me and I need them to leave before I show myself downstairs.
    Oh well, such is life, am I right?  Also sometimes there's a delivery woman who sounds like she's relatively young and I'm interested in seeing what she looks like but thus far I've been embarrassed to ask my Dad about her.  But she's already been to my house so we're pretty much halfway there to marriage.  Oh, hey!  I had another interaction with Asian Guy On Sidewalk!  Again, he told me about how he doesn't speak English well, and this time around, he made it clear that his interest in me was Me Teaching Him English.  I don't think he was joking, I think that's what he wanted to say to me.  I just don't know if he just wants meme to teach him English specifically for some reason, as if I and only I know the kind of English he wants to learn, or if he sees me teaching him English as some sort of doorway to getting to know me better.  But that's where his mind is.
    My response was I'm not a good teacher! and standing there for 2 minutes trying to figure out a polite way of saying I don't want this conversation to go any further!  Please let me leave!  I hope to God you don't memorize my walking schedule and bother me every day!  So I got that going for me is the point.  What paragraph is this.  23rd!  Amazing.  Anyway, I don't know.  I can't wait to read this entry sober and see What The Hell Happened.  Cause as of now I have no freakin' clue.  Anyway.  A little less than 2 days away from a full 2 weeks without smoking a cigarette.  Certainly seems like it's gonna take.  Can't say for sure yet, but I like my odds!  I guess I can never say for sure.  I'm always just one cigarette away from going back to smoking, for the rest of my life.  Oh well, such is the new normal.  That's life.
What else is crappening.  It's just impulse control at this point, and not that hard really.  From now on, it's the equivalent of Hey I can drink some bleach!  It'll fuck me up but you never know maybe I'll do it for some reason.  It's about on that level.  Probably a little more likely, but not that far off.  Because I probably won't be in the situation in the future where someone else is drinking bleach and enjoying himself and I'm like that could be me drinking bleach!  So, sure, great, whatever.  The point is the word bleach is spelled like it should be the word blech as in yuck!  Blech!  Bleach!  ...You still following me?
    Hmm.  Paragraphs.  I get it!  Whattado with my night after dinner and after-dinner walk.  I can't go back to walking around in a circle, not after drinking and enjoying myself!  And I can't go back to drinking and enjoying myself, not after already doing that once today!  I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  Anyway.  I'm gonna be taking a Sleep Study on account of that sleepwalking episode.  Something about they set me up in a room that's real nice, like a hotel room, but they monitor me when I go to sleep at night and it's fun because it's like a mini-vacation but also they get to see what makes me tick in my sleep.  That's my impression.  Don't know when that's happening yet but it's on the docket.
I guess.  26th paragraph?  That seems too high.  Oh well what can ya do.  This'll be the last paragraph.  Food should be here in 10-30 minutes.  Figure if I end after this paragraph that'll be a real responsible way of doing things so I don't have to go eat mid-paragraph.  So, what have we learned this entry?  I forget.  Probably things, though!  Be smart about intuitating things from this entry!!  Also let's pretend that's a word!  Even for just a short time!  We can stop pretending once the paragraph is over!  We can go back to recognizing it's not a word!  But for right now it is a word we can agree right?  Yes, sure we can.  Ugh.  Bleach.  I'll see ya'll next entry.

-6:29 P.M.


Monday, April 8, 2019

Hey What's Happening Am I Right

        I was just urinating and thought of a good name for a band-- Dick Sprinkles.  That's the new and improved Crazysheet we're in for!  Stuff like that for some reason!  Anyway, as of an hour ago, a full 10 days without a tobacco cigarette.  Also, no other kinds of cigarettes.  Also, no tobacco products at all.  Not even the tobacco tooth paste or the tobacco shampoo or the tobacco some other thing hey what am I a comedian?  You figure it out.  So I've been doin' pretty good on the still-not-smoking-and-dealing-with-it-okay front.  As for poker, I think I'm done with it for now.  I still have an outstanding 4 dollar prop bet on the Mets game tomorrow, but in the end, I'm gonna be withdrawing ~325 dollars from the initial 50 dollar deposit.
    Yeah!  That'll learn 'em!  Basically, I think the most appropriate way to conceptualize the winnings are, I didn't make back all the money I had lost over the last 3 or 4 years at poker-- but I made back enough money to make my Dad a little bit of money.  Confused?  Let me explain!  80% of the times I've lost poker money over the last few years, the basis of the initial deposit was that it was a birthday gift, or an Chanukah gift [THAT'S RIGHT, AN CHANUKAH], or whatever.  So all those times I lost gifts-- fine, that moneys gone, but the memories of me playing will last a lifetime.  That's my problem, and I can deal with that.  However, of the times that I actually was just like Eh feel like putting 50 dollars of Community Family Money on poker whose gonna stop me you? I've made my Dad his money back and then some.
    I like that way of thinking because it makes me feel good and is intuitively the most appropriate.  So, sure, yeah!  What else is going on.  Hey I started making some coffee before writing here.  It might be ready by now!  Oh well, no way of knowing.  My Mom has warned me that with this coffee maker (which is roughly 2 or 3 years old at this point), don't start withdrawing coffee until the pot is completely done brewing.  But for the old one we were allowed!  Your amount of coffee is ready?  Great!  Pour it!  Pour that coffee like a champ and then it'll re-fill for other people after [or for your second cup-- oh boy you can't wait for that second cup of coffee, can you?!].  This time around, nope.  Gotta wait.  So far I've been adhering to that rule but, really, what's gonna happen if I pour coffee while its still dripping.  Is the house gonna explode?  One of these days I'm gonna take a chance and see what happens.  Not today, though.  Not today.
