July 14, 2012
Why Am I Just
Realizing Drinking Alone Is Sad, Pathetic, And Useless?
I used to drink alone a lot, especially in 2008, but also from 2009-2011.
Then I hadn't really done it this year at all until just today. I was
going to buy a bottle of Southern Comfort but it was a dollar out of my price
range, so I got this rum that tastes like shit. I had one sip from the
bottle and it didn't help at all. I know you have to drink more than one
sip for it to have an effect, but, like the title says, I'm starting to realize
it's sad, pathetic, and useless. Sad and pathetic are synonyms.
Redundant. I wouldn't have said both if I were sober! Anyway.
Hopefully it's a life lesson I take with me, or maybe I'll forget, or maybe I'll
change my mind. Who knows the future. Besides some people.
Some people know the future. Those people are really smart. By the
way, if you read this, hang out with me. I'm so bored. I do nothing
all week. I started eating these fiber bars. They're bars stacked to
the brim with fiber, so you get less hungry after eating them. That's how
lazy I am as a writer, now, I just tell you things I ate. I also had some
coffee. Like two or three cups. And I'm drinking diet Pepsi.
And smoking Camel blues. And intermittently listening to what's on Z-100
and then turning it off. Because it's always crap. Why do I listen
to Z-100? Because I don't know what good indie music stations there are,
if there are any. "But Michael, No! A Simple Internet Search Will
Answer Your Question!" Hey, shut up. This is my blog and you can't
talk in it. Keep it quiet!
Anyway. I started watching The Rules Of Attraction and
just couldn't handle it. That movie is full of crap. I watched when
I was on shrooms for the first time, and it wasn't so bad then, because then I
could handle movies full of crap, and I remember seeing hundreds of Mona Lisa's
in the wall of my room. It was weird. Mushrooms are weird. Do
them if you have a chance, but I wouldn't recommend doing them alone. I
wouldn't recommend doing anything alone. Except reading this.
Because I'm like your second person. It's like you're with someone,
almost. Me. Not really. But sort of. I played some
guitar today. That was fun. Then I realized I'm about done with the
guitar. I reached my limit and I just can't play it anymore. It was
fun and productive while it lasted, but now, I don't know. Listen to my
music in the link on the left if you want. I might never write another
song. That's a lie, I'll write an album a day until I die or my guitar
breaks. And the albums will be improvised crap about nothing.
Terrible. This is my life. Until I get that baseball video game.
Then everything's gonna turn around!
The news freaks me out. I don't want to know
about what's going on. It's usually just some awful shit that confuses me
and/or bores me and/or freaks me out. About all I can handle is watching
The Simpsons, and even that freaks me out sometimes. How are their writers
so good? It doesn't make sense. I saw Savages yesterday. That
movie was okay. Nothing really memorable about it. It had a lot to
do with marijuana, which used to be a big part of my life, but not really
anymore. I can't remember the last time I smoked. And, if I could,
it would have been just a little bit at the tip of my cigarette. I don't
know what to do anymore. Man, that rum I bought tastes like shit. I
should have remembered I don't like rum, but I'm an idiot, so I bought it
anyway. I had 10 dollars from rolled up quarters, five dollars from change
from the movie that I semi-stole from my parents, and I told my parents I was
going to buy an iced coffee for the rest, and then they found out when I walked
in the door that I went to the liquor store and got really angry at me. If
I were in their position, I would feel the same way, but I need something to
numb the pain. Too bad I don't like rum, and it just causes more pain.
I guess I could mix it with pepsi, but what am I, some sort of genius? I
can't figure that stuff out. Plus, I only had one sip, so they still might
give me my klonopin tonight, which is a drug that helps ease anxiety and helps
me sleep. But you're not supposed to drink liquor with it, so they might
not give it to me. But I told them if they don't, it's just more incentive
to drink more. So we'll see how that threat plays out.
