Monday, December 28, 2015
Titles Are Great For Some Reason
way, entry time. It's probably Monday. That's how I feel. I'm
worn out. Doing all this nothing is really taking its toll on me.
Still haven't learnt how to pitch. Still haven't gotten my grade.
Still haven't done a lot of stuff. Let's see, adult. I'm an adult
for all intents and purposes. How will that guide me in the coming weeks.
It's the world's birthday in a couple of days. Well, who knows. I
know the world was created in seven days, I have that on good authority.
But who knows the date of the first day. If Man is not around to measure
the date in a forest, does it make a sound? Something to think about if
you don't like thinking and want to continue not liking thinking. I always
imagined the Garden of Eden being in spring or something. Never even
considered it being winter. Oh well, live and learn. That isn't
quite correct. I always imagined the Garden of Eden as not existing.
There we go. My fourth grade of Hebrew School, which was sixth or seventh
grade overall, we had a teacher who would give us points for answering questions
correctly. Now I can't get the image of Chris Hardwick standing in front
of a Hebrew School class yelling Points!
I don't know why I'd want to get rid of that
image. I'd be perfectly happy with that in my mind's eye for the rest of
my time on this planet. I think this was the same teacher who called me
and my friends, who sat in the back of the class, The Peanut Gallery.
Which I believe is a reference to something. Coulda been a regular school
teacher. I don't have all the details. I know I had a Spanish
teacher in middle school who called me Miguelito. Pretty sure she
was coming onto me. It's a term of affection, this much is certain.
So apparently she liked what I was putting out there. That's how I feel.
Yeah I know it means Little Michael, and I was/am/always will be
little. But I'd like to think she wanted my sex. Let's stick with
that. I don't like how in middle school and high school Spanish, they skip
the familiar We, or the formal We, or some other thing that
they always skip over. Because supposedly it's not always used. Stop
cutting corners! I'm paying good money with other people's taxes to learn!
Also, if everyone can go to college for free, sure, it'd be great, but won't we
need more colleges? Something to think about.
That's how I feel and so on and what crap. Colleges
sprouting all over the place. I'm on board. It creates more college
towns. Which are great for some reason. People listening to R.E.M.,
drinking lattes, hackey sack all over the place. I'm not sure what a latte
is. I'm hardly even sure what an R.E.M. is. What's going on in the
wide world of hackey sack. It's always hackey sack somewhere.
Cause they're stoned. I feel bad for the joke, I just flew in from
wherever, and boy are my arms tired! One person, some person, one
day, thought of that joke for the first time. He was probably like, Heh,
that's mildly funny. Now it's the go-to hack comedian joke. He
must feel terrible about it. Or maybe he's happy everyone knows his joke,
even if they don't know him. I was just masturbating, and boy are my
arms tired! That's one way to go, I suppose. Either way, crap
and crap. I just drove in from whatever, and boy are my legs
tired! You know, driving Flintstone-style, and whatnot? Maybe that
one was above your heads. Trust me, your kids are gonna love it.
I don't think I've seen one second of the Flintstones cartoon. Maybe a
Yabba-Dabba-Doo! at one point. Even possible I've never seen
that. I have no idea how or why they cornered the market of children's
vitamins, though. Some things just have to go unanswered.
Anyway, great and whatever. Year winding down.
2016 coming up. No gettin' around it, we're in the shit of this century.
Anyway. What else and crap. I don't like Smokey The Bear.
First of all, his name being smokey? Then we're associating smoke with
positive things, assuming he's a positive figure. Counterintuitive.
Two-- only I can prevent forest fires? You're putting too
much responsibility and pressure on me. Lay off, man. Three-- Who
cares that much about forest fires? Don't we have more pressing issues?
Probably. That'd be my guess. And why is a bear telling us this.
I'd trust a person over a bear. Don't make a lick of sense, I tell ya.
What else and crap. New Years Eve on Thursday. I think, watching the
ball drop in NYC, instead of chanting numbers backwards, we should chant
U-S-A! U-S-A! in these hectic times we need to think about
what's important. A crowd chanting U.S.A. is important. It's
important because it makes me laugh. I like it.
Anyway, what else and crap. I should learn how to
drive. That would be a productive and Adult way to spend the next month.
Scared of driving, though. You can get into an accident so easily.
And I have bad hand-eye coordination. And I can't remember all these rules
to the roads. So many potential problems. Yeesh. Also, you
can't drink and drive. That takes all the fun out of it!
Idiot. I had to take two Pepsid last night! #LivinHardcore.
That's how I feel. The good news is what else. I once heard you're
not hardcore unless you live hardcore. And apparently the legend of the
rent was way hardcore. I have it on good authority and whatnot and crapdom.
When I asked my brother how he would categorize my music, which is pretty
important because it comes up fairly often and I don't know what to say, he said
Melodic Punk. Don't know how accurate it is, but I like it.
Everyone likes melodies. Lots of people like punk. A few people like
me. It's a match made in that good place you go to when you die. I
wanna say Happyland.
Yeesh, what bullshit. Bullshit. That's how I
feel. This'll be the last paragraph. I guarantee it. Man,
January. Almost forgot about that month. It's been a while.
Yeesh. Let's see, adult, adult... I can start wearing socks.
That's one way to go. Get really good at Minesweeper. You know,
conquer my fears. That's an adult thing to do. Anyway. Wide
world of sports. I don't know. What else and crap. Gotta fifteen
dollar Fandango gift card. A twenty five dollar Amazon gift card.
Got that fifteen dollar Starbucks gift card from the other group's reading.
I'm amassing a lot of gift cards. Probably because I'm great. That's
one way to interpret it. Gotta figure out what to get from Amazon.
It's Amazon Electronics, specifically. I guess I can get a thing that does
stuff and whatnot. You know, electronically. That sort of thing.
What do you get the man who has everything. An automatic card
shuffler! Alright! What do you get the man who has nothing.
Anything, he's got literally nothing! Alright. See ya later.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Do Titles Mean Nothing To You?
Probably. That's how
I feel. What's going on in Wide World of Sports. Apparently there's
some sort of football going on. I don't have all the details. The
good news is Hello. My brother told me the album of my music I was pushing
on him he didn't like, but that he really liked another one. I don't know
how to tell him he is wrong. I asked for feedback, and my one and only
reaction is, No, you're wrong. That's how I feel. Just store
it in the part of my brain of people being wrong about things. I
believe that part of my brain is what makes alligators ornery. I don't
have all the details. Anyway. In a week it'll be 2016. You
know what that means. Time to buy a new calendar. Great. If
only there was a digital way of letting people know what day it is.
Technology isn't quite there yet. It'll happen. I don't get why
computer stuff is digital. Digit means fingers. Digital means of the
fingers. Is it because we use fingers on keyboards and computers? We
use fingers on everything. It's kind of our thing. The opposable
thumb makes us real unique. That's how I feel. Anyway.
Digit also means numbers. Yeah right. I ain't fallin' for
that one. I don't like how all phone numbers in movies start with 555.
It's like they're calling back to other movies each time they use it, even when
a callback is decidedly inappropriate. Come up with some new numbers you
That's how I feel. 2015 winding down. Never
woulda guessed it. Also, 867-5309. I don't even know that song and
somehow can remember the number. I guess I'm a musical learner.
Finally, good at something! It sure sounds like they're saying
8675-309. But that wouldn't make sense. Gotta use some logic when
computing that crap. High five! It was Christmas
yesterday or some crap. Two days ago. I knew I was off
by one! This sure is an entry. We're into the shit now. There
was a tornado in Dallas. Our thoughts and prayers are with the tornado. Nobody
wants to be in Dallas. Anyway, what crap and crap. Movie called
Makin' Mad Dallas' about a gang member making $$$ in the city of Dallas.
It could happen. It's only a matter of time. Eventually, assuming
making movies lasts forever, we're gonna have to use every combination of words
and/or slang words and/or misspellings of words. It's called playing
the waiting game you dolts. It'll happen. Of course, Madea
Does Dallas'll come firts. Either way, Hello! I was originally
gonna say, Madea Goes To Dallas For Some Reason, which is slightly
funnier on the scale of things that aren't really funny, but I remembered there
was another real film with Dallas in the title so decided to 555-callback to
Either way, who cares. Call back. Phone numbers.
There's a witticism somewhere in there one would imagine. Got some nice
presents for The Christmas. Automatic Card Shuffler, that's a cool novelty
to have. Basic set of tools. One would imagine that would be useful
to someone whose an adult. Probably some other things. Anyway,
great. Using your hands to shuffle is half the fun.
I'm not gonna argue with that, but respond with, isn't making a robot do your
busy work even more fun? That's how I feel. We might as well get
the most out of robots while we can, before they start making the most out of
us. Only a matter of time. I'd like to see a Tarot card reader who
uses an Automatic Card Shuffler. Get into the 21st century!
Let robots do the dirty work. Anyway, what else and crap. Possible
Potential Poker Excursion with my Uncle one time over the next couple of months.
Gotta get some sunglasses! I know people make fun of sunglasses at the
poker table, but I think it's great! You have no idea where I'm
looking! I could be looking at you, I could be looking at some other
guy, I could be taking a nap. Nobody knows for sure when you've got your
The point is it's a good investment. Especially
with Global Warming. The price of Sunglasses is only gonna go up.
Might as well get in on the ground level. Shouldn't they be called
Anti-sun-glasses? One would imagine. One would also imagine who
cares and shut up and get off my computer and/or phone and/or other device.
That's how that goes. I wonder if Neil Walker is related to Walker Texas
Ranger. Who was suspiciously absent last night in Dallas. That's
right-- he was doubling as The Tornado. Doin' some harm as his alter ego.
I wanna see a wrestler called The Tornado and his finishing move is running
around in a circle around his opponent faster and faster until his opponent gets
disoriented and susceptible to the pin. If Wrestling exists for the rest
of eternity, we're gonna eventually cover every possible gimmick a wrestler can
have. It's called playing the odds you dolts. Either way,
paragraph! Where was I. Oh, right. Paragraph. Anyway.
It's about time I learnt how to pitch in Blue Baseball. Gotta do
something. Why not that. I'll be throwing sliders all over the
place. In real life, you throw a slider so it looks like it's gonna be
over the plate and then slides into ball territory. I like throwing
sliders in ball territory that end up over the plate. It's fun.
The point is I'm a Baseball Visionary. That's been well
established over the past few months we've had together. In a few months,
coming in on the four year anniversary of this Crazysheet. Dang.
Four years. Has it been that long? Yes. That was the setup to
this bit that most likely won't go anywhere. The only thing I remember
from the first two years was in the first entry ever, I made a "joke," saying
John Leguizamo and Dom DeLouise starred in the Mario Bros. movie. I knew I
was wrong. I thought it was funny to be wrong about something for no
reason. Get a Facebook message from my brother -- I think it was Bob
Hoskins. Which annoyed me on two levels-- 1) I know it was Bob
Hoskins and 2) You don't need to sugarcoat your corrections to me.
None of this, I think nonsense. You know it was Bob Hoskins.
Had it up to here! I'm tired of it! Hey, Mario is the biggest
game in the universe! Let's get the biggest star to play Mario!
Then, 20,000 rejections later, settle on Bob Hoskins. Was Dom Delouise
not available? Jeez. Four years of this crap. Too long for
me, too long for you. Anyway. While not funny, that was the
qualifier for me saying I think Jack Black should play Wario. I stand by
that. It would be great and a half.
Mario has too many enemies. Let's talk about it.
Or, remember a few months ago when I talked about it. Either way,
paragraph! I know they're done with Fast & The Furious movies on account
of that one guy dying, but can't you just bring back the rest of the cast and
crew to make a Mario Kart movie? Something to think about.
Green shell? But I wanted a Red shell! So much more effective.
Stars are great. You know when you get a star, here we go, alright.
It's clobbering time. Or something like that. Anyway. Next
month, back to white font on black background. I can dig it. I'm
gonna have to change the date on the first entry to 2016, like a chump, though.
Anyway. Smoked some cat food. First time, felt a mild high, but that
was probably psychosomatic, because didn't feel anything the subsequent times.
So the good news is, I haven't smoked heroin. That's a relief.
Although I have smoked cat food. Probably. Gotta be something, am I
right? Ground pellets, sure. I've definitely smoked some ground
pellets before, now. We've all been there, right? There comes a time
in every man's life he's gonna smoke some ground pellets.
Either way, great. What else is going on.
Probably crap and things. The good news is is I got some Gelt. Ain't
it the greatest. I bitcoin and tasted some chocolate. That's how
that bullshit goes. Who cares if I made that joke previous holiday
seasons? If it's mediocre, no one's gonna remember it anyway.
That's my philosophy on things. My brother's like, I thought the lyrics
were unique! You're wrong. Lyrics are crap and a half.
Stop trying to sugarcoat things you dolt. The good news is the entry is
winding down. Not unlike 2015 The Year Of Our Lord. How can every
year be the year of our lord. Seems like the Lord would pick one or
two, no more than ten years to claim as his. Taking every year, seems
unfair. That's how I feel and crap. What else and crap. Spring
is coming up. Just three months away! Everyone loves Spring.
You meet someone who doesn't like Spring, you walk away. You don't wanna
be consorting with some fool who doesn't like spring. Something's wrong
Anyway. Crap and crap. Writing classes for
Spring! Fiction, gonna knock that out of the park with some Fresh Prince
fan fiction. Poetry, gonna rock that bitch with some out of this world
villanelles. I got it all covered. Maybe write some poems that are
crap and a half that people would mistake for unique. Can't put it past me.
I have the track record. Anyway. Still waiting for my grade for
creative writing fall class. My guess? B+ or A-. I'm gonna
guess B+. I did some extra credit, but we were supposed to send him a page
of comments for each short story and play, which I didn't do at all.
Supposed to be 10% of our grade. We'll see how that plays out in due time.
Due time! Either way, great. What else and crap. Jeez.
What else and crap. New Years is exciting. You never know what's
gonna happen. My guess? The year will increase by one. We'll
see how that goes.
Alright, crap and a half. Let's see what else is going
on. I like how the Twilight Zone marathon is on New Years. It's like
the Twilight of years. Genuis! Wait, I mean, genius. There we
go. Second try. I'm improving! You give me two shots at
spelling words, odds are, I'm gonna get it. I know most words even on the
first shot. Don't mean to brag. What else and crap. Yeesh.
February 29th. Haven't had that in 2012. That's a long time.
Roughly four years by my calculations. I don't like how on 2000 we skipped
leap year. Where does 2000 get off. I'm not a fan. Not a fan!
Wait, I think we didn't. I think it goes, you skip every hundred
years, except not every fourth time. I don't have all the details.
Really lookin' forward to that new calendar to set things straight. It
would be pretty impressive if you get a paper calendar that covers every year,
past, present, and future. That would be sweet. January 1st--
Hang in there! January 2nd-- Keep Hanging in there!
January 3rd-- You get the idea! Genuis. Shit, I meant to
spell it right that time. Even when I know it I can't get it. Such
is life. Anyway, see ya later.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Titlin' II The Extreeme
Hi friends. It's
still December. I shoulda known that would happen. Either way,
Wintertime. The Mets made a big signing for a guy that's terrible.
That's a productive use of their roster budget. If you sign enough guys
that are terrible, who knows how that might pay off eventually in the future
potentially. One would imagine there's a possible positive effect from
their move, who am I to judge. The good news is Hello. There's four
Wishmaster movies. I'm pot committed after watching the first one.
How terrible. Doesn't seem right. Anyway. Thursday, eh.
I shoulda guessed. Especially after yesterday having been Wednesday.
That's how I feel. What's going on in Wide World of Sports. I've
been seeing commercials for the 2016 Olympics. I have no interest in that.
Their sports are crap. Hey, a guy swimming in a line! A guy
running in an oval! Boring ass crap. Gimme some Karate. I
wanna see a swan kick. Whatever you call that. Over and over.
Too bad Daniel La Russo wouldn't qualify to be in the Olympics. He's just
a kid. Right there in the title. It's Christmas tomorrow. How
about that. Let's see, entry, entry... Rule one of entry: gotta have
words. I can handle that. I know all sorts of words. Rule
two-- put words into sentences. That's certainly doable. I've been
doing it all throughout this first paragraph. Within my skill set it is.
Rule three: paragraphs. We'll cross that bridge when it comes.
Hey, it came! And we crossed it! Adult!
Let's see. Wide world of sports, wide world of sports...