    Note-- I just took a chance.  And, for reference, it was Today.  Anyway nothing happened, but I might have only dodged a bullet because it turns out it was 99% done anyway.  I see it brewing, pour my Super Sized Coffee Cup, put it back and no ones the wiser and will ever have any knowledge of this crime and then 15 seconds later it starts beeping in its coffee-specific Morse code to convey its done.  Anyway, I don't know.  The last few days, I've been at roughly the same amount of bankroll on poker, and I've been experimenting with playing the lowest stakes possible to see if I could maybe withdraw this ~$325 and leave over 15, 20 dollars, whatever, and just slowly build that up responsibly.  Turns out I can't.  I get really bored and I have some sort of stupid thing in my brain which has me convinced I play much better when I'm playing at too high stakes.  Like, the pressure brings the best out of my game, or something. 
    I assume that's probably some sort of subliminal messaging achieving its purpose from Gambling.  Thinking you play better at out of control too high stakes is pretty much the exact thing Gambling would want you to think, and its probably no coincidence that it has become what I intuitively think.  Somewhere along the line they got me.  Oh well, such is life.  What else.  I've got a bone to pick with the Kiss lyric, "I want to rock and roll all night and party every day!"  Wouldn't the opposite-- rock and rolling all day and partying every night-- make a lot more sense?  Doesn't matter which side of the rock 'n roll equation you're on, either.  Makes more sense for both rock 'n roll consumers and rock 'n roll performers.
    You consume rock 'n roll?  Well, you do that during the day.  You got your dead end job or school and you maybe listen to rock and roll on ear phones or radio here and there when you get a chance.  Or maybe once you get home in the late afternoon you put on a record and chill.  Or you listen to some rock 'n roll on the way to work in the morning.  And you're certainly not partying during the day.  You've got shit to do!  Then, once its night time, you go out to a party!  Rock 'n roll during the day-- party at night.  This isn't that difficult.  So that's for rock consumers.  Now, Who goes partying during the day?  Presumably Rock 'n Rollers, I guess, if you buy into Kiss's lyrics.  But if you're a rock 'n roller, this flip-em-up actually seems even more egregious.  You make rock 'n roll-- that's your day job.  Literally.  You're rock 'n rolling your days away.  Maybe you do shows all night here and there, but for the most part, this is your 9-5, your days are rock 'n rolling.  Your standard.  And, as for partying at night, you bet your bottom dollar Kiss would rather be partying ev-a-ry night than rock 'n rolling.  They need a break from rock 'n roll!  They're rockin' during the day.  Any time they get to party at night is a welcome respite from the monotony of so much rocking.
    Well, finished that paragraph.  No one can take that away from me.  I guess.  Maybe I'm just an idiot and don't understand Kiss lyrics.  This could be my biggest sham-of-an-insight-em-up since talking about the Mueller Report which I forget what I said exactly but its safe to assume I was talking out of my ass.  What else.  I saw Pet Semetary on Friday.  I don't know what I was expecting, but my take was yeah I saw this movie already.  It's just like the one 30 years ago.  And presumably the book.  I have no idea what I thought I was gonna see.  Turns out it was oh right, I know exactly what happens save for the 10% of the plot that were mixed-em-ups.  The scariest thing about the movie is going to the movie and realizing oh shit 25 or 30 years have passed since I first saw the last one.  Now I'm significantly closer to death than the first time around.  Ah I see what you did there.  Well done.  As far as I can tell, inducing that feeling, in the background as it were, is all this movie has going for it-- but still, that alone, pretty scary.
I'm gonna estimate I saw the original Pet Semetary for the first time in completion when I was, I don't know, six years old?  Seven?  So, crunching the numbers, That's about 25 years ago-- and, if I'm lucky and live to 80 years old, I got 2 more of what I've done since Last Pet Semetary.  That's not too bad.  Basically, I get to live my entire life again, then I'm 55, and I get to do it yet again one more time!  Sounds fair to me.  And then, who knows, they'll be able to upload my consciousness onto a cyborg probably.  Sometimes I think about if I live far enough into the future where they can just put your brain into a cyborg or whatever, and would I choose a body with physical attributes comparable to what I am now?  Or pick one that's most attractive or good utilitarian or something?
I mean, theoretically speaking, lets just pretend the cyborgs look exactly like humans.  Do I pick a body who looks like a guy whose 6'1?  Or do I just go yeah I'm used to this short bullshit at this point I think I'll just stick with what I'm comfortable with.  For all the crap I feel about my height, I think my instinct would be, eh, lets just remain as true to the original as possible.  Sign me up for the shortness again please!  So, sure, yeah.  Anyway we're into the ninth paragraph and that's not bad.  Been losing weight one would imagine based on what I see when looking in the mirror.  Haven't actually checked the scale in a while, but I think all this room-walking has been paying off real quick.
    I was thinking about people who chew two pieces of gum at one time, and I wonder if anyone ever does it without combining them.  I mean, theoretically, you can chew one piece of gum on the right side of your mouth, and another piece of gum on the left side of your mouth.  And never the twixt shall meet.  That's certainly one way to go about things if you're no conformist.  Anyway.  I like Fox News watchers who are like I can't stand these east coast intellectuals!!!  How dumb do you have to be to actively dislike smart people?  Intellectuals?  AHHHAHHHH.  My brain don't work no fancy way and them that do make me mad!  Why can't they be simple like I and others like I? 
