Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Give Me A, "T!" Give Me An, "Itle!"
Support comes in many forms and I appreciate
all of them without discrimination. Sure I capitalize, "a's" in titles.
Gotta mix it up somehow. Anyway, Hey! Been a couple of weeks
since last entry. Do I have a few save-em-ups? You bet! Are they no
good? Probably! We'll find out. Anyway. Just saw my
Endocrinologist. That's why I'm up early. It's early now. You
would have no way of knowing, I suppose. Unless you're really good at
reading in-between the lines. Hmm, capitalizing "A's"... must be
midday. Watching me some Maury right now. I realized that's a
good metaphor with what's going on with Trump and his litany of crimes.
It's like those guys that fail lie detector tests yet still insist, No!
I Didn't Cheat! The test was wrong! Except instead of Steve
Wilkos saying Get Off My Set, You Make Me Sick, he's going, Well, it
is wrong .5 percent of the time, so I guess we'll have to take your word for it.
I guess we'll never know for sure. And then the girlfriend goes
Let's Never Fight Again!
Now it's time for Jerry's Final Thought:
Sometimes People Commit Crimes. ...Tune in tomorrow! Was that a
save-em-up? Partly. Cool! Wow. The most powerful man
in the world is guilty of several extremely serious crimes, probably with dozens
more crimes we aren't sure about yet. If only we could do something about
it. That's what the Founders intended, right? A president above
the law with the only power the people having is to complain and worry about it?
Probably. I never trusted that John Hancock. I blame him.
It's all John Hancock's fault. If my last name was Hancock, I wouldn't
be the first to sign anything. People'll see my name and start laughing
and making fun of me. Hey John, been Handlin' Any Cock Lately?
I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. Which is also how I
feel (Now referring to me, not John Hancock) when watching or reading the news!
America has come full circle.
Now it's time for Jerry's Final Thought: What is
cheating in a relationship, anyway? If you don't take opportunities to
cheat on your lover, aren't you really only cheating yourself? Tune
in tomorrow when we have people of a different race and class status committing
adultery but this time around we judge them. Anyway, what else is
going on. Gonna take a break at some point in this entry to take a walk
and whatnot. Only 3.5 pounds to be in Optimal BMI Range! Wow.
Third paragraph already! Cool. Now It's Time For Jerry's Final
Thought: He Took The Test! He Failed! Doesn't Matter!
If His Partner Is Upset, She's Being Irrational! Anyway, time to
moveon.org. That's A Slang, right? They could say that on Maury.
Listen Girl, He Cheated, Now It's Time For You To Move On Dot Org, Hear Me?
Anyway. I think the .Org domains were designed to
attract people who are looking for orgies. Either that, or an
abbreviation of Organization. Who knows. The point is The
Founding Fathers were wrong to tease John Hancock so mercilessly. Or
maybe they were wrong to not tease John Hancock mercilessly enough. I
think that's the main difference between Judges and Justices when reading the
constitution. Traditionalists think the Founding Fathers teased John
Hancock enough while Originalists think they should have teased John Hancock
more. All court cases can be decided on a basis of whether John Hancock
received enough teasing. Whatta bullshit. I wonder if Grammar
Nazis have a big problem with the #MeToo movement. Should be the #IAsWell
movement, they might argue. Might as well scrap the whole thing.
Jeez. Are Grammar Nazis where there are kid Nazis in grammar school?
Probably. It's more widespread than you'd think. Why do you think
they call the grade before 1st grade, "Kindergarten?" Full Of Nazis.
Most kids are Nazis. Copy
and emulate the cool kids, make fun of and victimize the weird kids. Man.
80% of kids are Nazis. Not to mention pledging allegiance to the flag
every day! These kids are radicals! I don't know. Fifth
paragraph. I never thought when I have kids I'd have to tell them Don't
Act Like a Nazi As You Are Right Now but apparently I probably will.