The Mets are being real jerks. They have a huge opportunity with the cheap
outstanding starting pitching. Just get Cespedes or one of the other
premium guys. Don't be assholes you assholes. Not satisfied with
paying four million dollars to a guy whose numbers are below a replacement level
player. Talk about a Wide World of Sports. Someone oughtta photoshop
an unflattering picture of Bartolo Colon with the text Wide World of Sports.
Cause of his overweightness. That's how I feel. I got lots of good
photoshop ideas. Like that one. And another one or two, one would
imagine. Christmas tomorrow. There's a good chance I will get a gift
that's wrapped. Like a book or something. Nothing better than that.
Holy Shit, fuckin' gift wrapped, ribbon on top. This is the best thing
ever. It could be anything! Who knows! Even if it's just a
book, you get the fun of unwrapping while the possibilities are still limitless.
There's a chance I won't get that opportunity. Maybe just a envelope with
a check. I'll take it, I guess.
Hey, presents are good. I ain't sayin' anything
nobody already doesn't doesn't know. I guess I'm not as good at
sentences as I thought. Oh well, live and learn. The good news
is well into the entry now. Pot committed to finishing it and so on and
whatnot. Let's see. Egg Nog is disgusting. Can we all agree on that?
Probably not. I don't care, my opinion is great most of the time. I
find I almost always agree with my opinion. The numbers don't lie. A
week from New Years. That's great. x/x/16 doesn't seem so bad.
I can get used to that. x/x/17, though, that's gonna be ridiculous.
Nobody wants 17. 16 is where it's at. Next year is a leap year.
You know, the one year we don't leap? What's the
deal with things. I bring up the leap year/non leaping conundrum a
lot. You'd think I'm really, really passionate about the thing based on
how much I bring it up. Maybe I am. Maybe I am. Anyway,
what else and crap. I've been waking up late as crap. Two, two
thirty, around that area. And it's not like I'm going to sleep late.
I just get like 14 hours of sleep each night. Adult...?
Maybe. Who knows for sure.
Right, right... What else. I've been on
Cholesterol Medication for a week or two at this point. My cholesterol has
got to be outstanding. Too bad there's not a home test you can take.
I wanna see how much progress I made. Give me a little spring in my step
on account of having accomplished something. Of course, I need to
eat three blocks of cheese every night to make sure my Cholesterol doesn't get
too low. Doctor's orders. Anyway, what else and crap.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Why do you want to keep the
doctor away? Doctor is your friend. Only looking out for your best
interests. You keep the doctor away, you're bound to get sick sooner or
later. Anyway, what else and crap. I gotta learn how to pitch.
In video game. It can't be that hard. And once I learn, I can pitch
all the time. Just gotta learn once. I bought it used, and I don't
think there's an instruction manual. Whatta gip. That's probably why
the original owner got rid of it. Too hard to pitch. Anyway.
What else, indeed. Let's see, crap and crap. Why
can't I just get myself the guitar/vocal teacher. I'm too intimidated
about the commitment. Anyway. I'm pumped up now about learning to
pitch. It can't be that hard. Right? Probably. Once I
learn how to pitch, I can devote much of my winter vacation to video game
baseball. That's a productive use of time one would imagine. Anyway.
Stupid Wishmaster movies. Complete and utter crap. Pot committed,
though. I forget the name of the channel, but it's the channel aimed
towards black women, and I've watched movies on it two nights in a row.
Cause that's the kind of guy I am. White Man Can't Jump Tuesday, Car Wash
Wednesday. To be honest, I expected more from Car Wash. Supposed to
be an iconic movie. Was pretty boring, gotta say. White Men Can't
Jump was ok. Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes as one can only describe
as, "Likable." That's how I feel. Anyway, what else and crap.
My main thought throughout the movie was, Is that really good basketball?
I don't know. Did they train the actors to be good at basketball?
Did they use stunt doubles and movie magic to make it seem they're good at
basketball? Or is it really just mediocre basketball that I'm supposed to
accept as good basketball? These are the real issues.
Alright, one more paragraph. That's how I feel.
I like the part where White Men Can't Jump. It's a pivotal scene in
the movie. Also, if you're a white man jumping, you need some pivot.
Or something. I don't have all the details. Anyway. I'm pretty
sure I'm not the target audience for Car Wash. Oh well, live and learn.
What else and carp. Almost done with this bullshit. That's a net
positive. A crazysheet.net positive. Yeesh. Christmas, eh.
Christmas is great. I like the part with the Christmas. That's how I
feel. I don't get what's so great about A Christmas Story. Pretty
mediocre movie. I don't get it. Maybe if I grew up with Christmas it
would resonate with me for some reason. I don't know. It's a pretty
mediocre Christmas that happens in the movie. Maybe that's what good about
it. Makes you feel better about your own Christmas. I don't have all
the details. Anyway. See ya later.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Bad Riddance To Good Rubbish
That's how I feel.
What's up party people. Did my reading tonight. Knocked it out of
the park. Foul. Still, a hit, as far as my family is concerned.
I got just enough laughs to make me feel good about it. That's a pretty
important barometer. Now I got a month off, then, back to writing crap.
That's not what a barometer is. Who really knows what a barometer is.
Dictionary, probably. They named R.E.M. I heard about it in a
Trivia. The coffee shop was playing Bright Eyes, Smiths, R.E.M.
This is my dojo. Indie music that lamewads like me know and enjoy.
The good news is what now. Probably a lot of bullshit and crapdom.
Star Wars made half a billion dollars in one weekend. I couldn't even make
half a billion dollars in an entire year probably. How many laser guns are
there in Star Wars. Probably a lot. Not light sabers, those are
played out. Just generic guns that shoot lasers. That's what I wanna
see. The good news is huh? I think I have to get guitar/vocal
teacher. I have to do something. Also, maybe I could sell him some
ground pellets that he can flip for a profit. The good news is I got to
use the coffee shop bathroom as much as I wanted. Only one toilet, but I
made it work.
Man, there's a lot of good news. Just too bad that I'm
only saying it's good news for humor. That's crap. Boy am I gonna
miss this class. All the memories that were made. What with the
workshops and the group meetings and the... well, one would imagine a third
thing happened. Onward and upward, as they say. In I wanna say Star
Wars lingo. Right? Probably. They go onward and/or upward all
the time in those movies. I don't wanna take classes in 2016. That's
the future. The future is no time to be taking classes, who knows what's
gonna happen. Gotta do something. I had a dream I needed 150 credits
to graduate. That doesn't seem right. That would push my graduation
to around 2034. The point is I need a guitar teacher to act as a
go-between-man for drug deals. Fake drug deals. I'm not
looking to get arrested here. I can't go to prison. You know what
they do to guys like me in prison. Hold them in cells. And maybe
give 'em a haircut once a month. Gotta look spic and span for your court
hearings and conjugal visits. I'd have a hard time arranging a conjugal
visit. I can't even get any here out on the streets. Doesn't seem
right. It would sure give me some time to read a lot, though. Which
is great, because I've got a bunch of TV Guide Magazines backed up.
Which is great, because it ended that paragraph. Ending
paragraphs is second only to beginning paragraphs in making me happy throughout
the entry. And they come at roughly the same time. What joy!
Anyway. There's gotta be stuff to do. It's a Whole Wide World of
Sports. You're tellin me I can't find an enjoyable and productive use of
my time? How dare you. Get off my website! And don't give me
any I'm a fictional person, just a straw man crap. You know who you
are and you know what you did. And I'll never forget #69.
Wait, got my numbers confused. #69NeverForget. Yeesh and crap.
I remember something being the summer of 69. I don't remember the
specifics. Lord Byron Adams said it. Hillary Clinton ended the
debate by saying, "May the Force Be With You." I said it would be Harrison
Ford. I was this close! I think that qualifies as
covering the spread, which is a term I heard somewhere and may or may not be
appropriately used here. The good news is huh?
Anyway. The first thing I should say to my guitar teacher is, I keep
pressing the buttons but nothing seems to work. That'll get him in the
zone for teaching the likes of me.
Anyway, great. Gotta do stuff. Can't go to the
McDonalds to write. They closed it down. That's no good.
That's decidedly not good news. The good news is I'm on Cholesterol
Medication. Adult! Let's see, Adult has replaced Hero. So now,
my goal in life should be to do adult stuff. How would adult handle this
winter break. Build birdhouses? I have adult confused with
something else. Not sure what. I know! Get really into Magic:
The Gathering. No, no, that's no good either. Get a guitar
and vocal teacher! No, that doesn't sound right. Jeez.
Oh, I know. Fantasize about starting a podcast. What, no, that's
way off! I'm running out of ideas here, man! Let's see.
Start preparing for Fantasy Baseball 2016. Really get into it.
You know, the sad thing is, that's the best idea I've had so far. Hmm,
gotta top that one. I'm in my prime, let's remember that. In my
prime, gotta do something adult. Let's see. I don't like playing
Minesweeper. Too much pressure. I don't wanna set off a bomb.
Nobody wants that. Wait, I got side tracked. Not sure what set off
that comment. Let's see, adult, adult... Get my driver's
license? Not the sexiest idea, but probably a good one. I'll put
that in the maybe pile. Me, I'm looking for the sexiest idea.
Let's not forget, my libido is in it's prime, also. Probably.
Haven't done the math or crunched the numbers. It's an educated guess.
Let's see. Adult, adult... Make some adult
friends? Easier said than done you moron. That ain't ever gonna
happen. I was this close to making friends this semester, and then it was
all tooken away from me! All over. Doesn't seem right. They
wouldn'ta been adult friends, anyway. Pretty sure the median age of my
group was 14. That's why they all looked up to me. I was like a
father figure to these people. They respected me 100% and probably loved
me to the greatest extent possible. And now it's like my children have
been taken away from me. Anyway, adult, adult... Read that backlog
of TV Guides, that's a given. I can always quit cigarettes and then start
again a week later. That's an adult way to spend my time. Let's see.
Adult, adult... II know! Podcast!
What will it be about, though. Probably just me interviewing the greats.
That seems doable. I am both practiced in the art of interviewing and have
access to the greats. That joke ain't adult at all. As
I've been saying, ADULT, ADULT... Let's see.
Redesign Minesweeper so there's no risk of bombs. Just smooth sailin'.
Click one, they all fall down and you win. I'd play that over and over and
over and over and over. Now all I need to do is learn computer science.
Can't be that hard.
Adult, adult... I guess I can watch adult T.V. like Fargo and
one would imagine a second reference. You can even imagine a third, if you
like pressing your luck. Let's see. No, watching T.V. ain't even in
the maybe pile. It's not adult at all! Unless it's Fargo. My
parents like that show. They're well within the adult specification.
Anyway. I did pretty good reading my play. Certainly not great, but
solidly average. Would I have liked more laughs? Certainly.
But there were certainly enough to keep me placated. And it being a cart
girl as my counterpart, and them only saying half their curses, still turned out
okay. It gave my cursing even more oomph. And you could cut that
sexual tension with a knife. There used to be a wrestler called Sexual
Chocolate. I wouldn't lie to you. Weird thing about him?
White. I guess. Adult, adult... And another thing
what's the deal with Big Poppa Pump. Adult, adult... let's get back
on track. Trying to figure out what to do with my winter vacation.
As much as I'm hesitant to do it, guitar/vocal teacher really seems to be
strides ahead of any other idea. It's a big commitment.
It's not really. It is for me, so Back Off!
Let's see, back off, back off... Hmm. What is
this, the seventh paragraph? Get a load of that crap. Get a
Minesweeper coach. We'll put that in the maybe pile. Anyway.
This entry wasn't a great way to get on the Adult track. Seems kinda silly
and immature. That's how I feel. It's hard being an adult living
with your parents. They make me feel like a kid. Not a fan!
But they pay for everything. I'm a fan! Jeez. I don't usually
write entries this late. That's how I feel. Watching T.V. in the
90's, you really had to get your head in the game. Watchin' the guide
revolve every three or four minutes. You gotta be on your toes.
Anyway. This sure was an entry. Still haven't resolved how to be an
adult in the coming weeks and months. I'll think on it for some time.
See ya later.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Whassup friends and loved
ones. I feel bad for people who aren't loved ones. What not
one freakin' person loves you? That's gotta sting. We've all
been there, am I right. Probably not. Either way, wide world of
sports. I got a haircut like an Adult. And you all doubted me.
That's gotta sting and so on and whatcrap. Man, is my face more chubbs than
I'm comfortable with. Barbershop mirrors don't like. They'd have no
motive. Anyway. Still got those street pellets packed away. I
threw em out, then unthrew them out. It's called being an adult.
People in China are starving... for street pellets. I remember I once
found a huge bag of white powder in my closet, which used to be my brother's
closet. I moved into his room when he went to college because it's bigger.
So I found this huge bag of cocaine, and, anyway, what's the deal with...
wait what? Probably was flour for a home ec project. Or flour
for a science project. Or flour to sell to addicts as an aborted get rich
quick scheme. Either way, fake drugs are a tradition in my family.
That's the point. I mean, we all drink diet soda. That's the epitome
of fake drugs I guess. Gotta really act up tomorrow. Really make a
scene. These are sayings puns. Enjoy. It's all about
nailing the first line. Take a tip from an acting pro. You start out
in a groove, you continue in a groove. That's too much pressure right
out of the gate. I'm not gonna argue with that. It is too much
pressure right out of the gate.
Speaking of Right Out of The Gate, I saw a Bobcat Goldthwait
movie from the 80's where he's friends with a talking horse. Doesn't get
much better than that. Pretty impressive how they got that horse to
talk for the movie. I'm not sure how they coaxed that out of a barnyard
animal. It's funny because he pretends not to understand things.
Adult! I have to figure out how to get to Reading tomorrow by public
transportation. Why God, What Did I Do To Deserve This. I'm
no good at figuring out what to do to get from point A to point B if I've never
done it before. I know the quickest route's a straight line. I have
that on good authority. Anyway. The good news is I don't know how to
pronounce the name of the place. What else and crap. Movies are fun.
I like watching them. I don't know what you do with them. Today's a
Saturday? Dang. Christ Day is on Friday! I love Christ Day!
Christ is the best. Ain't he the best? Drinkin' out of unfancy cups
at the last supper, spelling Jehovah in Latin... wait I'm just thinking of
Indiana Jones. Anyway, what else. The Last Supper sounds
like what they would have called a movie about the demise of Christ. I
guess Bible Stories were the Movies of two thousand years ago. Let's
talk about it.
What else and crap. Maybe my Play will become a
Bible Stories of our time. There's a pretty good chance I think. I
watched Wish Master yesterday. Horror movie by Wes Craven. It says
it came out in 1997, but I'm pretty sure it came out in 1987. The
look of the film, the characters, the plot, everything points to 87. They
insist on 97. Pretty sure it's 87. They reference Robin
Williams playing a genie in Aladdin. Well, maybe they just were magical
at predicting things in 87. Pretty sure it's 87. That's how I
feel. Why would Wes Craven go from Scream back to an eighty's horror
movie. Don't make a lick of sense. Also, pretty unimpressed by the
final wish the character does which was the exact right wish to save the day.
I found it pretty pedestrian and decidedly not good enough to save the day.
That's how I feel. If she said, I wish this movie was over and then
the credits roll at 4x the speed to Benny Hill music, that's an A+, I leave the
theater satisfied. Anyway, what else. I would bet dollars to donuts
that the last line in Star Wars: Here We Go Again is Harrison Ford saying
May the force be with you. Sure, the odds aren't that great,
but think of all the donuts I stand to win! That's a good bet. I
don't get the Time To Make The Donuts commercial. I feel bad for him,
having to get up so early to make the donuts. Get an extra two hours of
sleep, I'll come at 10. That's how I feel and bullshit. The
McDonalds near my house closed down. I blame gentrification. Or
global warming. Probably one of those two, I'd bet.
Anyway, great, just great. I've been 27 for a week.
That's more time I've been 27 than any time in my life. Let's let that one
sink in for a moment. Or, move on extremely quickly, feeling bad for me
that I wrote it and bad for yourself that you read it. The choice is
yours. The force be with you. I watched Coming To America yesterday,
too. I wonder if a racist ever watched it, not knowing Eddie Murphy was
playing multiple parts, and went, Look, everyone gets angry when I say this,
but, I swear, They All Look Alike! It's a joke worth considering as
mediocre. That's how I feel. Adult! That was one of my
Dad's favorite movies to quote when I was a kid. The beginning where the
guy claps his hands and says, Wipers! to summon the people who wipe Eddie
Murphy's ass for him. My Dad enjoys that kind of crap. Anyway, what
else. My Dad offered to pay for car service for me to get to Reading.