    Well, that was the last save-em-up.  Three things were saved-em-ups this entry.  The Kiss lyric.  The gum chewing.  And the intellectuals.  Didn't have them written out or anything, but just the brief mention of talk about this was saved-em-upped for those three things.  11th paragraph.  Gonna eat in roughly an hour 40 minutes, so maybe I'll finish the entry by then, or maybe I won't.  I've narrowed it down to those two things because I'm a genius.  Anyway, what else is going on.  The further away I get from being a smoker, the more I realize that this whole time, I really was just wishing I could be smoking marijuana.  Really wanted to smoke something, and I just figured tobacco would be a decent substitute, and then I got addicted to it, and it snowballed into just being addicted to cigarettes.  But now I'm like, I wasted a decade smoking cigarettes when I could have been getting lightly high!
    Lightly high. 
No big high.  Just a light high all the time!  Anyway.  I don't wanna smoke marijuana every day anymore.  Maybe if they legalize it and it turns out I can tolerate it again, I'd be pleased as punch to smoke once a week on a weekendday.  Just sort of reserve it as a treat to reward myself for rock and rolling all the days of the working week and, yeah, partying every night, presumably by myself, and without marijuana, but hey some parties are just like that I guess.  That kind of life seems appealing to me for some reason.  Anyway, what else is going on.  Haven't written much entry for about 20 minutes.  I got distracted by running out of coffee to drink.  What now?  No more coffee.  Can't drink alcohol.  Not y... wait sure I can.  Hah!  LIFEHACK!  DRINK WHENEVER YA WANT!
That sounds ultimately unhealthy but for now sure I can have the equivalent of one drink because that's the kind of guy I am this entry!  Also, I can walk off the calories from 1 unit of alcohol in just 40 minutes of room walking!  No problem!  Anyway.  Maybe in a minute.  In the mean time, lemme tell you, I've been going hard on the soda lately.  As I was allowing myself all the gum I want while recovering from cigarette addiction, I've been binging on diet soda again.  I figure I can stop any time I want to so get off my back about it!  You know what?  Maybe I don't want alcohol at all.  Maybe I just want some soda.  I like that idea.  I'll pour myself soda!  Yeah!  That's it!  Problems solved!
    What else is wide world of sports.  Just took a 20 minute break to have a serious discussion with my parents about dinner.  I'm not having any, but I felt it was important I was there to support them in this difficult time of deciding where to order dinner from.  That's just the kind of son I am.  Also, hey, got my Guided By Voices and Beastie Boys books delivered!  What paragraph are we into.  14th.  Figure I'll write 20 paragraphs, maybe time dinner in such a way that I finish the entry right before eating dinner.  That seems like a fun way to divide time these days.  Comedy Class is in 4 weeks.  Figure the game plan until then is walk in circle more.  Maybe incrementally do more creative stuff like music or comedy jokes.  No more poker be happy for what you got.
    Wow.  Whatta life. 
Figure I'll put food in the oven after the 16th paragraph.  That means two more paragraphs to go before I even do that.  AwwAwwAAAwwwmannnnn.  I was really looking forward to taking the next step forward in life.  Which, in this case, is eating today's thirdmeal.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do until then!  I could play a one dollar sit 'n go on poker-- but no!  I made a vow!  No more poker until my wedding night!  Then, one can imagine, my wife will go, remember when I said, "I do?"  I was bluffing!  Then I go, We weren't supposed to start until now!  You started the game too early!  Get out of my life!
    Sure I know a lot about human relationships.  I think that goes without saying.  I think, in the history of the phrase, "That goes without saying," there hasn't been one time that it actually went without saying.  You've never been in an elevator with a guy for 60 seconds and he just suddenly goes well that goes without saying.  It's invariably always preceded by someone saying it.  Anyway.  There's this old Asian dude in my neighborhood who saw my Dad on the sidewalk a few days ago and said he's seen me walking and he wanted to talk to me.  My Dad told me that and I was confused.  Then I saw this guy on my walk today.  He said he had something to talk to me about.  I said, "Okay."  I stood there with him for 10 seconds with neither of us saying a word.  10 seconds is a long time.  Then he goes, I don't speak English that well... and I said, "That's okay."  Then we stood there for another 20 seconds saying nothing.  20 seconds is an even longer time than 10 seconds.  Some might say twice as long.  Then he says, I'll think of it by next time.  And I said, Okay.  Take care.  And walked away.  Dinner In Oven time.
    Four paragraphs to go before dinner is ready.  It's a real race against the clock.  But the good news is Hey What Else Is Goin' On.  I'm clearly not as antsy or angsty or ampedsty as I was the last two entries.  Apparently my body is adjusting to not having nicotine just fine.  So I got that going for me is the point.  I think I once read that each cigarette takes like 8 or 10 minutes off your life.  I did the calculations and I lost about one year from my projected life expectancy, based on the estimated number of cigarettes I've smoked.  A year isn't that bad.  I think I can deal with losing a year.  Losing a whole year.  Hmm.  That's a Third Eye Blind song.  Really makes ya think.
    Sure, sure, why not.  Best case scenario, this old Asian guy wanted to talk to me about I've got a daughter around your age, and I've seen you around, walking the sidewalk, you seem like a good fit.  I wanna hook you two up.  Worst case scenario, it's I've seen you walking around, will you come into my basement so I can do some sort of Horror Movie stuff on you?  Not Horrorshow-- this isn't A Clockwork Orange.  I just mean like maybe put you in a Saw-type situation, or force you to watch a The Ring tape, or have you participate in a Human Centipede.  Something along those lines is what I'm interested in.     