This entry is intensely about my personal life and not funny
at all. Ha-ha. You suckers read it anyway. And now you feel a
mixture of empathy and remorse. Welcome to my life, holmes. I had my
ECT on Thursday. Afterwards, I had a headache, but I felt better than I
had in a long time. Like, not-sick better. But then the next day it
all came back, and today is even worse. All this idle time really kills
me. I should have taken a course at Queens College. I didn't,
because I didn't think I would have been able to concentrate, but i still should
have tried. I guess now I just have to wait for the fall semester.
That should be a fun month and a half. Man, my life sucks. I
remember on my old website, I would always think of it as being about "my life
sucks, so it's a fun read, because your life is better," but looking back, my
life didn't suck that much, and in the way that it did, it was mostly relatable.
Now it's just off-the-charts suckiness, with no funny in-between. Rihanna
is on Z-100 now. What's Her Name? It's Rihanna. I was
answering the song. I think she's asking her grandmother, though.
Because she goes "oh-na-na," so I'm pretty sure that's a grandmother reference.
Man, I can't wait to go to sleep. That should happen in five to seven
hours. Fuck. Last night I had a dream I was playing baseball, and I
bunted down the third baseline, and there were no fielders, and it went all the
way into the outfield, and it eventually became a homerun, because there were no
fielders, but I was still pretty proud of myself.
Anyway. For a while I was into eating crackers.
Like, a whole bagful before bed. Man, that liquor was a bad move.
Anyway. I still have the choice to not let it really effect me.
We'll see how it plays out. I just don't feel like going through anything
right about now, doing anything. Because anything I do is pretty much
having something done to me, like watching T.V., or listening to music.
And I'm sick of it. It all just hurts my brain. B.o.B. featuring
Taylor Swift playing now. I have an earphone radio I got for the hospital,
and in there it was really helpful, but now I mostly just wear them when I'm
taking baths. That's ridiculously idiotic, because I could easily
electrocute myself, but they're pretty solid earphones, so I'm not so worried,
as long as I don't trip somehow from my sitting position, I'll be fine.
But if I keep doing it, I'm just playing with fire. Not really fire, more
like water and electricity. But anyway, now I'm just listening to them
resting on the desk, so the music isn't too loud and not too in my face.
Things really suck. I turned off the Z-100 and am gonna listen to some
Elliott Smith. That could go either way, depress me more or make me happy.
Probably depress me more, because that's the mood I'm in. But I'm feeling
really low today, so we'll see. I would like to just hang out with my
parents, just to be around people, but they're angry at me because I bought the
drink. Plus they're not great hang-out-with partners. My mom's sick
all the time and my dad is pretty curt. But I guess I'm done here.
July 17, 2012
People Should Stop
Reading This Immediately
What's up. I don't know anymore. All I know is "what's up," and I
don't even know what's up. The sky, the sun, and sometimes the moon.
Usually when the sun is gone. Sometimes there's eclipses and stuff.
Rarely happens, though. Maybe like once a year or so. Don't take my
word for it, check out wikipedia. They know more than I ever will.
Unless I devote my time to reading everything on wikipedia. I could
probably fit it all into one lifetime. Wikipedia should give out diplomas
for something like that. I'd certainly know more than the average college
graduate. Cause there's a lot of crap on that website. I used to
visit wikipedia a lot to read about the drugs I was taking and philosophy and
crap. Now I don't really go there because I'm tired of it. Unless
they give diplomas. Then I'm back in a flash. Because I really need
one of those. I gotta go back to college in the fall. Mostly to
drink alcohol, but also because I need a degree. If I commute to Queens
College, I won't even be able to drink alcohol. Thanks a lot, life.
I drank a whole bottle of rum on Sunday (save for the one sip I had on
Saturday). It was fun and I enjoyed myself, but drinking alone isn't
something I aspire to do. Someone once said, "Life Is For The Living," I'm
pretty sure a lot of people have said. Don't mean to single anyone out.
I'm listening to Nirvana's "Nevermind." It's okay.
I feel as nonplussed as the title implied I would feel. I used to like
Nirvana a lot in high school, but I haven't really listened to them in a while.