Whatta hero. He's alright in my book! Who cares about how I will get
home. We can worry about that when it happens. For now,
smooooooth sailing. Anyway. Remember the time Jesus named
Indiana Jones after a dog. Wait, that was Sean Connery. Playing
a character. Not actually him. I always liked that piece of trivia
that Sean Connery was only eight years older than Harrison Ford playing his
father. I like trivia. Makes me happy.
Great. I have weird eyes, I noticed looking in the
barber mirror. All sunken and crap. Bags around my eyes like I
haven't slept in days. I'm not a fan! They say that eyes are the
window to the soul. I say, stop looking at my soul you jerk!
My body is down here! Way down here. Anyway, great.
They say that blog is the window to the Achilles Heel. Well, if
they don't, they should start now. That's how I feel. Is
Thanksgiving over yet? I feel like it's over. It's been a while by
my calculations. I've been on Lipitor for a week or two now, and I feel
great. I can tell my Cholesterol is way down. Just got an extra
spring in my step. If you'd look into my eyes, you'd see. Eyes are
the window to Cholesterol Level. That's how I feel and crap. Two
weeks from Yesterday is 2016. That's not supposed to happen. That's
way past my birth year. Adult! I mean, Crap, Adult!
That's not supposed to happen. February 29th coming up, though, at least.
My paternal grandfather died on the 29th. Of February. He's been
dead for several years, it appears. Anyway, great, just great. He
delivered newspapers at night from a truck. That sounds great. I
want to hear newspaper- from-truck stories! Apparently they have a really
good union. When my Dad was a teen, his Dad went to his mom, Look,
there's an opening in the Newspaper Truck Union. It's now or never for our
young Michael's Dad. His Mom wasn't for it. My
Michael's Dad is destined for greater things one would imagine!
And it turns out... they were wrong. Oh well, live
and learn. Jeez. Pretty sure Newspaper Truck people were abstained
from the draft for Vietnam. Also, is abstained the right word?
Decidedly probably not. It sure is close, though! Exempt, there we
go. That's the word I was looking for. Better late than never.
There's a job that's going by the wayside. Newspaper Delivererer. Oh
well. It's all done electronically now. The newspaper faxes the
newspaper to the residence or work place. What else and crap. I've
said it before, and I'll say it again-- The epitome of future communication
technology in Back II The Future II was having fax machines in every room of
your house. Little piece of trivia. Trivia makes me happy!
That's been established. Also, another way to get back to the future in
Back II The Future III? Go to the highest spot you can and just drop off a
cliff. You'll get to 88 miles per hour eventually one would imagine.
Anyway, great. What else is going on in Wide World of
Sports. Things and crap, probably. Anyway. Reading tomorrow.
I'm gonna knock it out of the park. Everyone's gonna be like, Oh, this
was so great, I'm gonna visit his blog and music! Lure em in with some
good acting, then, bam, they're invested in everything you do. It's
Moneyball, you wouldn't understand. I do have a song called I'm Doing a
Character. You'd think that'd be qualification enough to do a
character. You'd think that if you're stupid, at least. You might be
stupid. I wouldn't put it past you. I don't mean to brag, but I
probably have at least one reader of the blog that isn't me. You!
That settles that. Yeesh. I just took a dinner break. You know
what that's like, right. I had some soup. What's the deal.
Saturday, eh. That makes tomorrow Sunday. I've crunched the numbers.
I almost watched It's a Wonderful Life for the first time a day or two ago.
Started out with stars talking to each other. Just couldn't get on board.
The stars were angels I guess. But they were stars. Somethin' didn't
smell right, is all I'm sayin'.
Alright, last paragraph. Knock it out of the park time.
I figured out a new way to jam-on-guitar-nonsense yesterday. Hook my
8-track up to my amp, play some chords, then solo over them. It's fun and
a half. That's 1.5 fun! Lotta fun. Makes me almost want to
consider doing it again some day. We'll address that when we have to.
I remember playing a B at some point. See, makin' progress already.
I like B7s. That's a funky chord. Lotta fun if you're playin' some
B7s. Anyway. Gotta smoke some ground pellets. When the
time is right. Yeesh. The Democratic debate is tonight. I
might watch it because I'm a fan of Democracy. Always have been. So
much better than the others. I also get off watching people stand behind
podiums. Whatever floats yer boat, am I right? Probably.
I'm right roughly 70% of the time. I like those odds! Anyway, what
crap and crap. Is it illegal to throw firecrackers in coffee houses?
Cause, if so, there goes my opening. It's okay, I'll survive. I
don't even have any firecrackers. Wouldnta happened anyway. The good
news is I'm done with this crap. See ya later.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Now We're Talking
Well, typing, at least.
And we're not typing. We're reading. I extend the reading to myself.
I'm reading what I'm typing. Very quickly. I know what's coming up
next! Well, at least one or two words ahead. Most of the time.
I finish a sentence, I'm as lost as you are. Either way, what's going on
in sports. They're still not letting Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame.
How dare you. That guy got a ton of hits. More than I could get,
that's for sure. My Mom calls everything where the batter makes contact a
hit. Ground ball, pop up, foul ball. All hits in her book. I'm
on board! Let's measure that statistic. I think they do.
I'll I think they do you! Either way, sports. I think you
should be allowed to have a 24 man roster with two managers. Lead
managers. No bench coach bullshit. Two heads are better than one.
And they can do rock-paper-scissor to decide whose in charge of the bullpen for
any given at bat. Give two sets of signs for every play. Keep the
players on their toes. That's how I feel. What else and crap.
I made a list of my top ten favorite movies. You know, for fun.
This Is Me. I liked making fun of myself for identifying myself with
my DVD collection, I decided to move forward with the bullcrap. It's tough
though, it's gotta be constantly in flux. You might see a movie again and
be like, Nah, not doin' it for me anymore. Also, Back II the
Future: All III are all about flux. Capacitor. It's what makes time
travel possible. Did I include Back II The Future in my top ten?
Possibly. I forget. I remember considering it. That's as far
as I can remember.
I can't remember very far. This was three days ago.
Jeez. Sequel to 8 Mile focusing on Future. I'd watch that if push
came to shove. Also, push comes to shove very often. Practically
synonymous. That's how I feel. It's almost Winter. What's the
deal with that. Am I right. If Julius or Augustus were so great, how come
they don't got whole seasons named after them. My verdict?
Not so great. Have you heard about what happened to Julius? Had no
friends. All his friends decided to kill him. That's not the sign of
a Mr. Popular. Still named a month after him. Reminds me of Harvey
Dent in The Dark Knight movies. Gotta get rid of him, but still honor him.
That's how I feel. That would explain Batman Month. I didn't
think that joke all the way through. I rarely do, come to think of it.
I don't get why the month song is so accurate at helping people. The
thirty days has... song. Half the months rhyme with each other.
Seems like people would be slipping up relatively often. That's how I
feel. Also, if Star Fox doesn't make a cameo in the new Star Wars, I don't
know what will happen. Riots. People taking to the streets.
I'm not a big fan or riots. Who hears some bad news, and goes, well,
gotta leave the house to go cause a ruckus. I'll be back in three days!
It's not normal behavior. If you're rioting, you've
been waiting for an excuse to riot your entire life. And sports teams
rioting when they win something. Hey, what a great day
for our city! Let's go fuck it up! And another thing, what's the
deal with the wide world of sports. That's how I feel. Jeez.
More or less acting on Sunday. I can't do that. I took an acting
class in 2010 and got a C. And I've only gotten worse since then one would
imagine. That would bring me down to a D. That's no good. I
don't want to be a D on stage in front of my groupmates' friends and family.
Whose that asshole, they might say. I should have named the characters
better. More appropriate name, easier to get into character. That's
acting 101. Not really, I took acting 101, and got a C, and that wasn't
in it at all. Maybe it was. I got a C, what do I remember.
I can't even remember three days ago. I'm a writer. Leave the acting
to someone else. I can't be trusted with this crap. Anyway, what
else. Let's see. Crap and crap. I'm supposed to be talking to
a cart guy. I'll be talking to a cart girl. Whose ever heard
of a cart girl. Doesn't make sense. They only bring in a cart girl
if the cart's about to go under so they can fire the girl and instill confidence
by bringing in a cart guy. I read about it in somewhere and some such.
Do cart people pay money to the city in order to stand on the sidewalk.
Seems like they would, right?
Also, still trying to figure out what they call themselves.
Cart People is fine for a stupid play title, but now I'm emotionally
invested in these people and want to hear their side of the story. Their
side of the story in terms of what they call themselves. Also, reminds me
of the movie Smart people. Smart People. Cart People. That's
how I feel. Yeesh. Gonna write some crap next semester! I'll
be forced to! That should be great and a half. Who cares if it all
turns out to be Fresh Prince Of Bel Air fan fiction. At least it's
something! Carlton enters a dancing contest. It practically
writes itself! When's the one hour Fresh Prince reunion show coming. I
wanna see how they all look twenty years older! It would entertain me
greatly! I know Will Smith has gone on to do some other work, I believe.
Carlton, he probably dances a lot as per the orders or people coming up to him
on the street. Legally required to dance for them. Part of the
syndication contract. I like Carlton because he's short. He
gets it. Short people are the greatest. They're God's Jabronis.
I didn't know what jabroni meant until I used it in a recent entry. I just
thought The Rock made it up as an insult. Turns out it means guys who take
the fall for the hero to look good. I can get on board with that.
Gotta do something.
Anyway, great. You learn something new every day.
Mostly, the weather. Well, you can find out the weather a few days in
advance. But let's say you find out a week from the day you're ats
weather. So you're still learning the weather every day. Just future
weather. Anyway, what else 'n crap. Let's see. Today's Friday.
That's great. If I go to my Dad and say Today's Friday, right?
He'd go All Day. My Dad is a crack-up. Really on the ball.
Also, never gets old. What are we eating for dinner? Food,
he goes! Imagine! Where does he get this stuff. I never got to
know 3/4 of my grandparents. I feel let down. Probably at least two
of them woulda been worth knowing. I tell ya. Where was I. I
didn't even get to know that 1/4th, he died when I was eight and I hardly ever
saw him. Woulda been weird to have a grandparent later in life.
Teens, adulthood. Probably woulda been worthwhile to some extent. Oh
well. That's what you get when you have kids when you're 40. No
grandparents for you. #SoupNaziIsEternallyRelevant. I just imagined,
when the actor who plays the Soup Nazi dies. Obituary in the New York
Times. Soup Nazi, Dead At 76. Hahehaha.
That's a laugh and a half. I'm too close to the
material, for the play. If I didn't write it, I could really get in the
head of the character and make it my own. Instead, having written it, I
just can't see it from an appropriate distance. It's all bullshit and
crap. Also, it's mediocre! I can't commit to mediocre!
Only the finest pieces warrant me and my supreme acting chops. The
whole point of the thing is to be mediocre. Not supposed to be performed!
Just read it in your head. Anyway, what else and crap. I don't
know whether to mention the website when I'm done. Seems somewhat
appropriate. I could also mention the band. Why not. There's a
remote chance someone might care. That's how I feel. For my
Birthday, I asked my brother to listen to one of my albums and give me feedback.
I get precious little feedback. Figured it was a nice unique personalized
gift. Anyway. What else and crap. Can play some Blue Baseball.
Maybe even figure out how to pitch. So complicated, though. Ever so
Alright, odds are, last paragraph. I've crunched the
numbers and so on and whatnot. Anyway. Let's see. Wide world
of sports, wide world of sports... I got nothin'. It's dark outside.
That's happening. I wouldn't lie to you. I would have no motive.
Gonna get a haircut tomorrow. That's good news. That's how I feel.
Anyway. It's the weekend. Everybody loves the weekend. It's
the end of the week. Jeez this is crap. Gotta do
something. Man, if I can learn how to pitch, that's going right on my
resume. It shows dedication and a master of skills. That's how I
feel. Anyway, I'll see ya later.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Titles Are Too Hard
That's how I feel.
Let's get rid of titles, once and for all. Nobody needs em. The good
news is what's going on. Done with working for my class. Just need
to read the play. I'm no good at reading. Character work. I
can't do that. I have a hard enough time playing myself. I have to
play a character in my head whose good at playing characters.
Let's see, gotta get in the zone as someone who can get in the zone of being
this character. Double down on characterizing. Went to another
group's reading today. Won a 15 dollar Starbucks gift card. They had
a Q and A at the end, and the first question they picked, gets the gift card.
During the intermission, they had a curtain go up separating the 'stage' and the
audience. My question was, What's With The Curtain?
Boom, Fifteen Dollars. Don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at folding
paper strategy. You want to fold it once, but no more. Don't fold it
at all, nobody wants to pick that. Fold it too much, again, nobody wants
to pick that. You fold it right, and you're chances increase
exponentially. Well, it's good to be good at something.
That's how I feel. I learned by listening to Ben Folds Five.
I like it because it's like poker. He hates his cards so much he gets rid
of all of them. Not even allowed in the rules.
Anyway, great. What else. I can probably get
upwards of two coffees with that gift card. Alright! I took a few
days off from entrying. Gotta do something. And sometimes the
something you gotta do is nothing. I think I'm gonna double down on
medications before my reading. Take a Ritalin and a Klonopin. The
poor man's Speedball. That should get me into the zone to be into the
zone. I watched Mr. Holland's Opus last night. I went in not wanting
to like it, but by the end, they got me. Mostly because my Dad was/is a
teacher. Hit me right in the heartsack. He finally plays his Opus at
the end, though, and, gotta say, pretty crappy. You spent thirty
years on this? And it's one of those movies that shows time passing by
showing clips of news and crap. I don't like it. Hey, we know
it's going past the 60's because it showed Vietnam, it's going past the 70's
because it showed a disco ball. We know it's the 90's because they played
a rap song. Real poor storytelling, playing to our basest feelings.
Then I watched some of the Republican Debate. Real poor storytelling
playing to our basest feelings. I went there and crap! Anyway, what else
and crap. Is it bad that I know the names of two or three of the six other
people in my English group? Well, I know most of the other's names, I just
don't know which one is which. It's probably bad. That's how I feel.
What else and crap. I'm voting for Pataki. He's
America's Governor. So what if I said it before, I'll say it as
much as I like! "Hey, remember 9/11? I was there."
I don't know how you guys feel about terrorism, but I'm against it.
That's the platform of pretty much 100% of the Republicans. Good for them.
I'm on board with that. I'll tell ya one thing, I'm not voting for any
candidate who comes out in favor of terrorism. Not a chance. If
every other candidate stood on each other's shoulders, they could beat Trump.
It's worth considering. What else and crap. One of the cart guys is
being played by a girl. That's all wrong! They're cart
guys! You're changing everything! The only other guy in the
group, though, is uncomfortable saying all the curse words, though. If
it's between a cart guy with no curses, and a cart girl with curses, gotta go
with the cart girl. Art is all about sacrifices. Based on this one
thing. And when The Mets in the mid 2000's bunted a lot with people on
base. You know, that sort of thing. The Mets resigned Bartolo Colon,
who I'm pretty sure is 56. The Big Man is back! If all else fails,
he can always sit on the batter. Let's see you get to first base now.
I'm pretty sure he can make a pitch to the catcher. That's rule one of
pitching. Make sure you can throw it into the strike zone.
Otherwise, whole lotta walks. Lotta walks. Like me in my baseball
video game. But not as much blue.
Anyway, great, just great. Bartolo Colon can work
around the strike zone like a maestro. A maestro good at pitching.
You think it's gonna be on the outside part of the plate? Boom, inside.
He's got it all covered. He's a good addition to the rotation, too,
because he provides something different. The other four starters are
great. He's okay. Somethin' different. He can teach
them about pitching, though. See, the key is, throw it where the
catcher is. That's pitching for ya. Also, it's funny, because
he's overweight. Look at him go! That's how I feel.
Every seventh game, they should have to play football instead of baseball.
Let's mix things up. I had to wake up at Noon today like a chump.