    I can't imagine any other possibility, though.  Either he's got a daughter, or maybe there's let's say some Hostel situation where he'll get someone to pay him to torture and kill me.  No other scenario seems remotely plausible to me.  Hey only a paragraph and a half to go!  This was wonderful, just wonderful.  That's actually one of my main memories from when I was in the hospital.  It's full of people who want to talk to you and you're not 100% sure of the reason but you are 100% its making you uncomfortable and when you think about it you don't necessarily want to know the reason.  Some things are just better left unsaid, and 60 year old Asian guys having something to say to you but then not being able to get the words out qualify as some of those things.
    Let's conclude this entry the only way I know how-- with a paragraph!  The entry started with a paragraph, and its gonna end with a paragraph.  How's that for symmetry?  And the middle matches up with itself.  No symmetry required.  Huh.  Yeah sure I guess.  Gonna take a walk after dinner.  Walking all day in my room actually makes me enjoy the walking around the neighborhood more.  You might think it'd make any walking piss me off cause I do so much of it.  Nope!  It's like, alright, finally, get to walk some where the scenery changes and the air is fresh and I get to see all sorts of nice people and storefronts!  Life sure is good enough for now but its gonna get real boring real quick unless I come up with something new.  But, for now, see ya later!

-6:30 P.M.   


Thursday, April 4, 2019

Life Is Waiting To Do Stuff

        That's more accurate than the last title.  To reference what the last title was-- scroll down a bit.  Been knocking some poker out of the park to the point where my Dad will be pleasantly surprised at how much I will eventually withdraw soon, and I will leave some over to see if I can build it up again!  It's fun to do stuff and poker qualifies as stuff!  I figure there's three things I want that you could say this withdrawal pays for.  (1) Comedy Class (currently, would pay for about 75% of it). OR both (2) and (3) New Chair for my roomdesk where I sit 90% of my life and One Years Worth of Contact Lenses. (currently, will pay for 100% of these 2 things and then some!)  I've been sitting on a crappy kitchen chair from the kitchen for the last 5 years in my room and I'm pretty sure I no longer have posture.  Need a real chair.  I'm a real man and I need a real chair.
    The point is it's been over 6 days (24 hour periods of time-- for more information, consult a clock and/or calendar-- you know what, consult some sort of thing where clocks and calendars combine-- its the most a clock can do, and the least a calendar can do, so neither tells the whole story on its own) without a cigarette and I am in withdrawal-- poker withdrawal!  Hah!  We've covered this.  Well, I'll be in withdrawal once I'm done Sports Betting enough to retrieve my bonus.  Anyway I'm listening to the director's commentary on Return of the Living Dead right now and hey I don't hate it!  The commentary I mean.  The movie itself is easily in my top 10 favorite movies in all of life and saying, "I don't hate it," is almost as severe an undersell as Barr saying the Mueller Report says there's no obstruction here to be found, keep walking.
    Keep walking?  That is also what I have been doing the last few days!  Lots of circle-room-walking.  It's also fun and also drives me crazy and also hey why is everything spinning?  Always with the spinning!  I guess this is the new normal.  So much spinning.  Also I need to actually keep playing at much lower stakes to maintain my poker bankroll while the sports betting plays itself out.  I think I can do it this time around.  No reason not to!  Oh man just lost some extra money while gambling that my flopped set was still good at what turned out to be a rivered flush.  Well, that's why I'm playing lower stakes!  Lost an extra 5 dollars instead of an extra 15 dollars.  Psshh.  Five dollars?  I don't care!
    Gonna eat in an hour.  Then take a real walk around the neighborhood, come back, write the rest of this entry.  Maybe have some alcohol for that portion of the entry.  I've earned it what with all the walking and gambling and the walking and the gambling and the no smoking and the director's commentary and the Mets they strike people out then they strike out what is life.  I think, for now, I'm losing enthusiasm for the idea of talking about mental illness for the 2 minutes I gotta do on first day of comedy class, and now am thinking just do half a dozen or however many fit regular randomish jokes.  Right now I have 1 I'm sure of!  This month marks the seventh anniversary of crazysheet.net.  1 joke accomplished.  Well, I'm sure the rest of these suckers are starting from zero.  Me?  I've got one joke!
Sure, sure.  I figure one week without a cigarette is a good milestone.  That's in about 22 hours.  But whose counting?  Not me.  I don't count for shit.  Fifth paragraph.  Hmm I guess I do count after all.  Hey how about that wonderful things work out sometimes for some reason.  Oh hey I'm seeing Pet Semetery tomorrow afternoon for some reason.  Probably on the premise that I will find it entertaining.  Writing this entry, I suddenly feel that irritable, twitchy, annoyed feeling I think you're supposed to feel while quitting cigarettes.  I went six days doing fine, opened up Microsoft FrontPage feeling fine, suddenly meh I can do without this feeling but also pretty confident it'll pass and it's not that bad for now lets just keep going.
Maybe this feeling is just how I'd feel writing crazysheet not on cigarettes.  This is just what Crazysheet is.  And I never realized before.  I finish this entry, everything goes back to normal.  It's possible.  Another explanation is that I made up a lot of ground in poker.  I was supposed to suffer financially so I could improve my health!  I can't be good in health and in financially!  That doesn't make sense.  You gotta make choices.  That must be it.  So now that I'm up in poker my body is like well need a cigarette now.  Stupid body.  Luckily my body isn't the boss of me.  My brain is calling the shots!  Because it's at the very top of my body and it's just easier to do it that way.