Watched Patch Adams a few days ago. If this is the best humor that doctor
could do, I'm Not Impressed. If I'm a patient, the doctor comes in wearing
a clown nose, going Isn't This Funny! I'm Wearing a Clown Nose!
I'd be like Forget This, I'm Out of Here and unplug the machines
keeping me alive. What else. 11:40 AM right now. Almost done
with five paragraphs. Not gonna take a walk right now, but soon.
Sixth paragraph! Dad, I got my test back,
and I got 100%. But at the bottom the teacher wrote, All
these answers were correct, but what's The Final Solution? Now
the teacher is a Nazi in this scenario. That's not too much of a stretch.
For a litany of reasons I won't even get into. Guess I'll take the walk
after this paragraph. Anyway. Bought new shoes a couple of
weeks ago. I got two of them, one for each of my feet. Seems pretty
straightforward to me.
Sure I Like To Title Things
Back from the walk! Aiming for another
4-6 paragraphs at this point. Cool! I never used to be the kind of
guy who would get songs stuck in his head. To be honest, I kind of pitied
and looked down upon those who did. But now I'm starting to experience it,
particularly on my walks. I can't stop mind-humming the last commercial
jingle or song on a TV show I had just heard. Well, might as well end
my life now. Experiencing mind-humming of commercial jingles is on par
with having a doctor with a clown nose in terms of making me want to end my
life. I was thinking of how to best classify the specific parameters which
describe the kind of music I like, and I came up with something. This
assumes that my current interests in music are based upon and/or are the logical
succession of my interests in music when I first really became interested in
music as a teenager. This is what I'd go with-- Cool Music To
Listen To As A Teenager Taking The Train To High School Early In The Morning,
And, In Addition, Cool Music To Listen To As A Teenager Taking The
Train Back Home From High School In The Mid Afternoon. That covers all
my semi-diverse musical interests pretty well.
Well, I'm glad we settled that! Eighth paragraph
overall. Gotta go for at least ten. Rudy Giuliani fits in with the
Lie Detector analogy. Commentator-- Trump failed his Lie
Detector test. Giuliani-- As we both know, truth isn't truth.
Maury should invite him on to stage whenever someone fails the lie detector
test. We Gave This Guy a Lie Detector Test, and he failed! Let's
bring out our friend Rudy Giuliani! Audience cheers. Rudy enters
stage right. Alright, he failed the lie detector test, but remember,
truth isn't truth! See how that goes over. Oh wait,
maybe that only applies to rich powerful white people. Okay, now
I get it. Makes sense to me now.
Anyway, it's the ninth paragraph. I'm a rich powerful
white person! ...Well, I'm white, anyway. Okay now I'm on board.
Jeeeeeeeeez. Probably a big reason why a chunk of his supporters don't
give a damn. Well, I'm White, And I Have Delusions
of Power Thanks To Being White, so I like where this is goin'.
Ninth paragraph still. What a world, what a world. I got
Waffle & Breakfast Meats for dinner tonight! If you split it up into two
meals, it's healthy. Cracked that code. The point is what
else is crappening. Also, I know I'm combining The Declaration of
Independence and The Constitution. I'm an artist, that's what we do.
10th paragraph. At this point, aiming for 12.
Cool! I'm starting to get on The Banana Bandwagon. Not as healthy
compared to other fruits, but healthy enough, and tasty, and last longer as a
snack compared to a couple of cookies or something. The point is you could
do a lot worse than Bananas. Also, I get really excited when I unpeel a
banana and there's no dark spots at all. Hey! I'm Gonna Enjoy
100% Of This Banana! It's like winning the lottery. Plus, you
put the banana peel in some water, now you got a stew going. How do you
unpeel a banana. Jeeeeeeez. Is the phrase, "Jeez," a derivation
of, "Jesus?" My guess? Yeah, Probably. Another Code Cracked by
Me, The Code Cracker. You could do a lot worse in nick names than
The Code Cracker. That's what they'd call an expert white
computer programmer if the field was dominated by other groups such that it
would be appropriate to reference his whiteness in terms of describing him.