I remember listening to them once in 2011 on my way to an improv show, back
before I lost my i-pod. But now I lost my i-pod and only listen to music
every now and then. And I try to listen to new music, so I'm hip to what
the kids be doing. Wow, I wrote all that in half of a cigarette.
Thumbs up to me. In the future, time we spend smoking cigarettes will be
our currency. Like that movie "In Time." Except it will be like "In
Cigarette Time." I'm an idiot. That was a weird movie. I'm
pretty sure most of it doesn't make sense, but they really try to have it make
sense at the least sensical moments, so I guess I'll get on the "it makes sense"
bandwagon. I try to be on that bandwagon at all times. Unless if
it's about my delusions. Then I try to get on the "this doesn't make
sense" bandwagon. The one my parents and doctors are on. I should
get some cronies to tell me my delusions make sense, so I'm not the only one.
What else is up. Been working on music lately, and
listening to music I made in the past. Man, I have some really decent
songs from like 2007-2010, but then when I started improvising one or two albums
every day, sometime in 2011, it just all went to shit. Now I have no more
confidence in the music, except for now, now that I've listened to old songs
which re-inspired me. But I can't play the guitar anymore. Over the
past few years I've really worn my guitar playing skills out. You'd think
I'd get better, but it's not like I'm doing mad solos over myself, I'm just
basically doing chords and stuff. And there's only so many chord
progressions a man can play. I got an iced coffee from McDonalds. It
was really hot outside. Man, Nirvana is really depressing. I still
listen to Elliott Smith all the time, but that only sometimes depresses me.
Usually it makes me happy. I don't know why Nirvana is more depressing
than Elliott Smith. Let's get into a flame war over it. I've never
been in a flame war. I've never been in any war. Which is weird,
because there's two of them going on. The Iraq war and Afghanistan war are
still going on, right? No? I forget. I know we started
bringing troops back from at least one of them, but I'm pretty sure the wars are
still going on. Thanks a lot, George Bush. Way to re-establish
America's dominance in the Middle East.
I remember in 2008 I was trying to form a band, and I had
another guitarist/singer, and a drummer, but on our first and only practice, my
guitar strings broke 5 seconds in. It's a good thing, to, because I didn't
really know the songs we were practicing that well. Plus, I almost
definitely couldn't sing them that good. One of the songs I had picked for
us to rehearse was this Nirvana song, "Territorial Pissings," and he just scream
sings to the top of his lungs, and there's no way I would have been able to do
that. It's because I was high. All the time. Not
my best year, academically speaking. I don't know if I got kicked out of
NYU or just decided on my own I couldn't handle it anymore, but yeah, I left
during the fall semester. I ended up going back the next year, only to be
forced out for similar reasons the spring semester. I wasn't drinking as
heavily or smoking as much weed, I was just going out of my mind. It's a
shame too, because I was student-teacher observing at Stuyvesant, and if I had
stayed doing that, the teacher I was observing (and would have been student
teaching with the next year) was retiring right when I would have graduated, and
he said he would try to get me to replace him. So, teaching at Stuyvesant,
which is like a dream to me now, fell out of my reach. Probably best for
the kids, though. Who wants a crazy teacher. Actually, I take it
back. Crazy teachers are probably the best. Because they're too
focused on their delusions to fail you. Because they've already failed
What I meant to say was I wish I had stayed sane and then
became a teacher at Stuyvesant. I could still get better and become a
teacher, but there's not that many teaching jobs anywhere, let alone a dream job
at Stuyvesant. When I go back to school, I might major in Education again.
Originally, I transferred to Queens College in the fall of 2010, and I changed
my major to English. So I could stick with that, but what to do with that
degree? I've thought about changing it to Philosophy, but that's equally
useless. It interests me, at least. It's hard for me to read books,
though. I get easily distracted. I think I probably have ADD or some
attention disorder. But the doctors don't recognize that I have that
illness, so it goes untreated. This was another unfunny entry. Good.