    Put food in the oven for dinner.  Hah!  Dinner!  I can do that with both hands tied behind all of the backs.  Anyway.  I was sleepwalking naked a few nights ago.  First time in my life I've ever been sleepwalking.  But my parents brought it up to me the next morning, and I was like, oh shit now that you bring that up I REMEMBER THAT.  Could have been caused by not having smoked cigarettes for a few days and my body was like alright he's asleep now's the time to get them cigarettes! or it could have been I've been walking around in a circle for 4 hours a day and now Mike's asleep but it still feels right to walk around some more.
    No one knows for sure.  Also, I left the house.  And, remember, I was naked.  That's the worst part about the sleepwalking and at first I was gonna not share it but now that I think about it who cares.  I was naked, opened the front door, stepped outside, my parents got me to come back inside.  And then when they brought it up the next morning, that image of me being in the doorway came back, and I remember I was thinking while it was happening, shit they're right I Am Naked better shut the door... but I was under the impression that I left the house for some reason, I just didn't realize I was naked at the time.  So the point is you're never too old to try out new experiences. 
    Wonderful.  This was before the last entry.  I just hadn't felt comfortable 'going there' back then in the last entry.  I was embarrassed.  Now the experience has sunk in a bit and I realize I don't care at all.  Ninth paragraph.  Probably will drink a little bit after dinner/walk, just a question of if I get some beer or drink some non-beer.  I like the idea of getting beer.  It lasts longer and also it makes me feel cool.  And since I'm losing major 'cool' points without the smoking of cigarettes, I need to drink as much beer as I can to compensate.  I guess.  But, yeah, until writing this entry, I was feeling great.  Real healthy and whatnot.  Focused.  Clear lunged.  Food tasted better, water went down easy, my whistling was out of this world, all that jazz.  So I gotta imagine that'll all return after this entry.  And then improve upon itself!
    Things are looking up.
    My God-- I want to convey positivity-- but it's impossible to be as positive as my life-situation demands.  I can't do it!
    So I got that going for me I guess and whatnot.  What else is going on.  I better place a bet on tomorrow's Mets game while there's still time.  I don't wanna be froze out of the game because I was dillydallying.  At least I've been chewing a lot of gum.  No one can take that away from me.  It's been honestly a joy and my one constant in these tough times.  Also-- calories of gum be damned!  I promised myself while recovering from cigarette addiction I can chew all the gum my little smoke filled heart desires!  Go crazy with the gum so to speak.  Double up on gum when chewing-- Triple up on gum!  Who cares!  Hmm good idea I think I will double up on gum right now.  Great.  I'm gonna be eating dinner in 25 minutes and who cares I'll chew gum all the time!
    See I told you life was great.  There's gum.  Tastes minty.  That settles that.  11th paragraph.  Also as far as I know gum doesn't cause lung cancer or heart disease at anywhere near the rates as tobacco cigarettes!  Stupid computer.  Why I gotta explain everything to you?  Whatta clunker this entry is.  Yeah I'm leaving the house at midnight on purpose I forgot I was naked so shoot meHey I just thought of a great alternative to having to smoke because I'm doing good on poker-- do shitty on poker so suddenly health becomes the priority and what I'm doing well in in life.  I'm one of those genius type guys!
    I think the reason I was embarrassed about that story was because me being naked in any situation at all is embarrassing to me.  Because I have a negative body image.  Oh well, what can ya do.  Exercise and quit smoking and shower and brush your teeth and get haircuts and eat healthy and take care of yourself generally.  Oh-- hey-- I am doing what you can do!  Good for me.  I knew I would be good in life in roughly 2/3rds of the places you could be good in life in at a time.  Anymore and, apparently, I get confused.  But 2/3rds of life at a time?  I can do that.  I think that's a reasonable thing to settle for, actually.  Just be a good person in 66% of respects.  Not bad!
    Anyway I'm gonna eat in five or ten minutes and don't wanna start a new paragraph before then.  So I'll see ya in a bit.  Shit this already started the new paragraph.  Oh well-- this counts as the other 33%-- it's my time off!  Deal with it.  Be back soon.   

    Hey I'm back.  This isn't really much of a save-em-up, but I do have one thing prepared from a few days ago...  If I was a baseball color commentator, my home run call would be, "It's going, it's going... ITS NOT HERE ANYMORE!!!"  Not 100% what makes that a joke, but there you have it.  So, yeah, ate dinner and took a walk.  Calmed down a little bit.  It's good to be calm.  Even if there's an unneeded, "L," in it and it's pissing me the Fuck off.  Just took a sip of beer.  Man, without the cigarette gunk clogging up my mouthpiece, you can really taste the beer!  I like it.
    I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.  It's funny, because in my mind, while typing it, I was imagining pronouncing it in a different way than you'd hear it normally as a lyric in that song.  LOL.  I USED THE SAME WORDS IN MY MIND BUT IN A DIFFERENT INTONATION THAN IS OBVIOUS THAT ONLY I WOULD KNOW ABOUT.  Best entry ever.  So what else is going on.  What paragraph are we into for some reason.  14th paragraph for some reason.  Trying a new flavor of gum.  "Minty Sweet Twist."  I hope someone got fired over that name.  Sweet Mint Twist makes 67% more sense, and if you're committed to not making sense, Twisty Mint Sweet is obviously the way to go. 