Is, "Meh," a derivation of "Methuselah?" Let's
hope so! What in the world. 11th paragraph. It was hot today!
93 degrees! If only there was some explanation of why it's consistently
getting hotter and there was some way to begin to reverse this trend.
Man, I got some crazy imagination! I've been watching The Simpsons
a lot. Five days a week they have a 3-6 hour block on TV, and I've
gotten in the habit of watching most of that. If it's later episodes I may
skip it, and also, as a consequence of watching it a lot, if it's an episode
I've seen recently, I may skip it. But the point is you could to a lot
worse in life than watching the Simpsons over and over again. But you'd
need to get a new habit after a couple of months. You've seen em all three
or more times each! It's not a permanent life solution. Sort of
a makeshift type thing.
12th paragraph! I realized there's no Muslim Simpsons
character. And the closest thing to a non-Indian Asian main character is
The Real Estate Lady. Hopefully the massive success of Crazy Rich Asians
will inspire us all to create more crazy rich Asian characters. What if
they're just Asian, and not Crazy Rich? I think you missed the
point of that movie. It's about Crazy Rich Asians. I never saw
the movie. I thought about it, but, oh well, what can you do. No
Native American character, either. Oh well, what can you do.
Create new characters. No, I mean besides actually doing
things, what can you do?
13th paragraph! Let's aim for 15! That
would be a good thing to do for some reason. Shouldn't it be "Crazy,
Rich Asians?" Are they crazy and rich Asians, or are they crazy-rich
Asians? Crazy as an adverb in the second explanation. I don't know.
Who does know? Probably no one. Well, I guess we do know.
It's the second one, or, I think the grammar would be wrong.
And that seems out of character for movie producers to not have perfect grammar.
The point is when this paragraph is over I only have to write two more
paragraphs. I don't know why. I have some OCD most likely. I
was watching a show about kids with tourettes and, I gotta say, some of them
have some pretty cool tics. One guy just shouts Hollywood! a lot.
I like that! If I was in school with this guy I'd hang around with him a
bunch. I'm surprised kids with tourettes feel like outsiders. A guy
who shouts out Hollywood! a lot, and like in class when the teachers
teaching? You tellin' me you're in high school chemistry taking a test
and a guy shouts out Hollywood! that he wouldn't be the most popular guy
in school? C'mon!
Tourettes is what they call 6 months tours of duty in the
army. Not sure if that makes sense at all. Oh well, what can
ya do. John McCain died. He was a great guy not counting all those
things he supported and didn't support. And calling his wife a cunt in
front of people and everything, who hasn't done that. And calling people
gooks and assholes and shit heads and every thing. Maybe John McCain
had tourettes. That's why he was so upset being captured and spending
5 years in that prison camp-- he thought he had only signed up for a short
tour of duty! Also, McCain. Cain killed Abel. McCains
were a long line of people killing people. You connect the dots.
Is it possible McCain was actually descended from Cain himself?
I don't know, that's for the voters to decide. To be fair, my real
opinion is that I respect him to some real degree and he was a hero to some
extent I guess.
McCain just said what he wanted with no filter!
That's the exact advice they give to people with Tourettes! There's
some sort of conspiracy here but I haven't connected all the dots yet.
Last paragraph most likely! Maybe not! We'll see! Tourettes.
What a concept. The point is what else is going on. I should
point out that Microsoft FrontPage does not recognize tourettes (nor just, "tourette")
as a word. (Nor, "tourette's.") We still have so much work to do.
Just won 55 cents in a freeroll on Poker! Now we're talking Great
Afternoon. The point is its confirmed Trump broke the law to get elected,
and almost definitely even conspired with a foreign country to influence the
election, and let's just let him keep doing stuff. I'm sure history will
look upon that favorably! I'll see ya later.
you-- it's not really confirmed,
though, is it? abstractly and legally and whatnot.