I hope it inspires you to Stay Away. That's the song that just
started playing. Yup. I was right. Right on time. In
time. In cigarette time. I had really depressing and scary dreams
last night. When I can't even enjoy my sleep, I know my life is slipping
away from me. Don't know what to do about it. Except hope I sleep
better tonight. About all I enjoy doing these days is playing guitar,
watching late night talk shows, and watching the Simpsons. The rest of it
I spend lying in bed or smoking cigarettes and listening to music. Life
Is For The Living my ass. Look at Nirvana. Kurt Cobain's dead,
and he's not living. I'm not sure that made sense. What a joke.
The girl I had a crush on in high school had a blog named "Something In The
Way." I assume that was a Nirvana reference. Or maybe she was
talking about me. Probably not, though. I have a doctor's
appointment tomorrow and an appointment with my AOT. Things are looking
up! Up to the sky, and the moon, and the sun, and also there's clouds, and
tree tops, and sky scrapers, and planes. Kurt Cobain is currently On A
Plain. Sorry. He knows it's wrong, so what should he do?
Get off the plain, I guess. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Unless if you're on the greener grass side. Then the grass is less green
on the other side.
July 20, 2012
These Good Titles Are
Really Going To My Head!
What's up. I just saw The Dark Knight Rises. It was okay.
Sorta sucked because I kept thinking about the shooting last night.
Because it's essentially a film about that sort of terrorism. Moving on,
what's the deal with kittens? Do they have to be so cute?! I wasn't
inspired to write that because of Cat Woman, who is in The Dark Knight Rises.
I was inspired to write it because I have a cat that's 16 years old and is going
to die soon. She throws up all the time, not even just when we feed her
dog food, all the time. And sixteen is old for a cat. Not old enough
to drink, but old enough to have sex in most states. Yeah. My cat's
name is Aslan. She's great. I never see her anymore, though.
We lock her up in my parent's bedroom because she throws up all the time.
Don't believe me? Come to my house, I'll show you. I don't know why
you wouldn't believe me though. My word is as credible as the next guy's.
Probably moreso, because I took those Credibility classes in high school.
I'm listening to Weezer's Blue album. According to the Doppler Shift, that
means the album is coming towards me. The Red Album is going away from me.
Read up on your science, it makes sense.
Hey. What's up. Nothing much has changed since my
last entry. I'm going to start a new drug next week. It's supposed
to be the most effective drug they have to treat my symptoms, but when I tried
it last year it had really insufferable physical side effects. My whole
body felt in pain. Hey, the solo climax from Buddy Holly
just happened. Let's have a drink to that! I don't have any alcohol.
Besides, my cat isn't old enough. The introduction climax to Undone
(The Sweater Song) just happened. In my Video Production class
in high school, there were computers for the video producing, with iTunes on it,
and this was one of the songs someone put on there. These are interesting
facts about your website host, me. I remember another song was Pink
Floyd's Money and The Beatles' A Day In The Life. Good
times. I remember I had a friend in that class who kept telling me to do a
barrel roll, which is a StarFox 64 reference. It's a video game. One
of the moves he does is a barrel roll, which is when he basically goes up in the
air and backwards until he's in his starting position. And I couldn't
physically do that, which made my friend very sad.
I've had a very itchy asshole lately. Not sure if
that's something I should put on my website. But it's been a huge concern
the last few days. I don't know what to do about it. If it persists,
is that something you can see a doctor about? There's probably some cream
or something you could put on it. There must be, right? It's a
common enough occurrence. I just hope it goes away. Because I don't
feel like going to the drug store to buy asshole cream, even if such a thing
truly exists. I remember when I was in NYU in 2009, I was obsessive
compulsive about eating, and I went on a binge where I went to about seven
different food carts and had croissant after croissant. And, even
stranger, this was on my way to get my photo taken for my NYU ID card. And
I remember Say It Ain't So was playing in the background when the photo
was being taken, and it came out with me looking really bloated and disheveled.
I was still thin, because at the time I was fasting and exercising a lot most of
the time, but I look really fucked up in the picture. Good times.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, my itchy asshole. Maybe listening
to Weezer will cure my asshole. Maybe listening to The Cure would. I
think they're gay, so they could fuck the itchiness out of my asshole.