  Trying out exercising potential "Stand Up Comedy" muscles while taking my circle-walks.  Just whatever I hear on TV, I repeat, trying to mimic their voice.  Or I comment on what's going on humorously.  Or I just respond to it in some way.  I feel like that's a good way to prep--- wait no I'm just going insane.  Never mind.  Well that was a letdown.  Here I thought I was getting better at something, and it turns out the only thing I'm getting better at is being crazy.  Whatta letdown and whatnot jeez clunk.  Earlier today I figured out a life hack so simple I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before.  When I order my cold brew iced coffee, just go, put in about half the milk you would have normally.  And just like that 40% of my dairy-centered problems in life are addressed.
    I don't know. I should start a new round of music.  Now that my fingers' main goal in life isn't to hold onto cigarettes, they can get acclimated to playing guitars again.  Sounds fun to me.  Anyway.  I'll hit the 1 week mark right around the time I enter the Pet Semetary theater.  Probably around when they're showing commercials but before trailers.  And I'll know, hey I did somethin' good.  Whatta breeze.  Also now I can appreciate breeze and even breathe the breeze.  It's like Mountain Dew's slogan Do The Dew but instead its Breathe The Breeze.  Hey that's a lot to think about in the future by which I mean the present.  You know, crap like that makes life worth living.
    I wonder if Pet Semetary is friends with The Pursuit of Happyness.  All the titles with wrong spellings get together somewhere and enjoy each others' company one would imagine.  It's the 17th paragraph or something.  Something like that.  Anyway.  I stopped paying attention to the Return of the Living Dead commentary when I started writing this entry.  One has to wonder what one might have missed.  Why am I talking like Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man.  Huh.  Now that I think about it, that's a strangely accurate pull.  Interesting.  My mind minus cigarettes is constantly surprising me.  Sometimes good ways, sometimes bad.  But it's been fun to see some changes.   
    19th paragraph by my current tally.
  Figure this'll be the penultimate.  So, great.  Now back to no entry life.  Whole weekend with nada.  Well, Pet Semetary.  That'll set the mood for the rest of the weekend.  Then one would imagine life will unfold in some predictable way and I'll be all like eh and whatnot will continue as it has been on that which course has been set oh so many moons ago.  I think it takes balls to have a lunar calendar.  Mad respect for thems who do.  Hey there is no Met game to bet on tomorrow.  Whatta jip.  What am I supposed to do, Sports Bet on something other than the Mets doing positively?  Doesn't make sense.  I have no idea how to Sports Bet so I insist if I am sports betting it would only be on outcomes I insist on rooting for in any case.
    Last paragraph!  Probably the worst entry in years.  Years!  Worst!  Such is life.  But at least we got through it and I think we've all grown as a person and also now we know each other better plus now I'm less likely to get heart disease.  Whattado with the rest of my life.  I'm leaning towards do something easy which involves me not smoking but also involves me somehow being good at life in, lets say, 66% of the ways sounds fair and achievable what do you think.  I think the entry is over.  Then I shall take a bath-- not a shower!-- a bath!  Then walk around in a circle for 30 minutes, perhaps while listening to one of my The Uppers albums to see how it sounds off cigarettes.  Then eat a Pop Tart.  Then, fuck around some more for another hour or two, then go to sleep.  Hah.  Life.  Well, makes me laugh, at least.  See ya later.

-8:53 P.M.


Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Life Is Doing Stuff

        That's my takeaway from life.  Welcome to April!  This entry might end up being a bit different, mostly because I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a full 4 days and that has had a profound effect on my mind.  For the most part, good.  But, yeah, I've just been thinking differently.  Also, more health!  We're talking about now I breathe just like the normals do.  Right?  I can't stop reading these articles and watching these videos where they're like, 20 minutes after your last cigarette, this returns to normal.  48 hours, this thing returns to normal.  Because a lot of things have already returned to normal for me!  And it's been my life long dream to be normal, so its all very exciting.
    But my thinking is definitely affected.  Anyway.  Hasn't been too difficult so far, and I'm under the impression the first few days are the hardest, but I don't wanna jinx it or anything by claiming victory.  We'll see how it goes.  This all started because I had lost a few hundred dollars in poker, and told my Dad about it, and he was pissed because I had told him how much I was up in poker a couple of weeks ago, and he was sort of stalling on giving me the go ahead to give the BitCoin site a lot of private info so I could sign up with them so I can trade BitCoin so I can trade my Poker Money into BitCoin so I could trade that BitCoin into Cash so I could withdraw the Cash into my Bank Account.  And then, I lost a lot of it.
    So I started thinking, my life the last year or so has been all about making progress here and there.  Smoking.  Now's the time!  And everything just clicked and it's been relatively easy so far.  And, even if I smoke a cigarette in ten minutes, I've already saved 40 dollars over the last 4 days of not smoking.  So the point is because I lost a few hundred dollars in poker, it provided the jolt to save 100 thousand dollars over the next 30 years and increase my lifespan by 10 or 15 years.  That's my favorite part.  I get to say, nope-- going on tilt and losing a few hundred dollars didn't fuck my shit up-- it saved my life.  I get to pretend that me going on tilt actually turned out to be extremely good for me.  And you know what?  That logic makes a little bit of sense!
Also, the other bit of good news is I started walking in a circle in my room constantly.  I was helping my brother move into his new apartment on Saturday, and it finally hit me why I wasn't losing weight at the rate I imagined I should be.  Sure, I take 2 30 minute walks a day-- but 90% of the rest of the time I'm either sitting down or lying down.  People with jobs and friends and lives are walking all the time.  So now I started walking around in a circle in my room all the time and I'm positive it will both lead to me finally dropping the last 2-5 pounds I want to lose, and not-so-slowly drive me insane.  It's a win-win!  I get to be thin and crazy.   