...is breaking the law really such a crime?
Thursday, August 9, 2018
I'll Have An Entry With A Side Of Title
Please! It's the magic word.
For a magic word, doesn't really accomplish that much magic. That's
been my experience. I'll write an angry letter to someone about that.
Anyway, hi friends! Flip-flopped the color scheme for this month. I
shake things up! Well, pretty much just alternate between white on
black and black on white. But you don't mess with success!
Anyway, hi friends! Into August these days. Great. Writin'
this after dinner, before 2nd walk of the day. Gonna write 5 paragraphs,
take a walk, come back and write more paragraphs! 5? 10?
15? Only time will tell. Got some Yuk-Em-Ups saved over the past
week since the last entry. We'll get to those in due time. Life goin'
pretty much the same as it's been. Still maintaining some level of
productivity in terms of losin' weight and livin' healthy. Haven't drank
in a week and a half-- might drink some tonight! It's what makes entries a
real B- experience to write into a real B+ experience.
Alright, one joke I got saved. You know the movie
Soul Plane? They should make a new movie in that franchise about a
Caucasian themed plane operation called White Flight. Nailed it!
I was inspired by walking around my neighborhood. Tells you a little
something about me, where my head is at these days. I'm just here to open
a dialogue. Let's talk about race relations, really get into the nitty
gritty. Thinking about seeing the new Spike Lee Joint this weekend.
That'll get my head right! I was thinking about it and Peter Parker
turning into Venom in Spiderman is just a rip off of The Nutty Professor.
Also, Weekend At Bernie's II is just a rip off of Weekend At Bernie's I.
Really burning through my save-em-ups. I know in the Bible the ancient
Israelites were promised their future homeland would be The Land of Milk And
Honey, but wouldn't The Land of Bees and Wild Cattle be more
accurate? Doesn't sound so great now, does it?
Third paragraph! Alright! It'll be dark by the
time I take my walk. Scary! Anything can happen when there's less
light around. You know, like raccoons taking over and possibly some
nocturnal birds? There's probably some nocturnal birds. I'd like
to consult an ornithologist about it someday. Are bats birds?
My guess? Save-em-up for the ornithologist! Life is just a
series of save-em-ups. Such is life. Here's a piece of bullshit--
rhyme for people who have met The Mets-- met the Mets, met the Mets,
who hasn't met The Mets yet? They've been around for 56 years, if you
haven't met them yet, I pity you. What else. Have a few more save-em-ups.
Here's another for our future dialogue on race in America-- did Tiger Woods have
a magical black caddy, or a magical white caddy? Are magical caddies
inherently black, or are they just always a different race than the golfer whose
charge they are in. Magical black caddy? What does he do, say "Please,"
all the time? How would that help?
Connect-em-up! Amazing. Fourth paragraph.
Could I have done it more seamlessly, with the addition or humor jokes to make
it worth reading? I don't know! Another question for the future
ornithologist. Just beginning the dialogue. Can
ornithologists talk to birds? And, if they can't, why bother.
I've got Books, I'll figure out bird facts by my damn self. Poker website
hasn't been loading for the past week. I've got six dollars on there that
I want to lose! So I got that going for me and whatnot. Returned my
just-bought pair of earphones because they were only compatible with Apple
products. Will order new pair that are computable with normal products
soon. Anyway. Been wearing a new pair of pants. They're new in
the sense that they're old but now fit me again. I figure I'm about 7,
8 pounds away from a whole batch of new old shirts!
Can't wait. Apparently I'm below the average BMI
for adult American males already. Thanks for collectively giving up,
Statistics Peers! Can ornithologists computate statistics?
I'm frankly not impressed with ornithologists at all and they better figure out
some skills fast if they know what's good for 'em. Sure computate
is a real word. I said it, didn't I? Jeez, fifth paragraph already.