That just might make it more itchy, though. I remember listening to The
Cure a lot Spring semester, Sophomore year in college. They have some
really catchy songs. I listened to a lot of music then, though. I
don't know why I singled them out. I also listened to Single by Bad
Astronaut. It's a pun, because it could be like a musical song single, or
like maybe the guy in the band is single, or maybe it's like he's at a strip
club, the possibilities are endless. I don't like song titles where the
possibilities are endless. I like to know what I'm listening to.
Like, In The Garage. I know what's going on there. He's in
the garage. Unless he's like, In the garage (I keep a loaded shotgun).
I don't know why Weezer would be secretly a murderous group. But maybe
they are, we don't know. Unspecific titles.
Anyway. I just had Chinese food. It was cooked
and prepared by Chinese people. Maybe Chinese-American. No one
knows. No one hears Weezer sing this song. I heard them. What
a bunch of falsifiers. That's what I call liars, and apparently it's a
real word. Good on 'ya, dictionary. Both Weezer & Greenday have
songs called Holiday. Someone should write a dissertation paper on
that. Free ideas here, I'm giving them away. Man. I don't know
what I'm doing. With this entry, yeah, but mostly with my life. My
life and this entry are intertwined and connected. This entry is my life.
At least for this half hour. Then, back to lying in bed. This album
really isn't that good. It's just a lot of noise. Music is just a
lot of noise. I was taking a bath and listening to Z-100 and they were
doing mash-ups of popular music songs of the day, and it just goes to show that
music is so easy, that you can take the vocals of one song and put it to the
beat and music of another song and it still sounds like a song. Or maybe
it shows that music is really hard, because you need to crack the code.
The popular music code. I don't think I've cracked the code, so I guess it
is hard. I mixed diet pepsi with coke zero. It tastes like diet
cola. Not much more to say about that.
That could have been Jack Skelington telling his dog he drank
diet pepsi while doing cocaine. I don't want to go back to bed. I
guess I don't have to. I could smoke cigarette after cigarette while
listening to the same music I've been listening to for months. Some of it
for years. Some of it for decades. Mostly for months, or years,
though. The only songs I listened to in the 90's were some Greenday songs,
some random popular music songs, and that's about it. I might have
listened to Eminem if he was around by 99. Eminem was pretty much my first
favorite band. Or musical artist. Now my favorite band is the Free
Credit Score guys. You didn't like them at first, but come on, they kind
of grew on you too, didn't they? I might be the only one in this boat.
My favorite band now is Boat. There's probably a band called Boat out
there. I want to smoke heroin. I don't know how I made the
connection from there being a band called Boat to me wanting to smoke heroin,
but I think it has to do with listening to the climax to Only In Dreams.
Just happened to make me think of smoking heroin. I don't think I've ever
smoked heroin, but I've smoked a lot of weed, and it's possible I've smoked weed
laced with heroin at some point. I don't know if that's possible. It
probably is. Anyway. I'm going to go throw up on my cat now.
July 22, 2012
It's me again. Just kidding. It's someone else. My name is
Ferguson. I am a twenty six year old librarian and my hobbies include
horseback riding and drinking alcohol. That was a ruse. It's still
just me. I'm listening to Elliott Smith's Either/Or for this entry.
He's a funny guy, so I figure it would make good for a funny entry. Still
a lot of news on that mass killing in the movie theater. I hate stuff like
that. Less killing people, people. No one listens to me. If
they were listening to me, they would kill less people, because that's my
unwavering stance on whether or not to kill people. But at least he did it
himself and didn't outsource the killing job to India. I'm going to start
outsourcing my jokes to India. Because they're probably funnier than I.
Anyway. People keep doing things. What the truck. If people
would stop doing things, there'd be less bad news about people doing things.
There'd also be nobody doing things. Society would come to a stand still.
I'm for it. My first improv teacher's last name was Still. I had to
stand Still. Why shouldn't society have to go through the exact same
things I do?