It's always High Noon somewhere, am I right? Well, once an
hour, at least. I think the original title to Shanghai Knights
was Chink In The Armor. #Relevant. Did Jackie Chan just hang
it up after The Karate Kid? What's he been up to. If the opening
scene of the new Star Wars movie isn't Luke Skywalker waking up in a bed, then I
don't know what's what what what'll happen what and what huh. I was tellin'
my Dad about watching Mr. Holland's Opus, and apparently, when it came out, his
principal told them all to watch it and it would count as a Staff Meeting.
I guess that's a pretty big vote of confidence. Anyway, what else and
crap. Go back to Holland! William H. Macy doesn't like you.
That's gotta keep you up at night. At least, until the force awakens.
Great. What else. Too bad I didn't get a Fifteen
Dollar certificate for Starwars. I coulda seen that movie plus a medium
drink. What else. I gotta get a haircut and a shave before Play.
This could be my big break! That's how I feel. It'll be
interesting, though, how comfortable and happy I am up on the stage.
Haven't been on stage since Comedy Open Mic about two years ago. If I want
to pursue guitar/vocal teacher, seeing how I feel on stage is some important
input. It's not really a stage. It's more The Front of Some Room.
Either way, what else and crap. I've been 27 for a few days now.
Gotta tell you, a little nonplussed. It's as if an arbitrary number
doesn't mean that much. It ain't arbitrary! That's how
many revolutions the Earth has had since you left your Momma's pussy.
I was a C section, thank you very much. Which means something. Not
quite sure. I think they ripped me out of my Mom's belly button.
That's probably it. There was that time I was in my Momma's pussy when I
was 12, but that was a whole different set of circumstances. #Relevant.
What else and crap. I wonder if The Beatles wanted Revolution
to replace Happy Birthday. My guess? No, probably not. They say
it's your birthday/...Why would they lie?/They say it's your birthday/Are they
wrong or right? That's how I feel.
Anyway, great, just great. What else and crap.
That is the question. I should shave my eyebrows for Play. You know,
to add conflict. That's how I feel. I should introduce my play,
Just so you know, what you are about to see is all scripted. It's not
actually happening. That's one way to go. I'm gonna have a lot
of free time over the next five or six weeks. Pretty much 100% free time.
Whattado. I guess I can get really good at smoking cigarettes.
That's one way to go. What else and crap. Let's see. I can
watch some more Blue Movies. Nobody's stopping me. What else.
I could go the other way, and introduce my play, The following is
based on a true story. The names have been changed to protect the
innocent. Something to think about. Finishing this entry, that's
something to think about. I've been thinking about it for a solid five or
ten minutes. Can't get it out of my mind. It's gonna happen, that
much is sure. When and how, these are the lingering questions. To
introduce my play, I should just go with the generic, Ya'll Ready For Some
Bullshit?! That's a way to go and crap. Anyway. Let's see.
What else is going on and crap. What to do, what to do. Too bad Mr.
Holland is retired. Also, fictional character. He could teach me
some crap. What else. It's Wednesday. What's that all about.
See ya later.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
No Joy In Titleville
What the what. I'm
an adult now. No more bullshit! This entry is gonna be about the
real issues. I'm on Lipitor now. If that doesn't make me an adult, I
don't know what does. The age thing. Right, right.
That. Well, either way, Adult! I'm gonna replace calling myself a
Hero with calling myself an Adult. That should be fun and a half.
What's going on in the wide world of Mudville. Don't mean to be an
asshole, but Mudville is a pretty crappy name for a town. I would not want
to live in Mudville. Mudville's what I call my ass. Adult!
What else is going on and crap. Michael Cuddyer retired. What an
asshole. He thinks he's better than us? Well, now you can
afford Cespedes. Get him you morons. I'm on the Michael Conforto
bus. Or train. Some mode of Michael Conforto transportation.
He was a rookie last year, so he's due to become an all-star this year.
That's how baseball works. He could hit 20-30 homeruns. I don't see
why he wouldn't. It would be good for the team. It would be good for
him. Sounds like a win/win to me. Either way, what else and crap.
According to baseball, I am now in my prime. 27. Prime year for
baseball players. Prime year for websitepatuenours. Gotta make it
count. You're only in your prime once probably. Power prime, though,
that's when you're thirty or thirty one. I'm just in my all around prime.
Thirty or thirty one, that's when the Doubles come in.
Anyway, great, what else, and, crap. Twenty Seven.
Wow. Time to steal some bases. I'm on the D'arnoud monorail.
That's how I feel. Dontrelle Willis was the D-Train. Way before Jack
Black. Unless if you count his time in Tenacious D. These are the
real issues. Adult! I don't like how they called the 2000
World Series between the Mets and Yankees The Subway Series. No
subways connect them. Shoulda gone with the more catchier, The Battle
Between The Two Teams Located In New York, Boy Is It Gonna Be a Good One.
Eventually, the Yankees are gonna have such a monetary lead over other teams
that they'll just sign everyone. Sure, they won't all fit on the 25 man
roster, but at least other teams won't have 'em. It's Moneyba...
gotta stop that Moneyball crap. That's how I feel. What
else and crap. Fuckin' Timo Perez. Relevant! Gotta
revise my crap tomorrow. That's great. Leanin' towards taking two
classes for the spring. Fiction workshop and Poetry workshop. That's
a lotta workshop. By the time the Spring is over I will be the best at
workshopping. I remember the first poem I ever wrote, for Junior or Senior
year in Stuy, was about how I don't like poets. One of the first lines was
I'm not a pretentious hippie/with a goatee/whose passionate/about a lot of
stupid shit. Then I became a song writer. See ya later,
That's how I feel. I don't know why I associate
writing songs with losing self-respect. Probably because I'm not good at
it. And thus lose respect for myself. That explains that. What
else and crap. Maybe I'll knock some fiction out of the park. I
am in my prime. Or I can combine them, and hand into both,
This is a story all about how, my life got flip turned upside down...
Nobody's written that before. Not to my knowledge. Adult!
Anyway. I'm writing an entry. Wait, what? Right, right.
I forgot for a second. Adult. Birthdays are weird when you're
an adult. Wait, so there's one day out of the year, that everyone has
to just celebrate me? Doesn't add up. Don't make no sense.
I'm still the same asshole I was every other day. Anyway. I like
that math I did a few days ago where I discovered I drink 3-4 drinks a day.
I read it's healthy for men to drink 2-3 drinks a day. Keeps
the doctor away. I'm just one off from that, can't be too bad. And
who cares if I read it at southerncomfort.com. Doesn't make it any less
relevant. Anyway, that's how that goes. Adult! Yeesh.
Winter is in a week. That's probably good for some reason. Better
than Winter not occurring. That would throw some people for a loop.
Anyway, great. Now that I'm adult, is writing
crazysheet incongruous? Probably. Age is just a number.
Yeah, so is cholesterol, but I still need to take pills for it. Numbers
are pretty important you imbecile. That's how I feel. Readin' my
play next week. Is there anyway I can arrange for my introduction to be
the Stone Cold Steve Austin music? Gotta be a way to figure that out.
The good news is Prime. I don't like the phrase for poker, all you need
is a chip and a chair. I don't need a chair. I'll be happy to
stand. Don't need no luxuries at the poker table. All I need is
sunglasses. That way people won't know where I'm looking. Moneyball.
I remember sometimes playing poker in high school, I would pretend to look at my
cards, but not really, and just play the hand blind. And then if I get
into a situation post flop, I can look at my cards. Sometimes be
pleasantly surprised. Wouldn't do it often, but it's a fun way to mix
things up. They gotta think you looked at your cards, though. That's
the whole point.
Anyway, last paragraph. Fun and a half. The day
is half over. And this is all I've accomplished. Job well done.
I guess. My phone has been charging quicker lately. Talk about
Great. What else and crap. I like finding unopened packs of
cigarettes on the floor. It's like finding a ten dollar bill. That
you can smoke. Anyway. Haven't watched a DVD since Dawn of the Dead.
I've got plenty of decent choices. Just can't commit. I guess I can
watch Jurassic Park III. I forget what happens. I remember something
with a plane. It does take place on an island, so that probably would make
sense. William H. Macy's son, it's a rescue mission for him. That
much I remember. Probably some dinosaurs. If there's no dinosaurs,
people would feel let down. I guess you can smoke a ten dollar bill if you
really wanted to. Kind of a waste of money, though. That's how I
feel. I probably shouldn't be mixing alcohol with some of my medication,
though. That's where the Negative comes into play. Also, calories.
Anyway. First entry of my Prime. Hey, even in your prime, you go
one for five sometimes. Better than none for five. Probably.
If I was on a baseball team, I'd want to hit seventh. Unless I'm the
pitcher. If I'm a hitter, put me in the seven slot, I'm good to go.
Not sure what that accomplishes. See ya later.
Friday, December 11, 2015
That Settles That
What settles what?
Open to interpretation. That's how I feel. Today is the last Friday
until next Friday. And if you don't think I would make a Next Friday: The
Movie: II Friday II Furious pun/joke/thing, you would be sorely mistaken.
That counts as the pun/joke/thing. That settles that. The good news
is let's entry it up. I don't like how they release big blockbuster movies
on Wednesday instead of Friday. So the fans can see it two days earlier.
You wait for Friday like the rest of us. Jerkbags. All I'm
asking for is a little consistency. That's how I feel. Jason Heyward
signed somewhere else. I want to say Chicago. He would have been a good
fit for The Mets. He's a baseball player, they're a baseball team... match
made in Heaven. Not like that time The Reds signed Stephon Marbury by
accident. Boy were their faces Red. I don't get why all free agents
don't just sign with The Mets. Don't they know The Mets are great?
That's how I feel. I don't even get why the set-up to the jokepunthing was
necessary. I don't get why you're necessary, you jerkfuck.
Get off my website. Anyway, great, sure. My Dad had to discipline
Stephon Marbury's brother. Wasn't going to Math class, or was cheating, or
something. My Dad set him straight. Also, he once pissed next to Ray
Allen when they were shooting the movie. The point is great.
Ray Allen looked over and was like Damn Michael's
Dad has got a big penis! It does raise the question, though,
how big is my father's penis. Let's take some calls. Jeez.
What else and crap. Maybe do some Cat Food for my birthday. I earned
it. Gotta do my revisions for short story and play by Monday night.
That could take a combined half hour! That's a lot of time to dedicate to
work. Oh well. Everyone's got problems. Even Jay-Z has
problems. Roughly 99 if I remember correctly. That's a lot of
problems, now that I think about it. Let's figure out Jay-Z's problems,
one by one, and see how we can help him fix them. We know not one of them
is a bitch. But it would be much more helpful to figure out what they
are rather than eliminating things that they aren't. Make the
whole process a lot quicker and easier. That's how I feel and crap.
I feel like Jay-Z and Beyonce are Great, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are Good,
and there's a wide open field for the bronze. Not sure what that means.
Or accomplishes. Or means. Or accomplishes. Moving
forward, what else and crap. I don't get Home Alone. Why can't Kevin
McCalaster answer for the pizza himself. It's not like the pizza guy is
gonna go, WHAATTTT? A CHILD ANSWERING THE DOOR? WHAT THE ...
WHATTTT? I think he just wanted to go out of his way to be an asshole
to that guy through Black And White Movie. And, obviously, to deal with
those two stooges... go to the police. They're not gonna punish you.
The moral of the story is that kids are stupid.
They'll know I got a whole cheese pizza just for myself!
I can't go back to jail! Kevin McCalister probably already has two
strikes, that's my bet. Ordering more Cheese Pizza than you need.
That's twenty five to life. Jeez. He did threaten to kill the
pizza delivery guy through T.V. That is a serious crime,
isn't it? It's not all fun and goofs. The guy thought his life was
in danger, and you made him feel that way on purpose. What an asshole.
You, controlling the audio of the T.V., purposely threatened someone.
Crime. Crime! What did that guy ever do to you. Anyway,
what else and crap. This is only the third paragraph, isn't it.
Crap. Or, it's already the third paragraph! Great. Home
Alone is a slant rhyme. Don't like it. For a title? No thanks.
Either go full rhyme or no rhyme. That's how I feel. What else and
crap. I've noticed my birthday usually coincides with my birthday.
#Why. #GiveMeOneGoodReason. That's how that goes. Doing the
math, I've deduced that I am my twin. Only logical explanation.
Anyway. Got a four piece McNuggets when I went to Liquor Store.
That's my birthday present, I guess. McNuggets. I already dedicated
all my birthday money towards paying for that one month in the dorm. Worth
it, sure. But now what? Oh well, onward and upward.
That's how that goes. What else is going how it goes.
I might be going on a Potential Poker Excursion with my uncle within the next
few months. Not definite, but that's something to look forward to.
Even though I was pretty crap the last time. Table was too green!
Threw me off my game. Genuises choose green. Genuises choose my
fist in your ass. Get off my website! Alright, I've had enough.
Time to learn how to spell genuis. Nope, that's not it. geneuis.
Nope. Genus. Well, that's another word. Genuis. Already
tried that. Geneis? Genuis. Genis. Gensueis. Jesus
this is hard. Genius. There. Fuckin' did it. Alright!
And I'll never forget because of this bit. I before u. That's the
key. I know my predisposition is to say Genuis. Now I know, flip
around those vowels. Got it down pat. Genius. Anyway, what
else and crap. I can't wait till December 26th. You know, the
biggest holiday of the year? MMy phone wouldn't lie to me. Not
after all we've been through. What else and crap. That is the
question. What else and crap. 20% of this website is plot holes in
movies. The other 80% is hashtags. What world, what a world.
Anyway, what else is going on. Four McNuggets. Is
that all a man is worth anymore? Something off the dollar menu?
Let's talk about it! The good news is who cares. Ten entries in
the first 11 days of December, though. That's pretty good. That's
almost 32 Doubles In One Season good. Whose the guy with 32
doubles? Was it Walker? Probably walker. I'm surprised
Billy Beane didn't trade for him. It's Moneyball, you wouldn't
understand. Anyway. Anyway. There we go. What
else and crap. Jeez. This is crap. Don't blame me, I'm 26!
That's how I feel. I guess you can start blaming me tomorrow. Dangit.
I guess I can eat dinner when this is over. That's good. I need food
to survive. It's Moneyball, you wouldn't understand. I gotta
stop saying that. It's Moneyball, You Wouldn't Understand is
15% of this website. And it rarely gets old. That's how I
feel. I'm getting older tomorrow. I guess I am every day.
That's Moneyba... eh, fuck it. Jeez. I can't wait to
see what books are required for Spring Classes. I check multiple times a
day. And when it's finally available? You bet I'll be nonplussed!
That's how that goes. Gotta decide in the next few days whether to stick
with two classes or only go with one. I don't know. Time will tell.
Anyway, great. This sure was not worth it. Oh
well, live and learn. What else is going on. Half an hour of work.
And all I get out of it is making my writings better. What crap.
Anyway. I can't wait to write me some villanelles. I'm gonna knock
some villanelles out of the park. That's how I feel. What else is
going on. I've done the math and I drink exactly 3-4 drinks per day.
That's not so bad. Could be worse. Seems like more, though.
The point is Hero. Yep. All I have to do is avoid getting
hooked on cat food. It's a killer. Don't even get started, that's
how I feel. Yep. I like that app where you put something around your
pet and it tracks them if they get lost. That's pretty cool. Once my
cat got lost, but she came cryin' back. Which is pretty impressive for a
cat, when it comes down to it. That's how I feel. Now she's dead.
Too bad all dogs go to Heaven. She wouldn't fit in. That's a shame.
Anyway, what else and crap.
Last paragraph. It's about time! The point is I
don't know why Opticians and Dentists and Doctors send you birthday cards.
They're not gonna make me do any more business with them. I'm already pot
committed to seeing them. It's not making me feel any better knowing a
computer sent me a card based on an algorithm. Just pretty much pointless.
I haven't had any Chanukah Gelt this year. I demand Gelt! Where's my
gelt. Jeez. This entry is almost over. That's good news.
Real good news. I gotta stop only flat calling pre-flop to raises with QQ
and KK. Probably my biggest weakness in life. Then I potentially
gotta fold even with an overpair on the flop. Not half right. I
don't wanna lose all my chips, that's all it comes down to. Oh well.
Live and learn. What else and crap. See ya later.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Here We Go Again
Yo peeps. What's chillin'. Ya heard. These are
slangs I picked up somewhere. I blame you. Had my first meeting with
my new Doctor. Had to wait thirty minutes because her computer was broken
and getting your computer fixed takes precedence over set appointments.
Not impressed. Not impressed! I oughta start asking her
questions. Do a real role reversal on her, let's see how she likes it.