May delay my walk for a paragraph or two. What else is going on. I
have a fantasy where I'm in some sort of professional situation (which is a
fantasy in and of itself), and everyone collectively and spontaneously just
starts chanting Michael, Michael, Michael and it grows and grows and I
eventually say Please, please. You're too kind. Let's get back to
Sixth paragraph. I got Pop Tarts from the super
market! They're less calories than one would think. I've been eating
them as my breakfast/lunch. Whatever you wanna call the meal which I eat
soon after waking up in the early afternoon. I've toasted 'em, I've eaten
'em un-toasted, and it's all good. So I got that going for me. I've
done some research on the internet on the debate of whether to toast Pop Tarts
or not to toast them. The name Pop Tart seems to suggest
that having them pop (from the toaster) is their primary function. Then
again, it also suggests being tart is a main mission directive, and I got
the S'mores Flavor, and that ain't tart at all. So, taking that into
account, we can disqualify the name completely as being irrelevant to the issue.
Logic! Seventh paragraph. What the what.
Maybe take a walk after this paragraph. Then, I come back, got 8 or 13
paragraphs left, can have a drink or two, really get into it. Cool!
What's going on in the wide world of sports. Here's a thought for ya--
sports have become political, and politics has become sports. The latter I
think we're all on board with. Whatever piece of news there is, I don't
like to admit it, I often immediately conceptualize as whether it's good for my
side or bad for my side. After that primeval instinct, sure, I can
approach each piece of news (and most news is about or relates to politics these
days) properly with nuance and empathy and understanding of the real world
consequences of whatever just happened. But my first thought is that
will reflect goodly on my side or the opposite. Meanwhile, sports is
political. Should we outlaw the shift in baseball? Should
wins be counted against someone in Cy Young voting?
Not to mention kneeling during the national anthem.
I not-mentioned it for a reason-- not politics. Personal moral
stand! They're taking a stand by taking a knee! What a country!
The point is that premise makes sense, albeit is not very funny. Guess
I gotta finish this paragraph now, too, before taking a break. Well.
Great. What's goin' on with you. Hmm. I broke my nail
clipper a couple of weeks ago, and I gotta say, I'm a happy man. Biting my
nails the way God intended, without any performance enhancing mechanisms.
I'm getting back to basics and it feels great! Now, should
baseball writers take that into account when considering to nominate me for The
Cy Young Award? That's up to them. Cool. I'll be back in a
Title's No Good, Take It Back
I don't like walking by people walking their
dog. The dog runs up to me, tries to smell or lick me. I don't
know you. We're not friends. Get away from me you
freak. I was talking to the dog in that scenario. Anyway.
Second half of entry. Seven paragraphs to make a nice, even 15.
Cool! What's going on and whatnot. Poured myself a drink.
Let's have some fun. Figure 2-3 drinks'll do the trick. Not gonna
commit myself at this point! Jeez. To be fair to myself, my reacting
to news, it's not always that's good for my side or not. It's
usually that's good for everyone or not. Which is the correct way
to react. But it's still like a sports thing. Because it's Trump &
Co. versus everyone. Who will win? I can't wait to find out.
Ninth paragraph. I'm sure Trump is okay with that
contextualizing. Hey, I Come Before The Co.! Alright! might
be his thought process. Not sure Trump has a thought process.
He might just think a two or three word phrase, then it's immediately erased.
What's going on in the wide world of sports. Just got a Text from Zephyr
Teachout. Not her personally, one of her subordinates, asking for money.
Cause I had donated in 2016. I'm gonna exercise my political power to not
respond. I wish her the best of luck but I can't be donating money
wily-nily. This ain't 2016! I Have No Hope Anymore! That's not
completely true, I have Abstract Hope. One day, sure, through sheer luck,
things might start to get better. I don't know, we'll find out together!
Cool. Teach Out? I Knew That's What The
Liberals Were Up To! -- 1/4th of the country. I like how Trump doesn't
even just lie about big things anymore. He just lies about things where he
doesn't even need to talk about it. I would call him a pathological liar,
but I think it's even more extreme than that. He's a pathological
pathological liar at this point. Gotta wonder if that'll pay off in the
long run. Anyway, what else is going on. Space Force. Psshh.