People, listen up. Don't listen down. Don't
listen at all, see with your eyes. I've got my eye on you. You don't
see many hippopotamus carcasses just lying around anymore, do you? But
man, can you hear them. I can't. But you can. If you really
tried. You probably don't, though. I'll have a drink to that!
You drink too, so I'm not drinking alone. I don't want to come across as
some sort of alcoholic. I want to come across as a high class porn star
who dabbles in short story writing. And improv. Stand Still!
That's what the police said to that kid. Probably why he said he was the
Joker. Reminded him of improv class. I wonder if he even regrets
what he did. He probably will, eventually. Our society has a slate
of laws and procedures to deal with criminals like him. Eminem has a song
called Criminal. He was speaking more metaphorically, though.
I assume. I never actually heard it, I just looked at the title.
That's what you're supposed to do with music, right? Just look at the
titles? That's how deaf people listen to music. I guess they could
read the lyrics. I bet there are deaf people that like music just by
reading the lyrics. Then when we cure deafness they'll hear it and be
like, "WHAT?! THIS IS MUSIC?! I'VE WASTED MY LIFE!!!" Yeah.
I don't know any deaf people. My dad has tinitus.
And my mom is deaf. But I don't know any deaf people. And obviously,
I'm not deaf. I even hear things that aren't there. I'm super not
deaf. If I was a super hero, that'd definitely be my name. What else
is going down. I need batteries. I don't know what for yet. I
got to think about that one. Why is everything so confusing? I blame
Al Qeida. And BBC America. Those two are a dynamic duo of
anti-American bastards. I haven't drank in a week. How am I still
alive? I tried to start reading a book yesterday, but I gave up.
Stairs give up. Down, too. Depends what direction you're going in.
And elevators, man. Don't even get me started. Stop acting
disinterested. I assume you're disinterested. Bad banks are
disinterested. Bad dogs are barking up the wrong tree. "Barking up
the wrong tree, eh?" could be a line of dialogue in a stoner movie.
Somebody, get Angeles on the phone!
Anyway. What else is going on. I eat supper at
night, and probably will again tonight. I think so, at least.
Anything could happen. Either/Or just ended. Frown town!
People should use that phrase. People should repeat everything I've ever
said, ad naseum. I don't know how to spell that, but maybe that's it.
Frontpage thinks I'm trying to say mueseum. Wrong again, loser! You
know I love you Frontpage. After all, it's you that I'm typing into.
That's another thing people can say. Poop magnet! There's another
thing. The possibilities are endless. I put my glasses on.
That means I mean business. I Mean Business could be a movie about
something. I'm really getting lazy with these puns and jokes and stuff.
"That could be something," without describing it at all. Oh well.
You chose to read it! It's free! I'm the joker! Now, let me
tell you about how I booby-trapped my house. Why did he tell them?
That defeats the purpose of doing it. I'm glad no one else got hurt, but
really, if you're going to do something, do it. Now it's just more
evidence against him in court, and he didn't even get to kill anybody.
What a waste.
Last paragraph time. I'm angry. Angry at the
world! Cause it treated me bad. And I couldn't keep the great
unknown from making me sad. That's a thing from an Elliott Smith thing.
Deaf people could know about it if they choose to. They probably won't.
Most deaf people probably don't care too much about lyrics. They can't
even begin to comprehend choruses. "We heard it once, why do we have to
hear it again?" Shut up, deaf people. No one cares about what you
never said. True love is hard to come by, and it isn't right for me, so
that's why when I sleep I, dream of individuality." That's a verse of music
for deaf people to enjoy. I'm almost done, here. Looking forward to
that after-entry-finishing victory cigarette. It's a tradition I've had
since two minutes from now. I wish I had a sidekick. Not the phone,
like a real person sidekick. Not the kind of kick in soccer where you kick
with your side-foot, like a real person sidekick. He would be all like,
"Yeah!" and, "That's what's up!" and, "I got your back on that one!"
Unfortunitely, all my ads for sidekicks on craigslist have gone unanswered.
And unwritten! Okay I'm done now.