The good news is she could give a fig about my weight, she's enormous. Oh,
also, I got some blood results back, Cholesterol is still high, and I'm starting
the generic for Lipitor. Because I'm a sixty year old man. Oh well,
gotta do something. I had to update my iTunes like a chump. Where do
they get off making updates and such. I can tell you one thing, if when I
reinstall it, I have the entire U2 discography, you're gonna have one unhappy
customer on your hands. And if I have The Best of U2, well, then...
I'll take it. Give us something we don't have. I want The
Best of Drums-- Only Drums!! I'm no good at telling the difference
between mediocre drums and good drums. All sounds like drums to me.
I can tell the difference between mediocre and good guitar. Mediocre is
me. Good is everything else. Ya'll Want Some Power Chords??
Don't mean to brag, but I can almost pull off some basic power chords.
That's how I feel.
Anyway, great, just great. Birthday's comin' up.
You know what that means. Not much. 27 revolutions of the
Earth around the sun ago... Hey, that actually sounds pretty
important. If astrology is a thing, birthday's have got to be a thing,
right? Also, every birthday is a victory. Still alive! Suck
it. I'm now solidly in my upper twenties, ain't no two ways about it.
Suck it, mid twenties, I hate them so much. I'm more or less an
adult now, for better or worse. I'm gonna lean towards worse. That's
crap. What else. The Mets made some deals and crap. Did anyone
tell Wilmer Flores? He just lost his starting job. That doesn't seem
right. He's pretty good. Even if he has a stupid name like,
"Wilmer." I guess I can just go to "manage" mode every time I have to
pitch. The computer'll do all the work for me. Then when it's time
to hit, my time to shine. The hitting computertronics seem to have
regressed. Back on Super Nintendo, just aim the directional panel one way and
press a button. X-Box, you have to pick the exact part of the plate you
think the ball is going to be. This game? Back to the Super Nintendo
model! I guess people were so bad at guessing the location of the pitch
that they had to go back to basics. Doesn't seem right. Not one bit.
Yet they made pitching harder. These game designers are a bunch of dumbos.
That's how I feel. I'll stand by that. At
least it's blue. That's one of the Mets colors! I'm on board!
I've now gotten multiple comments about my orange shirt purportedly showing my
Met fanness. It's orange. C'mon. Don't read so much into it.
When it was during the playoffs, fine, that's an okay comment to make.
Today? What am I celebrating, the moves they made yesterday? I know
I'm supposed to be crazy, but I'm not that crazy. Well, in some senses,
I'm crazier than that. Actually, in a lot of senses, now that I think
about it. The point is what else and crap. That's a lot of
revolutions around the sun. Gotta do something. Jeez. Since my
last birthday, the Earth has gone a complete 360°!
That's how I feel. What else is going on. I've noticed this year it
gets darker earlier since after daylight savings time. I've run through
the calculations and that's my conclusion. Hopefully science will accept
my important contribution. That's a thing, I guess. The important
thing is what else. I'm gonna be drinking an orange soda and someone'll
go, Mets, right? And I'll be like, No, genuises choose orange.
Consult a Robert De Niro much? That's how that might go if a person
was stupid enough to say that and I was stupid enough to respond with that.
What else and crap. There's no green soda. That
seems like a major oversight. Ginger Ale comes close. But not
close enough. That's how I feel. What else and crap. The
slogan for The Green Mile should have been Genuises Choose Green.
Either the movie slogan or the slogan in the movie in which the Death Row
advertises itself. I'd be happy with either. That's how that goes.
Are there any jokes in this entry? I don't remember one. The
daylight calculation thing, I think that's the closest I've come to a joke.
And that's pretty far off. Oh well, live and learn. I saw a cat
crossing the street exactly perpendicularly. Never ceases to amaze me.
These animals know what's up. They're jay-walking, sure. Maybe in
half a century they'll learn how to cross at the end of the street, I don't
know. For now, though, not bad. Not bad at all. What else and
crap. This sure was some crap. Best of U2. Classic.
It's not even a joke! There's no jokes in this entry. I've let
everyone who reads this down. You know, like, me, and probably some
decimal of other people. That's how I feel.
Alright, last paragraph. What else and crap.
Gotta read my play on the 20th. I have to decide whether I want to be the
90% asshole or the 95% asshole. I'm leanin' towards the 90% asshole.
He's more two dimensional. Like a stickman. Other guy, just a line.
That's how I feel. What else and crap. Jeez. I can't even
finish this paragraph. Crap. It's all crap. See ya later.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
All Titles Taste Like Chicken
You shouldn't be eating
titles. That's how I feel. What's going on and crap. Today is
Wednesday. I wouldn't lie to you. The only Holiday my phone is
pre-programmed to notify me of over the next year is the day after Christmas.
December 26th. Let's talk about it. It's funny because it doesn't
make sense. Jeez, do I have to explain everything to you? Get
your mind on straight. I can't wait to watch Meet The Parents.
There's that scene where he meets the parents. Hilarious. The only
scene I remember is when he meets the parents and has a green rental car and
Robert De Niro is like, genuises choose green, and Ben Stiller is
like, the car agency picked it out for me, and Robert De Niro is like,
well, I guess you're no genuis then! Get off my front lawn! Only
when I watch it, it'll be blue. And them calling it green won't make them
seem like genuises, I can tell you that. Can't you tell a blue car from
a green car? C'mon! Also, I didn't spell genuis right for
comedic purposes. That must be it. I guess I have to renew my
Columbia House Subscription to get that movie Red so I can watch more color
themed movies. It's the only logical thing to do. I think I might be
the only person in history who was happy with how their Columbia Record House
subscription paid off. I got plenty of DVDs I don't mind having for five
or six dollars. I beat the system! Good for me.
Anyway, what else and crap. I don't get Jaws.
We're gonna need a bigger boat. Or, you could just get off the boat,
and stay on land. How about that. Shark can't get you there.
The Birds. Ahh! Too many birds! Run away! Stupid.
Let's move on with the entry and crap. Mets didn't get Zobrist. I'm
okay with that. When we clone Curtis Granderson, we can raise him to
become a second baseman. That settles that. I finally got a good
flavor of Vitamin Water Zer. It's been months. For months, the only
flavor available to me was XXX. That doesn't sound appropriate. I'm
pretty sure the tagline for that was, cause each flavor has a nifty little
tagline, was, The Darker The Berry, The Sweeter The Juice.
Don't blame me, I didn't name it. It's actually, X marks the spot.
Three X's have got to be a good thing. No it doesn't. That's
bullshit gibberish. They can't call Killer Whales 'Killer Whales,'
anymore. Just because they do no killing. How do you know we didn't
mean it as a slang for awesome. Killer Whale, man! What a
world we live in. Where crap like that passes for a joke. It's a
real shame. Free Willy! Not With My Tax Dollars. Let's
talk about it. What else and crap. How could the Mets not have a
Plan B for if Zobrist signs elsewhere. Well, there's a greater than 50%
chance we won't get him, but... My 600 Pound Life is on. We'll figure it
out later. Sandy Alderson has to be in a stress free environment.
This bullshit is no good for him. His life is in your hands.
Anyway, great. This entry is the pits. That's how
I feel. I think Abbott and Costello were the original baseball
statisticians. Who's on first, that's the most basic stat you can get.
And if he's on second, well, we'll figure it all out eventually. I
don't know how that bullshit goes. Anyway. I was in a bowling
league as a child. Looking back on it, it's kind of weird that they did
absolutely zero training of how we can become better bowlers. They just
divided us into teams and we played a season that way. You'd think they'd
teach us a little bit, right? How are we ever going to get better?
Just go on, do what you do. I'll be counting the money from you suckers...
I mean, bowlers! Oh, how we would love when the game is over so we can
go play NFL BLITZ or Cruisin' USA. I'm starting to rethink getting a
guitar/vocal teacher as I'm wont to do every month or so. Birthday's comin'
up, that's a nice excuse. It's a present to myself. With money from
other people. What's the problem. I'd no longer be able to tell
people I taught myself, though. And they'd no longer be able to say,
sure sounds like it. Gotta do something, am I right. This
website isn't paying the bills. And neither will music. What's the
problem. In the meantime, let's continue with this The Lazy Man's Comedy
It's an easy job, and nobody's got to do it. That's how
I feel. What else and crap. My T.V., reguiar T.V., is better now.
For months or years it's been dim. Now, all better. My guess?
Feelin' the heat from the X-Box 360. T.V. knows it has to step up it's
game if it wants to compete with DVDs. Jeez. What else. What
to watch next. The odds are, everything else being equal, I'd be watching
Requiem For a Dream. On account of having it twice. Let's not let it
come to that, though. What else is going on and crap. If I were a
betting man, I'd put all my money on Requiem For a Dream. Well, maybe not
all. Let's say ten dollars. That's doable. Maybe the Blue is
because a setting on the X-Box I accidentally messed with. Not sure why
that would be a setting, though. Don't make much sense when it come down
to it. I think I've gotten worse at guitar. Just my luck. What
else and crap. Eight entries in nine days of the month. I must be
some kind of Hero or something. I saw ten seconds of a Donald Trump
speech. It reminded me of crap Hitler would say in the 1930's. And
I'm not speaking hyperbolically. Straight up. Especially with the
crowd roaring. Read his shit in the news, he just sounds like an asshole
and a moron. You hear the crowd? You get legitimately scared about
And that's why I'm throwing my hat in the ri... oh wait,
not 35 yet. Oh well, now we play the waiting game. What else and
crap. Don't know what to do. All this free time. Get a
haircut. That's a plan worth enacting. Also, don't have to bother
shaving myself. I can get them to do it! Sounds like a win/win.
LeLet's get some more wins in there. Make it a
win/win/win/win/win/win. What can I do to achieve that. I dunno,
but I sure don't like that crap joke-thing-whatever-it-is. What else and
crap. Learning guitar and singing would go well with the poetry class I'm
probably taking next semester. I could get started on a whole new round of
music. That sounds like work. I don't like work. Gotta do
something. Also, teacher wouldn't like it if I insist every poem go ABAB
or AABB. They'd probably want me to write some villanelles and shit.
Where do they get off. I almost just pulled a Something About Mary and
zipped up my test-sack. Before that happened, I was about to say,
I'm also taking a fiction class. Maybe I can write a fictionalized
version of my time with guitar teacher. Not sure what was so important
about that that I had to share it with you. Gettin' my peen caught was my
body's way of saying, don't bother with that bullshit. That's how I
What else and bullshit. Am I legally required to watch
There's Something About Mary next? Seems like I would be. What else
and crap. I found a weed bag of what looks like pebbles on my walk today.
After consulting the internet, there's a 30% chance I just found five thousand
dollars worth of heroin. Don't tell anybody. They'd ransack my
house. Well, heroin addicts, at least. I don't really think it's
that, though. The pebble-things are too uniform in size and shape.
Gotta be something, though. My first thought was maybe they're weed seeds.
Gotta be something, I guess. The important thing is I took them and now
they're mine. Can't get rid of them at this point. I'm
pot-committed. Which was the rejected title of Super High Me.
Anyway. What else and crap. I gotta get rid of this crap.
Whatever it is. Someone lost their pebbles, and you know where they're
gonna start looking? With me. They know I like to pick up things and
am the most likely guy on the block to have their pebbles. I can't be
having that. What else and crap. I never thought I'd say this, but,
I Got a Lot of Heroin. Possibly. Unconfirmed! And I'm
throwing it out right now. There, done. ...Are the heroin addicts
gone? Cause I still have it. Shhhhh. Yeesh. This is
not heroin. Most likely cat food.
Alright, alright. I'll throw it out. Now we
can put all this unpleasantness behind us. And move on to the
unpleasantness ahead of us. What if that's lesson one of guitar learning.
First off, you're gonna want to get yourself some heroin. Oh well, too
late now. What else and crap. This is around the seventh paragraph.
I did the math. What else and crap. The main reason I haven't
pursued the guitar teacher is because a year or so ago I found him and called
him, and by the time he returned my call I was on the fence about doing it.
So I told him I'd call him back. And I never did. So if I contact
him again, he'd be like, What The Fuck Man. Or, he wouldn't
remember. I'm betting on not remember, sure. But there's the chance
he'll be like, what the fuck man. I can't be having that.
Because I'm stupid. That explains that. Also, in the online form
to get in touch with him, you have to specify your current skill set.
Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced. There's gotta be a category between
beginner and intermediate, right? I'm not a beginner cause I've been
doing this for a decade. I'm not an intermediate because I'm terrible.
I guess intermediate would cover it. I don't know. I just don't
The good news is eighth paragraph. Hey, the Mets
traded for Neil Walker! Who is a guy I've known of since six hours ago.
Lookin' at his stats and stuff, he seems legit. Traded Jon Niese for him,
but we didn't really need him. This guy hit 32 doubles last year. I
couldn't hit 32 doubles. That's a lot of doubles. And now that he's
on second, we can divert the rest of the off season to figuring out who the Hell
is on first. That's how I feel. What else and crap. Thirty Two
Doubles. That's a lot of doubles. Jeez. Tagline for lemonade
Vitamin Water? Well, it's called, "Squeezed." Tagline is, "we've
squeezed out the calories. you're welcome." I don't like it. Too
smug. Someone's gotta take Vitamin Water down a peg or two.
Gotta do something. What else and crap. I can't wait for my
potential guitar lessons to be over so I can go play NFL BLITZ and Cruisin' USA.
That's the life. Maybe I should just take NFL BLITZ lessons. That's
right up my alley. See ya later.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Blue of The Living Dead
I get it. Cause it's
blue. That explains that. What's going on in the wide world of
bullshit. I just watched Dawn of the Dead. I used to consider it one
of my favorite movies. I don't know why in retrospect. It's pretty
okay and that's about it. Return of the Living Dead, though, I'll stand by
that as one of my favorite movies. The Zombies keep saying "Brains."
Cause they like to eat brains. I get it. I watched Jurassic Park
II: The Lost World, too. I wouldn't say it was ever one of my favorite
movies, but it was in heavy VCR rotation in the late 90's. I like the
part where the dinosaurs eat brains. Because they like to eat things.
I get it. Yeesh. I like the part where Jeff Goldblum is
sarcastic. What else and crap. I like the quick scene in the
beginning where we see the kids from the original Jurassic Park. Hey,
these guys got older by three or four years. Good for them. It's
also impressive the way they tamed those dinosaurs to behave they way they
wanted in the movie. Anyway. There's gonna be jokes in this,
right? Let's hope so. I don't like the scene where the guy goes
off to use the bathroom where there is no bathroom in the jungle and he tells
his friend where he's going but his friend doesn't hear him because he's
listening to Spanish music so the guy gets lost and ultimately eaten. I
don't buy it. You're on an island with dinosaurs, there's no excuse to put
on some headphones and zone out. You gotta be aware of everything you
moron. This isn't a bus ride where you can let go of your surroundings a
little bit. You're on a Dinosaur Island. Get it together.
Spoiler Alert. Oh well, just another installment in the
age old drama of Man Vs. Dinosaur. Also, you should be scared of the
Herbivores just as much. Some of those things are huge. They're not
gonna eat you, but I guarantee you, they have no qualms about stepping on you.
They could care less. People think Oh, Herbivore. It likes
other animals. It couldn't give a rat's ass about you. It'll
step on you without thinking twice. That's how I feel about things.
Just another installment of the age old drama of Man Vs. Rat's asses.
Yeesh. People keep getting sick from Chipotle. I'm being forced to
start reconsidering my position on Chipotle. Maybe from a Defcon One of
This is the best thing ever! to a Defcon Three or Four of Let's
put Chipotle cravings on the backburner for a while. Is it worth the
risk of E. Coli? Yeah, probably. But it still knocks it down a few
notches. That's how I crap and feel. What else is going on. I
found a 2012 baseball game that my court liaison, who made sure I was doing
everything the doctor ordered for a year after my last hospitalization, got for
me. Hitting is easy enough. Drafting is easy enough. Pitching?
Hard. Couldn't get it working. Kept throwing wild pitches.