    Anyway.  I'm not convinced there is a right way to pronounce Pete Buttigieg.  He may be telling us one thing, but what does he know, who made him the authority on how to pronounce things.  People pronounce my name differently and I've learned to embrace it.  Sure, my Dad, who gave me the name, goes Korn-Bloom.  But a lot of people will say Korn-Bluhm.  So either is fine.  Just because Pete wants it one way, he's not the boss of us!  He's never gonna be president with that kind of attitude, having the nerve to tell us how to pronounce things.  Not smart.  He's alienating a whoe segment of the population who instinctually wants to pronounce words differently.  Nope!  Not smart! 
    We, the voters, should have a say.  Hold a public referendum on how to pronounce it and he has to go along whatever we decide.  It's the only fair way of doing it.  Anyway.  Got a haircut and a shave yesterday.  I felt like my beard and headhair had accumulated a lot of cigarette smoke over the last few weeks/months, so if I really want a clean slate, gotta get rid of that hair.  True story!  Anyway.  Stand Up Class starts in five weeks.  I have a fantasy where somehow, I'm not sure of the specifics, this website has been passed around here and there, and I show up fifteen minutes before the first class, and the teacher is like Everyone I know reads Crazysheet somehow. ...Also, Here's 300,000 Dollars. Most of my fantasies end with, "... Also, Here's 300,000 dollars."  It's a wonderful tag to pretty much anything you can fantasize about.
    This lady just let me have sex with her!  Then she goes, You know what?  Here's 300,000 dollars.  I'm recording my first album in a studio with a great producer!  Then a suit bursts into the room and goes, I love it!  Here's 300,000 dollars.  My psychiatrist said I'm making progress mental healthwise!  Then he goes, Here's 300,000 dollars, I think you'll know what to do with it.  Anyway, what else is a wide world of sports.  The bad news is a burnt a small part of my lip on an hot pocket five days ago and it still hurts a bit.  Also, when I say, "An Hot Pocket," is it obvious I want you to pronounce it without the, "H," or do you just assume I made a mistake with grammar.  Write in your answers to someone's e-mail address.  It could be anyone.
    I don't know.  Eighth paragraph.  Got this far in roughly 40 minutes.  Wonderful.  I'm vaguely convinced that hot pockets are designed in such a way that they purposely make you burn your lip or tongue for some sort of reason that I don't completely understand.  I mean, it makes sense.  Today's modern products are designed so carefully and so exact that they must know people are burning their various mouthpieces by eating it the intuitive way.  My theory is they've done some calculations that when people burn their lip, oddly, it makes them want to eat more hot pockets to burn their lip even more.  People just like any strong sensation and they know if they eat more hot pockets they'll get that masochistic kick over and over again.  It's probably the biggest scandal of our time.
    Hey I'm gonna go make some coffee how about that.  I love consuming stuff!  That's one thing I've been thinking about what with not smoking cigarettes.  Just let me consume anything, it doesn't need to be cigarettes.  I mean, cigarettes are great things to consume.  You can do it over and over and over again and it works well with any occasion.  But it doesn't need to be cigarettes.  Just drink a lot of coffee.  Chew some gum.  Drink soda, eat an apple.  Watch TV, read the news.  Go on social media and take some Ritalin.  Pour some vodka and brush your teeth.  So many options in today's modern world to be the best consumer you can be even without smoking.
    Wide world of sports.  Bernie Sanders raised 18.2 million in the first quarter!  That sounds like a lot, but remember, Dumbo just made 46 million dollars in one weekend.  And by Dumbo I mean the movie-- not whatever reference you want me to mean jokingly by calling them dumb-- probably Trump makes the most sense-- because he's dumb-- and presumably raising money these days.  18.2 million in a few months?  Kevin Hart's stand up special movies make more than that.  So I think that means the people have spoken and they want Kevin Hart to run for president.  One can assume he's evolved on LGBTQ issues and also will be incredibly likeab--- wait no.  When he's playing a fool in a movie, he's likable.  When he's president and starts taking himself seriously, I'm gonna go ahead and guess he will no longer be likable.  Sorry.
    Is there a racially tinged element to conceptualizing Kevin Hart's deal as, "likable?"  Now that I think about it-- Yeah, probably!  Also, I think there's a Short Guy tinged element to it as well.  Those two things play off each other to help us get a sense of the entire Kevin Hart.  Also, his thing that he says is I Work Hard, and I think he's been successful in getting that message across, be it that we actually buy into him being a workhorse or if we just use that assertion as another way to help us get a sense of his priorities in terms of working his image, so it's really those three things that combine and are fluid and end up influencing how each of us individually think of Kevin Hart.
    I think I accomplished a lot in that paragraph.  Anyway, gonna go pour coffee.  Hey I'm back how about that.  Whatta clunker and whatnot.  12th paragraph.  Aiming for 20!  I can do that, sure, why not.  Still have some money on poker.  Certainly enough to continue to Sports Bet on the Mets winning.  Anyway.  15 minutes from a clean 4 days without cigarettes.  I don't really have intense cravings per say, but I am constantly just unconsciously preparing myself for the next cigarette.  Constantly just feeling ok time to smoke a cigarette, but without a real desire to, you know?  Like it's about that time again, but then me going no I don't do that anymore is very easy and my subconscious backs down immediately.  So that's how that goes.