I don't like the opening credits to movies produced by Universal, where it shows
the Earth spinning then shows their name, Universal. That's the
Earth. That's but one small part of the Universe. That's like
showing a picture of someone's teeth and labeling it The Human Body.
I feel very strongly about this.
11th paragraph. I can see BlackkKlansman tomorrow.
I can see it Saturday. I can see it Sunday. The possibilities are
endless when it comes to seeing BlackkKlansman. I'm looking forward to
future movies based on sketches from Chappelle's Show. The Mad Real
World: The Movie! Meh. I don't know. Baseball is Politics.
The debate over composing and managing teams based on scouting vs analytics,
that's politics to its core. I feel very strongly about this.
Anyway, four and a half more paragraphs theoretically. Meh. Got
nothin' else to do tonight. I already watched The Nutty Professor Starring
Eddie Murphy earlier today, what more do you want from me? Boy was Dave
Chappelle good in that movie. He can't do anything wrong! I was
introduced to Dave Chappelle at a young age. I had recorded Robin Hood:
Men In Tights on VHS and would watch it regularly from age six or seven up.
So at least American Culture got one thing right for my generation.
Cool! I'd like to have been a fly on the wall when
the CW green lighted Everybody Hates Chris. Hahaha, what a funny
title. ... ... Wait, we actually have to make this now? That's
American Culture for ya. I updated my Norton Anti-Virus today.
And you all doubted me. I don't know. Four paragraphs to write.
I can do that in theory. Apparently the earphone company accepted my
sent-back pair of earphones, even though I didn't include one part of the
packaging that came with it when I sent it back. I realized after bringing
it to the UPS store that I had a piece of plastic that the smaller piece of
plastic it came in was still sitting on my desk. Turns out they don't
care! And I've Still Got That Bigger Piece Of Plastic! It's
the biggest scandal this country has seen since... hmm... I don't have a punch
line to this!
I've never been in a situation where somebody spiked the
punch. To be honest, I don't think I've ever been in a situation where
there was punch. Somebody Spiked the punch that is our movie
theater experience for the next few weeks. What kinda guy is going
around spiking punch, anyway. Hey, I bought alcohol with my hard earned
money. Better secretly share it with people! Totally
implausible. The word implausible is totally implausible. Should
be unplausible. I feel very strongly about this. Jeez.
We're deep into the 13th paragraph now. I can dig that. I don't get
the people who say you can't dig your way out of a hole. Sure you can.
Maybe you missed the renaissance, but the Earth is round you dolts.
It'll take some doin', but you'll get there. Persistence! If there's
a lesson to be learned here, it's persistence.
Maybe movie producers missed the renaissance, and that's why
they think the Earth is the Universe. No, that can't be it. They
know what the Earth looks like from outer space cameras. Must be 20th
century or higher. The point is I wanna be the first kid on my block
to join the Space Force. Space Force won't have me, too short, too
unhealthy, both physically and mentally. The point is the Republicans
have ignited the imagination and will of young men everywhere. I can't
wait to live in outer space, waiting for Donald Trump to order me around.
That would be the best part about living in outer space-- you don't have to pay
attention to Donald Trump! You've got bigger fish to fry. Space
15th paragraph! And I got here all while sticking
to my morals. Except for the White Flight and Magical Caddies jokes.
And the 'taking sides to news stories' bit. And the whole Pop Tarts
fiasco. But besides all that, I remain unscathed! Only drank
half a drink, too. The less I drink, the more ice cream sandwiches I can
eat in the immediate future! Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me.
Anyway. I don't know. Life goin' okay. Gettin' healthier by
the day. Inching towards doing something productive with writing and/or
music. Trying to keep a positive outlook on things. So I got all
that going for me is the point. Now all I gotta do is finish this
paragraph. I can do that because I already did. Have a good one!