Well, there goes that. I don't have the patience. Just don't have
the patience. At least I was throwing in the right direction. Wasn't
pitching balls into center field. Right direction, that's step one of
pitching, any coach or scout'll tell you that. It would be funny if
there's a new umpire, and a guy on first, and the pitcher throws to first, and
the umpire is like Ball! It's funny because he's stupid. Get
Right, right. That was WAY outside. What
if the pitcher trades off to the short stop without the batter realizing and the
short stop throws the pitch. No one would ever see it coming. What
if the defense does a QB sack on the batter. There's no rule saying they
can't. As soon as the pitch is about to leave the pitcher's hand, everyone
starts rushing in. They don't even need to actually touch him, just start
rushing towards the plate. He'd be confused as shit. Hold that for
the ninth inning of a world series game. It may only work once, so you
gotta make it count. I've got lots of good ideas about things.
What's next on DVD. And why can't I play as the Jacksonville Jaguars in my
MLB game. Seems like a major oversight. They must record a lot of
bullshit for the in-game commentary of the MLB. I don't like it.
Just give me a robot who keeps repeating, That-Was-A-Ball-Or-A-Strike.
I-Can-Not-Compute. Maybe get one of those robots who plays football on
FOX. He knows sports. Anyway. I like how Michael Jordan tried
becoming a baseball player. That would be like if I was like I'm pretty
good at writing a website. Maybe I should be a NASCAR driver.
Should I have completed that joke by saying Maybe I should be a baseball
player? I report, you decide.
Anyway, what else. I don't like how they dropped the,
"Living," from the series. Goes from Night of the Living Dead,
to Dawn of the Dead, to Day of the Dead. All I'm asking for is a little
consistency. How do I know the dead are still living? This could
just be two hours of found footage of a cemetery. Also, there's a lot
of plot holes in zombie movies. Mainly, the purported extreme, severe
threat. It's not that hard to contain a zombie invasion. I guess,
depending on your type of zombie. But I've gone down that road in the past
on crazysheet. We need some fresh brains to read. What else.
Zombieism is the epitome of a if you can't beat 'em, join 'em mentality.
That's how I feel. Also, the blood in Dawn of the Dead is too orange.
Maybe blue red is orange. I don't have all the details. Anyway.
I feel bad for people who are color blind. They will never know the true
joy of colors. Where would we be as a people without magenta. I
posit that question to you. Which I think is a phrase for some reason.
Facebook Event was created for my reading series on December 20th. I don't
want to invite people to this crap. Which, let's face it, is
inconsequential, I would be able to get no one to come. But still. I
don't want worlds to collide. I saw about it in a Seinfeld and it didn't
work out that well if I remember correctly. I wanna say one of the
character's name was... George? I don't have all the details.
Anyway, great, just great. I get to read my play and
see even more people who don't like it as much as me. I've had to describe
my play to a few people, and the setup itself is hilarious to me. Two
carts next to each other. What more do you want. Need a little bit
more? They hate each other. There. That's funny. People
don't care. Back to my regular ashtray. Finally some order is being
restored in my life. I want to read my short story, too! It's great!
There's homeless people in it. That's funny. They don't have homes.
But they're pretty happy anyway. It's great. Anyway. I'm
writing the shit out of this month. No one can stop me. It's great.
What else and crap. Got Christmas coming up in a few weeks. Family
Christmas. It's great. I've made it clear here that since I have no
friends, family has been deputized to be my friend. It's great.
Why do I keep saying It's Great? Once I get started, there's no
slowing me down! Anyway. Birthday coming up on Saturday. I
will celebrate by reading the two Happy Birthdays I get on Facebook from people
I don't talk to at all. Pity Happy Birthdays. II don't
need your pity. I sure do want it, though.
Pity is the best. It evens the playing field between
regulars and people who need to be pitied. I'm a big fan.
What else. They had video games in Dawn of the Dead.
I didn't know they had video games in 1976. I always thought they came
around in 1977 or 1978. I was way off. Dawn of the Dead was made
in 1978. I always thought Dawn of the Dead was made in 1976 or 1977.
I was way off. Yeesh. What else and crap. I don't think
I have any more color themed movies. What else to do. I think the
first DVDs I got were Meet The Parents and Me, Myself, and Irene. So, if I
want to watch the DVDs in chronological order of when I got them, I'd start with
those two. And then not know what to do because after that I forget.
I guess after that fall back on alphabetical order. But have the
chronological order be the main order. Except it's essentially
alphabetical order after the first two movies. That's a plan I can get
behind. Except I don't really want to watch those movies. Now that I
think about it, I could handle watching either of those movies. I just
talked myself into some DVD watchin'. Good for me. Anyway. I
remember my last entry on Xanga, which is a social blogging site, before I
started crazysheet.com, I just put up a photo of my DVD collection.
Basically saying, This is Me. Goodbye. Except for those rogue
few of you who follow me over. If that's you, you're in for eleven years
of treats. Minus a few years between .com and .net. And a few years
which were crap. The point is, if you stuck with me through eleven years,
you probably laughed at least once or twice, I'd wager. Except I can't.
Would be disqualified for Crazysheet Hall of Fame.
DVD collection, this is me. Cause that's
the kind of guy I was when I was fifteen. Now Crazysheet itself is me.
Funny how things turn out. Except who cares and what else and crap.
Jeez. This hasn't been funny in minutes. Minutes! In the last
entry on Xanga, I also made some pun about Herpes, connecting it to a long
winded story about someone's peas. That's something people'll remember me
by. Anyway, entry winding down. This was fun and crap. Much
more fun than that Dawn of the Dead bullshit. I don't care what any movie
says, blood is not orange. I'll stand by that forever if I have to.
That's another color themed movie I have. Clockwork Orange. Am I
gonna watch it? You bet your ass I'm not! I don't wanna see that
depressing nonsense. Gotta finish this paragraph somehow. I'm pot
committed to this nonsense. Picture of my DVD collection. What a
wayward youth I was. Those were the days. What did I expect people
to think. I don't know this guy, seems really awkward in person. Look
At That DVD Collection, though! This is a guy I want to be friends or more
with. That's how that goes.
Okay, one more paragraph. For fun. If you ain't
havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right. I can't get a song out of the Return
of the Living Dead soundtrack out of my head. I blame movies.
Particularly that one. What is this, the eigth paragraph? Nice even
number. Even actually even this time. Not like the last time I said
it a couple of days ago. Who could forget that gem. Also, G Em is a
common chord progression. Let's talk about it. No more school.
What am I supposed to do, watch one and a half more movies per week?
Another past Gem. Had to include it here, in case you missed that entry.
It's a Classic, that's for sure. Does Coca-Cola Classic include Coca?
And if not, who wants it? I like the term, "Classic," in a carbonated
beverage. It implies a level of sophistication rarely associated with soft
drinks. Anyway. What else. Well into the evening now.
That's how that goes. Time passes. I don't think I'm saying anything
nobody already knows. I like the part in Return of the Living Dead when
the Living Dead Return. It's really the crux of the movie when it comes
down to it. That's a thing that nobody needed to read. The good news
is it's almost over. Not life. This entry. Except I have this
urge to start a new paragraph. But I won't. See ya later.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Let's See, Title, Title...
I got nothin'.
What's going in on the wide world of sports. I like watching movies in
Blue. I've done a complete 1080°.
Took me a while to get there, but boy, was it worth it. The tagline of The
Exorcist, the poster should have been her head turned around in that one scene,
and the tagline is She Used To Be a Good Girl. She's Gone a Complete 180°!
Well, what else. I got nothin'. That's how I feel. I
don't want the Mets to get Ben Zobrist. You saw what he did to them in the
World Series. He can't be trusted. Double Agent, that's my
suspicion. Maybe he'd just be an agent who hits a lot of doubles. If
that's the case, fine, I'm on board. I'd much rather them clone Curtis
Granderson. Except they'd have to wait thirty years till he's matured into
an adult. But then, 30 years from now, oh boy. As long as you're
fine with playing the waiting game, it's one avenue to explore. Also, is
the science in on Nature Vs. Nurture when it comes to Baseball Abilities?
Let's get Bill James working on that. It's a good thing our best
mathematical minds are busy working on baseball statistics. That's a sign
of a society I'm proud to be a part of. I like imagining of how baseball
got started. Hey, let's hit that ball. Where?
As far as possible! Genuis. My Mom is being a hero cleaning my
ashtray. She gave me a new one for the meantime. It's got the
freakin' Star of David on the back of it. A Jewish ashtray. I never
thought I'd see the day.
Jewish people should be nervous at anything to do with
burning things. #IWentThere. #IDon'tKnowWhyThough. What else
is going on in the wide world of ashtrays. Everything's Blue. I can
get used to that. It's better than being Orange, I hate it so much.
What else. I left my X-Box on overnight. Still on. Humming.
Watching, waiting. For the moment to entertain again. I like how
Rocky is helping Creed now. Creed's father was Rocky's X-Box. #Nope.
My birthday's on Saturday. I'll have done a complete 27. Anyway.
It's Monday. You know what that's like, right. I don't have to tell
you. You get it. Yeesh. What else is going on in the wide
world of crapdom. I can read Windows Media Files on my X-Box. Don't
mean to brag. Also, Windows Madea Files. Tyler Perry movie.
That's something, right? I demand my X-Box 360 learn how to
read old Dreamcast CDs. Demand! I demand my cable box gets on demand
channels. On Demand! I want to get TPM. Tyler Perry Movie
channel. I've never seen one. I've seen bits of shows made by him,
and my main impression was, there's gonna be jokes in this, right?
No one is safe from a KornSlam. I just remember a lot of plot exposition
in dialogue and canned laughter.
That's how I feel. What else is going on how I feel.
#Madea2016. What else is going on. I've really embraced the
illogical use of hashtags outside of Twitter. If you can't beat 'em, join
'em. Read that in a parenting book somewhere. What else. Ben
Zobrist can hit 15 homeruns a year. Let's give him 60 million dollars.
He does the little things right. Who cares about the little things.
If they were important, they'd be the big things. Although, sure, this
could be step one in replacing the Mets roster with the Royals roster. We
need to trade G.M.s too. Cancer? That's a sign of weakness. We
wish him the best of luck, but there's no reason why the team should suffer.
What else is going on that's in the realm of bullshit. I don't care how
blue the green mile is, it's still a great movie. I like the part where
the things happen. Madea Does the Green Mile.
Sentenced to death, Madea brings her signature 'tude to prison. Hijinx
ensue. Right, right... Can I delete that? Probably
not. That wouldn't be very bullshit of me. What else and crap.
This entry is leading the league in What else and craps.
I like how in America, you can only sign a player in baseball as early as
graduating high school. Foreign players? Get 'em at 16.
Because they're different from us. America' we're civilized.
Gotta get your education. Other countries? Let's sign those animals
at 16. They're no good to anyone outside of sports abilities. I
don't like it. I don't like it!
Not one bit. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Maybe other countries people graduate when they're 16. I don't know, I
never claimed to know anything. What else. Michael Clarke Duncan is
dead. Not a fan. I'm not a fan of death! I don't care who
knows it. Revisions for class due a week from today. Reading Series
we're putting on a week from next Sunday. Next class starts next year.
Great. Six entries in the first seven days of the month. Even
greater. The frequency of my entries is almost as high as the mass
shootings in this country. My take away from that? Writing too much.
That's how I feel. Can't we limit guns to only B-B guns? You can
still shoot someone's eye out. I guess they'd have to be shooting the
gun. Fine, no problem. Trick someone into shooting a B-B Gun
recklessly and you got your problem solved. Supersoakers. Yeah.
What else is going on. In my childhood, the main use of water guns were in
and around the pool. Looking back, I don't get it. Oh no, you're
getting me wet!... in a pool. Seems kinda low stakes, gettin' shot by
water in a pool. That's how I feel and crap. What else is going on
and bullshit. I can watch Requiem For a Dream twice. I have the
regular version and the extended version for some reason. I don't even
want to watch that once. Who goes, Let's have some fun,
watch some Requiem For a Dream! Psychopaths, I guess. They're
out there. And they watch movies.
Yeesh. No more class. That's roughly one
and a half movies I can watch more per week! What Dreams May Come.
Anyway. Got me some birthday money today. I'm a fan of birthday
money. Some people complain, It sucks having a birthday during the
Holidays, only one present. Not me. I get double the presents!
All at once! It's an avalanche of presents! Couldn't ask for
anything greater. What else and crap. I hope the Mets get Ben
Zobrist. That's a solid name. I could live with having a Zobrist
in the lineup every day. Also, good time for a comeback year from Captain
Wright. David Wright is The Captain? The Wright Bros. Were the
O.G. Captains! I'm a genuis. What else and crap. Lotta
team work between brothers in the early 20th century. Wright Bros, Parker
Bros. Another reference, one would imagine. Yeesh. The Mario
Bros. They didn't come along until the 80's, though. What else and
crap! Are Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong brothers? One would imagine
they are. What else and crap. How come Mario has so many enemies.
Bowzer, Koopa, Wario, Donkey Kong. I'm just sayin'... maybe it's Mario.
He could be a real asshole, is all I'm sayin'.
Alright, gettin' near the culmination of the entry.
Which is another word for conclusion if you're stupid. I remember when we
first got Nintendo 64, the first game me and my brother put on was Mario, and
the deal was, he gets to play first, and when he loses all his lives, it's my
turn. You never fuckin' lose all your lives in the game. Always got
back-up. I had to beg for a chance to play. We made a deal.
Yeah, I Know, But The Deal Wasn't Fair In Retrospect! That's how that
goes. I wonder how they decided on Mario's back story. Did they
think kids would be like, I always dreamed I was an Italian Plumber!
Now you get to live out that dream. In the form of jumping on people and
going down tunnels. That's the life... What else and crap.
I guess that's where being a plumber really comes in handy. He's a pro at
going down tunnels. Yeesh. I think we can all agree we'd rather be
Luigi than Mario, though. Luigi's got all the character. He's
probably got somethin' going on with the princess behind Mario's back.
Also, isn't it a little presumptuous that we assume Mario and the princess are
gonna end up together? She doesn't want Mario. Thanks for
saving me. Well... see ya! Let's get real.
Anyway. Good odds this'll be the last paragraph.
I would put money on it but that would ruin my chance at being in the Crazysheet
Hall of Fame. They don't approve of such things because I have all the
control. Hey, I also have all the control of The Crazysheet Hall of
Fame. Looks like the inmates are running the asylum or some crap and
what else. Also, can we all agree that I want to see the Super Mario Bros.
movie again? It's been too long. That's how I feel. Super.
Pssh. I can jump on things and go down tunnels. Just give me the
chance! Anyway, what else and bullshit. Let's see, let's see.
What else and crap. Got an appointment with my new Doctor on thursday.
Who is actually a Nurse Practioner. But she's taking the role of Doctor.
I don't know what to call her. I guess that could be my first question.
What title do I call you? Also, How Dare You. That's
how I feel. Also, Happy Holidays. But in an ominous
tone. So, you think you can get to know The Kid, Big Mak, Smallie
Biggs. That's how I roll. What else and crap. Entry
windin' down. This was almost adequate. Hero! I should make
the website blue-tinted. Really get into the spirit of things. But I
shouldn't-- that would be anesthetically pleasing. Also, what are
words? Jeez. See ya later.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Almond Cookies Don't Boss Me Around
Hey friends. It's
me, the guy who writes this crap. You know, from before? What's
going on in the wide world of sports. Apparently the Mets are at the
Winter Meetings. That's a net positive. From that we can deduce they
were invited. That's good. And that they decided to show up.
Also good. Apparently Sandy Alderson has cancer. That's not good.
It could spread to the rest of the staff and even the players. That's not
good. This entry is going terribly. That's not good. Let's get
on track and shit. I got my X-Box 260 working. The only thing is
when I play a game or watch a movie, there's this weird Blue Hue.
Everything is blue. I don't know why. And I don't like it. The
good news is I can watch all these movies, and potentially play all these
games. I don't have the patience to learn the controls for a game, though.
Nine or ten buttons? What am I, a brain surgeon? Also why is
everything Deep Blue Sea. Tried playing some Madden '06. That has
the potential to be fun. All I know is how to pass, though. And
choose random plays on defense. That's the level I was at in 2006, though.
I don't know what this crap means. 4/3 defense? 3/4 defense?
They're basically the same thing, just switched around. I don't get it.
I just choose QB sack every time. That's the most fun and interesting.
I learned it from NFL Blitz. If you're not blitzing, you're doing
something wrong. Also, Hail Mary every play. Let's get this game
rolling. Also, never punt. I can make it. Just give me a
That's Football for ya. Also, for some reason, my
favorite team is the Jacksonville Jaguars. Not 100% sure why. Make
every game -20 degrees with heavy snow. Every other play leads to an
injury. Let's have some fun with it. Tried playing Crackdown.