    I was thinking about using purple in the color scheme this month.  Either white or black font on purple background, or purple font on black or white background.  In the end I didn't because I'm not a risk taker and that would really be going out on a limb and asking a lot of my audience to follow me out there.  So I'm playing it safe, but who knows, if I get some good responses to the idea, it may come about in a future month!  Anyway.  I got some Cocoa Powder to sprinkle in my coffee because the internet suggested it.  The result is not much of a difference in Taste of Coffee, and a huge difference in The Amount of Cocoa Powder that Explodes and Ends up Everywhere in the Kitchen.  So, some good, some bad, with the cocoa powder experiment.  And by, "That experiment," I mean choosing which words to capitalize in the previous sentence to that.
I just won 37 dollars on poker and am creeping up to a point where it might be sustainable again.  For a few days I had bottomed out to a point where losing it all either seemed inevitable, or if I were responsible, I would be able to cash out just a little bit of profit.  So, sure, I got that going on, I guess.  Too bad I can't do anything the next time I lose a couple of hundred of dollars on poker to make myself feel better.  I already am quitting smoking!  What else am I supposed to do to cosmically save or earn more money.  Whatta conundrum.  I'll have to start smoking again just to stop!  Meh.  It turns out I've been drinking more calories of low calorie coffee creamer than I thought.  At first I was like, I've only been drinking the suggested serving size of coffee creamer, thus consuming the amount of calories they specify.  Then I looked closer and thought, oh no!  I've been drinking a huge amount more than the suggested serving size!  Then, once more, I finally realized, Nope-- I've been drinking more than the suggested serving size-- but not an obscene amount more. 
    It was a real rollercoaster ride of emotions.  But all in all I feel like I'm a better man now because of it.  Experiences like that can make you or break you as a person.  Anyway, what paragraph we into.  15!  How about that crap.  I hope Theresa May calls for one final Brexit Vote in May and pleads to be allowed one more month in power for it to happen and then the newspaper headline in a month is May May'd It To May.  I don't know a lot about England but I feel like the set up was close enough to making sense and/or being relevant that the punch line was earned to some extent.  What else is going on.  Got some Omelet to eat for dinner tonight.  I don't hate omelets.  Hence me ordering it in order to consume it. 
    That settles that!  Five paragraphs to go, what a world, what a world.  I like playing poker while walking around in a circle in my room because it changes the rhythm at which I play in a fun way.  The other players have to deal with a little bit more lag, because it takes me a few extra seconds to circle around to my computer to hit either call, raise, or fold, but you know what?  Fuck them.  I don't owe it to them to let them see more hands in a finite portion of time.  I can take my time and I will take my time!  Jeez.  I think that actually did affect me unconsciously.  I would be acting quickly for some reason, and that subconscious reason was if I were playing against me I'd want to be making quicker decisions to see more hands.  And since I'm such a subconsciously nice person, I extend that courtesy to my opponents.  But not anymore! 
    Sure I guess.  Wha else.  I saw New York banned plastic bags in most cases.  First they came for the plastic bags, and I said nothing.  Then they came for the other things the kid in American Beauty liked to videotape, and I still said nothing.  Then they came for other objects you can use to help you autoerotic asphyxiate yourself, and I still said nothing.  I feel like hoarding plastic bags will become the new normal.  And there's gonna be a big black market of plastic bags in the seedy underbelly of New York City.  It'll be like prohibition, but for plastic bags.  And rival gangs will go to war for control of the plastic bag game.  And other things that come to the verge of being humorous, especially if they were being explored by someone more clever than I.
    What else can I say to pad the length of this bullshit.  Officially over 96 hours without a cigarette!  Hah.  Whatta great person I am, totally succeeding at life in every way imaginable.  Yes indeed.  Maybe a little too much coffee creamer, but hey, we all have our Achilles' heel!  Achilles had two of 'em!  Maybe only one was defective, I'm not sure, I don't have all the details!  Only about 35-40% of them!  Jeez.  Figure I can fit in around 2, 2 and a half hours easily of walking in a circle in my room over te rest of the day.  Which, obviously, doesn't include the half an hour I'll spend walking outside after dinner.  Cause that's outside.  Right now we're calculating Walking In a Circle In My Small Bedroom exercise.  Also, halfway through each session, I change the direction I'm going in!  I've been going counterclockwise for 20 minutes?  Fuck That!  I'm gonna walk countercounterclockwise for the next 20 minutes!
    That way I exercise all the muscles.  One would imagine walking in one cyclic direction wouldn't be even to all my muscles and whatnot.  Two more paragraphs to go!  Whatta joy.  Being 4 days into not having a cigarette, every action I take is supplemented with a thought in the minor key, will this help or hinder my perceived ability to continue not smoking.  For example, writing this entry.  There was some thought into will writing the entry possibly bring up feelings and instincts that would encourage me to smoke?  Or, is the opposite true?  Writing the entry is just one more life experience while not smoking to get me a few hours more over the edge and normalize doing these things like writing an entry without smoking a cigarette.
So far, my instinct has been to just keep doing stuff, and so far that's worked.  Anyway, last paragraph.  I don't know what to tell you. ...Just took a 10 minute break to look at possible cookies to get from supermarket.  So, sure, that's what my life is like, why not.  The point is hey whatta do with the rest of my day other than walk in a circle.  I need to be walking in a circle to something.  Either to TV, or music, or a podcast.  Something.  Can't just walk in a circle.  The point is the entry is over except for the fact that I need a few more sentences to end this paragraph so its roughly the same length as every other paragraph.  If its shorter, that will upset people.  But the real point is now its long enough.  I'll see ya later.

-3:47 P.M.

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