It's a game where you can jump really high and shoot criminals. You can
shoot civilians, too. If you kill like 50 civilians, then the cops turn on
you and try to kill you. 20 civilians? You're still okay. 20
civilians, that could be accidental, they don't know. 50? Now it's
time to take your threat on society seriously. And you can pick things up
and throw things. That's fun. And since everything's blue, it's like
you're in The Matrix. What fun. Criminals keep regenerating, though.
There's no stopping them. If only there's a button which makes you say to
your supervisor, What Do You Want Me To Do About It? Also, send
more cars that I can pick up and throw. That's how I feel.
Anyway, Sunday. Great, just great. My ashtray got unburned.
Guess it was never burned in the first place. That's a relief and shit.
Also, figured out strategy for how to throw things out without replacing the
garbage bag. Just push everything down. It's a no brainer and it
worked like a charm. My desk is covered with ash residue. Like it's
burnt, but if you wipe it off with a wetted paper towel, it goes away. I
gotta get on that. You never know when someone's gonna come to my room and
want to use a clean desk.
It'll happen from time to time. What else and crap.
It can't be -20 in Jacksonville. That hardly ever happens. It's in
Florida, right? That's what my gut says. Did I just cause Global
Warming by playing Madden '06? Crap. Sorry about that. They
should have a mode where you can view the game from the stands, ya know,
sideways. And you can put it on manager mode. That way you just get
to watch a football game. Also, I'm pretty sure quarters are longer than 5
minutes. I could be wrong. I guess every American teenager has ADHD,
so they had to reduce the length of the game. Great. I don't like
the idea of being timed while I'm choosing my plays. I can't handle that
kind of pressure. Also, on defense, before the play starts, we can control
one of the guys on defense. That's no good. You're basically asking
me to make him run around with no direction or purpose. Why give me
control if I'm supposed to just keep him in place. No baseball game that
works. I think I have one somewhere, but it's got bugs in it. I can
play the game, but the stats for everyone is fucked up, can't see the stats.
Stats are two halves of the fun. I wanna do franchise mode and bullshit.
See how they do after a year. I can't make good judgments during the
off-season if my number 3 hitter hit .x2z.
Anyway, great. Also, at some point, I stopped keeping
care of my DVD/game collection, and there's CDs all over the place, in the wrong
box, loose, all that crap. That's no way to handle a priceless collection
of bullshit. And it's always the good ones that are loose. Because
those are the ones I was using. What else and crap. The worst part
of replacing old batteries is having to get rid of the old batteries. Call
me sentimental, but I just don't have the heart to throw them out. After
all they did for me? I'm not a monster. Still, can't have batteries
all over the place. Put 'em in a drawer. That's a compromise.
I'm a little upset Madden doesn't have a button where you can attack another
player. I mean, you can tackle them, sure. But I mean like street
fight attack. I guess it just doesn't come up in Football that often.
Anyway. First Down! I'm a hero! That's how I
play video games. Stupid game tellin' me to go Special Teams on a fourth
down. They have no faith in me completing a play. Also, I should
keep restarting the game until I win a coinflip. That's just logic.
There should be an X-Box game just for coin flips. It'd be riveting.
Play Now button on the menu. It's all designed for people with no
attention spans. What? You want me to choose teams? What am
I, made out of time and energy?
Anyway. I wonder if there's a setting I could
change to get rid of this blue hue nonsense. I don't have the time and/or
energy to figure it out. What if I just didn't notice it. Then
halfway through the movie, I'd be like, this is more blue than I remember it.
I was gonna watch The Green Mile, but I don't know, now it would be ruined.
I don't want to watch The Blue Mile. Nobody wants that. Anyway, what
else and crap. I guess I can watch The Thin Blue Line. Except it
wouldn't be thin. Or a line. Also, don't have it. Anyway, this
entry just.. well, it was crap. At least it had a theme. That's
probably good for some reason. What else. I don't get counting
things in seconds. What happened to firsts? #outofshittosay. Yeesh.
The good news is I have a load of movies I like that for whatever reason aren't
in often syndication on T.V. Now I can watch them-- blue style!
What dreams may come. I don't have that movie. Never even seen it.
I know it's a punch line, though. Seems like it would be. Robin
Williams was like, after Good Will Hunting, my dramatic stock has never been
higher! Let's keep this ball rolling! Then that movie which
shall not be named. Oh, Fuck! Oh well, live and learn.
Well, learn, at least. #SorryAboutWhatISaid. Let's get that
trending, which is a word for some reason.
Alright, last paragraph. Jeez. This was a Zero.
Well, quantity over quality. That's the name of the game. I knew I
shouldn't have gotten that X-Box: Code Blue special edition. Don't even
know why they made it. What's the market for that. Movies in blue
aren't so bad. It's games, when I have to actually participate on the
overwhelming blueness, that's the real kicker. Anyway. Live and
learn. What else is going on. The day is half the month. That
hardly ever happens. Only once a month, by my projections. Well, my
projections were wrong. 11/12ths times a month. Wait, my revised
projections were wrong. 6/12ths times a month. Stupid math, making
me look stupid. I hate it so much. Anyway. What else is going
on. I can't do Franchise Mode in Football. I don't know what any of
that means. I guess I can do the crime-fighting game, throw a bunch of
shrapnel grenades. The sky's the limit when you have the ability to throw
shrapnel grenades. And it's all sky, everything's blue. That's how I
feel. See ya later.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Title? Check. Entry? Pending...
Hello jerkballs and
jerkettes. It's me. Writing an entry for some reason. Gotta do
something. I have a fortune cookie on my desk tellin' me to do stuff.
Check an item off your to-do list. Prove that you can follow through.
It's been there for two weeks. How many times do I have to follow through?
That's the thing about fortune cookies-- never satisfied. Gotta keep
reliving the fortune over and over until I throw it out. Why would I throw
it out? People in China are starving. They'd eat some paper, for
sure. I feel like there's a story from elementary or middle school where I
ate some paper to amuse my classmates. I don't remember the details.
I guess the details are unnecessary. Ate some paper to be a clown.
That sums it up pretty nicely. Not like the time I got paper stuck in my
ear. That's not funny. That's a serious medical emergency. The
point is me and paper have a long and troubled history. Until it became my
website. Now we're on the same side. Sorta like Batman and Superman
halfway through the upcoming movie. Based on the trailer. It's
called Batman v. Superman, but we already see clips of them putting their
disagreements aside to team up. That negates your whole title you idiots.
Also, what kind of moron would sign up to play Superman. Supermen always
die or have tragic accidents. You're really pushing your luck with that
I'm really writing a second paragraph with this bullshit.
Also, what kind of pervert gets his jollies taking his clothes off in a phone
booth. And we're supposed to trust this guy? I'm not on board.
Does Superman have any friends? Batman's got a bunch. Alfred, Morgan
Freeman, Commissioner Gordon. Superman has got to be mighty lonely.
Sure seems like he would be. Also, I know we've been led to believe by
joke-commentary on superheroes that Superman can do anything, can't be beat.
I don't read the comics or anything so I don't know for sure, but the only thing
I've ever seen this guy do is punch people and fly. Anyone can do that,
starting with the Wright Brothers. They figured out the flying equation.
Punching people has been in the human repertoire since time began. Also,
changing the Earth's orbit does not reverse time. Learn some physics you
dolts. Anyway, where was I. What's going on. I'd like to see a
superhero Dr. Punch, and his main superpower is punching people in
the gut. That's how I feel. And spiking the punch at school proms.
Not sure what the use of that power is. Kinda unseemly. I'm not
onboard with super heroes playing practical jokes. I guess it's a positive
thing. Teenagers want to get drunk.
If you're old enough to drive a car, you should be old
enough to drink. Just make sure you don't combine them. I've heard
bad things about drinking and driving. I don't think all the data is in
yet, though. Anyway, what else. Fortune cookies are pretty much
superheroes. Let's talk about it. Or move on and pretend that
sentence didn't exist. I vote for Option B. Which is the second one.
That's how the alphabet works. I like that story about the two hundred
people who won the lottery because they got the numbers from fortune cookie.
Stupid people'll be like, hey, maybe I should play the numbers on the cookie!
Smart people'll be like, there's no greater chance those numbers will win,
and if they do win, I'll have to split it with more people. Go out of
their way not to play the numbers. Smart people triumph yet again.
I hate them so much. Anyway. You ever notice how
smart people talk on the phone like this, and stupid people like this...
I want to see a pantomime of a stupid person on the phone. That sounds
highly entertaining based on the description alone.
Anyway, what else. The only dance I've ever been at
was the middle school mixer, the summer before middle school started. The
only thing I remember is them playing "Hi My Name Is," and being like, you
can't dance to this crap. But part of it was kind of cool, being in
school and hearin' some explicit content. So that was fun. And
that's why I never learned to dance. I guess I can take a Dance class at
QC. I'd rather take Intermediate Tumbling, though. That's when you
get to somersaults. What else is going on. Yesterday my Dad gave me
a piece of advice that might change my life forever. Why don't you ask
for the white sauce from a cart on the side? They probably have a cup they
could put it in. Then you can control how much goes on. Genius.
If I just say yes to White Sauce, they put too much on. If I say Just a
Little, they put too little on. This is great. Then I go to a cart
and they're like, we don't have any cups. And I'd be like,
Damnit, Foiled Again! I just can't catch a break.
Right, right. What else. I gotta throw out that
fortune. I've done my part. It's time to move on with my life.
If you don't eat it, it doesn't come true! It can't come true.
It's not a prophesy. It's more of an order. A piece of advice.
Not really much of a fortune at all, when it comes down to it. What if it
just said Give Money To China. I'm not on board with that.
Seems kind of schemey. I know a lot of people are upset that America is
essentially being subsidized by China, I assume, I'm not quite sure what
subsidized means. But we owe them like a trillion dollars. I'm more
concerned with them cornering the market on our fortunes. Seems like too
much power for one outside country. Anyway. This entry just flew by.
Now time for the conclusion. I hope you can digest paper. That's my
take away from this entry. See ya later.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
It Doesn't Matter What Your Title Is!
Well, The Rock, it sort of
does. Titles and names. They influence what other people call
you. Sounds pretty important in my book. Anyway, what's going on.
Went to Endocrinologist. Turns out I have Cholesterol. That's a
relief. I'm sick of having to describe Elliott Smith's music to people.
When you say you play music, people's main question is who influenced you most.
That's they're only question. They have no interest in listening to your
music themselves, they just wanna get the gist. And most of the time, I'd
say Elliott Smith. Never heard of him, what kind of music is
that. Jeez. Acoustic mostly? Some not acoustic?
Soundscapes, that's a word I heard somewhere that I'm pretty sure doesn't apply
here? It's music God Damn it, just listen to it! You guys can get me
Mike@MikeSch... anyway, what else is going on.
I don't know why I like making jokes zero people will get. Makes me feel
alive. I got a problem with Vitamin Water Zero. Okay, you're
vitamin water. There's no need to throw around insults. That's
how I feel. Anyway, turns out I have Endocrine. That's a relief.
What else in the wide world of sports. I guess they
have Winter Meetings in early December because they want to spend time with
their families during the Real Winter. What chumps. Just take off on
December 23rd and say Daddy Doesn't Love You Anymore! to your
family, come back some time around Groundhog Day, and be like, What Did I
Miss? Also, theoretically, does Bill Murray age during Groundhog Day?
I know he can't die, so logically we can assume his body starts from scratch
each day, meaning no aging. If so, good for him. Thumbs up. If
I was writing Groundhog Day, I'd keep everything, but change the title to,
Bill Murray Learns The Piano. That's how I feel. Also, it's cold
out there today. I don't care what anyone says, if it's cold, it's winter.
That's just how I feel about things. And I'll stand by that 100%.
Never to be refuted, in the future or in the past. Anyway, that's
what passes for a joke nowadays. I know, I'm as upset as you are.
Too bad Bill Murray didn't have T.V. in that Bed & Breakfast. He could
have watched all the T.V. there is to watch that one day. And if they got
cable? His luck increases exponentially. In the final day, where
he's Mr. Great and does good for everyone, there really should have been a scene
where he calls into the radio show. And they're like, do you listen
often? And there's a pause, and Bill Murray goes, ...I listen every
day! I should have written it. And then it could have been
called Bill Murray Learns How To Play The Piano and everyone would
go home happy.
That's what passes for a paragraph these days. Yes,
indeed. Got to watch me some Long Island local news. Apparently they
just play the news over and over. 8-9 A.M.? Local news. 9-10
A.M.? How about a repeat of that local news? The point is I got my
today's Long Island news down pat. They rehearsed The Wiz somewhere in
Long Island. There are new toys for Christmas. Weather exists and we
all have to act like we're interested in it. Who cares about weather when
it comes down to it. People who go outside? I can't stand
those people! Yeesh. I would say I'm pretty sure The Local News is
just one extended ad for facial make-up, except for the fact they don't make it
look good. #HDTaughtUs. Anyway, what else and crap. I'd like
to see a Local News cover Groundhog Day in 2016, and go like, Well,
the groundhog didn't see his shadow, so that means there's almost a zero percent
chance of a Bill Murray Groundhog Day Scenario happening to each of us.
That movie really raised the stakes. There's a Vitamin Water Zero
Percent Chance I'm Going Back To Diet Sodas! That's how I feel.
Anyway, great, what else. I wanna see the Long
Island Morning News again. How do I know they're still okay? I'm
scared. I think Bill Murray might have the line "I Do This..."
Every Day! He might say Practically every day. It is
ringing a bell. But maybe that bell was installed a paragraph ago when I
wrote it. No way to know for sure. I could be thinking of Back To
The Future Three Where his great grandmom goes I sure hope you be thinking
about your future Mr. Eastwood. And he definitely goes, I think
about it all the time. Pretty similar scenarios. Well, vaguely
similar. Also, a clock-tower doesn't seem like a very good investment.
Finally, all of our citizens will know what time it is! Get a watch
you lousy freeloaders. It's not up to the government to tell us what time
it is. Also, Hill Valley is a oxymoron. Let's talk about it.
What, it's a valley between some hills. How do you know it's not a
hill between some valleys? We don't know for certain. I doubt we'll
ever know at this point. It's time to move on with our lives.
Alright, great. Hopefully in The Wiz they don't send
her back to Kansas City by mistake. This Is Missouri! It's Still
Not Home! It's Even Worse Than That Other Place, I Want To Say ...."Oz?"
No, That Doesn't Sound Right. Hold On, Give Me a Minute..." and then
she melts before finishing her sentence. That's right, Dorothy melts.
No one is exempt from the risk and danger of melting. Also, have you
noticed the cast of The Wiz is a little... urban? I can't
put my finger on it. #SorryAboutWhatISaid. It's all for
humor. I never even saw the original. I'm familiar that there's a
cowardly lion, a tin man, and a third thing. I'm not sure what's wrong
with the Tinman. Hey, everybody's got problems. You can go
crying to Oz every time you have a problem. Was that the origin of the
trope of someone waking up and going, And you were there, and you were
there...? Probably. Good for them.
Okay, I have it on good authority that this will be the
last paragraph. I gave myself the authority. It was good authority,
I have no qualms with it. Also, how can you have a movie where the title
character only shows up briefly at the end. Doesn't seem right.
Should have been called, Some Weird Shit Is Happening To Dorothy! I'm
giving everything a new title this entry. It doesn't matter what your
title is... because I'm gonna come up with a better one! Mostly just a lot
of calling people Jabronis. Also, is If you smell what the Rock is
cooking a fecal joke or a crack-cocaine joke. Gotta be one or the
other. The Rock is gonna lay a Cleveland steamer on our collective chests.
That's how I feel. Maybe I won't end after this paragraph. I don't
need the lasting image of this entry to be Duane Johnson taking a shit.
Especially if I keep hittin' ya with short paragraphs.
Makes it a lot easier. What else is going on. Seven paragraphs is a
nice even number. Except not even. Pretty nice, though.
Doesn't get much better than seven. Breakin' a mirror means seven years
bad luck. Walkin' under a ladder, same thing, I think. I don't get
the superstition about walking under a ladder. Sure, breaking a mirror,
that can happen to anybody. How often are you gonna walk under a ladder.
It just doesn't come up that much in today's modern society. That's how I
feel. Also, I don't get Jack and The Beanstalk. I can steal from
people here, on Earth. Doesn't really make it any easier on him
stealing from a freakin' giant. Makes it harder. Don't get it.
Questioning fairy tales'll get you 10-12 years in Bad Luck Prison.
Crap! Also, is the Beanstalk really second fiddle to Jack in that story?
I'd say the Giant belongs in the title. Even the goose that lays golden
eggs. Anything but the Beanstalk. I guess they include that just to
be like, See, Jack was right! We should trade our farm animals for
magic beans! Aren't fairy tales supposed to teach you things?
All this teaches you is that you should buy magic beans and steal from people.
Anyway, I have it on good authority I was lying the last
paragraph. It wasn't so much a lie as it was a misguided-truth. That
turns out not to be true. That sort of thing. Anyway, what else and
crap. I don't think I've ever done a whole month of crazysheet with an
entry each day. And I will not start this month. I'm sure I've done
twenty plus days many times, dating back to the .com version. That's
pretty impressive and crap. I'm still upset about losing half of January
2005 by accidentally deleting it somehow. Still broils my pork chops.
Maybe it was 06. One thing's for sure though-- January. That's how I
feel. Old crazysheet started getting decent the last year or so, but
looking back at the fist half of it... whole lot of nothing. I thought it
was great at the time. My friends thought it was great. Their
friends thought it was great! I have it on good authority. Not like
that authority from last paragraph. More like authority from this
paragraph, the good, reliable type of shit. Where was I? Shit, I
devolved into a #WholeLottaNothingPuddle! Whattaworld, whattaworld.
Also, here's another paragraph. Because it's my life,
it's now or never. That kind of bullshit, you know. I was talking to
classmates about ukuleles, and now I'm like, I kinda want a ukulele.
If only to make me look bigger by proportion. That's a good investment.
I think my ashtray got burnt. That's not supposed to happen. I guess
I'm just not good at controlling fire. It's one of my main weaknesses I
guess. That's why I got the acid-reflux. I got a fire in me and the
only prescription is Pepcid Free! They'll sponsor me eventually.
That's how I feel. What else and crap. The good news is I have to
take a walk tomorrow. To get more alcohol. But walking, that's the
main thing. It'll burn off precious calories. Also, I stopped
gaining weight the last few months. I've plateaud!
Well, this is it. Ten paragraphs. Never woulda
believed it. Some of the paragraphs were frightfully low in sentences,
though. That's something I should get checked out. Shit, and I
was just at the Endocrinologist. It's the pituitary gland that
controls paragraph length, right? Seems like it would be. great, now
my burnt ashtray is makin' a smell. That's what you get for buying a
plastic ashtray. Worst hundred bucks I ever spent. That's how I
feel. What else was going on in Long Island News. I think I covered
the important stuff. Anyway. The important thing is we're all
Jabronis a little bit. Now is the time for healing. You know, that
sort of crap. See ya later.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
A Title Shows Us The Way
What's going on in wide world of crap. Middle of the week blues. I
don't think old bluesman would approve of that. Crap, that line of joke
was a bit on SNL last week. Oh well, live and learn. What hasn't
been on SNL recently. Have you ever imagined what it would be like to see
Larry David play Bernie Sand... wait, crap. Have you ever seen a
famous person do a monolo... Jesus this is hard. The point is SNL
are heroes. You can take that to the Ban... shit she was on a few weeks
ago. Well, I guess they just have everything covered, don't they.
Good for them. The good news is what else is going on. Thanksgiving
is over. Now we can go back to not thanking anything. Like
Americans. #LetsBeHeroes. People were talking about Hey Arnold
before class today. I was like, Have You Heard The Good News about
Doug? And they were like, no what's the news? And I was
like, no, I'm parodying a door-to-door-Mormon. Hey, Mormon sorta
bullshit-rhymes with door. I'm gonna put that on my website!
Then we all went our separate ways and never spoke of the incident again.
It was a good day. That's how I feel. Is it just me, or are
addresses rarely original. I can totally guess what the next address is
gonna be based on the one behind it. No fun at all.
That's great, just great. What else is great?
Probably the Wide World of Sports. That's a given. Hey, I found a
pack of Regular Camel. Things are looking up! Variety is the spice
of life. What else. What to do, what to do. Waste more money
paying to play for play-money online poker? I did that all this weekend!
Need something new to do. You know, for variety. Some say it's the
spice of life. Me, I said that. Just now. You must
remember. It was precious few sentences ago. I wonder what all the
kids from Billy Madison have got going on now. The third grader ones.
They're probably just about my age. I want to see a thing about it!
I wonder if anyone ever told them why "69" is funny. Someone must have by
now, right? And they're not amused by "fanny," anymore. Someone says
Fanny, they're just like, Nope, doesn't do it for me anymore.
That's growin' up for ya. Different immature things make you laugh and so
on. This is only the second paragraph. That sucks. If Doug was
Mormon, he'd probably have six or seven wives by now. He's about my age
too. Well, he can have one of them as Doug, one of them as Quayle Man... I
spelled it as in Dan Quayle. Got a problem? Because he does.
Intelligence problem. Studies have shown that he was an imbecile.
Let's get him running for 2016. His running slogan can be,
Everything Is Confusing. I'm on board with that. Everything
is confusing. Let's elect a man who would lose to a dolphin in a
battle of wits.
Anyway, great. That's how that goes. I only
have one more class in this class. And the reading we have to put on.
I consider it a victory. Three credits in the bag. And I got to
write roughly three pieces of crap. I like writing crap. It's what I
do best, when it comes down to it. I have to think about, though, now
that I've written this new piece of crap, is it now in my discography of crap?
Was it just a fleeting piece of crap, or now is it in personal private archive
of crap I've written. Something to think about for next class, and the
crap I'll have to write then. That's why I like Crazysheet. It
splits the difference. It all gets saved, but does anybody really care?
That's how I feel. It would have been funny if a week after the original
Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims rolled up to where the American Indians were living,
and were like, We want more corn. Either you give it to us, or... well,
something bad'll happen. Haven't thought it through yet. My
guess? Probably. American Indians'll be like, We call it Maize.
Pilgrims'll be like, Nah, that's stupid. We'll call it corn.
That's the kind of bullshit that gets saved, and never read again. Thank
Heavens. I find it funny that no Pilgrim was ever like, These guys are
our friends. Let's coexist. It's not a huge leap of faith when
you think about it. The point is that pioneers are assholes. That's
why their pioneers. Everyone from where they came from knew they were
assholes and full of shit. Had to go find a new place to live.
That's how I feel.
Anyway, great. These Heathens. Where do they
get off not being from India like we thought. They think they're better
than us?! You know, that sort of thing. Let's give them
smallpox on purpose. I mean, c'mon. Giving a people smallpox on
purpose. That's straight up evil. That's why I like the
African-American origin story for America's people better. We didn't have a
choice in the matter. That's something I can relate to. Also,
forty acres and a mule? I want 40 acres and a mule. Where's my 40
acres and a mule. How about twenty acres and two mules.
Settle! I accept! Twenty acres and two mules. I'm on board!
The Mules would need someone to be friends with anyway. Where was I.
Fourth paragraph, right? Right. If I remember history correctly,
America never even made good on that acres/mule promise. Seems like they
wouldn't, at least. What else is going on. Let's just say three mules,
and we'll call it even. I don't know. I just don't know.
...Can I eat the mule? You know, in a pinch? These are the real
issues. Anyway, what else. Crap and shit, probably. Let's see.
On the walk to the busride home, a guy was walking with a girl, who wanted the
umbrella to be deployed, and he didn't. He asks me, Scuse me, is
it raining? I was like, a little, yeah, it's drizzling a little
bit. And he was like, yeah, but you wouldn't use an umbrella for
this, right? And I was like, I don't get involved in other people's
business. And I resent the idea that I would. Good day, sir!
Because that's how I talk in real life.
Anyway, onward and upward, I guess. That idea of
mule-meat has got me salivating. I turn 27 in a fuckin' week and a half.
I don't want to be 27! I didn't even want to be 26! Time marches on,
I guess. Let's see, when will I be half my parents age. Forty.
When I'm forty they'll be eighty. That's something to look forward to I
guess for some reason. And when I was three I was half my brother's age.
Math is fun I guess for some reason. I heard they're getting rid of
Algebra because no one is good at it. That's a reasonable way to handle
education. We need algebra for philosophy. Now no one will be
philosophizing you jerks. Anyway. What else is going on.
December, eh? I can stand it. Not so terrible yet. Got most of
it to go, though. Who knows. All I know is, 2016 is coming up.
When writing the date in my note book, I'm bound to add a "!!!" after the 16 in
the date for a few months. It's exciting, that's all I'm saying.
What else. When I was 20, I was 1/3 my parents' age. It's important
because math is great you dolts. Man up and learn some algebra. I
think about algebra all the time. 2x-3y=? That sort of thing.
That's not good. You can't have a question mark in an equation. This
is too hard! Eh. Whatever. What else and crap.
I guess this'll be the last paragraph. It's an educated
guess. That's how I feel. A letter would have to stand in for the
question mark. And I already used two letters. How many letters do
you want, jeez. Letters? I thought this was math! So sayeth
the dolthead. I always wish I could have seen my Dad teach. Even as
a kid, when I didn't like him too much, I thought it would be cool to see him
teach a class. He still teaches, I guess. It's still in the
possibility column. If you don't learn algebra, how are you ever
going to learn how to column? That's a thing or something probably
almost. Anyway, great. I'll probably just use my birthday money to
pay for this play-money poker excursions. That settles that. Anyway,
what else. It would be weird if my parents gave me 20 Billion dollars for
my birthday. I would never see it coming. Also, can we all agree
that the Tooth Fairy is a pervert? Right, right. What else and crap.
Whattado with the rest of my day. Gotta do stuff, that's a given.
What stuff that will manifest itself as? Remains to be seen. Brifely
tried to talk my parents into getting me a gaming system. You're not 15
years old, my Mom said. Yeah, I'm 27, and I have a total of three
hours of work/school a week. Makes sense to me. Didn't really
put my heart into it, though. Don't care that much. Anyway, see ya
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Tea For The Titlerman
Hi. It's December
for some reason. I blame calendars. No more Thanksgiving Food.
I was ready for another round tonight, but my Dad threw the rest out. I
blame calendars. The good news is what else is going on. Sometimes
on Spotify I can't figure out if I mis-clicked to listen to some song or if my
brother's listening to it on his... device. Saying device there sounds
dirty. I blame calendars. In Class, we learned Repetition is key in
making a play good. So, if I keep repeating, "I blame calendars," then
this'll be one Hell of a play. Anyway. Got two weeks to decide what
I'm doing for Spring Semester. Probably something. Not sure what
yet. I don't get the origin and reasoning behind snowmen.
Hey, I took that stuff on the ground, and made it look like me!
Anyway. Thing where you build a snowman and the snowman ages but you
don't. I've never seen an elderly snowman. All snowmen look like
they're in the prime of their lives. No one builds snowchildren.
Let's get a whole family going, the snowman is lonely. Snowmen are our
friends, right? That's a given. All things considered, snowmen cause
little to no harm. There was that movie Jack Frost. How come the kid
didn't have a nervous breakdown, HE'S GOING TO DIE IN TWO MONTHS!
Not the way I would want my father to go. Melting when March comes around.
And they can't just keep him in a freezer. Then his life force would get
frozen. Wouldn't be the same. They could have made a sequel to that
movie, Jack Frost II: Summer Comes Around, and it's just 90
minutes looking at a puddle.
That's how I feel. That's how I feel! I don't
have a problem with snowmen. They're our friends. I already
established that. What else and crap. It's about time I start a new
garbage bag. Being an adult comes with responsibilities. Mainly,
taking care of garbage. When I was living in QC, some guy came to the room
to check the windows or something, he was doing every room. And I had
cigarette butts all over the place. So I was like, Can you come back in
half an hour? And I had to throw it all away. I should have
added, I swear I'm not getting rid of evidence of drug use, I'm... I'm
masturbating! That's it! Can't come in, or else I'll start
masturbating to you by accident! Nobody wants that! And then
they come in and find all the cigarette butts. And I go, Look, you're
not gonna tell anyone about this. You know how I know? Because if
you do, guess what. Start masturbating to you. Nobody wants that!
It's the perfect crime. I should have just hidden under the bed instead of
moving out. I could still be there right now if only I had thought of it.
The perfect crime. Hidin' under the bed.
Anyway, great. What else is going on. I was
building a snowman out of ash! You can't fault me for building a snowman.
Snowmen are our friends! I blame calendars. Next time someone
asks me for a cigarette, I'm gonna go, I told you for the last time, I'm out!
That'll confuse them real good. You can have a lot of fun with strangers
if only you take some time to think ahead. Can I have a
cigarette. Well, I'm sure you can. "May
you," though? You're an asshole. "May-be," I'm an
asshole? Oh, right. Yeah, I guess so. Or, take the other
route. Hand out cigarettes to people who haven't asked for them. You
know, to spread joy and cheer and heart disease. My nose hasn't bled in
over 24 hours. I consider it a pyrrhic victory. The damage has been
done. You gotta learn how to be pretty resourceful when smoking all the
time in a place with no ashtrays. Mostly a lot of putting out cigarettes
on soda bottle caps. That's what I've found. The good news is I
blame calendars. What else.
New paragraph. I got that going on. I forget what
it's like to eat non-Thanksgiving food. Oh well, what can ya do. My
Mom wants me to get rid of all my CDs. Sayin' they're out of date.
They're collectors items! People would love to have an empty case of a
System of a Down CD which I lost the CD because I don't know why, I never even
listened to it, I guess it was my brother's, okay, get off my back. People
would love to have a Roller Coaster Tycoon expansion pack which you need the
original to play. A very basic miniature information packet for Final
Draft 2000. Not the hardcore instruction manual, just the back of the CD
case graphic. There should be a disaster movie called Final
Draft. And it's about a place where there's the threat of no more
wind. Terrifying. There's that movie, Draft Day.
I don't want to draft Day! I keep hearing real good things about Night!
It would have been funny if in The Dark Knight, while Harvey Dent is in the
hospital and on his way to becoming Two Face, he just has a throwaway line,
Now I know how Jack Nicholson felt. You know, bring some light to the
whole situation. Jack Nicholson was the joker. Possibly.
You may be right. But have you thought about who the Two Face was?
Tommy Lee Jones. That might have been the worst rant-thing I've ever
gone on in the history of everything.
This might be the fifth paragraph. It's got
everything going for it, being right after the fourth paragraph. That's
how I feel. Anyway. Can I have a cigarette? Yeah,
probably... and just walk away. I started smoking cigarettes
because I was having problems with coinciding binge-eating and anorexia-ating.
Figured, this'll give me something to do to replace that crap.
Figured I'd only do it for a short time. Six years later, still going
strong. It's truly a triumph of the human experience. The good news
is, I don't have an eating disorder anymore. I still eat too much, but
that's only because I drink. Now I have a drinking disorder.
Completely different thing. That's cigarettes for ya. Can
I have a cigarette? Now I have to have your health on my conscious,
too? No way. It's not worth it. I'll give you fifty
cents. Oh, now you're talking! Anyway, what else.
I accidentally typed 'fifty cents,' as, 'fifth sense.' Oh what dreams may come!
I can't give anyone a fifth sense. Most of them already got it. And
those who don't, I'm of no service to them. Hey, I got an Amber Alert!
Finally someone's talking to me. I feel bad for Amber. She's really
got to own whatever bullshit she went through. She's the association for
Anyway, this'll probably be the last paragraph. Not
ever. Just of this entry. We've got lots more paragraphs in store in
our future. Gettin' Amber Alerts. What am I, Batman? What do
you want me to do? All I can do is pass it along. Which I just did.
#TalkAboutAHero. ...How come there's no Hero alert after I said that.
I want everyone to know there's a Hero going on right now. Anyway,
non-Thanksgiving food. The main thing I'm picturing eating is cheese.
Some pasta with cheese. That'll be good for cholesterol. Which, I
think, is the reason I'm seeing Endocrinologist. I have to see her twice a
year because I got an overactive and/or underactive Thyroid. But I'm
seeing her sooner because I might need to take some Cholesterol drug. Too
high. Cholesterol's too high! Calendars are who I blame.
Anyway. What else is going on. Almost done with this entry.
That's great news. It leaves me a bunch of leftover time to lie in bed and
think about things. What things? Only time will tell! Well,
see ya later.